Saturday, May 17, 2014

Studying a "Squeakquel"


(Scene starts with James Faraci & Lea Michele walking into a green room on the set of “Hollywood Game Night”)

Lea Michele: Well, I hope you’ll be comfortable here while I shoot a couple of episodes of “Hollywood Game Night”.

TLOTA: As long as Jane and I stay at least five hundred Kardashian egos which is the distance from here to Sullivan County New York everything should be copacetic. (Lea rolls her eyes at James) Oh come on, the last time her and me were in the same proximity she had a chef’s knife with my name on it and she was preparing to baptize it in my blood!

Lea Michele: I told her to keep her disdain for you in check, that is the only way I would sign on to do this, please, PLEASE try to be civilized.

TLOTA: I’ll do my best, I make no promises. (Jane opens the door to the green room)

Jane Lynch: Hey Lea. Hello James.

TLOTA: Jane

Jane Lynch: We’re starting in five minutes and… (A delivery guy who looks like Jamie Kennedy taps Jane Lynch on the shoulder)

Delivery guy: The security guard said you were here and I wanted to drop this off.

Jane Lynch: For the love of crap, (Signs on the dotted line) thank you. You don’t mind if I leave this here and you won’t touch it.

TLOTA: Depends, why don’t you open it now?

Jane Lynch: Fine. (Jane opens the package and it shows the Sword of Caliverti with James being shocked.) This is going to be on my mantelpiece on set.

TLOTA: LIKE HELL IT WILL! SWORD OF CALIVERTI, COME TO ME IN MY AID AGAINST THE FORCES OF DARKNESS!

Jane Lynch: Oh like that’s supposed to… (Sword flies out of the package and into James’ left hand.) WORK?! (Sword glows white as electricity courses through James morphing him into The Last Of The Americans while the nine second fanfare opening from the short lived 2011 Thundercats series plays from the time the sword flies into James’ left hand morphing James into The Last Of The Americans to James doing fancy sword play until James places sword into a scabbard and James takes a breath of relief.)

TLOTA: Okay, you’ve got one chance to answer me, where did you get this?

Jane Lynch: Online from EBay, The guy I purchased it from had the handle of “Ed Thwicke”.

TLOTA: “Ed Thwicke”? Can I see the address slip? (Jane hands James the address slip.) Well according to this, it’s my post box number in Neversink New York and if I take the letters of “Ed Thwicke” and rearrange the letters we have “The Wicked” YOU PURCHASED THE SWORD OF CALIVERTI FROM THE WICKED?

Jane Lynch: I had no idea… (An assistant knocks on the door and says one minute to filming.) Look, I didn’t know who or what “The Wicked” is and if I had known it was yours I would’ve burned it into oblivion. But for Lea’s sake, I apologize.

TLOTA: Okay, I’ll accept your apology now the two of you get going, filming starts in thirty seconds. (Jane Lynch & Lea Michele run out of the green room and James makes himself comfortable in the Green Room and turns on the Skype to contact Rowdy but his cat Cecil picks up.)

Cecil: Oh hey you’re our bosses’ buddy uh…

TLOTA: James.

Cecil: That’s the one, listen, if you want to talk to Rowdy, he’s kind of out of his mind and left TV Trash.

TLOTA: Yeah, I’ve noticed as of late he’s been… well…. not his usual crazy self but rather a darker shade of cuckoo in fact everything has been a darker shade of everything. Look if you guys need me to fill in at any time the door is open.

Cecil: We’ll keep that in mind.

TLOTA: The point of this call is to let him know the sword has been secured once again and I need him to go to my place to activate ORAC and send that message and I need ORAC to find anything on “The Wicked” and see if ORAC can fix this mess. I’m talking references, history, associates any little thing that has to do with “The Wicked” I want to know.

Cecil: I can send either Sam, Garfield, Perkins or Jeannie to help.

TLOTA: Thanks Cecil, I appreciate your help and I’m hoping Chris will be back to his Rowdy self soon. I’ll talk to you later.

Cecil: See ya James. (James shuts off Skype and notices something under the package. James picks up the thing which is a copy of “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel!)

