How to survive in a Horror Movie

  (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and quarantined and Halloween is still happening and that's the most unbelievable part of 2020! (Cut to different horror movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I get why Halloween is still going on, that even though the world is no longer the way it once was we should have enjoy the scary slasher, spooky monster, bizarre type of movie that we need to see these type of stereotypes of people going through these types of fake horrors and I like them as escapist entertainment during these hard times. But the stereotypes seem to have become a punchline especially in advertising (Show GEICO Horror Movie Stereotypes ad. Cut to James as he facepalms himself.) 

TLOTA:
Yeah, this type of thing has been in there since Time immemorial with the Horror Flick as well as most horror movies but ask yourself this, If you were in the same situation, would you survive? Actually the question is If you were in a Horror movie, How would you survive? (Cut to clips of Horror films as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
For starters you'd have to have some common sense, in most cases is to be armed, heavily! I mean you'd give Rambo and Ted Nugent inferiority complexes. That is something best known from the Zombieland movies. Also to Double Tap the creature or monstrous murderer! Something else is to be well informed in mythos and lore. That is where the character of Luke in "Dracula II: Ascension" & "Dracula III: Legacy" which are straight to DVD sequels to the Wes Craven "Dracula 2000" is best at. He's aware of Vampiric Lore even though he cannot rescue the woman he loved and the team members that strangely are either embracing what they're doing and what they're becoming. Also important is to come up with plans that have contingencies, that is where someone like like the people around Ash from the Original Evil Dead Trilogy in the "Ash vs The Evil Dead" tv series is at his best. Though granted he occasionally has one or two gems but otherwise he follows another trope, the survivor with PTSD who knows what's going on yet they are shunned by normal people, that's the kind of guy to listen to. That is where more or less the one trope I think is perfect. Listening to those who have been through what you're going through. Another thing that is essential to survival, having a source of water and stock up on food. That was something that was a plot point in the Apocalyptic Comedy "This Is The End" the need for food and water for survival and of course finding belief in god and doing enough good in your life or coming clean with yourself can get you to heaven.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: 
And even though survival is key in such situations, what happens to those who do survive what do their lives become. (Cut to "Halloween (2018)" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is where the tale of Laurie Strode, after numerous reboots and sequels that are no longer in cannon has gone to in the Halloween 2018 soft reboot. Her life no longer is about any emotional value, she has no joy or sadness in her life. She's disconnected from the world, disconnected from her family and disconnected period! The positives is that she was prepared in so many ways for Michael Myers return. She isn't scared to be honest about certain feelings towards certain things especially Michael Myers. That is also a double edged sword, the backlash of being a survivor means everyone thinks you're not mentally well and Laurie suffers from that reputation but it's the mentality that saves her daughter and granddaughter and shows in Laurie's daughter when she makes the switch from fraidy cat to stone cold bad ass in a split second. So even though surviving Michael Myers' first attack left her scarred, it also left Laurie wiser to who she could be and what she could be and what she needed to become to stop the evil of Michael Myers. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Then there is the only major negative to surviving, Survivor's Guilt. (Cut to clips of Horror films as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Even after surviving, you eventually come to a sad revelation of that every breath you take is one your friends didn't can give you feelings that you shouldn't be there. But that differential is what kept you alive when everyone else fell was not as smart as you to realize the fact you have to be a lot smarter than the bad guy.

TLOTA:
So is Survival in a Horror is possible but is it worth it? I think so! (Cut to clips of Horror films as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Because being alive and seeing another day is better than knowing you were slaughtered by a monster in the last hours of your life. This is where being intelligent and having real common sense is worth it, especially if you're in the real world. It's easier than it looks but it's also a lot harder to live with what happened. But as long as you learn and the aftermath doesn't totally destroy you but instead makes you that much better as to who you are and what you want, learning to survive is the best way to get through any situation even against someone like Michael Myers, Freddie Kruger, Jason Voorhees, Norman Bates, Chucky and every other force of evil in a horror movie. (Show clip of Ash in "Evil Dead II" as he makes his sawed off Shotgun with his Chainsaw and says "Groovy!". Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Indeed Ash! Survival is Groovy! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

A "Zombie" "Halloween" Jubilee!

(Scene begins with a black background with the John Carpenter “Halloween” Theme intercut with the 1994 “American Gladiators” theme, cut to a Pumpkin with James’ pose carved into it taking up the left side with two thirds of the black background with the same text as in the Halloween movies as the words “The Last Of The Americans” appear for two seconds then the credits of “James Faraci”, “Paulo Fonseca”, “Rebecca Yaun”, “Nick Yaun”, “Brenda Fonseca”, “John Ross & Mike Santos”, “Renee Miller”, “Andrew Beach”,  “Ed Champion”,  “Eric Kurtzke” & “Olivia Horvath”. “Written & Directed by James Faraci”, “Edited by Eric Kurtzke”, “Produced by First Choice Productions” as the Jack O Lantern splits open to see James’ head. The camera holds on James’ head for five seconds before pulling back to see James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween mode in his room)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and seriously 2020 has been enough of a horror movie, should I even review one? Well, I guess after everything that has happened, a little fake horror is better than the decaquadrillion real horrors we have had to deal with this year. So let’s check out something that just screams 2020 and directed by someone that screams the subtlety of 2020. (Cut to an image of Rob Zombie as he holds a copy of both of his “Halloween” movies. Cut to James physically as he says “Perfect”. Cut to title cards of Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” and “Halloween II” as John Carpenter’s “Halloween” theme plays then cut to clips of both movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Considered a good remake and a sequel that somehow left more people polarized as to what in the hell Rob Zombie was thinking. These two movies were the most commercial and yet somehow the most Rob Zombie-esque projects, Rob Zombie would ever have. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And let’s get this out of the way Rob Zombie as a person I like, most of Rob’s Music I’m a fan of, his movies… Not so much and before I see one sociopath, let me explain. (Cut to Rob Zombie and images of his movies and music videos as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
First off, Rob Zombie the human being is an awesome person. He’s an intelligent person, a very astute writer, some of his songs like “Thunder Kiss ‘65”, “More Human Than Human”, “Feels So Numb”, “Dragula” & “Never Gonna Stop” are some of my all-time favorite songs and after some of his movies are a mixture of both Arthouse and Grindhouse. The motifs of his characters and plots are rather unique. Mainly the ones that glower in the darker and more demented side of humanity and instead of showing them in what many would consider the heroic light, Rob forces us to confront them and take a stand against these grotesques. However, I will be talking about the movies that polarized a franchise that seemed to keel over time and time again only to revive itself. (Cut to clips of “Halloween: H20” & “Halloween: Resurrection” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After the surprise success of “Halloween: H20” which purged the “Thorn Trilogy” from the continuity, Dimension Films were looking to cash in on the success. What happened was “Halloween: Resurrection” which ironically killed everything by turning Michael Myers into Busta Rhymes’ Bitch and tried to be with it by making it about teens in the Myers house livestreaming on the internet like “The Blair Witch” movie and giving it a “Reality TV” feel. Not helping is when Busta is treating Michael Myers the same way Bugs Bunny handles Elmer Fudd! And don’t even get me started on the ending of this trainwreck!  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So what can Rob Zombie bring to Michael Myers screwy psyche? Let’s find out as we take on The Rob Zombie versions of “Halloween” & “Halloween II” starting off with “Halloween” (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Our movie opens in Haddonfield, Ohio at the Myers house where… (Show Michael Myers’ homelife. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, we open up with forty minutes of Michael Myers’ childhood from Rob’s POV! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And I wish I was kidding on what’s happening but what apparently to Rob, Michael’s parents are Redneck monstrosities that even myself a Sullivan County Redneck can call trash! His dad is an abusive attention seeking asshole and his mom is… Sheri Moon Zombie and what does Rob have for his wife’s profession in this… (Cut to Michael’s mom in a Strip joint working the pole and the audience. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
No comment! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After getting into a fight with Juni from “Spy Kids” and I’m not kidding that is Daryl Sabara from all of the “Spy Kids” movies, Michael’s mom is called into deal with it as The principal played by Richard Lynch calls in the grooviest Psychiatrist in all the land Dr. Samuel Loomis this time played by Malcolm McDowell and as Loomis, The Principal and Michael’s mom argue over what to do with (Show moment of “Halloween” theme song being played) What in the… (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, I have to know if Rob was in the right frame of mind to make this movie and the sequel because… Why are you using the theme like this? (Cut to the moment of young Michael Myers as the “Halloween” theme plays)

