Reality Checkout: Reality Romance

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: Ah February, So many things happen in this short yet cold month. We're hit with heavy snow every which way from Sunday thanks to the most hated Groundhog on the second of this month, The Super Bowl which disappointed me and of course the one day every person who is single has to roll their eyes and decide to crawl into a bottle and not come out until the 21st of March. That's right, VALENTINE'S DAY! And with it comes not only a glut of bad Romantic movies on The Hallmark Channel  and on certain other channels but a glut of one form of reality show that gets my blood so hot with anger I could boil a pot of water with my forehead!(Cut to clips of Reality Romantic series past and present as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I have made my thoughts on The Romantic Comedy Movie Genre clear and I stand by the rebukes on the Genre I made to this day and my associate The Rowdy Reviewer has made his rebukes on the Reality TV clear as well and even he admitted in his review on the Reality TV Genre that the romantic reality series which pretty much is all crap and how he could've stocked the entire review on clips from the Reality Romance Genre! Shows like "The Bachelor", "The Bachelorette","Joe Millionaire","Are You The One?", "Average Joe", "For Love Or Money", "The Bachelor Pad", "NeXt","Dating In The Dark" and so many other series have pretty much trivialized everything about trying to fall in love. It's become pretty much for guys looking for love: "Guy sees pretty Girls, Guy sees which ones will be the one who'll give him the least amount of headaches that'll cause boy to cause him to take a trip OFF the Empire State Building, Guy finds that one. Lather, Rinse, Repeat! Or in the case of the Girl looking for love: "Girl is stuck with 1 good looking guy SHE WANTS & a house full of what she thinks are rejects even though those "rejects" would walk buck-naked, barefoot and backwards through all nine levels of Dante's Inferno with a smile on their faces just to get girl, girl slowly but surely tosses rejects out making them feel inferior and thus to feel better take the same trip off the Empire State building the guy from the male version of this idea from the guy's perspective of his romantic failure in this genre, Guy she chose turns out to be a douchebag, she walks away heartbroken and again Lather, Rinse, Repeat" (Cut to clips of Unreal as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is what the series "Unreal" with Shiri Appleby and Arielle Kebbel parodies and demolishes the smoke and mirrors of this genre of Reality TV. Every last stupid ounce of this Romantic Reality series formula which is revealed to be more processed than American Cheese. Which makes me question how desperate are the people in this Genre truly are. Have we become so ambivalent to our sense of decency that we'd go out on these things, make gigantic asses of ourselves and hopefully be rewarded with Mr. or Ms. Right? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know what? This whole Romantic Reality Genre is really one of the oldest ones in the book! (Cut to clips of "The Dating Game", "Love Connection", "Blind Date" & "Singled Out" and other classic dating shows while James does a Voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shows like "The Dating Game" worked on blind dating in a unique way. They couldn't see one physically couldn't see one another and had to hope for the best. Which was a formula that worked well when MTV did their own version with "Singled Out" but there was a difference between those shows The Dating Game they had to tell the person about their personality and who they were as human beings. When "Singled Out" did it, they practically dumped a whole Sorority or Fraternity House who were hot yet desperate and threw the poor guy or girl who was in college that wouldn't have touched them with a ten foot pole and basically debase themselves for that date. Which I think may have become the basis of the new generation of this Genre. Then there was a revamp done with the formula BEFORE "Singled Out" with "Love Connection" a Dating series in which three people go for a video date confessional, the audience chooses who they want her to hook up and how the date either was good or if everything they went through was a waste of time. Then there was "Blind Date" which tried to take two people and throw them into a date with often disastrous results! (Cut to James physically as he sighs, grabs a bottle of Aspirin and takes out two of them, swallows them and washes them down with a bottle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider then sighing)

