(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours, is it wrong of me to think that "The Fast And The Furious" movies are not that bad? (Cut to clips of "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Created by Gary Scott Thompson, this franchise has eight movies, nine if you count the "Hobbs & Shaw" Spin-off and a new one coming soon as well as an animated spin-off featuring a fictitious nephew called "Spy Racers", "The Fast And The Furious" has become one of the longest and most successful movie franchises. Having earned over five BILLION dollars even though Critical reaction has been mixed at best. But to me, every one of these movies has their awesome moments and their moments that you look at and think "NO! NO! NO! That is just TOO dumb! Even by most movie-making standards" But today we're looking at ten of the ridiculous moments, the moments that would either be a chuckle or a scream of laughter as you cry "WHY?", either way, it should be funny. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So get ready to crank the Nitrous, shift these cars into the turbo, and live your life every quarter mile, these are the Top 10 most Ridiculous moments of "The Fast And The Furious" movies! (Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips as it cuts to the Title Card saying "The 10 Most Ridiculous "Fast & Furious" Moments". Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 10
(Cut to the moment we're introduced to Brian from "Furious 7" as James does a voiceover)
10) Brian's Introduction from "Furious 7"
TLOTA (V.O.):
So at the end of "Fast and Furious 6," Brian played by the late Paul Walker had embraced parenthood with his wife/Dominic's sister Mia played by Jordana Brewster but we had no idea how much he would've had Paul Walker was domesticated because while the movie was in production, Paul was killed in a race. So what would be the most dignified way to reintroduce the character? By having him take Jack O'Connor to school in a minivan as we're led to believe that Brian is working as a racer of sorts. But nope, Brian is now a domesticated dad while thinking of the racing but instead of him driving a badass racing car, he's in a minivan! Yeah, no other way of describing it except as ridiculous!
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 9
(Cut to every scene with Cipher in "The F8 Of The Furious" as James does a voiceover.)
9) Cipher from The F8 Of The Furious
TLOTA (V.O.):
Charlize Theron is an awesome actress, no questions around it. But what is the deal with her? Apparently, Cipher had Dom in her sites "Fast and Furious 6" and hired Mose Jakande in "Furious 7" for info on Dom, which caused a Face/Heel Turn so quick and out of nowhere that would have made Paul Wight dizzy and forced Dom to serve her, and you can tell on Vin Diesel's face he wasn't enjoying it and some of the other stories which I am sure aren't true but I digress. How they had to make the character be a link in the plots of "Fast and Furious 6" and "Furious 7" into "F8 of The Furious" just causes a whole lotta plot holes that aren't necessary! If you think that this is just ridiculous, then feel free to join me in the number six spot as I go further into what goes into Dom in this one or join me for something as ridiculous in the number 8 spot.
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 8
(Cut to every clip of Letty Ortiz from "Fast & Furious", "Fast and Furious 6", "Furious 7" as James does a voiceover)
8) How Letty bought the farm then returned from the grave!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, get ready to go slightly cuckoo when you hear this. So, in "Fast & Furious", apparently Brian, who is now an FBI Agent convinces Letty to help him bring a drug dealer by the name of Braga and is caught and supposedly killed which sets Dom off on Brian and the events of the rest of the movie as well as what happens in Fast 5 which trust me will have it's fair share of ridiculous moments when we get to them, but I digress. In a post credit scene at the end of "Fast 5" which The Fast And The Furious made popular before the MCU, Agent Hobbs discovers a terrorist thanks to a cameo from Eva Mendes has somehow brought Letty back from the grave. Now given this movie franchise's track record, they never fully explain how she survived or how she got involved with Owen Shaw. But Dom and his crew seem to rescue Letty from being Owen's Lackey by the end of six and by the end of 7 she fully remembers Dom and everything that happened. There is loose storytelling and then there is...This!
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 7
(Cut to the tank battle in "Fast and Furious 6" as James does a voiceover)
7) Cars v Tank Chase Battle from "Fast and Furious 6"
TLOTA (V.O.):
When it comes to chase battles usually "The Fast and The Furious" movies usually do have them in spades and some are more silly and some are more awesome. In "Fast and Furious 6" Dom and the gang have to take on a terrorist by the name of Owen Shaw who has an amnesiac Letty on his side and to ensure he gets the win. But to hedge his bets especially since it's Dominic Toretto and his crew, the dude got a friggin' tank! A FRIGGIN' TANK! Can we say, OVERKILL because let's face it when it comes to Dominic Toretto, not even a tank can stop Dom and his crew, and even though there's CG a plenty in this moment, I could barely tell where it is but yeah, when you get a tank involved in this crazy franchise, then yeah, it is as ridiculous as it gets and we've still got six moments left!
