Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The "Law" of Turkey Schlock

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Deep inhaling sigh) So, it has come to this. We have become so desperate for another Thanksgiving classic that we are adding a movie with Pauly Shore. Am I on something I don't know about or are we as a collective planet getting dumber? ("Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen plays before cutting to the title of "Son In Law" then cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
What the literal definition of hell is this? "Son In Law" is a Thanksgiving classic up on par with the likes of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and "Planes Trains & Automobiles"? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! IT'S LIKE THE NEW YORK JETS WINNING THE SUPER BOWL! WE ALL KNOW IT'LL BE THE DAY THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS GOES ICE SKATING ON THE RIVER STYX WHEN THAT HAPPENS! BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? (Cut to James physically as he pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon)

TLOTA:
Well then, let's break out the only Turkey that should be enjoyed while finding out how this turkey became a Thanksgiving classic. This is "Son-In-Law". (James opens the bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as the credits roll we start off at a graduation in the heartland and as I check, the Missile Silos are about to launch getting ready to unleash "The Day After" on the left of our Valedictorian and Isaac Chroner is being sacrificed to "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" on the right and the wicked cornfield kegger from "Freddy vs Jason" is going on behind our Valedictorian. This is Becca, played by Carla Gugino as she gives the usual "High School was just the beginning" Spiel every graduate knows that in a few years time is a LOAD! Also, no your eyes are not deceiving you that is a Post "Saved By The Bell"-Pre "Beverly Hills 90210", "White Collar" & "Dinner at Tiffani's" Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. As Becca is accepted to go to a college in California we soon see her father played by "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman"'s Perry White the late Lane Smith goes to the Resident Advisor played by of course the Theta version of Shia LaBeouf, Pauly Shore and how annoying is the guy? (Cut to all the moments Pauly's character was as annoying as all get out before cutting to James as he looks at the open bottle of "Wild Turkey" and mouths "Not Yet" before cutting to clips and stills of Pauly Shore and his career as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now let's make one thing clear Pauly Shore was NEVER funny or anything positive. But for fifteen microseconds Pauly Shore was actually considered popular! He had a hit show on MTV back when they actually showed Music instead of mundane garbage, was put in secondary character roles in movies, he even has a bit of a legacy as his mother is legendary Mitzi Shore, the genius behind The Comedy Store. But for those who thought he could hold everyone's attention and be the star in movies and be funny were placing their bet on the dead horse as by the time this movie was released his shtick had gotten stale and he never got past that and since then has thankfully been relegated to obscurity. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And if you think I am being too hard on him then I'll do you a favor and pay for your CAT scan. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow as Becca is getting ready to either to snap and go on a manslaughter of everyone in the dorm or go home crying. Pauly says that she's too much of a Stick In The Mud and decides to help her get more comfortable in SoCal. But honestly I think my buddy's good pal Rosen is more capable of that than Pauly Shore ever could be and as is typical in the case of someone breaking out of their shell there is the typical makeover montage. But just as Becca is getting comfortable it's Thanksgiving break. Okay, now I'm starting to see the connection. Worried Pauly might get lonely Becca decides to obviously take him home to meet the family and her boyfriend. They see how much Becca has changed and aren't alright with most of it. But everyone is more upset she brought Pauly Shore with her. I'd be upset if someone in my family brought Pauly Shore home to my family unless it is to hold the target for target practice. But what's scarier than bringing home Pauly Shore for Becca? Her preppy douchebag boyfriend whose been tapping Becca's best friend on the side because he's a twat wanting to marry her just as she was enjoying her new found freedom! (DRAMATIC MUSIC STING!) Pauly seeing that it'd be a living hell for Becca decides to lie his weasel ass off and say that the two are engaged. The family and the boyfriend handle it well. (Becca's boyfriend decks Pauly Shore before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Am I wrong in saying that when The Preppy Douche Boyfriend clocking Pauly Shore is a comedic highlight of the movie? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Deciding to go along with it Becca thinks it might be a good idea for Pauly to get into the family business of running the farm. (Show clip of Pauly being thrown into a pile of manure before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
That does feel like a metaphor for all of Pauly Shore's movies. Though I think there is one moment everyone in the cast save for Pauly Shore wished they had filmed but didn't because Pauly, the writers, the director who also directed "The Buddy Holly Story" and other movies felt it'd be a step in the right direction. (Cut to a green screen of James dressed as a farmer)

Farmer (Played by James Faraci):
And over here is the feral hog pen wanna take a closer look? (Surfer dude voice off screen sounding like The '90's Dude saying "That'd be awesome" off screen as The Farmer picks up a sledgehammer and walks off screen as a thwack is heard before a cacophony of squeals and screams as The Farmer cleans the blood off the head of the Sledgehammer) That's for trying to shuck my daughter's corn. (Screams are heard as the farmer walks away before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But no, we're stuck with the typical Fish Out Of Water humor mixed with farm yard hijinks and while Pauly is an annoying ass through and through there are one or two moments in which Pauly actually helps the family as he gets Becca's dad and mom reconnect and hangs out with Becca's grandfather and father as they go fishing. (Show how Pauly's character is supposed to have a moment in which he tries to be deep and be dramatic before cutting to James as he looks to up and to the right before cutting to the Poster of "Son In Law" as James grabs the poster and smacks it on the nose.)

TLOTA:
BAD MOVIE! BAD! BAD! MOVIE! You are not supposed to give us a moment in which we are to side with Pauly Shore and give him a moment to tug at the heartstrings unless the string is around his heart and that string cuts and sends Paulie into a vat of super powerful acid that automatically disintegrates human bodies on impact! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But it appears that Becca's Grandfather is suffering a heart attack and as Pauly attempts to revive the Grandfather. The Grandfather looks in shock as he see Pauly's mug and reacts accordingly (The Grandfather screams in sheer terror then states the obvious by saying " If I had to choose between dying and him kissing me, I'd rather die." before cutting to James smiling)

TLOTA:
That is how I would feel if I had to choose between being saved by Pauly Shore and death!(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After doing that Pauly gets dad's approval much to the chagrin of the preppy douchebag boyfriend's chagrin and the farm hand. As Pauly gets his sea legs working on the farm he finds the combine harvester and... EVEN LESS FUNNY HIJINKS ENSUES! (Show clip of Pauly working the combine harvester as "Combine Harvester" from The Wurtzels play in the foreground as Pauly has a more psychotic look on his face before cutting to James physically as he screams)

TLOTA:
QUIT MUGGING! THAT LAST ONE MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER! As a matter of fact. (Cut to James as he jumps into the movie, throws Pauly out takes control of the combine harvester and a big puddle of red covers the camera before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sad to say that does NOT happen as he impresses the father even further. The next day Pauly goes into town to get new clothes when OH HAI DOUCHEBAG! Actually he has a Bachelor party set up for him that night as a way to bury the hatchet. But not before Pauly tries to get a turkey for Thanksgiving or should I say the Turkey tries to kill Pauly. Which all things considered would be a happier ending. (Pauly howls and causes the Turkey to DIE before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Wow, there's some sort of meaning here. I know Pauly Shore's movie career consists of Turkeys that die on impact but I have to say that this is the first time Pauly Shore with his horrendous acting actually killed a turkey! I have no words to describe what just happened. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
No, The Turkey isn't dead it was just suffering from Pauly Shore shock. After leaving Becca's family to deal with the turkey he gets hammered tries to sing John Denver before Becca's best friend decides to give Pauly a... (Show clip of Becca's friend doing a lap dance to Pauly before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
How old was Tiffani Thiessen when she did that? (Cut to a clip of Tiffani Thiessen in "Son-In-Law" as the number 19 appears and a ding is heard before cutting to James physically) How old was Pauly Shore? (Cut to a still of Pauly Shore in "Son-In-Law" as a buzzer is heard as the number 25 before cutting to James physically) Okay I'm going to go right ahead and call Lieutenant Olivia Benson and thankfully I've got her on speed dial. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning Becca finds Pauly and her best friend in the farm as it looks like the two had a roll in the hay and does what she should've done an hour and a half ago and send him down the road! Meanwhile Becca's best friend quickly discovers the truth of what happened the night before and interrupt Becca's Thanksgiving diner to tell what really happened. (Show clip of Pauly showing the evidence that he and Becca's friend were knocked out by Rohypnol by the preppy douchebag boyfriend and the farm hand and are thrown out.) After that Pauly decides one lie got him into his situation one more should get him out of it and the movie ends as Lane Smith's character says "Grindage" and Pauly being accepted as a member of the family. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was "Son-In-Law". Is it truly a Thanksgiving classic as everyone's making out to be?  (Cut to clips of the movie as "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" plays in the background as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it is no classic by any stretch of the imagination, I understand why everyone is thinking it should be. It does have its few good moments and points where the movie got a chuckle out of me but no way do I think it is on any level TRULY good. While the rest of the cast does the best with what they have to work with they're forced to carry someone who need to be dragged by the skin of his Po-Pos across the desert highway. But what really is surprising to me about this movie is that intelligent people who are trying to cure cancer actually enjoy this and herald this movie as a Thanksgiving classic. While I don't agree with them on this being a Thanksgiving classic, I understand some of their points like how it portrays the ever changing dynamics of families and how they function or fall apart. The need for freedom from your past and all of that. The need to protect your friend from harm. The self righteous belief that you believe you're entitled to get what you want and feel you deserve and don't care who you screw over to get what you want and all of that. But while those points are valid, I honestly didn't enjoy this movie not even to recommend the movie. But if you like it all hope and positive power to you and if you believe it's a Thanksgiving classic, awesome. But if you want my thoughts on true Thanksgiving recommendations then I suggest "Good Eats: Romancing The Bird" or " Good Eats: Countdown to T-Day", a "Star Wars" Marathon, a "Gone With The Wind" Marathon or the MST3K Turkey Day Marathon! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Melting "The Chocolate Factory" Co-Written by Steve Kidd

