(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal.)
(It cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Antoni Matteo Garcia, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces. The credits of “Antoni Matteo Garcia, Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” are shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played, until it cuts to their faces.)
(After that, the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo” are shown, as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath. Following this, the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” are shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays.)
(Everything becomes a swirl of reds, whites, and blues, as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com"; “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath”; “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci”; “Written by Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci, and “Directed by James Faraci” are shown, as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays.)
(We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background. Finally, the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays.)
(The scene changes to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, looking out the front door as he hears tires screeching offscreen.)
TLOTA:
I appreciated his advice, but I need someone to help with my twelfth anniversary. It’s not like an answer is going to fall out of the sky.
(A man screams and lands on James, as we hear two men shout “Ow!” Cut to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and Antoni Matteo Garcia on the horseshoe couch.)
TLOTA:
So you had been there for that long? That explains a lot, anyway, what do you say?
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I’m in James. (beat) So, what’s the movie you’re going to need help with?
TLOTA:
Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And no way out of this one, isn’t it?
TLOTA:
Afraid not!
Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
So let’s do this!
(Cut to the title card of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2016, “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” was DC’s first failed attempt at playing catch-up with Marvel and their cinematic universe after “Man Of Steel” was “successful.” I put it in quotation marks because, to this day, the critics and audience remain polarized over what they did; I wouldn’t call it a success or a failure. Regardless, this movie, like its predecessor, split the audience, critics, and fans of DC.
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans.)
TLOTA:
So let’s not wait another twelve years for me to review this, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans...
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And I’m Antoni Matteo Garcia...
Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
And this is...
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Batman
TLOTA:
V Superman
Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (In Unison):
Dawn Of Justice!
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
We open at the funeral of Thomas and Martha Wayne. It’s fitting, seeing how this is going to kill DC’s fan base. We hear some sentences that I think are meant to be symbolic, or maybe someone is waxing philosophically about life, but I digress. These “philosophical” expositions are delivered by Ben Affleck, who portrays Bruce Wayne in this movie, as we are given Batman’s backstory during the opening credits. We see the faceless man fire the shots at Thomas, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Martha, played by Lauren Cohan, Bruce falling into the cave filled with bats, and what on earth is this?!
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans physically)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Do you have any idea what it is we’re watching?
TLOTA:
Outside of a two-and-a-half-hour waste of time that we won't get back, I am stymied about what we’re in for.
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then cut to the day when Superman and Zod fought and demolished half of Metropolis, as we see Bruce Wayne try to do a Steve Guttenberg.
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
A “Steve Guttenberg”? I learned about this gentleman and his oeuvre, but what exactly do you mean?
TLOTA (V.O.):
Help as best one can when the situation deteriorates. Remember back when Los Angeles was on fire nearly five months ago, and someone helped move vehicles out of the way so that first responders could help more quickly? The one who did the most to help was Steve Guttenberg.
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Oh, okay, I understand. Anyway, Bruce is also trying to get to the Metropolis branch of Wayne Enterprises by calling his associate, Jack. However, there is collateral damage, as one person caught in the destruction of the building lost his legs, and, as for Jack…well…He winds up dead!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Cut to eighteen months later, as we see a green glowing rock in the Indian Ocean, where one of Zod’s terraformers was. We then cut to Lois Lane and this universe’s version of Jimmy Olsen, a CIA agent working undercover in Africa, trying to secure an interview with a warlord. When Jimmy is exposed, the warlord takes matters into his own hands and kills him immediately.
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
It was a bad idea to bring in one of Superman’s greatest supporting characters just to kill him off.
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, physically as Zack Snyder, played by Paulo Fonseca, busts through the movie.)
Zack Snyder:
Hey bro, Jimmy Olsen was lame, bro! But the execs wanted him in! I didn’t! So, we compromised, they got Jimmy Olsen, and I got to get rid of him easily, bro!
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)
TLOTA:
Well, let me tell you about Jimmy Olsen. He represents the younger sibling who can help Superman relate to these kids these days. And for you to kill off such an established character in Superman lore is REPULSIVE!
(Cut to stills of Jimmy Olsen from the various iterations of “Superman” on TV and in movies, as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Say what you will about Jimmy Olsen, but he was a breath of fresh air in terms of balancing the high-octane action with some moments of camaraderie. I find his idealistic optimism thoroughly charming and sweet on his greatest days. Furthermore, he can be a reliable ally, confidant, and friend to Clark and Lois.
