Life's a "Splash"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's go back to 1984; Ron Howard has been gone from "Happy Days" for four years and directed a whopping two movies. One before his departure and one afterward. Both became eventual Cult Classics, but Ron needed a hit movie. Tom Hanks is a struggling actor himself, and Disney was (dubbed by an emotionless computer as James starts to open his mouth but closes it as the dubbing begins): Doing fine but could've used a little more of the Disney magic to make the world a Fluffy Cloud of Happiness while starting to engage the more mature audience as we tried with our classic movie "The Black Hole" which we admit we could've toned the darkness down, but trying to. (The dubbing continues to be jingoistic to say everything was great with Disney as James gets up and finds the person and the program and proceeds to bash it into bits with the dubbed voice trying to scream G-Rated curse words. James walks back to his chair) Now as I was trying to say, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks needed to be in a successful movie, with Howard in the Director's chair and Hanks in the lead after a short-lived series was canceled. John Candy was trying to break into the American while being a part of SCTV and Darryl Hannah was a hot, young ingenue trying to show she could act, and Disney was in the toilet! It took literal hands of fate and the formation of a production/distribution company within Disney for one movie to succeed and start a new life for what would become the mouse-eared r----! Play the opening thought; I'll be back. 

(Cut to the title scene of Splash, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Splash, released in 1984 as the first movie produced and distributed through Touchstone Productions, a homemade Disney Subsidiary and was considered a risk for a company that had fallen on hard times that needed something different to revive it. This Director had no real success as did their leading man who was in a short-lived sitcom and a cast that was a mix of eager new talent, a sense that they were going to change perceptions, and their determination to succeed. Splash has stood the test of time as possibly the best Romantic Comedy ever made. But what was it about the movie that made it a success? Well, today, we're going to look over it and find out for ourselves and see how it has become a pop-culture staple to this moment with subtle references in tv series, other movies, and web series. (Cut to James as he wipes schmutz and sweat mixed with mucus and blood off his fists) 

TLOTA:
And seeing as this is Valentine's Day, it'd be a perfect movie to review. So let's dive into Splash!  

(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in 1964 as the Bauer family is enjoying a family trip on a boat in Cape Cod as young Freddie is punished. While dealing with Freddie, young Allen decides he's gonna go for a swim! (Cut to young Allen as he jumps, and The Eleventh Doctor shouts "GERONIMO!" Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen notices a young girl around his age as he's pulled back into the boat. We then cut to twenty years later as Allen, now played by Tom Hanks, as Alan has taken over the family business of distributing fresh produce for Supermarkets all over the tri-state area. However, he has this feeling as if he is unfulfilled by the job and not helping is his brother Freddie, now played by John Candy, as Freddie shows he has been featured in Penthouse, and his girlfriend dumps him just on the eve of an employee's wedding day. (Show Allen as he greets slowly, getting angry as he snaps at the groom's brother as the groom's brother just says Hi to Allen. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And under different circumstances, Tom Hanks would've been fired because that was the Director's brother he just reamed out. Just saying it's not good to just snap like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Drinking himself onto the bar Allen waxes philosophical about his life and decides to go to Cape Cod for some unknown reason. Making it to Massachusetts, he comes upon Dr. Walter Kornbluth, played by Eugene Levy, and wow, looking at him now, he has aged like fine wine! I digress, Kornbluth's employees direct Allen to a man named Fat Jack whose boat conks out in the middle of the bay. Fat Jack swims back as Allen gets the ship started, and Allen forcibly jumps ship as the ship jumps him. Allen then finds himself on an island with a very pretty young woman played by Darryl Hannah and (Show Darryl as James' smiling face covers her butt. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so let's go over this little moment. When this movie came to Disney Plus, they decided to use the cut that was syndicated and added some more editing, like covering Darryl Hannah's tuchus, and fans were not too happy about this, especially since the movie on Digital and DVD saw Darryl's butt, and they also slipped in Darryl's nipples as she swims underwater, and she showed her body in all her glory back in 1984, and no one back then was shocked and stupid enough to be told: "Be Offended" because we could handle it then and some people can still handle it now, I think(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Darryl Hannah's character soon reveals herself to be a mermaid to the audience as Dr. Kornbluth suffers comedically at the hands of his helpers spots Darryl in her mermaid form as she finds Allen's wallet and, using old school maps, heads to Liberty Island as the tour guide gives his group more than the statue. (Show clip of the tour guide as he talks about the statue until he sees Darryl Hannah in the buff and says naked women everywhere and shouts "BOCCE BALLS!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Imagine the headlines if that happened now! Actually, they'd try to spin it as a protest against eating meat or some type of Pro-Whatever the hell is popular to protest against like actual intelligence or something like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen returns to his job as his brother brings in the head of an entire supermarket chain to see the operations of the distribution when a phone call gets Allen down to the police as he meets Darryl Hannah's character. Now I know the character's name as does everyone else but for the sake of the story, I won't reveal it until the movie does. But I digress, Allen and Darryl Hannah's character spends the rest of the day and night getting to know each other again and again. While that's happening, Dr. Kornbluth discovers the news of what happened on Liberty Island, where he talks to an old professor friend and plans to expose Darryl Hannah's character. The following day Allen goes into work as Darryl Hannah's character goes to Bloomingdale's to get herself some wardrobe. Allen comes home early to surprise her until Carlton, Your Doorman, tells Allen she sent her to Bloomingdale's, where she breaks her silence, and we find out who the smelt she is! (Cut to the clip of Darryl Hannah's character speaking in Dolphin chirps which shatter the Televisions as it cuts to James physically as his glasses break as well.)

