Saturday, April 5, 2014

Far from "Bogus" but not that great


(Scene starts with James sitting around with a pondering thought on his mind as ORAC shouts silently then slowly gets louder to James)

ORAC: JAMES BENJAMIN FARACI! (James jumps and snaps back to reality)

TLOTA: Sorry ORAC, I had a lot on my mind. What’s going on?

ORAC: I said the project is just about finished and nearly ready for use and Lea Michele is on the Skype, do you wish to answer?

TLOTA: Hmm Oh yeah, of course. Hey there what’s going on with you? (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: Shooting the finale. Can you believe they cut the fifth season by two episodes? (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: Well think of it this way, you’ll get more of a chance to plan a summer tour. You could play “Bethel Woods” here in Sullivan County. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: Well I did set up a concert there on the twenty eighth. Maybe you & I can meet there. (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: That’d be great because A) It’s my birthday & B) there’s this hotel there that’s having an internet convention and I’m having a panel with my associates. (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: Well I hope to see you at the concert. (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: I’ll be there with time to spare. Oh speaking of time my project is just about finished and you know as much as I like to… (Scene cuts to Lea Michele in her trailer.)

Lea Michele: You can’t save Cory because it would cause irreparable damage to the Time Space Continuum and I know that just do me a favor don’t forget the twenty eighth be there. (Scene cuts to James.)

TLOTA: I will not. I love you and I’ll see you there. (James shuts off the Skype) ORAC How much longer before it’s ready?

ORAC: Approximately three hours at the least. Might I suggest you review something?

TLOTA: Well there is this one film I wanted to talk about. But in the meanwhile engage the new intro.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Show clips of “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” while James does a voice-over) In 1989 a little movie called “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” starring two little known actors named Alex Winter & Keanu Reeves and legendary comedian George Carlin became a monstrous hit at the box office. The story was simple. Teens go back in time. (Cut to audience saying “BACK TO THE FUTURE” and James visually appears) I know! (Cut back to clips of “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”) As I was saying Teens go back in time to pass their history exam in a time machine that looks like a phone booth (Cut to audience saying “DOCTOR WHO” and James visually appears) NO KIDDING!  (Cut back to clips of “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”) Needless to say chaos in the Space Time Continuum ensued as the two passed their exam and won the heart of two princesses from Medieval Times and because “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” was a success a sequel was quickly made. (Cut back to James visually) Was it good or was it truly bogus. Well, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to know. (“God gave Rock & Roll to you II” by KISS plays in the background as “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey” opening credit show as well as clips from “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey while James does a voiceover.) “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey” has a good concept but it doesn’t execute it properly. The acting isn’t god awful but neither is it academy award worthy. The story is an interesting idea but isn’t handled with the pathos it deserves. (Scene changes to James visually) But don’t take my word for it, let’s check out “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey”

TLOTA (Voice over): So our movie begins in the far future of 2691 and we see our villain played by Joss Ackerland and for and for future references I’m going to be making a jar for all the “Lethal Weapon 2” jokes I’m going to be making as well as any Keanu Reeves jokes as well. Joss plays a leader of a terrorist cell which is kind of odd seeing as how utopic the future looked in the last movie.

DeNomolos: It is time. They have reached the second crucial turning point in their destiny. Their message is about to reach millions. But…We will change that. When our mission is successful, no longer will the world be dominated by the legacy of these two fools! No longer will we hear this: (performs Air guitar). WE WILL STOP THEM NOW! BROTHERS & SISTERS ARE WE READY? (Group arm their guns)

TLOTA (Voice over): So after that moment of unnerving fear. We find Rufus once again played by the late George Carlin teaching a class at the “Bill & Ted University”. Yes the two behind Wyld Stallyons have their own university. However school gets cut short as the terrorists take over and surprising Rufus in the middle his class and discovering something surprising.

Rufus: De Nomolos, My old teacher!

De Nomolos: Rufus, My favorite pupil! (Cut to James visually)

TLOTA: Rufus was the leader of the terrorists’ former student?! What else are they going to throw our way? (Cut back to movie as Bill & Ted reveal they are underneath the cloaks to the class and the two saying “How’s it going dudes?” then cut back to James visually) De Nomolos convinced Bill S. Preston Esq. & Ted “Theodore” Logan to join the terrorists?! (Show clip of Bill & Ted revealing their robotic heads as James does a voiceover saying “I SERIOUSLY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW…WHAT THE HELL?!”)