TLOTA (Singing V.O.):
What is up with using the theme song? Like this, to me it feels all wrong! It should be used when Michael is an adult and slaughtering people in the mask, which to many feels like a natural…

TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh… Okay! Now I know why, because it shows how far gone he was, even as a little kid! So when the family slaughter happens later, even though it is supposed to be a series of “Shock Deaths” well it is one of those moments that everyone knows even those who didn’t see the original! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So Kudos to you Rob on trying to set the mentality of someone who was too far gone even as a kid, even when you could’ve gone down with how Michael was a willing cult member but I think you were one of those that saw the Producer’s Cut of Halloween 6 in a test audience and said “F this, This is too messed up for me, I’m outta here” and said to yourself when you would do this one not to use it as a crutch of a backstory for Michael. Awesome! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And as the inevitable murders of Daddy Myers and sister Judith with her boyfriend for some odd reason having the Michael Myers’ mask, Michael’s mom comes to see her holding the baby and of course the slaughter, and we see over time that Michael becomes obsessed with making Paper-Mache masks and going more into the quiet and dark character that we know just as his mom commits him permanently and eats a gun. We cut to seventeen years later as Loomis after years of trying to reach Michael now played by Tyler Mane who apparently Evil strength muscle enhancing medications as part of his diet, decides to let him go and one scene after calling Michael his best friend in a twisted way calls Michael in a classroom of students “The Face Of Pure EVIL!”  Kinda confusing there but no time to try and work that out as a deranged guard and his cousin decide that the mask making psychopath’s room is the perfect place to have their nasty way with a female mental institute patient, which leads to Michael killing the two and Danny Trejo who should’ve gone down fighting Michael but instead gets taken down way too easy, but that’s me talking and I digress, Michael makes his way out of Smith’s Grove and back to his old home and grabs the mask where The “Halloween” theme works a lot better at this point. We’re soon introduced to Laurie who is now played by Scout Taylor-Compton as we see her now as a well-adjusted teen having a normal life (Show clip of Laurie “Bagel Banging”, Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For someone who doesn’t know she’s related to a sadistic killer and if my twin teen nieces and their little sister ever did that, I’d give them the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth degrees! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And here while not shot for shot everything is the same, it becomes like the original “Halloween” but where Laurie is scared in the original, Her and her friends one of them being the Sheriff’s daughter is played by Danielle Harris from “Halloween 4” & “Halloween 5” call Michael out. And as Michael as big and monstrous as he is stalks and I do mean stalks Laurie, her friends, and his prey he does a really good job at it even in the darker scenes. Discovering Michael has escaped Loomis tries to warn the Sheriff played by Brad Dourif however it is in these moments that Rob mixes Halloween 1 & 2 as Loomis tells about how Michael’s little sister is the only one left and how the Sheriff took Michael’s little sister to a town away from Haddonfield to an Emergency room and discovered that the Strodes adopted the baby! The Sheriff’s daughter while holding her own against Michael is left in a pool of her own blood survives, we’ll get to that later. Michael takes Laurie to the Myers house, tries to get her to understand that he and her are related however Laurie doesn’t want anything to do with Michael, a chase ensues, Loomis appears to handle Michael with a few bullets, tries to get Laurie out of danger however Michael decides to try and crush Loomis’ head like a watermelon at a Gallagher Concert. Chases Laurie again through the house until Michael unleashes his inner Rated R Superstar Edge and spears Laurie. Laurie responds with an apparent bullet through Michael’s face! And the movie ends with a film of Baby Laurie and Michael taking care of her. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Rob Zombie’s Halloween and as far as a remake goes, it’s really well done! (Cut to clips of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While it’s not a bad remake, it does fall short when it comes to being as awesome as the classic. While it’s not a shot for shot re-fail like the Gus Van Sant “Psycho”, you can tell that Rob did his best to do what he needed to get people to remember what it was that they liked about the movie series. He didn’t add anything new, but he knew what to fix what was broken and leave the rest of it alone. While somewhat of a critical and commercial success, Rob was willing to leave well alone, the Production company that made this movie wanted a sequel and was willing to do whatever it took to get Rob back on board which also meant giving Rob complete and total creative control and the results? Well… (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
We’ll get into those results when we come back. Right now, I’ve got to prepare, I can’t help but feel as if something isn’t right. Like I’m going to be dealing with someone or something unusual and seeing as how 2020 has been, it’s not that far-fetched of a concept. (James walks away as the camera pans to the window on James’ left as a man in a Michael Myers mask then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” starts at the Mental Institute at Smith’s Grove where Michael’s mom once again played by Sheri Moon Zombie goes to visit… (Show clip of Michael and his mom talking about a white horse and how she is dressed in white. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
CLEARLY NOT MICHAEL! (Cut to clips of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” & “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The young Michael Myers in the first Rob Zombie Halloween movie looked the part, Daeg Faerch had a lot of the mannerisms of how a young Michael Myers would be like in Rob Zombie’s universe, he looked like he was going to friggin’ grow up to be a blood hungry sociopath, Chase Wright Vanek while similar looking doesn’t look anything like how Michael should’ve been. Was Daeg unavailable? Could they have cut out the scene? Well the studio would’ve if they had not given Rob total creative control which includes writing it which also means that this whole White Horse and Michael’s mom dressed in white talk is a plot point! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We then cut to when Laurie apparently puts Michael down at the end of the first movie and then Laurie, Loomis and Laurie’s friend are getting taken care of at the Hospital. Meanwhile two necrophile morgue workers talk about their fetishes when they get their Karmic bitch slap quickly when… (Show clip of the Cow and the Morgue Van as they slam into each other. Cut to James physically in shock.)

