James Faraci The Last Of The Americans: April 2021

Sunday, April 25, 2021

Top 10 Most Ridiculous "Fast & Furious" moments

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours, is it wrong of me to think that "The Fast And The Furious" movies are not that bad? (Cut to clips of "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Created by Gary Scott Thompson, this franchise has eight movies, nine if you count the "Hobbs & Shaw" Spin-off and a new one coming soon as well as an animated spin-off featuring a fictitious nephew called "Spy Racers", "The Fast And The Furious" has become one of the longest and most successful movie franchises. Having earned over five BILLION dollars even though Critical reaction has been mixed at best. But to me, every one of these movies has their awesome moments and their moments that you look at and think "NO! NO! NO! That is just TOO dumb! Even by most movie-making standards" But today we're looking at ten of the ridiculous moments, the moments that would either be a chuckle or a scream of laughter as you cry "WHY?", either way, it should be funny. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So get ready to crank the Nitrous, shift these cars into the turbo, and live your life every quarter mile, these are the Top 10 most Ridiculous moments of "The Fast And The Furious" movies! (Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips as it cuts to the Title Card saying "The 10 Most Ridiculous "Fast & Furious" Moments". Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 10

(Cut to the moment we're introduced to Brian from "Furious 7" as James does a voiceover)

10) Brian's Introduction from "Furious 7"

TLOTA (V.O.):
So at the end of "Fast and Furious 6," Brian played by the late Paul Walker had embraced parenthood with his wife/Dominic's sister Mia played by Jordana Brewster but we had no idea how much he would've had Paul Walker was domesticated because while the movie was in production, Paul was killed in a race. So what would be the most dignified way to reintroduce the character? By having him take Jack O'Connor to school in a minivan as we're led to believe that Brian is working as a racer of sorts. But nope, Brian is now a domesticated dad while thinking of the racing but instead of him driving a badass racing car, he's in a minivan! Yeah, no other way of describing it except as ridiculous!

(Cut to different clips from "The Fast And The Furious" movies as fast-paced Rock and Roll play in the foreground of different clips. Cut to Dom's Dodge Charger zooms by and the number spins and stabilizes.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 9

(Cut to every scene with Cipher in "The F8 Of The Furious" as James does a voiceover.)

9) Cipher from The F8 Of The Furious

TLOTA (V.O.):
Charlize Theron is an awesome actress, no questions around it. But what is the deal with her? Apparently, Cipher had Dom in her sites "Fast and Furious 6" and hired Mose Jakande in "Furious 7" for info on Dom, which caused a Face/Heel Turn so quick and out of nowhere that would have made Paul Wight dizzy and forced Dom to serve her, and you can tell on Vin Diesel's face he wasn't enjoying it and some of the other stories which I am sure aren't true but I digress. How they had to make the character be a link in the plots of "Fast and Furious 6" and "Furious 7" into "F8 of The Furious" just causes a whole lotta plot holes that aren't necessary! If you think that this is just ridiculous, then feel free to join me in the number six spot as I go further into what goes into Dom in this one or join me for something as ridiculous in the number 8 spot.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 8

(Cut to every clip of Letty Ortiz from "Fast & Furious", "Fast and Furious 6", "Furious 7" as James does a voiceover)

8) How Letty bought the farm then returned from the grave!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, get ready to go slightly cuckoo when you hear this. So, in "Fast & Furious", apparently Brian, who is now an FBI Agent convinces Letty to help him bring a drug dealer by the name of Braga and is caught and supposedly killed which sets Dom off on Brian and the events of the rest of the movie as well as what happens in Fast 5 which trust me will have it's fair share of ridiculous moments when we get to them, but I digress. In a post credit scene at the end of "Fast 5" which The Fast And The Furious made popular before the MCU, Agent Hobbs discovers a terrorist thanks to a cameo from Eva Mendes has somehow brought Letty back from the grave. Now given this movie franchise's track record, they never fully explain how she survived or how she got involved with Owen Shaw. But Dom and his crew seem to rescue Letty from being Owen's Lackey by the end of six and by the end of 7 she fully remembers Dom and everything that happened. There is loose storytelling and then there is...This!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 7

(Cut to the tank battle in "Fast and Furious 6" as James does a voiceover)

7) Cars v Tank Chase Battle from "Fast and Furious 6"

TLOTA (V.O.):
When it comes to chase battles usually "The Fast and The Furious" movies usually do have them in spades and some are more silly and some are more awesome. In "Fast and Furious 6" Dom and the gang have to take on a terrorist by the name of Owen Shaw who has an amnesiac Letty on his side and to ensure he gets the win. But to hedge his bets especially since it's Dominic Toretto and his crew, the dude got a friggin' tank! A FRIGGIN' TANK! Can we say, OVERKILL because let's face it when it comes to Dominic Toretto, not even a tank can stop Dom and his crew, and even though there's CG a plenty in this moment, I could barely tell where it is but yeah, when you get a tank involved in this crazy franchise, then yeah, it is as ridiculous as it gets and we've still got six moments left!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 6

(Cut to every moment in "F8 Of The Furious" as Dom is forced to work for Cipher as James does a voiceover)

