(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Deep inhaling sigh) So, it has come to this. We have become so desperate for another Thanksgiving classic that we are adding a movie with Pauly Shore. Am I on something I don't know about or are we as a collective planet getting dumber? ("Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen plays before cutting to the title of "Son In Law" then cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
What the literal definition of hell is this? "Son In Law" is a Thanksgiving classic up on par with the likes of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and "Planes Trains & Automobiles"? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! IT'S LIKE THE NEW YORK JETS WINNING THE SUPER BOWL! WE ALL KNOW IT'LL BE THE DAY THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS GOES ICE SKATING ON THE RIVER STYX WHEN THAT HAPPENS! BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? (Cut to James physically as he pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon)
TLOTA:
Well then, let's break out the only Turkey that should be enjoyed while finding out how this turkey became a Thanksgiving classic. This is "Son-In-Law". (James opens the bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as the credits roll we start off at a graduation in the heartland and as I check, the Missile Silos are about to launch getting ready to unleash "The Day After" on the left of our Valedictorian and Isaac Chroner is being sacrificed to "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" on the right and the wicked cornfield kegger from "Freddy vs Jason" is going on behind our Valedictorian. This is Becca, played by Carla Gugino as she gives the usual "High School was just the beginning" Spiel every graduate knows that in a few years time is a LOAD! Also, no your eyes are not deceiving you that is a Post "Saved By The Bell"-Pre "Beverly Hills 90210", "White Collar" & "Dinner at Tiffani's" Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. As Becca is accepted to go to a college in California we soon see her father played by "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman"'s Perry White the late Lane Smith goes to the Resident Advisor played by of course the Theta version of Shia LaBeouf, Pauly Shore and how annoying is the guy? (Cut to all the moments Pauly's character was as annoying as all get out before cutting to James as he looks at the open bottle of "Wild Turkey" and mouths "Not Yet" before cutting to clips and stills of Pauly Shore and his career as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now let's make one thing clear Pauly Shore was NEVER funny or anything positive. But for fifteen microseconds Pauly Shore was actually considered popular! He had a hit show on MTV back when they actually showed Music instead of mundane garbage, was put in secondary character roles in movies, he even has a bit of a legacy as his mother is legendary Mitzi Shore, the genius behind The Comedy Store. But for those who thought he could hold everyone's attention and be the star in movies and be funny were placing their bet on the dead horse as by the time this movie was released his shtick had gotten stale and he never got past that and since then has thankfully been relegated to obscurity. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And if you think I am being too hard on him then I'll do you a favor and pay for your CAT scan. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow as Becca is getting ready to either to snap and go on a manslaughter of everyone in the dorm or go home crying. Pauly says that she's too much of a Stick In The Mud and decides to help her get more comfortable in SoCal. But honestly I think my buddy's good pal Rosen is more capable of that than Pauly Shore ever could be and as is typical in the case of someone breaking out of their shell there is the typical makeover montage. But just as Becca is getting comfortable it's Thanksgiving break. Okay, now I'm starting to see the connection. Worried Pauly might get lonely Becca decides to obviously take him home to meet the family and her boyfriend. They see how much Becca has changed and aren't alright with most of it. But everyone is more upset she brought Pauly Shore with her. I'd be upset if someone in my family brought Pauly Shore home to my family unless it is to hold the target for target practice. But what's scarier than bringing home Pauly Shore for Becca? Her preppy douchebag boyfriend whose been tapping Becca's best friend on the side because he's a twat wanting to marry her just as she was enjoying her new found freedom! (DRAMATIC MUSIC STING!) Pauly seeing that it'd be a living hell for Becca decides to lie his weasel ass off and say that the two are engaged. The family and the boyfriend handle it well. (Becca's boyfriend decks Pauly Shore before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Am I wrong in saying that when The Preppy Douche Boyfriend clocking Pauly Shore is a comedic highlight of the movie? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Deciding to go along with it Becca thinks it might be a good idea for Pauly to get into the family business of running the farm. (Show clip of Pauly being thrown into a pile of manure before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
