Saturday, June 14, 2014

One year older, One year "Dumberer"


(Scene starts in a room of a castle filled with knights played by many of the male actors from “GLEE” when one of the knights who look like Chris Colfer runs in.)

Knight 1: My fellow knights, the Armory has been raided someone has taken the King’s sword and the Gem of Eternal power!

(The knights rush to the Armory when the Stable Clerk who looks like Naya Rivera gets the Knights attention.)

Stable Clerk: My lords, the king’s horse has been taken from the Stable. (The knights rush to the stable where they find an empty stall, the lead knight who looks like Matthew Morrison turns to address his fellow knights.)

Lead Knight: The tracks look fresh, all knights take ride and find this person alive. I shall inform Lord Tharagan. (The knights salute and mount up to find the person while the lead knight walks out of the stable and walks to the Castle and as he does he says aloud “What fool takes our king’s sword, gem and Horse?” as Camera Zooms out to reveal Caliverti as musical cues from the opening of “The Name Of The Doctor” plays including the regal theme of Gallifrey as a title card reads “Caliverti, Before the revolution” as scene cuts to a zooming horse running then scene cuts to the woods where Treayco Malocote preparing for a night which will never happen as a horse neighs as it stops and Treayco turns to see the Kings horse and the rider is revealed to be a maiden for Tharagan’s pleasure who looks like Lea Michele.)

Treayco Malocote: I know of you, you are a maiden of Tharagan, why are you here?

Tharagan’s Maiden: I’m sorry Treayco but I’m afraid you must do something against our new Lord and Master. (Scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Scene changes to see Lea Michele falling into a tunnel of fire & wind) I feel like I’m shattering into a million pieces, living a million different lives but one thought remains! (Scene changes to Linkara’s old house as Lea looks on as Mechakara turns Linkara into ground hamburger from a rail top)I have to help those who review on the Internet. (Lea grabs a phone shouting for 90’s kid, Ninja Style Dancer & Harvey Finevoice to help Linkara defeat Mechakara from “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” episode of “Atop The Fourth Wall”. Then show clip a woman fully disguised in black behind the Irate Gamer fiddling around with a rifle trying to talk to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and putting a bullet through The Irate Gamer and unmasking herself to be Lea Michele) Especially the first man who fell for me because who I am inside, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. But no matter how they differentiate they all in some way influence one another. (Show clip of Nostalgia Critic “Scooby Doo” episode in which Lea’s hands throw lightning into The Nostalgia Critic’s head and he comes to the conclusion.) I feel like I’m running every second just to help all of them. (Show clip of the Angry Video Game Nerd apparently dead as Lea Michele places her hand over the right side of his face and whispers “These games are more than just your burden, they are what you can show what people must avoid. Return and embrace the games, not just play them.) All that time, just to help them! (Scene cuts to Cinema Snob running and Lea shouts “CINEMA SNOB!”  then proceeds to run to the Cinema Snob just to Jump to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans as he opens up a can of whoop ass on those from Channel Awesome during the “Kickassia” invasion as it appears Film Brain comes charging up to James when Lea clocks him with a Cricket Bat knocking him unconscious.) James I think rarely sees what I do. (Scene cuts to James drowning while Emmalina in Mermaid form looks around when Lea as a mermaid points Emmalina to James’ direction then Scene cuts to James and “Karen” from TMZ.) But sometimes I think James does see. (Scene cuts back to Lea falling through the tunnel of flame and wind) My life began on a leaf! (Scene cuts to Lea Michele’s parents who are expecting their daughter when a leaf blows off a tree and onto Lea Michele’s mom initiating the labor process then cuts to Lea’s father as he holds their daughter for the first time.) I’m still riding the breeze that sent the leaf on its way and I don’t think it’ll ever stop. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele falling through the tunnel of flame & wind.) The world knows me as Lea Michele. But I am The Impossible and I’m going to save those who review on the internet, especially….

