A "Speed" That's Cool Like Keanu

(Scene begins with different angles of different rooms slowly starting to light up as  04:44-07:33 of “A Good Man” by Murray Gold plays in the foreground intercut with a man driving to a building revealing it to be James’ Studio as a man walking up a flight of steps as he unveils the RoboKnight Morpher, opens it up and presses in the 428 code and is engulfed with light as the door opens the man is revealed to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans sporting his new look with what can be considered a mix of Captain America’s “SHIELD” Winter Soldier shirt and the red and white stripes known to be on Sam Wilson's Captain America’s suit top and his carpenter blue jeans then addressing the people checking out his return to the studio)

TLOTA:
Before I begin, let me say the following, to the people who support and still check me out, Thank you. I appreciate you for everything you have done to support me. But to the PIECES OF GARBAGE THAT IS FORCING ME BACK INTO A BAD SITUATION, I SAY TO YOU, I HOPE YOU CATCH ON FIRE AND WHEN YOU DO SO, I HOPE YOU COME TO ME AND WHEN YOU COME I WILL HAVE WATER AND I WILL DRINK IT SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY! SO THAT YOUR LAST PAINFUL SECONDS ON THIS ROCK WILL BE ME HAPPY YOU’RE GOING TO BURN WHILE I DRINK MY WATER. (“Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike plays in the foreground.) Op! No time to stay this angry because… (The background changes to outer space as James begins to Sing): You look at the Stars! And you see him, With his bright eyes of marble, he’ll make you believe, he cuts through deceit! He has some awards, No Oscars! He’s been here for so long, since the eighties, and with one “Whoa” I’m sure that you know, that he goes a little something like this! Watch him and he’ll show ya, Look him take control, yeah, you know because he’s cool like Keanu, Yeah! Yeah! He’s cool like Keanu! You know he’s Coo-ooo-ool like Keanu! I don’t even have to tell ya! Just watch him and You’ll know how to be Cool Like Keanu, know how to be Cool Like Keanu! Know how to be Coo-ooo-ool Like Keanu! (The ending five seconds of the “Moves Like Jagger” sound-alike play as James disintegrates into stars and reforms into a constellation that looks like Keanu Reeves’ face which becomes a still photo that zooms as it cuts to James cleaning the dust out of his office.)

TLOTA:
You’ll have to forgive me, I have to clean an entire studio, months of dust and well… enough complaining, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and (Sneezes) Some of yours. Let’s talk about Keanu Reeves! (Cut to clips of different Keanu Reeves as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be fair, he’s had a run of critical and commercial highs and lows whether he’s had indie successes that brought audiences in or critically successful movies that couldn’t draw an audience or vice versa, Keanu has had one hell of a career starting in the mid-1980s with tv and smaller roles in movies before gaining success in movies like “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures” and “My Private Idaho”, he’s gone on to be a dependable character actor and has become an icon in acting naturally no matter what the role is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Even if the role is that of a Plainclothes Sergeant officer in the debut of the director whose previous works in Cinematography in movies like “Die Hard” “The Hunt For Red October”, “Basic Instinct”, “Lethal Weapon 3”, “Flatliners”, & “Black Rain” and whose later direction works include (Show posters of “Twister”, “Speed 2: Cruise Control”,  the 1999 “The Haunting” remake & “Laura Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life. Cut to James physically as he awkwardly smiles. Cut to the trailer title card of “Speed”. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O):
Uh…. I think it’s safe to say that if the circumstances were wrong this would’ve been boring as all get out. But to my surprise, it was entertaining and it brought to light a lot of great actors and has gone on to become a piece of 1990s awesomeness, even after a brief stint as something seen as something stupid. But after such a roller coaster ride to where it is now, did it need such a crazy ride? (Cut to James physically as he continues to clean the studio with a vacuum getting plugged in)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time, strap yourself in and get ready, This is “Speed”! (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens as we see a mad Dennis Hopper… (Show moment of Dennis Hopper stabbing the security guard with a screwdriver.) Oh my bad, it’s just Dennis on a Tuesday! As a group of 13 people in an elevator THANKFULLY NOT POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL are caught as Dennis sets off a bomb to get three million dollars. Enter Harry played by Jeff Daniels and Jack played by of course Keanu Reeves both work at the SWAT Bomb disposal detail as they look over the situation, Jack decides to call on his inner MacGyver to create a temporary remedy to get everyone off the elevator. Harry then deducts that this was a close job and tries and finds Dennis in the maintenance elevator…OH SH….! (A thud is heard as it cuts to James on his back with a mop in his hands)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I goofed, I tried to do too much in one moment! OW! And before I get god knows how many comments, I know the character is named “Howard Payne” speaking of pain, I’m hurting like nobody’s business! (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Howard Payne has Harry held captive but a shot in the leg remedies that situation but as for Howard? Well, it looks like he bit it which gets Harry promoted and Jack commended. The next day Jack is enjoying some downtime with his bus driving buddy when a bomb stops the good time. Howard calls Jack and says the lines this movie is most known for (Show clip of Howard saying “Pop Quiz, Hot Shot. There’s a bomb on a bus, Once the bus goes fifty miles per hour, the bomb is armed if it drops below fifty, it blows up. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?”. Cut to James physically as he is getting rid of the few rotten pieces of food and proceeds to clean the refrigerator with a pressure washer)