TLOTA (V.O.):
And even though you might not have wanted to use him, killing off Jimmy Olsen doesn’t make this movie or Superman cooler; it just gets fans upset.
(Cut to Zack Snyder)
Zack Snyder:
Listen, bro, I made the movie, I wanted as few of the established characters as I could, so I could make the film edgier and realistic, bro!
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans)
Antoni Matteo Garcia & TLOTA (in unison):
QUIT CALLING US BRO, YOU ALPHA MALE WANNABE!
(Cut to Zack Snyder)
Zack Snyder:
Well, guess what, bro! I have successfully made Superman cool again, and there is nothing on earth that can stop me!
(A Female voice pops up and says, “I am of the earth, but not in the way you think about!” and chucks Zack Snyder over the horseshoe couch as Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod gets ready to attack, and James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, stops her.)
TLOTA:
Kyra, stop! It’s Paulo Fonseca as Zack Snyder.
Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod:
Really? My Apologies to you, Paulo Fonseca, and to you, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and to your guest... Mr.? (Antoni Matteo Garcia walks over to the two)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Antoni Matteo Garcia, uh, Kyra?
Kyra Lee Of The Lacustrian Pod:
Yes, Kyra Lee of The Lacustrian Pod, which, if the one called Rowdy told you about, is the same pod that caused James Faraci The Last Of The Americans to be in the state he is in now! Allow me!
(Kyra grabs Antoni Matteo Garcia by the wrist, as his face contorts to a wide, toothy grin. James Faraci thinks, runs to the dressing room, and knocks on the door, as someone says, “Come in.” James enters.)
TLOTA:
Liv, we’re going to have to kill the bits with you as the Lindsay Naegel Studio Exec.
(Intercut between James and Olivia Horvath as she just put the costume on.)
Olivia Horvath:
Let me guess, Kyra mistook Paulo for the real deal?
TLOTA:
Bullseye.
Olivia Horvath:
Damn that mermaid, she just has been...
TLOTA:
I know, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!
(James closes the door as it cuts to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
The Warlord looks like he’s about to do to Lois what he did to Jimmy when Superman arrives. This causes people to discuss what happened, and for Senator Finch, played by Holly Hunter, to claim Superman as a radical element that should be controlled by all Governmental bodies, with the American one being the one with the most control.
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then find Lois trying to relax in the bathtub after the ordeal that had just happened. Clark/Superman, played by Henry Cavill, then tries to surprise Lois with dinner. When the two have a conversation about the hearings that took place, Clark states that he cares more about Lois’ well-being than what any government wants from him. However, Lois says that “There’s Always a Cost for being a hero,” and Clark comforts her and the two decide to have a lovey-dovey rub-a-dub-dub in the bathtub!
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
After this intimate moment, we find ourselves in Gotham. Batman is there trying to rescue sex slave workers from a criminal who gets hit with, of all things, A Bat branding iron! A BAT BRANDING IRON!
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, physically with a reaction of total shock.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
You know, with all the ludicrous inventions Batman has had in the past, Bat Shark Repellant Spray, nipples on his costume, the material of his cape in the Christopher Nolan “Batman” movies, the Bat Credit Card, among others. A Bat branding iron seems the darkest thing to have.
TLOTA:
Especially since from what is discussed later, being hit with said branding iron is a bullseye the size of Texas on your ass to wind up getting killed in prison.
