The Powers That Be: "International" Powers

 (The Scene begins as James stands at his desk, looking pensive; as he looks over his desk, there is a knock on the door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So, are you okay with starting another year?

TLOTA:
I feel as if I’ve gotten stale, that I have become so inflexible that I’ve outlived myself. I think I’ve become a joke! (Audio of Chad shouting, “You’ll get no disagreement from me!”)

TLOTA & Julia Alexa Miller (In Unison):
SHUT UP, CHAD!

TLOTA:
I need something to get me in the right mind frame, but I don’t. Wait, I GOT IT! ORAC! Play the music! (The 1994 American Gladiators theme starts to play as James gets irritated.) NOT THAT ONE! THE ONE WITH THE MOJO! ( “Soul Bossa Nova” plays in the foreground as James’ feet start to get into the groove, and he asks Julia Alexa Miller to join him, and Julia Alexa Miller begins to join James in dancing  as the music starts to get into the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as James and Julia continue to dance and are soon joined by members of Team TLOTA as they dance throughout the studio as the music continues to its crescendo James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as James gets into his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Ladies and Gentlemen, for the next three months, we’re going to need all the Mojo we can muster; as you can tell by the intro, We’re going to be dealing with a trilogy paying homage to the classic spy genre, thanks to SNL alum Mike Myers! (Cut to clips of the “Austin Powers” trilogy and other Mike Myers movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And please keep in mind this trilogy was made when he was at the height of his post-SNL popularity as movies that starred Mike was okay at best. Yes, Wayne’s World was funny, and its sequel was okay at best. However, after a drought of good movies and a few personal setbacks, it appeared Mike was done. That is until one night, as he was coming home one day from Hockey practice, one night when the Dusty Springfield song “The Look Of Love” from the Peter Sellers OO7 take of Casino Royale played as Mike came up with the character. That song helped inspire the movies I will be looking at starting today. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s get started with Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in 1967 outside of Las Vegas as a supervillain summons his assassins who failed to kill someone named Austin Powers. Not liking their failures, he roasts them! Literally! Sparing only a killer and scientist named Mustafa, played by Will Ferrell, and Frau Farbissina, played by Mindy Sterling, to help him kill Austin Powers. We meet Austin, performed by Mike Myers as he performs a musical opening as he does his Mojo that he knows so well. We also meet his partner in the time of the first movie Mrs. Kensington played by Mimi Rodgers as Basil Exposition, played by Michael York well exposits that Dr. Evil is setting a trap for Austin and Austin’s move is to, as Obi-Wan Kenobi said best in “Revenge Of The Sith.”

 (Cut to the clip of Obi-Wan as he says “Spring The Trap.” Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin soon finds the hitman sent by Doctor Evil and confronts Dr. Evil as he prepares to freeze himself to when Austin’s style of living is considered obsolete. We soon cut to the year 1997 as Dr. Evil’s ship, which looks like the Big Boy as it touches back down in the same desert in Las Vegas. This incident gets on the radar of NORAD, which leads a general to go to London and find Austin. Well, he had decided if his enemy was going to freeze himself, Austin would follow suit. What happens next is something you need to see. (Show Austin’s defrosting process as he wakes up and as it comes to him the toilet as he urinates. We cut to James as he makes a sandwich and a drink for himself as James comes back to his office; James looks at the fact that Austin is still urinating. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Okay, Austin’s bladder must have the same power as Crow’s guitar solo in the MST3K episode “The Dead Talk Back!” (Cut to Crow as he plays his Solo on the electric guitar as everyone around him does everything else. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin now teams up with Mrs. Kensington’s daughter to help him defeat Dr. Evil. We meet Vanessa, played by Elizabeth Hurley, who has made some deal to look as good as she does now! (Cut to James physically as Chad shoves him aside)

Chad Narducci:
NO WAY, FARACI! There is NO WAY that Elizabeth Hurley looks as good as (Show a recent picture of Elizabeth Hurley. Cut back to Chad.) I will shut up and let you get back to work. (Chad walks out, James dusts himself off, and gets back in his seat.)