TLOTA: Well, I knew this one was coming.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own & some of yours. (Show clips of early days of Alvin & The Chipmunks while James does a voice over) In 1958 Ross Bagdasarian Senior created a novelty gold mine by adjusting the speed of the recording to sound like chipmunks. So much so he created Alvin, Simon & Theodore “The Chipmunks” and their fictional father Dave Seville. In 1961 Alvin & The Chipmunks made their Animated Debut in “The Alvin Show” then in 1983 Ross Jr. was able to convince NBC 11 years after Ross Sr.’s death created “Alvin & The Chipmunks” with Ross Jr taking the reins and Playing Dave and all three Chipmunks and his wife Janice playing three new characters for that series “The Chipettes” female counterparts to the Chipmunks. Then in 2007 Ross Bagdasarian Jr. helped produce a live action movie starring Jason Lee as Dave & Justin Long, Mathew Gray Gubler, Jesse McCartney pointlessly voicing Alvin & The Chipmunks. (Cut back to James in the Green room) I mean it’s as pointless as hiring John Laurinitis to actually run a pro-wrestling company properly (Skype ring) Excuse me! (James opens Skype and sees “The Wrestling Mark”)

The Wrestling Mark: NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT ASSHOLE AGAIN! HE DROVE RAW & SMACKDOWN INTO THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL!  (Skype shuts off and James has a look on his face of honesty.)

TLOTA: I’ll give him that, he’s been taking things hard since Schlock Lesnar beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. (Show clips from 2007 “Alvin & The Chipmunks” movie while James does a voice over) The movie wasn’t bad we had a good parody of what it’s like to be a young entertainer in this century thanks mainly to Jon Vitti of The Simpsons fame being the primary writer. (Cut back to James in the Green room) I don’t however think it was worthy of a sequel but apparently it was made so here we go! (Show “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” title card and clips from the movie while James does a voice over) I wish I could review this chunk of chipmunk crap properly but it has been reviewed, skewered, sliced, diced, chopped, minced, julienned, shredded and slammed every which way & day from Sunday. (Cut back to James in the Green room) So instead of reviewing this as usual, I am going to in fact study this movie and see if I come to the same conclusion that all my internet brethren have come up with. So let us study “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”. First off who signed off on naming this thing “The Squeakquel”?  How long did the writers think that title up? (Scene cuts to four Writers portrayed by James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Matthew Morrison & Harry Shum Jr.)

Writer (J): How in the hell are we going to write this sequel when we can’t get a title for it?

Writer (M): Well, we better get something otherwise we’re history!

Writer (H): T-minus two minutes before LeBron comes and kicks our asses!

Writer (C): How about Alvin & The Chipmunks vs The Chipettes! I think it’s time we brought them into the franchise.

Writer (J): Dude, YOU ARE A FREAKING GENIUS! (LeBron from “Dragonbored” as portrayed by Fard Muhammad walks into the room)

LeBron: Okay you four horsemen of stupidity where’s my “Alvin and The Chipmunks” Sequel?

Writer (M): Actually thanks to you, we’ve got a title you can pitch to the heads of Fox. It’s called “Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”

LeBron: I helped inspire the title.

Writer (J, C, H and M): Yes sir!

LeBron: Good, I knew I could motivate you four nimrods into working hard!

Writer (C) (through gritted teeth): What about the Chipettes?

LeBron: What did you just say Short, Dumb & homely?

Writer (C): We’re going to put the Chipettes into the franchise!

LeBron: The who?

Writer (C): The Chipettes, they became a part of the Chipmunks under the co-productions with Ruby & Spears productions & Warner Brothers.

LeBron: But These Chipettes are they owned by that Bagdasarian guy?

Writer (J, C, H and M): Yes sir!

LeBron: Good! Use them! Oh and any poop eating scenes and you’re fired!

Writer (J, C, H and M): Yes sir! (Door slams shut and all four take a sigh of relief. As scene cuts to footage from the Open credits of “Squeakquel” and James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Now let us now study the opening and the story as… (Audio of Alvin laughs and then says “We’re BAACK! Then cuts to James Physically). OH KAY! If I were reviewing this as usual and families were seeing this review guess what parents would be saying to the kids. (Show clip of Jayma Mays & Matthew Morrison try to calm kids hiding behind the couch crying and saying a serial killer is coming to kill them. Then cut back to James doing a voice over.) After that moment where parents would turn off the movie and put on something else we see the Chipmunks performing at a concert when…

Alvin: Dave! Look Out! (Dave turns around to see a gigantic cardboard cutout of Alvin heading his way.)

Dave: AALVINNNNNNNNN! (Loud crash and explosion)

Alvin: Dave! Dave! Dave? (Cut to James physically with his jaw on the ground!)

TLOTA: JEESUS CHRIST MOVIE! We’re barely three minutes in and you try to kill Dave played once again by Jason Lee or did Jason Lee not like the script so the writers were forced to re-write this clunker!

