Wednesday, November 15, 2023

Top 10 MST3K Mike Nelson Moments

(Scene begins as a finger taps an app on a watch as it opens a portal the 1994 American Gladiators theme song plays , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cuts to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting in his office) 

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, if the past few years of me talking about MST3K have been any indication, then you know who I will talk about since I've talked about Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank and Joel Hodgson, AKA Joel Robinson. So let's meet the man who came in clutch to keep the series going when Joel escaped from the Sattelite Of Love. (Show the clip of Dr. Forrester shouting, "WHAT?! JOEL ESCAPED FROM THE SATELLITE OF LOVE?!" Cut to the MST3K episodes featuring Michael J Nelson as "Mike Nelson" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes, folks, after Joel Hodgson volunteered to step away from the series he started, Lone showrunner Jim Mallon had to find someone to come in clutch and keep The Satellite Of Love running and, by extension, keep Mystery Science Theater 3000 alive. Thankfully, the show had a good enough head writer in the form of Michael J. Nelson. He played Mike Nelson, a temp employee who was at what could be considered either The right place at the right time, the wrong place at the wrong time, the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the right time, either or works in this case. While it took him most of the rest of season five to get his sea legs, when he did, there was NO stopping him, not having the show canceled at Comedy Central, not losing Frank Conniff and Trace Beaulieu, not having the ONLY movie the Best Brains team fail at the box office only to gain the Cult Status, not only seeing the revival at the SciFi Channel be knocked down a peg when Barry Diller basically put the kibosh on it after three seasons, he was solid as a rock! After a ten-year run, he kept everything going until the end of the series. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let's celebrate the man that the fans liked, just not the Mads or Barry Diller; this is the top ten best Mike Nelson moments on MST3K

(Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, and a camera looks around. James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting, and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where what the camera symbolizes and James looking in before closing the door and the words "Top 10 moments of Mike Nelson on Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown, and James closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 10

(Cut to clips of all the characters Michael J. Nelson performed as before becoming the host of MST3K as James does a voiceover)

10) Michael J. Nelson, Utility player and Hexfield Thespian

TLOTA (V.O.):
As I said in the intro before this list, before Michael J Nelson was the host, he was the head writer, and not only that, he was also a utility player performing characters and was a regular in the Hex field. Let's go over the list of characters. We have the voice of Isaac Asimov's Literary Doomsday Device in Women of the Prehistoric Planet, Valeria in Rocketship X-M, JC in The Side Hackers, Imperialistic Alien 1 in Jungle Goddess, Sorri Andropoli in Rocket Attack U.S.A., "Hugh Beaumont" in Lost Continent, The Human Duplicators, the voice of "Abe Vigoda" in First Spaceship on Venus, the voice of Mothra in Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, Gamera - Gamera, Bruce in Daddy-O, Glenn Manning in The Amazing Colossal Man and War of the Colossal Beast, "Jack Perkins" in Fugitive Alien and in the MST3K Turkey Day marathons featuring Jack Perkins, "Michael Feinstein" in Gamera vs. Guiron, Custodian of the Seventh Galaxy in Earth vs. the Spider, Kenny in Gamera vs. Zigra, The Radio Announcer in The Giant Gila Monster, "Morrissey" in City Limits, Holo-clown in Being from Another Planet and Attack of the Giant Leeches, "Steve Reeves" in Hercules Unchained, Mike the Cop in Indestructible Man, Winky in Manhunt in Space, the voice of Tony Travis in The Beatniks, "John Banner" in Crash of Moons, "Larry Buchanan" in Attack of the Eye Creatures, Torgo in "Manos" The Hands of Fate, Operation Double 007, Village of the Giants, San Francisco International, Danger!! Death Ray and Samson vs. the Vampire Women, the voice of Megaweapon in Warrior of the Lost World, the voices of multiple Baywatch characters in Swamp Diamonds, the voice of the Virtual Comedy heckler in Secret Agent Super Dragon, the voice of Frank Sinatra in The Magic Voyage of Sinbad, the voice of Deep 13 computer in Last of the Wild Horses, Toblerone in Escape 2000, Buddy in Parts: The Clonus Horror and The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, Eddie Nelson in Time Chasersthe voice of Lembach in The Projected Man and finally the voice of Goosio in Final Justice. Phew, what a talent! And most of them were after he became the host. So, imagine if someone on YouTube with half of Michael does all that today! He'd be one of the best by today! Michael was doing this at a time when television was the only way to break into regular acting in hopes of getting into movies. So Michael, for being so talented, I salute you.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looks in, uses a Bulb Baster, and closes the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 9

(Cut to the MST3K episode "Mitchell" as James does a voiceover.)
9) "Mitchell" AKA Enter Mike Nelson and Joel Robinson's escape from the Sattelite Of Love (Show the clip of Dr. Forrester shouting, "WHAT?! JOEL ESCAPED FROM THE SATELLITE OF LOVE?!" Cut to the MST3K episode "Mitchell" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As I have gone over in great detail MANY times about Joel leaving MST3K by his partner Jim Mallon, the cast and crew prepared themselves for the new host. But who could fill in the jumpsuit? Thankfully, Michael J. Nelson was willing to come in clutch and take the hosting duties himself. The episode, for the most part, is an average Joel episode. That is if the story of how "G" thought that the mads were going to unalive Joel because he refused to break after all the years of watching bad movies and only making jokes to keep what sanity he had left, when if in fact, "G" had opened up the coms earlier, "G" would've heard them talking about doing it to their temp Mike Nelson. Instead, "G" got Joel off and inadvertently forced the mads to use Mike as the new test experiment for the mads to torment. I also liked how they were able to allow Joel to finish the riffing of "Mitchell" and how they were able to make the transition from Joel hosting to Mike hosting smoother than Joe Don Baker's style.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Renee putting a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8

(Cut to the MST3K "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" episode as James does a voiceover)

8) "The Brain That Wouldn't Die"

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After Joel Left, Mike stepped in, and his early episodes were difficult because he was forced to wear Joel's Shoes. And in this episode, while in the host segments, he had to deal with Joel's shadow. But in the riff segments, we would see the brilliance of Mike Nelson start to crack slowly but surely through the movie riffs. After watching what Mike was doing when he was allowed to be Mike in this episode, while it took a while, I was glad to watch the beginning of Mike's greatness.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Paulo and Brenda Fonseca putting their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.)  