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and…(Thinks to himself) Hey, I’ve been doing this for a year now! It’s an anniversary review! (Show fireworks display with the audio to “Ode To Joy” playing in the background then cut to James again.) One year has come and gone, it feels like yesterday when I reviewed the unholy abomination that was “The Even Stevens Movie”. So what am I going to do to commemorate this event? I could review another unholy piece of Cinema starring Hollywood’s talent enema Shia LaBeouf, Another DCOM or for funsies I could review another Carey-less Sequel. Well let’s see, I tolerate DCOMs for the sake of my nieces so that leaves a Shia Shitnema and a Carrey-less Sequel. But what if I were to merge both into one. (James bends down and finds “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.) Abandon all hope ye who watch! (Show “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd title and clips from the movie while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Oh boy, ladies and gentlemen for those who thought “Son Of The Mask” was the worst. “Dumb & Dumberer” carries that distinct title for me anyway. Why? Because they casted Satan’s scrotal sloppy seconds Shia LaBeouf! (Image changes to Shia LaBeouf while James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): However I should point out that I have nothing bad against him as a human nor as a director. (Changes to footage from “Howardcantour.com”) I actually found him competent as a director in Howardcantour.com. What I didn’t like was how he portrayed internet reviewers. Believe it or not we’re all not those sad sacks of human waste that slam everything that we don’t like. My buddy Rowdy is a sports enthusiast. I’m an uncle to three nieces. Linkara doesn’t just sit in his apartment tearing apart bad comic books, he has something close to a life as do the 99% of all of us internet reviews. That is the only problem I have with “Howardcantour.com” otherwise “Howardcantour.com” is a really great piece of work from Shia as a director. Any acting job he has is possibly so bottom of the barrel, I’d rather take Tommy WIseau performing Shakespeare and I’d rather watch a marathon of Adam Sandler than anything & everything featuring Shia LaBeouf. (Cut to James physically) But seeing as how I’ve got no other choice but to endure his annoyance in a Carrey-less sequel all I can say is hang on for dear life and keep the Lysol on standby we’re entering the big pile heading down to the 666th level of Dante’s inferno, This is “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd”. (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins with Harry being born against his will then becoming so much of a nuisance that 911 have decided to never to answer any call from the Dunn household. Eventually Harry’s mom played by Mimi Rogers decides to let Harry played by Derek Richardson attend public school. Ho Boy let’s just pray he’ll do better there than The Chipmunks did. (Show clip from “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” of Simon & Alvin jumping at The Jocks then cuts to the outside and screams of agony are heard and one Jock crying for his mommy then back to James doing a voice over.) On his way to School he meets up with Lloyd Christmas played by one of the few actors from this movie to have a career after this Eric Christian Olsen (Show pic of the Olsen Twins from “Full House” and Babs & Buster Bunny from Tiny Toon Adventures audio say “No Relation” then back to movie with James doing voice over.) So our “heroes” and I say that with no hope that these two will be useful at any point in this find their way to school and the first thing that happens is that the duo find themselves hung up by their underwear at the top of the flagpole which helps the motive of the principal played by legendary actor Eugene Levy to use a big amount of cash set for the education of Special needs children and using it to buy a condo in Hawaii. So the Principal assigns Harry & Lloyd to assemble students for that includes no one from the back room. (Cut to clip of James wearing a Fez guffawing while jumping around in a circle, The Rowdy Reviewer walking into a wall face first then go backwards into the same wall over & over again, Film Brain putting globs of globs of Mayonnaise into a toaster, Lea Michele dressed like a crazy person spinning around in a chair, Linkara in the “Fat Grandma” wig waddling and Scott Disick dressed like Brick Tamland moseying and shouting “I’m riding a furry lawnmower!” over & over again then cut back to James doing a voice over the video clips)

TLOTA (Voice over):  So Tweedle Derp & Tweedle DURH enlist several big students including the stereotype bully, the big name jock, the smart Asian & the only person who rightfully deserve to remain in “Special Needs” classes Shia LaBeouf! The fact that so many known people from the different cliques are now in the “Special Needs” classes catches the attention of the smart, preppy & good looking female investigator student Jessica played by Rachel Nichols to investigate the legitimacy of the whole thing.