That does feel like a metaphor for all of Pauly Shore's movies. Though I think there is one moment everyone in the cast save for Pauly Shore wished they had filmed but didn't because Pauly, the writers, the director who also directed "The Buddy Holly Story" and other movies felt it'd be a step in the right direction. (Cut to a green screen of James dressed as a farmer)
Farmer (Played by James Faraci):
And over here is the feral hog pen wanna take a closer look? (Surfer dude voice off screen sounding like The '90's Dude saying "That'd be awesome" off screen as The Farmer picks up a sledgehammer and walks off screen as a thwack is heard before a cacophony of squeals and screams as The Farmer cleans the blood off the head of the Sledgehammer) That's for trying to shuck my daughter's corn. (Screams are heard as the farmer walks away before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
But no, we're stuck with the typical Fish Out Of Water humor mixed with farm yard hijinks and while Pauly is an annoying ass through and through there are one or two moments in which Pauly actually helps the family as he gets Becca's dad and mom reconnect and hangs out with Becca's grandfather and father as they go fishing. (Show how Pauly's character is supposed to have a moment in which he tries to be deep and be dramatic before cutting to James as he looks to up and to the right before cutting to the Poster of "Son In Law" as James grabs the poster and smacks it on the nose.)
TLOTA:
BAD MOVIE! BAD! BAD! MOVIE! You are not supposed to give us a moment in which we are to side with Pauly Shore and give him a moment to tug at the heartstrings unless the string is around his heart and that string cuts and sends Paulie into a vat of super powerful acid that automatically disintegrates human bodies on impact! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
But it appears that Becca's Grandfather is suffering a heart attack and as Pauly attempts to revive the Grandfather. The Grandfather looks in shock as he see Pauly's mug and reacts accordingly (The Grandfather screams in sheer terror then states the obvious by saying " If I had to choose between dying and him kissing me, I'd rather die." before cutting to James smiling)
TLOTA:
That is how I would feel if I had to choose between being saved by Pauly Shore and death!(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After doing that Pauly gets dad's approval much to the chagrin of the preppy douchebag boyfriend's chagrin and the farm hand. As Pauly gets his sea legs working on the farm he finds the combine harvester and... EVEN LESS FUNNY HIJINKS ENSUES! (Show clip of Pauly working the combine harvester as "Combine Harvester" from The Wurtzels play in the foreground as Pauly has a more psychotic look on his face before cutting to James physically as he screams)
TLOTA:
QUIT MUGGING! THAT LAST ONE MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER! As a matter of fact. (Cut to James as he jumps into the movie, throws Pauly out takes control of the combine harvester and a big puddle of red covers the camera before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sad to say that does NOT happen as he impresses the father even further. The next day Pauly goes into town to get new clothes when OH HAI DOUCHEBAG! Actually he has a Bachelor party set up for him that night as a way to bury the hatchet. But not before Pauly tries to get a turkey for Thanksgiving or should I say the Turkey tries to kill Pauly. Which all things considered would be a happier ending. (Pauly howls and causes the Turkey to DIE before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Wow, there's some sort of meaning here. I know Pauly Shore's movie career consists of Turkeys that die on impact but I have to say that this is the first time Pauly Shore with his horrendous acting actually killed a turkey! I have no words to describe what just happened. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
No, The Turkey isn't dead it was just suffering from Pauly Shore shock. After leaving Becca's family to deal with the turkey he gets hammered tries to sing John Denver before Becca's best friend decides to give Pauly a... (Show clip of Becca's friend doing a lap dance to Pauly before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