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 7

(Cut to the MST3K episode "Girls Town" as James does a voiceover)

7) "Girls Town"

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is where we start to see Mike completely control the Sattelite Of Love as the Invention Exchange is replaced with Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank connecting the Sattelite, and then we have the experiment. Then we have the plot device for this and the following season called the Umbilicus that the MADS would use for future experiments and a Deus Ex Machina. But the moment with Mike and the bots involves Tom Servo at the end of the first act. Tom Servo decides to scat, and the results are comically excellent. (Cut to Tom Servo as he scats. Cut to James physically.

TLOTA:
Let's look at this moment again. (Cut to Tom Servo as he scats, and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Tom Servo talks about how much he likes to scat. So, to entertain himself, Mike, and Crow, he scats happily throughout the entire moment. Meanwhile, it takes Mike half a second to be bored to death. Crow jumps off the screen as quickly as Servo Scats then comes back with a burlap sack. Mike then stamps Tom Servo into the sack and seals him in a 60-gallon water drum that doubles as an Acme rocket! And just before Tom is sent into the depths of space. The Commercial sign puts the kibosh on those plans. What's Tom Servo doing? Happily scatting. That is just how calm he was all the while Mike and Crow were just trying to launch him into the depths of space. It was so good that it was worthy of this list.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes, and Nick Yaun puts a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 6

(Cut to clips of "MST3K: Lazerblast" & "MST3K: The Movie" as James does a voiceover)

6) "Lazerblast" & MST3K The Movie

TLOTA (V.O.):
After Comedy Central gave the series the axe, Jim Mallon was shopping the series around for a new network. While doing so, he decided to enact a plan he and then co-creator Joel Hodgson had lying around. It's a movie about the gang on the Sattelite as they riff on possibly the movie that would break the subject and then sell the movie for capital. However, as the process went on, the movie became the movie we all know and has a cult classic love for "Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie." The movie riffed in the movie "This Island Earth" was the caveat for Universal to pick up the movie through one of its subsidiary Grammercy Films, and then the series would return on what is now known as the SyFy Channel. While Rowdy, The Nostalgia Kid, and I went over this a few years ago. They really gave Mike a lot in this movie. Even in the Deleted Scenes, he was good.  Plus, if the series had ended with Lazerblast, it would've been a fine send-off for Mike, The Bots, and the series, as Dr. Forrester had lost funding for the project. Mike and the bots shed their corporeal forms to become beings of pure light as Clayton Forrester becomes a Starchild. As I said, if the series had ended here, it would've ended everything well. Thankfully, it didn't end here.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Rebecca Yaun moving the Stuffing over, placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven, and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 5 

(Cut to Season 8 of MST3K as James does a voiceover)

5) The first SyFy (Sci-Fi) Channel Season

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a seven-year run on Comedy Central and a movie that would obtain cult status on its own merits, The SyFy (Sci-Fi) Channel was willing to give the Sattelite Of Love a new home, and with Trace Beaulieu having left the series for greener pastures, some holes needed to be filled. First up was a team of MADS. Surprisingly, the first hole was set up at the end of the Comedy Central run with the advent of Dr. Clayton Forester's mother, Pearl, played by Mary Jo Pehl. Throughout this season, she would get her own Dr. Earhardt and TV's Frank in the form of Professor Bobo, Played by Kevin Murphy, and Observer, played by Bill Corbett, who would fill in the other hole. As I said, Trace left, and they needed someone who could perform as Crow. As happenstance would have it, Bill Corbett sounds similar enough to Trace, and while it took Bill some time to put everything together for Crow, he could make Crow his own. What also sets this season on the list is that a story arc happened for Mike. The fact that he accidentally blew up the Earth five centuries after season 7. They blew up the planet of the observers. Then they had to rescue the new MADS and blow up another planet with a baking soda bomb! Mike then has to go to trial for his role as destroyer of planets, only for them to end in Ancient Rome. Then, we are back to our time at the start of season nine. So yeah, it's really worth it to be back on TV and this time on SyFy (Sci-Fi) Channel.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground wherein the camera symbolizes John Ross Santos moving the Croissant Rolls and placing them in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 4
(Cut to the title card of the MST3K episode "Werewolf" as an arrow points to it as it cuts to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover )

TLOTA (V.O.):
There is a reason why I cannot say the title of this movie, and it's not for a lack of trying. This movie made it impossible for me to say the title. As a matter of fact, what you're about to see is every single attempt at me stating the title of this movie (Cut to James physically in a Soundbooth with an engineer played by Doug Yaun)
 
The Engineer (Audio only):
Okay, James, when you're ready. 

TLOTA:
I'm ready.

The Engineer (Audio Only):
Okay, and Number Four audio title clip recording and go! (James continually says "Werewolf" in so many different ways outside the actual way to say it.) James, you've been at this for fifty takes. What the hell is going on?

TLOTA:
I'm sorry. I was watching the movie, and I've been trying to translate how they say it into English.

The Engineer (Audio only):
Are you shitting me?! Okay, does ANYONE in the movie you're trying to say actually say it clearly enough to loop it in?