TLOTA: And just when you think they possibly couldn't go any lower. They seem to find a way to be six inches away from breaking though into China and STILL FIND A WAY TO HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL! (Cut to clips of  "Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" and other Romantic Wedding centered Reality series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):OH YES! THEY ACTUALLY HAVE ROMANTIC REALITY SERIES CENTERED ON MARRIAGE! Shows like "Who Wants To Marry a Multi-Millionaire?", "Married by America" and others just seem to throw conventions out the window! The premise of this level of hell is simple discovers what goes on with people getting married. But when controversy is thrown into the mix with these type of series makes me realize people who want equal rights to be married has got nothing better to do! Then there is the one series that somehow has found itself to have survived on it's controversy! "Married At First Sight" which throws two people brought together by "Experts" on the day they meet as their wedding day! Now I am not against religious or family traditions or the like that have Arraigned Marriages but at least with that the couple getting married have a bit of history. This series itself just thrives on the "Experts" and their experiments hopefully working and as of this post only two of the couples have tried to stick it out! TWO! Out of nine couples in the three seasons it's been on so far that this series has had TWO out of The NINE COUPLES continue forth. As of this post the couples in this season seem to be joining the four previous couples to be divorced! So the odds are more in favor of  me winning a Billion dollar Powerball Lottery, The Cubs winning The World Series and The New York Jets winning The Super Bowl than the couples in this series sticking it out for the long run, that is how bad this whole sham "Experiment" is.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I know I might sound like a curmudgeon but the truth is, I'm not bitter, I'm exhausted from everything I've been through and everything that has had a negative impact on me in my personal life, especially when I have had nothing but bad luck on Valentine's Day and it gets me foaming at the mouth in anger and seeing all these shows hammer in these people who give up their dignity, their self respect, their decency all for the sake of someone who might not give them the time of day after their experience is possibly the WORST THING HUMANITY HAS EVER BROUGHT UPON ITSELF! IF THIS DOESN'T SCREAM WE SHOULD BE WIPED OFF THE MAP! THEN BY GOD, SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS WHOLE THING NOT JUST CHECKOUT OF TELEVISION BUT CHECKOUT OF EXISTANCE! So I guess it's up to me and my friends. (Cut to a green screened pic of a prison with an electric chair and in the electric chair is a body filled with reality romance series as James, John Santos and Mike Santos dressed as guards.)

Guard (James): Roll on one! (Cut to Eric Kurtzke switching on the electricity to the room before cutting to James) Reality Romance TV you have been condemned to die by a jury of Internet Reviewers sentence imposed by a judge in good standing with the Internet. (John Santos puts a black cloth over the head, James leaves the sponge dry and places it over the black cloth and Mike connects the electrical element) Reality Romance TV electricity shall now pass through your body until you are dead in accordance with Internet law, God have mercy on your soul. (Clock on wall strikes ten as Mike sees something)

Guard (Mike): The Sponge is dry!

Guard (John): James wants it as painful as possible!

Guard (James): ROLL ON TWO! (Eric pulls the switch as Reality Romance TV Screams in pain and agony it cuts to Nick Yaun whooping and hollering like "Wild Bill" in "The Green Mile in a prison cell before cutting to the Reality Romance TV body continue to be in excruciating pain before being ignited with Blue flames and drops dead) KILL IT! (James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the flames out before cutting to James dressed as normal in his office quarters.)

TLOTA: Now I feel better. Now to watch my usual movies I watch around this time. "Splash" & "Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm". Next time, I'm going after something with Batman's involvement in it that's worse than "Batman & Robin" I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

The Different Cuts of The "Bat" from "Beyond"

(Opening credits from “Batman Beyond” play as it puts in place of the word “Apathy” the word “Movies” at the 0:08 mark of the Opening credits before continuing on with the on to the word replacing the word “Greed” with the word Television before cutting to the Batman Beyond opening credits until James’ dad’s disappointing face appears and at the 0:13 mark of the credits is James smiling mug before seeing James in all the places of Terry McGinnis’ Batman as the words “Batman Beyond” is replaced with the word Americans in the back and up front is The Last Of The before the opening credits continue until it ends and the words “The Different Cuts” is seen then cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): In 1999 Warner Brothers Animation after finishing their Batman & Superman animated series wanted Bruce Timm to produce the series “Batman Beyond” set in the year 2039 the series showed an aged Bruce Wayne performed again by Kevin Conroy having retired from being Batman pass on his mantle of being Batman to Terry McGinnis voiced by Will Friedle. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Will Friedle? Hmm, where have I heard that name before? (Cut to a clip of “Boy Meets World” in which Eric sets Cory’s dorm room on fire! Before cutting to clips of Batman Beyond while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That’s right the guy who played the lovable goofball known as “Eric Matthews” on the series “Boy Meets World” voiced a futuristic Dark Knight! I wonder what else he did after “Batman Beyond”. (Cut to clips of both Kim Possible as Ron Stoppable and “Thundercats” 2011 as Lion-O before cutting back to clips of Batman Beyond while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh yeah, forgot about those. The show was incredible. The animation style mixed Cyberpunk, Anime with Bruce Timm’s character design to give Kids WB a standout series in what seemed to be a decent line-up of animated series. (Cut to promo image of “Pinky, Elmyra and The Brain”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That series was terrible, Watch Rowdy’s review of it on “TV Trash”! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But believe it or not, there was a straight to DVD movie that for me what served as a bit of a connecting moment between the Batman Animated Series and Batman Beyond and ended the DC Universe’s run on Kids WB. That of course being “Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker” (Cut to the title of “Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker” before cutting to clips of “Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker” while James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): It was alright and I kind of found of the movie entertaining but I didn’t know until years later that the movie I did see was edited because of Columbine and I eventually did see the unedited version and while it was better there was enough for me to ask which cut was better, The Warner’s cut or The uncut version. Let’s find out in another edition of “The Different Cuts”.  (Show James, Paulo & Rebecca dressed as butchers grabbing the same reel of film and a diagram of the reel of film. James Paulo & Rebecca look at both the three go to a meat slicer, all three slice different thicknesses with Paulo’s cut saying “The” James’s cut saying “Different” and Rebecca’s cut saying “Cuts” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: There’s gonna be a few changes from how I do this usually but not at the beginning so let’s start at where it actually is the same, slightly, first off with, the plot. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “The Plot” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After having been gone for some time The Joker returns to see a new Gotham for him to turn into his chaotic slaughterhouse of fun and apparently a new Batman to make Bonkers for Bat-Balls. But which one uses this plot better? In the Warner Cut they go into depth as to what happened but they had to limit how far they went as I said already this cut happened because of Columbine the Warner’s cut had to remove anything as to how he died and had to limit the amount of the heavier materials like how The Joker died. In fact, they barely said anything about how he died. But in the uncut version, Terry assumed Bruce’s Batman had to kill him when later it was revealed that it was Tim Drake’s Robin who killed the Joker. But I’ll get into those details later with the editing. But for now both versions get the point because we do get to see the moments that eventually bridged the 1990’s Batman Animated Series to Batman Beyond and both did a great job of telling a portion of the Batman tale that possibly happened after The Justice League Cartoon series and before this movie and this series. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Point goes to both versions.

(Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with one Batman insignia on it & the uncut version with one Batman insignia on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And now this is where I would talk about the editing but I think that’ll have to wait until before I talk about the Re-Watch Factor and of course the next portion of this review, The Cast and Characters (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “Cast & Characters” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Cast in both cuts are great and the characters they performed. While Tara Strong was amazing as a younger Barbara Gordon/Batgirl while Angie Harmon was great as an older Barbara Gordon who just like her father, became the Gotham Police Commissioner. Then we have of course the two most iconic voices from Batman mythos. Kevin Conroy is always the first name I think of when I think of the voice of Batman in general and of course Mark “Luke Skywalker” Hamill as not only The Joker but as what many a bat fan has theorized is a relative or descendent of The Joker Jordan Price instead of the red herring he was claimed to be by the producers. Then there is Dean Stockwell if you remember him as “Al” from “Quantum Leap” then congrats on being as much a TV Geek as I am. Dean plays the voice of the Older Tim Drake who if people remember the last couple of seasons of The Batman Animated Series Tim Drake was the character who replaced the Dick Grayson version of Robin. But that’s to name just a few of the names in the cast. So which version performed better? While yes technically they are the same cast their performances differ slightly especially when we hear Terry’s backstory as to why he became Batman in the first place. (Cut to Terry telling Bruce Wayne his backstory before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well obviously you’re out to make up for your troubled past by becoming a costumed vigilante. That’s like me having to rewrite the Space Time Continuum in order to make sure a monster doesn’t take the office of President. Oh wait… (Cut back to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But the point worthy cut is the uncut edition. Why? Two words Michael Rosenbaum!  Who is he? Well outside of his Walken-Esque Performance as “Ghoul” in this special and an episode of “Justice League Unlimited”, he’s been in many a performance in the DC Universe including Wally West in the Justice League series, he was Deadshot, Deadman and probably his most notable performance in the DC Universe as Lex Luthor in a certain other series. (Cut to clips of Lex Luthor in “Smallville” before cutting to James)

TLOTA: Yeah, he was in “Smallville”. I watched and thought it was Okay at best and I really liked the Series Finale! But I digress, point goes to the uncut edition. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with one Batman insignia on it & the uncut version with two Batman insignias on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: So the uncut edition is ahead two to one but when we return we’ll see where they differ greatly and if The Warner’s Cut can make a comeback in a big way.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play as the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the review.)

TLOTA: Now let’s get into where the two are greatly different and where the spoilers are a plenty in the editing!

(Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “Editing” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is where the movie is as different as night and day and here is where we go into Spoilers territory. The Warner’s cut has different dialogue, no blood, death is implied but never said outright as a matter of fact the deaths are as different as day & night as well. Bonk’s death in the Warner’s cut is him getting hit with a heavy and lethal dose of the Joker’s laughing gas as opposed to how Bonk buys the farm in the uncut version. Heck the way The Joker meets his end is as different. In the uncut version Robin having been warped and twisted into being a Joker Mini-Me shoots the joker with his own gun. But in the Warner’s cut, The Mini-Joker Robin shows that Robin is still inside and still fighting The Joker’s reprogramming and shoves The Joker into a backroom filled with water and live electrical wiring and as we all know water and electricity equals in the case of The Joker well…. (Show clip of Joker screaming in pain as he’s being electrocuted off screen as Batgirl hears it.) Yeah a painfully excruciating way to pay the piper and I could go on forever but I suggest you check out the Wikipedia page to discover all the differences. So which cut was better? Well it depends on how you want to see the Joker die. Me personally I liked how the death was implied in the Warner cut over actually seeing it in the uncut version. Seeing him die from a gunshot wound was kind of underwhelming and I think this is where the Warner’s cut shine it allowed for more suspense. Now don’t get me wrong seeing a more mature Batman Beyond was great but here’s the thing even at its most intense while it was rated TV-Y7 was more mature than the uncut version of Return Of The Joker. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Point goes to the Warner’s cut. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with two Batman insignias on it & the uncut version with two Batman insignias on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: We’re tied up and now we’re on to the deciding factor, The Re-watch Factor! (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut & the uncut version as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” and the words “The Re-Watch Factor” in the Batman Beyond Bat-Insignia before cutting to James doing a voiceover clips from both versions.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is where things are probably the MOST different. After watching the uncut version, you understand why Warner Brothers reedited the movie. Sometimes going down the safer route is the better way. Now don’t get me wrong the uncut version is great but after a while seeing the Joker die in such an underwhelming death in the uncut version is pretty boring. So when Barbara said “We buried The Joker deep under Arkham” after hearing The Joker’s screams of death. Even the audience wasn’t sure if after being buried if he was still alive or wonder how he survived. So it adds to the mystery is it truly The Joker or is it someone else continuing on taking on the mantle. But which cut makes the grade? Well if you want to see the cut some people consider better because it was the original idea. Well then that’s your prerogative. Me personally as much as I like The Uncut version, I have to give The Warner’s version it’s just due. It just feels darker than the uncut version and it also moves at a better pace than the uncut version. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So the superior cut is “The Warner’s Cut” of Batman Beyond Return Of The Joker. (Cut to DVD Covers of both “Return Of The Joker” the Warner’s Cut with three Batman insignias on it & the uncut version with two Batman insignias on it as the opening Music from the Opening Credits of “Batman Beyond” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Well I hope… (Static breaks the feed before cutting to a completely dark hole with no light whatsoever.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: I knew you were coming I just can’t seem to see you right now. (Cut to the dark hole with no light whatsoever that’s supposed to be the Batcave.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): SERIOUSLY?! I’M STICKING OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: No, you’re not! (Cut to the dark hole with no light whatsoever that’s supposed to be the Batcave.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca):  Oh well, let me fix that! (Two seconds of grunting and nothing has changed.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): HOW ABOUT NOW? (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Did you hit the on switch? (Cut to the dark hole with no light whatsoever that’s supposed to be the Batcave.)

C.N. Batman (Audio only portrayed by Paulo Fonseca): WHAT KIND OF FOOL DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?! OF COURSE I HIT THE ON SWITCH! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Allow me! (James pulls out a sonic screwdriver as we cut to the batcave now properly lit and The Christopher Nolan Batman now played by Paulo Fonseca recoiling in fear and groaning in agony.)

C.N. Batman: TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS! THE LIGHT HURTS THE FACT THAT MY DARKNESS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS TRAIT! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Oh really? I thought your best trait is supposedly to be on par with famous fictional and realistic detectives? (Cut to The Christopher Nolan Batman)

C.N. Batman: STOP WITH THE HUMOR! STOP BEING FUNNY! HUMOR MUST NEVER BE IN A COMIC BOOK FILM! ONLY TOPICAL EVENTS THAT WILL REMAIN RELEVANT TEN YEARS AFTER IT BECOMES HISTORY IS WHAT’S NECESSARY IN COMIC BOOK FILMS AS WELL AS BROODING IN DARKNESS AND IT CULMINATES WITH HEROES ENDING UP AS MARTYRS SO PEOPLE CAN RISE UP AND BE MARTYRS FOR THEIR OWN CAUSES JUST LIKE IN THE EPIC MASTERPIECE “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES”! (Cut to James.)

TLOTA: Well what a predicament you’re in because guess what, next time, I’m going after “The Dark Knight Rises” and guess what in one review I will take you down and show that your magnum opus is a magnum anal evacuation that shows how far down you have taken DC Comics AND how far you’ve fallen. So take me on if you dare! I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND THAT’S MY OPINION!