(A Hand pulls out a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony,  James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Steve Kidd, Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James as he cleans up the studio and whistles “Frolic” by Luciano Michelini as he puts the floor buffer up he passes by Steve Kidd writing in a notebook)
TLOTA:
Hey Steve.
Steve Kidd:
Hey James. (James continues to whistle as he goes into the kitchen to make a cup of Warm Spiced Apple Cider for a few more seconds before James walks back to Steve)
TLOTA:
Steve, what are you doing here?
Steve Kidd:
Oh, nothing much just writing down ideas Warner Brothers I know will eventually do. (James looks over Steve’s shoulder)
TLOTA:
“Tom & Jerry in Rocky”, “Tom & Jerry in Blazing Saddles”, “Tom & Jerry in Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice”, “Tom & Jerry in Kickassia”, “Tom & Jerry in Suburban Knights”, “Tom & Jerry in To Boldly Flee”, “Tom & Jerry in Blade Runner”, “Tom & Jerry in The Room”, “Tom & Jerry In The Lord Of The Rings”, “Tom & Jerry In Harry Potter”, “Tom & Jerry In The Wicker Man”?  Jeez dude, how many “Tom & Jerry” Crossovers are in this.
Steve:
About as much as those schmucks at Warner Brothers can make. (Cut to clips of “Tom & Jerry: Wizard Of Oz”, “Tom & Jerry: Sherlock Holmes”, “Tom & Jerry: Robin Hood” & “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory” as Steve does a voiceover)
Steve (Voiceover):
And haven’t they done enough with the two in these situations? I mean come on Wizard of Oz, Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood all of them have been getting Tom & Jerry Shoehorned in and 95 % of the time they distract from the actual movie that we should be watching. That’s not a good thing. If I want to watch The Wizard of Oz. I DON’T want to see Tom & Jerry being the reason the water bucket nearly didn’t make it to Dorothy. I want to see Basil Rathbone’s portrayal of Sherlock Holmes solve the crime. NOT Tom & Jerry slip the clue that Moriarty did it to Sherlock Holmes. I want to see the Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood save the day. NOT see Tom and Jerry do something to distract Robin from his mission! And guess what, if I want to see the Gene Wilder classic version “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” Guess what, I don’t want to see. TOM AND FREAKING JERRY! (Cut to James and Steve.)
TLOTA:
I see what you did. You’re gonna regret how you set me up for this.
 (Cut to the opening credit of “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
(Sighs) Why? Just Why? I want to know who thought this was a good idea. “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory” rolls right off the tongue about as much as FrankenSharknado and The Vampire Mummy’s Vengeance! I love the Gene Wilder classic 1970’s musical children’s movie classic and I love Tom & Jerry. I also like Seltzer and Warm Apple Cider with spices but if I mix the two it’d be crap! (Cut to James and Steve physically as Steve is about to open his mouth before hearing a laugh then cut to the door as a Lindsay Nagel-esque exec played by Olivia Horvath stands in the doorway with an army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec.:
Mr. Faraci, this was a passion project we had to honor the memory of the Gene Wilder classic and introduce it to newer generations. (Cut to James and Steve.)
Steve Kidd:
If by “Honor the Memory of the Gene Wilder classic” you mean digging up Gene’s freshly deceased corpse, taking it into the back of a van doing things that would make necrophiles sick, putting the corpse back in its grave, alleviating your bladder and bowels over the now very defiled corpse and then burying it and hope you’re not going to be sent for hell for what you did.
TLOTA:
Steve, settle down. Besides if you kill one of them two hundred dozen more take its place and I have to clean up the mess. Besides you and I know what’s true about the 1970’s Gene Wilder classic “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory”
(Cut to stills of the 1970’s Gene Wilder movie and Tom & Jerry Shorts as James does voiceovers.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
What everyone loves about the 1970’s classic was Gene Wilder’s charm as Willy Wonka. The music is iconic, the effects while dated has aged well for the most part and the shorts featuring Tom & Jerry are legendary. So, seeing these two come together seems like a match made by chart lovers and memo makers. NOT by fans of both or any person with more than five active braincells! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
You call them Chart Lovers and Memo Makers, I call them real people who made sure “Suicide Squad” made it the Academy Award winning, critical and commercial success. (Cut to James as he tries to hold Steve off before he goes after her)
TLOTA:
No, they’re the people who live in their own fantasy that everything they do is right and anyone who tells you the truth or ignores reality. (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
You get us! (Cut to James & Steve)
Steve:
You’re gonna make him cuckoo before the review is over aren’t you.
(Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
Is there any other way you can phrase that? (Cut to James & Steve)
TLOTA:
NO! And we’re reviewing this now.
Steve:
Um, I’ve got somewhere else to go… (James grabs Steve and slams him back down in his seat)
TLOTA:
You started this mess, you’re gonna sit here and review it with me. This is “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory”
Steve:
CRAP!
 (Cut to the movie as James and Steve do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as the movie begins… Yeah, we hit problem number one this being a literal shot for shot remake of the intro except for the fact it’s animated! Be afraid people, be very afraid.
Steve (Voiceover)
We’re soon introduced to two of our titular characters Tom and Jerry. And to this movie’s very insignificant credit it does something the 1990’s “Movie” did for a few minutes it keeps Tom & Jerry SILENT! Letting their slapstick and their actions do the talking especially when Jerry outsmarts Tom and when Jerry makes into the Candy store. (Show moment of “The Candy Man” being performed by Jess Harnell for two seconds before cutting to James and Steve physically.)
TLOTA:
Jess Harnell, what are you doing here? Were the residuals from Animaniacs not enough? Are the Ticket sales from your concerts not making as much as you hoped for? Is your music not selling on the Digital market? WHY?! WHY ARE YOU HERE?! (Cut to stills of the voiceover actors from “Animaniacs” as James and Steve do voiceovers)
 TLOTA (Voiceover):
For those who don’t know Jess Harnell was one of the primary voice actors in the animated series “Animaniacs”. He played Wakko Warner amongst other characters in the series. Here he plays both the guy who runs the candy store and Grandpa Joe.
Steve (Voiceover):
Wait so they got one of the guys who performed on Animaniacs which was produced by Steven Freaking Spielberg and he’s in this movie as The Candy Man & Grandpa Joe?!? Oh GOD! What the hell did The Warners say to make him do this but the fact he is in this made me wonder what bad career decisions he made to get to this point!
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After we hear about the Candy man we meet up with Charlie as…. BADABOOMBAH! (Cut to James and Steve physically)
TLOTA:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ANIMATION?! DID YOU NUMBNUTTED NIMRODS TELL THE ANIMATORS TO MAKE IT LOOK THAT BAD?
Steve:
It doesn’t look that bad. (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
I have no idea what you’re talking about. (Cut to the movie as James and Steve do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
To the very insignificant amount of credit to the animators for keeping this movie as two dimensional as possible. Under the right circumstances old school animation is better than 3D animation but most of the time in this movie it doesn't even look like you were trying. So a third of the time the animation in this movie is amazing, the other two thirds are either lazy or SOUL SUCKING SCARY! But again, I digress. Charlie stops Tom from Eating Jerry and gives the two a loaf of bread meaning his family that would’ve gotten the bread instead now must live off… (Cut to Charlie complaining about the Cabbage Soup giving the loaf of bread to his family saying he had two but gave one to friends as Steve sputters and shouts “WAIT A MINUTE!” before cutting to James physically)
Steve:
SO HE HAD TWO LOAVES OF BREAD THE WHOLE DAMNED TIME?! HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO PULL THAT ONE OFF?!  Because if my memory serves me right… (Cut to the Gene Wilder classic as Steve does a voiceover)
Steve (Voiceover):
Charlie was only able to afford one loaf of bread after getting his paycheck and the family feasted on that. There was no second loaf! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
We added it in to make sure Tom & Jerry were well taken care of and… (Cut to the movie as the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec does a voiceover.)
L.N. Exec (Voiceover):
It allows Tom & Jerry to do something nice for Charlie as they decide to repay his kindness by taking a box of Wonka’s Chocolate bars that was recently delivered to The Candy shop only for Charlie to tell the two to return the box to the store. Making Charlie a more innocent and wholesome character. (Cut to the Gene Wilder classic and the “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory” Tim Burton movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah but that’s the thing in the original Charlie was a good kid but he was also something that your version lacks. It’s called being human! Yeah, he was a bit of an annoyance with his occasional bout of him doubting if he was going to get that golden ticket but that is what Peter Ostrum brought to the character. He was altruistic but that wasn’t what defined Charlie. What defined Charlie was that he knew the odds were against him but he persevered and eventually he knew what the right thing to do was and was rewarded by becoming Wonka’s heir to the throne! Even Tim Burton’s version had that going for it but they also made Charlie so innocent and morally upright that even Wonka’s teeth would’ve rotted out of his head! So, the idea of doing what you did in your version made less sense than the Tim Burton version.  (Cut to Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory as James and Steve do voiceovers)
Steve (Voiceover):
The next morning as Charlie is in school, the announcement of Wonka’s Golden Tickets is told and as everyone runs out of School Charlie has somewhat of an overconfident smile or a look that says “I’m Gonna get away with something really, really wrong.”
TLOTA (Voiceover):
 Tom & Jerry try again to take the Crate of Wonka Bars but again Charlie puts the Kibosh on that leading to one of the few good moments in this waste of Animation. (Show clip of Tom & Jerry banging their heads on the wall before cutting to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
Why is that moment good? It’s just Tom & Jerry banging their heads on the wall. (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
Because it is how I and everyone who heard about this thing felt and after watching did that just to make themselves smarter and this what everyone who works on Tom and Jerry feel they have to do because soulless execs and Charts say that is what they must do because this is the latest movie just to shoehorn the two into classic movies. (Cut to clips of “Tom & Jerry: Wizard Of Oz”, “Tom & Jerry: Sherlock Holmes”, “Tom & Jerry: Robin Hood” & “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I know my associate said this earlier, but it bears repeating I loved the classics but seeing Tom & Jerry Shoehorned into Wizard Of Oz, Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes and now this movie doesn’t enhance it. Tom and Jerry distract from the actual movie that we should be watching. That’s not a good thing. If I want to watch The Wizard Of Oz with my nieces. I DON’T want to see Tom & Jerry being the reason the water bucket nearly didn’t make it to Dorothy. I want to see Basil Rathbone’s portrayal of Sherlock Holmes solve the crime. NOT Tom & Jerry slip the clue that Moriarty did it to Sherlock Holmes. I want to see the Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood save the day. NOT see Tom and Jerry do something to distract Robin from his mission! And guess what, if I want to see the Gene Wilder classic version “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” Guess what, I don’t want to see. TOM & JERRY! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