TLOTA:
HOW?! HOW?! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW?! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
How fast were these guys driving? How did they not see the cow? It’s not that unnoticeable and yeah, I have researched this, a van that size going the legal speed of Fifty-Five Miles Per Hour can do some damage to the cow but not enough to turn that Holstein into Hamburgers. But I digress, apparently Michael wakes up and gets back to murder the surviving morgue worker and walks towards a White Horse and his mom’s ghost dressed in white! And according to Rob, he had the idea of the White Horse was a great image and was looking for something significant to tie Michael to Laurie, Okay, I’ll roll with it for now. We soon see Laurie coalescing in the hospital when she asks for some aspirin, but a wasted Octavia Spencer cameo turns into a (British Accent): Message for You Laurie! (Show clip of Michael in the Hospital as he slaughters the poor nurse. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, again HOW?! HOW DID MICHAEL GET THERE SO QUICKLY?! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It’s not like somehow the white horse and his mom’s ghost gifted the dude with teleportation otherwise, this is just silly. Laurie tries to outrun Michael getting help from a security guard to get her out of dodge when Michael “Axes” the guy to move out of the way so he can finish the deal when we see that it is one of a plethora of bad dreams Laurie has had for two years as she has in the intervening time moved in with The Sheriff and his daughter! Uh, Quick question, did Michael kill the Strodes in the last movie? I didn’t see Michael doing it so…. Why did she move in? Was the Sheriff basically imposing his will and ordered Laurie to move in? Whatever. Apparently, the relationship between Laurie and the Sheriff’s daughter has taken for the worse and to be fair, it’s hard not to see why. Laurie doesn’t see her friend; she sees the scars Michael gave Laurie and the Sheriff’s daughter. She talks more in depth about it with her therapist played by the Late Margot Kidder. Good casting call there Rob. We soon find Dr. Sam Loomis basically having become well a Sellout as he wrote a book about the Haddonfield murders done by Michael and instead of dealing with Laurie, the Sheriff and his daughter he is appearing on TV Interviews one where he’s being heckled by both Chris Hardwick and Weird Al Yankovic, appearing at book signings and just being a dick while trying to capitalize on the infamy of what happened that night! So, remember the Concerned Dr. Loomis from the first film? (Cut to James as he shoves a still frame of Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Sam Loomis from “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” and shoves it ass first into a toilet as it flushes the audio of Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Sam Loomis screaming “What The Hell?! Jesus Christ!” is remixed to sound as if Dr. Loomis is underwater)

