Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Big 3: "Kick" Nostalgia Critic's "Assia"!


(Scene begins with Eliza Dushku looking in ORAC’s Chamber trying to discover how ORAC works)

Eliza Dushku: What is going on? What are you?

TLOTA (Audio only): ORAC! (Eliza jumps back in fear as the scene cuts to James outside of ORAC’s Chamber)

TLOTA: And this card activates it. (Cut to Eliza)

Eliza Dushku: James, listen I… (Cut to James)

TLOTA: have been trying to wonder if I’m even human. (James pulls out a Manilla file case) This is every ounce of paperwork dating from April 28th 1982 until right now. Read it if you want. It’s everything. Birth Records, Archived news reports all of it except for one thing. Where I got my start in the realm of Internet Reviewing as for the hole between what happened when I was on Myspace and now here well... (Pocket buzzes and James feels vibration and pulls out ORAC’s Activation Remote Card.) We’ll jump off that bridge when we get there and guess what ORAC found. (James places Activation Remote Card in the slot of ORAC) ORAC?

ORAC: The first three posted reviews have been recovered these three were posted slightly after the movies known as “Kickassia”, “Suburban Knights” & “To Boldly Flee” were placed onto the online communities (Cut to Eliza Dushku trips and lands in a chair)

Eliza Dushku: But How? What? James who in the blue blazes of hell are you? (Cut to James walking over to Eliza)

TLOTA: Read up if you want to know more. But in the meantime ORAC, Play the first recovered review as to who I am and in the meanwhile feel free to enjoy my first true movie review “Kickassia”! (The two fade to black as we cut to the deserts outside of the borders of Nevada and Molossia as the song “Beirut Vacation” from The Naked Gun plays in the background before the camera moves to the outside of the Government House before zooming to the door before cutting to the inside of the government house where everyone is talking indistinctly as it cuts to The Nostalgia Critic slamming his mallet and shouting order)

Nostalgia Critic: ORDER! ORDER! WE SHALL HAVE ORDER! (Cut to Benzaie & Marzgurl)

Benzaie: You know Nietzsche said “From Chaos comes Order”

Marzgurl: Blow it out your ass Benzaie! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: My Fellow Kickassians, I would like to thank you all for your patience as we stabilize our… (Nostalgia Critic continues to pontificate as one figure fully covered walks in the background around the place and answers the door as a man covered in a cloak walks in as Linkara and Cinema Snob look at what’s going on.)

Cinema Snob: Hey Linkara, who’s the guy in the cloak?

Linkara: No clue, who’s the guy without the face.

Cinema Snob: From what I heard he was here when Baugh ran this place. (Cut to The Nostalgia Critic continuing his pontification!)

Nostalgia Critic: And it is with that in mind we take over the United States! (Cut to Paw)

Paw: And their President will just let you that? (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic turning with his back towards the camera and turns to the camera)

Nostalgia Critic: OF COURSE! (Cut to everyone looking)

Nostalgia Critic (Audio only): Who do you think financed this little invasion? Behold the true mastermind! (Cut to the man in the cloak revealing himself to be President Barack Obama)

Barack Obama: My friends, the time has come for my country to fall and you will lead the invasion and you will have backing from some of America’s enemies! (Cut to The Nostalgia Critic)

Nostalgia Critic: And we shall be victorious! TO THE DOWNFALL OF AMERICA! (Cut to Film Brain)

Film Brain: THREE CHEERS TO THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HIP! HIP! (Everyone else unenthusiastically audibly says “Hurray”. The audio of Film brain enthusiastically saying Hip! Hip! & everyone else unenthusiastically audibly saying “Hurray” is heard as The Nostalgia Critic and President Obama raise their hands united in victory as the fully covered figure pulls out a dagger in the background and walks towards President Obama and The Nostalgia Critic as The audio of Film brain enthusiastically saying Hip! Hip! & Everyone else is in mid unenthusiastic “Hurray” as The fully clothed figure stabs the hands of the united Nostalgia Critic and Barack Obama and as the two scream in blood curdling agony the fully covered figure knocks the two of them out and starts to run to the door as the camera cuts to Everyone else)