(Powerful explosive noise shakes the video footage and shaking continues as scene changes to James falling out of the chair.)

TLOTA: The Hell was that?

ORAC: The shielding you had set up has been deactivated. Scanners indicating the energy is equal to…

TLOTA: To what?

ORAC: You know who it is.

TLOTA: The Wicked. (Scene cuts to James coming out of the vault from below with the ring, gem, sword & amulet on him.) That Sumbich is looking for me and I can’t wait to finish this. SHOW YOURSELF! YOU COWARD! LET’S FINISH IT! (Earth shakes and James shakes in the same direction.)

The Wicked (Demonic Audio only): Did you think I would’ve attacked you when you had all your faculties? Remember your friend at that Karaoke bar that Halloween night? (Show clip of Rowdy Reviewer’s JFK review intro when he says “I remember a karaoke machine, James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & Lea Michele wanting me to dress up like that punk boyfriend of hers on “Glee”” then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) I had him after my associate turned him. (Show clip of “Murked” Rowdy trying to take away all the color in the world then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) Had it not been for his sister, I would’ve taken over the world more quickly. (Show clip of Slacker sis, Wrestling Mark & the Cats stopping “Murked” Rowdy reverting him back to normal then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) And let’s not forget that you nearly succumbed to me (Show clips of Spider-Man Trilogy reviews from James falling down and his head hitting the bed and then the floor then James grabbing Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy and the pain intensifying with each movie until James’ eyes are glowing with a black flame cutting to James getting blasted with Lea Michele’s Sonic Screwdriver then cutting back to James listening to The Wicked) Had it not been for that blasted sonic screwdriver, I would’ve gotten to you.

TLOTA: Well I remember what happened after that. So can you face me or are you THAT big a coward. (Dark smoke expel from the walls until it takes physical shape of Jane Lynch)

The Wicked: Surprised.

Jane Lynch (Off screen): Actually… (Camera pans to Jane Lynch)

Jane Lynch: I like James, I just can’t stand to see him die because he makes Lea happy. (Jane pulls out sonic concussion blaster and shoots point blank range at The Wicked sending it down the hallway.)

TLOTA: Oh-Kay! What just happened?

Jane Lynch: You left your laptop open back in the green room. (Scene changes to Jane Lynch looking at James’ laptop and seeing her connection to Tharagan.)

Jane Lynch (Voice over): Surprisingly knowing I had a relative that you defeated should’ve made me side with that thing. But when Lea saw that I wanted to show you & her that I’m not a bad guy. (Scene cuts back to Jane & James)

TLOTA: All right but how did you get here? (Scene changes to Door next to thermometer as a glow intensifies then subsides as 0:00-1:01 minute mark of “The Majestic tale (Of a madman in a box)” play in the background as Lea Michele wielding her sonic screwdriver. Darren Criss wielding a lightsaber, Naya Rivera wielding a pair of Nunchuks and Chris Colfer wielding a pair of Katanas step out of the glow walking up to James and Jane)

The Wicked: Well, I have to admit. I didn’t see this coming.

TLOTA: Enough talk. Let’s Rock! (James, Lea, Naya, Darren, Chris & Jane come at The Wicked and overpower it momentarily as The Wicked slams its left foot scattering everyone then walks to James as “The Majestic tale (Of a madman in a box) from the 1:01 minute mark until the 2:28 mark when James is flung back to his room and is barely alive.)