TLOTA:
Pretty much that. (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While at a speech Dr. Loomis is asked if Michael is alive when Dr. Loomis snaps and tells the audience to piss off because Michael is a corpse! Meanwhile Michael is found by a group of rednecks who of course act like assholes and after getting his ass kicked decides to mask up and go killing! While having Pizza with the Sheriff and her friend Laurie seems to be ill and her food tastes like of all things…dog! I thought they were having Pizza not Chinese! (Chorus of Boos are heard as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA:
Oh trust me, it was a ready-made joke, I had to go for it! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, like Halloween 5 there is a “Psychic” bond between Michael and a relative judging by the shared dreams they have, yeah… Just watch (Show the shared dreams the two have. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay apparently Rob had said in the same interview in which he talked about the White Horse stuff he was looking into the meanings of dreams but turned out to be well…what comes out of the White Horse’s anus! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After the shared Michael/Laurie dream sequence give people a raging headache, Loomis is confronted by a grieving father of one of Michael’s Victims at a book signing who whips out a gun which between this and of course the aforementioned tv appearance on a Talk show with Chris Hardwick and Weird Al, Dr. Loomis decides to get back to trying to get Michael. Meanwhile, like in the Original Halloween II Laurie discovers the fact that she and Michael are siblings. Laurie handles it well. (Show clips Laurie freaking out and leaving the Sheriff’s house and talking to her friends from work talking about how she’s Angel Myers. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For someone that has PTSD! And before I forget, this is something I need to dive into. The fact that Laurie has PTSD, that is something very few sequels to Horror movies get into, the scars of what happened to the survivors don’t go away easily and in this one, seeing Laurie just trying to get back to normal even though that’s gone out the window. So, to get her mind off the trauma of what has been going through her for the past three years, what do her friends do? (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Take her to a Halloween party and get plastered. While this might not seem to be the sane route, remember this is a Rob Zombie movie and sometimes the sane route isn’t the right one especially since Michael is killing one of her friends outside, Laurie is somewhat healthfully letting loose which comes to an end after seeing what happened when she comes home to see The Sheriff’s house demolished and the Sheriff’s daughter dead and the friend who took her to the kegger, dead as well. Meanwhile a trick or treater who is about my youngest niece’s age comes upon Michael and where is his parents? Knowing Rob, they’re compost, and the Kid is toast off screen! Though had it been my niece, I guarantee Michael Myers would be a smear of blood on my knuckles if he so much as comes a foot away from her! In the meantime, The Sheriff asks a deputy who has two days before retiring to stop by his place to make sure Laurie is okay which is just around the time that both The Sheriff and Laurie discover Laurie’s connection to Michael. Sadly, that deputy turns into Victim number 428 on Michael’s kill list. Laurie goes on the run with Shawn Wayland trying to help only for him to meet his maker, Michael then in some comic book levels of crazy, flips the car with Laurie in it! Michael grabs Laurie before the car goes kerblamo and The Sheriff is notified about the carnage that happened at his place. Loomis arrives but unlike last time The Sheriff is pissed to the point that he puts a gun at Loomis’ head for what Michael did, but he can’t do it. They all arrive at where Michael is but unlike the first movie, the Sheriff isn’t going to let Loomis in to solve the problem. The Sheriff and all the officers are going to go kill Michael the second he’s in range! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And here is where things get weird as there are two different endings to this one. The Theatrical one and the unrated one and I will talk about both endings starting with the theatrical one. (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Loomis walks in he sees Laurie apparently unable to do anything. Loomis tries to talk to Michael when Michael decides “Loomis has got to go!” and does so in a violent and savage manner. Laurie then slaughters Michael after being shot by a sniper and comes out in Michael’s mask as it cuts to Smith’s Grove as we see Laurie in the mental ward seeing Her mother and the white horse, meaning she’s finally cracked and is ready to pick up where Michael left off!(Cut to The Unrated ending as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now on to the Unrated and possibly the saner ending. Loomis tries to talk to Michael with Laurie again unable to do anything only for Michael to toss Loomis out a wall like he’s the friggin’ Kool-Aid Man and after 17 years of silence (in this movie’s timeline) Michael finally speaks saying only one word to Loomis “DIE!” which Loomis does and just like in Halloween 4 every officer with a gun mows Michael down with enough bullets for Ted Nugent to say “Even I think that’s too god damned much!”, Laurie steps out as well and the amount of bullets used to kill Michael is doubled as Laurie is gunned down and she apparently dies, goes to limbo which weirdly looks like the mental ward in Smith’s Grove and sees her mother and the White Horse meaning she is going to survive and pick up where Michael left off or she’s gone for good and this is where she will reside for all eternity. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now the theatrical ending has led to speculations and theories that Laurie did all the slaughter in this one. Except let me ask you this If Laurie did all of it…. (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
How in the hell did she get into the morgue van to kill the morgue workers? How in the hell did she kill the nurse? How in the hell did she kill that guard? How in the hell did she kill the rednecks? How could she slaughter her one friend while dancing at that party? How did she kill The Sheriff’s daughter? How did she kill the deputy, her other friend, the pointless Shawn Wayland Cameo and do all the stuff Michael did in the movie? How did she do all the killings in between “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” and This movie? I don’t think she’s that good a killer, I have to believe that Michael was back, and he did all the killings. And since they tried making someone like Michael’s niece into the next Michael at the end of Halloween 4, Danny Strode in Halloween 6 and now with Laurie it was their third attempt to makes someone else into The Shape that was Michael Myers which has not worked… AT ALL! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I know I might come off confused but given how this movie ended, it’s no wonder that people thought that this movie franchise was too far gone! (Cut to clips of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” & “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The first one is the better of the two but in terms of the quality of the “Michael Myers Halloween” Movies, but that’s not much. While it does follow a lot of the same beats as the first one, it gives some depth to Michael as it spends basically the first act trying to get us to know more about Michael that we already knew, he was a vicious sociopath as a kid and the fact he didn’t have a normal life meant that Michael was screwed no matter what happened. Malcolm McDowell’s performance as Dr. Loomis and Tyler Mane’s portrayal of Michael Myers were the some of the highlights of both movies. I felt that Scout did get what Laurie would be like as a modern-day version of Laurie Strode in the first one and what Laurie would be like after the onslaught in the second one. However, the second one is what polarized the fans more than the “Thorn Trilogy” & “Resurrection”. This was just a weird, weird, WEIRD movie! Now as I probably mentioned that Rob’s movies are a mix of Art House and Grindhouse and clearly the Art/Grindhouse influence was heavier in the second movie than it was in the first. The dream sequences left me confused as to what I was watching, the two endings based on which cut you like better may be to your taste but take my advice. Watch the first, skip the second. Why skip the second? Because it’s one of the FEW times that giving someone too much creative control was a bad thing. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion! (Scene fades to black as it cuts to James getting ready to take care of things for this year as per regulations during this crisis in New York State involving Trick Or Treating as “Laurie’s Theme” from the 1978 classic movie plays for the first fifty seconds. As James readies yet another protocol in the regulations “The Shape Lurks” plays as James looks around. With the last ten seconds of “The Shape Lurks” playing James closes a tailgate and sees a second reflection as the music cuts to the Jamellan/Colin Drum cover of the Halloween theme at the 0:50 mark)

TLOTA:
You know something, after the year I’ve had, I’ve been expecting you and this time you will NOT survive! (James roars into action kicking Michael Myers’ ass with every second left in the song throwing him into the cinderblock well cover, disarming him of his knife, beating him down like a martial artist and then pinning him down with camping spikes to the ground as the music ends) Okay, before I do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 1990’s  and what I plan on doing to the assailant of Rick Moranis, I want you to know when I’m done with you, it’s gonna take a DNA test to make sure I killed you Michael Myers! (James reaches down and pulls off the mask of Michael Myers and comes back up looking confused.) What the hell?! (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca with their heads in their hands, John Ross and Mike Santos sitting with their jaws agape, Eric Kurtzke sitting in disbelief, Renee Miller shaking her head as if to say “What were you thinking, James?”, Nick and Rebecca Yaun with their eyes bulging out of their heads, Andrew Beach puking his guts out, Ed Champion taking in everything James has said with a bottle of liquid and Olivia Horvath sitting having heard everything and trying to process everything she’s heard. Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
How was I supposed to know it was that schmuck from Chicago? He was dressed like Michael Myers! (Cut to everyone in their rooms yelling and giving James Tsouris for what he did to that schmuck from Chicago. Cut to James.) GUYS! I really didn’t want to say this but SHUT UP! Okay, as soon as the police arrived, I told them everything that had happened, I just got off the phone with the Hospital, it’ll be some time before he’s back to his dumbass self! (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca)

Paulo Fonseca:
But dude! You dropkicked him onto a tailgate!

Brenda Fonseca:
And as he made impact with the tailgate you punched his knees so hard, they snapped like twigs! (Cut Rebecca and Nick Yaun)

Rebecca Yaun:
You then proceeded to smash his right hand with the backup generator!