TLOTA:
One guy who does that is called "Sam The Keeper" in the movie. 

The Engineer (Audio only):
Okay, Fuck it, we'll dub it in. (Cut to clips of the MST3K "Werewolf" episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So when you hear me say (Audio of "Sam The Keeper" saying "Werewolf") in this part, it's not me; it's Sam The Keeper saying (Audio of "Sam The Keeper" saying "Werewolf"). Anyway, an archeological dig set in Arizona where an asshat of an archeologist is basically in it for the fame and glory when the team he antagonizes claims they found a skeleton of a (Audio of "Sam The Keeper" saying "Werewolf") or as they call it a "Yetiglanchi." And before you know it, all sorts of madness is unleashed. The episode's director and Tom Servo puppeteer, Kevin Murphy, called this movie "A gift from God" because it got the MST3K treatment a whopping two years after it was released. For me, one of the better moments was at the start of the second act as Mike trips on Crow and then slowly but surely becomes a Were-Crow through the episode's final act. While they continue to riff on (Audio of "Sam The Keeper" saying "Werewolf"), by the end of the episode, Mike's gone full-on Crow, and Tom Servo has some essence of Mike doesn't know where or how he got it, nor do I care where he got it. Still, it's safe to say that after the episode, he got tired of being Crow and cured himself. This was just awesome, and so many of the riffs were easy partly because the Eastern European actors make Tommy Wiseau sound like an English Major, and that became an easy source of humor, which I liked about this episode. There is nothing left to say except... (Cut to Natalie as she says, "This is absolutely fascinating!" in her broken English as it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA:
You're right, Shis iz Asholuthey Hashinati!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Mike Santos as He places corn in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 3

(Cut to the MST3K episode "Soultaker" as James does a voiceover)

3) The only time Mike and Joel meet face to face and the start of the final season

TLOTA (V.O.): 
They started off their final season by showing that the Sattelite Of Love was starting to fall apart at the seams. While the riffing was still good, and "Soultaker" was a great movie to riff to start this season off with, what makes this episode worthy of their list is who they were able to get to help repair the Sattelite as Joel returned years after leaving the show and the Sattelite, Joel has returned to fix the Sattelite. While fans hoped they would see Joel and Mike riff on a movie in an episode, it was not meant to be. Though they could do riffs together on tours, they did riff on an MST3K Reunion special for Rifftrax, so that's something fantastic for fans like me.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Ed Champion and Andrew Beach placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door to reveal the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2
(Cut to clips of MST3K episodes "Girl In Gold Boots" & "Final Justice" as James does a voiceover.)

2) "The Girl In Gold Boots" and "Final Justice"

TLOTA (V.O.): 
What I liked about these episodes was how fun they were. Starting off with "The Girl In Gold Boots," imagine "Showgirls" done in the 1960s and without Elizabeth Berkley and Joe Esterhauz (Cut to the clip of "The Girl In Gold Boots" as Crow shouts "MADNESS!" as Mike cries and Tom Servo goes nuts. "IT'S MADNESS! IT'S MADNESS! IT'S! (Screaming madly)."  Cut to the MST3K Episode "The Girl In Gold Boots" clips as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, this is one of the craziest movies they had to riff. This is partly due to the story arc for Pearl in this season, who was looking to get board-certified as a mad scientist to, you guessed it, Take Over The World! (Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut to the MST3K Episode "Final Justice" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now, onto "Final Justice," Remember, Mike's Era started with the Joe Don Baker Movie "Mitchell" and how they made fun of Joe Don Baker in "Mitchell" because of how disheveled he was and his eating habits were very much a source of jokes and of course at the end of "Mitchell" Joel escaped. Mike was sure enough sent in his stead. In the "Final Justice" episode, they were Merciless towards Joe Don Baker. By the end of the episode, Mike thought he would get out of the Sattelite because he watched a Joe Don Baker movie. However, when Tom Servo told Mike, they thought Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank would use Method 53 to eliminate Joel. This leads me to wonder why they didn't Mike get upset at the bots for their mistake and why Mike wasn't upset at The MADS for sacrificing what he was doing to be tormented. I will never get the answer to that question. It would've been a great movie to end the series. Thankfully, the number one spot will fill in the spot of the ending, allowing Mike to get closure and find himself after leaving the Sattelite.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Eric Kurtzke placing Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However, the weight of what's in the oven falls, causing a crater in the Kitchen; it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting, "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven is revealing the Number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
 And the number one moment on Mystery Science Theater 3000 featuring Mike Nelson is...

(Cut to the MST3K finale "Diabolik," "The Film Crew," and "Rifftrax" as James does a voiceover)