Phelous (In his usual sarcastic tone): Go After him? (Everyone runs to the fully cloaked figure as he stops, turns around and disrobes his outer clothing to reveal himself to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans! As “Drebin Hero!” plays in the background James Kicks Phelous knocking him out smashing the table in the process and then proceeding to punch and kick his way through the Channel Awesome lineup as Angry Joe tries his Martial Arts James grabs him by his po-pos and his jacket and throws him onto JewWario, Handsome Tom & 8-Bit Mickey, Spoony, Cinema Snob and LordKat. Linkara tosses James over to the stove where Linkara has him pinned up against the stove and James’ right hand searches for something.)

Linkara (Audio only): I don’t know who you are but you are a fool for taking me and my friends on. Because I AM… (James grabs a Double Boiler pot and clocks Linkara on the right side then his left side of his face then on the top of his head slamming his hat onto his head to the NBC tone)

Linkara: Unconscious! (Linkara falls like a tree as audio of Film Brain Gibbering like madman as the crack of a piece of wood smacking him and rendering Film Brain unconscious as James sees the unconscious Film Brain and no one else as The Nostalgia Chick dressed as Sarah Palin comes into the fracas)

Nostalgia Chick: Hey there what’s with all the Ra… (Nostalgia Chick screams as James grabs her and slams her head into the oven door repeatedly until the 0:44 mark when The Nostalgia Critic pulls the dagger out of his and Barack Obama’s hand and tries to attack only for James to hit a Stone Cold Stunner on the Nostalgia Critic and a fireman’s carry and toss to Barack Obama as President Baugh of Molossia walks in to see everyone broken and beaten except for James who sees President Baugh of Molossia and in a fit of adrenaline fueled insanity tosses President Baugh into the oven then starts to walk away passing a barely conscious Spoony)

Spoony: Who are you? Are you crazy? (Cut to James at the front door turning towards the Camera.)

TLOTA: I’m not crazy! I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans! (Cut to everyone trying to get up only for Film Brain to take a half step before falling down then cut to James at the front door)

TLOTA: And for all of you from Thatguywiththeglasses.com, Quit overstepping your boundaries and losing scope and for everyone else Don’t Let Me Catch You in America! (James takes a half step forward onto a detonator as everyone else has a “Scared so badly they’re going to wet themselves!” look on their face. James jumps for the door as The Government house explodes “The Naked Gun Theme” plays in the background and the scene cuts to a rear projected car and James is behind the wheel passing famous moments in driving pop culture even going side to side with the DeLorean from “Back To The Future” until James winds up home stepping out of his ride and collapsing on the driveway. Scene cuts to an hour later as James is in his room!)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Let’s talk about “Internet Reviewers” (Cut to clips of different internet reviewers as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As I watch them, I realize something. They are FANS! They like the subjects they talk about if it’s good they like them, if not well… we get (Show clip of Nostalgia Critic’s “Batman & Robin” review as he goes insane over the Bat Credit Card then cut to clips of The progression of The Angry Video Game Nerd and Nostalgia Critic and those on “Thatguywiththeglasses.com” & the “ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com First Year Anniversary Brawl” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): My first Internet reviewer I actually became a fan of was James “The Angry Video Game Nerd” Rolfe. He just seemed to know what games were great and which ones were such turds and which ones should Never EVER have should’ve been made. He actually made a video about someone calling himself “The Nostalgia Critic” and he’s reviewed some movies that I’ve liked and disliked. The two feuded for a while culminating in the “Thatguywiththeglasses.com First year anniversary brawl” it was funny and introduced me to several more of the site’s talents including Linkara, Angry Joe, Paw, Marzgurl & So many others. It appeared to have ended the feud between the Nerd & the Critic for the most part. But when I heard they were going to try to top themselves for their second year, well let’s just say my interest was piqued for what they were offering. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: What we got was “Kickassia”! (Cut to the title card of Kickassia then clips of Kickassia as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Oh what the fuck were they thinking? This thing barely qualifies as a real decent movie! It barely can stay focused on what it’s trying to do and when it tries to make something of itself nothing truly happens by the end of it. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And believe it or not, I am actually going to review on a movie starring Internet Reviewers. That’s right, you are privy to my first ever ACTUAL review. Brace yourself folks, this is “Kickassia”! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So our movie starts as we’re introduced to Molossia and its president Kevin Baugh. It’s an acre of land in Nevada that through a legal loophole is technically a micro nation!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Hmmm, where have I heard something like that before? (James grabs a remote and turns on the TV)