How old was Tiffani Thiessen when she did that? (Cut to a clip of Tiffani Thiessen in "Son-In-Law" as the number 19 appears and a ding is heard before cutting to James physically) How old was Pauly Shore? (Cut to a still of Pauly Shore in "Son-In-Law" as a buzzer is heard as the number 25 before cutting to James physically) Okay I'm going to go right ahead and call Lieutenant Olivia Benson and thankfully I've got her on speed dial. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning Becca finds Pauly and her best friend in the farm as it looks like the two had a roll in the hay and does what she should've done an hour and a half ago and send him down the road! Meanwhile Becca's best friend quickly discovers the truth of what happened the night before and interrupt Becca's Thanksgiving diner to tell what really happened. (Show clip of Pauly showing the evidence that he and Becca's friend were knocked out by Rohypnol by the preppy douchebag boyfriend and the farm hand and are thrown out.) After that Pauly decides one lie got him into his situation one more should get him out of it and the movie ends as Lane Smith's character says "Grindage" and Pauly being accepted as a member of the family. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that was "Son-In-Law". Is it truly a Thanksgiving classic as everyone's making out to be? (Cut to clips of the movie as "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" plays in the background as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it is no classic by any stretch of the imagination, I understand why everyone is thinking it should be. It does have its few good moments and points where the movie got a chuckle out of me but no way do I think it is on any level TRULY good. While the rest of the cast does the best with what they have to work with they're forced to carry someone who need to be dragged by the skin of his Po-Pos across the desert highway. But what really is surprising to me about this movie is that intelligent people who are trying to cure cancer actually enjoy this and herald this movie as a Thanksgiving classic. While I don't agree with them on this being a Thanksgiving classic, I understand some of their points like how it portrays the ever changing dynamics of families and how they function or fall apart. The need for freedom from your past and all of that. The need to protect your friend from harm. The self righteous belief that you believe you're entitled to get what you want and feel you deserve and don't care who you screw over to get what you want and all of that. But while those points are valid, I honestly didn't enjoy this movie not even to recommend the movie. But if you like it all hope and positive power to you and if you believe it's a Thanksgiving classic, awesome. But if you want my thoughts on true Thanksgiving recommendations then I suggest "Good Eats: Romancing The Bird" or " Good Eats: Countdown to T-Day", a "Star Wars" Marathon, a "Gone With The Wind" Marathon or the MST3K Turkey Day Marathon! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!
TLOTA (Voiceover):
What the literal definition of hell is this? "Son In Law" is a Thanksgiving classic up on par with the likes of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and "Planes Trains & Automobiles"? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! IT'S LIKE THE NEW YORK JETS WINNING THE SUPER BOWL! WE ALL KNOW IT'LL BE THE DAY THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS GOES ICE SKATING ON THE RIVER STYX WHEN THAT HAPPENS! BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? (Cut to James physically as he pulls out a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon)
TLOTA:
Well then, let's break out the only Turkey that should be enjoyed while finding out how this turkey became a Thanksgiving classic. This is "Son-In-Law". (James opens the bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So as the credits roll we start off at a graduation in the heartland and as I check, the Missile Silos are about to launch getting ready to unleash "The Day After" on the left of our Valedictorian and Isaac Chroner is being sacrificed to "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" on the right and the wicked cornfield kegger from "Freddy vs Jason" is going on behind our Valedictorian. This is Becca, played by Carla Gugino as she gives the usual "High School was just the beginning" Spiel every graduate knows that in a few years time is a LOAD! Also, no your eyes are not deceiving you that is a Post "Saved By The Bell"-Pre "Beverly Hills 90210", "White Collar" & "Dinner at Tiffani's" Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. As Becca is