TLOTA:
Well, it's a good thing I keep spares (James gets his replacement glasses out as it cuts to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Realizing Allen can't repeat that He and Darryl Hannah's character decide to give her the name Madison, and since this movie succeeded, girls have been getting that name. Anyway, Madison tells Allen that she has six days before returning home, and the two better make the best of their situation and guess what I found in the background in one shot! A movie theater that is showing the original "Evil Dead",  and that was cool to see or as one man would say "Groovy!". But I digress, that night Madison decides to give herself a moment to let her tail out and soak, which somehow triggers Allen to wake up leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen as he tries to figure out why Madison is in the tub. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison accidentally bump into Dr. Kornbluth, who tries to expose Madison when he finds himself in danger from a couple that looks like Allen and Madison. (Show clip of Dr. Kornbluth getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James physically as he cringes)

TLOTA:
I'm not a doctor, but yeah, I would be making my last will and testament after a beating like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While Dr. Kornbluth recovers from that Allen and Madison go on another date as Allen shows one of his favorite fountains in the park as he exposits about what happened to him when he was eight and Madison plays dumb as to knowing that Allen and her met when they were kids. The next day Allen and Freddie talk about going to a formal dinner event with The President Of The United States and Allen decides to take Madison. Freddie and Allen play racquetball and discuss his relationship with Madison and believe it or not when Freddie serves and clocks himself stupid, that took one take! Later that day, Allen is surprised when the fountain from the park is delivered to his living room! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! (Cut to Madison telling Allen she sold her necklace to get him that fountain because she loves him. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Ask a good question, get a good answer! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That night Allen and Madison decide to head to a fancy restaurant where Madison orders Lobster as Allen tries to figure out how to make this blooming relationship work. Oh and Fun Fact, Due to Darryl Hannah's vegetarianism, that lobster wasn't Lobster, it was crust filled with bread, hearts of palm, tofu, potatoes, and spaghetti. Some fun little facts to know about this movie while I review this. After that Allen and Madison go ice skating and Allen goes for the ultimate play for Madison and asks for her hand in marriage. Madison reluctantly says that can't happen and as it has become the trope, the couple finding themselves hitting a rough patch. The next morning after a night of contemplation, Madison decides that Allen is worth breaking the rules and would be glad to Marry Allen as Dr. Kornbluth finds them again only to meet with yet another Doppelganger couple which leads to, You know. (Sounds of multiple punches are heard as the scene cuts to black. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For the love of Peat Moss, you can stop now he is now two-thirds broken bones! Any more of a beating and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen remembers the dinner with the President and takes Madison as his date. That night even though he should be in traction and knocked out until doomsday to heal, Kornbluth decides to crash the President's party and it's there that Madison's secret is revealed. (Show clip of Madison's tail being revealed and Kornbluth screams "BEHOLD THE MERMAID!" cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison are taken by the government as Kornbluth's superior Dr. Ross decides to take the lead on the experiments on Madison as they throw Allen back to his place thinking he wasn't really worth the time to take. Freddie tries to shield Allen from the fallout and here we get development from Freddie as Allen bemoans what he feels is yet another failure of a relationship. Freddie tells Allen to wake up and smell the fricking Tartar sauce! After a day of contemplation on Allen's part and regrets on Kornbluth's end, the two meet as after all the guilt at the dentist's office to fix Kornbluth's teeth as Kornbluth injects himself with Novocaine in his leg. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Just be glad that the nitrous oxide wasn't available. (Show the clip from "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" episode "EYETOOTH" as Will, Carlton, and William Shatner are hopped up on Nitrous Oxide. and from "Lethal Weapon 4" dentist scene the scene. Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kornbluth tells Allen that he can get into see Madison which leads Allen to come up with an idea that is so crazy it has to work as Kornbluth takes them in as Swedish Scientists! The three make their way to Madison as Allen enacts the second part of his plan which is to switch Freddie with Madison leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen and Kornbluth taking an unconscious body out of the lab and the two making tracks! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Dr. Ross comes in as the rouse is discovered as Freddie is arrested and brings every-friggin' person with a badge and a gun to catch Madison, Allen, and Kornbluth! Kornbluth decides he's caused enough trouble and decides to sacrifice himself to give Allen and Madison the time to get away further which ends with Kornbluth (Show clip of him falling and hurting himself saying "WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Barely making it out of the movie in traction! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen and Madison make it to a jetty as the two quickly discuss what to do next. Madison tells Allen that she was the little girl he saw at Cape Cod and if he goes with her he'll be safe but can never return. Having to choose between keeping her safe or being with her forever, Allen chooses the worst of the two evils by letting her go. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I have to say I understand making that sacrifice. I mean, there were times when I was in a relationship and I felt that if given a second chance, there would be some women I was with better off not knowing I existed or if they did know I existed I didn't make the decision of pursuing a relationship at all because at some point there are women who regretted being with me and even though they went through troubles and came out the other end of their troubles in better shape and in better relationships, it didn't mean I was doing well. Hell if I knew things were going to end the way they did in my previous relationships, I WOULD BE EVEN LESS INCLINED TO FRIGGIN  START ANY RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD! WOULD THAT MEAN I WOULD BE A HERMIT BOUND TO MY HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO I WOULD'VE HURT IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE IT MEANS MORE THAT I NEVER HURT ANYONE, EVEN IF I WIND UP HAPPY I WILL TELL YOU IT WOULD COST ME IN THE LONG RUN BECAUSE SOME POOR SCHMO WOULD MISS OUT ON A GOOD FRIGGIN THING! GAAAAAAH! (James relaxes and breathes as he calms down.) Wow, my first rant of the year. Felt good to get it out of me. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Madison hits the water as Navy Swim teams try to intercept her escape, leading Allen to dive in to rescue her and stop the Navy Swim team from capturing Madison and Allen,  the movie ends with our happy couple living together in the ocean heading to an undersea kingdom. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was Splash! It was cute, romantic, funny, dramatic and it is so worth the time to watch. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is one of those perfect time capsules that just seem timeless. Everything worked in this movie. It had the right actors in the right roles, the script balanced everything. The fantasy aspects, the romantic aspects, the humorous aspects, the dramatic aspects, and everything ended the right way, even if something went wrong they made that moment work. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out today! ESPECIALLY TODAY AS IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY AND IT IS A GREAT ROMANTIC MOVIE AND SWIMS HEADS AND TAILS ABOVE A LOT OF THE CRAP THAT CALLS ITSELF A ROMANTIC MOVIE THESE DAYS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Phew! It felt good reviewing a good movie on a day like today. So maybe this year is getting better as it goes along. Anything is possible, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

The Powers That Be: Powers "That Shagged"

(Scene begins as James is sitting in his living room.)