Nick Yaun:
I think we can all agree if angry, you will hurt people! Now after last month when we talked, you were feeling better after the loss you suffered. (Cut to Ed Champion)

Ed Champion:
And in a Psychotic break, you did an entire review of “The Shootist” (Cut to Andrew Beach)

Andrew Beach:
Which led to the revelation that just because this cluster bank of bad that was this year is a bust. (Cut to Renee Miller)

Renee Miller:
Which led to you feeling like there was a second chance just not this year. (Cut to John Ross & Mike Santos)

John Ross Santos:
And if that didn’t make you feel better after the summer of hell in which you suffered a mental breakdown

Mike Santos:
And the loss of your father in which everyone still sends you our deepest sympathies and condolences, seeing you just survive a double dose of Rob Zombie… Well… (Cut to Eric Kurtzke)

Eric Kurtzke:
Let’s not beat around the bush, James, we need to know you’re not losing touch with reality… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Or doing something to hurt myself? Well obviously, I’m physically fine, I’m doing anything and everything to keep myself sane. I’m also doing my best to return to somewhat of a status quo after everything I’ve been through. (Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
What about the future of you and Alex? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Unfortunately time will tell and yeah, it’s James-ese for “It’s just about over” though, how it should or could end, I don’t know, she has Emmalina’s essence and powers in her, though I wish I had stopped her from reading that letter maybe things would’ve been better off if I never met her. I know Chad would’ve been… (Cut to everyone else on the screen as they shout “STOP THINKING CHAD IS RIGHT! HE’S AN ASSHOLE!” Cut to Olivia Horvath)

Olivia Horvath:
James, do you want to know something, outside of wanting to Wax your junk for the Life As A Mermaid review, She’s out there and waiting. Speaking of Waiting, when do you think we’ll be back together in the studio? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Safe bet would have to be sometime in March, possibly April. By then if nothing else goes wrong (Knock on Wood), we’ll be back in business, full throttle! See everyone in November, same time… (Cut to everyone on the screen.)

Everyone else (In Unison):
Same connection. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Exactly. (James shut off the computer and it fades to black)

How The "Muppets" are back for "Now"

  (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and in Quarantine but guess what, thanks to my family we now have Disney+ and one of the first things that I saw was something my niece wanted to see. (Cut to live action Mulan title credit. Cut to James) NO! Something that she and I could both enjoy! (Cut to the title of "Muppets Now!" then clips of the host segments with Scooter as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Muppets Now" is sort of idea Jim Henson would have thought of, if he were still around. Taking the Muppet Show concept and trying to see how it would work with sketches, a wraparound segment featuring a host, and plenty of Muppet Silliness, Some Subtle Educational moments and guest stars that would appeal to everyone. Does the series work? Or will it be another short lived series that tried to put the squeeze on the Muppets making them the Square Pegs in Disney's Round Hole? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well let's see if this Muppets Wish Day wish is granted and this is a good series, this is "Muppets Now"(Cut to the title of "Muppets Now!" then clips of the host segments with Scooter as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Something to note that in every intro is Matt Vogel's Kermit The Frog telling us the title of the show and that it's being streamed to us from the Muppets Studio and as I said before that it's taking me some time for me to get used to the new voice of Kermit and yeah he hasn't grown on me, YET! I will be patient, it took me sometime to accept Steve Whitmire as Kermit, so be patient with Matt, he'll get to a likable facsimile of Kermit The Frog but until then yeah I'm saying it's Matt Vogel's Kermit The Frog. But I digress, in the pilot episode Matt Vogel's Kermit The Frog hands the hosting duties to Scooter who has all of episodes of the shows on a hard drive and it's up to Scooter to make sure that the episodes are loaded by a certain time and the show lasts about 22 minutes and in the segments with him he has someone to play off of. In the pilot it's Kermit in an unofficial passing of the torch and in subsequent episodes we have Fozzie, Statler & Waldorf, Animal, Chip the I.T. Guy and finally Robin. However this series also saw the premiere of two new characters, Beverly Plume and Joe From Legal and to be honest, they feel like the sore thumbs in the show and as time went on Beverly should've thanked her lucky feathers none of the episodes of the show she was hosting didn't have turkey, Otherwise Beverly would've been roasted! As for Joe from Legal, well... (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Let me share something with you that he sent. "While you are within your legal rights to review this under Fair Use Acts know that if your review is awful I will act upon you as you get sued to the earth's core! I should know I can dig that far." That was his first message, then he sent a second one with what I can assume is a very loud and powerful laugh because it is in Large text and goes on as "BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH-AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Okay Joe, thanks for that! (Cut to clips of the shorts in "Muppets Now" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The First sketch posted by Scooter is LifeSty...(Cut to James as he goes to his tablet and Miss Piggy contacts James through DUO)

Miss Piggy:
LIFESTY LE! LIFESTYLE! GET IT IT RIGHT OR ELSE YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME AND FEEL ME COMING AT YA!! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Miss Piggy, you caught me in mid word, I was about to say "LifeStyle With Miss Piggy" (Cut to the screen on James' tablet as she giggles with a bit of nervousness)

Miss Piggy:
Well, Oopsie on my part! Keep at what you're doing! Ta-Ta! ( The Screen goes dark as it cuts to James)

TLOTA:
What is my life right now?(Cut to clips of "LifeStyle with Miss Piggy" in "Muppets Now" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As I was trying to say the first sketch posted is the beginning of a series of  self help ideas hosted by Miss Piggy called "LifeStyle" it has tidbits of information for style and living. It also has Taye Diggs doing something with Miss Piggy and Linda Cardellini chatting with Miss Piggy as they answer questions from fans. It's in all the episodes and while it is Miss Piggy being the Diva she is, I think it's good for what it is. My favorite series of sketches? Well.... (Cut to the opening of Okey Dokey Kookin then clips of Okey Dokey Kookin as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Okey Dokey Kookin" has Beverly Plume  hosting a cooking challenge of sorts as famous chefs appear making recipes that is meant to make the mouth water and of course The Swedish Chef being well The Swedish Chef. My favorite episode of this series of sketches has of all people the most bad ass actor and restauranteur Machete himself Danny Trejo! However the tension between Beverly and The Swedish Chef is palpable because he has his way of things and Beverly just gives the poor guy Tsouris for it but I love it because when I first saw this series it was with my youngest niece and she laughed and enjoyed it as much as I do! She also loved another series of sketches which harkens The Muppets back to the days when they were on Sesame Street. (Cut to the opening of "Muppet Labs Field Test" then clips of "Muppet Labs Field Test" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Muppet Labs Field Test" as hosted by Beaker and Dr. Bunson Honeydew always starts off with a disclaimer not to do their experiments at home given to us by Kermit The Frog and Joe From Legal. The experiments have actual Scientific merit and educational material and the scientists that come in as unsuspecting "guests" that helps in the experiments that go the way Beaker and Bunson would hope would go! This is the one sketch that puts the series into the E/I Programing category. (Cut to shows with the E/I Programming label as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
For those who are wondering the E/I Programing is when a show is both entertaining and informative, shows like the original "Saved By The Bell" series or something like "Fraggle Rock" and of course "Sesame Street" or even the "Back To The Future" animated series. Now I have nothing against it as long as it doesn't insult the intelligence and somehow educate without coming off preachy or like an educator overdoing it. But I digress. (Cut to clips of "Muppet Labs Field Test" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
To me this is one of the best series of Sketches that everyone can enjoy

