(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the
statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the
Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season
of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The
Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it,
Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up
on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a
bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British
Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s
Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James
taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final
season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver
then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The
Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a
heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to
see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)
(Scene changes to a mad scientist’s lab with a mad scientist
who looks like Paulo Fonseca laughing as camera cuts back to James standing
behind the Mad scientist.)
TLOTA (Shouting): I’M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS
AND THE VIEWS I’M ABOUT TO EXPRESS ARE THAT OF MY OWN AND SOME OF YOURS! (Hand
signals to everyone to wait one moment.)
HEY DOC! TURN DOWN THE NOISE!
(The Mad Scientist walks over to his MP3 Player to turn down the volume
on it.) Sorry, but I was behind the scenes of “GLEE” recently and overheard
that the people in charge of the show were working on either another series for
Lea Michele or a spinoff for her character Rachel Berry. So to help them I got
the best guy in the Entertainment industry a hundred dollars could get to
either get a spinoff or a new series for Lea Michele. Say hello to Doctor
Plotsz! Doctor! Introduce yourself to my audience.
Dr. Plotsz: Guten tag!
TLOTA: So doc, what have you got for me so far?
Dr. Plotsz: Well Herr Faraci, I’ve got some doozies of
plots! Einen Plot I have is for a spinoff in vhich ze Character Rachel to find
her way to Hollywood and vork for einen private envestigator who is a
Nosferatu!
TLOTA: You just described “Angel” and at least half of the
Private Investigator who happens to be a vampire series you schisse head.
Dr. Plotsz: Okay, Vell, Another plot I have is wunderbar,
Rachel tries to make einen comeback on Broadway but in ze meanwhile she vorks
at a restaurant in vhich she befriends einen fraulein who wants to start einen
bakery!
TLOTA: That’s “2 Broke Girls” you cuckoo kraut!
Dr. Plotsz: All right then, enough here’s einen original
one. Lea plays multiple roles un vhich she is twins and after her sister is
executed… sorry I mean she passes avay, Ze Fraulein takes over taking care of
ze family while ze Vater is einen uber-failure at his job as einen Private
envestigator und it is up to those surrounded by ze Private envestigator who is
not einen Nosferatu! (James looks at Dr. Plotsz as if he had done a do it
yourself lobotomy)
TLOTA: YOU DUMKOPF, THAT’S DUCKMAN! (Cut to “Duckman”
opening credit and clips from the series while James does a voiceover with the
theme song playing in the background.)
TLOTA (V.O.): And there’s a reason why I know this show. It
was the one of the first what I would consider “Hardcore” animated series I saw
as a kid this was on around the same time as “Beavis & Butt-Head” and this aired on The USA Network
when the USA network’s highest rated program was “USA Up All
Night”. (Cut to James & Dr. Plotsz)
TLOTA: But is it a bad series that came at a good time or
was it a good series that was horribly done in by its own indulgences. Uh no
offense but I think I’m better off working on my review of “Duckman” in my
office. When you come up with something good, you’ll have your secretary call
me up?
Dr. Plotsz: Jawohl. FRAULEIN STORY IN HERE MACHT SCHNELL!
(The door opens to see Fraulein Story played by Rebecca Fonseca come in with a
Brooklyn accent.)
Fraulein Story: You called? (Cut to James & Dr. Plotsz)
TLOTA: Homina-Homina-How-WOW!
Dr. Plotsz: I did not know you spoke Cherokee Herr Faraci.
Fraulein Story you will take James’ number. (James zooms to Fraulein Story)
TLOTA: My home, work and Cell phone numbers, E-Mail, and all
my personal effects especially my address after Eight O’Clo..(Cut to James with
Rebecca & Paulo and a milk soaked washcloth in James’ personal quarters in
his office.)
Rebecca: I told you not to act as if you stand a chance. You
have to understand women have become more conditioned to treat men as they are
which just so happen to be garbage.
Paulo: Tell me about it, I had to get a lawyer to write up
an agreement for a date with a woman I saw.
Rebecca: That’s how it is James.