accepted to go to a college in California we soon see her father played by "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman"'s Perry White the late Lane Smith goes to the Resident Advisor played by of course the Theta version of Shia LaBeouf, Pauly Shore and how annoying is the guy? (Cut to all the moments Pauly's character was as annoying as all get out before cutting to James as he looks at the open bottle of "Wild Turkey" and mouths "Not Yet" before cutting to clips and stills of Pauly Shore and his career as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now let's make one thing clear Pauly Shore was NEVER funny or anything positive. But for fifteen microseconds Pauly Shore was actually considered popular! He had a hit show on MTV back when they actually showed Music instead of mundane garbage, was put in secondary character roles in movies, he even has a bit of a legacy as his mother is legendary Mitzi Shore, the genius behind The Comedy Store. But for those who thought he could hold everyone's attention and be the star in movies and be funny were placing their bet on the dead horse as by the time this movie was released his shtick had gotten stale and he never got past that and since then has thankfully been relegated to obscurity. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And if you think I am being too hard on him then I'll do you a favor and pay for your CAT scan. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow as Becca is getting ready to either to snap and go on a manslaughter of everyone in the dorm or go home crying. Pauly says that she's too much of a Stick In The Mud and decides to help her get more comfortable in SoCal. But honestly I think my buddy's good pal Rosen is more capable of that than Pauly Shore ever could be and as is typical in the case of someone breaking out of their shell there is the typical makeover montage. But just as Becca is getting comfortable it's Thanksgiving break. Okay, now I'm starting to see the connection. Worried Pauly might get lonely Becca decides to obviously take him home to meet the family and her boyfriend. They see how much Becca has changed and aren't alright with most of it. But everyone is more upset she brought Pauly Shore with her. I'd be upset if someone in my family brought Pauly Shore home to my family unless it is to hold the target for target practice. But what's scarier than bringing home Pauly Shore for Becca? Her preppy douchebag boyfriend whose been tapping Becca's best friend on the side because he's a twat wanting to marry her just as she was enjoying her new found freedom! (DRAMATIC MUSIC STING!) Pauly seeing that it'd be a living hell for Becca decides to lie his weasel ass off and say that the two are engaged. The family and the boyfriend handle it well. (Becca's boyfriend decks Pauly Shore before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Am I wrong in saying that when The Preppy Douche Boyfriend clocking Pauly Shore is a comedic highlight of the movie? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Deciding to go along with it Becca thinks it might be a good idea for Pauly to get into the family business of running the farm. (Show clip of Pauly being thrown into a pile of manure before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
That does feel like a metaphor for all of Pauly Shore's movies. Though I think there is one moment everyone in the cast save for Pauly Shore wished they had filmed but didn't because Pauly, the writers, the director who also directed "The Buddy Holly Story" and other movies felt it'd be a step in the right direction. (Cut to a green screen of James dressed as a farmer)
Farmer (Played by James Faraci):
And over here is the feral hog pen wanna take a closer look? (Surfer dude voice off screen sounding like The '90's Dude saying "That'd be awesome" off screen as The Farmer picks up a sledgehammer and walks off screen as a thwack is heard before a cacophony of squeals and screams as The Farmer cleans the blood off the head of the Sledgehammer) That's for trying to shuck my daughter's corn. (Screams are heard as the farmer walks away before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
But no, we're stuck with the typical Fish Out Of Water humor mixed with farm yard hijinks and while Pauly is an annoying ass through and through there are one or two moments in which Pauly actually helps the family as he gets Becca's dad and mom reconnect and hangs out with Becca's grandfather and father as they go fishing. (Show how Pauly's character is supposed to have a moment in which he tries to be deep and be dramatic before cutting to James as he looks to up and to the right before cutting to the Poster of "Son In Law" as James grabs the poster and smacks it on the nose.)