6) Dom's Heel Turn

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, I had to get to this one, Yeah first off Cipher, What were you thinking? That you could turn the anti-hero of the movie into your lackey? You got your ass to Cuba, getting to Dom by mentioning certain things and then you kill Elena and threaten Dom's son Brian? Then kissing him in front of Letty who is Dom's legal wife, bitch, it's a good thing you got away when you did, otherwise had you stuck around Dom would crush your head like a walnut! If there was a reason for ONE member of the team to do a heel turn, granted it would've been a good unexpected surprise was the hacker Ramsey! Leo would've called up Dom with Letty on their honeymoon in Cuba (Which is ridiculous as is.) Let him know what the scenario is, have Ramsey hack into Dom and Hobbs' car, knock out Tej and Roman and tell Dom and Hobbs that they're her hostages to change up the pace, the strongest characters in the franchise now having to escape, discover Elena has been captured and the two discover that Dom has a son, then have Dom and Hobbs fight to stop Cipher with Hobbs pounding Cipher like Chicken Fried Steak with a side of Country Gravy! (NOT THAT WAY! GET OUT OF THE GUTTER!) Then Elena joining Dom and Letty to help raise their son together! It's a new world, Why Not? But nope you hinged your plans on trying to make the biggest name into your forced servant! No wonder you lost so badly Cipher!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 5

(Cut to every clip of Leo & Santos as James does a voiceover)

5) Leo & Santos

TLOTA (V.O.):
I just don't know where to start with this, these two guys are the unnecessary comic relief in something that has been so ridiculous that they're worthy of their own spot on the list. Especially when it comes to helping Dom and the Crew. With the exception of a brief cameo in "F8 Of The Furious" they thankfully haven't come back nor is there plans to revive the duo but when their best moment involves them getting into the Rio Police Station and getting what they need in terms of getting information for the crew to get into the police station in Rio and getting Deckard ready in "F8 Of The Furious", they have added nothing in terms of anything helpful except for some ridiculous moments in a franchise that has no need for their "Laurel And Hardy"-Esque slapstick.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 4

(Cut to clips of Dom's escapes from the law as James does a voiceover)

4) How Dom always escapes from the law or from seeing a prison cell!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Call it the luck of fools but even I know that it has a short shelf life. But what happened in the first movie set the precedent for what would happen for the characters. Just as it appears that Brian was going to bring Dom in for what he did, Brian made the choice to instead give the wanted criminal his ride as Dom rides off to Mexico. Then at the end of "Fast And Furious," it appears that Dom is heading to Lompoc for the next 25 to life. That is until Brian, Mia, and the rest of the crew get Dom out of the bus heading to Lompoc! Then after what happens in the number two spot, Dom and Brian get a 24-hour head start to get out of Hobbs' way. And while fully pardoned at the end of everything by the end of "Fast And Furious 6" everything Dom did in "F8 Of The Furious" should've gotten said pardon voided but nope apparently all is forgiven because had he said something then maybe, just MAYBE Elena would still be alive and helping raise Brian Marcos Toretto. While it is an impossibility that one day Dom's luck would run out. I find it ridiculous that he dodged that many bullets and not got it one time. Well if that ever happens it'd probably be as ridiculous as to how he has escaped.

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 3

(Cut to the Submarine vs Dom's crew from "F8 Of The Furious as James does a voiceover.)

3) Dom, The Crew vs a Submarine from "The F8 Of The Furious"

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, NOW we're into "Cinemasins" Meter breaking territory people! Hobbs having taken Dom's Crew to stop Cipher in Russia with the codes for Nuclear Weapons that Cipher has in her possession and after The Shaw Brothers secure baby Brian. Dom turns on Cipher, tells her to piss off, then as the Kimchi continues to go downhill, Cipher while still having control of a Submarine fires heat seekers leading to Dom to do a noble sacrifice to increase the thermal charges on his ride to take the sub out nearly killing himself, but in the end barely survives, Geez Dom's self destructive sacrifices should be on this list. Anyway how ridiculous is this moment, well apparently the Cinemasins meter shattered on impact. But there is so much crazy it should be at the top but we've got two more moments to go!

TLOTA (V.O.):
Number 2

(Cut to the Safe chase from "Fast 5" as James does a voiceover)

2) The Safe Chase from "Fast 5"

TLOTA (V.O.):
I could've made Dom' intro, the theft of the cars and the aftermath of the job gone wrong here but that was too easy. No, here's the situation as it plays out here to this point. The character of Vince is killed with Dom promising to take care of his wife and son who he had in Brazil. This leads to Hobbs and Elena siding WITH Dom to take down Hernan Reyes. Hobbs and Elena make their intentions known as Dom and Brian hook up the safe that is filled with Reyes' illegal fortune and drive that fortune throughout the streets of Rio de Janeiro causing god knows how much damage equivalent to "Man Of Steel", then there was the quote-unquote ten-second window in which Dom and the crew switch out the real safe with the one that they used for practice then USE said safe as a weapon to take out Reyes, and everyone on his side! There's the suspension of disbelief then there's this cuckoo crazy ridiculousness!

TLOTA (V.O.):
And The Number One Ridiculous moment in "The Fast And The Furious" movies is...