James Faraci:
Before continuing The Last Of The Americans' three-month season premiere, I want to send my condolences to Eric Rodriguez, AKA E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster. On January 23, 2022, Marsha Kent Rodriguez died from complications of Covid-19. Eric and Marsha were married for 21 years and shared a cat named Scooter, and Eric, I don't know if Marsha was a comedy fan or snob like you were but I wanted to let you know that even though she is not with you physically, A part of her will be with you forever and as long as you keep her in your thought process, she will never be away from you and I know you have friends and family but if you ever need a friendly ear that had been what you been through, just let me know and I will be there for you as will everyone from my congressional site Manic-Expression.com as well. And if I made any sense, just know Eric, we're with you all the way.

(James fades to black as the scene changes to a gas station in a state in the midwest as a Dodge Charger comes in for a quick fill-up as James and Chad get out to stretch their legs.)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, so I got a set of adjoining rooms at the hotel your associates recommended, so that way I can keep my eyes on you.

TLOTA:
Ah, this is the best place in the country, the small towns, the local BBQs, the people, not an ounce of the problems the rest of the world has. 

Chad Narducci:
James cut me a break. Please give me a place with tall buildings, overpriced coffee, and national supermarket chains. That's the world I want to see.

TLOTA:
Dude, this is the heart of the country and in that dance hall is where we're going to get some real American mojo! (James and Chad run in, and James asks the band if they can do a Bluegrass version of "Soul Bossa Nova" in which the band composed of Paulo Fonseca, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, and Andrew Beach Hollar "YEE-HAW BABY!" and as the band performs everyone gets in step and even Chad gets to enjoy himself while doing some Boot Scootin Boogie as the music continues to its crescendo and Chad lets out a YEE-HAW as the words "The "Powers" That Be" are seen in the same font type as the "Austin Powers" intro and the music ends as James and Chad walk into the hotel with Chad a little tipsier than he lets on.)

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
You know something, you indeed are a good pal! I mean, here I am constantly shitting on you and being a complete asshole, and you are like Teflon!

TLOTA:
Yeah, and you're tanked to the gills

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
But I will say this right now, I (Silence for two seconds) am going to puke all over you.

TLOTA:
Oh no, you don't! OH NO, YOU DON'T! (James grabs Chad as James bends Chad over to puke, then James sets him up so Chad doesn't choke on his vomit and preps the medication to cure him of the eventual hangover. Then walks towards the adjoining room only to see a group of wild and crazy drunk College Girls has decided to use the room. James walks over to the little office nook to work)

TLOTA:
As I said before, the first Austin Powers movie was a moderate success at best at the box office. When it was released on the VHS and burgeoning DVD market, the movie became a cult classic, and with that success, it meant dollar signs that New Line Cinema was more than ready to collect with a sequel, which to many is the best in the franchise. 

(Cut to the opening credit of Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me, then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to which I would have to agree, this is the textbook definition of what a sequel should be. It can capture the original spirit of the first and be its own thing. But for the sake of argument, we will see whether or not it is truly worthy of such acclaim. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time; this is (Vomitous noises are heard) Austin Powers In The Spy Who Shagged Me.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with (Show Star Wars-Esque expositional crawl. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this was around the time The Phantom Menace came out to parody that was unoriginal, sad to say. I mean, it's not like there's other references (Cut to clips of Dr. Evil as he talks about "Death Star" and Scott says "Darth." Cut to James as he grimaces. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Dr. Evil decides to escape from his Big Boy Rocket to torment Austin and Vanessa once again. Speaking of the happy couple Austin and Vanessa are just getting done with another round of "Whoopie" as Austin discovers something isn't kosher about Vanessa. (Show Vanessa as she starts to glitch, then is later revealed to be a Fembot! After Vanessa reveals her machine gun boobs, we cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think the bigger question is, HOW IN THE HELL DID THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE NOT KNOW ABOUT VANESSA? OR IF THEY DID, WHY DIDN'T THEY REPROGRAM HER TO TAKE OUT DR. EVIL?! IT WOULD'VE SAVED THEM THAWING AUSTIN OUT BUT STILL PROBLEM SOLVED!

