(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's talk about "Scales: Mermaids Are Real." (Cut to the opening credit of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
No real build-up, no true reason why except maybe just for funsies, I'd check out a movie that got approved by The Dove Foundation and possibly something for fun and given the state of fear and anxiety I have right now due to circumstances beyond my control, I need something to relax me so I can get through the rest of this year. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And apparently, with time against me and other things (The sound of pounding and banging is heard as demonic ranting and raving is heard as the footage shakes.) THIS IS "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL!" (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As the movie begins we're shown that this movie is produced by Fromage Productions so you know it was gonna be cheesy! We soon are given images of Mermaids as we come exposition animation as the credits roll. We soon come upon a young girl named Siren played by Emmy Perry coming up for air as she gives us exposition about her dreams. (Show clip of Siren as she talks about her dreams. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) We're soon introduced to her foster mom Tiffany played by "Law & Order" alumni Elisabeth Röhm as she takes Siren off to school where she meets a kid with brittle bone disease amongst his other problems named Adam played by Jack Grazer and her long time friend Crystal played by Nikki Hahn. During science class in which the science teacher who may come off nice, needs to know when to be bubbly and when to be the disciplinarian of her class they talk about metamorphosis as Siren somehow is able to manipulate the water in a bottle. Running scared she decides on talking to her friend wonders what is going on with her? (Show clip of Crystal and Siren talking and certain things are talked about including certain girl/women things. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Give her a break, What she doesn't need is the Spanish Inquisition! (Cut to the entrance to James' Studio as the Monty Python "Spanish Inquisition" stinger plays and as a trio of performers dressed as Inquisitors scream "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Scene cuts to James as the sounds of slaughter are being heard)
TLOTA:
Well, the funerals for those poor guys are gonna have to come out of my budget! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually Siren shows her abilities. The two talk as we see some truly strange things happening as Siren is scared by the people around her as if people are looking at her. Later on, Siren and her foster mother come in and the two talk about her birth mom and how much Siren's birth mom would love Siren. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Which based on the title, yeah, this just reinforces a trope when it comes to Mermaids becoming moms, and sadly how they SUCK at motherhood! (1970's Gameshow music plays in the background of clips of mothers and different mermaids as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
I'm not knocking motherhood as easy, But let's face it when you give birth to a child, ninety-five percent of your free time now belongs to taking care of a child. This movie and movies like "The Thirteenth Year", and the Barbie "Mermaid Tale" movies show this trope, even the series "Mako Mermaids" & "Siren" has that trope that Mermaids aren't the best mothers though, in the latter's defense, it wasn't like Ryn played by Eline Powell was glad to give her up the daughter to her pod. Maybe that's something that needed to be addressed more those sort of feelings as to why this happened and how much it hurt the mermaid to give up their child and how much she wanted to be in her child's life. Mermaids becoming mothers and how it can be a good thing for the mother mermaid to teach the offspring about themselves and what to expect in the world. This is one problem I have with the Disney Animated "Little Mermaid" movies. The third one showed that Ariel did have a mom for the first few formative years, While yes Ariel's mom was killed because... makes it easy. There should've been more time dedicated to Ariel learning to explore because maybe her mom loved doing it and it would've led to Ariel being the way she was. Call me nuts but we need to see more movies when it comes to mermaids and motherhood, it needs to be handled better. (Cut to James as he sighs.)
TLOTA:
But I digress, on with the review. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Later on, Adam and Siren have a brief conversation, quickly becoming friends as Adam tells Siren about himself more. The next day as Siren sports the present Crystal gave her the day before, glows which forces Crystal to stay away from Siren. That night Crystal and her mom played by Kim Hidalgo and it's at Dinner that with the subtlety this movie can afford, tells Siren she's becoming a mermaid and that Crystal is going to be a half-blooded mermaid just like her mom. Not handling the news well, Siren takes a bath which doesn't quell her fears as well... (Cut to clip of Siren's feet becoming more fin-like and passes out. Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
That could've been worse! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief trip to the Hospital, Siren is invited to a meeting where other mermaids are. Siren heads to Adam's father's house as he and a friend of his named Brody meet Siren as she secretly tells Adam about what's happening to her. Adam supports her as Siren finds a book that reveals Adam's family and associates are Mermaid Hunters. Running back home Siren tells her foster mother about Adam's dad and her foster mom tells her to stay away from Adam and to give her an aerator to protect her newly developing gills. The next morning after having a dream about her birth mom, Siren decides to opt away from wearing it, leading to this somewhat comedic moment. (Cut to the moment in which Siren passes out and is taken to the Principal's office as James continues his voiceover.) It's here that the Principal played by Morgan Fairchild helps Siren with an aerator she has because The Principal is a mermaid as well. Yeah, that's the ticket! Later on, Adam discovers his dad and his friend Brody talk about killing Siren for her blood to heal Adam. Adam tells Siren about how bonkers his dad and Brody are. However Siren out of the kindness of her heart is willing to do whatever it takes to help her new friend, and I got to admit, it was a nice touch to show that even though the parents and adults are dead set in the old ways, kids are better at solving things than we give them credit for. Later on, at a desalination plant, Land bound mermaids come together to welcome Siren into their group. While that's happening Adam spills he knows who the mermaid that's coming of age but won't spill on who she is. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Dude, you're in enough hot water to cook you alive! Oh did I forget to mention that as the movie has gone on Adam has been racking up the injuries? My bad so that doesn't make things better for Adam's dad or Siren. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Adam's dad and Brody who for some reason is becoming a likable Mr. Crocker of sorts put two and two together and for the record, it's four! Not IFLYDACHOOCHOO! like how you're being taught! Adam's dad rightfully believes it to be Siren. When Adam's Dad, Brody, and their friends try to find her, they miss her as she makes it to a safe house. Adam's dad, Brody, and the other hunters find the other land-bound mermaids and take the Principal as a hostage and posting a spoiler as to what happens to the Principal, they forget about her and she decides to get out after the ending which I will talk about soon. But needless to say, everything that happens after a certain point in the ending is moot especially when I get to it. But I digress. Siren completes her transformation as Tiffany, the woman who raised Siren as her own daughter has a moment in which her heart is breaking because she has to let her go! And to be fair I know where she's coming from, as my two of my three nieces are eighteen and are moving on with their lives and it hurts because as the years have gone on, I've grown to think of my nieces as my own daughters! Anyway, Siren appears to be safe in the ocean, as she finds her birth mother Emerald played by... Excuse me for a moment. (Cut to James as he searches for the actress who plays "Emerald" in the movie and comes upon a name.)