(Cut to clips of every single movie in "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover)

1) THE FRIGGIN TIMELINE OF THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE!

TLOTA (V.O.):
FOR THOSE WHO SAY THAT THE GODZILLA OR KING KONG OR EVEN THE TIMELINE OF THE ZELDA FRANCHISE IS INSANE, WELL THEN ALLOW THIS FRANCHISE TO SCREAM OUT A COLLECTIVE "HOLD MY BEER!" While the first three seemed linear in it's design, it's as we get to the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh movie that the timeline goes out of control. So Han dies in "Tokyo Drift" and Dom is there to retrieve the body, however in "Tokyo Drift" he goes boom automatically or so we're led to believe. Han appearing after his demise in "Fast And Furious", "Fast Five", "Fast and Furious 6" and briefly being mentioned in "Furious 7" means that he had a lot of adventures that should've happened BEFORE HE WENT TO TOKYO! As a matter of fact Han was in Tokyo at the start of "Fast and Furious 6" It would've been the right time to kill Han there, Have Dom's cameo make more sense or at least more sense oh and guess what in "F9" the one that's coming up, guess who's come back from the grave, Oh Hai Han! Wait, isn't he supposed to be dead? Then we have Letty's return from the grave and how it affects the existence of Brian Marcos Toretto. Her death in "Fast and Furious" pretty much meant it was time for Dom to take solice with another person, eventually! Enter Elena Neves played by Elsa Pataky, the audience assumed okay, He's moved on from his loss of Letty. However in "Fast and Furious 6" Letty's return pretty much throws the nearly great idea of Dom having moved on to be with Elena into the nuclear waste site. Even though Elena has become Hobbs' official partner in "Furious 7" how in the hell between "Fast Five" and "F8 Of The Furious" did Dom and Elena have the time to conceive Brian? He should've been a toddler by this point and barely know that Dom was his daddy! So many ways these small samples of the Time Space Continuum being thrown around at warp speed is mind boggling and just goes to show how friggin Cuckoo being too fast and too furious this franchise can get! (Cut to the poster of "2 Fast, 2 Furious" as James shouts "OH FORGET IT!". Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any moments that were as dumb as the ones I mentioned, then let me know in the comment section below. Now after talking about the silliness of this franchise. Why do I still like these movies? (Cut to clips of "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
For that I have no clue. Maybe it's the fast cars, the fact it's mindlessly harmless in it's approach in storytelling engines or maybe, just maybe it's something that needed to show what it was worth since the first movie in 2001. That it was worthy of the movies in the same genre it somehow revived: The Car Chase Crime Caper Genre! (Cut to stills of classic Car Chase Crime Caper movies from the 1970s and actors from the 1970s as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Imagine these movies being made back in the day with the likes of Steve McQueen, Roy Scheider, Ryan O'Neal, Sylvester Stallone, Pam Grier, Richard Roundtree, Carl Weathers, Billy Dee Williams, Harrison Ford, Robert Redford, Farrah Fawcett, Charles Bronson, Yul Brynner, John Wayne, James Garner, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, Gene Hackman, Goldie Hawn, Ali McGraw, Warren Beatty, and hell even "MITCHELL" star Joe Don Baker! This would've been seen as the most entertaining, star-studded, story lite, action-filled, Car Chase Crime Caper franchise ever made and people would've gone to see it as one of the best action-adventure movies ever made. (Cut to clips of "The Fast And The Furious" movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And maybe that's why I like these movies. I can imagine them being made back in the days with the grit and grime of the early 1970s and seeing them being considered classics. Plus I admire even with all the technology and CGI filming that happens there is a fairly decent amount of effort in how these movies work. Plus this is one of the longest-running franchises ever. The MCU may have 20+ movies to their name and have made their critical and commercial success. It comes effortlessly because they do their movies right. The Fast And The Furious Movies may not have that but the audience is still there and yes while there will be more crazy ridiculous moments in the last few movies there will be made in this franchise. They only help make the movies the type of fun that is necessary for movies being made nowadays. If you love these movies, then you know why. If you check them out, then I STRONGLY suggest you take what goes on Ridiculous moments and those that are not with a grain of salt! And enjoy the ride a quarter mile at a time! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

"Artist" Therapy

(Scene begins with Julia Alexa Miller as she works on rearranging the stuff James had packed away)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What possessed you to pack everything I had up?

TLOTA (Offscreen):
Alex, I thought you were gone for good and I was into making some changes both personally and professionally. (Cut to James as enters Julia Alexa Miller’s Office as he shows his clean-shaven face to Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Speaking of changes, What do ya think? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
You look great! (Cut to James as a voice screams “ALEX, ARE YOU HERE?”)

TLOTA:
We’re up here! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he walks up and shoves James away)

Chad Narducci:
Oh thank god you’re here and packing up! That’s awesome! Well, thank you James for making sure Alex is okay and this is awesome, you’re packing up and getting ready to go. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she is putting everything back)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I was remodeling the office so I can return. (Cut to James as he walks back to Chad)

Chad Narducci:
Okay Faraci, Whatever you did to her, I am telling you to reverse it.

TLOTA:
I didn’t do a damn thing. Look, it’s obvious we all need to walk down to the last office in the hall!

