(The Scene begins as
James stands at his desk, looking pensive; as he looks over his desk, there is a
knock on the door.)
TLOTA:
It’s open! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in)
Julia Alexa Miller:
So, are you okay with starting another year?
TLOTA:
I feel as if I’ve gotten stale, that I have become so inflexible that I’ve
outlived myself. I think I’ve become a joke! (Audio of Chad shouting, “You’ll
get no disagreement from me!”)
TLOTA & Julia Alexa
Miller (In Unison):
SHUT UP, CHAD!
TLOTA:
I need something to get me in the right mind frame, but I don’t. Wait, I GOT
IT! ORAC! Play the music! (The 1994 American Gladiators theme starts to play as
James gets irritated.) NOT THAT ONE! THE ONE WITH THE MOJO! ( “Soul Bossa Nova”
plays in the foreground as James’ feet start to get into the groove, and he asks
Julia Alexa Miller to join him, and Julia Alexa Miller begins to join James in
dancing as the music starts to get into
the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in
the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as James and
Julia continue to dance and are soon joined by members of Team TLOTA as they
dance throughout the studio as the music continues to its crescendo James and
Julia Alexa Miller kiss as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the
same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as James gets
into his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to
express are that of my own and some of yours! Ladies and Gentlemen, for the
next three months, we’re going to need all the Mojo we can muster; as you can
tell by the intro, We’re going to be dealing with a trilogy paying homage to
the classic spy genre, thanks to SNL alum Mike Myers! (Cut to clips of the
“Austin Powers” trilogy and other Mike Myers movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And please keep in mind this trilogy was made when he was at the height of his
post-SNL popularity as movies that starred Mike was okay at best. Yes, Wayne’s
World was funny, and its sequel was okay at best. However, after a drought
of good movies and a few personal setbacks, it appeared Mike was done. That is
until one night, as he was coming home one day from Hockey practice, one night
when the Dusty Springfield song “The Look Of Love” from the Peter Sellers OO7 take
of Casino Royale played as Mike came up with the character. That song
helped inspire the movies I will be looking at starting today. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s get started with Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery.
(Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in 1967 outside of Las Vegas as a supervillain summons his
assassins who failed to kill someone named Austin Powers. Not liking their
failures, he roasts them! Literally! Sparing only a killer and scientist named
Mustafa, played by Will Ferrell, and Frau Farbissina, played by Mindy Sterling,
to help him kill Austin Powers. We meet Austin, performed by Mike Myers as he
performs a musical opening as he does his Mojo that he knows so well. We also
meet his partner in the time of the first movie Mrs. Kensington played by Mimi
Rodgers as Basil Exposition, played by Michael York well exposits that Dr. Evil
is setting a trap for Austin and Austin’s move is to, as Obi-Wan Kenobi said
best in “Revenge Of The Sith.”
(Cut to the clip of Obi-Wan as he says “Spring
The Trap.” Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin soon finds the hitman sent by Doctor Evil and confronts Dr. Evil as he
prepares to freeze himself to when Austin’s style of living is considered
obsolete. We soon cut to the year 1997 as Dr. Evil’s ship, which looks like the
Big Boy as it touches back down in the same desert in Las Vegas. This incident
gets on the radar of NORAD, which leads a general to go to London and find
Austin. Well, he had decided if his enemy was going to freeze himself, Austin
would follow suit. What happens next is something you need to see. (Show
Austin’s defrosting process as he wakes up and as it comes to him the toilet as
he urinates. We cut to James as he makes a sandwich and a drink for himself as James
comes back to his office; James looks at the fact that Austin is still
urinating. Cut to James in his office.)
TLOTA:
Okay, Austin’s bladder must have the same power as Crow’s guitar solo in the
MST3K episode “The Dead Talk Back!” (Cut to Crow as he plays his Solo on the
electric guitar as everyone around him does everything else. Cut to the movie
as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin now teams up with Mrs. Kensington’s daughter to help him defeat Dr. Evil.