1) The end of MST3K as we knew it and life for Mike after MST3K

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a spectacular ten years on TV, MST3K ended with one last riff after futzing around with the Sattelite on a Joystick that breaks; the Sattelite of Love finally begins to reenter the earth, and for the last movie in Mike's Era and for A LONG time it was the final episode ever. With the MADS disbanding after this event, Pearl becomes a mad dictator of Kataar, Bobo gets a job at a Zoo, and Observer is restated somewhere deep in space. The crew in the Sattelite Of Love watched this movie based on an Italian comic book, and the riffs were hilarious. When the riff was over, seeing the Sattelite come crashing down felt symbolic of the end of the series. Had it ended on the white fade, that would've been the saddest ending to a series I would've seen. Thankfully, the bots are now with Mike as "G" becomes a tech billionaire, and Mike and The Bots enjoy life together in a studio flat and continue to riff movies together, that is, until the return of MST3K. As for what happened to Michael J Nelson after MST3K, that is an interesting postscript. A few years after the series ended, Michael, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett joined forces with the people working with the company that was releasing the series on DVD on a new riffing series called "The Film Crew." However, MST3K Co-Creator Jim Mallon was giving Michael and the others Tsouris for "The Film Crew," but sadly, it was short-lived after the events with Jim Mallon. However, Michael J Nelson bounced back after getting a new job at a small production company, which led Michael to contact Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, and with that, we got the rightful successor to MST3K called "Rifftrax"! And with no Jim Mallon to interfere, "Rifftrax" has flourished, and since then, Michael has done well for himself. Overall, I am glad for Michael for staying his course and discovering how he can keep the Riffing going after leaving the Sattelite of Love and hosting Mystery Science Theater 3000. (Cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any MORE moments that I missed? Then let me know in the Comments section. As for the future of MST3K, there is some news about a crowdfunding project. If there is another season, I hope Michael, Kevin, and Bill return to the MST3K groove with Joel, Jonah, and Emily; however, not as Mike and the Bots. I hope Michael has just finished rebuilding the Sattelite to where it's externally and internally, like Jonah's Sattelite with Bill and Kevin. (Static cuts to Kinga Forrester on Moon One.)

Kinga Forrester:
That's a brilliant idea! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Kinga, you have yet to take any movies I wanted to see get riffed.  (Cut to Kinga Forrester on Moon One)

Kinga Forrester:
Well, after getting the money from what we got from replays of the last season and reruns of the classic series to pay Dr. Kabahl every dollar for funding the Gizmoplex and the repairs of the Kingadome, we need this crowdfunding project to succeed if we're going to keep torturing Jonah, Emily, and Joel! Now you want to throw the competition into the mix?! (Kinga has a "Wait a minute" look.) You know, that is a great idea! MAX! Call Earhardt and tell him to get Mike, Bill, and Kevin, AKA the guys from RIFFTRAX in the Sattelite, and do whatever he has to do to get it done. (Cut to James physically)
 
TLOTA:
Oh Crap! I may have made a big-ass boo-boo! ( The MST3K Turkey Day Hymn plays) Now it's Turkey Day Marathon time. Next Month is December, So there will be a gift guide and the top five best moments from this year's The Last Of The Americans run, and a special top ten to celebrate Ten Years' worth of reviewing, The Top Ten BEST reviews of The Last Of The Americans (So Far) to round off this year on December 21st. Until then, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion! (James rushes off-screen and then says off-screen, "Crap! Push the button, James!" James pushes the button as the review shuts off; it cuts to Team TLOTA as they continue trying to break through the lock as Professor Hiram Stupidiot finishes getting everyone, including himself, sustenance to keep working.)

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
I signed up for something else. A couple of -Inators and boom, the West Coast dominated.

TLOTA:
Don't complain, it's not good for your health!

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
Oh, trust me, I know you can do the whole Kali-Ma Thuggee moment from "Temple Of Doom." I may be a supervillain scientist bent on taking over the entire West Coast, but I know better than to mess with you.

TLOTA:
Good, you can learn. Take what you've learned and try to get ORAC on my side. You know where it is, and you're withholding this knowledge as a bargaining chip for the entire West Coast. It will cost you one day, but get to work for now.  (Cut to a door opening as Professor Hiram Stupidiot enters ORAC's Chamber and is immediately greeted with a swift kick to the jaw.)

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
Okay, what hit (A Boot steps on Professor Stupidiot's throat, and a Shush is heard, followed by the chamber door closing to reveal The Engineer who has been hiding since seeing the Hologram of James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans appear.)

The Engineer:
That was too close for my taste! (The Engineer picks Professor Hiram Stupidiot up.) So, any news from James or anyone else.

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
No, and I am as worried about this situation as much as you are. ORAC, anything close to the actual James' signal.

ORAC:
Sadly, I have had no success in finding him. Now, I must ask the salient questions. One, Why are you here, Stupidiot? And Second, what is your name, Engineer?

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
The actual James has me on a retainer to keep me out of harm's way, and while, yes, I may not be an honest man, but at least I am one hundred percent human, and I won't work for some stinking computer program. Neither will you, uh...

The Engineer:
Call me Doug!

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
Okay, no offense, but the online world has learned not to trust everyone named Doug! But I digress, what's the next move?

Doug:
We still have some time before the locks are opened, and in trying to keep that AI from taking over, I found a lost review and supplemental review that will buy us some more time before the locks are gone. We must play it close to the chest like James would. I've been using ORAC to let anyone outside those guys on the same transmission frequency to keep anyone close to James on what's happening. (Doug shows Professor Stupidiot what Rowdy is doing on his phone.)

Professor Hiram Stupidiot:
I know him; he goes by Rowdy, and if he thinks I'm with that AI program, let's just say it won't end well. I saw firsthand his reaction to the 2011 World Series. There's a reason I sound like this; that's the reason. Contact his cats and tell them what is really going on. Now, back to the charade. (Professor Hiram Stupidiot walks out of the chamber.) So close, yet so far! (The Chamber closes as it cuts to black)

Thursday, November 9, 2023

"Stuff"ed and "Fry"-ed Turkeys of Alton Brown

(Scene begins in Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy’s place) 


James Faraci: 
Just what do you mean my character is trying to take me over. 


Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
Well, believe it or not, you are in control of what is happening, not James Faraci The Last Of The Americans. You are fighting to balance everything in your life. Whether with what you review as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans or whether you and Alex can make what is happening in James Faraci The Last Of The Americans a reality. While yes, Alex is a powerful force in your life, what has she truly done for you? 


James Faraci: 
Well, if my head is working right, I wrote a script for her, which she has rejected, and I am in college, and she doesn’t even care. Why are you doing this to me? 


Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
Because the truth is far more potent than the fantasy. Ooh, Speaking of fantasy. It’s time for the fantasy to play out some more.  