TV (Only Audio by James Faraci): Next on “Family Guy” Peter Griffin discovers his home and the ground around it is not in American territory the wackiness ensues as Peter declares war on his neighbors. (James shuts off the TV)

TLOTA: Seriously? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): We soon meet our illustrious leader as he’s practicing his Tai Chi when guess who comes a knocking on his door.

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I’m The Nostalgia Critic, online personality and all around Spectacular guy.

TLOTA (Voiceover):  That’s right, The Nostalgia Critic has come and told President Baugh he’s come to invade Molossia! But like anyone with more than five functioning brain cells does when a nutjob comes to say he’s coming for them, he closes the door right in front of The Nostalgia Critic’s face. Heading back to his place The Nostalgia Critic calls upon some familiar faces from last year’s brawl like The Nostalgia Chick who reminds me of Ellen Page for some reason & Spoony who looks like Chuck from one of my favorite cooking shows “Good Eats” for some reason, Angry Joe & Linkara along with some new faces like Cinema Snob & Film Brain while The guy who does Epic Fail, Little Miss Gamer & That Chick With The Goggles decide to sit out most of this turkey and opt instead for cameos. Anyway The Nostalgia Critic decides to fly his team to Nevada in a hotel to help invade Molossia. Marzgurl asks the obvious question why and the Critic thinks that this could be an opportunity to become Powerful leaders and eventually be big conquerors but seriously am I the only one who thinks this whole idea is… Well…. Stupid? I mean They review movies, comics, TV, Sports, Music and Pop Culture. Shouldn’t they be coming together to find some common interest and tear that apart instead of trying to I don’t know try to Rule the World? (Cut to the clip about Nazis before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: Seriously?! You’re making jokes about Nazis?! I guess it makes sense to make jokes about to them seeing as how interchangeable with Republicans RIGHT?! Because it’s not that hard to confuse the two different groups now isn’t it! (Cut to the movie as James sighs then continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any rate The Nostalgia Critic and his associates go on the attack when they make a tactical error. That error being, The President is packing and will turn them into compost as they die in misery and agony! (Cut to the clip of The Nostalgia Critic screaming in fear as the audio of King Arthur and his knights shout Run Away from the killer rabbit from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” is dubbed in before cutting to the room in the hotel.)

Phelous: Well THAT didn’t work. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Show of hands who saw that the Critic’s plan wouldn’t work. (Cut to the clip of from “Spaceballs” as the crew of “Spaceball One” all raise their hands and shout “YO!” before cutting back to the movie and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually everyone kinda gains some intelligence and decide that this is kind of stupid but the Nostalgia Critic has a silver tongue and convince everyone to stay and takes Phelous’ idea to have everyone get weapons themselves and in a montage they get themselves ready to try again the next day. That night the Critic and Spoony have themselves a chat. What they talk about is unleashing Dr. Insano. I personally think it’s as smart as giving Shia LaBeouf an acting career but what the hell do I know! So the next day arrives and WAIT A MINUTE! (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses, looks at his right hand and counts to five multiple times)

