(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Last year, was one of the worst for all of humanity, myself included. However, everyone including Allison Pregler was a little steamed that I talked about Baywatch! (Cut to clips of Baywatch as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And a lot of people have given me Tsouris for it! I freely admit I was bored when I did the "In Defense Of Baywatch" and after watching it on Pluto TV and now on "Heroes & Icons" (A nationwide syndicated rerun station on Cable TV) I can say again that yes, this is not high art drama. It does go into fluff territory however, seeing stories of the men and women who actively go out and try to rescue people from dying in the middle of the water does have to have a certain amount of weight to it. But after two spin-offs that lasted two years and a several seasonal run in syndication, Baywatch could not be rescued from the fate of all tv shows that outlasts it's shelf life, it was cancelled at the end of the second and final season of "Baywatch Hawaii" in which the cast rode off into the sunset of the Hawaiian sky on their "Baywatch" boat! Within hours of posting the "In Defense Of Baywatch" someone had mentioned a reunion movie made a few years after the series was cancelled and was made into a movie of the week for "FOX"! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
I immediately regretted defending the series! (Cut to the opening credit for the "Baywatch" reunion movie dubbed "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding". Cut to clips of the "Baywatch" reunion movie as the sounds of crying in pain and whispers of "Must Be Strong!" are repeated during the minute of clips. Cut to James as he sighs in defeat.) This is "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding" (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens on David Hasselhoff as he has visions of his salad days on "Baywatch". Actually it's Mitch Buchanon as he and a woman named Allison who looks SO much like Stephanie Holden the producers of this movie somehow convinced Alexandra Paul to come on board to play Allison, but I digress, the two have been living with each other for some time and it appears that the bomb that was meant to kill Mitch did not do the job as he suffered from amnesia for a brief time only to remember who he is, retire from lifeguarding and decides to ask Allison to marry him. We then cut to our opening credits that show who they got which includes Pamela Anderson reprising her role as C.J. and we also got Carmen Electra, Jason Momoa, and other cast members they could get for pennies on the dollar including Jeremy Jackson to reprise the role of Hobie Buchanon. We then find ourselves back at the Malibu Baywatch base back in California as Taylor Walsh played by Angelica Bridges now runs the center as J.D. played by Michael Bergin, Leigh played by Brande Roderick, and Hobie work under her and before I forget, Hobie is now in a relationship with Summer Quinn once again played by Nicole Eggert. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Now keep in mind Nicole Eggert's age at that point was 20 and Jeremy Jackson was 12 at the time he was on at the same time as Nicole Eggert was. If you threw up in your mouth a little like I did, Mazel Tov you still have some human decency in you. So would the fact the characters of Hobie who was ten and the character of Summer Quinn was probably closer to Nicole's actual age at the time. Think about that. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Mitch does seem to come back to the station to introduce Allison to everyone and to their shock how much she looks like Stephanie Holden and gives the members of Baywatch and us the rundown as to what happened. Taylor convinces Mitch to return to Baywatch as an active member and as he sets up his tower, Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Neely returns and is played by her original actress Gina Lee Nolan! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Backstory time. (Cut to clips of "Baywatch" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1997 actress Gina Lee Nolan was pregnant with her first child a son named Spencer, the pregnancy was hidden well throughout the 1997 season, when the character had returned Neely was shown to have left Baywatch due to a drug dependency. Mitch and Donna had an intervention in which it's revealed that Neely had a little baby girl and she needed help taking care of the girl which somehow makes Mitch realize how much he loves Neely and her daughter, so much so at the end of that season, Mitch proposed to Neely and the sea captain married the two. However, Gina Lee Nolan decided to be with her real child and left the series. This further compounded the problems the productions were having as they tested the couple in a test audience and the response was negative. So what to do? Recast with someone who barely looks like Gina Lee Nolan, show Neely as a liar and a sneak and a thief, as for their marriage? Never happened apparently the sea captain was not licensed to do the ceremony making everything Null and Void between the couple. Thus giving them a tension that would permeate the rest of the character's run in the series and this reunion movie. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And throughout the entire time, we have to see Gina try to incorporate elements into her character that as far as I remember was not a part of her portrayal of her character, but instead, character traits that were incorporated into Neely after Gina Lee Nolan had left the series and the writers had put in. If they were in the character during Nolan's run of the series. (James sighs and holds his head before picking it up) You know, as I watched this movie, I thought to myself is this the hopelessness Joel and The Bots felt whilst watching "Castle Of Fu Manchu", the belief that we all pay a past life's dues for every crime we suffer the same way Siskel & Ebert felt whilst watching "Frozen Assets", the same feeling of loss of life Siskel & Ebert felt as they watched "She's Out Of Control". Maybe it's the past few years just catching up with me of all the losses I've suffered just hitting me all at once, maybe it's...it's...OH, WHAT'S THE USE? WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF! (James breaks down into tears. Cut to a black screen with the words "Several hours of crying and contemplation later. Cut to James as he finishes off a bottle of Pineapple soda) I'm better, for now, let's get back at it! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon find C.J. having opened up a bar and grill in Hawaii where some of the cast members who were in "Baywatch Hawaii" still were doing Lifeguarding. Finding herself bored out of her marbles, C.J. decides to hold a reunion at her bar and grill in Hawaii. C.J. & Mitch talk about his engagement to Allison and says that they're getting married in Hawaii, El Coincidence?! We'll soon find out. Meanwhile, Caroline Holden played by Yasmine Bleeth has become an actress but signs on for the reunion as does John D. Cort played by Gina Lee Nolan's "Sheena" actor John Allen Nelson who also starred in "Baywatch" a lifetime and a half before Nolan arrived on Baywatch! If you're still sane we'll progress with everyone else including Eddie Kramer played by Billy Warlock, Lani played by Carmen Electra who ironically is in Hawaii as a Hula Dancer and friends with C.J. however in the series Carmen Electra was hired as a replacement for Pamela Anderson because the producers needed someone with Pamela Anderson's visibility but also someone who they thought could make the series last a few years more, the character of Lani was written out after one season and the characters never met until this movie! In addition, Jason played by Jason Momoa and Kekoa played by Stacy Kamano from "Baywatch Hawaii" are on board for the reunion. Everyone arrives in Hawaii for the reunion and the wedding including Mason Sato who takes photos of everyone, Sato is played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa and is Mitch's archnemesis, When did this happen? How did the two become enemies? Check out Allison Pregler's "Baywatching" or "Baywatching Nights" for this revelation because I have no idea nor do I care how this happened. Meanwhile, Neely, still suspicious of Allison, teams up with Caroline to confront Allison which is hard for Caroline because Allison looks like her deceased sister! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Well, wouldn't you be conflicted if a friend's fiancee looks like your dead sibling? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Finally, Neely and Allison come to blows as the two fight, 2003 WWE Women's division style, in a pool of water. However, Allison's prints wind up on Neely's necklace. She asks Jason if he knows of anyone on the police force. Jason tells Neely of her brother who runs the prints. Meanwhile, it's off to Haiku Island for everyone. Sato and his henchmen arrive to capture Lani, Cort, Eddie, Caroline, Hobie & Summer as an act of vengeance on Mitch. Again "Baywatching" or "Baywatching Nights" check out why there. While waiting Neely's suspicions turn out to be true as Jason and Kekoa discover that Allison is actually a criminal who was convicted of forgery named Judy Radkin who had extreme reconstructive surgery to look like Stephanie Holden and is in league with Sato! (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And our survey says... (A Ding is heard with the words "No Surprise") It's "Baywatch" this type of stuff happens on a Tuesday for Mitch Buchanon and crew! How does Mitch handle this news? (Show clip of Mitch losing it in Neely's face when Allison tells Mitch who she is. Cut to James physically as he holds his head with his face in his hands before looking up) Mitch...David... You have stupid just branded all over you! I mean, yeah, I understand where you're coming from but if an ex-girlfriend were to try and convince me that my fiancee was hooked up with an archnemesis of mine, I'd have a hard time to buy it, but I'd listen without question and if it were true, I'd have to drop her like a bad habit.(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Sato's henchmen have Lani, Cort, Eddie, Caroline, Hobie & Summer drowned however Sato gives Mitch one chance to rescue them all. Neely and Mitch rescue Summer and Hobie, Leigh rescues Lani and Cort, and JD rescues Eddie and Caroline. After doing CPR to resuscitate Hobie. Mitch and Sato fight one last time with Sato... (Show clip of Sato being turned into chum by the boat propellers as Neely punches "Allison" and takes her gun. Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA:
Did I forget that the Hoff was a producer on the series and the movie? So he must have had some creative clout to see that Mitch Buchanon get a win after the production company tried to kill him off in Baywatch Hawaii's first season. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The Coast Guard arrests Sato's Henchmen, Allison and Mitch call it quits as Allison is arrested as well, Neely and Mitch try to make their relationship work, JD and Kekoa try to be in love again as do Jason and Leigh. And this movie ends with C.J. getting married to a guy named Lorenzo who barely had any screen time. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
So that was the Baywatch reunion movie "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding" Somewhere between Bad and Disappointing is where this movie lies! (Cut to clips of the "Baywatch" reunion movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Don't get me wrong, it has all the cheesiness the show has been known for but man that cheesiness loses its flavor and texture quickly. The acting is what you'd expect for a movie like this but in this instance, the plot should've ended things for the entire franchise with the proper amount of closure. While some storylines that had been dangling from the series were concluded a lot of the story is just recycled from every single episode, even episodes of "Baywatch Nights" got thrown into the mix. If you're really into the series then you might enjoy all the nods, the references, and the characters that came back but if you were there for the heyday and left after Pamela Anderson or maybe just saw one episode and thought the show was too dumb to even by your standards then you might not like it. If you for some reason decided to sit and stay throughout the series, you may enjoy it. I did find it available on DVD on Amazon or through a third party on eBay. But personally, I think David Hasselhoff was right to say that after the 1999 season that it was a good idea to have the series end then and there. Because the only competition for something this intolerable was the movie that was made a few years ago. (Cut to James physically outside his studio near a trash dumpster with another copy of "Baywatch" starring Dwayne Johnson with a grenade and ten sticks of dynamite surrounding the DVD.)
TLOTA:
And everyone should know how I feel about it. (James lights the fuses to the Dynamite sticks, pulls out the pin on the grenade, and tosses the DVD into the dumpster. James runs away quickly as he says "I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion." as the dumpster goes sky high, the scene fades to black.)
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