The Wicked: Oh to have come close to defeating me but to be defeated himself. (The Wicked forces its hand through James & ripping strands of light out of him. The Wicked laughing in demented joy as everyone around looks in shock as James is barely alive.) With this, I will make victories into defeats, life will become death & all that is good shall be reviled! (The Wicked turns to energy warping the strands of light and the strands flicker. Scene changes to Linkara being beaten into Ground Beef in his “Power Rangers Zeo” AT4W episode then AVGN being beaten like a bitch by ROB the Robot in his 100th review then The Nostalgia Critic’s Scooby Doo review as the Earth shakes uncontrollably then Malicia beating Rowdy in TV Trash “Electra Woman & Dyna-Girl” episode then cuts back to James struggling to get to his knees trying to crawl to the strand of Flickering light.)

Lea Michele: James, what is it?

TLOTA (Barely Audible): Time line.

Chris Colfer: What did he say it was?

Jane Lynch: I think he said “Timeline”

Naya Rivera: I heard that as well.

Darren Criss: What is this “Timeline”?

TLOTA: The timeline keeps time proper (Groans in agony) now that The Wicked is in it everything is being rewritten. My fellow Internet reviewers are being destroyed anything good they have done and any good they could’ve done is all gone. I feel so weak. (James falls and is still conscious but is in pain as “The Long Song” plays in the background.) Get me there and I can stop it.

Jane Lynch: It could kill you.

Lea Michele: Not if someone sacrifices themselves to reverse the damage.

TLOTA (Groaning): NO! (Lea kisses James and starts to run to the timeline intercut to the others screaming silently LEA! & NO! Lea Michele continues to run as The Earth shakes and she dodges the debris & jumps into the timeline at the 2:51 mark of “The Long Song” and James misses her by one fraction of a second as Lea turns around as she falls to let the last thing she sees being James by 3:35 mark of “The Long Song” Lea disappears into the timeline. Scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames and “Remember Me” from the 2:00 mark plays while Lea Michele does a voice over.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Show scene of Lea Michele grabbing the Zeo Gold Power staff as Linkara shouts for it and Lea running like “The Flash” to hand Linkara the Zeo Gold Power Staff and watches from the background as Linkara beats Mechakara in Linkara’s Power Rangers Zeo AT4W review.) I just know I’m running. (Scene changes to the planet Psychlo as a squad of Psychlos prepare to invade earth when Lea pops up out of nowhere with a nuclear bomb and Lea shouts Psychlos GO TO HELL!) It’s like I’ve lived so many different lives and have been in so many different places. I’m born, I live & I die. (Scene changes to Lea looking at a weakened Blockbuster Buster with Lazarus Dark possessing Dr. Affect when she uses her Sonic Screwdriver to split Dr. Affect & Lazarus Dark and the battle moves forward as Lea places her right hand on Dr. Affect’s face reviving him in Blockbuster Buster’s “Planes” review then cuts to random moments from TV Trash, Nostalgia Critic, AVGN and other Internet reviewers intercut with Lea Michele being thrown around in the tunnel of flames) Always running, saving all of them again & again & again. (Scene cuts to James & “Karen” at TMZ) They’ve never seen me. (Scene changes to the hand maiden of Tharagan in the same place with Treayco.) But I’ve always been there, moving everything forward all the way from the beginning.

Tharagan’s maiden: I’m sorry Treayco but I’m afraid you must do something against our new Lord and Master. He killed our true king. Stand with the rebels. Keep the gem with you and harness its power. Take the horse, it’ll get you home quicker. Hopefully you’ll be able to save your family. (Treayco rides off to hopefully save his family from Tharagan’s forces while Lea Michele does a voice over.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): Right from the day everything happened. (Scene changes to the set of GLEE and people running for their lives with Lea just standing as the people run around her and the camera does a 360 pan around her which is intercut with James holding the Sword of Caliverti with the 360 pan around James.)

Lea Michele: Emmalina…(Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal thought): If you can hear me… let me have enough strength to send…(Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: The plot hole back. Let him have that strength…(Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal thought): And I will amass the group of warriors you need…. (Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: To help you save Caliverti. (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal Thought): Emmalina….(Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: Let James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA (Internal Thought): have… (Scene cuts back to Lea.)