TLOTA: M. BISON?! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?! Okay, do you know what three things the Nostalgia Critic are most famous for now? First off having a feud with The Angry Video Game Nerd, Second, creating the M. Bison “OF COURSE” meme because of the 1994 Street Fighter movie which was a stinker that had Raul Julia play the character of M. Bison! And finally, The overreaction to the Bat Credit Card from “Batman & Robin”. Guess which one he’s mocking? And if you guessed The Bat Credit Card then do humanity a favor and stop breathing so the smart people can actually live longer! Fucking Cockstains. (Cut to the movie as The Nostalgia Critic gives his “Kickassia” speech then James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And They May Take our lives but they’ll never take our hammy acting! So they go on the attack as President Baugh uses an App to blow explosives and give hammy lines to good performers (Cut to Linkara crying over Marzgurl and Marzgurl eventually muffled shouting “You’re an idiot!” before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: A line most uttered by the cast & crew toward the director while they were working on this waste of time. (Cut to them trying to get over the fence as Angry Joe shouts “IT’S NO USE! THE BULLETS ARE GOING THROUGH THE HOLES!” and then they try a ladder then a footstool before cutting to see JewWario out of his “Battle Armor”)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! (Footage stops as a record needle scratches and cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: WHERE IN THE WIDE WORLD OF FUCKING SPORTS DID “JEWWARIO’S” BATTLE ARMOR GO?! WAS THE CLIMB OVER THE FENCE ON THAT FUCKING STUPID FOOTSTOOL SO FUCKING HARD THAT HE HAD TO TAKE IT OFF?! Well, I guess it was a long run from the desert Nevada Border to Molossia, OH WAIT THEY WERE A FEW MINUTES AWAY! God I can’t stand these Assfucking Idiots! (Cut to the President sword whipping some of the Thatguywiththeglasses.com people as Phelous hides behind the shed then disappears in the next shot.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE?! (The Footage stops at the moment where The Nostalgia Critic and President Baugh are face to face as a record needle scratches and cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: WHY WAS FUCKING PHELOUS IN ONE SHOT WHERE HIS FRIENDS ARE GETTING SWORD WHIPPED AND IN THE NEXT SHOT HE DISAPPEARED?! One Second. (James grabs his cellphone and dials a number as the voice on the other end of the line says “Hello, this is the Continuity of the movie “Kickassia” I’m not here at all, please leave a message at the sound of the tone.” And a beep is heard.)HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!(Cut to James sighing audibly as the footage cuts to the President coming across Lee from “Still Gaming” and James does a voiceover the movie)

TLOTA (Voiceover): At any Rate as this shit storm is going on Lee from “Still Gaming” comes across the flash jumping President and the guy who is a moving still frame becomes fully dimensional in the fact he’s not a still frame photo just standing in place and not by any mean of his acting and serves up a heaping helping of Double Knuckle Sandwiches washed down with a case of Whoop-Ass as the President runs to the Government House with everyone else after he had gotten safely back in and costume change he declares them the new rulers of the acre of land and rename it “Kickassia” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’ve got a bad feeling that this will not fucking end well. (Cut to the movie as James sighs then continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And in a bit that reminded me of Newsreels of yore. (Cut to the “We’re going to need more hemp” moment from “Yor Hunter From The Future” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: NOT THAT YOR! (Cut to The movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: We discover what everyone has been up to, though all it amounts to is twenty minutes of filler and… (Show clip of The Nostalgia Chick acting like Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: You’re Fucking Shitting me, Right?! (Cut to the clip The Nostalgia Chick’s Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin ending before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: One moment! (James gets up and the camera cuts to James walking to the basement door and the camera stays on the door as the audio of James walking down the stairs is heard before the sound of Crashing and Banging are heard as James shouts out “GOD DAMN YOU!” then more crashing and banging is heard as he yells “ASSHOLES! YOU SON OF BITCHES!” then MORE crashing and banging is heard before James shouts out the loudest “GOD DAMN!” in his life as the crashing and banging stops with the sound of a Hubcap spinning then the sound of James walking up the steps opening the door then walking out before cutting to James sitting back in his room.)