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Vanessa explodes, leaving only the fresh scent of pine and a slightly charred Austin Powers. After breaking the fourth wall and mourning her momentarily, Austin realizes he's single and can swing again! I wish he had something on to hide the junk except the well-placed props. Hell, even a banana hammock would suffice as the credits roll. We then cut to a NATO Facility in Guam where dated reference number fifty is shown Scott Evil appearing on an episode of Jerry Springer. To his surprise, Dr. Evil returns to a national audience. It goes about as expected for a Jerry Springer Episode! We soon find Austin back in England, where Basil tells Austin they knew Vanessa was a Fembot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so do we discover what happened to the real Vanessa? Will Austin now have to look for her while stopping Dr. Evil's latest nefarious plot? Nope, Vanessa is just tossed out the window after this.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Austin has a photoshoot with someone who works for Dr. Evil. Sadly, it is not Rebecca Romijn; it's actually Ivana Humpalot, played by Kristen Johnston; now I know why she was a recovering alcoholic on "Mom." So as you try to laugh at that, we soon find Dr. Evil at his new base, where we've introduced to possibly the most prominent character known for the series. Mini-Me played by the late Verne Troyer. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those wondering, yes, Mini-Me, who was one-eighth the size of Mike Myers, was the most popular character in the franchise. When the third movie was in production Mike Myers had to meet with a private investigator who handed Mike a letter from George Harrison, and this was after George Harrison had passed away, and in this letter George said how much Austin Powers had made him laugh and wanted a Mini-Me doll! THAT IS HOW INCREDIBLE MINI-ME BECAME! And what I am telling you is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So as Dr. Evil connects with Mini-Me, he concocts not just another plan to take over the world but to take Austin Power's MOJO! Using a time machine, Dr. Evil plans to go back and take the MOJO from Austin back in the 1960s courtesy of his Scottish associate Fat Bastard, played by Mike Myers. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that we're keeping score, Mike is the Hero, Villain, and Henchman in his movie. What's next? Does he play a hero, villain, henchman, and love interest in the next movie? Well, at least we know the role of Fat Bastard is the role that got him the part of Shrek, at least I think so. (Chad wakes up in shock)

Chad Narducci:
Jesus, James, what the hell happened? I took a shot of the local moonshine, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a bed with you next to me. (An awkward silence between the two is felt for five seconds.) Yeah that totally

TLOTA:
Yeah, it did. Don't bother going to your room. It's filled with rowdy college women.

Chad Narducci:
What? I didn't invite any; something isn't right. (Chad opens the adjoining door to show a room full of Shedroids. Chad quickly closes the door in fear.) James, I think we should check out and drive on right now!

TLOTA:
Should I fight you or (James opens the door, stands in shock, then closes it.) Grab everything that isn't nailed down and RUN! (James and Chad get everything, running for their lives as the music from a final event in an Austin Powers movie are heard in the foreground.)

TLOTA (Speeding past the concierge):
Checking out early, Send the bill to Killroy!

Chad Narducci (Speeding past the concierge):
It was all James' fault! (The two get into the car with only a 55 % Charge and bolt out of the parking lot just as the hotel is reduced to rubble due to the implosion. Chad looks back to see the damage)

Chad Narducci:
Just for the record, if the Chief hears about this, let me say that I wouldn't want to be you.

(James gives a glance of evil as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin loses his MOJO at the most inconvenient time as Austin and Basil set up Austin with his time machine to send Austin back to 1969 to recharge the MOJO leading to Austin to ask the questions someone would ask until he was cross-eyed. But thankfully, Basil must be a British fan of MST3K as he says it's just an adventure, and Austin should relax and enjoy the trip. Austin makes it to his pad just in 1969, where his old dental problem also finds him there. Austin quickly reacclimates to the time as a spy for Dr. Evil tries to kill him. Still, thankfully we're introduced to Austin's new love interest Felicity Shagwell as she turns out to be an agent for the CIA played by Heather Graham and for those who found her performance in "Lost In Space" intolerable, Let me say she's better here than in that one episode show she had on ABC! Oy Vey! Mustafa returns to try and kill the two only to be quickly thwarted by being asked the same question three times in a row! (Cut to James and Chad in the car.)

Chad Narducci:
That's not annoying!

TLOTA:
Oh really?

Chad Narducci:
No

TLOTA:
Oh Really?

Chad Narducci:
No!

TLOTA:
OH REALLY?