Lea Michele: that… (Scene is split between James’ left side of his face and Lea Michele’s right side)

TLOTA (Internal Thought)/ Lea Michele: strength! (Scene cuts to the tunnel of flames)

Lea Michele (voice over): The world knows me as Lea Michele. But I am The Impossible and I’m going to save those who review on the internet.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

(Scene cuts to the outside of the front door and James being thrown out of the front door landing on his back and James scrambling for his life as camera cuts to the front door and Naya has rage in her eyes)

Naya Rivera: YOU KILLED LEA! NOW YOU MUST DIE! (0:19-1:05 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James is hobbling for his life and Naya keeps pace until 0:42 mark from “Stop” by Jane’s Addiction is heard as James hobbles to his truck and Naya smashes the windshield forcing James to hobble back to the house, closes the door until the 1:05 mark happens when from out of nowhere Roman Reigns spearing James and Naya stands over James who looks like he’s been through hell.) Give me one reason why I shouldn’t finish you off! (James looks as if he is about to die as Naya has her chucks set to club his brains raises them in anger when a surprise catches them all off guard.)

ORAC (Audio only with a hint of hope in its voice): LEA MICHELE IS STILL ALIVE!

Naya Rivera: What said that?

TLOTA: ORAC is it true?

ORAC (Audio only): Using her baseline DNA extrapolated from her Sonic Screwdriver I scanned for traces of her throughout the timeline, project estimated so someone can access the timeline will be for three hours.

TLOTA: Then let’s get to work & TO HELL with the review. (James is about to enter code to begin the rescue effort to find & save Lea Michele when Jane pulls him out of the chair.)

Jane Lynch: We’ll take care of this, do the review.

TLOTA: Thanks. But I have to know why you tried to kill me with a chef’s knife?

Jane Lynch: Well that’s funny before I was thinking about who was going to be on “Hollywood Game Night” and then I looked in and it felt like something dark was taking over my mind saying “Kill Him” over & over again. The strange thing is yeah you’re a conservative republican & I don’t like you but as long as Lea likes you, I’ll tolerate you. Is that good?

TLOTA: Good enough for me.

Chris Colfer: Back up! Did she call you a “Conservative Republican?”

TLOTA: What? Do you guys think all republicans have Swastika armbands, blond hair, blue eyes and fair skin and carry copies of Mein Kampf, the Bible & the Necronomicon Ex Mortis? (Jane, Chris & Naya nod yes) JESUS H. CHRIST! I HATE IT! HATE IT WHEN HOLLYWOOD STEREOTYPES US AS THOSE TYPE OF ASSHOLES!  BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I AM A CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN! But that does NOT mean I hate minorities or hunt for Bambi because I’m a redneck idiot! The truth is I have friends of every racial, sexual & religious credence and I do NOT hate on them! The reason I hunt and fish is for food! I don’t hunt Bambi when I hunt, it’s for Bambi’s sacrifice. I see it & Bambi is letting me know that this one is either too dumb or too old or inferior to be of any use to us, put him out of his misery and I DON’T KILL DOES FOR A REASON! IT’S CALLED KEEPING THE SPECIES ALIVE! You know what you guys get working on helping ORAC, I’ll work on the review. (Show James grabbing a Sonic Screwdriver and opening James’s closet door revealing ORAC and placing it on the nightstand next to Naya)

Naya Rivera: That’s ORAC?

Chris Colfer: Looks so old it takes dial up.

Jane Lynch: Where is the coffee heating function?

ORAC: Your attempts at levity fall flat! (All three jump back in surprise.)Now if you’ll excuse us James, we have work to do as do you!

TLOTA: Right you are, now where was I?  Oh yeah, the actual Hero of this clunker. (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So Jessica asks Harry to assist her, Harry mistakes it for her wanting to get into bed with her and Harry asks Lloyd for how to woo Jessica. He suggests the usual schmaltz of Chocolate & Flowers which leads to one of the few good comedic moments primarily by Bob “I’m glad for my R-Rated Stand Up Act & How I met your mother” Saget!