L.N. Exec:
We’re not saying you can’t watch the classics, this is our way of helping kids get into the classics. (Cut to James and Steve.)
TLOTA:
Well here’s a wild idea, why not have the parents or grandparents, aunts, uncles and other associated family members of Kids show the classics to the kids. That way they can get into the classics and not have Tom and Jerry be a part of the proceedings! I watched so many classic movies through my parents and my grandparents showing them to me! That is how it’s supposed to be done!
Steve Kidd:
I agree with you on that dude.
(Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions.)
Chart liking Exec No.1 (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Well our charts say… (Cut to James.)
TLOTA:
Well my Charts say it’s time to play a game of “Ring The Bell” (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec and her army of same suited minions as the minions say to each other “Ring The Bell? How does one play Ring The Bell?” & “I don’t know” before James lassoes The Lindsay Nagel Exec’s minions and Steve drops a gigantic trash can over them as James and Steve hits the trash can while James sings.)
TLOTA (Singing):
TIME TO RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLLLL! RING THE BELL! THE BELL! RING THE BELL! TIME TO RING THE BELLLLLLLLLLLLL! RING THE BELL! THE BELL! RING THE BELL! THE BELL! (James raises the trash can and sees the minions rattling around before dropping like flies then cut to the movie as James and Steve do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as in the original, the other tickets are found in succession by Augustus, Veruca, Violette and Mike soon it is heard that Alberto Minoleta found the final ticket as done by a humorous cameo by who else (Show cameo by Droopy as he says “I’ve never been happier! Ole!”  before returning to the movie as James and Steve do voiceovers)
Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
WHY IN THE HELL IS DROOPY IN THIS? HE WASN’T HANNA-BARBERA’S PROPERTY! HE WAS FREAKING DONE BY TEX AVERY!
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’ll field this one. MGM owned the rights to the properties of Tom and Jerry and every other character in MGM and Hanna-Barbera’s library were bought out by Ted Turner who also has a stake in Warner Brothers which allows them the right to use the Hanna-Barbera and MGM Character Library as they see fit. But I digress, Tom & Jerry earn some cash through recycling and it ends in the drain next to where Charlie finds the money to buy the Wonka bar from the box Tom & Jerry just as Droopy’s Alberto Minoleta is arrested for fraud for the fifth ticket. (Show Droopy being cuffed and arrested as Droopy’s Alberto Minoleta says “Aye Carumba!” and Charlie discovers the fifth ticket and is stopped by Slugworth who after giving Charlie the speech about getting the Everlasting Gobstopper then from out of nowhere sings Veruca Salt’s song before James sputters and shouts “WAIT A MINUTE!” before cutting to James and Steve physically as he sputters and foams at the mouth and twitch)
TLOTA:
WHY DID YOU HAVE SLUGWORTH SING “I WANT IT NOW!”? IT MAKES NO SENSE! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec.)
L.N. Exec:
Well it shows how greedy Slugworth is and the type of evil he must face. (Cut to the movie as the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec does a voiceover.)
L.N. Exec (Voiceover):
As a matter of fact, the reason he’s drawn like that and sings “I want it now!” because Slugworth is so greedy he makes Veruca Salt look tame in comparison and the animation whist he sings it is trippy is to show how demented the mindset of the villain can be.
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While you make a decent point and when I say decent I mean barely decent by even the dumbest human’s standards there are two arguments I must make towards your statement. One, having Slugworth sing the song here actually makes Veruca singing it pointless later. Secondly and this one is the more important one, ITS DISCOVERED LATER THAT THE GUY WHO EVERYONE THINKS IS SLUGWORTH ISN’T SLUGWORTH! Who Slugworth is in this and the classic movie is an employee of Wonka to aid in Wonka's test. He wasn't the villain or a spy. It was part of the ruse made by Wonka.  (Cut to James and Steve physically)
TLOTA:
Even Steve here can agree that this makes no sense! Am I right? (Steve sputters and foams at the mouth and falls) And now I need to break out the extra strength “Liquid I.Q.”
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and cutting to the movie as James and Steve do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
 Tom & Jerry flushes the characters down the drain symbolism at its most apropos in this movie. Charlie rushes home and shows everyone the fifth Golden ticket, asks Grandpa Joe to come with him to the Chocolate Factory. Then comes the big day when Willy Wonka comes to take the kids into the factory and Grandpa Joe accidentally leaves the ticket only for Tom & Jerry through the power of lame humor to get the Ticket back just in the nick of time.
Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
 After the kids head into the factory, Tom and Jerry discover the Delivery guy played by Spike and “Slugworth” talking about their “Nefarious Plot”. Tom and Jerry sneak in the backdoor following Spike & “Slugworth” only to stumble across the OOMPA-LOOMPA intern Tuffy and by all that is good does Tuffy make me want to find a 12-gauge shotgun and shoot every mouse off the face the earth with deer slugs.
(Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec.)
L.N. Exec:
But our test audiences found Tuffy “Iwwesitable” (Cut to James and Steve.)
TLOTA & Steve (In Unison):
Well we find Tuffy “Weepulsive” & “Weepugnant” (Cut to classic Tom & Jerry shorts where Nibbles (AKA “Tuffy”) are a part of the proceedings as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
But that wasn’t always the case. Yeah Tuffy or Nibbles as he was known before someone decided to rebrand the character may have been a third wheel but at the very least he added a little more something entertaining to the events of the shorts he was in. He wasn’t there simply to be the cute voice and tell Tom and Jerry what to do and where to go. (Cut to Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory as James and Steve do voiceovers)
Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
The three make it to the Chocolate room only for Tom and Jerry distract from the “Pure Imagination” song. Ironic seeing as how the movie lacks pure imagination. They stop "Slugworth" and Spike after Augustus is sucked up into the Fudge Room and miss the boat but fortunately Tuffy keeps a spare Wonka-Tania as we see Tom & Jerry go into “The Tunnel from Hell” making that moment the second to last good moment in this movie outside of this movie ending. (Show Tuffy act possessed as he recites “Wonka’s Tunnel Song and Speech” as Tom and Jerry look as if they’re about to soil themselves before cutting to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec.)
L.N. Exec:
Why is that the second to last good moment in the movie? Was it you found Tuffy so cute and precious? (Cut to James as he and Steve chimes the word “Wrong” like a clock and then chimes “You’re Wrong! You’re Wrong! You’re Wrong! You’re Wroooong!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Because this was the second to last legitimately somewhat interesting moment because we had already seen the moment from the eyes of the people involved in the trip already. So, seeing what happens from the perspective of those outside the movie looking in as if they were a part of the proceedings of the movie is an interesting idea. (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec.)
L.N. Exec (Singing):
What can I say except “You’re Welcome”! (Cut to James and Steve.)
Steve Kidd:
No, you had no hand in that!  The fact you think you deserve any sort of credit for the Tunnel scene and how it turned out is ludicrous!  (Cut to the movie as James and Steve do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As everyone makes it into the invention room the usual happens and SERIOUSLY?! This is ANIMATION and you can’t make Violette’s face turn darker as she becomes a blueberry?!
Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
But as that happens we get more of Tom & Jerry trying to be in the movie as they’re chased by “Slugworth” & Spike after they roll Violette down to the juicing room. Then of course the fizzy lifting drink room and even the goose scene as Tom, Jerry & Tuffy try to outrun the followers of Mola Ram and Kali Ma. Whoops I meant to say outrun “Slugworth” & Spike as Veruca and “Slugworth” make “I Want it now” a duet! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec.)
L.N. Exec:
Well it goes to show how greedy both are in their own unique ways. (Cut to James trying to hold back Steve who has the look of beating the hell INTO the Lindsay Nagel-Esque exec.)
TLOTA:
No, it shows how you’re destroying the classic movie and how you are working my last good nerve. Why I haven’t thrown you out I have no clue but maybe I should take a cue from the movie. (Cut to Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory as James and Steve do voiceovers)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Especially when we see Tuffy, Tom, Jerry, Veruca and her dad wind up in the furnace as it gets ready to ignite!
Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
I can think of something this moment is missing…. (Cut to James and Steve dressed in Janitorial gear at the furnace controls as dissonant voices of the Lindsay Nagel-Esque exec, her same suited minions, and every character from “Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka And The Chocolate factory” are trapped inside before James looks at his watch and signals Steve to flip the switch to ignite the furnace causing blood curdling screams as he hears them all scream in pain as they die. All while James and Steve walk away as the painful screams start to die down before cutting to Tom & Jerry: Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory as James and Steve do voiceovers)
Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
While everyone in the furnace survives, the rest of them make it to Wonka’s shrinking device, Mike meets his fate and we get close to the ending everyone knows and expects that is until Tuffy, Tom & Jerry tell Charlie and Grandpa Joe about Slugworth and after some less then funny slap schtick. it looks like we finally get the ending where of course Wonka blows his stack at Charlie, Grandpa Joe, Tom, Jerry and Tuffy.
TLOTA (Voiceover)
Of course Wonka tells us that they lose after showing the photostatic copy of the contract we DIDN’T  see get signed but even then Charlie decides to return the Gobstopper even though he had earned that and the Factory no questions asked but soon enough we get the ending everyone knows except for the fact Tuffy is with Wonka, Charlie and Grandpa Joe and Tom & Jerry Shrink “Slugworth” and Spike with Wonka’s shrinking device and take two Fizzy lifting drinks to fly alongside the Wonka-Vator and of course the movie comes to the best part “The End”! (Cut to the Lindsay Nagel-esque exec.)
L.N. Exec:
Thus, making it THE most enjoyed movie by everyone. No one can say a bad word about it. (Cut to James and Steve as Steve gets up, adjusts himself and prepares to unleash every ounce of anger onto the Lindsay Nagel-Esque Exec as he shouts “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.” as fire and skulls are around Steve Kidd and James just sits there and The Lindsay Nagel-Esque exec looks like she’s about to soil herself before cutting the fire and skulls out around Steve)
Steve Kidd:
THIS MOVIE IS TRASH! (Cut to clips of the movie as Steve continues his rant in a voiceover)