Chad Narducci:
YES! YES, IT IS ANNOYING, ESPECIALLY FROM A DICKHEAD IN A CAR WHOSE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS COULD SOLVE A TON OF PROBLEMS!

TLOTA:
And Cause a global killing device should the technological advancements fall into the wrong hands. You didn't think about that, did you? Guess not

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Back at Dr. Evil's Volcanic Lair, Fat Bastard comes in with Austin's MOJO in his possession and well(Dr. Evil takes a sip of Austin's MOJO and finds Frau Farbissina attractive, leading the two to go wild with each other during the Volcano's eruption. Cut to James and Chad with Chad looking like he's seen the most disgusting sex scene in his entire life.) 

TLOTA:
Chad? CHAD?! Great, he's waiting for the rest of the scenario to play out. That's not even the most disturbing part about this scenario; the rest will happen later on down the line in this movie.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Felicity soon find themselves going over the crime scene briefly as we then find ourselves in yet another montage about Swinging London, probably to help recharge the Mojo and for Austin to tell Felicity about the future he's seen and to have a moment where both Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach play a jingle while the couple gets close. The next morning after a sex scene that would make Tommy Wiseau toss his cookies, we get a good joke set-up and the immediate payoff involving Dr. Evil, Frau Farbissina, and of Course Scott! (Show clip of Frau Farbissina saying she's pregnant in her own way, and Scott arrives. Cut to James and Chad in the car as Chad, still somewhat in shock, puts it all together.)

Chad Narducci:
It works out timeline-wise, and it also means that at least there's nothing as wrong.

TLOTA:
There's something that will make both of us blow our chow later. (A ringtone is heard) One moment. (James punches in a code, and an image of Chief Development appears.)

Chief Development:
Hello, Agent 428, Chad. I just received the bill from what happened a few states ago. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
This one is going to be on Chad. He had a little of the local moonshine, and next thing I know, we're running for our lives and having to tell the Front Door Agent the code to get everyone out before the building went kaboom! 

Chad Narducci:
Now, wait for a second, the guy at the front door was an agent? (Cut to Chief Development.)

Chief Development:
Of Course, how else can we keep our eyes on our agents if we don't have secondary agents to inform us? But that's not important; We just received this message from Dr. Vile. It would be best if you watched it. (The screen cuts to Dr. Vile, looking like Blofeld from the recent Bond films, as played by Ed Champion)

Dr. Vile:
Greetings II-DOD! I'm sure Agent 428 may have survived his death. (The Screen cuts to Chief Development.) if so, I will be waiting in Hollywood, if that Dodge Charger can last another day or so.

Chief Development:
I hope you realize the gravity of what's going on. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
I know the gravity of it. unfortunately, we will have to find a place where we can charge the Charger and not be around others. (Cut to Chief Development)

Chief Development:
There is a place nearby; however, I think your friend might mind a night in a park. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
I'll be fine. (Chad shuts off the screen) II-DOD?

TLOTA:
International Independent Departments of Defense. (Chad says Oh! As the two continue to drive. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin discovers the way Fat Bastard took the MOJO. Worried he might not be as good as he once was with it, Austin goes out for a drive to clear his head. Meanwhile, Basil contacts Felicity to track Fat Bastard and insert a homing device.

Chad Narducci (V.O.):
But how will she do it to find Fat Bastard, and Where will she, OH NO! OH GOD, PLEASE NO! (Show clip of Fat Bastard and Felicity in the same bed. Cut to James and Chad as they've set up for the night and have to think of what Felicity and Fat Bastard did and proceed to vomit for a whopping five minutes straight. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of God Save Humanity! Dr. Evil tells us his plan to turn the moon into a weapon that doubles as a Star Wars reference, and Scott shut him down. Meanwhile, Felicity tells Austin that she found Fat Bastard, leaving out details that made me and Chad toss our cookies; thank god, as they take a sample of Fat Bastard's poop, find Dr. Evil's Volcano Lair and Austin, well, yeah, I'm just going to censor what happens for the sake of good taste. (Show heavily edited clip of Austin drinking Fat Bastard's poop! Cut to the rest of the movie.) So after that, Dr. Evil contacts the President to tell him either pay my ransom or kiss Washington D.C. off the map, all while Mini-Me is having a little ride on the Lazer and Scott telling him why his references aren't making any sense to anyone but him. Austin and Felicity make their way to the island and camp out for the night as they set up a shadow routine they'll recycle in the next movie to save a gag. Speaking of gag, hang onto your gag reflex; our heroes are captured as Fat Bastard tells Austin about him in Felicity in full detail. Just as that happens, our heroes are taken into a cell over a slow death where again Scott points out the obvious and like before Austin and Felicity escaped. Dr Evil and Mini-Me head for the moon as does Austin and Felicity. However as Austin and Felicity hitch a ride of Apollo 11, Dr. Evil's Spaceship is shaped like a (Cut to the "Shape" of Dr. Evil's ship joke. Cut to James as he is about to say something as Chad says "WEINER!")