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
We then find Alfred, played by Jeremy Irons, as he works on technology for Batman. Among them is a device that lowers Bruce Wayne’s voice, making it less recognizable. Additionally, according to the research you cited, Kevin Smith reportedly suggested this device for the movie. We then see Bruce looking for Anatoli Knyazev, one of the main villains in this movie. However, one moment that doesn’t sit well with me is the fact that Bruce Wayne refers to himself and his alter ego as criminals. Yes, Batman is an anti-hero, but he’s not someone who goes out into the night chasing after one faceless person after another. He is also brilliant in science, criminology, medicine, forensics, and everything that makes him the world’s greatest super-sleuth. But, no time for that, Clark overhears what is happening across the bay! Yes, in this universe, Gotham and Metropolis are neighboring cities, much like they were in the Silver Age of comics, as we then... Oh boy!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh boy indeed, we meet with Lex Luthor played by, UGH!, Jesse Eisenberg, who, unlike Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey’s Lex, who are criminals, is more in line with his current form of a businessman. Still, unlike the Lex from the current comics, Jesse plays Lex like that one dude who made it rich off the internet and decided to parlay that into buying out his dad’s business and making it his own. At any rate, Lex discusses the crystals he found in Metropolis and similar ones found in the Indian Ocean, noting that these crystals have a specific effect on Kryptonians. Mainly cuts them and kills them. Lex wants an import license to bring the Kryptonite into Metropolis to weaponize it against Superman, just in case no one can tell, this guy is the villain in this piece!
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Meanwhile, Perry assigns Clark to sports, as Superman’s reputation is tarnished. Lex wants access to the crashed Kryptonian ship and Zod’s body so he can... I have no clue what he is going to do. In this movie, it’s almost as if they’re trying to turn him into the Joker from “The Dark Knight,” Christopher Nolan movie. Clark tries to convince Perry about taking Batman seriously, but all he gets is sarcasm. Simultaneously, Lois heads to Washington, D.C., to find out where the bullet that was in her journal came from and who produced it. Coincidentally, Senator Finch blocks Lex’s Import License, which sends Lex into a mental state that would make Sigmund Freud go in an unhinged frenzy!
TLOTA (V.O.):
And here is where the first of many, many moments in which we are forced to deal with Bruce Wayne’s psyche in dream sequences that make absolutely no sense and add nothing but padding to the movie! Lois then tries to get help from her contacts in Washington, D.C., with no avail, just as Bruce Wayne discovers a connection that, unlike everyone else in this movie, reveals Anatoli Knyazev is linked to Lex Luthor. Alfred reports to Bruce about an event in Metropolis that he can attend, where, among all the madcap happenstances, Clark Kent is present as a member of the press. Coincidentally, Diana of Themyscira, played by Gal Gadot, is there. But, since we’re already aware of who she is, we don’t have to talk about her until she becomes relevant again! And it is here that Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent finally meet and talk about what else, each other!
(Cut to the conversation between Clark and Bruce. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia and TLOTA (In Unison):
WHEN?! WHEN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!
TLOTA:
OR-HAC, please post all the headlines about Superman on the Screen. (Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, as they look at the headlines involving Superman.) Oh look, “General Zod plans to turn Earth into his new home planet, but is thwarted by Superman! Superman is public enemy number one!”
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
“Superman saves citizens of the foreign nation before war breaks out! Superman is now considered an enemy to the United Nations!”
TLOTA:
“Superman rescues astronauts from certain death when their experimental rocket fails. Superman is worse than the devil!” It sounds like, for all the good he’s doing, the media wants to make him suffer for doing good for the sake of doing good. But if someone, like say “Homelander,” does that and kills everyone, THAT is a fluff piece of journalism!
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I know, it’s times like these that make us want to drink, scream, and cry at the same time! (Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Lex tries to foreshadow the movie’s climax as Clark overhears an incident in Juarez during the Day Of The Dead celebration and does something to help. Which, of course, leads to talking heads saying “Superman’s a menace!” or, better yet, “Superman is 2+2=4! He must be stopped by the rainbow feather!” while incidents of bad things happening and Superman helping.
(Cut to the Robert Wagner clip of No. 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt” in “Austin Powers in Goldmember.” Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Meanwhile, the man who lost his legs in the Metropolis incident is set free by Lex, given a wheelchair that serves as a McGuffin for later, as Perry and Clark continue to discuss the ethical issues surrounding Batman and journalism. As Bruce Wayne meets with Diana, she explains to Bruce that the data has Military Encryption, and that the device she collected is in his car’s glove compartment. Then we come upon...
TLOTA (V.O.):
I know, the “Knightmare” scene, the scene in which Apokolips has taken over the planet, and Superman has gone rogue. “THE FLASH” sends Bruce a warning about that and tells him that “Lois is the key!” If this were written more coherently, perhaps we wouldn’t have had the issues we did with it. It was not written that way, so let’s not kid ourselves. Clark is handed evidence about Batman as Bruce discovers a ship called “The White Portuguese,” which contains the Kryptonian element. You know what, Kryptonite, it’s frigging Kryptonite! Bruce is out to get it because, according to him, “If there is even a one percent chance of Superman being what the media has claimed him to be, then we have to be 100 percent ready to end him!”