(Scene cuts to four Writers portrayed by James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Matthew Morrison & Harry Shum Jr.)

Writer (H): Well, Jason Lee’s people just contacted us. He didn’t like the draft we wrote.

Writer (C): And after all the episodes of “My Name is Earl” we wrote for that ungrateful bastard. Let’s write him out or Kill him one of the two. (LeBron passes by to hear they were going to kill Dave in the second movie and stops in the doorway.)

LeBron: Listen you little pile of anal chocolate, you can’t kill Dave! That was part of the deal we have with the Bagdasarians either put him in a hospital or let him walk away with minor injuries! And that note goes to the rest of you hacky sacks!  You got it!

Writer (J, C, H and M): Yes sir! (LeBron walks away with a smile on his face)

Writer (M): How did he get this job?

Writer (J): Heard some Scandinavian guy named Jimbroth got him in through a hostile takeover!

Writer (C): Let’s get back to getting this movie written! (Cut back to James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA: So Dave made arrangements with his Aunt Jackie to look after the three and for them to go to school.

Chipmunks: School?! 

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: As in a school full of humans?  Wouldn’t be like putting The Big Show up against Verne Troyer in a match? (Cut back to James doing a voice over.) So the three are sent back to Los Angeles to stay with Dave’s Aunt Jackie and her grandson Toby played By Zachary Levi and… (Show clip of Aunt Jackie going down the stairs at the Airport)

Simon: Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!

Alvin: Abandon Wheelchair! (Show clip of Aunt Jackie being fine after landing then going down more stairs and being in the line of a cart from the airport and cuts to see the Chipmunks reacting and James physically looking as if he just saw the worst thing happen to him…EVER!)

TLOTA: How far along are we in this? (Show cover of DVD and a bell goes ding and time appears saying nearly seven minutes in then cut back to James physically) Heaven help The Chipmunks with whoever is going to take care of them now. (Show clip of Aunt Jackie being wheeled away and an arrow points at Toby then cuts to James Physically) Oh The Chipmunks are going to be in worse shape by the end of this than I will! (Cut to clips of the movie with James doing a voice over.) So Theodore has a nightmare that the Chipmunks weren’t a family anymore and then…(Show clip of Toby farting under the covers and Theodore trying to get out after farting and gasping for air after getting out alive then cut back to James physically) Well it was a hundred times better than having to watch Simon eat Theodore’s poop. (Cut to clips of the movie with James doing a voice over.)  So The Chipmunks attend their first day in school at West Eastman High School. Wha?

Eagles’ mascot: GO EAGLES!

Theodore: EAGLE!

Eagles’ Mascot: GO EAGLES! (Theodore screams as the Eagles Mascot soars then crashes as The Chipmunks look in horror and James’ head rests comfortably on his right shoulder and a look of shock on his face.)

TLOTA: We’re only fifteen minutes in and so far three people are injured to the point they’re in the hospital and out of this movie! WHO HELPED WRITE THIS THING? (Scene cuts to four Writers portrayed by James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Matthew Morrison & Harry Shum Jr and with them is Johnny Knoxville played by Uncle Yo AKA Carl Kuster)

Johnny Knoxville: So we take Dave and shoot him out of a cannon through a brick wall into a bathtub full of elephant splooge! Then we take his remains and grind them into The Chipmunks’ Chili. Then we get Simon a flamethrower and he can eat his stupid brother’s remains. (Johnny Knoxville continues to ramble on disgusting things as the four back out of the room and bump into LeBron)

LeBron: So I’ve taken you four nimrods learned how NOT to do Physical comedy in a movie.

Writer (J, C, H and M): Yes sir!

LeBron: Good! (LeBron walks away with a smile on his face)

Writer (J): Let’s see what we can do to salvage this, shall we?

Other three writers: Okay.