TLOTA:
I get that you don't like me, but calling me a Weiner? That seems even more childish than usual, even by your standards.

Chad Narducci:
No, I'm trying this Weiner Weinerschnitzel; you need to try a bite. Oh, and you need to see this Rocketship; it is shaped like someone's

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as the General says "Johnson." Cut to the rest of the movie as  James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So now we got that out of the way; Austin and Felicity split up as Austin fights Mini-Me in a one-sided fight in Mini-Me's favor until Austin flushes him into the depths of Space! Just as Dr. Evil prepares the Lazer, he also takes Felicity hostage. Austin stops the Lazer but at the cost of Felicity, vowing vengeance, Austin plans to put Dr. Evil down like the animal he is; however, Dr. Evil, in a unique twist, helps Austin out by suggesting he use the time portal and rescue Felicity and stop the Lazer which works out for Austin to save the day. As for the MOJO! (Cut to the clip of the Mojo being destroyed.) So yeah, even after stopping the Lazer and rescuing Felicity, the Mojo is gone, and so is the base. Felicity wants to go back to 1967; however, Austin convinces her there's more that happens in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s for the most part. Austin and Felicity come to the present day, but Fat Bastard comes for the ride as well, and Felicity quickly stops him faster than I can say, Judo-YEOWCH! As Austin celebrates with Felicity, Dr. Evil gets away to fight Austin Powers another day in his Spaceship shaped as (Cut to the ending spaceship joke about Dr. Evil's ship looking like a Penis and Dr. Evil saying, "I'm going to get you, Austin Powers! I'm going to get you" as Dr Evil and Mini-Me chuckle manically, then we see mid-credit scenes of Scott discovering who his mom is and Austin knowing his MOJO is recharged. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the second Austin Powers movie, and it is better than the first by quite a bit. (Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It was the most commercially and critically successful of all three, and you can tell that Mike Myers and everything Austin Powers was just at their peak. A lot of it comes from smashing expectations of what to expect in a comedy like this and how to develop the characters without changing everything about them. The story had excellent progression, and the humor was as good as the first one, even though some of the jokes fell flat. The action is more coherent. Everything that didn't work in the first movie worked here. If you haven't seen it, I strongly suggest checking this one out. It may just be the best movie in the entire trilogy. (Cut to James and Chad as they finished packing up in the Charger.)

TLOTA:
And next time, we'll see what comedic gold will be mined from one more trip into the world of Austin Powers. For now, Chad and I are heading out to find Dr. Vile and rescue the woman I love. Until then, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and you know the rest. Alrighty then, Chad, let's get going. You know it's a shame that (James continues to pontificate as Chad looks and sees the forest, the lake, the clear blue skies, and smiles, finally seeing how James looks at the American countryside as peaceful and serene.) Chad! CHAD! CHAD! (Chad snaps back and looks at James) Were you even listening to a syllable of what I said? 

Chad Narducci:
Nope, just looking at the forest for the trees. (Cut to James as he looks at the ground and then looks up and chuckles as he closes the door. The car drives out of the park.)

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Oh, before I forget, I set the lock timer just as I finished cleaning up the camper.

TLOTA (Audio only):
Lock timer?

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Don't campers in parks like this have lock timers so that the help can come in for the next renter of a camper?

TLOTA (Audio only):
Campers don't have lock timers! CAMPERS DON'T HAVE LOCK TIMERS! (A loud explosion is heard and shown as the scene cuts to black as James shouts out "CHAD!")