We meet Vanessa, played by Elizabeth Hurley, who has made some deal to look as
good as she does now! (Cut to James physically as Chad shoves him aside)
Chad Narducci:
NO WAY, FARACI! There is NO WAY that Elizabeth Hurley looks as good as (Show a recent
picture of Elizabeth Hurley. Cut back to Chad.) I will shut up and let you get
back to work. (Chad walks out, James dusts himself off, and gets back in his
seat.)
TLOTA:
Thanks for adding nothing, Chad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets his effects from storage as we soon cut to Nevada as Dr. Evil is
revived, as has his cat, but not without complications. (Show Mr. Bigglesworth
having no hair on him, and Mustafa is tossed into a pit of fire! Cut to see Dr.
Evil’s as he deals with Mustafa then to James in his office)
TLOTA:
Admittedly, when I saw this for the first time, I had no idea how to react. So
now, knowing that Mike Myers played both Dr.Evil and Austin Powers was a good
idea, but if you saw it the first time, it’d be a bit of a surprise. (Cut to
the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
But not as surprising for Dr. Evil to discover he has a son named Scott, played
by Seth Green. Amid this, Dr. Evil still has his plan to, that’s right, take
over the world (Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says “Oh, Of
Course!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his
voiceover) with the help of Frau Farbissina, Random Task, Patty O’Brien and
Number 2, played by the incomparable, the dashing, the legendary Robert Wagner.
So now that Dr. Evil’s team is together, what is his plan? (Cut to Dr. Evil’s
plan of destroying the O-Zone, which Number 2 says that it had already been done
and solved. Then he changes his plan to try and divorce Prince Charles and
Princess Diana, and again, Number 2 says it too has been done already! Finally,
everyone decided to hijack a nuclear weapon and drill to the Earth’s core
setting off all the Volcanoes and holding the world hostage for 100 Billion
Dollars. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I need to take a break to calculate the damage of every single Volcano going
off, be right back. (Cut to James on a calculator as he bumps into Julia Alexa
Miller.)
TLOTA:
Oh, hey there, Alex, sorry about that. I got a little distracted.
Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, that’s 9.23439485142819825159066703 to the tenth power!
TLOTA:
Say again?
Julia Alexa Miller:
I said, you’re alright, James!
TLOTA (Confused):
Yeah, thanks; I’m going somewhere else right now. (James runs to Chad in the
lobby as he’s watching a movie.)
TLOTA:
Have you noticed something different with Alex?
Chad Narducci:
Since being with you, what isn’t different.
TLOTA:
Chad! Focus on what I am trying to; what are you watching?
Chad Narducci:
Kingsman: The Secret Service
TLOTA:
Wow, I remember that Church Scene; that was awesome! (James and Chad watch
until James feels a gun on the back of his head as he turns to see Julia Alexa
Miller with her fingers pointed like a gun.)
TLOTA:
Uh, Alex. What is going on with you?
Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I don’t know (Chad hits the pause button, which pauses Julia Alexa
Miller. Cut to James and Chad as they look at each other. Chad hits the play
button as Julia Alexa Miller talks further. James takes the remote as he hits
the Spanish Language Button and the Closed Captions as the words “You two need
to relax! Oh my, it appears I have been revealed. I’m not the real Alex, and
now I have to kill the two of you. ”are shown under her. James and Chad try to
fight her off as Julia Alexa Miller’s face is ripped off, and she is shown to
be a robot!)
Chad Narducci:
What is the name of all that is sane and decent going on?!
TLOTA:
Just as I thought! It’s a Shedroid!
Chad Narducci:
A WHAT?!
(A Voice coming out
of the Shedroid):
Oh, your associate doesn’t know about your past; I, Dr. Vile, have the real
Julia Alexa Miller, and now you won’t have time to rescue her! (Cut to the
Shedroid’s eyes as a timer countdowns. Cut to James and Chad)
TLOTA:
HIT THE DIRT! (James and Chad fall to the ground as the Shedroid explodes.