Steve Kidd (Voiceover):
THERE WAS NO REASON TO MAKE THIS MOVIE FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO MAKE MONEY! YOU EVICERATED EVERYTHING ABOUT TOM, JERRY AND “WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY” YOU CASH COW MILK SUCKING EVIL! YOU MANHANDLED THE WONKA CHARACTERS SO BADLY YOU CHOKED THE LIFE OUT OF THEM, TOM AND JERRY FEEL OUT OF PLACE, AND THE DROOPY AND TUFFY APPEARANCES ARE AS ANNOYING AND UNNEEDED AS IS USUAL WITH THIS TYPE OF CRAP! (Cut to Steve Kidd physically)

Steve Kidd:
AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU AND THE REST OF THE WB ANIMATION PRODUCTION PULLS THIS WITH A "TOM AND JERRY HARRY POTTER" MOVIE,I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA RAISE SO MUCH HELL THAT SATAN WILL BE THROWING A PARTY IN MY HONOR AS I FORCE EVERY STINKING LAST ONE OF YOU TALENTLESS JACKASSES TO WATCH THE REACTIONS TO THESE MOVIES FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF FREAKING TIME!!!!  (Steve sighs then sits down after that rant)
TLOTA:
Now every bad word about this travesty has been said. So the only thing I can do is to sing about how bad this movie is. (James pulls out the Dragon Dagger and plays the first Dragonzord song which activates the trap that sends her onto a treadmill over to the couch which traps her as a "Honk Honk" is heard and sent down a chute screaming for her life before cutting to Team TLOTA, Steve Kidd, The Nostalgia Kid, Huey Toonmore & The Hardcore Kid as “Augustus Gloop’s Oompa Loompa song” from “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” sound alike plays in the foreground.)
Everyone singing in Chorused harmony:
Oompa-Loompa Doom-petty ducks, it is to safe say this movie sucks! Oompa-Loompa Doom-petty crux. (Cut to clips of the movie as it’s shrunk to the center of the screen as everyone continues to sing.)
Everyone singing in Chorused harmony (Audio only):
Avoid this movie and save your bucks.
Steve Kidd, Huey Toonmore & The Hardcore Kid (Top Right corner as both sing):
What do you do to a movie that’s good?
The Nostalgia Kid (Center top as he sings):
Toss Tom & Jerry in and turn it to poo!
Rebecca, Nick, Paulo, Brenda & Olivia (Center right as they sing):
Where are you at getting everyone mad? (The footage of Tom and Jerry is still centered as everyone is circled around the footage)
Everyone singing in Chorused harmony:
Did you not think you'd see a Jihad?! (The footage is replaced for James in the center)
TLOTA (Singing):
It would not surprise me! (The footage of Tom and Jerry is still centered as everyone is circled around the footage)
Everyone singing in Chorused harmony:
Oompa-Loompa Doom-petty dar! If you don't watch this, you will go far.  Avoid this movie if you can just like… (The footage is replaced for James in the center)
TLOTA (Singing):
James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans! (James walks back to his office stops turns to the door) And that’s my opinion! (James closes the door before cutting to black)

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

The Rocky Horror Review Show


(A black screen with a pair of Red Lips slowly zooms towards the center of the screen as “Science Fiction Double Feature” sound alike plays in the foreground)

Red Lips (Singing): 
Doctor Who had his fill the Day the Earth stood still and he nearly wiped out all the Daleks. Then came The Millennium Falcon like a bat out of hell and took out the base for the Starkiller! Then something went screwy as Iron Man went kerblooey and Captain America became Enemy number one! And at an incredible pace went the whole human race in a Sharknado but they had some fun! 
(The Lips freeze but the song continues as does the singing from the lips in a still frame as the words “The Last Of The Americans in…” “The Rocky Horror Picture Review Show!” “Starring James Faraci as The Last Of The Americans” “Taylor Huff as Taylor” “Marcella Di Pasquale as Marcella” “Rebecca Yaun as Dr. Vienerschnitzel” “Chris Lee Moore as Rick Roll”, “Eric Kurtzke as Prof. Schott” “Brenda Fonseca as Paramount” “Paulo Fonseca as Johnny” “Maria Feist as Tangerine”, “Nick Yaun as Rocky Horror” “with John Ross Santos as The Forensic Scientist” are all done in melted Red Lipstick)
Science Fiction! Double Feature! Dr. Frankenstein and his creature! See Robots fighting our heroes and Francis Coleman will film the whole show Whoa! Oh, oh, Whoaaah! Welcome to the late night double feature picture show! (The Lips unfreeze and the credits stop)

I knew David E. Kelley had laughs from his belly when he saw Wonder Woman’s movie succeed! But then came Marty and Doc and they gave it a shot to try and save Reality! Captain Kirk and his crew knew they were through when The Enterprise was sent to its grave! But when Godzilla arose well everyone knows no one is safe from a…

(The Lips freeze but the song continues as does the singing from the lips in a still frame as the words “Written by James Faraci”, “Makeup by Olivia Horvath” “Costumes by Renee Miller, Ed Champion, Andrew Beach and Michael Santos” “Produced by Julia Alexa Miller, Ryan Brennan, James Faraci, Harold Apter, Alexandria Baltazar” and “Directed by Julia Alexa Miller” are all done in melted Red Lipstick)
Science Fiction! Double Feature! Dr. Frankenstein and his creature! See Robots fighting our heroes and Francis Coleman will film the whole show Whoa! Oh, oh, Whoaaah! Welcome to the late night double feature picture show! Come on let’s go! Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoa oh! To the Late-Night Double Feature Picture Show! In Hi-Def Stereo! Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoa oh! To the Late-Night Double Feature Picture Show! With Randy O! Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoa oh! To the Late-Night Double Feature Picture Show! In the front row! 

(The Lips unfreeze and sing Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoa oh! To the Late-Night Double Feature Picture Show! Before fading to Taylor Huff and Marcella Di Pasquale from “Life As A Mermaid” and James as the three are driving down the road in James’ mom’s van and the three sing the word “Show” before the Radio announces to everyone in the van James’ Haunted House and Halloween Adult Party as James shuts the radio off.)

Taylor: 
We really want to thank you for bringing us to the Con and sacrificing your usual plans for Halloween.

TLOTA:
Well, I’m a man of my word and I promised Alex to get you and Marcella to the Con and I plan on getting you there.

Marcella:
It means a lot to us and if you ever need anything, let us know.

TLOTA:
Well, just keep making great episodes of “Life As A Mermaid” and we’re square.

(Cut to 20 minutes later as The Van is hauled away after breaking down at the far end of the Neversink Reservoir Dam and James, Marcella and Taylor are left on the side of the road.)

Taylor:
Well James have we thanked you for picking us up in a lemon?

TLOTA: 
It’s not my fault, any way where is your luggage? (Taylor and Marcella look at each other and realize “Oops! We Left them in the Van” as they try to run after the Tow Truck!) Guys! Forget it, I told them what Hotel we’re going to be staying at when they get it fixed and don’t bother trying to use your smartphones this is a dead zone for cellular calls and there’s no Uber or Lyft or rideshare or anything like that around here. (Taylor and Marcella catch up with James.)

Marcella: 
So now what?

TLOTA:
We hoof it until we get to Neversink, then I can call the Garage tell them where we’re staying until the Van is fixed and they can drop it off there also the less time complaining and more time walking will do us some good.  (The three walks down the road before fading to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist: 
As the three make their way down the road our heroes will discover the events of one night going into someone else’s fantasy. (Cut to later that night as the rain pours down like cats and dogs while James, Taylor and Marcella make their way to a gigantic house.)

Taylor: 
James, there’s more room under the Umbrella for you to join me and Marcella.

TLOTA: 
I’m alright for now. We’re coming up to the place the old guy from the Gas Station said it’d be better for us to stay until the van is fixed! (Cut to the gigantic house as lightning strikes and thunder booms before cutting to James, Taylor and Marcella as they make their way to the gigantic house and as a sound alike of “There’s a Light Over at the Frankenstein place” plays in the foreground)

Taylor (Singing):
 In the veil of darkness of the blackest night!

Marcella (Singing):
 Burning Bright there is a guiding li-ii-iight!

TLOTA (Singing): 
Making us feel safe this ni-ii-iight!

TLOTA, Marcella & Taylor (Singing in harmony):
 There’s a light (Chorus sings “Over at Der Vienerschnitzel’s”)

TLOTA, Marcella & Taylor (Singing in harmony): 
There’s a lii-iiiight (Chorus sings “Burning from the depths of Hell!”)

TLOTA, Marcella & Taylor (Singing in harmony): 
There’s a li-liiight in the darkest of the entire night! (Cut to the gigantic house.)

The voice of someone from the house (As sung by Chris Lee Moore):
 The darkness it flows li-ike a river on night’s streaming as Orpheus flows as the sun breaks the darkness of the sky-yy-yyy!  of the Sky-yy-yy-yy! (Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella as they make their way to the gigantic house)

TLOTA, Marcella & Taylor (Singing in harmony): 
There’s a light (Chorus sings “Over at Der Vienerschnitzel’s”)

TLOTA, Marcella & Taylor (Singing in harmony): 
There’s a light (Chorus sings “Burning from the depths of Hell!”)

TLOTA, Marcella, Taylor and the Chorus (Singing in harmony): 
There’s a li-liiight in the darkest of the entire night!
(Cut to the gigantic house as James, Marcella and Taylor make it to the front porch.)
TLOTA:
 You know this seems all too familiar. Like something I see around this time. (James snaps his fingers) Rocky Horror Picture Show! (Cut to Marcella and Taylor look at each other in shock.)