 (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

TLOTA: You may have noticed in the Study of this movie, I have YET to study to music. Well simply put, I followed in my buddy The Rowdy Reviewer’s footsteps when it comes to bad music in a production and drown out the horrendous covers. So while you are listening to (Show clip of “Put Your Records On” being sung by The Chipettes then cut back to James.) Oh and by the way YES I am Creeped out by the fact that they Introduce The Chipettes voiced pointlessly by Christina Appelgate, Anna Faris & Amy Poehler in the buff while Ian played again by David Cross is in a kimono fighting rodents for any scrap of dignity he can get by not putting this on his resume. But musically This is what I’m listening to (Show clip Chipettes singing “Hot N Cold” with the audio cut out so “Louder” by Lea Michele can be heard. Cut to James with a pair of ear buds on him that’s connected to a CD player and his getting down.) What? (Pulls out a copy of Lea Michele’s album “Louder”) Every track in album this is awesome! (Cut to movie with James doing a voice over) Besides I’m studying the story of the movie and so far the story is Psychotic! Especially when Alvin & The Chipmunks are the biggest things at the school and the jocks who are assholes decide to pick on the biggest pop stars on the planet according to the movie. So much so when the jocks attack Theodore Simon and Alvin well (Show clip of Simon & Alvin jumping at The Jocks then cuts to the outside and screams of agony are heard and one Jock crying for his mommy then cut to James physically.) And now the reaction by every guy myself included is to buy protection for our SACK OF NUTS! (Cut back to the movie and James doing the voice over)  Well given the choice between suspension and performing at a concert to save their school’s music program. The Chipmunks decide to perform at the concert which makes the news and gives Ian the idea to send The Chipettes to the same school to A) Undermine the Chipmunks and B) Set up the conflict between The Chipmunks to be fighting amongst themselves and The Chipettes. But wouldn’t you know it, The Chipmunks & Chipettes decide to keep it cordial until the competition which may end up not happening as the Jocks offer Alvin a chance to join the Football team after a Gym Class with dodgeball. Huh? (Show clip of Alvin on the football field.)

Alvin: I’m taking you down Jennifer!

Football player: You’re the one going down rat face!

Alvin: I’m gonna crack you like an Acorn & eat you for dinner with some Fava Beans & a nice Chianti! (Alvin Smacks lips & cuts to James with his head in his hands.)

TLOTA: Oh god, A “Silence Of The Lambs” joke and not just A “Silence Of The Lambs” joke. THE most recognizable line from “Silence Of The Lambs” is used for the joke. Look, I’ve seen NFL games where there is some trash talk but never, NEVER have there been any references to “Silence Of The Lambs” at least when I’ve seen The New York Jets play. (Cut back to movie with James doing the voice over) So because Alvin was stuck at the football game Alvin couldn’t make it to see who would sing in the competition and The Chipettes win by Default Ian used the footage from the competition to see who would sing at the concert to convince an record exec to give the Chipettes an opening spot at a Britney Spears concert the same night the concert for the music program and Ian forces them to sing at the Britney Spears concert in effect without saying a word telling the Principal take your music program and shove it! So much so that Ian has the Chipettes caged up like their male counterparts were in the first movie. So the competition starts, we get some sub-par Radio Disney acts, an appearance by street dance troop “Quest Crew” while Alvin rescues the Chipettes with help from Digger the NASCAR Gopher, take control of the toy chopper Ian had in his control and to buy time so Alvin & The Chipettes can make it to the concert Toby who has been USELESS throughout the whole movie decided A) Buy said time for Alvin & The Chipettes & B) to sing about how he feels to the Music Teacher. (Show clip of Toby singing and embarrassing himself and the music teacher then cut to James sitting in the green room) So all this time being as useless as you were to the plot and the story when you sang on stage your feelings. How did you justify acting the way you did? (Show clip of Toby singing about how he was shy then cut to James physically imitating a buzzer) WRONG! ASSHOLE! IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A (James slams a fist on the table and a cash register dings then a sign pops up with the words Fucking Loser!) FUCKING LOSER! (Show movie with James doing a voice over.) Saying that you’re Shy, Shy my nerdy ass! You hid behind gamer lingo, awkward actions and every stereotype of every gamer type. Though to give the writers’ very little credit to him they do try to make Toby try his hardest to do as Dave asked to make sure they went to school and try to make Toby kind of likable!  (Cut to the doorway of the green room as all four writers portrayed by James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Matthew Morrison & Harry Shum Jr walk into the doorway.)

Writer (J, C, H and M): Thank you! (Cut to James in the green room on the couch.)

TLOTA: Don’t mention it and I MEAN don’t mention it! (Cut to the doorway of the green room as all four writers portrayed by James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Matthew Morrison & Harry Shum Jr walk into the doorway.)

LeBron (Audio only): WHERE ARE THOSE FOUR EIGHTH-WIT HACKS?!

Writer (H): Here comes LeBron, Every man for himself! (The four writers portrayed by James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Matthew Morrison & Harry Shum Jr run like hell in opposite directions as LeBron makes it to the doorway of the Green room and James walks towards the doorway of the Green Room.)

TLOTA: Can I help you?