James and Chad stand up covered in explosive residue, and Chad’s hair has lit
up in one lock, and James says in a Sotto voice, “Dude, You’ve got,” and James
wets a couple of his fingers and puts the fire out.)
Chad Narducci:
So, Now what? You move on; I go back to California with her stuff and my stuff,
and you(a silence lasts for two seconds) aren’t going to let this go!
TLOTA:
DAMN STRAIGHT! ORAC! (Cut to a wall panel with a keypad as James enters a
code.) Contact the organization! Have them reactivate my clearances and see if
we can get Chad clearances.
Chad Narducci:
I’m sorry, but what in the hell is going on here?
TLOTA:
You’re about to find out.
(The Scene cuts to
James taking Chad to a corridor as the Trevor Rabin “Get Smart” theme plays in
the foreground as James and Chad go through the hallway of doors up to the 0:55-0:56
mark as Chad stops to tie his shoe as the door closes in front of him and James
opens the door again)
TLOTA:
Seriously? Come on (James and Chad continue as the next door closes in front of
them at the 1:00 mark. James sighs as he says in a sotto voice, “For the love
of Peat Moss!” James punches in a code to get through the door to the end of
the hallway of doors. As the two walk into a phone booth, the scene fades to
black as they both fall through a trap door Chad screaming like a girl, it then
cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely
morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as
the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The
Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows
James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half
on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The
Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James and Chad as they land in the lobby of a
building.)
Chad Narducci:
Well, at least I landed on something soft!
TLOTA:
GET OFF ME! (Chad shutters at the fact he sat on James as he cleans himself up
and rings the bell as the lobby receptionist played by Olivia Horvath looks up
as she tries to give the spiel about agents.)
The Lobby
Receptionist:
Agent 428! I’ll see if Chief Development will talk with you, but you can
continue your review in the guest office for now.
TLOTA:
Thank you, Miss B. Lief (Chad and James come face to face). What? Alex Knew
about this
Chad Narducci:
Agent 428?
TLOTA:
Miss B. Lief, please inform my associate of what’s happening around here!
(Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of
Mystery as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin and Vanessa travel to Nevada to confront Dr. Evil, it’s clear that
Austin’s old mentalities aren’t winning over Vanessa as her mind is more set on
the mission, and the teeth aren’t helping his cause either. Austin’s teeth is a
running gag in this movie and the sequel, which I will talk about next month.
But I digress, Scott and Dr. Evil are having parent and son issues, and Dr.
Evil isn’t helping to try to be the cool dad. Meanwhile, Austin and Vaness soon
get to Las Vegas and meet with Number 2 at a casino at a blackjack table run by
Yev Kasim, AKA The Soup Nazi from Seinfeld! In fact, I half expected
this to happen. (Cut to the table as The Soup Nazi, played by Eric Kurtzke, is
the card dealer, and James asks for a hit, and The Soup Nazi shouts, “You want
a hit? NO GAME FOR YOU! NEXT PLAYER!” Cut to Austin Powers: International
Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin joins Number 2 in the bathroom, Number 2 disappears through Austin uses
the toilet next to a random Tom Arnold Cameo; however, that’s nothing as
O’Brien strikes, leading to Austin taking a dump while interrogating the guy,
drowning him in the process. As that goes on, Dr. Evil contacts the U.N. and
tells them his plan and the ransom, and then we get something so random it blew
my mind what happens when the joke about Evil laughter goes on too long. Meanwhile,
Vanessa and Mrs. Kensington have a conversation about Austin as Properly placed
hand gestures, and props hide Austin’s junk. Vanessa and Austin stake out
Virtucon as Austin truly starts to fall for Vanessa. Even getting legendary
Burt Bacharach to perform as Austin and Vanessa has a fun Las Vegas montage,
which leads Vanessa to succumb to Austin’s charms. We also see Austin having
regrets for his relationship with Vanessa’s mom and how it didn’t work out. A
communications device goes off while Vanessa sleeps off all the sauce she
drank. Austin has to meet with Number 2’s lady friend, and I wish I would kid about
the name Alotta Fagina! (Cut to James physically as the secretary knocks on the
door to let James know that he and Chad can meet with Chief Development. Chad
and James walk through the building as agents played by members of Team TLOTA as
they gasp and say, “Agent 428!” James meets up with Chief Development, played
by Doug Yaun.)