Taylor and Marcella (In Unionized shock): 
You’ve seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
 Hasn’t everybody? (Cut to audio sound alike to “Time Warp” plays in the background and James does a voiceover on stills from the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 Created by Richard O’Brien this campy tongue in cheek tale about a couple who just got engaged and finds themselves in something out of a B-Grade Sci-fi movie of the Golden Age of Cinema this story also deals with the dangers of personal experimentation gone wrong. I think it’s partly due to Richard O’Brien having suffered throughout most of his life with Gender identity problems but also loved and used the tropes of the Sci-Fi and Fantasy movies of his childhood to help him through the problems. Another thing he used was music and let me say that the music in this Rock Opera is still far catchier today than any regurgitation of a musical today. The fact he used Rock and Roll to also help him discover himself and come up with the basis of what is as good a movie as is a cult classic that people still go to at midnight screenings. (Cut to the gigantic house as James, Marcella and Taylor stand on the front porch.)

TLOTA: 
Though how it became a Midnight Movie Cult Classic is quite interesting as well. (Taylor, Marcella and James jump back as the door opens and Rick Roll greets them.)

Rick Roll: 
Good evening, please walk this way and follow me! (Rick Roll walks away before it cuts to James as Taylor and Marcella prepare to walk the same way Rick Roll did)

TLOTA: 
Do it and you can stay here and forget the Con altogether! (The three walks into the main parlor of the house as they meet up with Rick Roll and Tangerine.)

Rick Roll: 
My name is Rick Roll and this is my sister…Tangerine! (Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella looking as to say to themselves “Right” before cutting to Tangerine and Rick Roll)

Tangerine: 
Our master Dr. Vienerschnitzel wasn’t expecting company tonight.

TLOTA: 
Well we just need to call the garage to let them know where we are and we’ll stay in this area. (Dull music is heard in the background.)

Marcella: 
Are we interrupting something?

Rick Roll: 
Nothing you can not be a part of.

Taylor: 
So, you’re saying we can observe if we want?

Rick Roll: 
Indeed, I am!
(“Time Warp” sound alike plays in the foreground and the same actions from the 1975 movie are done by the characters)

Rick Roll (Sing speak):
 It’s amazing! Time has no meaning! Sanity has no soul! But listen over yonder!

Tangerine (Sing speak): 
And do not wander!

Rick Roll (Sing speak): 
For we must keep control!

Rick Roll (Singing): 
I REMEMBER! DOING NOSTALGIA! THINKING OF THE MOMENTS WHEN! THE BLACKNESS WAS SCREAMING!

Rick Roll & Tangerine (Singing in harmony):
 AND THE VOICES WERE SINGING! (Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella being pushed into a room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN!  (Cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist:
 It’s just two steps forward! (Cut to the room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony):
 AND THEN A TEN STEPS ABA-AAA-AACK! (Cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist: 
Place your hands on your knees! (Cut to the room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
THEN GIVE THEM A CLAA-AAP!  AND IF YOU SHAKE YOUR BUU-UUT THAT’S A SIGN THAT MAKES YOU CRAAAA-AZY! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN!

Tangerine (Sing speak): 
It’s so freeing! All over I’m feeling oh so incredible! In another reality, as far as my eyes can see and none of it is so dull!

Rick Roll (Sing speak): 
With a really good mind frack!

Tangerine (Sing speak): 
Your senses will be out of whack!

Rick Roll (Sing speak):
 And reality will be destroyed!

Tangerine (Sing speak): 
It’s a celebration

Rick Roll (Singing):  
ACROSS EVERY NATION!

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! (Cut to Rick Roll and Tangerine as they boogie on over to Paramount)

Paramount (Singing): 
Well I was dancing down the road and I was having thang with tall dark man who could really schwing! He rocked me till the dawn, he rolled me into the night. He had a pick-up truck and was a crazy tight! I looked at him and without a thought he brought me to his world and everything else he sought.

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN!  (Cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist: 
It’s just two steps forward! (Cut to the room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony):
 AND THEN A TEN STEPS ABA-AAA-AACK! (Cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist: 
Place your hands on your knees! (Cut to the room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
THEN GIVE THEM A CLAA-AAP!! AND IF YOU SHAKE YOUR BUU-UUT THAT’S A SIGN THAT MAKES YOU CRAAAA-AZY! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! (Paramount taps dances before cutting to James bopping his head as Taylor and Marcella smack him before cutting to Paramount as her tap dancing shoes slips on the floor and lands on James as Taylor and Marcella move out of the way and James pushes Paramount out of the way)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony):
 LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN!  (Cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist:
 It’s just two steps forward! (Cut to the room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
AND THEN A TEN STEPS ABA-AAA-AACK! (Cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist: 
Place your hands on your knees! (Cut to the room full of celebrators)

Celebrators (In Choired Harmony): 
THEN GIVE THEM A CLAA-AAP!!  AND IF YOU SHAKE YOUR BUU-UUT THAT’S A SIGN THAT MAKES YOU CRAAAA-AZY! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! LET’S DO THE NOSTALGIA AGAIN! (The music slows as everyone save for James, Taylor and Marcella collapse in exhaustion before cutting to James, Taylor and Marcella.)

TLOTA:
 So…. none of you have done the Macarena in a long time! (The build up to Sweet Transvestite plays in the foreground as Taylor and Marcella start to walk away and James follows) Come on guys! Once we make the call we’ll be here for the night and not be in the way.

Taylor:
 Look James we’re getting creeped out by being here and it’s not getting any less weird with you trying to add levity to the situation we’re in.

TLOTA:
 I understand but we’re the Doctor’s guests and the best thing to do is to ride things out with a smile on our faces and then never mention this night again.

Marcella: 
Look We’re wet, tired, cold and we can’t handle any more shocking surprises for a while! (The Doors open as “Sweet Transvestite” sound alike plays in the foreground and Dr. Vienerschnitzel wrapped in a cape comes busting in shocking Taylor and Marcella the two of them landing on James.)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Sing Speak): 
How’d you do I… See you’ve met my… faithful servicemen! They’re just a little upset because he thought… you were the delivery from Amazan!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
 Don’t get strung out, on just how I LOOK don’t judge this book by its cover! I may look normal oh every day! But by night I’m a hell of another! I’m just a sweet fanvestite from fansational fanlove. Cooooom!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Sing Speak): 
Now let me give you the tour. You three look like you are sure. You know how to be real funny! But if you need something more unusual maybe something visual we can take in an old Universal Monster Movie.

TLOTA (Sing Speak):
 Well I’m glad we can talk right now. Don’t need you having a cow but we hit a problem. You see our ride broke down and we’re stuck in town. Just let us borrow your phone, make our calls and everything will be awesome!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing): 
Well you three are straight up trapped well how about that! Just you three do not panic! For you see I’ve got on speed dial the most sadistic satanic mechanic! I’m just a sweet fanvestite from fansational fanlove. Cooooom!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Sing Speak): 
Now you three can stay the night. (Paramount, Tangerine and Rick Roll whisper night) You can grab a bite. (Paramount, Tangerine and Rick Roll whisper bite) Maybe show you my latest creation! For you see I’m making the ultimate fan. Long Legs, Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes and a Tan! It’s oh so good in every Convention. I’m just a sweet fanvestite from fansational fanlove. Cooooom!  (Laughs to the beat of the music)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
 I’m just a sweet fanvestite from fansational fanlove. Cooooom!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Sing Speak): 
So, come to my lab (Cut to Taylor and Marcella as the two look at each other before cutting to Dr. Vienerschnitzel) And see what’s on my slab (Cut to James as he looks frustrated before cutting to Dr. Vienerschnitzel) I see you shiver with antici…(Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella as Taylor and Marcella look in wonder for five seconds in silence and James in frustration lasting four of the five seconds )

TLOTA: 
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS, GET ON WITH IT!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Sing Speak): 
Pation! (Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella)

TLOTA: 
THANKS! (Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel inside an elevator)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing): 
But Maaa-a-aaybe the niii-ght! (Cut to the outside of the elevator)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Sing Speak):  
should be the least of your frights. I’ll handle the fears, but not the sensation! (The elevator goes up as the song ends before cutting to James, Taylor and Marcella as they look up the shaft)

TLOTA:
 Am I the only one who is now scared if they’ll survive the night? (Taylor and Marcella raise their hands and James turns to see them.) Okay good to know I’m not the only one!

(Taylor and Marcella look at James with surprised disgust before cutting to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and commercial return as the scene cuts to the inside of the shared room of James, Marcella & Taylor as Taylor and Marcella are undressed off screen and James is in the bathroom off screen as well)

Taylor (Off Screen): 
Come on James, a grown man in his underwear seeing a woman in her underwear is perfectly natural.

TLOTA (Off Screen): 
When they’re married or in a couple. I’m single and I have three reasons why I feel even more uncomfortable with these accommodations. Their names are Madison, Mallory & Vivian Lee!

Marcella (Off Screen): 
Ooh who are they?

TLOTA (Off Screen): 
My nieces! Madison and Mallory are teens and Vivian is a decade Madison and Mallory’s junior! Hence me being in the bathroom is essential to my sanity and decency!

Taylor (Off Screen): 
Well why did you give them your clothes?

TLOTA (Off Screen): 
They took yours as well fortunately I have a backup plan! (Sounds of a flip phone opening and the numbers 4, 2 & 8 are heard before a flash of light is seen before everything returns to normal) Taylor! Grab my glasses! (Taylor’s arm reaches into the bathroom.)

TLOTA (Off screen and one octave higher): 
Wrong glasses! (James pulls out his glasses and Taylor gets James’ glasses.)

Taylor (Off Screen): 
Okay, Now what?

TLOTA (Off Screen): 
Tap the bridge of the glasses.

Marcella (Off Screen): 
What will that do?