De Nomolos: Friends, friends, friends. These are automatons. Replicas only, furnished with my agenda. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Whew, that’s a relief. Wait no it isn’t. (Cut back to James doing voice over the video clips.) So De Nomolos’ take over the world scheme includes killing Bill & Ted before they make their big universe changing speech but Rufus has other plans as he hitches a ride with the robo-duplicates. But enough plot for now as we cut to present day San Dimas Wyld Stallyons have gotten in by the seat of the pants into a battle of the bands hosted by Pam Grier. That night it’s their Princesses’ birthdays and apparently Missy divorced Bill’s dad and married Ted’s and then after the party Bill & Ted propose to their Princesses & things look up. That is until Bill & Ted’s robo-duplicates land outside the same Circle K from the first movie. There De Nomolos lets the two mechanical doppelgangers that Rufus hitched a ride but got lost in the circuits of time. Feeling confident Rufus is gone for good De Nomolos tells the two to proceed with the plan. Their first step is to dupe the real Bill & Ted into thinking their ladies are leaving the band then ditch the booth in the circuits of time meeting up with the real Bill & Ted and take them to Vasquez Rocks to kill them. As the two are about to die the real Bill & Ted discover their doubles are robots right before Bill & Ted get thrown off where the Command Center will be.

Robotic Bill & Ted: Catch you later Bill & Ted!

TLOTA (Voice over): So yeah, Bill & Ted are dead! I have this weird feeling we’re doomed. (Show clip of the two opening their eyes and James reacting with a Huh look on their eyes. Then cutting back to the footage.)

Dead Ted: Bill, where are we?

Dead Bill: Ted, We’re dead dude. (Cut to James visually)

TLOTA: Well that’s a relief. Wait no it isn’t! (Cut back to James doing voice over the video clips.) So the two meet the Grim Reaper played by William Sadler but the two Melvin death and get back to San Dimas just in time to see their robotic duplicates ruin their relationships with their Princesses and overhear their plans to kill the princesses. The two then decide to visit & Posses Bill’s dad and an unwilling detective. After that plan doesn’t work they decide to meet Missy and her New Age friends in a séance which doesn’t end well for them. (Show clip of Bill & Ted in different angles over a black background as the scene cuts back to James visually) They’re going to be doing that for a while. I’m going to take a break.

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

TLOTA: Well it’s been some time. Let’s see how far along they are. (Show clip of the two playing 20 Questions)

Bill: Are you a mineral?

Ted: Yeah.

Bill: Are you a tank?

Ted: Whoa yeah, Good one! (The two land in hell)

TLOTA (Voice over): So the two wind up in hell where combined they have to face off against Col. Oates and separately their own fears. Bill being having to kiss his grandma played by Alex Winter on the lips and Ted being a demonic Easter Bunny. With no other option the two have one choice to return from the great beyond face off against the Reaper, after delaying the two by trying to make them lose at Battleship, Clue, Electric Football though no one wins that game anyway and finally beating the reaper at twister despite the odds. But thankfully the two remember their robotic doubles put them six feet under the first time. So before returning to earth, the trio go to heaven to find the smartest scientists in the galaxy who are named Station. So the five of them come back to earth with a plan. Create good robotic doubles to exterminate the evil robotic doubles. Meanwhile De Nomolos gets the two evil robot doppelgangers back on his schedule which includes getting them to the Battle of The Bands, kidnapping the princesses and preparing them to be killed meanwhile Station merge into a superstation to build the good robotic duplicates and just in time at the battle of the bands is occurring where Primus is playing. Just as the evil robots are about to do the evil thing guess who comes to ruin their plan!

Good Bill: Hold it right there!

Good Bill & Ted: We’re Wyld Stallyons.

TLOTA (Voice over): So the real Bill & Ted bring their good robotic doubles take down the evil robot doubles. (Show clip of the two good robot Bill & Ted busting through the wall while an audio clip of a pair of Daleks shout “EX-TER-MIN-NATE!” repeat as the evil Robot doubles get reduced to scrap metal.) But as the two celebrate their supposed victory. De Nomolos busts in the stolen time booth and a laser screwdriver to hijack the program and to execute the two on televisions all over the globe. But thankfully the two have the booth as an ace in the hole.

Bill: After we get away from this guy, we use the booth, we time travel back and set up the things we need to get him now.

Ted: Whoa Yeah, like what?

Bill: Like a sandbag. (Sandbag lands on De Nomolos’s gun.)

Ted: Excellent, Then We’ll get a cage. (Cage lands imprisoning De Nomolos)

TLOTA (Voice over): De Nomolos not being an idiot decides two can play this game.