(Cut to opening of "Pepe's Unbelievable Game Show" then clips from "Pepe's Unbelievable Game Show" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

The one series of sketches that people automatically thought were the ones closer to say how The Muppets were taking potshots at a certain site that claims itself as "Awesome" even though there are a group of Meshugginah Schmucks and Feygulahs and a game show that was made by them, this apparent pot shot is "Pepe's Unbelievable Game Show" which if you ask me is Chaos and has no structure as opposed to the fact that the Game Show that was made was by those Schmucks which was something I did enjoy, it had me laughing and being able to get to see how much better I was and if that show had continued I would be glad to have either hosted or taken the series and continued it in the same way but changed certain elements, making it like "Win Ben Stein's Money". But apparently this was a fan favorite to many. Myself, eh not so much, because call me cuckoo but the more the host tries to keep the show organized and the contestants make that impossible is the best route to go, "Pepe's Unbelievable Game Show"? Not my cup of tea!

(Cut to the openings of "Muppet Masters" & "Mup Close & Personal" then clips of both shorts as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):

The least used sketches was that of Muppet Masters and "Mup Close & Personal". The short amount of episodes that were on which is hosted by Walter features Kermit showing off that he is a Master Photobomber and that Uncle Deadly is well versed in theatrical swordplay. But the development that surprised me was that of Walter's as he comes in fully researched and educated on the subjects that the supposed "Masters" know about. And as for "Mup Close and Personal, while having RuPaul, the very lovely Aubrey Plaza and Seth Rogen. While we learn some things about the subjects of the episodes and The Muppets hosting get better in the subjects they talk about. And for me my favorite episode was the one with Aubrey because, let's face it, I'm a dude! I'm not ashamed nor am I completely blind. I really hope that (Cut to clips of the host segments with Scooter as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
One thing I noticed thanks to fans on YouTube and on other reviews have noticed certain things on Scooter's screen. Some see stuff like a baby Scooter and a possible notice of Skeeter who was in the original Muppet Babies. Some people notice that there is a vault that's bulging, these people claim that all five years of the original Muppets Show that have been held back since Disney bought The Muppets Lock Stock & Barrel and did not release seasons 4 & 5. Again that's a fan theory. Until Disney+ does confirm that they are releasing the series on said streaming service nothing will be confirmed! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But after talking about this series, my thoughts? Well...(Cut to clips of the shorts in "Muppets Now" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I will say that the series is a good start for a restart for The Muppets to try and get them back in the mainstream. The shorts have a mix of entertaining and educational, a sense of what Jim Henson would do with The Muppets to get them back to action if he was still around. I really suggest you check it out on Disney+ and if it gets a physical media copy, I strongly suggest you get it. (Cut to James physically as there is a knock on the door and James steps out the front door, looks around and hears the door close behind him and sees Miss Piggy)

TLOTA:
Well, this is gonna suck for me! (Cut to Miss Piggy)

Miss Piggy:
LIKE A VACUUM CLEANER! HAI-YAH! (James gets Karate chopped into geosynchronistic orbit and screams then shouts "I'M JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS AND THAT'S MY OPINION!"

Survival of "The Shootist"

 

This review and the remaining reviews I do from this moment forward is dedicated in Loving memoriam of
Robert N. Faraci Sr.
1943-2020

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room sitting in contemplation as to whether to continue or not as echoes of Chad Narducci’s voice chewing James out with Vitriolic Hate ring in James’ head. James sighs and is looking at a blank screen on his Microsoft Word Program.)

TLOTA:
What am I going to do? All I do is get chewed out by the people I need the most and the people I want to be with me, don’t want anything to do with me. Further complicating things… (James looks up from his Computer to see a photo of him and his father as the two of them and his older brothers are coming off a fishing trip with their fish. Cut to James as he begins to cry and say “Dad”)

TLOTA (Crying):
Dad, Rob I wish you guys were with me. (James continues to cry for 30 Seconds, sits and sighs)

TLOTA:
What am I going to do? James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, What can I do?  Do I even continue?(James sighs as he looks on Amazon Prime and sees “The Shootist” on there. Cut to James looking at the screen and sighs.) The Shootist, the last great western of any generation, the last great John Wayne movie, the last movie of a bygone era, maybe this will be the movie will be the last roundup for me! Maybe it’s apropos for what might be my final one. (James hits the play button as John Wayne played by James appears in the same room as James. Cut to James!)

TLOTA:
Well, I think the fact that I am seeing John Wayne here is just proof that the last drop of sanity has evaporated. (Cut to John Wayne as he grabs the chair next to James)

John Wayne:
You know something James, just because I’m sitting here don’t mean you’ve fallen off the horse. It’s you just working through your problems, but you shouldn’t be doing it alone. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Okay, I’ll bite. Mr. Wayne, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. It’s in my title to try and handle my problems alone. (Cut to John Wayne.)

John Wayne:
“The Last Of The Americans”? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Well, the last one of any generation after the 1970’s and early 1980’s to be raised on you and guys like Brando, James Dean, Tony Curtis, Kirk Douglas and the real actors who could make great movies. As a matter of fact, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! (Cut to John Wayne)

John Wayne:
Well Pilgrim, you know what that Chris Rock fellow say in that Blasphemous “Dogma” movie? He was right. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Well that doesn’t help me out at all! (Cut to the title of “The Shootist” as it cuts to clips of “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Considered to be one of the best if not one of the last well known Western movies ever made, boasting a full cast of amazing actors including John Wayne in his final performance. “The Shootist” based on the book by Glendon Swarthout is probably a must watch for anyone especially when it comes to movie aficionados, and for those who see the current crop of films as garbage and leave a bad taste in your mouth. (Cut to James sitting next to John Wayne)

John Wayne:
So I take it you’re not a fan of what’s out there in the cinemas.

TLOTA:
If you see half of what’s out… WHAT AM I DOING?! I have what maybe my last review. Let’s go right into “The Shootist” (Cut to clips of “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So our movie opens as we hear a voiceover about John Bernard Books or J.B. Books for short performed by a young fellow known as Gillom played by Ron Howard. (Cut to James and John Wayne)

John Wayne:
Little Ron Howard, I often wonder what happened to that fella after the movie… (Cut to images of all of Ron Howard’s films. Cut to James and John Wayne) He was in all of them?

TLOTA:
He Directed them. (John Wayne Chuckles at that)

John Wayne:
Well kid, if that don’t beat all! (Cut to clips of “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We soon cut to 1901 as we see J.B. Books played by John Wayne as he heads to Carson City Nevada. On the way there someone with the I.Q. of his clothing try to rob J.B.  but ends as you’d expect seeing as how John Wayne would handle it. (Show clip of J.B. Books as he handles the guy trying to rob J.B. Books would. Cut to James and John Wayne.)