LeBron: You can tell me where my four witless pieces of garbage I call writers are so I can get them to write “Alvin & The Chipmunks 4”

TLOTA: I’m not sure where they went but I think someone is waiting for you at the end of the hallway. (LeBron looks down the Hallway. Scene cuts to Karl from “Dragonbored” with a sword at the end of the hallway)

LeBron: YOU?! WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM HAPPY MEAL?

(Scene cuts to Karl screaming at the top of his lungs and LeBron screams as James closes the door and scene cuts to the inside of the Green room and James listening in with a disturbed look on his face)

Karl (Audio only): You want a merger proposal! HERE’S YOUR FUCKING MERGER PROPOSAL! (Screams of pain and agony are heard. As James walks away from the door, LeBron screams out “You’re beating me to death with my own Pancreas! How can you be beating me to death with my own pancreas? Is that even possible? And more grunts and groans are heard as are more screams of pain and agony. Then cuts to the movie with James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So to wrap up this study of this movie. Let us study the ending as The Chipmunks & Chipettes perform together. Dave after making very brief cameo pieces returns just as their performances save the school’s music program. Toby and the music teacher finally hook up or at least I think that’s what happens. We see Ian be humiliated by pretending to be The Chipettes all three of them god that’s disturbing, get thrown into a trash bin. The Jocks forced to clean the bleachers and Dave… (Show clip of Dave slipping on Alvin’s Skateboard.) winding up back in the hospital. (Show clip of the screen going to black and Dave screaming “AALVINN!” then cut back to James physically in the green room.)

TLOTA: So after watching and studying this movie, I think it’s safe to say the study is conclusive. This movie was barely tolerable. (Show clips of “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” with James doing a voice over while the 1980’s “Alvin & The Chipmunks” intro music plays in the background.) I honestly wanted to like this movie but everything that worked against the first went into this one a hundred fold. You want to make sure Alvin winds up head first into a juicer, The human characters that act as antagonists are about as stupid as stupid can get. The story, the plot & numerous sub plots are weak because even if they lost the competition The Chipmunks will still be world famous though there might’ve been loss of some credibility, I’m not sure who is at fault but I do agree with Todd & Film Brain that the smartest person was Jason Lee who sat out this one though his straight man antics were missed and that the slaughter of good music is just unbearable! (Cut to the doorway of the Green room as Lea Michele walks in and sits next to James.)

Lea Michele: Sorry I haven’t been around to check in on you. How have you been?

TLOTA: Fine just studying this. (James pulls out a copy of “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”) Nothing else happened as far as I remember.

Lea Michele: Well why does the hallway look like a murder scene?

TLOTA: Well remember when I told you a guy popped out of my copy Skygard you got me for a let’s play.

Lea Michele: Yeah

TLOTA: He enacted his revenge.

Lea Michele: Yeesh! Look anyway, someone was disqualified and they need a replacement player and I told them you were available and would it be a problem for you to go and be on “Hollywood Game Night” with me? (James kisses Lea.) I’ll take that as a yes?

TLOTA: Is the Pope Catholic? (James & Lea chuckle and Skype ring plays Lea looks at James with concern.) I’m sorry duty calls. Listen when do you need me?

Lea Michele: Five minutes

TLOTA: Be there in four. (James kisses Lea)

Lea Michele (Whispering into James’ ear): I knew I could count on you. (Lea walks out of the green room. James opens Skype and ORAC is heard.)

TLOTA: Alright ORAC what’s happening?

ORAC (audio only): I have sent the message “The sword has been secured again”, however the loss of color is something I cannot tell what has happened but I have found known associates of “The Wicked”. (Show screen of multiple rogues from all over the board from Professor Stupidiot, Malicia, Lord Vyce, Mechakara, Turl, Zod, Dr. Insano, Diamanda Hagen, Douchey McNitpick, Lazarus Dark, Danapholi and then cuts to James looking at the screen as it takes time to load the final photo as scene cuts to an assistant at the door of the green room and tells James he has two minutes.)

TLOTA: Excuse me, Duty calls for the woman I love. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion. (James stands as “The Majestic tale of a madman in a box” from 0:00-0:46 plays in the foreground as James walks onto the set of Hollywood Game Night then cuts to the 3:41 mark of “I Am The Doctor” which shows the monitor on James’ laptop continuing to slowly show the photo James had left and begins to show Blonde Hair slowly then a forehead and then finally revealing all of the face at the 3:51-4:04 mark revealing it to be Jane Lynch and it shows a genetic link between her & Tharagan with the word Warning flashing and a siren going off.)