TLOTA:
Thanks for adding nothing, Chad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets his effects from storage as we soon cut to Nevada as Dr. Evil is revived, as has his cat, but not without complications. (Show Mr. Bigglesworth having no hair on him, and Mustafa is tossed into a pit of fire! Cut to see Dr. Evil’s as he deals with Mustafa then to James in his office)

TLOTA:
Admittedly, when I saw this for the first time, I had no idea how to react. So now, knowing that Mike Myers played both Dr.Evil and Austin Powers was a good idea, but if you saw it the first time, it’d be a bit of a surprise. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
But not as surprising for Dr. Evil to discover he has a son named Scott, played by Seth Green. Amid this, Dr. Evil still has his plan to, that’s right, take over the world (Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says “Oh, Of Course!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) with the help of Frau Farbissina, Random Task, Patty O’Brien and Number 2, played by the incomparable, the dashing, the legendary Robert Wagner. So now that Dr. Evil’s team is together, what is his plan? (Cut to Dr. Evil’s plan of destroying the O-Zone, which Number 2 says that it had already been done and solved. Then he changes his plan to try and divorce Prince Charles and Princess Diana, and again, Number 2 says it too has been done already! Finally, everyone decided to hijack a nuclear weapon and drill to the Earth’s core setting off all the Volcanoes and holding the world hostage for 100 Billion Dollars. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I need to take a break to calculate the damage of every single Volcano going off, be right back. (Cut to James on a calculator as he bumps into Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
Oh, hey there, Alex, sorry about that. I got a little distracted.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, that’s 9.23439485142819825159066703 to the tenth power!

TLOTA:
Say again?

Julia Alexa Miller:
I said, you’re alright, James!

TLOTA (Confused):
Yeah, thanks; I’m going somewhere else right now. (James runs to Chad in the lobby as he’s watching a movie.)

TLOTA:
Have you noticed something different with Alex?

Chad Narducci:
Since being with you, what isn’t different.

TLOTA:
Chad! Focus on what I am trying to; what are you watching?

Chad Narducci:
Kingsman: The Secret Service

TLOTA:
Wow, I remember that Church Scene; that was awesome! (James and Chad watch until James feels a gun on the back of his head as he turns to see Julia Alexa Miller with her fingers pointed like a gun.)

TLOTA:
Uh, Alex. What is going on with you?

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I don’t know (Chad hits the pause button, which pauses Julia Alexa Miller. Cut to James and Chad as they look at each other. Chad hits the play button as Julia Alexa Miller talks further. James takes the remote as he hits the Spanish Language Button and the Closed Captions as the words “You two need to relax! Oh my, it appears I have been revealed. I’m not the real Alex, and now I have to kill the two of you. ”are shown under her. James and Chad try to fight her off as Julia Alexa Miller’s face is ripped off, and she is shown to be a robot!)

Chad Narducci:
What is the name of all that is sane and decent going on?!

TLOTA:
Just as I thought! It’s a Shedroid!

Chad Narducci:
A WHAT?!

(A Voice coming out of the Shedroid):
Oh, your associate doesn’t know about your past; I, Dr. Vile, have the real Julia Alexa Miller, and now you won’t have time to rescue her! (Cut to the Shedroid’s eyes as a timer countdowns. Cut to James and Chad)

TLOTA:
HIT THE DIRT! (James and Chad fall to the ground as the Shedroid explodes. James and Chad stand up covered in explosive residue, and Chad’s hair has lit up in one lock, and James says in a Sotto voice, “Dude, You’ve got,” and James wets a couple of his fingers and puts the fire out.)

Chad Narducci:
So, Now what? You move on; I go back to California with her stuff and my stuff, and you(a silence lasts for two seconds) aren’t going to let this go!

TLOTA:
DAMN STRAIGHT! ORAC! (Cut to a wall panel with a keypad as James enters a code.) Contact the organization! Have them reactivate my clearances and see if we can get Chad clearances.

Chad Narducci:
I’m sorry, but what in the hell is going on here?

TLOTA:
You’re about to find out.

(The Scene cuts to James taking Chad to a corridor as the Trevor Rabin “Get Smart” theme plays in the foreground as James and Chad go through the hallway of doors up to the 0:55-0:56 mark as Chad stops to tie his shoe as the door closes in front of him and James opens the door again)

TLOTA:
Seriously? Come on (James and Chad continue as the next door closes in front of them at the 1:00 mark. James sighs as he says in a sotto voice, “For the love of Peat Moss!” James punches in a code to get through the door to the end of the hallway of doors. As the two walk into a phone booth, the scene fades to black as they both fall through a trap door Chad screaming like a girl, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James and Chad as they land in the lobby of a building.)

Chad Narducci:
Well, at least I landed on something soft!

TLOTA:
GET OFF ME! (Chad shutters at the fact he sat on James as he cleans himself up and rings the bell as the lobby receptionist played by Olivia Horvath looks up as she tries to give the spiel about agents.)

The Lobby Receptionist:
Agent 428! I’ll see if Chief Development will talk with you, but you can continue your review in the guest office for now.

TLOTA:
Thank you, Miss B. Lief (Chad and James come face to face). What? Alex Knew about this

Chad Narducci:
Agent 428?

TLOTA:
Miss B. Lief, please inform my associate of what’s happening around here!