TLOTA: If Fraulein Story calls let me know so I can deal
with Dr. Plotsz. Meanwhile I’ve got a show to review so unless you two want to
wind up like Fluffy & Uranus after Duckman gets pissed off and decides to
do something incredibly inhumane now would be a good time for you two to GET
OUT OF HERE! (Paulo & Rebecca run for the door as James takes off the milk
soaked washcloth.) This is “Duckman” (Show “Duckman” episode and clips of
“Rugrats”, “The Wild Thornberrys” & “All Grown Up” before cutting back to
“Duckman” pilot while James does a voice over)
TLOTA (V.O.): It should be noted that one of the production
companies and the primary Animation Studio behind “Duckman” is Klasky Csupo who
was also behind such shows as “Rugrats”, “The Wild Thornberrys” & “All
Grown Up”. But I digress, our Pilot introduces us to Duckman’s fantasies of
being respected, well read and well liked when in reality not so much and he is
kind of well, incompetent and his sister in law Bernice has pretty much one
desire to remind him of how worthless he is to her and the three oddity kids Ajax
voiced by Dweezil Zappa that’s right Frank’s son and Siamese twins Charles
& Mambo voiced by Dana Hill until her death, E.G. Daily & Pat Musick.
But anyway Duckman had the three with Bernice’s sister Beatrice who died of
“Plot convenience No.428: Never really explained, just She’s dead, that’s it”
and at his office in Los Angeles he has to deal with his two secretarial
associates “Fluffy & Uranus” and his jack of all trades assistant Willibald
Fievel Cornfed or as everyone calls him on the show “Cornfed” and while he does
have a small modicum of love from his kids, we get a sense this duck is not
firing on all cylinders. (Show clip from
pilot the moment when Fluffy & Uranus try to be nice to Duckman and Duckman
responds by violently attacking the two then the clip of Cornfed listing off
all of Duckman’s enemies then cut to clip of Duckman looking for a cigarette
only to find a mouse trap then finds a bomb in his car which he promptly throws
out a window which lands in a truck and the truck drives into a hotel full of
world leaders before cutting back to James)
TLOTA: Yeah, there is a lot of un-P.C. humor in this. (Cut
to clips where Duckman tries to make a concerted effort to connect to his
family while James does a lot of voice over)
TLOTA (V.O.): But underneath that crude and disgusting
exterior is a heart and depth that shows in the episodes especially when
Duckman tries to connect to his family. (Show clip of Ajax talking to Duckman
at the end of the Pilot and Duckman expressing his thanks before James
continues with his voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): And what really impressed me was the talent in
the main cast aside from the actors I mentioned who played the kids. Jason
Alexander who is also eternally known as George Costanza from “Seinfeld” puts
not only the acidity into the foul-mouthed fowl but underneath that shows the
frustration he tries to do a little better does he succeed all the time? Well…this
clip says it all (Show clip from “Clip Show” Episode in which he insults
everything under the sun and puts in all the time he shouts his catchphrase
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STARING AT?” before James continues on with the
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): And tell me, TELL ME after hearing this rant
some if not at least 95% of all of us Internet reviewers were inspired by
Duckman in one form or another. (Show clip of Duckman ranting in the nuthouse
to the Psychiatrists in the episode “A Room With A Bellevue” intercut with The
Nostalgia Critic ripping the movie “Pearl Harbor” and Michael Bay over the fact
that the sailor who shouted “I can’t swim” before cutting back to clips of
Duckman and James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Nancy Travis who I thought was British due to
the fact I first saw and heard her in the movie “Three Men & A Baby” and
its sequel is actually American and as Bernice and in flashbacks of Beatrice
and a surprise character that’d appear in the fourth season as well as
Grandma-ma in both flashbacks & an episode centered around the fact she was
a Russian immigrant who was forced into marrying her husband out of jealousy of
her true love. However after watching all those episodes hearing Bernice
tearing Duckman a new one became well… grating. (Show clips of Bernice chewing
Duckman out and yelling at him before cutting to James covering his ears and
groaning in misery then cuts back to James doing a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Gregg Berger did a spot on deadpan combo of
both Joe Friday and Frank Zappa’s Greggery Peccary as his inspiration to the
voice of Cornfed and this was the second porcine character Berger portrayed.