Chad Narducci:
Why? Are we going to go at it like animals?

TLOTA:
No, he’s a therapist that I legally sublet an office so he can help out the rest of the team when they can come back safely and can help with us when we have Psychological problems and we’ll meet him AFTER the intro!

(Scene cuts away to a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to an office door with the words “Dr. Denny Psychiatric Professional”. Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
So now what do we do?

TLOTA:
I come here weekly since re-opening the studio. It’s been a good thing for me to do so! Be aware though, he’s a little peculiar! I think it’d be best for me to kind of be the one to get you acclimated to his style of therapy and some of the people he has to deal with. (James opens the door)

TLOTA (Sounding like Tommy Wiseau):
I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit! I did not hit her, I did naught! Oh, Hai Doc! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny (Played by Eric Kurtzke):
Oh, hello James and just in time for another group therapy session and I see you brought guests. (Cut to a very surprised Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci with their jaws agape as James walks towards them)

TLOTA:
What?

Julia Alexa Miller:
You have actually to say that?

TLOTA:
Every single time and Alex has to gender flip it!

Chad Narducci:
Seriously?

TLOTA:
Yep! (Chad and Julia Alexa Miller sigh in defeat as they say the line as James says it in the Tommy Wiseau accent. Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Welcome to our Room Therapy session. Meet Claudette! (Cut to Claudette as she is drinking alcohol like a fish!)

Claudette (Played by Renee Miller):
Hello! (Claudette continues to drink as the camera turns to Johnny as he tries to shave his beard with a bowie knife)

Dr. Denny (Audio only)
And that’s Johnny (Johnny played by John Ross Santos grumbles as he says hello, The Camera turns to Peter played by Nick Yaun) And, over here is Peter! (Peter chuckles insanely. The Camera turns to Lisa played by Rebecca Yaun.) And, here is Lisa!

Lisa:
HI-YEEE! (Lisa licks a picture of Tommy Wiseau) He’s so dreamy, I can’t wait to shove a chainsaw up his rectum! (Cut to James, Julia, Chad as they look somewhat visibly shaken, and Dr. Denny as calm as the wind)

Dr. Denny:
And finally, two new participants Tim Stereos and George Wiseman! (Cut to a very heavily disguised Tommy Wiseau as George Wiseman and an equally disguised Greg Sestero as Tim Stereos)

George Wiseman:
Hello, How are you?

Tim Stereos:
Welcome to The Room Group Therapy. (Cut to James, Julia, and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
These people need to be in straight jackets!

TLOTA:
Dude, disrespectful! (Dr. Denny pops in)

Dr. Denny:
OH! Tensions between some of our participants! Let’s work them out! (Cut to James as he takes his seat, Julia Alexa Miller wants to sit between James and Chad when Chad picks her up and over one seat so James and Chad have to sit together.)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, the main source of my problems, is this guy to my right! “James Faraci The Last Of The Americans”! Ever since 2016 he’s been a thorn in my side. Alex and I decided to work on a show which was just a fun project called “Life As A Mermaid” then we decided to make a second season and this is where this son of a bitch comes in, we had a crowdfunding event, James decided to donate money. Had anyone with common sense would’ve done he would’ve left well enough alone. But no, he had to promote the series, he had to tweet about it, post it on Facebook pages! This guy has no self-control. Then season 3 happened, we decided to do a Patreon, while he doesn’t add anything financially, he says to himself (Making James sound like a moron): “DUH, IAMAMORON! I GONNA TRY AND POMOT A PECIL FOR A YOUTUBE SHOW IHAF NO PAT IN, IN A REVIEW OF ANOTA SUBJET! I GOT NO SEF-CONTOL, UH! I EATS THE SILLYPAINT!” (Sounding like himself): You didn’t offer any money, but guess what, you made it a point to invite us to some party for his friends to what end in hopes none of them do a review of the show Me and Alex made! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Then comes our final season! He somehow gets financially enough to add to our budget ONE DOLLAR! ONE LOUSY DOLLAR! (Chad turns to James who is getting angry) YOU ARE A PATHETIC LITTLE WORM! AND AGAIN HE PROMOTES THE SERIES! BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT! AFTER HIS POINTLESS LITTLE FIFTH ANNIVERSARY REVIEW, ALEX COMES BACK TOTALLY UNLIKE THE WAY SHE LEFT THE ONLY TRUE STATE IN THE COUNTRY, CALIFORNIA TO THIS TOILET STATE CALLED “NEW YORK” IN THE HOPES TO GET DIFFERENT EXTERIOR SHOTS FOR THE SHOW. This was also the time when Alex finds her new nitch doing photography but Alex comes back and all of a sudden she sneezes and a wave goes the opposite way, she can do things that I would describe as freakish! And I know that James just put his…(Chad grabs James’ hand) HIS DISGUSTINGLY FREAKISH AND UGLY HANDS INVOLVED! (Chad let James’ hand go and spits on him!) Then just as things kind of get back to normal here comes this studio! James asks Alex to move out to this little Podunk pissant county in this flaming toilet bowl just so she can do her photo tutorials, then James asked her a question which I have no idea it is until he can get his friends, the people I used to work with and then there the idiots he considers his peers in his profession to tell us! Then comes this pandemic which I figure would work perfectly in untangling the web of stupidity this idiot has around him. But all of a sudden Alex hears about a review on the show, he had little to no involvement in because a fan asked him to do so, and uh-oh! (Cut to Chad as his fist clocks James, who is getting angrier by the moment, in the forehead as he speaks) MR! NO! BRAIN! ACTIVITY! DECIDES! TO! DO! A! REVIEW! OF! A! SHOW! THAT! HE! HAD! NO! IN-VOLVE-MENT! IN! WITHOUT! CLEARING! IT! WITH! ME! (Chad stops punching James in the forehead to once again address the group) And it’s this reason that this freak, like you miserable incels, is the bane of my existence! That and he’s a Republican, therefore he is a gun-toting, neo-nazi, Bible Thumping, Trump-supporting, satanic pile of excrement who deserves to be made into the biggest joke on the face of the planet! (Chad sits down and flips James the bird! Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Well, James, you’ve been extremely patient having your character assassinated by someone with the ego of Lisa but the courage of Denny! So guess what, everyone, please let us shame this disgustingly egotistical douchebag! (Cut to Chad as he turns to James)