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 6
(Cut to every moment in "F8 Of The Furious" as Dom is forced to work for Cipher as James does a voiceover)
6) Dom's Heel Turn
TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, I had to get to this one, Yeah first off Cipher, What were you thinking? That you could turn the anti-hero of the movie into your lackey? You got your ass to Cuba, getting to Dom by mentioning certain things and then you kill Elena and threaten Dom's son Brian? Then kissing him in front of Letty who is Dom's legal wife, bitch, it's a good thing you got away when you did, otherwise had you stuck around Dom would crush your head like a walnut! If there was a reason for ONE member of the team to do a heel turn, granted it would've been a good unexpected surprise was the hacker Ramsey! Leo would've called up Dom with Letty on their honeymoon in Cuba (Which is ridiculous as is.) Let him know what the scenario is, have Ramsey hack into Dom and Hobbs' car, knock out Tej and Roman and tell Dom and Hobbs that they're her hostages to change up the pace, the strongest characters in the franchise now having to escape, discover Elena has been captured and the two discover that Dom has a son, then have Dom and Hobbs fight to stop Cipher with Hobbs pounding Cipher like Chicken Fried Steak with a side of Country Gravy! (NOT THAT WAY! GET OUT OF THE GUTTER!) Then Elena joining Dom and Letty to help raise their son together! It's a new world, Why Not? But nope you hinged your plans on trying to make the biggest name into your forced servant! No wonder you lost so badly Cipher!
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 5
(Cut to every clip of Leo & Santos as James does a voiceover)
5) Leo & Santos
TLOTA (V.O.):
I just don't know where to start with this, these two guys are the unnecessary comic relief in something that has been so ridiculous that they're worthy of their own spot on the list. Especially when it comes to helping Dom and the Crew. With the exception of a brief cameo in "F8 Of The Furious" they thankfully haven't come back nor is there plans to revive the duo but when their best moment involves them getting into the Rio Police Station and getting what they need in terms of getting information for the crew to get into the police station in Rio and getting Deckard ready in "F8 Of The Furious", they have added nothing in terms of anything helpful except for some ridiculous moments in a franchise that has no need for their "Laurel And Hardy"-Esque slapstick.
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 4
(Cut to clips of Dom's escapes from the law as James does a voiceover)
4) How Dom always escapes from the law or from seeing a prison cell!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Call it the luck of fools but even I know that it has a short shelf life. But what happened in the first movie set the precedent for what would happen for the characters. Just as it appears that Brian was going to bring Dom in for what he did, Brian made the choice to instead give the wanted criminal his ride as Dom rides off to Mexico. Then at the end of "Fast And Furious," it appears that Dom is heading to Lompoc for the next 25 to life. That is until Brian, Mia, and the rest of the crew get Dom out of the bus heading to Lompoc! Then after what happens in the number two spot, Dom and Brian get a 24-hour head start to get out of Hobbs' way. And while fully pardoned at the end of everything by the end of "Fast And Furious 6" everything Dom did in "F8 Of The Furious" should've gotten said pardon voided but nope apparently all is forgiven because had he said something then maybe, just MAYBE Elena would still be alive and helping raise Brian Marcos Toretto. While it is an impossibility that one day Dom's luck would run out. I find it ridiculous that he dodged that many bullets and not got it one time. Well if that ever happens it'd probably be as ridiculous as to how he has escaped.
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 3
(Cut to the Submarine vs Dom's crew from "F8 Of The Furious as James does a voiceover.)
3) Dom, The Crew vs a Submarine from "The F8 Of The Furious"
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, NOW we're into "Cinemasins" Meter breaking territory people! Hobbs having taken Dom's Crew to stop Cipher in Russia with the codes for Nuclear Weapons that Cipher has in her possession and after The Shaw Brothers secure baby Brian. Dom turns on Cipher, tells her to piss off, then as the Kimchi continues to go downhill, Cipher while still having control of a Submarine fires heat seekers leading to Dom to do a noble sacrifice to increase the thermal charges on his ride to take the sub out nearly killing himself, but in the end barely survives, Geez Dom's self destructive sacrifices should be on this list. Anyway how ridiculous is this moment, well apparently the Cinemasins meter shattered on impact. But there is so much crazy it should be at the top but we've got two more moments to go!
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 2
(Cut to the Safe chase from "Fast 5" as James does a voiceover)
2) The Safe Chase from "Fast 5"
TLOTA (V.O.):
I could've made Dom' intro, the theft of the cars and the aftermath of the job gone wrong here but that was too easy. No, here's the situation as it plays out here to this point. The character of Vince is killed with Dom promising to take care of his wife and son who he had in Brazil. This leads to Hobbs and Elena siding WITH Dom to take down Hernan Reyes. Hobbs and Elena make their intentions known as Dom and Brian hook up the safe that is filled with Reyes' illegal fortune and drive that fortune throughout the streets of Rio de Janeiro causing god knows how much damage equivalent to "Man Of Steel", then there was the quote-unquote ten-second window in which Dom and the crew switch out the real safe with the one that they used for practice then USE said safe as a weapon to take out Reyes, and everyone on his side! There's the suspension of disbelief then there's this cuckoo crazy ridiculousness!