TLOTA: Okay, I get the fact that Sarah Palin is a punchline but guess what she isn’t helping my existence very much. (Cut to images other well-known Republicans and other figures James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For those wondering, YES! I am a Conservative Republican and as of the past few decades we’ve been rather looked upon UNFAIRLY by the mainstream news media as either too stupid, too out of touch with people or people who follow a funny looking X and a guy with a silly moustache who even Conservative Republicans think everything that comes out of his mouth is no different than an anal evacuation or what he wrote is good toilet paper! (Cut to The Movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So yeah, seeing this impression of Sarah Palin gets me so angry I could punch a supporter to anyone who opposes my thoughts, including someone who was in this insult to movies! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But if you really want to go over the top with her, why not add on to her crazy by making her sound like the Love Child of the Ultimate Warrior & Gary Busey! (Cut to the clip of Chris Larios of Transmission Awesome asking the Nostalgia Critic about his goals which eventually leads to the moment in which The Nostalgia Critic eventually replies “Of Course!” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Show of Hands who saw that coming. (Hands raise up around the screen.)

TLOTA (Audio only): Hey you there in Pierre, South Dakota put your fucking hand down, you fucking LIAR! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After that pointless bit of filler in this pointless filler we soon discover that the President who is still in disguise slowly but surely gets to everyone and the capper is when Linkara mysteriously discovers a receipt for 20 tons of Dynamite signed by…

Linkara: The Nostalgia Critic! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well of course the Critic would sign and purchase all that especially for an acre of… DYNAMITE?! (Cut to clips of people and characters shouting “DYNAMITE!” with the denouement being a clip of Robert Wuhl in his “Assume The Position” special shouting “Dynamite!” Rasputin in the Animaniacs episode shouting “DYNAMITE?!”, Bon Scott singing the word “Dynamite!” & Jimmie “J.J.” Walker saying “DY-NO-MIIITE!” before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As everyone else save for the Critic and Nostalgia Chick retreat to the Hotel Room to wonder what to do next. Fortunately, The Cinema Snob decided to use his brain cells and go and confront the Critic with his usual wit, charm & subtlety (Cut to the clip of the Cinema Snob saying “Everybody thinks you’re nuts” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I never said his wit, charm and subtlety was any good especially since he reviews z-grade movies & z-grade pornos! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But eventually he gets to the Dynamite and here is where the vail of the Critic drops! (Cut to the Nostalgia Critic talking about His goals and Nasty Wasties before cutting to James walking away with a scared shitless look on his face before cutting to the kitchen to the main phone line)

TLOTA: Uh yes, my name is James and I need to send a squad to a place called Molossia and I need you to get the strongest tranquilizers and the most impossible to escape padded cell you can make. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Realizing how far around the bend The Nostalgia Critic has gone carrying a few Deca-tons of BAT SHIT CRAZY everyone decides the time has come to act and act fast. (Cut to Bennett The Sage in excited utterance “I Say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play Piñata with his entrails!” Before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I need to remake a call and see if they can fit Bennett with the Nostalgia Critic. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Eventually Cinema Snob comes up with a plan and loyal lackey to The Nostalgia Critic named Film Brain overhears them and relays what they said to The Nostalgia Critic. The Critic Tasks Film Brain to bring the Cinema Snob for a trial. It’s not so much a trial just The Critic banishing The Cinema Snob however if I were in there I’d be nudging everyone to attack. I mean he’s not holding the detonator, they outnumber him a dozen to one, there’s nothing stopping you! You can overpower him! COMMON FUCKING SENSE PEOPLE! UGH! That night Ma-Ti visits the Critic and tries to force him to listen to reason. But remember this is the Nostalgia Critic, the guy who made the movie “Twister” fun for me to watch but thought making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a smart move. But elsewhere the rest of our group decide to unleash Dr. Insano, which had been subtly suggested that Spoony should unleash. But again I think this lacks Common sense plus Insano is INSANE! Oh well Insano is set onto the Critic and the two brawl it out and while it is well choreographed to me and a rare comedic highlight in this pile of shit to me it lacks sense, if you wanted to stop the Critic, Why Insano? If they were worried that he would detonate the dynamite bringing in someone like Insano would be a bad idea! He’d probably try to take over after defeating the Critic and Insano would eventually try to rework what they wanted, which comes to fruition but the Critic and Insano use electric science boogaloo in which ends with Dr. Insano losing and having a gun pointed at his forehead. Linkara and Benzaie try to reason with him as Insano calls forth Santa Christ who I hope does something Rational! (The Nostalgia Critic kills Santa Christ before cutting to James looking in shock at what just transpired.)