TLOTA (Off Screen): 
After five seconds, it’ll emit a Holographic image of clothes on the two of you. (A tap is made and a whirring noise is heard for five seconds)

Marcella (Off Screen): 
Now what?

TLOTA (Off Screen): 
Hand me my glasses. (Marcella’s arm reaches out and smacks James in the face) Thanks Marcella. (James walks into the room)

TLOTA: 
Wait, I’ll show you the clothes I picked. (James double taps the bridge of his glasses as it emits a Sonic sound for two seconds) What do you think? (Cut to Taylor and Marcella dressed in early 1900’s dresses)

Taylor: 
Seriously? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: 
What? I think it’s dignified! (Cut to Taylor and Marcella)

Marcella: 
Fashion styles have changed and women can still look dignified. (Marcella walks over grabs James’ glasses and James closes his eyes and a whirring noise is heard as Marcella’s hand gives James his glasses back as it cuts to Marcella and Taylor dressed as normal women dress this day)

Taylor & Marcella (In Unison):
 Better? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: 
Better choices than I had. (James walks over to Taylor and Marcella.)

Taylor: 
So, when did you update your glasses and I thought you had given Rick Roll your clothes?

TLOTA:
 I got them updated back in early July just in time for my clipless “Wonder Woman” review. People didn’t notice until August! And as for these, this is my usual garb when I become The Last Of The Americans. What I was wearing was a costume of “The Last Of The Americans” because I was foolishly thought things were going to be easy for me to get you to the Con and I could get back in time for me to enjoy my Halloween Adult Swim Party after taking down my family friendly Haunted House.

Marcella: 
Again, we’re sorry about that

Taylor: 
But we are grateful for the ride that could get ready for the Con on Thursday.

TLOTA:
 So why did you need me to get the two of you to the Hotel tonight?

Taylor: 
Get a feel for the Hotel, help set up the booth for the Con the next day, meet some of the locals. The usual stuff one does when they’re from out of town and want to soak in the local culture. (The door creeks open as Tangerine comes in)

Tangerine: 
My apologies for interrupting you but Dr. Vienerschnitzel demands your presence in his laboratory to see his creation come to life! (Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella)

Marcella: 
Tell him we’re on our way. (Cut to Tangerine at the doorway)

Tangerine:
 Absolutely and may I say you two ladies look rather delectable maybe with some Fava Beans and a nice Chianti! (Tangerine walks away creeping out James, Taylor and Marcella as James, Taylor and Marcella follow Tangerine to the Elevator.)

Taylor: 
Okay what was that all about?

TLOTA: 
Well, apart from myself and the two of you, everyone is seeing the two of you in your underwear!

 (Taylor and Marcella clench their fists before cutting to Dr. Vienerschnitzel’s laboratory as the Elevator dings and Taylor and Marcella walk out angrily and James is on the backside of the elevator with two black eyes and seeing a circle of animated tweeting birds around his head before cutting to Dr. Vienerschnitzel as The Doctor prepares to bring life)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel: 
Ah our guests have arrived! Behold my creation! All it needs now is my special chemical composition and a concentrated amounts of lightning bolts then VOILA! My creation shall have LIFE! (A Strange device comes down) Rick Roll if you would please! (Rick Roll starts to open the valves to the composition) NOW THE ROOF! OPEN IT! (Rick Roll opens the roof as Lightning strikes and the body inside the tank convulses) OH ROCKY! (The body inside begins to move only as another body pops out of the tank which happens to be Rocky Balboa this time played by Nick Slimmer.)

Rocky Balboa: 
Hey yo, Thanks for the boost Doc! Just what I needed to get me through Creed II! Later! (Cut to James, Taylor and Marcella)

TLOTA: 
Was that really your creation? (Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel: 
No, you fool! Behold THE REAL ROCKY! (Cut to the Creature as the face and Body is revealed and it escapes the tub and “Sword of Damocles” sound alike plays in the background)

Rocky (Singing): 
The Sword of Caliverti is a hanging over the land and I fear the man who holds it in his hands! Oh, what is me? Oh, Life Is a Mystery! Oh, I can see that I’m at the hands of a really big follower! I woke up this morning with a hangover as big as Canada! (Celebrators sing in choired harmony “That Ain’t A Crime!”) Of course, I also was in Attica! (Celebrators sing in choired harmony “That Ain’t A Crime!”) Oh, what is me? Oh, Life Is a Mystery! Oh, I can see that I’m at the hands of a really big follower! (Celebrators sing in choired harmony “Sha-Na-Na That Ain’t A Crime! Sha-Na-Na That Ain’t A Crime! YEAH!”) The Sword of Caliverti is a hanging over the land! (Celebrators sing in choired harmony “Sha-Na-Na That Ain’t A Crime!!”) And I fear the man who holds it in their hands! (Celebrators sing in choired harmony “Sha-Na-Na That Ain’t A Crime!!”) Oh, what is me? Oh, Life Is a Mystery! Oh, I can see that I’m at the hands of a really big follower! (Celebrators sing in choired harmony “Sha-Na-Na That Ain’t A Crime! Sha-Na-Na That Ain’t A Crime! YEAH! Cha-Cha-Cha!” before Dr. Vienerschnitzel slaps Rocky)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel: 
Oh Rocky! Oh, My Rocky! Follow me and I will show you what it means to be a fan! (Cut to Taylor, Marcella and James as instrumental of “I can make you a man” plays in the background)

Taylor: 
Okay, James I’m gonna ask once and then I’m smacking you stupid. Did you dance while Rocky sang?

TLOTA: 
I couldn’t help it was very catchy, like the soundtrack to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

(Cut to stills from “Rocky Horror Picture Show” as James does a voiceover on stills from the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
I dare people not to get up and hit the dance floor when the soundtrack gets going. I’ve heard from one of my friends that their school always performed “Time Warp” around Halloween and I’ve been to a Halloween parties where the songs from Frank-N-Furter’s floor show was played and things got freaky! Plus, I can’t even count how many musical numbers from high schools who decide to perform the stage version of the musical there are on YouTube. As a matter of fact, one of the better renditions of the Musical and the movie was the “GLEE” episode “Rocky Horror GLEE Show” and although Fox tried to do a “Live TV Musical Version” of the movie and it tried to recreate the experience of seeing the movie and experiencing the music on TV and it tanked because you have to go to the live experience to actually get it. (An engine revs up as it cuts back to Dr. Vienerschnitzel’s Lab as the freezer’s door opens and a man in black on a motorcycle zooms out and everyone steps back!)

Paramount: 
JOHNNY! (Cut to Johnny looking like Tommy Wiseau’s Johnny from “The Room”)

Johnny: 
Hai Babe, I got this for You-ooo! (Cut to Taylor,Marcella and James as he pulls out the Double-Barreled Handgun)

TLOTA: 
OH NO YOU DON’T! OH NO YOU DON’T! COME HERE YOU SON OF A…! (James runs out of frame as Gunshots are heard as Taylor and Marcella look on in fear and shock)

TLOTA (Audio only): 
DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN! COME HERE I JUST WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND! (A Yipe and a thud is heard as James walks back cleaning blood off the gun)

TLOTA: 
What? (Dr. Vienerschnitzel saunters in)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel: 
Well, I understand where you’re coming from. It was a mercy killing. But did you have to do it with such violence?

TLOTA: 
I have enough Cult Classics to deal with in this thing. (Cut to stills of “The Room” and “Rocky Horror Picture Show” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): 
The reason “Rocky Horror Picture Show” became a midnight cult classic was because of Kismet because when it was released somewhat nationwide it BOMBED! Critics thrashed it, mainstream audiences hated it. However, one theater in New York decided to show the movie at midnight and slowly but surely the audience grew and grew. When the news of this reached 20th Century Fox, a young upstart exec thought this was a smarter way than trying to make the mainstream understand it. So, when it found its audience, that was when people embraced the movie. The reason “The Room” succeeded in becoming a cult classic is because the movie is ungodly WEIRD! How could something that incoherently insane be considered a movie? And the fact people wanted to see how bad it was made it a cult classic because of dumb luck! There’s a difference between kismet and dumb luck. Kismet is fate mixed with destiny and luck. Dumb luck is just that, Luck that wasn’t smart enough to know how lucky it is! (Cut to Taylor, Marcella and James in the lab with Dr. Vienerschnitzel.)

TLOTA: 
It’d be as much dumb luck as say an old Professor friend of mine finding his way here! (A Zooming blur nearly knocks over Taylor, Marcella, James and Dr. Vienerschnitzel as a crashing noise is heard two seconds later.) HOLY SCHOTT! (Cut to the wall as a man in a wheelchair is stuck head first before Taylor, James and Marcella get him out!)

Professor Schott: 
Oh, Vielen Dank Damen und (Gasps) HERR Faraci!

TLOTA:
Wie sind Sie Professor?

Professor Schott: 
Ich war besser, ich denke, es wäre einfacher, Englisch zu sprechen!

TLOTA: 
Gute Idee Professor! (Dr. Vienerschnitzel jumps in angrily!)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel: 
I KNEW IT! YOU SENT THEM DIDN’T YOU!

Professor Schott: 
No, I did not, I am looking for my nephew Johnny! (James, Taylor & Marcella look at each other realizing what James did with a nervous smile on the three)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
Well how is it that you know this… absurdity?

Professor Schott: 
Who? James? He was a student in my science course!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
So, you admit you sent him to see then try to steal the secret formula to my success.

TLOTA:
No! I am being honest with you now. I am on my way to a Convention and I was taking my friends to it as well! That is the One Hundred Percent truth!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:

SILENCE Let the professor and his crew stay for the night but in separate rooms. (Dissolve cut to The Forensic Scientist in his Library.)

The Forensic Scientist: 
As The night went on one of our two Heroines found themselves bored and looked around the manor eventually returning to the Laboratory (Cut to Taylor in the Laboratory)

Taylor: 
Oh, hey there, Rocky, is it? (Rocky grunts yarp) Look I want to thank you for being so kind, patient and understanding unlike your creator. Trust me, I’ve been hearing it from so many (“Touch-A, Touch-A Touch Me” Sound alike plays as Taylor begins to sing)

 I’ve been feeling down and out, in a tailspin. I'd never known success before. (Cut to Paramount and Tangerine)

Paramount: 
You mean she?