 (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin and Vanessa travel to Nevada to confront Dr. Evil, it’s clear that Austin’s old mentalities aren’t winning over Vanessa as her mind is more set on the mission, and the teeth aren’t helping his cause either. Austin’s teeth is a running gag in this movie and the sequel, which I will talk about next month. But I digress, Scott and Dr. Evil are having parent and son issues, and Dr. Evil isn’t helping to try to be the cool dad. Meanwhile, Austin and Vaness soon get to Las Vegas and meet with Number 2 at a casino at a blackjack table run by Yev Kasim, AKA The Soup Nazi from Seinfeld! In fact, I half expected this to happen. (Cut to the table as The Soup Nazi, played by Eric Kurtzke, is the card dealer, and James asks for a hit, and The Soup Nazi shouts, “You want a hit? NO GAME FOR YOU! NEXT PLAYER!” Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin joins Number 2 in the bathroom, Number 2 disappears through Austin uses the toilet next to a random Tom Arnold Cameo; however, that’s nothing as O’Brien strikes, leading to Austin taking a dump while interrogating the guy, drowning him in the process. As that goes on, Dr. Evil contacts the U.N. and tells them his plan and the ransom, and then we get something so random it blew my mind what happens when the joke about Evil laughter goes on too long. Meanwhile, Vanessa and Mrs. Kensington have a conversation about Austin as Properly placed hand gestures, and props hide Austin’s junk. Vanessa and Austin stake out Virtucon as Austin truly starts to fall for Vanessa. Even getting legendary Burt Bacharach to perform as Austin and Vanessa has a fun Las Vegas montage, which leads Vanessa to succumb to Austin’s charms. We also see Austin having regrets for his relationship with Vanessa’s mom and how it didn’t work out. A communications device goes off while Vanessa sleeps off all the sauce she drank. Austin has to meet with Number 2’s lady friend, and I wish I would kid about the name Alotta Fagina! (Cut to James physically as the secretary knocks on the door to let James know that he and Chad can meet with Chief Development. Chad and James walk through the building as agents played by members of Team TLOTA as they gasp and say, “Agent 428!” James meets up with Chief Development, played by Doug Yaun.)

TLOTA:
Hello Chief, it has been a while.

Chief Development:
Indeed, it has, and who is your associate?

Chad Narducci:
Chad Narducci, producer, developer of entertainment, cameraman, director, and all around the finest in making Internet Entertainment, and I am ready to serve my country by kicking James’ ass.

Chief Development:
Oh yes, I remember that Internet Daytime Talk Show. What in the world were you thinking?

TLOTA:
I was against it all the way, but for the sake of the woman I love, I had to go along with it.

Chief Development:
Speaking of her, we heard that Dr. Vile might have her held in his California stronghold behind the “Hollywood” sign. According to our analysts, Julia Alexa Miller’s kidnapping happened sometime between the opening dance sequence in your review and the time you had in the first third of the movie’s review to take her.

TLOTA:
I take that the tech boys will have my usual equipment ready.

Chief Development:
It will take a while, maybe after your review is over. So head on back to the waiting room and continue with the review.