(Scene cuts to a finger taps on a smartwatch as the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts as it taps the app as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he's played until it cut to his face and the credit of "James Faraci" is shown as it cuts to "The Last Of The Americans'" current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they've played until it cut to their faces and the credits of "Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun" is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they've played until it cut to their faces and the credits of "John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion" is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of "Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath" is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Special Guest Stars Nigel Ng as “Uncle Roger”, Joshua Weissman and Miranda Ellis” "Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci" as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into "The Last Of The Americans" and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title "THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS" is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays as it cuts to James, Julia Alexa Miller, Rowdy and Miranda Ellis in The Kitchen in James’ office.) 


TLOTA: 
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and these are, of course, Rowdy, Alex, and this lovely lady at the end is Miranda Ellis, last seen on my Law & Order Special Victims Unit Season 21-24 review, and since it’s November, It’s Thanksgiving time so guess what, it is time to cook us a Turkey and guess who’s helping (Joshua Weismann and Uncle Roger played by Nigel Ng pop jump cut in) 


Joshua Weismann: 
Hello! 


Uncle Roger: 
Fuuiyooo! (Cut to James as he walks to the two of them) 


TLOTA: 
Hi, what’s going on? (Cut to Uncle Roger and Joshua Weismann) 


Uncle Roger: 
Uncle Joshua wanted to teach me how to cook a turkey, which I need to do to find new Auntie.  


Joshua Weismann: 
That and Chad Narducci invited us because I have actual restaurant cooking experience. (Cut to James) 


TLOTA: 
Hiiiyaah! (Cut to Uncle Roger) 


Uncle Roger: 
So you are fan of mine. (Cut to James) 


TLOTA: 
Yep, but now you will learn from a master who taught me. Alton Brown! (Cut to clips of Alton Brown as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
And just so you’re aware, Uncle Roger, Alton has done Asian Cuisine, but this month is all about Thanksgiving, and when it comes to Thanksgiving, it’s about Turkey. He is a master at making Turkey Flavorful, Juicy and, of course, “Good Eats” and the fact his series is STILL being aired to this day means that it will stand the test of time. (Cut to everyone in the Kitchen) 

TLOTA: 
However, as I mentioned last year, he did have some backlash when it came to one thing he talked about when he cooked his first turkey, which we will get to. But first, we’re going to help my friend cook with a Turkey Fryer, safely, which just so happens to be our first of a double feature of “Good Eats.” (Cut to the title cards of “Fry, Turkey Fry!” and “Stuff It!” Cut to clips of the episodes as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
In the early millennium, we decided that frying Turkeys would be better than Roasting Turkeys drier than the top of the Himalayas. And wouldn’t you know it, even that was going to be a problem, thankfully Alton Brown will be here to keep us from blowing up our backyards and winding up Barbequed as we fry the bird, and after we’re done frying the bird, we’re going to try to stuff the bird for Alton to eat crow. (Cut to everyone in the Kitchen)  


TLOTA: 
And apparently, since someone needs some assistance in using a Turkey Fryer. 


Rowdy: 
Working on not getting more help in future reviews from me, are we, James? 


Miranda Ellis: 
Oh, relax, I’ve made my fair share of bad butterballs, so maybe if I can learn how to fry the bird, I might be able to do some cooking. 


Uncle Roger: 
Uncle Roger wants to learn alongside you as well; never had fried Turkey! 


Joshua Weismann: 
So, will we follow Alton’s suggestion to cook the bird? 


TLOTA: 
And get a Zen simple suggestion on how to brine our birds because the brine we will be using is in both the fried and the stuffed bird. For now, let’s start our turkey odyssey with “Fry Turkey Fry!” (Cut to “Fry Turkey Fry” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The episode opens with two housewives wondering about the turkey and one telling the other about how dangerous frying the bird was when... (Show clip of an explosion, a man screaming off-screen, and the two housewives getting out of the way as a flaming bird land in the kitchen. Cut to everyone in the Kitchen.) 


Uncle Roger: 
What the hell is that? Is that chunk of asteroid from space that came when Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis blew it up? 


Joshua Weismann: 
Actually, that is a representation of what a bad fried turkey looks like, I think. 



Rowdy: 
Memories of failed attempts to fry the bird and the frustration from them, rising! (Rowdy picks up a baseball bat. Cut to “Fry Turkey Fry” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
We soon find Alton telling us about how people have tried frying turkeys more and more every year and how many wind up in the burn ward or even worse. Thankfully, Alton will turn the frying of the bird and not only make it safe and “Good Eats.” After a brief dissertation about turkeys, how they’re prepared, and the expectations, we come to the brine. (Show a clip of Alton making his brine for frying the bird. Cut to everyone in the Kitchen.) 


TLOTA: 
This is fine, but I prefer easy brine on the vacuum brining bucket. Starting with six quarts of Turkey Broth, Homemade is best, along with a pound of Agave Nectar and half a pound of Kosher Salt. 


Uncle Roger: 
And now we put in MSG!  


TLOTA: 
AIIYAA! Put that poison away, or put it on the mouse traps! Okay, believe it or not, earlier this year, I had been forced to get a physical. I discovered I have a low MSG tolerance level. Basically, Seaweed, low sodium Broths, and Stocks, Mushrooms, Low Sodium Soy Sauce, and anything else with a LOW or Natural MSG level, that’s fine. That stuff right there, you might as well kill me right now! 


Rowdy: 
Well, that does explain the fact that you look like you dropped quite a few pounds. 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Yeah, Rowdy, and you look like you’ve dropped a few yourself. 


Miranda Ellis: 
I agree; you look good. 