Tangerine: 
Uh huh (Cut to Taylor and Rocky)

Taylor (Singing):
I thought there was no real understanding what success had for me. I thought it led to hurting those around me. But now that I know what I need to grow! I’ve got the brass ring and I ain’t letting go!

(Cut to Paramount and Tangerine)

Paramount and Tangerine: 
Go! Go! GO!

(Cut to Taylor and Rocky)
Taylor (Singing):
I’m lowering my defenses! I’m giving up the resistance! I’ve got a need to fill and you’re the only one who can fit my bill at my insistence! Rock-A, Rock-A Rock Me! Don’t stop until IIII Scream! Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me! Creature o-of delight! If-a anything goes when I suck on your nose! I’ll lick you oh so clean from you head down to your toes!

(Cut to Paramount and Tangerine)

Paramount and Tangerine:
 Toes! Toes! TOES!

(Cut to Taylor and Rocky)

Taylor (Singing):
And that’s just a good percentage of what I can do with my independence! I can tell that you are a man and I’m the one who can help you go the distance! Rock-A, Rock-A Rock Me! Don’t stop until IIII Scream! Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me! Creature o-of delight!

(Cut to Paramount and Tangerine)

Paramount: 
Rock-A, Rock-A Rock Me!

Tangerine:
Don’t stop until IIII Scream!

Paramount:
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me!

Tangerine:
Creature o-of delight!

(Cut to Taylor and Rocky)

Taylor (Singing):
Oh Rock-A, Rock-A Rock Me! Don’t stop until IIII Scream! Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me! Creature o-of delight!

 (Cut to James, Dr. Vienerschnitzel, Marcella, The Forensic Scientist, Professor Schott, Paramount, Tangerine and Rick Roll as it dissolves between one of them saying “Creature Of Delight” and the couple getting it on before cutting back to Taylor and Rocky)

Taylor (Singing):
Creature o-of deli-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

 (The echo of Taylor scream reaches the floor everyone else is on)

TLOTA: 
Say Professor, did you hear a (Mimics Taylor’s IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII)?

Professor Schott:
Why yes, I did hear a (Mimics Taylor’s IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII)!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
I too heard a (Mimics Taylor’s IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) and it sounds like it came from the Laboratory! (Everyone loads up into the elevator before cutting to the Laboratory)

Marcella:
We heard a (Mimics Taylor’s IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) coming from here would Rocky know where’d come from

(Cut to Rocky Balboa outside of Rocky’s Tank)

Rocky Balboa: 
Hey yo, I think that (Mimics Taylor’s IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) came from in the tank! (Cut to the others)

TLOTA:
What are you still doing here?

(Cut to Rocky Balboa outside of Rocky’s Tank)

Rocky Balboa: 
Well you see I’m just waitin’ for my ride! (Taylor and Rocky pop up out of the tank before cutting to James)

TLOTA:
OH MY GOD! (Cut to Marcella)

Marcella:
TAYLOR?! (Cut to Taylor)

Taylor:
MARCELLA! (Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
ROCKY! (Cut to Rocky Balboa)

Rocky Balboa:
Yo! (Cut to James)

TLOTA: 
NOT YOU!

(Cut to Marcella)

Marcella:
TAYLOR?! (Cut to Taylor)

Taylor:
MARCELLA! (Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
ROCKY! (Cut to Rocky Balboa)

Rocky Balboa:
Yo! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:

NOT YOU! (A Gong is rung before cutting to Tangerine in the elevator)

Tangerine:
I figured if you were all awake, maybe you’d like a bite to eat? (Cut to an overhead shot of the group.)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
Yes, thank you Tangerine that would be most welcomed especially with tensions now at a climax.

(Cut to everyone in the dining room as it cuts to James and Professor Schott)

Professor Schott:
So, none of you have seen Johnny.

TLOTA:
Uh not recently.

(Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
I did when he stopped off for a night. He’s still around!

(Cut to Taylor and Marcella)

Marcella:
You know I must ask…. (Marcella whispers into Taylor’s ear and Taylor whispers back and Marcella’s eyes bulge out of her head) YOWZA!

Taylor: 
And that was after James decided to check in on me!

Marcella:
Same here. (Cut to James and Professor Schott!)

TLOTA:
I didn’t check in on either of you, I thought it was you two checking in on me and Professor Schott!

Professor Schott:
You know I think it was Johnny! He would always do something that silly.

(Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
ENOUGH SUBTERFUGE! (Dr. Vienerschnitzel pulls off the tablecloth to reveal Johnny’s actual remains and everyone screams) It was I who did it all including killing Johnny! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I thought I did!

(Cut to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
Sad to say that was the REAL Tommy Wiseau. Nevertheless, I did it all, except for you James you refused me. Why? (Cut to James)

TLOTA: 
It’s called saving myself for the future Mrs. James Faraci Thank You very little! So yeah call me a virgin if you will but you know at least I still have my dignity and the honor of being a man of my word and I hope you didn’t go near Taylor (James turns his head to the right as Taylor nervously frowns in shame before James turns his head to the left) Marcella?! (Marcella nervously frowns in shame as James sighs in defeat before cutting to Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
Don’t deny it, I did the both of you and it was FUN!

(“Wise Up Janet Weiss” sound alike plays in the background as Dr. Vienerschnitzel grabs Taylor and the two try to fight in the elevator as Dr. Vienerschnitzel sings)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
I’ve said it once and it’s enough you better smarten up, Taylor Huff! Your little pie crust was OH So tough! You better smarten up Taylor Huff! (Cut to James and Marcella as they carry Professor Schott with them up to the laboratory before cutting back to Taylor and Dr. Vienerschnitzel as they reach the laboratory)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
You were so willing and OH SO FILLING!  Though You were as sensual as a pencil the two of us making, tell me as we made it did you hear the bird as you screamed or was it all faking! (Taylor kicks Dr. Vienerschnitzel in the midsection as James, Professor Schott and Marcella reach the lab at the same time Taylor and Dr. Vienerschnitzel.)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
You’ve had your time and it was enough. You better smarten up Taylor Huff! The Magnetizer will suffice for ya! (A Switch is thrown causing Taylor, James, Marcella and Professor Schott to be stuck in place)

Taylor:
My legs! They’re stuck!  Marcella, You too?

Marcella:
‘Fraid so! Professor can you move at all?

Professor Schott:
Afraid not Frauliens!

(James taps the side of his glasses and a sonic sound is emitted before he taps it again cutting the sonic sound)

TLOTA: 
Just as I thought, A Sonic magnet! Okay, you know there is Iron in our blood and Iron is a ferrous mineral. (Taylor and Marcella raise their hands in frustration)

Taylor and Marcella (In unison):
ENGLISH PLEASE!

TLOTA:
 It means it’s attracted to a magnet! Well in this case the Magnet is enhanced by a sonic frequency isolating the Iron and any other mineral attracted by a magnet in our blood, freezing us in place!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
YOU ARE! SO SMART! Quake in fear you fool! A mental mindfrack can be nice! (Marcella bites Dr. Vienerschnitzel’s hand as it touches Marcella’s face.)

Marcella:
You won’t get away with this you creep!

Professor Schott:
Yet you can try because you are not from here!

TLOTA:
Professor, you mean to tell me our host is not from this country?

Professor Schott:
Not even this planet and if he tries to escape he’ll successfully tear this planet apart.

Taylor:
So, everyone and thing on earth will be no more?

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
NO MORE! FOREVERMORE! TAYLOR!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
You better smarten up Taylor Huff! You better smarten up, build yourself up, you better smarten up! (Cut to the Forensic Scientist)

The Forensic Scientist:
And then James, Marcella and Taylor shouted. (Cut to the laboratory)

TLOTA, Marcella & Taylor (Singing in harmony):
STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! (Taylor smacks Dr. Vienerschnitzel)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
DON’T GET MAD OR HOT UNDER THE COLLAR! I’M JUST A LITTLE CLOSER!

TLOTA (Singing): 
YOU BETTER NOT GO NEAR HER OR I SWEAR YOU’VE PAID YOUR WAY TO HELL! VIENERSCHNITZEL! (Dr. Vienerschnitzel snaps his fingers and a flash frame of the word “Medusifier” is seen before James is frozen in a statue-esque filter around him!)

Professor Schott(Singing): 
YOU BETTER NOT GO NEAR HER OR I SWEAR YOU’VE PAID YOUR WAY TO HELL! VIENERSCHNITZEL! (Dr. Vienerschnitzel snaps his fingers and a flash frame of the word “Medusifier” is seen before Professor Schott is frozen in a statue-esque filter around him!)

Taylor and Marcella (Singing in Harmony): 
YOU BETTER NOT GO NEAR HER… (Dr. Vienerschnitzel snaps his fingers and a flash frame of the word “Medusifier” is seen before Taylor and Marcella are frozen in a statue-esque filter around them!)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
While I’m at it, do it to Rocky and Paramount!

Paramount:
Now wait a damned… (Dr. Vienerschnitzel snaps his fingers and a flash frame of the word “Medusifier” is seen before Rocky and Paramount are frozen in a statue-esque filter around them!)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
RICK ROLL, TANGERINE! PREPARE THEM! COME! IT IS TIME FOR THE FLOOR SHOW!