Jessica’s Dad: Oh my god! HE SHIT EVERYWHERE! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE! DAMNIT! THERE’S SHIT ON MY WINDOWS! OH MY GOD! MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT! HE SHIT EVERYWHERE! LOOK AT WHAT HE DID! HE SHIT ALL OVER THE WALLS! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE! (Scene cuts to James)

TLOTA: That’s not the only thing that’s full of shit! (James points to the movie)

Chris Colfer (Audio only): You said it Nazi boy! (Audible smack) OW!

Naya Rivera (Audio only):  Leave him alone! If he wants be a goose stepper like his Furher that’s his choice. (Audible smack) OW!

Jane Lynch (Audio only): Will you two pipe down we all have work to do! (Cut to footage and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that rare moment of truth about this movie. Our duo head out for slushes. Why? To annoy the hell out of Brian Posehn! (Show clip of the two of them playing tag until Brian Posehn yells at the two to get out of his store.) Meanwhile it appears Jessica flipped like a pancake to ask Lloyd for help. Why not ask the both of them to help? Oh yeah so it can cause tension which is resolved when Lloyd steals a stuffed Polar Bear from The Museum to make the DUMBEST looking clothes ever! But then again when someone’s intelligence rivals Tapioca Pudding looking dumb is the least of your problems. Meanwhile our intrepid hero Jessica discovers the principal’s plans to take the funds for the “Special Needs” classes and use it to buy the condo in Hawaii. Surely she’ll get someone smart, brave & Intelligent. (Show clip of Harry & Lloyd listening to Jessica.) Or two guys who can’t outsmart a slug. But surprisingly they get the evidence and broadcast it on a float for a President’s day parade, OUR HEROES ladies & gentlemen! Let’s wrap this up quickly! So neither Harry nor Lloyd get the girl, something that will be the theme of their lives. The Principal and his accomplice are dragged away to state prison. Harry’s mom winds up with the Janitor. We meet Fraida Felcher and her twin sister, yeah who knew she had a twin sister, The Felcher sisters ride off covering Harry in mud and we get our only other funny moment in this clunker. (Show clip of Jessica’s dad shouting and ranting about his car being covered in poop then cuts to James physically.)

TLOTA: And that’s “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd” THE WORST CARREY-LESS SEQUEL! (Cut to clips of the movie and the original movie with Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels and James doing a voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over): I mean it folks, this movie was a chore to get through. The characters are lame and surprisingly the least lame was Shia LaBeouf which isn’t saying much, the two actors who they got to replace Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels weren’t bad but all they were nothing more than cheap carbon copy cardboard cutouts. The story is lame, the humor is awful in comparison to the original and there was little to like. Was it nice to see how the two became friends and know what was going to happen to them? A little. But overall between Shia Hamming it up, a bad script and lame characters this movie had DEAD ON ARRIVAL written all over it. But does that mean I dislike the original? HELL NO! I loved how the dumb comedy was intelligently written which sounds like an oxymoron, I loved the chemistry between Jeff Daniels & Jim Carrey and for all intent and purposes The Farrelly Brothers hold no Ill will towards this film, the cast or the people who worked behind the scenes. But The Farrellys are going to try & rectify this by making a sequel starring the original duo which is slated to be released by the end of this year. I hope that movie makes amends for what I’ve sat through. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & that’s (A loud explosion shakes the room) A really big explosion! Excuse me! (James runs out to find out what that was.) THE HELL WAS THAT?

ORAC: The timeline is now ready to receive someone and will pull both Lea and whoever else is going in.