De Nomolos: Once I have vanquished you. I will go back and set up this key. (Shows key and unlocks cage.) And another gun. (Gun pops out of nowhere and flag saying Wyld Stallyons Rule!  And metal version of “Words Win Wars” play as the two gloat about defeating De Nomolos and Ted’s dad arresting them.)

TLOTA (Voice over): So as if things weren’t weird yet it turns out Ms. Wardroe is actually Rufus and De Nomolos was actually a Gym teacher. That’s right, we nearly got ruled by a former gym teacher. But as Bill & Ted prepare to take the stage. Bill & Ted take the booth to get themselves fully ready. Then the two say something incredible.

Bill: Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve been to the past. We’ve been to the future.

Ted: We’ve been all around the afterlife.

Bill: And you know…

Ted: The best place to be is here

Bill: And the best time to be… is now. And all we can say is...

Bill & Ted: LET’S ROCK!

TLOTA (Voice over): And with that one statement everyone starts to come together in peace and harmony and the world became a better place. (Cut to James visually) So that’s Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey and is it Bogus? Surprisingly no! (“God gave Rock & Roll to you II” by KISS plays in the background as James does a voiceover) Is the story poorly executed? Yes but it is well paced. The acting isn’t atrocious but neither is it Academy Award worthy.  The special effects are great for the time but by today’s standards aren’t spectacular but in my opinion they’ve aged better than Spider-Man and that came out over a decade after this. But if you want to know it's not a great film but if you can’t find your favorite film and there’s nothing good on TV I'd say give this a watch. (Cut to James visually) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.  (Cut to ORAC)

ORAC: James, I have finished the project.

TLOTA: Excellent. (James grabs Sonic Screwdriver and walks to the thermometer to bring up a copy of the TARDIS behind the door next to the thermometer.) Seriously? ORAC, I needed this to look inconspicuous.

ORAC (Audio only): According to data banks “Doctor Who” had been off the air for two years so this will look inconspicuous for the time.

TLOTA: Okay, You did your best and it will function I hope.

ORAC (Audio only): It will function as you requested. Where are you going, if I may inquire?

TLOTA: I’m going to observe how Lea is able to handle my insanity by looking and not getting involved in any way. (James dials numeric code that allows a door to open and inside a slot James takes two keys out and initiates the time device by turning the keys as the same way to activate a nuclear bomb and a white light flashes as scene changes and music cues from the opening of “The Rings Of Akhaten” which shows the origin of Clara plays in the background as Lea Michele’s parents are expecting their daughter when a leaf blows off a tree and onto Lea Michele’s mom initiating the labor process. James hails a Taxi for them incognito. The miracle of life occurs and Lea is born and James sees in the back as Lea’s father holds their daughter for the first time. Then flashes forward to when she is a little kid as she watches a stage performance and James watches Lea in her audition for “Spring Awakening” in the background. Then flashes forward to the Audition for “GLEE” with Cory Monteith and seeing a glimmer of James as he quickly disappears as Cory asks who she saw and she replies no one. Flashes forward to reading James reading News report of Cory Monteith’s death as James looks from a distance as Lea claims Cory’s body before James walks back to his time machine.) Nothing. Why does she remain calm under such incredibility?

ORAC: James check out the footage I have found. (James goes to a monitor to discover enhanced video & audio in the background of Turl’s threats to the Nostalgia Critic from the “Battlefield Earth” review as enhanced audio has Lea Michele shouting “Psychlos! GO TO HELL!” as she presses a button to blow a Nuclear bomb as Turl says Uh-Oh in the background. Then cuts to Linkara as he is down in the dumps after being beaten by Lord Vyce the first time after reviewing “Care Bears” comic to whisper into Linkara’s ear what to do behind a shroud of invisibility and then cuts to Rowdy one month after the “Heil Honey I’m Home as Rowdy looks at what’s on TV and notices he is disgusted by TMZ with Lea whispering “Go for it!” in Rowdy’s ear and Rowdy gets to work as James looks on with an incredulous look on his face.)

TLOTA: But how can she be doing this? Wait, do you have visual of where Lea was when the P.H. incident occurred?

ORAC: Accessing it now. (James checking out people on the set of GLEE running for their lives when James notices Lea just standing there.)

TLOTA: Can you enhance the audio as to what she’s saying?

Lea Michele (Audio only): Emmalina, if you can hear him let him have enough strength to send the plot hole back. Let him have that strength and he will amass the group of warriors you need to help you save Caliverti. Emmalina, Let James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans have… that… strength. (James moves monitor away.)

TLOTA: She IS the Impossible!