(Cut to the Forensic Scientist)

The Forensic Scientist:
After a few hours under the care of Tangerine and Rick Roll had gotten ready but little did they know what they were unleashing (Cut to the theater as the curtain opens as Dr. Vienerschnitzel come through the curtains before the curtains shows the statues made to his image.)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
Welcome as I show you my latest creation and my work. BEGIN THE MUSIC

(“Floor Show medley” sound alike plays and Paramount is de Medusified and sings and dances)

Paramount (Singing):
It was amazing when it began! You see I was a Viener fan! But it was over when he made it and then came his “Ultimate Fan”! Now my mental health is hanging off a rope! Cause I found me a brand-new dope! OH! aggrandize my world keep me away from the reality! (Paramount points to Rocky as he becomes de Medusified and sings and dances)

Rocky (Singing):
I’m only a half-day old, yet such a sight to behold! Yet no one has to be told that every one of my urges are totally controlled! Now the only thing I trust is my hands and they can’t rust! Oh ooooh oh OH! aggrandize my world keep me away from the reality! (Rocky points to James as he becomes de Medusified and sings and dances)

TLOTA (Singing):
Oooh, I can’t go farther, PLEAAASE Forgive Me Father! I’ll be loyal just you see! Take myself away from me! Where’s my spirit, Now I see, I feel human what’s happening? WOW! Here it goes again! (James points to Taylor and Marcella as they become de Medusified and sings and dances)

Taylor (Singing):
Ooooh now that we’ve been released!

Marcella (Singing):
All the bad thoughts they are decreased!

Taylor and Marcella (Singing in Harmony): 
Inhibitions they are deceased! Something new is here!

Marcella (Singing):
The band has broken!

Taylor (Singing):
Our hearts are swollen! It’s been so fun since Rocky was rollin’

Marcella (Singing):
The thrust is so severe! (The curtains open again to show the Manic-Expression.com logo with Dr. Vienerschnitzel on the top of the dot.)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel (Singing):
Whatever happened to Christy Romano, the girl who every guy loved on Kim Possible and the Shia LaBeouf show! As she endured all of Shia’s screams, I could see her dreams being flushed down the drain! Surrender to the total rapture! Dive into the waters of the feel of flesh! Exotic dreams beyond all human pleasure and personal hopes are your treasure eternally! Can you all feel it? WHOA-OA-OH! Don’t fake it! Make it!

TLOTA, Paramount, Rocky, Dr. Vienerschnitzel, Taylor and Marcella (Singing in Harmony): 
Don’t fake it! Make it!

TLOTA, Paramount, Rocky, Dr. Vienerschnitzel, Taylor and Marcella (Singing in Harmony): 
Don’t fake it! Make it!

(Professor Schott becomes de Medusified and talks to James)

Professor Schott:
James, we must find a way out!

TLOTA:
I don’t think I can make it! My brains are starting to get warped!

Professor Schott: 
You must be strong! You must hold on! Do not fall for the trap! Or your life will be sapped…

Professor Schott (Singing):
By the wro-oong GIRL! (A blaster shot breaks the musical number as James protects Taylor, Marcella and Professor Schott)

Rick Roll:
 Vienerschnitzel, it's all over! The mission is a failure! Your lifestyle's too extreme! I'm now the commander! You now are the prisoner! We return to fanlove.com! Ready the teleport beam!

Dr. Vienerschnitzel: 
Never! NEVER! YOU’LL HAVE TO KILL ME BEFORE YOU CONDEMN ME!

TLOTA (Sounding like Tim Curry):
THAT CAN BE ARRANGED! (Cut to Everyone turning to look at James)

Taylor:
James? Are you okay?

TLOTA (Sounding like Tim Curry):
Push me, please. Harder, please.

 (Cut to Everyone looking at James)

Marcella: 
 James, have you lost what little sense you had in your head?

TLOTA (Sounding like Tim Curry):
No, Communism was just a Red Herring!

(Cut to Everyone looking at James while he recites King Chicken’s backstory)

Paramount:
Hey Doc, Am I gonna be doing what he’s doing?

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
I have no clue! This is unprecedented! This is amazing!

 TLOTA (Sounding like Tim Curry):
The black spot? You dare to give me the black spot? Drawn on a page torn from a page from the bible. You tore a page from the holy scriptures, to make a pirate’s death sentence. Oh, the red-hot gates of hell are creeping open. Satan is heating his pokers for you for you, you blasphemous heathens. Fall down on your knees and beg for deliverance from damn…. (James spazzes out before cutting to everyone looking in absolute fear or wonder if James is going to explode right then and there before cutting to James Stabilizing)

TLOTA (Sounding like Tim Curry):
Excuse me sir but do you have Prince Albert in a can? Ya do? Well ya better let the poor guy out! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA! (Cut to Everyone looking at James while he continues to Wa-Ha!)

Dr. Vienerschnitzel:
I don’t know what is happening! I swear I don’t know if I can cure him!

Professor Schott:
I think I know what is wrong with Herr Faraci, the mixture of the Sonic devices in his glasses, mixed with the Sonic Magnetizer combined with the Madusifier and everything that happened has left his cerebrum and other control centers in his brain completely beyond repair. In short…(Professor Schott stands up out of his wheelchair and shocks everyone as his suit is slowly replaced with The Last Of The Americans’ usual garb and takes the sonic glasses off of James and takes the morpher off of James’ garter belt before James says “Have A Lovely Day” in the Tim Curry voice and dissolves into a puddle of goo and Professor Schott takes off his glasses and pulls his holographic mask is taken off to reveal the real James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and he puts on his sonic glasses as 6:23-7:33 of “A Good Man” by Murray Gold plays in the background)

TLOTA:
You owe me a Flesh Based Avatar DOC!

(Cut to everyone else)

Taylor: 
Would someone mind filling in the people who are not SCI-FI aficionados?

(Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Simple, I knew Dr. Vienerschnitzel has been trying for a while to build his monster but believe it or not he’s evaded all earthly laws, I knew going in would be a mistake on my part but I knew if I didn’t he’d continue in his experiment which I see he succeeded in. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get my device through until the shield was deactivated, which was around the time Rocky had been completed the double did that when he looked at the panel as that was being brought to life. I had no intentions of shirking my responsibilities to either You or Marcella it just turned out that I had one opportunity to end that madman next to you and by happenstance help you get to the con.

(Cut to Rick Roll and Tangerine)

Tangerine:
 He shall face judgement back on fanlove.com!

(Cut to James)

TLOTA: 
Still better safe than sorry. (James pulls out SPD Morpher) You are charged with multiple murders, multiple violations of the Space Patrol Delta treaty of 1982 and every violation of the entire Shadow Proclamation! Judgement Mode! (The SPD Morpher goes between a green circle and a red x before settling on the red x) Guilty! Okay, you two can take him back and no one has to die! (Rocky tries to run to Dr. Vienerschnitzel before he was shot by Rick Roll and Paramount is hit by a stray from Tangerine and Dr. Vienerschnitzel is shot as he tries to go to Rocky and James runs to Rick Roll and Tangerine, pulls out his Sonic Screwdriver disabling Rick Roll and Tangerine’s blasters) DAMN IT, I SAID NO ONE HAD TO DIE DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?!

(Cut to Rick Roll and Tangerine)

Rick Roll:
When someone is found guilty no matter how they are incarcerated The Guilty Party and those associated who willing aided him are executed on site!

TLOTA:
Well what about the two of you? I guess when you broke the musical number Your allegiance ended. Well then allow me to say You have one galactic hour to get off my planet before I call the authorities.

Tangerine:
The Proper authorities have been notified as they have been and we have been cleared to leave.

TLOTA: 
Fine. But if you ever come back here, consider yourselves Grass! Ladies! To the Wheelchair! (Cut to James as he, Taylor and Marcella go to the Wheelchair)

Marcella:
Now what? There’s only room for one!

TLOTA: 
Wait one second. (James taps the bridge of his glasses as molecules surround the three as it becomes James’ Time and Space Device and it disappears out of the building before cutting to the outside as the house launches into outer space before cutting to James, Marcella and Taylor as they look up into the sky)

Taylor:
We’ll never have a full explanation as to why and how things got so messed up aren’t we?

TLOTA: 
Yep!

Marcella:
Sort of like how the Rocky Horror Picture Show stay so well known to everyone.

TLOTA: 
There is a reason.

(Cut to audio sound alike to “Time Warp” plays in the background and James does a voiceover on stills from the movie.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Because it resonates to everyone. No matter what their race, gender, political affiliation, personal orientation or whatever makes us different on the outside. Because we somehow find some common ground with the characters or the Rock Opera style as to how the story of “Frankenstein” is done or just because it is FUN and with everything we are dealing with, we need FUN a lot more. Maybe we need to see something fun done the right way unlike the Live TV remake that happened around this time last year and this is FUN in a unique way. Is it for everyone? Well I wouldn’t show it to anyone under sixteen but I see why everyone would like it and for many who were and a part of the experience would pass it on to the next generation but if you’re going to do so, do it carefully. (Cut to James, Marcella and Taylor outside the crater of where the manor was)

Taylor:
Well can I ask something? Was Professor Schott real? Was Johnny real? (Cut to “Johnny” standing by the minivan)

Johnny:
There was no Johnny! I am Johnny but everyone knows me as someone else. (Johnny takes off his mask to reveal himself to be Tommy Wiseau played by Paulo Fonseca)

Tommy Wiseau:
I am Tommy Wiseau! (Cut to James, Marcella and Taylor outside the crater of where the manor was)

Marcella:
So, when James “Killed” you?
(Cut to Tommy Wiseau standing by the minivan)
Tommy Wiseau:
He shot me with Mel! (Cut to James, Marcella and Taylor outside the crater of where the manor was)
TLOTA:
I think he means Blanks! (Taylor and Marcella go “OH!” before cutting to Tommy Wiseau standing by the Minivan)

Tommy Wiseau:
I have to go now! Here are your keys to the van! Bye! (Tommy Wiseau walks away leaving Taylor, Marcella and James understandably confused.)

TLOTA: 
I’ll tell you everything about the plan later. (Taylor and Marcella throw their hands up in defeat and walk off screen) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... One moment. (Cut to the Forensic Scientist’s library.)

TLOTA: 
Dude, I’ve got this. (The Forensic Scientist walks away as “Superheroes” sound alike from the 2:20-3:03 mark plays in the background)

TLOTA (Sing Speak):
And somewhere out there, in the depths of space. Lies a bright and stable sun and on its third satellite the human race! Through their own ego, lead to everyone dying and somewhere out there…God is crying! (James walks away from the brightly lit globe as backup singers sing “CRY-Y-Y-ING!” and James closes the door as the globe shuts off.)