Who’s the first you may ask? (Show clip of U.S. Acres short from “Garfield
& Friends” of Orson The Pig with James doing a voiceover those clips and
clips of other animated characters)
TLOTA (V.O.): That’s right all you “Garfield & Friends”
fanatics the same guy who voiced Cornfed & Agent K in the Animated “Men In
Black” series voiced everyone’s book reading, farm cleaning pig Orson as well
as everyone’s lovable dog in the Garfield universe “Odie”. (Cut to Clips of Odie
annoying Garfield before cutting back to clips of Duckman while James does a
voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Then there’s Fluffy & Uranus both voiced
by Pat Musick. While C.R. talked about the duo and Duckman in his “Top Eleven
Fluffy & Uranus Eviscerations” episode of “Familiar Faces” I feel C.R. got
it right on the mark about the characters but his list is missing one
evisceration caused by Duckman in the fifth episode when Duckman gets a new
lease on life while the duo get eviscerated by becoming a Molotov Cocktail
which makes C.R.’s List this evisceration happens later on which was done
because of Duckman who got more work because of his surgery and well, being
overworked the two decide it’s better to go head first into a blender set to
gooify than it is to work for Duckman. (Show clip of Fluffy & Uranus being
overworked then Fluffy pulls out a blender and the two willingly go head first
into the blender then cutting to James smiling.)
TLOTA: I don’t know why but I always get a laugh out of that
moment. Maybe I’m not right in the head.
Rebecca (Audio only): It took you that long to figure that
out?
Paulo (Audio only): This is James we’re talking about.
TLOTA: We’ll be right back. (James stands up and grabs a
Napalm flame thrower)
TLOTA (Audio only): OH PAULO! REBECCA!
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the
commercial break intro and return act to the review)
TLOTA: Well I hope you two learned something. (Cut to
Rebecca & Paulo Fonseca looking a little more toasted.)
Paulo: Yes, yes we did. Never insult someone within earshot
who has a Flamethrower that can use Napalm!
Rebecca: I’m hurting in places I thought never could hurt! (Cut
to clips of Duckman while James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): As I watch the series now, I still get a
chuckle out of the biting social satire that to this day still feels relevant
like in the episode “America The Beautiful” where a supermodel named America is
lost somewhere and believe it or not Duckman AND Cornfed go through the
changing times from the 1950’s all the way to the present day when Duckman lost
& disillusioned sits in his room watching TV and listening to music that by
today’s standards are archaic relics heard on Classic Rock. (Show clips from
“America The Beautiful” in which Duckman & Cornfed go through the 1950’s,
1960’s, 1970’s, 1980s and all of the clips of them ending with Duckman getting
hurt in the process leading up to Duckman acting like a Grunge guy then cuts
back to clips of Duckman while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): Now I know what many of you are thinking
shouldn’t the subject matter and the crudity the humor is associated with this
series better being handled by my associate “The Rowdy Reviewer” and his series
“TV Trash”. Well, if he wishes to talk about "Duckman" on his series, I welcome his
opinions on this series as well. But for me I feel that the crude humor a lot
of people would find offensive is nothing in comparison to say at least ten
seconds of “Brickleberry.” (Cut to James in his personal quarters)
TLOTA: Yeah, I saw my compatriot’s review of “Brickleberry”
on TV Trash and whole heartedly agree with everything my friend and blood
brother said in that review. (Cut to Clips of Duckman while James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.): The subject matter however they used when it
came to social satire they handled it amazingly like in the episode “The
Longest Weekend” that showed the differences between the classes of neighbors
and how ultimately it could all go wrong if we choose the violent path
especially if the idiots run the world. (Show pic of current world leaders
while audio of Nelson from “The Simpsons” going “HA-HA!” is heard before
cutting back to James doing a voiceover the clips from “Duckman”)
TLOTA (V.O.): Something interesting to note is that Duckman
had a Plethora of guest stars on the show and a few reoccurring characters. The
most well-known is King Chicken voiced by Tim Curry, who while married had a
fling with Bernice and Listen to King Chicken’s backstory. (Show clip of King
Chicken telling his backstory before cutting back to James physically.)