TLOTA:
HOLY CARP! IT'S WORLD-RENOWNED MERMAID AND OCEAN ACTIVIST HANNAH FRASIER! THA... (Stumbles on the words as to how awesome Hannah Frasier is.) WOW! Congrats movie, You just jumped up quite a few notches in my book! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Adam continues to deteriorate, Adam's dad and the hunters' force Tiffany and the others to call out Siren and her mother Emerald which they do as everyone discovers that Siren is a Full Blooded Mermaid and not a half-blooded one as Siren and Emerald sing a song which heals everything even Adam's brittle bones! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And to be honest, it is cool to see how one thing actually means another so that a mermaid's blood is in fact their song that can heal! It's a harmless touch. But the harmlessness of the movie ends right about here as... (Show clip of Emerald creating a big and terrifying storm. Cut to James as he gets a call.)
TLOTA:
Hello! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Uh, James, something demonic is happening. Let me put the phone on speaker. (The Gozer speech from "Ghostbusters" is heard as E-Rod opens the door where Alex is. The two lock eyes as Julia Alexa Miller asks E-Rod to return inside so she can tell him what's going on. Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah Emerald has summoned a storm that is ready to unleash Gozer and if that's what Mama can do, I am scared of what Siren is going to WHAT THE...?! (Show clip of Siren reducing Brody to a pile of water as James screams in terror, cut to the clip of Rob Zombie's "Halloween" as Dr. Loomis shouts "WHAT THE HELL?! JESUS CHRIST!" Cut to Brody now officially a pile of dust as it cuts to James.)
TLOTA:
"SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE A SICK MOVIE "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" YOU'RE SICK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to water, intercut with James babbling incoherently about Brody and his fate. Cut to James.) YOU'RE SICK, MOVIE YOU! ARE! SICK! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE CUTE AND HAPPINESS AFTER WHAT YOU PULLED MOVIE! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GET THE MOMENT IN WHICH WE SEE ADAM FULLY HEALED AND ABLE TO PLAY SPORTS! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE MOMENTS OF TIFFANY COPING WITH THE LOSS OF SIREN AND YOU SURE AS ALL GET OUT DON'T DESERVE THE MOMENT IN WHICH SIREN HAS HER DREAMS COME TRUE AND SHE MEETS HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER IN A POST-CREDIT SCENE! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT ENDING BECAUSE YOU KILLED A GUY! AND THIS MOVIE GOT THE DOVE FOUNDATION'S SEAL OF APPROVAL!?! AY-YI-YI! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was "Scales: Mermaids Are Real" and had that moment in the end not happened it would've been, for the most part, your basic every day, average, dollar store harmless fun family film with above better than average acting for a movie of this caliber, a fun plot with some fairly good morals and stunning visuals. However, as my friend Rowdy said best, "It's not how you start, it's how you finish!" (Cut to the original ending of Dante being killed in "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The best comparison I can make is the original version of "Clerks", In the nationwide released version, the movie ends with Dante and Randal closing up the Quick Stop. However, in the original version, Dante is gunned down as he closes up, which actually ended the movie on a down note and thus ruining any goodwill Kevin Smith had in the movie. Imagine instead of cutting that ending out he doubled down on it with Randal coming in, getting a bullet to the head, then Jay and Silent Bob buy the farm as well. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
This is supposedly a family film about friendship, finding yourself, and becoming who you have to be. This isn't an indie film done on the budget of a gallon of gas! And when you end with a guy being killed by being reduced to water, you forfeit every ounce of goodwill that you gave in the hour and a half proceeding that moment! I was going to say "I recommend it as a harmless Saturday Afternoon with nothing better on the tv type of movie and you should check it out!" But I cannot in good conscience do so after such a horrific moment! This needs to be sent to the depths of Mariana's Trench and left there for eternity! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And yes if you're wondering, Next time is my eighth anniversary! (The sound of a demonic voice shouts "IT WILL BE YOUR LAST! I WILL DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!") That might happen, even I'm afraid I won't make it and after watching this movie, I can tell you, that fear is reinforced! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to a puddle of water and James screaming in fear as he hides. Cut to black.)
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