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as they both tend to their migraines with icepacks on their foreheads and massaging them simultaneously.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Shoot for who should discuss why this rivalry is as forced as trying to fit an entire wild boar into one sausage link.
(The two count to three with James Faraci getting the Higher number!)
TLOTA:
Okay, let’s do this!
(Cut to the MCU clips of Iron Man and Captain America as James Faraci does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The reason the rivalry between the late Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, and Steve “Captain America” Rogers worked in the MCU was that it was there from the start. Tony Stark, for all his accomplishments, still felt like Howard Stark’s bastard creation. He could have saved us from fuel problems, stopped deforestation by developing real, sustainable solutions that provide the essentials of living while repairing the damage we've caused for generations, and more. However, Tony would always have to play second fiddle to Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America. So, by the time the first “Avengers” movie came out, Tony was constantly needling Steve, poking a bear that was not meant to be poked. He came out of the first Avengers movie a little better because he decided to keep Steve closer but not allow him total leadership of anything, even “The Avengers” itself, by the time “Age of Ultron” happened. Then came “Captain America: Civil War” the moment that we knew was coming the fight to see which was better Tony in his Iron Suit still feeling like the bastard creation second fiddle and Steve being Howard’s first big success fighting not only ideologically but also as to who was the best and I will grant that the battle was exacerbated by the fact that Bucky who was brainwashed into “The Winter Soldier” killed Howard and Maria Stark but the fact the final brawl between the two ended in a draw makes it clear that Tony and Steve were doomed to never win. He still carried that anger as “Infinity War” happened. Bruce Banner tried to tell Tony to put aside the crap so that they can stop Thanos, however as reluctant as Tony was to call Steve, he almost called putting the feud to rest, however “Infinity War” ends with everyone losing then just as “Endgame” begins Tony basically lays out how much he hates Steve and wants nothing to do with Steve at the start. But by the time Tony discovered how to do what Steve had asked for, he decided to finally put his disdain for Steve aside and do what needed to be done to regain what everyone had lost. So at the end of Tony’s existence, he finally understood what Steve Rogers had been talking about and made peace with Howard, that’s why Tony and Steve’s relationship was always rocky until the end of “Endgame!”
(Cut to the clips of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” of Bruce Wayne/Batman and Clark Kent/Superman as they fight, and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA(V.O.):
In this movie, it is not given time to develop; it is forced through every single time the two are in the same room or at least thinking about each other. There is no room for either of them to be both right and wrong about each other. It’s just “I’m right and the other one is wrong, and there is nothing to change my mind.” Good frigging night! My great-nieces act more mature, and there’s a ten-month gap between them; the oldest is three, and the other is two.
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I couldn’t have said it better. Of course, I wouldn’t be foaming at the mouth and ranting like a lunatic like you are right now.
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Lois tries to once again ask for assistance about the bullet, just as Batman and Superman meet with the latter, warning the former, “Stop your vigilantism or I will make sure that you will be in a prison cell. The choice is yours.” Batman’s response?
(Show the “Do you bleed?!” clip. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
TLOTA:
Do you have anything to say about it? No? Me Neither!
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
With the kryptonite now in Luthor’s hands, it’s time for the next part of Lex’s plan. By ensuring that Superman arrives at a hearing led by Senator Finch to condemn Him for his actions, when essentially...
(Show the clip of Senator Finch discovering a jar of piss marked “Granny’s Peach Tea” and the bomb under Wallace’s Wheelchair going boom and Superman standing there. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
So, what do you want Superman to do now, oh great Senator Finch? Make silly clown faces for the orphaned kids and balloons for the widows?
TLOTA:
Maybe she shouldn’t have been all “Should we do something? We should do something!” in her discussions about Superman, then maybe, just MAYBE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN BARBEQUED BY THE SUICIDE BOMBING LEX LUTHOR DID JUST TO DISCREDIT SUPERMAN EVEN FURTHER!