TLOTA: And when I hear my nieces tell the myriad of Phineas
& Ferb’s villain Doofenshmirtz backstories it makes me glad to know that
villains that I knew had one motive most of the time. (Cut to clips of Duckman
while James does a voice over.)
TLOTA (V.O.): By the fourth season they decided to up the
crazy by introducing “Plot convenience No. 813: Missing Sibling to replace
regular character” As Bernice in the season premiere went from being the type
of male bashing singer Alanis Morisette fans hoped she was and then transformed
into a congresswoman and introduced Beverly also played by Nancy Travis as said
missing sibling and to the character’s credit she was able to see the better
side of Duckman but even she saw the insane and had her limits. However more risqué
and edgy shows came by this time and “Duckman” couldn’t compete no matter how
hard they tried and in 1997 the show ended on a cliff hanger not because USA
wouldn’t order the conclusion, the people in charge of the show decided to do
so. Why? To let a future generation
decide the fate of the characters. The plot of the finale has Duckman marry
Honey who is King Chicken’s ex, Beverly marry Cornfed & Bernice marry King
Chicken and in the last few moments Beatrice who had been dead this WHOLE TIME
re-appears and tells Duckman that Cornfed knew she was alive and it ended with
a “To Be Continued?” which the creators hoped fans would come up with. (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA: Though I think I know how that would’ve ended for me.
(Cut to scene of Duckman and cast enjoying a Luau as two puffs of Pink &
Blue smoke are over a fire where Cornfed is being cooked before cutting back to
James.)
TLOTA: So that’s Duckman and if my friend thinks its trash,
I’m fine with his opinion. Me personally, I can’t help but like this show. (Cut
to clips of “Duckman” while end credits theme from Duckman play while James
does a voice over)
TLOTA (V.O.): In today’s world of Brickleberry and other
crude & sophomorically humored animated series. Duckman is tame in
comparison, Why? Because behind all of the social satire and the crude humor is
a tale of someone who has to come to grips with how his life became the way it
did all while failing miserably at everything he did though trying his best to
get things right. The cast was amazing, the animation is Klasky Csupo awesome,
the writing for the most part is great and everything about it for me is great.
(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and
that’s my opinion. (Knock on the door.) It’s open! (Rebecca comes in with a
phone in her hand.)
Rebecca: Fraulein Story is on line two.
TLOTA: Thanks. (James picks up and connects to the line and
signals Rebecca to beat it.) Hello? (Cut to Fraulein Story at her desk.)
Fraulein Story: Yeah, the Doc has come up with what he calls
his masterpiece plot. Can you come over? (Cut to James back in the office.)
TLOTA: Give me five minutes and I’ll be there. (James puts
the phone on the receiver and walks out to the main office.) Hey Paulo,
Rebecca, you guys minding the place while I’m out?
Rebecca & Paulo Fonseca: No problem.
TLOTA: Thanks. (James walks out the front door and into the
door next door to see Fraulein Story at her desk.)
Fraulein Story: He’s in his office.
TLOTA: Okay not a lot of meaningful conversation. Thank you.
(James walks away from Fraulein Story and scene cuts to inside Doctor Plotsz’s
lab)
Doctor Plotsz: Herr Faraci, I have created einen
masterpiece.
TLOTA: Let me hear it.
Doctor Plotsz: Ze series stars Rachel as she tries to
balance her duties to Ze Glee Club with her dreams of making it big with einen Independent
movie Production Company with einen Black Writer named Tacoma, Einen former
kinder star who legally changed his name to Donnie, einen former IRA zizguise
master named Quinn und ze other Big Character outside of Fraulein Berry is ze
cameraman named Carl whose family immigrated from ze Fatherland during ze
Second World War.
TLOTA: Is the company called “Demo Reel”?
Doctor Plotsz: Jawhol! (James immediately begins to punch
Doctor Plotsz and outlines of James & Doctor Plotsz are seen as James
continues to punch.)
Doctor Plotsz (Audio only): Argh! Mein Furher! I am being
beaten to death with mine own Pancreas! Auch Du Lieber, Is that even possible?
(Screams of pain continue.)