Joshua Weismann: 
Can we PLEASE get back to the prepping and frying of one of these birds and the stuffing and roasting of the other one sadly, I’m going to have to agree with him on this for now, Uncle Roger! (Joshua sighs, and Uncle Roger calls James, “Pussy!” as it cuts to “Fry Turkey Fry” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
After prepping the brine taking out the giblets and thermometer, Alton now turns towards finding the right fryer and the right tools to use since turkey frying is an outdoor activity. While getting an inferior frying kit sounds interesting, Alton suggests getting the frying set up a la Carte!  


Uncle Roger (V.O.): 
Al a what? 


TLOTA (V.O.) 
Basically, piece it together yourself. 


Uncle Roger (V.O.): 
Why not say that it makes him sound above his audience trying to do this Haiyaa! 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
After getting the burner, the pot, the accessories, the four gallons of peanut oil, and the propane tank, Alton shows the right spot to do the turkey frying... (Cut to James and everyone in James’ personal backyard!) 


TLOTA: 
Which just so happens to be in the backyard! And we are in my backyard.  


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Which is beautiful right now. 


Rowdy: 
So now we’re ready to fry? 

(James nods no. Cut to “Fry Turkey Fry as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
As we see in this demonstration, we find out what happens if the following is done with the bird having ice in it and is wet or if we overfill the oil in the pot and it is over 400 degrees Fahrenheit. The results... (Show Turkey Fryer engulfed in fire.) 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
Now I’m really getting Déjà vu from this moment. 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Well, Alton decides that the rest of the episode will be dedicated to safely frying the bird. After securing the bird and using displacement to find out how much oil to operate safely to fry the bird, yes, it depends on how big the fryer is, and how much oil it takes. Still, usually, four gallons of peanut oil is suggested because of its high smoke point! 


Joshua Weismann (V.O.): 
Now we start the frying? 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Not yet. We soon see Alton’s turkey frying safety denouement, The Turkey Derrick! Using cotton sash cord, pulleys, a carabiner, and putting a window cleat and a Zip tie on a ladder, we are close to ready to fry. (Cut to James and everyone else in James’ backyard.) 


TLOTA: 
And now we’re ready as I turn the burner on, and we wait for the oil to reach 250 degrees, exactly, and Rowdy, you’re going to have the honor of lowering the bird into the oil.  


Rowdy: 
Goodie. (Joshua checks the temperature) 


Joshua Weismann: 
Now that the temperature is safe for lowering the bird into the fryer anything higher will cause you to be fried as much as the turkey. Which is where we are now. 


TLOTA: 
Okay, everyone, stand back. Rowdy, grab the cord and have the bird do the best Han Solo in “Empire Strikes Back” and lower him into the fryer. Is your grip on the cord good? 


Rowdy: 
Yep, a few feet back, and I am good to drop the bird in. (Rowdy slowly lowers the bird into the oil, and then James picks it up about a quarter inch above the bottom of the pan as the two tie a cleat knot. Cut to “Fry Turkey Fry as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
At this point, I agree with Alton that as soon as the oil temperature reaches 350 degrees it takes a half an hour and after that, Alton stays put and adjusts the flame to maintain the temperature of the oil for another half an hour. (Cut to everyone in James’ Backyard) 


TLOTA: 
Which has just passed; I’ll raise the bird, you temp it, if it’s at 155 degrees in the thigh and close enough to the breast meat, we’ll let it hang for a few minutes to allow for the carryover and to let the excess oil drip out. (Cut to “Fry Turkey Fry as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Which is what happened as the episode ends with Alton enjoying the Fried Turkey, and we see a gangsta wookie dump frying oil in Alton’s next-door neighbor's yard. (Cut to everyone in the Kitchen) 


TLOTA: 
Which is kind of weird, but hey, we’ve gotten through one turkey, which I think is tasty even though I put myself in a health crisis by eating fried turkey, and I’m going to put it even further in danger by what I’m about to do next. But if you’re not down with it, I’ve got two words for you (Audio of a WWE Audience saying, “SUCK IT!” as everyone looks around) close, it’s “STUFF IT!” (Cut to “Stuff It!” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The episode opens with Alton getting his annual amount of Thanksgiving Tsouris for stuffing cooked in the bird. 


Joshua Weismann (V.O.): 
Which I think he doesn’t deserve. 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
But Alton wants to try and challenge himself to attain the unattainable goal of seeing if they can make a Turkey cooked with stuffing that can be eaten. To start the challenge, Alton let three home cooks make their stuffed bird. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
This is where Joshua, Rowdy, Uncle Roger, Alex, Miranda and myself will cook our version of a stuffed bird to see where we can go when we make the stuffed turkey in the same vein Alton made his stuffed turkey. We’re paired off into teams of two. Me and Alex, Rowdy and Miranda, and finally Uncle Roger and Joshua, Ready? (Everyone nods yes) Allez Cuisine! (Cut to everyone cooking as Joshua Weismann does a voiceover.) 


Joshua Weismann (V.O.): 
Starting off with Julia Alexa Miller, who is being assisted by James as she is using a yeasty bakery bread that can go stale that I found out has the fewest carbs possible. James is rendering some bacon while sweating off three thinly diced celery ribs and greens, one jumbo onion diced at the same time, warming up some of that Turkey broth while scrambling the legendary Spanish duo of Dos Huevos! (That means Two Eggs) We then see Julia Alexa Miller using Sage, Thyme, and Rosemary for the herbs and of course, Salt and pepper. Meanwhile, we see Rowdy using eggs, cream, and seasoned croutons, which look storebought (Papa spank him later for that.), and we see that he and Miranda are teaming up and using the same spices and herbs as Julia Alexa Miller is using. Meanwhile, I am making my dressing, which I have made for YEARS now but am modifying it to be cooked into an average-sized chicken for the oven! As is everyone else. Meanwhile, Uncle Roger is assisting me with the cooking as we sneak in a healthy amount of (Singing): MSG! (Though James doesn’t know it.). We soon put our stuffing into the chickens, and then put them in the oven. Me and Uncle Roger put a thermometer in the bird and the stuffing, as do Rowdy and Miranda, as well as James and Julia Alexa Miller. (Cut to everyone as they see that their birds and stuffing are nearly at the same temperature, coming together with the carryover handling the rest of the cooking. Then cut to James as he tries a bite of Joshua and Uncle Roger’s bird and stuffing as well as Rowdy and Miranda’s, Rowdy trying Alex and James’ Bird and Stuffing as well as Joshua and Uncle Roger’s, and Joshua and Uncle Roger trying Alex and James’ bird and stuffing as well as Rowdy and Miranda’s.) 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Wow, these are delicious. 