Chad Narducci:
Did you hear, they’re gonna shame you! This is gonna suck for you! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
No, Chad, please stand up again! (Cut to Chad Narducci as he stands up in protest)

Chad Narducci:
Excuse me? James is the freak! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
And do you know what you are? (Cut to the group as they face Chad)

The Group (In Unison):
Chicken, Chad! You’re just a little chicken! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheep! Cheeeeeeeep! (Cut to Chad)

Chad Narducci:
Please take this as an offensive assault on your character and your standings in psychiatry Dr. Denny. Does your therapy education come from that awful Tommy Wiseau movie “The Room”? (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Why yes, it is and your offense is ignored as “The Room” was a psychological study into the psyche of Johnny’s brain as all he sees is betrayal, disgust, and hatred even by those closest to him! Even his future wife seems disgusted by how Johnny is to the point where Lisa becomes so toxic, she drives poor Johnny to suicide. Even after his demise, Lisa revels in her disgusted handy work! Any comedic moments were incidental, for instance, group, what is the one question we do not ask? (Cut to the group as they say “Anyway, How is your sex life?”. Cut to Chad Narducci and Julia Alexa Miller both take a swig of their drinks as Julia Alexa Miller spit takes out to the group and Chad Spits on James’ crotch which leads James to scream so loudly, cut to a forest as James’ echoing scream causes an avalanche! Cut to James as he has a pained look on his face!)

Dr. Denny (Audio only):
My god, James, What happened?

TLOTA:
This (Extended Expletive deleted bleep) just spat scalding hot tea onto my balls which is recovering from being waxed! (Cut to every guy in the group save for Chad crossing their legs! Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Chad, I noticed that you did not cross your legs as did the rest of us guys who could. You are glad of what you did? You are as toxic as Lisa! (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
WHAT IS EVERYONE ON? DUMB PILLS?! JAMES ISN’T THE JOHNNY OR MARK OR ANYONE LIKE THAT HE’S A PATHETIC LOSER LIKE ALL OF YOU WHO WATCH AND ARE “TRAUMATIZED” BY A STUPID MOVIE! (Cut to Claudette)

Claudette:
You’re an idiot! Seeing naval banging and Tommy’s naked ass UGH! (Claudette drinks another bottle. Cut to Johnny)

Johnny:
And what about that moment in which they’re in Tuxes playing Football? That’s not bound to cause traumatic pain? (Cut to Peter as he chuckles and shouts SPOONS! Cut to Lisa)

Lisa:
Then there was the Spiral Staircase sex! That was something I’d like to try and I would do it after eating Tommy’s Penis! (Cut to a visually disturbed Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
I take my rant about you sick bastards back! (Chad sits back down Cut to James sitting on one end, Chad in the middle and Julia Alexa Miller at the other end)

Julia Alexa Miller:
But I’m sure that production wasn’t as crazy as the movie itself, Right? (James smiles nervously with an eyebrow raised) RIGHT, JAMES? (James chuckles nervously as it cuts to the Title card of “The Disaster Artist” before cutting to James sitting there with a defeated sigh on his face, Julia Alexa Miller putting a trashcan over her as Chad cries as he has a total meltdown cursing James out in the process. Cut to clips of The Disaster Artist as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes folks, the legend exists! “The Disaster Artist,” tells the tale of the behind-the-scenes chaos that came from the making of the Iconically horrendous movie “The Room” and how it affected the relationship of two semi-unknowns named Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero. But is the movie as accurate as a Hollywood Bio-pic? Does this tell the insanity of the behind-the-scenes of “The Room” accurately? (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Short Answer, no! Long answer, You should check out the book in which the movie is based on “The Disaster Artist My Life inside “THE ROOM” The Greatest Bad Movie Ever Made” as written by Sestero to hear the behind-the-scenes stories from making the movie for more in-depth info on this trainwreck from hell, but for now, let’s check out the movie the book is based on this is “The Disaster Artist”! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with testimonials of Kirsten Bell, Adam Scott, Ike Barenholtz, Keegan Michael-Key, Lizzy Caplan, Danny McBride, Kevin Smith, and surprisingly J.J. Abrams about their experience with watching “The Room” and their thoughts about the reputation of the movie. (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