TLOTA:
Thanks, Chief, come, Chad! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets into Fagina’s penthouse, collects photographic evidence of Project Vulcan, tries to seduce his way out of the penthouse, and successfully does so! (Cut to Vanessa as she blows up about Austin’s indiscretions, Austin realizing he isn’t the hottest man on the planet anymore, and the two reconcile. Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As that happens, Frau Farbissina reveals the Fembots to defeat Austin. However, that takes a back seat as Dr. Evil and Scott decide to undergo therapy as Carrie Fisher plays the councilor, make any jokes about Carrie Fisher, and you’ll be wishing you will be one with the force! Here, Dr. Evil talks about his childhood, which is messed up in many different ways!. (Show Dr. Evil as he talks about having grown up in Belgium and how he had his privates shaved and the audio of James shuddering.) So as you get that thought out of your head of someone ritualistically getting their schnutz shaved. Austin and Vanessa decide to go further into the building as they’ve been discovered; Austin commanders a steamroller, and a guard gets squashed….eventually! They are captured and meet with Dr. Evil and Scott, who doesn’t understand etiquette between Villains and Heroes in Spy movies, who decides to hold the duo over a pit of Sharks with Fricking Laser Beams attached to the top of their heads. (Show the clip of Number 2 telling Dr. Evil that they couldn’t get sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads; instead, they got mutated cannibalistic Sea Bass! Cut to the “Headslapping” clip from “The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult.” Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Austin and Vanessa escape, with Austin staying behind to hold down the fort. Vanessa dons a catsuit and takes a troop of Soldiers left behind by Basil. Austin, meanwhile, is surrounded by Fembots; however, 1960s Spy Mojo is too much for The Fembots as they go Boom just as Vanessa arrives with Austin’s suit. Leading to a good shoot-out in all things considered. (Show clip of Austin and the British Troops as they fight off Dr. Evil’s henchmen and Austin building up dramatic tension when he could’ve pressed the button. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, you could’ve done without holding off until the very last second, just saying there, Cochise! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With Project Vulcan now officially stopped, Austin and Dr. Evil come face to face one last time. However, both show their Trump Cards as Fagina has Vanessa as a hostage and Scott its short-lived hostage as he shoves away at Austin and Vanessa Judo chops Fagina! Dr. Evil escapes into the depths of space in the Big Boy Rocket and sets off a self-destruct sequence. (Show the Spaceballs clips involving the Self Destruction of “Spaceball 1” intercut with the Dr. Evil Nevada base going kaboom! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to Three Months Later as Austin has settled down with Vanessa and fixed his teeth. Basil has news that Vanessa is now a full agent; Austin is to be knighted by the Queen, which won’t happen until later in the series, and Dr. Evil has escaped but will be back. Meanwhile, the Oddjob espy find the love birds and is quickly defeated. After that, Austin and Vanessa decide to do some stargazing when they notice a particular Rocket knowing they haven’t seen the last of Dr.Evil. (Cut to the clip of a half-frozen Dr. Evil saying, “I’m going to get you Austin Powers!” Cut to the ending with the mid-credit scenes and the Ming Tea Music Video. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And that was Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery, and a lot of it holds up. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Even if many of the dated references are even more dated now, it doesn’t work against the movie itself. The comedy still gets a laugh out of me, and the writing bolsters a lot of the movie’s strengths; Mike Myers shows he can be funny in this and show some moments of character. Elizabeth Hurley proved she could parody a lot of what made her well known outside of a relationship she had with a certain someone at the time, and she could act. This movie is worth watching, and I recommend it for the spy spoof lover and a lover of classic James Bond movies. It’s very groovy, indeed! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now with all that I have said, believe it or not, this movie was a moderate success in the box office, and when it hit the home market, it became a more successful movie. (James walks out of the waiting room and to the briefing room with Chad as Chief Development pulls up a computer file.) But we’ll get to that next time; I am about to take care of something right now.

Chief Development:
Just in time, let’s begin the briefing. Dr. Vincent Vile: Adopted after his biological parents were murdered. After reaching puberty, he was shunned because he was different. Being born with two sets of male testicles and a penis that dwarfs Tommy Lee’s in both length and width can do that. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
A guy like that should get the ladies left and right in the adult movie industry! Why did he get into science?

TLOTA:
He was about to tell us, Chad.

Chief Development:
Vincent Vile was shunned in the adult movie industry for that exact reason. He was paid to never appear in an adult movie. He then channeled the money into building a legitimate education and a legitimate business to fund his desires to take over the planet. Agent 428 stopped him multiple times over his career; however you left because this was interfering with private life.

TLOTA:
The adventure wasn’t fun without someone to come home to, and she left me for a man named Dillon, and not long after married and had two kids. She now has a YouTube channel.

Chief Development:
AGENT 428! PLEASE! Since 2008, we believed he had retired; however, two years ago, we discovered he had taken control of the elections just as the President was decided. The 2016 one was not in his power. We have pinpointed his base in the Hollywood sign and everything you require to take him on. (Cut to everyone as they walk to the Weapons and Technical department)

Chief Development:
Your 1969 Dodge Charger, Fully stocked and loaded with the usual accouterments.

Chad Narducci:
HEMI engine?

Chief Development:
This car runs on a hybrid of ordinary gas for minor propulsion and Ionic technology! The downside is that the power cell lasts a few states. Fortunately, The cell takes one night to recharge.

TLOTA:
When do we get started?

Chad Narducci:
What we? (James points at Chad and himself) Uh no, there’s no way I’m (Chad places his hand on the roof as hidden machine guns under the front bumper and multiple rounds are fired, breaking through the glass forcing everyone to run away and duck! James taps on the Keyfob, shutting off the Machine Guns) On second thought, maybe I’m safer with you than I am here with everyone I pissed off!

TLOTA:
Damn Straight! Now get in, Chad! (James and Chad get into the 1969 Dodge Charger. James presses the correct codes to open a tunnel that leads to the Highway to Hollywood.) We’ll keep in touch where we will stop off, and if we’re compromised, you’ll be the first to know.

Chief Development:
Good luck, Agent 428!

(James and Chad hit the road as fire trails are shown. Fade to Black.)