(Scene begins as a hand as it taps the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right and the other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome once again to Reality Checkout! (Cut to James as he walks around and comes to Chad Narducci's office; he storms in and sees red as he hands Chad Narducci a bill from Amazon that James had to pay, and James looks to see what Chad had bought, which has James even Angrier, and he tosses all of the purchases which were Reality TV Series on DVD into the most disgusting trashcan, and James tosses in small amounts of Flammable liquids and tosses a grenade, and it explodes with the slime and remnants of the DVDs spelling out Reality Checkout as the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the foreground. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Let me say the following, I am a feminist; I support women, especially those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of all. Those who use their abilities and voices for the betterment of themselves and then use what they have to act uncontrollably and make everyone's life a nightmare, THEN I will go and give you the ration of shit you wish to serve everyone who doesn't kowtow to you because guess what, YOU'RE NOT A QUEEN! YOU ARE THOSE ANNOYING NIGHTMARES THAT CAUSE MEN TO JUMP OFF THE GRAND CANYON! However, I will not call you by the popular term, partly due to the fact that the term is a certain person in my family with that name. Instead, I will call you what you are, KATE GOSSELINS! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.): And believe it or not, this is something I meant to do, even in my MySpace days, a follow-up to talk about this cold-blooded venomous demon woman who drove her husband to infidelity, drove men to either Alcohol and eventual taking of their own lives or just trying to hire a "Contractor" to coin the phrase to "Handle" Kate Gosselin and that was back in the day she had her fifteen seconds of infamy! Nowadays, she occasionally pops up on a reality show, and her tenure doesn't last long, THANKFULLY! But again, back in the day, she tried to be on any and every show to basically emasculate her long-time Ex-Husband, Jon, and for the record, He's no saint either! But today, to help jumpstart my tenth anniversary, I will do something for this mother of eight kids that no one in their right mind would do then or now! Give her one last drop of notoriety before someone FINALLY puts her out of everyone's misery! And full disclosure, I didn't like her back in my MySpace days, so believe me, I will show her even less mercy than before! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Now to understand this evil creature, we must start at the beginning of her existence! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)
Kate was born or spawned from the depths of hell in Pennsylvania in 1975. While working as an OB-GYN nurse at the Reading Hospital and Medical Center, at a company picnic, she met Jon Gosselin; sparks flew from the get-go, and in 1999, the couple married. After fertility treatment in 2000, the couple welcomed twins prematurely, and later she would end up with SIX MORE KIDS AGAIN PREMATURELY! And apparently, this got them on a reality series called "Home Delivery," in which their episode was not well received. OH, HOW I WONDER WHY?! However, SOMEONE who was either completely in league with the demon spawn that brought Kate out into the world or with the dark lords that allowed her birth to happen somehow watched that episode and gave the family a two-special deal on Discovery Health and that, in turn, led the family to the reality show that turned "The Learning Channel" into the "TLC" that few people watch today except to support the Reality Circus Sideshow series that we all know about and HOPEFULLY very few watch to this day! But, AGAIN, back in the day, this series made the network into what it is today. As the series went on, we saw Kate light the fuse that would lead to her family's destruction. She used the fame from the show to make herself look better and tell me, if you have seen one of those K women, you have seen that haircut before! And if you look at the clips of How Kate emasculated Jon on the series as the series goes on, TELL ME, you have not seen those K women do that to SO many men and others! Well, now every man and person negatively affected by those K women know who to either go after or, if you are one of those K women, then you know who to praise for being able to be as evil as she was. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: Now you're probably thinking, what did Kate do that those K women haven't done. Well, Kate made it a popular thing to do, or rather, for those K women, it allowed them the ability to get away with that crap! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.): She drove her husband, who, as far as I'm concerned, is no different than the former Mrs. Gosselin, to infidelity, and again, She is no saintly woman, except for those K women, she thought she could act the way she could and be with other men! It's no surprise that the tabloids went on a rabid foaming frenzy. Of course, when things were televised, the audience didn't seem that surprised, nor would they be sympathetic to either of these cheating scumballs. So when they decided to divorce, it gave people more of a reason to despise both of the adults and be afraid for the wellbeing of the children. And when Jon left the series, it was retooled as "Kate plus Eight!" which only those K women really enjoyed. As for everyone else, the audience left the series in droves! And when it got canned, everyone rejoiced! However, two things remained after the end of the series, and neither was the better thing in the series. The first of the two things was Kate, who went on a Reality TV tear trying to recapture the glory and "Fix her reputation" and make her "Sympathetic," which neither happened! Everyone around her just did all they could to keep them sane while being around her until she wound up on "Dancing With The Stars" as she became the Marquis de Sade, and the judges had to deal with her for several weeks as if they were being tormented by the Spanish Inquisition! (Cut to James and a trio of priests from the Spanish Inquisition as the Monty Python shock music of the Spanish Inquisition comes in someplace in James' office)
The Grand Inquisitor: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
TLOTA: Maybe Monty Python fans like myself! (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.): As I was saying, I felt bad for the judges, especially the late Len Goodman, and it appeared that after that and an attempt to get Kate a new punching bag and one last appearance in a competition show, She thankfully has since faded away, hopefully for good. Her influence, unfortunately, has not gone away. It has led to those K women becoming an evil unto themselves! Though there have been people who have been fighting back. Quinn Pratt, NO RELATION TO CHRIS, has been telling tales about those K women and his family and how they have fought them like the cancer they are to feminism. There are tales of women who have been giving those K women Tsouris until they either back off or run off to be an asshole another day. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: But for all we have done, they will still come like nobody's business until we take Kate Gosselin and show her the evil she has unleashed and force her to see what she has done to the human race, what she has done to set the clocks back on so much civility between males and females, what she has done to give crazy people a voice and a face to emulate, what she has done to her family AND then let her children know that what she and their dad did was wrong. (Cut to every clip of Kate Gosselin that James can stomach, and James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.): And what's worse, while Jon, who is still a D-Bag, may have asked for his children's forgiveness, Kate either cannot or does not have such compassion. And it will be Mother's Day by the time this comes out. I don't envy the cards she'll get from her children if they even think she's worth their time to waste on such a cold-blooded, inhuman, unholy, vile, despicable, profane, sacrilegious, infernal demon spawn of a person that gave birth to possibly eight of the most screwed up children to ever exist! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA: This is why I say this to any Reality TV producer desperate for someone to have a face for their show, do yourself a favor, and not only do you not consider Kate Gosselin for your reality tv project, chuck her ass to the curb and tell Kate Gosselin the mother of all of those K women that until she gets humbled and sees the evils she has done, tell her to check out PERMANENTLY from reality tv! (A Loud shaking sensation is felt and seen on the building as James sees a mob of Angry, Crazy, and Sadistically WRONG women emulating their Icon, Kate Gosselin, outside the front door wanting to Bobbitize James)
TLOTA: Well, I seem to have gotten their attention, now to call the police and have them charged for making false claims, attempted murder, and anything else I can charge them with. And don't expect to hear from me until June for my tenth-year anniversary! I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion.
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