TLOTA: That’s going to be me. (“Infinite Potential” plays as James lays down his rifle, his bandoleer of Sonic Screwdrivers, The Ring Of Aeon, The Sword Of Caliverti, Emmalina’s Amulet & The Gem from the Gauntlet “Malachite’s Hand” & pulls out the card by Stevie Swigart featuring the statistics of James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans out of his Megaforce Morpher and lays them down reverting back to James Faraci and looks at Jane, Naya & Chris who have tears of hope in their eyes)

James Faraci: I’ll bring her back, I promise. (James walks into the timeline disappearing as Jane, Chris & Naya continue to cry tears of hope as bright lights blind then scene changes to Lea Michele’s eyes opening to reflect flames and Lea Michele doing a voice over and the musical cues from the last four minutes of “The Name Of The Doctor”.)

Lea Michele (Voice over): I don’t know where I am! (Scene changes to Lea Michele falling into a tunnel of flame and shadow)I don’t know where I am going or where I’ve been. I’m going to save those who review on the internet and I know they’ll be safe, Including James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. The World knows me as Lea Michele, but I am the impossible & my story is over! (Scene cuts to a cave full of smoke and flame as Lea falls to the floor then stands for a bit.)

Lea Michele: James? (Lea looks around and shouts JAMES?!) Somebody help me, I don’t know where I am!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Lea, you can hear me. I know you can hear me.

Lea Michele: I can’t see you!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): You’re inside the timeline and the timeline is now centered on me. (Lea looks at younger versions James Faraci pass by her.)

Lea Michele: I can see you, I mean when you were younger and all these people with you. Who are they?

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Those people are part of my past, every good day and every bad decade! (James Faraci groans in pain, the ground shakes causing Lea to fall down.)

Lea Michele: What’s happening?

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): I’m inside the timeline, it won’t last long.

Lea Michele: THEN GET OUT JAMES!

James Faraci (Audio echoing similar to mind meld used in the 2009 Star Trek movie): Not without you, I’m sending you something, not from my past but from yours look up! (Lea looks up and notices the leaf.) This is where you began and everything you will be lies within it, take it! (Lea grabs the leaf floating in the air.) You began on THIS leaf! Hold on to it and you will help you find your way back! (Lea walks around for a few seconds.)

James Faraci (Audio only): LEA! LEA! TURN AROUND! I’M HERE! (Lea Michele turns to discover James Faraci.)

James Faraci: Its okay, I’m here to get you out of this place!

Lea Michele: How?

James Faraci: Because it is impossible and because of you I BELIEVE in the impossible! (Lea walks to James as James continues vocally.) How many times have you helped my friends? How many times have you helped me? Now JUST THIS ONCE! (Cuts back to James physically) JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT! LET ME HELP YOU! (Lea continues to walk to James.) You have to trust me, it’s really me, just ONE MORE STEP! (Lea embraces James and the two kiss.) LEA! MY LEA! (James continues to kiss as James looks over her left shoulder to see a figure from the backside that shakes James to his core and causes James to refrain from Lea as the two looks at the same backside.)

Lea Michele: Who is that?

James Faraci: No one you need to know, now let’s get the hell out of here!

Lea Michele: But who is it?

James Faraci: It’s a reason I’m here, now let’s get the hell out of here!

Lea Michele: But I saw so many people with you all of them making you who you are! You’re James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

James Faraci: I said it’s a reason I’m here, but he is not the reason I am James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.

Lea Michele: I… I don’t understand!

James Faraci: My name, My REAL name is James Faraci, but that’s not important. The name I chose IS The Last Of The Americans. The name you choose is a promise to yourself to be someone and he broke his promise! (The two continue to look as Lea begins to faint.) Lea! LEA! LEA! (James groans as he catches Lea Michele.) He is someone I wish never to remember again!

The Figure: What I did, I did without choice.

James Faraci: I know.

The Figure: In the name of what was right and what was Just.

James Faraci: But not in the name of Hero! (James carries Lea Michele back through the tunnel as the figure turns around to reveal Bruce Campbell’s face and title cues reading “Introducing Bruce Campbell as Hero”)