TLOTA:
I’m fine, this is you we’re talking about. (Cut to clips of “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We soon see J.B. make it to Carson City on the Day Queen Victoria died.

John Wayne (Voiceover):
Just how the timing worked.

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As J.B. makes it to town, he makes it to Doc Hostetler played by James Stewart for an examination and the prognosis is grim. He’s been diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer. Knowing he’s facing his own mortality J.B. asks Doc to not tell anyone he’s in town, taking residence at the Rogers residence as a lodger. There Gillom and his mother Bond played by Lauren Bacall take him in however the first few hours in the place J.B. pretty much makes enemies with both Bond and Gillom (Cut to James and John Wayne)

John Wayne:
Now you just stop, take off your glasses and stand up, right here and now. (James acquiesces to John Wayne's request.)

TLOTA:
Why? (John Wayne clocks James stupid)

John Wayne:
That’s why! It’s not that J.B. Books was out to make enemies, he was just trying to settle in, wasn’t expecting Gillom to be so strong willed or Bond be so head strong, he just had expectations on how things were. You okay there James?

(Cut to James as he sits seeing all of John Wayne’s characters circling around his head. Cut to John Wayne as he walks out to grab something it fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to James and John Wayne in James’ room)

John Wayne:
You okay to continue?

TLOTA:
Are you kidding? Getting punched by John Wayne is an honor. An honor I can never reveal because people will think I’ve gone around the bend and in my profession, that’s too easy. How’s your hand?

John Wayne:
Boy I heard of Cast Iron Jaws, but yours must be plated with something that makes it super harder than that!
(Cut to “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Going under the name William Hickok from Abilene Kansas as a profession is a U.S. Marshal. Bond lets “Hickok” knows where he stands with her. Meanwhile at the Livery Stable Moses played by Scatman Crothers and Gillom discover the owner of the horse that Gillom and Bond’s Lodge is. Armed with that information Gillom tells his mother about J.B. Books being in her house. Taking the news well, Gillom is told to hit the hay! The next day Bond is none too pleased to have J.B. lodging in her home and wants him out. But J.B. pleads his case to stay however the local Marshal Walter Thibido played by Harry Morgan tells J.B. to hit the road. J.B. tells the Marshal about his condition and asks not to tell anyone that he’s here. Marshal Thibido obliges after making fun of J.B.’s condition and wishes he die quickly and in my opinion, that was a cold low blow! (Cut to James and John Wayne)

John Wayne:
Well, J.B. was so feared that he became a legend of sorts in the west.

TLOTA:
Well even legends deserve some respect! Why did you think I acquiesced to your request to stand up and take my glasses off?

John Wayne:
You made your point. (Cut to “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After Gillom tries to sneak up on J.B., news of J.B. Books being in Carson City hits causing trouble for everyone. Apologizing for hiding under the name of Hickok and telling Bond of his conditions. Bond allows J.B. to stay. As the days go on J.B. Books has to deal with a reporter named Dan Dobkins who wants to write on the daily exploits of J.B. however J.B. tells Dan Dobkins to hit the road and meeting  back with Doc Hostetler for a prescription of Laudanum for a pain killer and all of that. Going to an Undertaker to order a headstone but rejects the free funeral because J.B. is afraid that The Undertaker played by John Carradine would sell to see J.B.’s remains. One night two unknown people looking for notoriety try to sneak up on J.B. however like in the beginning of the movie he dispatches with them. However, this becomes a problem for Bond as Lodgers continue to hit the road knowing that they’re in danger as long as J.B. Books is there. Also concerning Bond is the fact that Gillom maybe getting a bit too close for her own good. One day as Bond and J.B. decide to travel they come upon an old associate of J.B.’s Mike Sweeny played by Richard Boone. Meanwhile J.B. and Gillom get into a heated debate over J.B.’s Horse. However, after telling Gillom about J.B.’s death sentence things change between the two as J.B. over a series of shooting lessons.  (Cut to James and John Wayne as James sighs)

John Wayne:
Remind you of something?

TLOTA:
Just good times between me and my dad at the Shooting Range, fishing on the Reservoir, Salmon River fishing upstate, deer hunting, small game hunting, bird hunting, all those good times upstate in the hunting camp.

John Wayne:
As long as you hold onto them, you ain’t ever gonna forget him. 

TLOTA:
Thanks for that. 

(Cut to “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
One night an old flame of J.B.’s by the name of Serepta played by Sheree North comes around to discover that J.B. is heading to that big ol’ roundup in the sky. After that J.B. asks Gillom to tell Mike Sweeny, Jack Pulford played by Hugh O’Brian and Jay Cobb, the guy who was driving the Creamery Wagon to meet J.B. at the Metropole Saloon at 11 A.M. on January 29^th. That day comes as J.B.’s headstone comes with the year 1901 on one side and his birthday on the other. And after a bumpy relationship with Bond, J.B. makes his peace with her and gives Gillom his horse and then…(Show shootout as the three “guests” arrive as J.B. Books celebrates as Sweeny, Cobb and Pulford try to shoot J.B. Books and while wounded defends himself. The Bartender shoots J.B. and Gillom shoots the Bartender with J.B. Books’ gun which he throws away as J.B. Books smiles at Gillom’s decision and dies. Gillom covers the body of J.B. Books and walks away as Doc Hostetler comes in to see the damage as Gillom walks away.) And with that the movie ends with the day moving on. No grand finale or moment where Gillom is hearing J.B. Books give out some good advice on things, the movie ends with the world moving forward, as if John Bernard “J.B.” Books was meant to leave the earth that day. (Cut to James and John Wayne)

John Wayne:
And why not pass away after going through such hell he deserved to be at peace the day he was born.

TLOTA:
Because it didn’t have any dignity, it was just sad and painful to see the world moving on while you’re stuck with the pain of knowing you…

John Wayne:
You were there when the time came to pass weren’t ya.

TLOTA:
Me and my mom and you know what really hurt was knowing that I was here when it happened. I gave him my lifetime to being there for him and while I was out there playing mouthpiece as “The Last Of The Americans” occasionally, Okay Constantly complaining about him, I was doing everything to help him and it didn’t help.

John Wayne:
Well son, you did the best you could, maybe it was his time to give you your lifetime back. A Second chance for ya.

TLOTA:
To do what? Talk endlessly on stuff no one cares about, to do the same thing I’ve been doing for years now?