TLOTA:
Hello Chief, it has been a while.
Chief Development:
Indeed, it has, and who is your associate?
Chad Narducci:
Chad Narducci, producer, developer of entertainment, cameraman, director, and
all around the finest in making Internet Entertainment, and I am ready to serve
my country by kicking James’ ass.
Chief Development:
Oh yes, I remember that Internet Daytime Talk Show. What in the world were you
thinking?
TLOTA:
I was against it all the way, but for the sake of the woman I love, I had to go
along with it.
Chief Development:
Speaking of her, we heard that Dr. Vile might have her held in his California
stronghold behind the “Hollywood” sign. According to our analysts, Julia Alexa
Miller’s kidnapping happened sometime between the opening dance sequence in
your review and the time you had in the first third of the movie’s review to
take her.
TLOTA:
I take that the tech boys will have my usual equipment ready.
Chief Development:
It will take a while, maybe after your review is over. So head on back to the
waiting room and continue with the review.
TLOTA:
Thanks, Chief, come, Chad! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of
Mystery as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets into Fagina’s penthouse, collects photographic evidence of Project
Vulcan, tries to seduce his way out of the penthouse, and successfully does so!
(Cut to Vanessa as she blows up about Austin’s indiscretions, Austin realizing
he isn’t the hottest man on the planet anymore, and the two reconcile. Cut to Austin
Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As that happens, Frau Farbissina reveals the Fembots to defeat Austin. However,
that takes a back seat as Dr. Evil and Scott decide to undergo therapy as
Carrie Fisher plays the councilor, make any jokes about Carrie Fisher, and
you’ll be wishing you will be one with the force! Here, Dr. Evil talks about
his childhood, which is messed up in many different ways!. (Show Dr. Evil as he
talks about having grown up in Belgium and how he had his privates shaved and
the audio of James shuddering.) So as you get that thought out of your head of
someone ritualistically getting their schnutz shaved. Austin and Vanessa decide
to go further into the building as they’ve been discovered; Austin commanders a
steamroller, and a guard gets squashed….eventually! They are captured and meet
with Dr. Evil and Scott, who doesn’t understand etiquette between Villains and
Heroes in Spy movies, who decides to hold the duo over a pit of Sharks with
Fricking Laser Beams attached to the top of their heads. (Show the clip of
Number 2 telling Dr. Evil that they couldn’t get sharks with fricking laser
beams attached to their heads; instead, they got mutated cannibalistic Sea
Bass! Cut to the “Headslapping” clip from “The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final
Insult.” Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Austin and Vanessa escape,
with Austin staying behind to hold down the fort. Vanessa dons a catsuit and
takes a troop of Soldiers left behind by Basil. Austin, meanwhile, is surrounded
by Fembots; however, 1960s Spy Mojo is too much for The Fembots as they go Boom
just as Vanessa arrives with Austin’s suit. Leading to a good shoot-out in all
things considered. (Show clip of Austin and the British Troops as they fight
off Dr. Evil’s henchmen and Austin building up dramatic tension when he
could’ve pressed the button. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Well, you could’ve done without holding off until the very last second, just
saying there, Cochise! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery
as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
With Project Vulcan now officially stopped, Austin and Dr. Evil come face to
face one last time. However, both show their Trump Cards as Fagina has Vanessa
as a hostage and Scott its short-lived hostage as he shoves away at Austin and
Vanessa Judo chops Fagina! Dr. Evil escapes into the depths of space in the Big
Boy Rocket and sets off a self-destruct sequence. (Show the Spaceballs clips
involving the Self Destruction of “Spaceball 1” intercut with the Dr. Evil
Nevada base going kaboom! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to Three Months Later as Austin has settled down with Vanessa and fixed
his teeth. Basil has news that Vanessa is now a full agent; Austin is to be
knighted by the Queen, which won’t happen until later in the series, and Dr.