TLOTA:
Ask some of the people in my profession and they’ll have some interesting thoughts on the movie. (Cut to the actual testimonials of Internet Reviewers who saw “The Room”. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon find ourselves in the year 1998 as we’re introduced to an insecure actor named Greg Sestero played by Dave Franco as he flounders in an acting class ran by Jean Shelton played by of all people Melanie Griffith! But as Greg walks back to his seat in shame, he meets the one and only Tommy Wiseau played by Dave’s big brother James Franco as we see well… (Show clip of Tommy Wiseau doing a bizarre rendition of Stanley Kowalski from “A Streetcar Named Desire”. Cut to Peter as he chuckles then babbles like a brook incoherently. Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Was that Tommy Wiseau doing the whole “Stella” bit from “A Streetcar Named Desire”?

TLOTA:
Yep. (James pulls out a case of Liquid I.Q. for everyone as it cuts to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that Greg and Tommy quickly become friends, impressed by his fearless (snickers) acting Greg wants to learn more about Wiseau as he claims he’s from New Orleans has apartments in San Francisco and Los Angeles, how can he afford it? Do we get more information on Who Tommy is? You guessed it, NEVER EXPLAINED! After hanging around with one another for a while, and watching James Dean’s “Rebel Without a Cause” and other classics, Greg and Tommy decide to hit the pavement looking for Hollywood Fame and Fortune in acting. (Cut to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Them and anyone desperate to make it in entertainment. (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Greg signs with Iris Burton played by Sharon Stone and is getting guest spots in movies like Gattaca, Patch Adams, Retro Puppet Master, & EDtv. Tommy is not having as much luck as I wish I was kidding his Acting coach, played by Bob Odenkirk suggests he go for roles in movies remakes of “Dracula” or “Frankenstein” (Cut to Claudette as she hears that and grabs two bottles and starts to drink them at the same time. Cut Back to “The Disaster Artist” as James continues to do a voiceover.) As Tommy and Greg celebrate Tommy decides to hit the Dance floor. (Show Tommy Wiseau as he dances to “The Rhythm of the Night” by Corona. Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they tilt their heads as it cuts back to Tommy Dancing and the letters “WTF” cover the scene. Cut to George Wiseman as he chuckles and Tim just sitting there)

George Wiseman:
That Tommy is a great dancer, among his other abilities, Yes?

Tim Stereos:
Yeah, sure To-Uh George! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
What did you call him? (Cut to George and Tim)

George Wiseman:
George! My name is George!

Tim Stereos:
Yeah, Didn’t nearly call him Tommy! That’s for sure because Tommy Wiseau is not here, AT ALL! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they say “Right” in unison. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However the good times don’t last as acting gigs for Greg dry up and Tommy being Tommy well, Yeah, there was NOTHING for him even after accosting Judd Apatow in the middle of dinner. One day Tommy stands on top of his Hollywood place as he contemplates his future. Then and there with Greg’s encouragement, the two decide to stick together as Tommy begins to write his (Snickers) Opus “The Room”! (Cut to a clip of Tommy as he goes over the plot of “The Room” even going over the fact Johnny is a vampire. Cut to George and Tim as they grumble over something. Cut to Johnny)

Johnny:
Either spit it out or go out to the men’s room to cornhole each other! (Cut to George and Tim)

Tim Stereos:
Uh actually, I don’t know if we should say this but me and George we worked on “The Room”

George Wiseman:
Yeah, we survived all the crew changes. We were there when Tommy said, “Maybe Johnny has a flying car because he’s a vampire” as a joke, nothing serious! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they say “Sure” in unison. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Greg looks over the script for what feels like hours is on board and Tommy having somehow put together the financing. Tommy decides to film in both HD & 35 MM! Any other filmmaker worth their weight in salt would go with a straight HD rental but nope, Tommy Wiseau decides that he’s gonna film in both 35MM & HD and he was going to buy the cameras from the studio. The studio he’s going to buy the cameras from thinks he’s completely cuckoo but decides that if he was going to take the cameras, they’d allow Tommy to film “The Room” right in that studio! After a regular Tommy Wiseau casting call, the cast is set, the sets and rigs for the cameras are set as Tommy sets out on his (Snickering as he talks) quest to make the greatest movie ever. (Cut to James as he bursts out into laughter onto the floor as it cuts to George and Tim)

Tim Stereos:
Wow, you lasted longer than most people who’ve critiqued “The Room”. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she stands up.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well from what I remember from some of the other reviewers who tried to review “The Room” Tommy Wiseau threatened to sue them, even though the reviewers were in the right to review Tommy Wiseau’s “Movie” and how in the hell can you two defend Wiseau. (Cut to George and Tim)

George Wiseman:
We worked on the movie, we survived because we shut up and listened to Tommy Wiseau! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
OH, REALLY! (Julia Alexa Miller looks with intensity at the duo, keeps his eyes on them as he writes “George” & “Tim”’s initials and inverting them. Cut to a hallway as we see “George” taking off his costume and make-up appliances revealing himself to be Tommy Wiseau and “Tim” doing the same revealing himself to be Greg Sestero)

Greg Sestero:
Great Tommy! You had to say more than you should’ve! And of course, the one therapy group that we thought we could hide in and not be recognized, boom! We’re recognized as that guy in the shirt with that Star and Stripes whose Girlfriend figured out it was us and now we’re being lynched!