TLOTA: 
Kudos to you, Joshua, and Uncle Roger, a superb bird and stuffing. The same goes for you, Rowdy, and you Miranda.  


Rowdy, Joshua Weismann, Uncle Roger, and Miranda (In unison): 
Thank you. (Cut to Joshua and Uncle Roger.) 


Joshua Weismann: 
Now, James, I noticed you were a little strong with the garlic. 


Uncle Roger: 
Uncle Joshua is correct; it is not Garlic Fried Rice; it is stuffing for the bird and all the natural amounts of MSG in the food. Fuuiyooo! And Rowdy, is it? Your stuffing looked mushy like Rachel Ray, Jamie Oliver, Kay cooking channel, and British rice making. Hiiiyaah! Taste like weak shit. (Cut to Rowdy and Miranda) 


Miranda Ellis: 
Yeah, I wonder how Alton’s control group did. 


Rowdy: 
Well, let’s see. (Show clip of Alton as he tells how test subject one got the bird cooked, but the stuffing got undercooked to 140 degrees, and the bird is disposed of. Alton tells how test Subject Two’s stuffing and bird are overcooked, and Test Subject Three takes his stuffed bird and walks away. Cut to everyone looking, and they pull out cards spelling out “Dull Surprise!” (Cut to “Stuff It!” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, Alton discovers what the stuffing should be like, thanks to a late-night classic, whose Iconic host was about my grandparents’ age when I first saw him. That's right, Alton’s stuffing believes that his Turkey Stuffing should be like “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson!” Starting with the aromatics AKA Johnny (Show still of “Johnny” from “The Room” as everyone shouts, “WRONG JOHNNY!” Cut to “Stuff It!” as James does his voiceover) Alton uses a Cajun permutation of Mirepoix known as The Trinity. Bell Peppers, which happen to be Chilies, Onions, and Celery. As for the filler, aka Ed McMahon, Alton decides on Challah Bread. For the herbs and spices, aka Doc Severinson Alton, decides on dried parsley and dried rubbed sage, two teaspoons of each. For Doc’s band, aka the binder, Alton goes for the legendary Dos Huevos. Then we see that Alton has decided that there must be two guests to assist in the flavor department. The first guest was the “A-Lister,” and for Alton, his “A-Lister” dried mushrooms rehydrated in chicken broth, the second guest was either an animal or tech or musical guest, and for Alton, that means he goes for Pecans! Assembly begins, but the problem is how will they stuff 200-degree stuffing into a turkey? The Solution? Fill the stuffing in a cotton sack for vegetables for shopping. (Cut to James and everyone in the kitchen) 


TLOTA: 
After enjoying all the stuffings we had, we’re pulling a Joshua Weismann and taking what we did right and make the best stuffed turkey. Joshua, let ‘er rip! (Cut to everyone in the kitchen as Joshua Weismann does a voiceover.) 


Joshua Weismann: 
Starting off with James’ stuffing we take the bread, herbs and aromatic veggies from his stuffing, the chunks or as Alton calls them “The A-Lister" and “B-Lister” which happen to be Sun Dried Tomatoes, but we drained the excess liquids out of them and toasted and chopped Almonds. Next up we have the only binder my team’s stuffing, James’ team’s stuffing and Rowdy’s team’s binder Eggs and an eighth of the amount of cream from Rowdy’s stuffing and a quarter of the amount of Turkey Broth from James’ Stuffing and from my team, we brown sausage and render the fat to cook James’ aromatics. We then take from Rowdy’s stuffing his method of warming the stuffing for the bird. We warm it in the toaster oven just in a cheesecloth sack, then warm it through without having it fully cooked. Overcook it and papa spank! James then preps the oven to a ripping five-hundred-degree oven we then follow Alton’s directions. (Cut to “Stuff It!” as Alton places his stuffing pouch in the bird, then puts twin probe thermometers one in the stuffing pouch and the other one into the turkey thigh meat and then into the oven and then how he cooks it until both the thigh meat and stuffing reach the same temperature. Cut to James and everyone in the kitchen.) 


TLOTA: 
Good advice. But how and why Alton figures out why we like stuffing is kind of interesting, seeing as how his solution is about a dying format. (Cut to Alton’s reasoning why Americans like Stuffing because they’re like sitcoms. Cut to James and everyone in the kitchen.) 


Rowdy: 
If he has ever seen “The Big Bang Theory” he might think otherwise about sitcoms. 


TLOTA: 
I see your “The Big Bang Theory” and raise you a “Superstore.” (Twin chirping is heard) 


Joshua Weismann: 
Sounds like we’re ready. (Everyone goes to the stove as they see 160 degrees on both thermometers.) 