John Wayne:
Well maybe that and make sure you get the stuff you sacrificed to help him, get that lifetime back. It’s okay that you mourn him, but it’s time to move on. James, you gotta a second chance, don’t waste it. See ya around there Five Toed Bubba Joe! (James looks up and sees the photo of James and his dad of the two of them celebrating James having just brought in a Salmon and smiles)

TLOTA:
Thanks dad.  Now to finish up my work. (Cut to “The Shootist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
To say that this is a masterpiece is an understatement, not because it’s a super Special Effects movie, not because it has big stars like John Wayne, Lauren Bacall and Ron Howard but because it was story driven, character driven and most importantly it was dealing with something we all must deal with and while this was John Wayne’s swansong I can honestly say that I am proud to have watched it, I’m glad I enjoyed it and I can say to anyone out there, give this movie a watch and you will know REAL movie making is at it’s best. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I’m not wasting the second chance I have.

In Defense of "Baywatch"

 (0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, and in Quarantine but guess what It's once again time for "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: 
You know what I miss the most during this Quarantine? Going fishing and going to the beach! (Cut to the Intro to the Baywatch TV Series then clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
When people think of  the 1990's syndicated series "Baywatch" the following immediately comes to mind. "David Hasselhoff", "Pamela Anderson", "Cheesy", "Stupid", "Dumb", "T & A", "Soft Soft core Adult Entertainment" and of course if you're in the Internet Reviewer community "Allison Pregler".  But be that as it may, a lot of people actually found the series entertaining enough to make it the Number One Syndicated Series for several years and it is because of most of it. It was the right amount of dumb, the right amount of stupid, the right amount of cheese. But since the series went under for the last time in 2001 with the cancelation of "Baywatch Hawaii" the series has grown more of a following because of Allison Pregler because of her series "Baywatching". However many have used "Baywatching" to further make the series look dumber than it is. Okay granted it is dumb but it is a fun dumb! Plus it did open producers to new avenues as to how to get a series the way they wanted without having Network Execs and Standards changing things willy nilly because the show didn't fit certain criteria. But that was after the series was cancelled by NBC after one season. The series also served as David Hasselhoff's second wind that he was in need of after four seasons of "Knight Rider" and his sub sequential musical career flopped stateside but somehow gave The Hoff a boost overseas especially in Germany which gave him a bargaining chip to sign on as a producer for the show which was both a blessing and a curse. He could and wanted to speak about the quality of the series but never got involved in terms of cast when it comes to pay negotiations because he had to work with them. Speaking of the cast of not only this show but the spinoffs, yeah I'm talking about the spinoffs quickly as well, I have to say there was an abundance of talent but they were underutilized. I felt sorry for actors like Monte Markham, Nicole Eggert and Alexandra Paul they were barely utilized while Pamela Anderson got a lion's share of attention. But once she left a lot of audience seemed to have gone with her. As for the Spin offs, "Baywatch Nights" had Angie Harmon who went on to be a part of both "Law & Order" and "Rizzoli & Isles" and in the second/last season Dorian Gregory who went on to have a seven year run on "Charmed" as Darryl Morris and in "Baywatch Hawaii" well Who would've thought a skinny little dude by the name of Jason Momoa would go on to being known for being Jason Momoa! (Show clip of Jason Momoa clip from "Justice League" as Aquaman as opens up his mouth honestly about their stakes before cutting to James playing Waa-Waa Music and shrugs his arms comedically. Cut to clips of Baywatch as James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now let's talk about the production of an episode. Specifically in the editing in many an episode there will be what I considered Music Video editing. Where in several episodes felt less like an actual episode and more like music video montages. And it didn't help that one episode featuring The Beach Boys doing a music video as the title of the episode and who wrote, produced, directed and guest starred in the episode. And some of the episodes have gone down in infamy as to how cheesy they are. One of them being possibly the most over reviewed episode of the series. The episode with Hulk Hogan and WCW wrestlers Ric Flair and Kevin Sullivan but one wrestler in the episode was not part of WCW when it finally aired and it happened to be Vader. He was in the WWE. Plus there was supposedly the arc that started the end of Alexandra Paul's run as her character Lt. Stephanie Holden was given a Skin Cancer diagnosis but that wasn't what put her away for good. A Mast smashing her innards on a boat trip is what put her down.  Also hurting the episodes in the later seasons and also "Hawaii" was the lack of quality writing. Now before I get a ton of hate comments I am SO aware that the series was never going to be highly praised for it's writing or it's acting or anything that would get critics to say "Yes! We love this series! Watch it, for it is the most amazing series ever."  I think the audience didn't want that when the series became popular. They wanted the mindless popcorn that didn't try and elevate intelligence. They wanted the Soft "Soft Core" entertainment. But even that couldn't sustain the series forever and neither did the constant cast changes. This show had probably the hardest working casting directors in the business as well as the ones with the biggest bottles of aspirin when the producers started calling. But when the series was over it was safe to say that the Casing Directors who worked on Baywatch decided to call it a career. Yeah let's get to how each series ended. The original Baywatch ended as Mitch and Newmie walked together talking how it was going to be a hot summer. Baywatch Nights ended with apparently Mitch and Angie Harmon's character expressing their feelings for one another while Dorian Gregory kept this series off his resume to get onto Charmed and the Detective Agency Mitch, former Sgt. Garner Ellerbee and Angie Harmon's character probably closes it's doors and "Baywatch Hawaii" should've ended when they killed Mitch Buchanan off but the finale was so boringly bad I couldn't stomach it and it to no one's surprise ended on a whimper!(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But believe it or not, in spite of the few snarky moments I had talking about this show, it was "Baywatch" and several others like that were the showing the networks that they could do shows their way and succeed, The syndicated market was a precursor to all of the YouTube and other video sharing sites.(Cut to the Intro to the Baywatch TV Series then clips of the series as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 As a matter of fact when Baywatch produced and released their 100th Episode, NBC put an ad out saying "Whoops! We Screwed up cancelling you guys!". So even the one of the big networks were humbled when this little show became the No.1 watched series all around the world. That would friggin' surprise even the most uppity sawed off Network exec. And because the Syndicated market was in need of original content they got it. So because of the success of Baywatch we got more shows. Some that were more critically acclaimed and commercially successful and some that have gone down as infamously cheesy as Baywatch. Regardless of how you may feel about the series, I think I can agree with those who like the show for what it's worth and the impact it had on how it changed entertainment forever! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
As for the movie based on the show, well... (James pulls out a grenade, tapes it to the "Baywatch" movie cover and tosses it out a window.) Nuff said! I'm James Faraci The Last of The Americans (Grenade Explodes off screen) and that's my opinion!