TLOTA (Audio only):
They went this way!

Tommy Wiseau:
I’ll blame you later! Right now we shut up and run!

(Tommy and Greg run out of frame screaming for their lives as James shouts and runs after them, followed by Julia Alexa Miller as she zooms by, Chad Narducci running by, followed by Dr. Denny, and the others with Claudette taking a drink then shattering the bottle and screaming as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While the filming goes, for the most part, smoothly, Tommy’s inexperience makes the shoot quickly erode, and not helping is when Tommy gets himself ready for his first day of filming as an actor, and well the results are… See for yourself! (Cut to the attempted filming of the “I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bullshit, I did not hit her, I did not! Oh, Hai Mark!” scene! Cut to Tommy Wiseau as he is strapped to the wall and Greg Sestero is duct-taped to a pole.)

Tommy Wiseau:
That is lie, It did not take 95 or however takes the movie said it did, it took three maybe five takes also I had a script on me so I could do the “Bullshit line!

Greg Sestero:
Tommy, I was there, I had to carry your ass through Thirty Two takes! THIRTY-TWO! (The two argue as it cuts to James, Chad and Julia Alexa Miller as Julia Alexa Miller stands up and confronts Greg and Tommy)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Listen, you need to stop arguing while James is trying to do his work, so now would be a good time to (Shouting which causes a minor tremor in the building): SHUT UP! (Cut to everyone shaking. Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Excuse me, Julia? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she returns to her seat)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Call me Alex! (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Okay then Alex, it appears you have quite an aggressive streak, one that rattled this building, are you like Chris-R where you cannot wait five minutes? (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller, Chad Narducci, and James Faraci)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I have patience, I also allow myself to have a healthy amount of anger. (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Well, do you direct it towards James or Chad? (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
When I am in the right to do so. One time, James took me on a trip to Aragrabah in his Space-Time Device, and the next thing I know we’re doing a Disney’s “Aladdin” adventure! (Chad sits there with a surprised look on his face!) Before then, Chad was giving me Tsouris over what happened right as I left James’ old studio, A couple of hundred volts of electricity and you’ll learn not to piss me off! (Cut to still images of everyone with a look of either shock or fear except for Lisa who might be happy to piss Alex off! Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After what probably felt like a year in hell or the only other way I can compare it to is being made to work for a day with Wiseau, Sandy Schklair played by Seth Rogen decides to cash a check and if the money isn’t there, he’d probably be the first one to tell everyone to bail, when to his shock and surprise, The money is legit! So much so that, I kid you not, the budget for “The Room”, again no joke is… (Cut to James as the music for Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movie at the 1:15 mark plays as camera zooms to his face as he points his right pinky to his left dimple)

TLOTA:
Six Million Dollars! (The same mark plays as it cuts to everyone else except James, Tommy & Greg as their jaws collectively hit the ground. Cut to James) Yeah, I was shocked at this as well! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While production drags to a crawling pace equal to the final season of “Mako Mermaids” and no basic services like comfortable days on the set, no water, craft services, or Air conditioning eventually leading to the actress who plays Lisa’s mom collapsing however Tommy feels like everyone including for Greg no reason outside of Tommy being suspicious of everyone’s support during the making of the movie especially since he has been recording all their honest criticisms and Tommy doesn’t like criticisms against him. I wonder who he reminds me of and when it comes to the infamous Naval Banging scene, tensions have reached an all-time high. During a break from filming Greg and his girlfriend played by Dave Franco’s wife Allison Brie meet up with of all people, Bryan Cranston while working on an episode of “Malcolm In The Middle” because Greg with his beard looks like a lumberjack! And this gives me and everyone here carte blanche to do this. (The Lumberjack song plays as Greg sings the song as James and the others dressed up like mounties and do the refrain and as the song ends Lisa says “And I thought you were so rugged!” then proceeds to try and eat Greg as everyone jumps Lisa to stop her. Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) Greg asks to withhold from shooting to be in “Malcolm In The Middle” but Tommy somehow forces Greg to shave his beard, Sacrificing a chance to be in a popular show and hopefully get away from Tommy. Finally, after one too many days of arguments and Tommy being an asshole, Greg while filming in San Francisco, walks off citing Tommy’s lying, selfish and duplicitous actions, and the movie is wrapped! (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller as they sit in their chairs.)