TLOTA:
Well, according to the new rules and laws as made by this President. (James pulls out a book and preps to read it). “Smile and say goodbye, we must become ineffective in the fight against evil, let the criminals get away with the crime, you’ll be out of pain soon and your deaths will never be given justice because we would rather make those who protect and uphold the law into wussies who cannot protect anyone because the criminals have rights and crime is right!” Yeah, you guys voted for this! OY GEVALT! (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack is told by Payne which bus the bomb is on which just so happens to have onboard Captain Harriman of the U.S.S. Enterprise B, Kitty Farmer from “Donnie Darko”, and of course American Sweetheart Sandra Bullock. (Cut to James as he puts another load of laundry into the Washer)

TLOTA:
Though she just got done with “Demolition Man” and this was before she was in the Romantic Comedies and of course “Miss Congeniality” and the sequel which I think showed her comedic range and of course when she won the Academy Award for “The Blind Side” but yeah, she’s more than earned it. (Cut to scenes from the movie “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack bolts like a bat out of hell to reach the bus but as he gets there, the driver pushes the bus to nearly fifty. Commandeering a guy’s Jaguar driver and all to help him get on board and this happens (Cut to the clip of the Jaguar owner as he hits the stopping barrels at the exit of the freeway. Cut to James as he begins boxing up stuff out of Alex’s Office.)

TLOTA:
That’s nothing, you should see what happened to the driver after him.

(Cut to the Goofy Driver’s Ed short “Freewayphobia” at the 14:24 mark, cut to the 14:42-14:54 mark of the same short. As the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack makes it on board the bus and identifies himself as L.A.P.D. and tries to gently inform the passengers on the bus of the situation at hand when a paranoid passenger accidentally shoots the driver and well… (Show clip of Jack as he explains the situation to the passengers that there is a bomb on the bus and that because it’s at over fifty miles per hour it won’t blow. The moment it drops below that, the bomb explodes. Cut to James as he tries to scrape Alex’s name off the door.)

TLOTA:
So yeah, Mart moves there Rocket Skyentist in shooting the guy who could keep the bus at a constant fifty-five miles per hour and safe until the situation could be resolved. Who’s going to drive it now? (Cut to the clip of Annie as she gets behind the wheel and admits she doesn’t have a driving license because she was speeding. Cut to James physically) Okay, that was kind of funny. Which now must be offset by this moment. ORAC! Are you active and online?

ORAC (Audio only):
Active and online, I take it you are cleaning up from the months of disuse.

TLOTA:
Yep, And right now, I need you to contact my Glasier!

ORAC (Audio only):
May I ask, why? (James shatters the window with Alex’s name)

TLOTA:
That’s why! (James sighs as it cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Harry gets called by Jack to let them know that their mad bomber is back and what his new plan is, and the bomb’s design which has enough explosives to wipe California off the map and with the possible exception of a few people, I hope the bomb blows and takes that whole state off the map. Harry somehow puts together on somethings that were in conversations past, such as the fact as changes in the explosive materials, and the usage of this bomb of a Gold Watch! Harry hears the words and wants to check out the history of retired cops! Meanwhile, Jack gets a call from the bomber and lets him know about the wounded Bus Driver, Jack’s fellow Bomb Squad/Negotiation squad gets the Driver off however one passenger tries to join him but… (Cut to the clip of The steps on the bus exploding and the Passenger is killed and Howard talking about Interactive TV is the wave of the future. Cut to James as he opens up a drink after finalizing the clean up on the Horseshoe couch)

TLOTA:
For that poor crazy woman who lost her life trying to survive! (The drink spills out on the floor on the rug.) DAMN IT! Where’s the Rug Shampooer? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the surviving passengers continue to hold on to the little bit of hope left they soon discover that there is a good-sized chunk of the Highway is incomplete. What to do? After such moments like shifting everyone to one side so that way it can safely turn in corners? Have everyone drop down on their knees, put their heads between their legs, and hope to god it’s not to kiss their asses goodbye! If that works, it’d be a miracle. (Show the jump of the Bus as the “Dixie” horn from The Dukes Of Hazzard plays in the foreground and lands. Cut to James as he finishes cleaning up his private office and pulls out a sign with the number 10 on it! Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Harry discovers who Howard Payne is and where he might be. Before heading out to grab him, Harry helps Jack try and dismantle the bomb which doesn’t end well as everything that can go wrong short of the bomb blowing up happens as every trick in the book to dismantle the bomb goes belly up! What else can go wrong? (Show clip of Jack hitting the gas tank as he’s pulled into the bus. Cut to James as he stands outside his work office in full decontamination gear)