(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And The Number One Ridiculous moment in "The Fast And The Furious" movies is...
(Cut to clips of every single movie in "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover)
1) THE FRIGGIN TIMELINE OF THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE!
TLOTA (V.O.):
FOR THOSE WHO SAY THAT THE GODZILLA OR KING KONG OR EVEN THE TIMELINE OF THE ZELDA FRANCHISE IS INSANE, WELL THEN ALLOW THIS FRANCHISE TO SCREAM OUT A COLLECTIVE "HOLD MY BEER!" While the first three seemed linear in it's design, it's as we get to the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh movie that the timeline goes out of control. So Han dies in "Tokyo Drift" and Dom is there to retrieve the body, however in "Tokyo Drift" he goes boom automatically or so we're led to believe. Han appearing after his demise in "Fast And Furious", "Fast Five", "Fast and Furious 6" and briefly being mentioned in "Furious 7" means that he had a lot of adventures that should've happened BEFORE HE WENT TO TOKYO! As a matter of fact Han was in Tokyo at the start of "Fast and Furious 6" It would've been the right time to kill Han there, Have Dom's cameo make more sense or at least more sense oh and guess what in "F9" the one that's coming up, guess who's come back from the grave, Oh Hai Han! Wait, isn't he supposed to be dead? Then we have Letty's return from the grave and how it affects the existence of Brian Marcos Toretto. Her death in "Fast and Furious" pretty much meant it was time for Dom to take solice with another person, eventually! Enter Elena Neves played by Elsa Pataky, the audience assumed okay, He's moved on from his loss of Letty. However in "Fast and Furious 6" Letty's return pretty much throws the nearly great idea of Dom having moved on to be with Elena into the nuclear waste site. Even though Elena has become Hobbs' official partner in "Furious 7" how in the hell between "Fast Five" and "F8 Of The Furious" did Dom and Elena have the time to conceive Brian? He should've been a toddler by this point and barely know that Dom was his daddy! So many ways these small samples of the Time Space Continuum being thrown around at warp speed is mind boggling and just goes to show how friggin Cuckoo being too fast and too furious this franchise can get! (Cut to the poster of "2 Fast, 2 Furious" as James shouts "OH FORGET IT!". Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Are there any moments that were as dumb as the ones I mentioned, then let me know in the comment section below. Now after talking about the silliness of this franchise. Why do I still like these movies? (Cut to clips of "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
For that I have no clue. Maybe it's the fast cars, the fact it's mindlessly harmless in it's approach in storytelling engines or maybe, just maybe it's something that needed to show what it was worth since the first movie in 2001. That it was worthy of the movies in the same genre it somehow revived: The Car Chase Crime Caper Genre! (Cut to stills of classic Car Chase Crime Caper movies from the 1970s and actors from the 1970s as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Imagine these movies being made back in the day with the likes of Steve McQueen, Roy Scheider, Ryan O'Neal, Sylvester Stallone, Pam Grier, Richard Roundtree, Carl Weathers, Billy Dee Williams, Harrison Ford, Robert Redford, Farrah Fawcett, Charles Bronson, Yul Brynner, John Wayne, James Garner, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, Gene Hackman, Goldie Hawn, Ali McGraw, Warren Beatty, and hell even "MITCHELL" star Joe Don Baker! This would've been seen as the most entertaining, star-studded, story lite, action-filled, Car Chase Crime Caper franchise ever made and people would've gone to see it as one of the best action-adventure movies ever made. (Cut to clips of "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And maybe that's why I like these movies. I can imagine them being made back in the days with the grit and grime of the early 1970s and seeing them being considered classics. Plus I admire even with all the technology and CGI filming that happens there is a fairly decent amount of effort in how these movies work. Plus this is one of the longest-running franchises ever. The MCU may have 20+ movies to their name and have made their critical and commercial success. It comes effortlessly because they do their movies right. The Fast And The Furious Movies may not have that but the audience is still there and yes while there will be more crazy ridiculous moments in the last few movies there will be made in this franchise. They only help make the movies the type of fun that is necessary for movies being made nowadays. If you love these movies, then you know why. If you check them out, then I STRONGLY suggest you take what goes on Ridiculous moments and those that are not with a grain of salt! And enjoy the ride a quarter mile at a time! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!
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