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And just as Superman decides that he was wrong to do good, WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING SUPERMAN SHOULD EVER HAVE COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH, and heads off to exile in Parts unknown, Bruce finally gets through all the decoding and gets the Kryptonite to weaponize it against Superman. We also get a montage of Bruce training and decrypting the data even further, discovering Diana’s picture, which is a Deus Ex Machina for the opening of the Wonder Woman Movie. Meanwhile, Swanwick from “Man of Steel” helps Lois discover that the incident that happened in Africa was a setup by Lex Luthor. However, Swanwick refuses to go on record, and Lois realizes someone played her like a Gameboy. Wow, that reminds me I’m old. Meanwhile, in exile, Superman encounters a ghost of Jonathan Kent, who discusses how his heroic actions led to the Lang Family losing their farm. Which only has me asking what the point of this whole story about how heroic actions have consequences? Meanwhile, Bruce wonders if this final battle against Superman will end well, even if he defeats him, as Alfred bemoans the end of Bruce Wayne.
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
I’m just wondering. Why does Kevin Costner loathe Hollywood and acting, when it has made him successful?
TLOTA (V.O.):
In the meantime, Lex Luthor hijacks the Kryptonian technology in the crashed ship to create his master plan. Of course, it involves kidnapping Lois Lane. But then again, she hasn’t done much in this movie anyway, except being a Deus Ex Machina for Superman, as he finally confronts Lex. However, Lex has an ace up his sleeve. He has kidnapped Ma Kent, once again played by Diane Lane, plans on killing her, and complains that because Superman wasn’t there when Lex’s daddy punished the Lex we know in these movies. This is all because Lex’s daddy suffered under Soviet German rule and hated how his son had it easier. However, there is one way, according to Lex, to stop his plan: to kill Batman or to save his mom. Leading to the final showdown between Superman and Batman.
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)
TLOTA:
If it had been done better, I would have enjoyed it!
(Cut to the “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns” animated movie and the fight at the end of it as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
In something like “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns,” it was handled with the dignity of the material. Granted, it is Frank Miller’s writing. However, it was acknowledged that Superman and Batman, while somewhat in step with one another, were friends by chance, not by any other factor. Plus, the two were eventually going to scrap. When it ended, both had lost and won at the same time.
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
Back to the movie at hand, Diana receives an email from Bruce that gives us the chance to have The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman debut so quickly in this movie. This super-rushed team-up is the textbook definition of ramming every single thing down our throats until we suffocate to death! Meanwhile, as the battle comes to its conclusion, we get... the moment! The moment that DEFIES all comprehension, let alone understanding! Why did Superman say, “Martha?” What was this battle all about? Why did Lois Lane arrive to point out the obvious to Batman? It doesn’t make a lick of freaking sense!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, because of whatever the point of the Martha Moment was, it finally pulls the stick out of Batman’s ass and he, to make up for some of his xenophobia towards Superman, will rescue Martha. With Lex’s plans of seeing Batman or Superman or maybe even both dying going up in smoke, because Batman DID get Martha away from her captors before they end up killing themselves, he unleashes a monster created by the DNA of himself and that of the Kryptonian corpse of Zod, and...
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
TLOTA:
Wait a second, Lex Luthor’s DNA plus...
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Kryptonian DNA? Would that equate to... NO, they wouldn’t bloody dare!
TLOTA:
They shouldn’t do it. Because the last time we wound up with Nuclear Man in “Superman IV: The Quest For Peace”!
(Cut to the reveal of “Doomsday” in “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.” Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, physically.)
TLOTA:
Well, Snyder, congratulations are in order, way to go for making the most epic DC failure SINCE “SUPERGIRL THE MOVIE,” “SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE,” “BATMAN & ROBIN,” “STEEL,” and RYAN REYNOLDS’ “GREEN LANTERN” MOVIE!
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Do you feel better now?
TLOTA:
No, we got another twenty-five minutes plus of this abomination, and now we have to toss in whatever else Zack has done!
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
So, this ungodly abomination that’s supposed to be Doomsday is getting ready for a fight, just as Diana hears about it in a news report. Batman goes to fight it with whatever he has in stock, as Superman and Doomsday duke it out.
TLOTA (V.O.):
But knowing the devices that can hurt the creature are the Kryptonite weapons Batman has made, but all that’s left is a spear that Lois foolishly chucked into the drink. This might be curtains for the Dark Knight when...