TLOTA:
Well, open mouth, insert foot while getting my ass kicked! (James opens the door, cleaning gear and guns blazing, and screaming, cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While that happens Harry and an entire squad of officers in full tactical gear go to where Howard is supposedly is when… (Cut to the alarm going off as Harry stares at it) It was in that moment Jeff Daniels would realize that after this movie and “Dumb and Dumber” he would regret every career movement he’d ever make! (Show the explosion killing the entire squad. Cut to James as he prepares every single piece of garbage and soaks it in Gasoline then ignites it.)

TLOTA:
A moment of silence for Jeff Daniels’ career after this movie and Dumb & Dumber! (James lowers his head and places his hand over his heart for five seconds) Sorry, Jeff! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Payne tells Jack about his partner’s passing and Jack handles it well as a sociopathic bomb happy lunatic laughs maniacally at him.  (Jack smashes the phone, then discovers Annie’s Satchel is about the University Of Arizona and that their sports team is the “Wildcats” and comes to his conclusions.) Realizing that somehow Payne is watching them on a closed-circuit video frequency, Jack comes up with the idea that maybe if they record enough of everyone on the bus sitting still then run it on the video frequency on a loop, they can get everyone off and the bomb can go off with no one on board. A nice idea however with them running low on gas, they have no choice but to run a minute’s worth off footage as the rest of Jack’s team gets the hostages off and Jack and Annie well… (Cut to the clip of Jack and Annie as they slide out of the bus just as the bus goes kerblammo! Annie talks about how relationships that are based on intense experiences never work out. Cut to James Physically, finally after cleaning every cubic inch of the office, exhausted from cleaning the entire Studio.)

TLOTA:
WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT?! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Just as Annie is introduced to Jack’s superiors, Jack’s C.O. reminds him about the mad bombing asshole, the guy who killed his partner, the ransom, you know the unimportant stuff that has to be taken care of, THAT has to take precedent and Jack is like “Oh yeah!” but I’m sure Jack is professional enough not to… (Show clip of Annie in the middle of the situation again as James cries “YOU SON OF A BITCH IDIOT! ARGH!” then sighs and relaxes) Well this ends as you’d suspect as Payne grabs Annie, the ransom from under the garbage bag is taken and plants a bomb on Annie! Howard runs into a subway car as Jack follows in hot pursuit of Payne, Payne tries to bribe Jack when the dye packs in the money go kaboom! What’s wrong Howard? Upset when a bomb is harmless and explodes in your face! (Show clip of Howard losing it, shooting everything in sight! Cut to a blank table as bullets ricochet off everything)

TLOTA (Audio only):
It’s a good thing I coated the paint in Kevlar and Titanium otherwise I’d be in real danger! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack and Payne square off one more time as Payne realizes there can only be one! (Show clip of Howard Payne as he loses his head, literally! Cut to the rest of the movie as James continues his voiceover.) Discovering that the only way to stop is to speed through the track which is not finished either, Geez California your state sucks! I digress the subway car hits the surface and stops on a tour van and that’s where the movie ends. Annie and Jack end up in love, Payne is in Hell being blown to bits, Harry after dying being reincarnated to a man named Harry Dunne and there is a sequel that was so bad it sank and I ain’t touching it with a friggin’ iceberg! (Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
So that was “Speed” was it good? Yeah. Was it exciting? Yeah. Was it well written? Not always. Was it a fun ride? YOU BET YOUR ASS! (Cut to clips of “Speed” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is the Textbook definition of Popcorn Action Adventure! The story while not perfect flowed well to get to some awesomely amazing moments. Keanu, Sandra, and Dennis Hopper steal the movie in their performances, and this is probably the reason people still watch this movie. The number of practical effects is a joy to watch, is it perfect? Far from it. But if you’re in the right mood for something with the right abundance of fun dumb, action, adventure and comedy then this is the movie for you. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And there are two more movies on my schedule for us to see how Cool Keanu Reeves is as he goes toe to toe with the prince of darkness himself! I’m… (Lights turn on and off as it appears that everything has been bathed in a dark blue light James is now on the horseshoe couch in the lobby on a Canted Angle as the First twenty-eight seconds of “The Master Vainglorious” by Murray Gold plays in the foreground.) In the Lobby! (James looks around until he looks in the chair next to him as it looks like he’s face to face with himself sitting on a throne.) What…The…Literal…Definition…Of…Hell?! (Scene fades to Black)