TLOTA: YOU JUST KILLED SANTA CHRIST! (Cut to the movie as they try to resurrect Santa Christ with the “I believe in Santa Christ” chant from Cameos of lesser known Thatguywiththeglasses.com personalities before the Critic says “That did nothing, Toss him!” then cutting to a dumpster being closed! Before cutting to James.)

TLOTA: AND YOU DIDN’T DO A GOD DAMNED FUCKING THING TO DO SOMETHING SMART TO SAVE HIM?! (James smashes his fists onto the table and shouts “FUCK YOU!” demonically as it cuts to stock footage of Nuclear explosions before cutting to James sitting in his chair exhausted before looking out the window then cutting to see the devastation before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Sorry. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So after Insano fails as I kind of knew the dumbass would they turn to the only person left to mount an attack, Linkara. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AGAIN, OPPORTUNITIES TO STOP THE CRITIC WHEN HE DIDN’T HAVE THE DETONATOR AND YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! At this point I hope something a little funny happens. Even if it’s simple as someone tossing a banana peel to the Critic and him falling comically. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And even though there are maps on Molossia, Linkara uses a board from the game “Risk” just to bring in James Rolfe as Board James. Let’s all hope he doesn’t turn out to be a complete Psychopath! But any way I guess killing Santa Christ was all the necessary push for Film Brain to turn on the Critic because now he wants the Critic’s head on his Mantelpiece! But the plan is in place and three days later the team FINALLY ATTACK AND CORNER THE CRITIC! ABOUT GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING TIME! Even the Cinema Snob returns to help drop The Nostalgia Critic like a bad habit!

Cinema Snob: I thought you were Insano?

Spoony: Eh, I got better. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AT THIS FUCKING POINT, I DON’T CARE THEY COULD SAY A TAP DANCING ELEPHANT BUTTFUCKED SPOONY BACK TO NORMAL! LET’S GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After beating the Critic to a pile of Hamburger, everyone fights over the fucking running the micro nation when THANK GOD Santa Christ tells them to give the land back to Baugh. But the Nostalgia Critic still has the Detonator to the Dynamite but it doesn’t work because the Snob disconnected the trigger and after a second beating The Critic tells Baugh the land is all his again and did anything important happen at all in the hour and half wasted?

Nostalgia Critic: NO!

TLOTA (Voiceover): And just like that everyone walks away disappointed. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Just like people who watched this…this… GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMN PIECE OF SHIT SUCKING SCUMCOCK! (Cut to clips of Kickassia as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And what’s worse is that they could do better than this shit! The plot what little of it is a halfcocked bad impersonation of a Family Guy Episode. The Common sense got flushed down a shitter 10 seconds in. Maybe after a few more views I might enjoy this pile of cock cum but for now this special is not worth the fucking dynamite to send it to hell!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And hope for the love of fucking god that next year they do something intelligent. If not, my battle at the beginning will be a fun day at the park. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James walks away frustrated as scene fades to black)