Evil has escaped but will be back. Meanwhile, the Oddjob espy find the love
birds and is quickly defeated. After that, Austin and Vanessa decide to do some
stargazing when they notice a particular Rocket knowing they haven’t seen the
last of Dr.Evil. (Cut to the clip of a half-frozen Dr. Evil saying, “I’m going
to get you Austin Powers!” Cut to the ending with the mid-credit scenes and the
Ming Tea Music Video. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And that was Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery, and a lot of
it holds up. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Even if many of the dated references are even more dated now, it doesn’t work
against the movie itself. The comedy still gets a laugh out of me, and the
writing bolsters a lot of the movie’s strengths; Mike Myers shows he can be
funny in this and show some moments of character. Elizabeth Hurley proved she
could parody a lot of what made her well known outside of a relationship she
had with a certain someone at the time, and she could act. This movie is worth
watching, and I recommend it for the spy spoof lover and a lover of classic
James Bond movies. It’s very groovy, indeed! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now with all that I have said, believe it or not, this movie was a moderate
success in the box office, and when it hit the home market, it became a more
successful movie. (James walks out of the waiting room and to the briefing room
with Chad as Chief Development pulls up a computer file.) But we’ll get to that
next time; I am about to take care of something right now.
Chief Development:
Just in time, let’s begin the briefing. Dr. Vincent Vile: Adopted after his biological
parents were murdered. After reaching puberty, he was shunned because he was
different. Being born with two sets of male testicles and a penis that dwarfs
Tommy Lee’s in both length and width can do that. (Cut to James and Chad)
Chad Narducci:
A guy like that should get the ladies left and right in the adult movie industry!
Why did he get into science?
TLOTA:
He was about to tell us, Chad.
Chief Development:
Vincent Vile was shunned in the adult movie industry for that exact reason. He
was paid to never appear in an adult movie. He then channeled the money into
building a legitimate education and a legitimate business to fund his desires
to take over the planet. Agent 428 stopped him multiple times over his career;
however you left because this was interfering with private life.
TLOTA:
The adventure wasn’t fun without someone to come home to, and she left me for a
man named Dillon, and not long after married and had two kids. She now has a
YouTube channel.
Chief Development:
AGENT 428! PLEASE! Since 2008, we believed he had retired; however, two years
ago, we discovered he had taken control of the elections just as the President
was decided. The 2016 one was not in his power. We have pinpointed his base in
the Hollywood sign and everything you require to take him on. (Cut to everyone
as they walk to the Weapons and Technical department)
Chief Development:
Your 1969 Dodge Charger, Fully stocked and loaded with the usual accouterments.
Chad Narducci:
HEMI engine?
Chief Development:
This car runs on a hybrid of ordinary gas for minor propulsion and Ionic
technology! The downside is that the power cell lasts a few states.
Fortunately, The cell takes one night to recharge.
TLOTA:
When do we get started?
Chad Narducci:
What we? (James points at Chad and himself) Uh no, there’s no way I’m (Chad
places his hand on the roof as hidden machine guns under the front bumper and multiple
rounds are fired, breaking through the glass forcing everyone to run away and
duck! James taps on the Keyfob, shutting off the Machine Guns) On second
thought, maybe I’m safer with you than I am here with everyone I pissed off!
TLOTA:
Damn Straight! Now get in, Chad! (James and Chad get into the 1969 Dodge
Charger. James presses the correct codes to open a tunnel that leads to the
Highway to Hollywood.) We’ll keep in touch where we will stop off, and if we’re
compromised, you’ll be the first to know.
Chief Development:
Good luck, Agent 428!
(James and Chad hit
the road as fire trails are shown. Fade to Black.)