TLOTA: 
Bullseye. Letting carryover do the voodoo that it can do so well. And a one and a two and away the stuffing is out of the bird and let it rest. In the meantime, (Cut to “Stuff It!” as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Alton finally eats stuffing from the bird and with it a WHOPPING side of crow and admits Turkey with Stuffing cooked in the bird, is good! Then he decides to throw one last recipe which we will let him do. (Show end recipe of Alton’s stuffed Acorn Squash.) And the episode ends with Alton having been humbled after years of getting tsouris for saying Stuffing Turkey is Evil when it can be, in fact, Good Eats. (Cut to James and everyone in the kitchen.) 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
As is this stuffing, James, it is the best of our united cooking abilities. 


TLOTA and Everyone else (In unison): 
No disagreement here! (Cut to clips of “Fry Turkey, Fry!” & “Stuff It!” as James does a voiceover.)  


TLOTA (V.O.): 
So that was “Fry Turkey, Fry!” and “Stuff It!” and I must admit, these episodes are great. “Stuff It!” is a great companion piece along with “Behind The Bird: The Remains Of The Bird” as a sequel to “Romancing The Bird” and seeing someone getting humbled after having to defend a stance with stuffing turkey with a flavorful and edible stuffing was and is evil being made to eat crow after so long is fun to watch along with other classic Thanksgiving shows and specials. (Cut to James and everyone else in the Kitchen.) 


Uncle Roger: 
Uncle Roger would like to see some of these Thanksgiving classics if you would not mind. 


TLOTA: 
Follow me (Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they watch “Turkeys Away” from “WKRP In Cincinnati” as the audio has Les Nessman begins describing the events and then when the description of the fact that Turkeys are being thrown out of a Helicopter and people are running for their lives.) 


Uncle Roger: 
WHAT THE HELL WAS THEY SMOKING! TOSSING LIVE TURKEYS OUT OF HELICOPTER?! Where was PETA?! Uncle Roger must lower leg from couch! Haiyaah! 


TLOTA: 
The fallout lasted the rest of the series. 


Rowdy: 
Poor Les, the guy was caught in the chaos! (Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they watch “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” as they come to the blowout between Neil and Del as Uncle Roger and Joshua Weismann cry) 


Joshua Weismann (Crying): 
No matter how many times, it makes me got dang cry! 


Uncle Roger (Crying): 
Fuuiyoo! (Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they watch “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” as they discover Del and Neil had a whopper of a night and Neil discovers Del has his hand up Neil’s butt!) 


Uncle Roger: 
So after blow-up they have make up gay sex? (Uncle Roger breaks character just long enough to say, “Sorry Children!”)  


Uncle Roger: 
And as if Neil did not get enough of Del last night, he wash his face in Del’s Underwear? (Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they watch “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” and Neil drops his F-Bombs.) 


Uncle Roger: 
That is a lot of fucks! 


Rowdy: 
It gave the movie its “R” Rating. (Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they see the finale of “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” as Neil brings Del home and everyone cries for one minute straight. Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they watch “A Garfield Thanksgiving”) 


Uncle Roger: 
This guy learn how to cook from Rachael Ray, Jamie Oliver, and Nigella Lawson Weejos. Haiyaah! 


Rowdy: 
Jon Arbuckle was never the sharpest knife in the drawer. (Cut to Uncle Roger and everyone else as they watch “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving) 


Joshua Weismann: 
It’s not that hard for anyone to put a turkey into the oven. It’s just as easy to do that as toast and popcorn. While yes, things have improved to the point that a ten-year-old can cook a Thanksgiving meal, WITH adult supervision, it’s not that difficult. 


Rowdy: 
I can do that no question and I live in a tent in Anaheim, and I can do it on a little camper oven and stove and now a turkey fryer. 


TLOTA: 
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion. (Cut to James and Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy.) 


James Faraci: 
Oh my god! What did I just watch? I made an ass out of myself! I think I know why that voice is telling me to go west, to end it! 


Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 

Right, Wait, what? 


James Faraci: 
Don’t you see? If I go, so does the character, and everyone wins! (James runs out of Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy’s place) 


Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy: 
No! Wait James! (James leaves Kirobi-Wan Kenobiddy’s to face the cold alone as Kirobi-Wan shouts, “It’s too dangerous!” Cut to the pod as Julia Alexa Miller continues to wait for James as she enjoys the holiday festivities of the pod, but her thoughts continue to think of James and where he is as it cuts to James continuing to walk in the freezing cold. Cut to the ninja cats as they look at one another as Rowdy has the biggest smile on his face as he enters his home in California.) 


Rowdy: 
You know something, going back to Texas to hang out with the creator and his family was great! The Rangers won the World Series, Life’s good. (Cut to the ninja cats) 


Cecil: 
We’re glad you feel that way. Because we’ve used our usual thing to keep the rent up. (Cut to Rowdy) 


Rowdy: 
That’s fine (Cut to Cecil) 


Cecil: 
The 2024 season of TV Trash is ready for you to do. (Cut to Rowdy) 


Rowdy: 
Bring it on! (Cut to Cecil) 


Cecil: 
And now for the bad news. It appears that Professor Stupidiot is now working with that hologram impersonating James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and yeah, we talked to everyone and the earliest everyone that get here partly due to the holidays will be in January. (Cut to Rowdy) 


Rowdy: 
Well that good to... WHAT?!!? STUPIDIOT IS WORKING WITH THAT HOLOGRAM IMPERSONATING JAMES FARACI THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS?! AND NO ONE CAN GET HERE UNTIL JANUARY?! (Cut to the ninja cats) 


Perkins: 
It was a shot in the dark they’d get here in October. We contacted them, they have their own lives. (Cut to Rowdy) 


Rowdy: 
Well I knew that. Okay, we can build up our defenses and ready everything until then. Also, we need to find out who our insider is that is keeping an eye on the hologram. So the fate of “The Last Of The Americans” will be decided next year. (Rowdy walks towards his room as it fades to black)