TLOTA:
BAD MOVIE! BAD! BAD! MOVIE! You are not supposed to give us a moment in which we are to side with Pauly Shore and give him a moment to tug at the heartstrings unless the string is around his heart and that string cuts and sends Paulie into a vat of super powerful acid that automatically disintegrates human bodies on impact! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
But it appears that Becca's Grandfather is suffering a heart attack and as Pauly attempts to revive the Grandfather. The Grandfather looks in shock as he see Pauly's mug and reacts accordingly (The Grandfather screams in sheer terror then states the obvious by saying " If I had to choose between dying and him kissing me, I'd rather die." before cutting to James smiling)
TLOTA:
That is how I would feel if I had to choose between being saved by Pauly Shore and death!(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After doing that Pauly gets dad's approval much to the chagrin of the preppy douchebag boyfriend's chagrin and the farm hand. As Pauly gets his sea legs working on the farm he finds the combine harvester and... EVEN LESS FUNNY HIJINKS ENSUES! (Show clip of Pauly working the combine harvester as "Combine Harvester" from The Wurtzels play in the foreground as Pauly has a more psychotic look on his face before cutting to James physically as he screams)
TLOTA:
QUIT MUGGING! THAT LAST ONE MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER! As a matter of fact. (Cut to James as he jumps into the movie, throws Pauly out takes control of the combine harvester and a big puddle of red covers the camera before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sad to say that does NOT happen as he impresses the father even further. The next day Pauly goes into town to get new clothes when OH HAI DOUCHEBAG! Actually he has a Bachelor party set up for him that night as a way to bury the hatchet. But not before Pauly tries to get a turkey for Thanksgiving or should I say the Turkey tries to kill Pauly. Which all things considered would be a happier ending. (Pauly howls and causes the Turkey to DIE before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
Wow, there's some sort of meaning here. I know Pauly Shore's movie career consists of Turkeys that die on impact but I have to say that this is the first time Pauly Shore with his horrendous acting actually killed a turkey! I have no words to describe what just happened. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
No, The Turkey isn't dead it was just suffering from Pauly Shore shock. After leaving Becca's family to deal with the turkey he gets hammered tries to sing John Denver before Becca's best friend decides to give Pauly a... (Show clip of Becca's friend doing a lap dance to Pauly before cutting to James physically)
TLOTA:
How old was Tiffani Thiessen when she did that? (Cut to a clip of Tiffani Thiessen in "Son-In-Law" as the number 19 appears and a ding is heard before cutting to James physically) How old was Pauly Shore? (Cut to a still of Pauly Shore in "Son-In-Law" as a buzzer is heard as the number 25 before cutting to James physically) Okay I'm going to go right ahead and call Lieutenant Olivia Benson and thankfully I've got her on speed dial. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning Becca finds Pauly and her best friend in the farm as it looks like the two had a roll in the hay and does what she should've done an hour and a half ago and send him down the road! Meanwhile Becca's best friend quickly discovers the truth of what happened the night before and interrupt Becca's Thanksgiving diner to tell what really happened. (Show clip of Pauly showing the evidence that he and Becca's friend were knocked out by Rohypnol by the preppy douchebag boyfriend and the farm hand and are thrown out.) After that Pauly decides one lie got him into his situation one more should get him out of it and the movie ends as Lane Smith's character says "Grindage" and Pauly being accepted as a member of the family. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that was "Son-In-Law". Is it truly a Thanksgiving classic as everyone's making out to be? (Cut to clips of the movie as "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" plays in the background as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it is no classic by any stretch of the imagination, I understand why everyone is thinking it should be. It does have its few good moments and points where the movie got a chuckle out of me but no way do I think it is on any level TRULY good. While the rest of the cast does the best with what they have to work with they're forced to carry someone who need to be dragged by the skin of his Po-Pos across the desert highway. But what really is surprising to me about this movie is that intelligent people who are trying to cure cancer actually enjoy this and herald this movie as a Thanksgiving classic. While I don't agree with them on this being a Thanksgiving classic, I understand some of their points like how it portrays the ever changing dynamics of families and how they function or fall apart. The need for freedom from your past and all of that. The need to protect your friend from harm. The self righteous belief that you believe you're entitled to get what you want and feel you deserve and don't care who you screw over to get what you want and all of that. But while those points are valid, I honestly didn't enjoy this movie not even to recommend the movie. But if you like it all hope and positive power to you and if you believe it's a Thanksgiving classic, awesome. But if you want my thoughts on true Thanksgiving recommendations then I suggest "Good Eats: Romancing The Bird" or " Good Eats: Countdown to T-Day", a "Star Wars" Marathon, a "Gone With The Wind" Marathon or the MST3K Turkey Day Marathon! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!
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