(Show clip of Wonder Woman joining in the fight. Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Okay, one bright spot is the portrayal of Wonder Woman in this movie.
TLOTA:
And, believe it or not, this is where I first heard of Gal Gadot and saw her performance as Wonder Woman. No wonder Patty Jenkins thought Gal’s performance could hold a Wonder Woman movie together.
(Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
The DC Trinity tries to fight Doomsday with what they have. However, Superman notices that Lois is trapped in the water, with the only thing left to stop Doomsday.
TLOTA (V.O.):
Superman rescues Lois again, and before this review ends, I wish to go on record once more in saying that it’s sad that the first comic-book-accurate, physically looking “Doomsday” was on “Smallville.” Then, in one last act, the spear kills Doomsday while Doomsday kills Superman.
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
This led to many audiences reacting in a similar manner. (Cut to a conga line of Team TLOTA and Antoni Matteo Garcia dressed as online trolls as they conga “Superman is De-ead! He’s going to Hell For-Ever!” ten times. Cut to “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.) And with that, Lex Luthor is arrested for his crimes and shaven bald as a plucked chicken. The world that matters mourns the loss in the only way it can. With Martha holding a private funeral for her son and Lois being with her to grieve, the nation buries the concept of Superman in a national funeral honoring the dead. Bruce bemoans the fact that he failed Clark and Superman and asks Diana to help him fight for what Superman fought for and died for. Although this world isn’t perfect, there is still good on this planet.
TLOTA (V.O.):
Bruce confronts Lex in Prison, letting him know that he will be watching. The movie ends with Lois tossing dirt, which lifts off Clark’s casket, setting up for the Justice League movie.
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
TLOTA:
Which I already reviewed seven years ago, when it was a better time for me, it goes without saying that...
Antoni Matteo Garcia and TLOTA (In Unison):
THIS MOVIE SUCKS BULL DUNG LACED WITH KRYPTONITE!
(Cut to clips of “Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice” as Antoni Matteo Garcia and The Last Of The Americans do voiceovers.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I will give the movie the following positives: The action was good; it flowed well, and it didn’t move at a snail’s pace. Ben Affleck, Jeremy Irons, Holly Hunter, Gal Gadot, and so many others, save for Jesse Eisenberg, really put their best efforts into making this movie. Plus, the opening’s pacing gave us Batman’s backstory without going through an hour and a half of it. However, much of that is diluted by the fact that the frame rate is woefully inaccurate, often switching between 4:3 and 16:9 at different times. The plot is a senseless mess, the drama is ham-fisted, and I really don’t understand what the point of Lex’s plans was. A lot of it was about catching up and keeping up with the neighbors, and the cost was often the usual in a movie like this: the quality. The Lack of quality hurt this movie and the entire universe. If anything, I would watch it just if there was nothing else on.
Antoni Matteo Garcia (V.O.):
This film was an overall mess of contrivances, rushed plots, and unnecessary melodrama, all for the sake of creating gravity and tension. The ending truly frustrates me because I have always believed that Superman is one superhero who should never die. But here is this damn film making me lose all hope! Jesse Eisenberg never struck me as an actor who could pull off Lex Luthor, and he is woefully miscast. Granted, the likes of Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, and Gal Gadot do their damndest to make this work. However, the overwrought writing and many of the film’s faults make this indubitably unmemorable. I would rather stick with the Justice League and Justice League Unlimited cartoons for awesomely woven storylines in an animated television series format, thank you very much. As for this mess, well, I might as well go chuck this in the phantom zone for good and for all!
(Cut to Antoni Matteo Garcia and James Faraci The Last Of The Americans physically.)
TLOTA:
Thank you for helping me out with this review.
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
Anytime, Oh, don’t forget, next month, James Daniel Walsh is getting everyone together for rehearsals for Celebrity Family Feud. We’ve been invited to participate.
TLOTA:
I know, and we’re going up against...
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
I think we all know who they are, and we will beat them for the site’s charity.
TLOTA:
Well I will rehearse with Rowdy until then, in between Reality Checkout and the rest of the July workload. (Turns to the camera) I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans-
Antoni Matteo Garcia:
And I’m Antoni Matteo Garcia.
TLOTA and Antoni Matteo Garcia (In Unison):
And that’s our opinion.