TLOTA:
Which by any ordinary standards means that the movie would never see the light of day! (James holds in his snickering for five seconds before erupting in laughter for five seconds then regains his composure.) But for this crazy ass story, we’re nowhere near the finish line! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to June of 2003, Greg has all but forgotten the horrors of working with Tommy Wiseau, he and his girlfriend have called it quits, and is now a working theater actor in L.A. One day while coming home from a performance Greg sees the infamous billboard promoting “THE ROOM”! He then comes home to see an invite to the premiere for the movie which thankfully with sanity reigning decides not to go, that is UNTIL… SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Tommy’s back and forces him to come to the premiere in a limo filled to the brim with merchandising from “The Room” as Tommy and Greg drive past the premiere as Sandy says the most apropos statement about Tommy Wiseau! (Show the clip in which Sandy says it would be weird if Tommy did something normal! Cut to James)

TLOTA:
YOU AIN’T WHISTLING DIXIE ON THAT ONE BROTHER! (Cut to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The premiere happens and as people are laughing Tommy feels sad that no one is getting the movie but Greg is showing how this lemon is becoming lemonade! Tommy eventually relents to calling “The Room” a tongue-in-cheek parody of romantic dramas!

Julia Alexa Miller (Audio only):
WHAT?! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller as she gets up and hoists Tommy Wiseau over her head and Tommy is screaming for help and his mommy. (Cut to Chad Narducci and James)

TLOTA:
Okay, quick note, when Alex gets that angry… (A loud slam is heard and Tommy’s scream of pain shakes the footage) Thanks to the fact my current girlfriend read a magical letter from an ex-girlfriend of mine…(A loud slam is heard and Tommy’s scream of pain shakes the footage) She has the abilities of Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Carol Danvers’ Captain Marvel… (Strobing lights simulate Electricity as Tommy Wiseau screams in pain)… Storm and of course (James plugs his ears) Black Canary! (A scream is heard that shakes the footage as it cuts to the door and a thoroughly destroyed Tommy Wiseau with his hair now white and standing straight up on end. Cut to Greg who is now seeing Tommy Wiseau)

Greg Sestero:
JESUS CHRIST! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? (Cut to the thoroughly destroyed Tommy Wiseau)

Tommy Wiseau (High pitched):
Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go! (Tommy collapses as it cuts to “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And as the ending plays letting us know that the movie is now a cult classic and in one scene we see Greg Sestero as he stands in silent misery knowing he’s sacrificed his entire career, knowing he’s stuck with this weirdo from “Chalmette, Louisiana”, we’re given actual scenes from “The Room” playing in synch with scenes recreated for “The Disaster Artist” AND IF THIS MOVIE HASN’T ENDED ON THE WEIRDEST NOTE EVER! THERE IS A POST CREDIT SCENE IN WHICH TOMMY WISEAU MEETS WITH THE REAL TOMMY WISEAU CREDITED AS HENRI FROM CHALMETTE LOUISIANA! LET’S GO! (Show clip of Tommy Wiseau and Henri from Chalmette with Tommy saying to end this crazy fest “My god... Who are these friends Greg has?” as the Looney Tunes orange circles and ending theme plays it cuts to the recreation and the original scene of Tommy Wiseau shouting “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!” in the center of the Looney Tunes orange circles then cutting to Nicolas Cage in the center of the circles shrugging comically with the words “THAT’S ALL FOLKS!” pasted over it! Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
So that was “The Disaster Artist” and Chad I think you have something to say?

Chad Narducci:
Why yes, I do! (Chad stands up and then proceeds to do the Woody Woodpecker laugh! Cut to clips of “The Disaster Artist” as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
IF THIS WAS WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEHIND THE SCENES OF “The Room”? THEN IT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME THE MOVIE IS BONKERS FOR BANANA BALLS! “The Disaster Artist” with exception of minor inaccuracies the movie tells the stories that went on behind the scenes of “The Room” with a certain amount of accuracy. The acting is superb, the pacing of the movie is done well throughout the production, seeing what it was like on a movie set and if the people formerly associated with a certain site that's run by a feggulah and his group of Meshuggina schmucks decides to sell the rights to their collective stories to make a movie of their own then guess what I am all for it if you want to check out all of the behind the scenes madness of the room or you're just looking for a movie to prepare yourself for what not to do in making a movie or if you are devoted to Tommy Wiseau and his insanity then, by all means, check this movie out I highly recommend it. (Cut to Tommy Wiseau)

Tommy Wiseau:
But what about “The Room”, do you like it? You do or you would not be a fan. (Cut to James as he sits in his seat)

TLOTA:
Well, the first time I saw “The Room” was to prepare myself for my brother's wedding, I could not believe what I saw. Yeah, it was perfect MST3K material I made more jokes about it than probably most people in my profession. I made an entire review in which Tom Hardy's characters from his past movies we're doing “The Room” for my review of “Venom”. (Cut to Dr. Denny)

Dr. Denny:
Reviews? What exactly is your profession James? (cut to Chad Narducci sitting next to James.)

Chad Narducci:
This piece of cock garbage? He's an Internet reviewer! (James turns to Chad. Cut to James running for his life with Alex following him and Chad as well. Cut to an angry mob as they try to Lynch James, Alex, and Chad. Cut to Claudette as she drinks from her bottle and smashes it screaming as she runs out of frame. Cut to Tommy Wiseau as he still has his chains around his wrists.)

Tommy Wiseau:
Come Greg he is getting away! We will tear him apart the bastard!

Greg Sestero (Audio only):
You go ahead I'll be right there! (Tommy screams and flails his chains every which way as he runs out of frame show Greg Sestero as he is hopping along still tied to the pole. Fade to black, end of review)