(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours, I've seen movies that have had their fair share of good and bad moments and always I found something enjoyable about them. What I just saw had me having this reaction. (Cut to James with a blank background as he screams into a backpack for thirty seconds! Cut to James in his office.) Yeah people, this one as much as I tried to give it a fair shake always somehow, it did everything in its power to throw it away! (Cut to the Title card of "Science Boy's High School Reunion" then to the clips of the movie.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Starring, Written and Directed by Alex DeCourville, "Science Boy's High School Reunion" was a passion project he had in his mind for a character he had in mind. However, sadly this did have a lot going against it! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now before anyone and I mean ANYONE thinks I'm just going to go to town on it and tear it and everyone involved a new one, I am not knocking the maestro behind this movie, I am not knocking the cast or the crew or anyone involved. This is my impression of the movie as a movie. Is there going to be something I can enjoy about this movie? Will I be using my palate-cleansing list that I made while watching this one? Well, let's brace ourselves for the inevitable. This is "Science Boy's High School Reunion" (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up as "Science Boy" played by Alex DeCourville as he thwarts a crime by literally the power of science or dumb luck that's up to interpretation, after that we get our opening credits and it does look rather unimpressive, not bad mind you but yeesh! I'm in for less than a good time. We soon find our hero as his normal self Jason Stone at his day job as a struggling actor and the look on this casting director will mimic many of you who watch this movie. (Show clip of Jason Stone as he tries to audition at a theater troupe. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
This is gonna be a loooong hour and a half! (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The Casting Director pretty much says that he stinks so badly that if, were it up to him, would kill Jason and send the dude to hell where every single film making great, every successful writer and musician would beat him to death day in and day out for all eternity! After failing at his audition, Jason finds at his apartment an invite to his high school reunion! We then flashback 12 years as we see Jason's associates from his school and can we see that the blond ditz is well... (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Would someone mind telling me what they're supposed to be? (16-bit rendition of "The Chicken Dance" as it shows the secondary characters from the High School as it shows the Bubbly Blonde Space Cadet and under her is the title "Bubbly Blonde Secret Lesbian", The guy who likes to pleasure himself and under him is the title "A Dude Too Disgusting For The Man Show", The Goth and under her is the title of "Pretentious Girl who thinks being Goth is cool, even when it isn't", The Bully and under him is the title of "The guy who only got the girl because our hero is a pathetic dork", Show the female lead and under her is the title "The Pathetic and easily kidnap-able/ Brainwashed Princess Peach". Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jason continues to talk about his backstory we discover that at a Science Fair Jason is hit with some sort of scientific goo or actually come close enough to it to affect him. After an "OH DEAR GOD! WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" moment, Jason dons his Science Boy Costume and SWEET MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT IN THE NAME OF SIR ISSAC NEWTON IS UP WITH THAT BULGE?! Uh, Okay after that bit of "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" Jason perfects his costume and gets the Ring of Science and begins his career as a Superhero though he needed to work on being a normal guy the rest of the time. (Show clip of Jason trying to be "Normal" as James goes to the Horseshoe couch in his lobby and steps in revealing it to be a containment area filled with Blu-Rays and DVDs.)
TLOTA:
Okay, Palate cleansing time! We got us some "Fast & Furious" movies, "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective". "Batman & Robin", "Fishtales"(James looks at the audience) Yeah, it's that bad that I am going for this one! (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Jason tries to tell the love interest he pines for, her parents tell him she's on a date with the Bully. We soon find ourselves back in the present time as Jason decides to go and tell his love interest how he feels and go to the reunion. Meanwhile, at a bar some villain named Killjoy wants to hire a "Family" of enforcers to get "Science Boy", but that's not important as we're welcoming back the class of 2009 at a bar as we see some of the people talking about certain things that happened in the past and what they're up to. We soon see our love interest as she comes in with the bully and apparently they're married. But it's not like Jason will do something stupid like say reveal his identity to everyone at the reunion thus putting our main cast in danger. (Show clip of Jason revealing who he is at the reunion as it cuts to "The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult" head-slapping moment. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of "ARUGH! YOU [Expletive Deleted Bleep]" Everyone at the reunion rightfully rips his ass a new one and he abruptly walks out! Later on, the bully and the love interest meet at a bar where OH GOODY THE "HERO" of this picture comes in just as the enforcers come in. One lame-ass fight scene later, the enforcers are thwarted. Not too happy, Killjoy and his minions somehow decide to go after the love interest, though I must ask "HOW IN THE NAME OF NIKOLA TESLA DOES KILLJOY KNOW WHO SCIENCE BOY'S LOVE INTEREST IS?! HOW?!" UGH! At any rate, Killjoy brainwashes her into being a Villainess known as "Evil Woman" oh I forgot, Killjoy not only is never happy he somehow has the power to make people do whatever he says. An explanation would be nice to know about how he acquired his abilities! Oh well, we soon see our love interest seducing Science boy, and wouldn't ya know it works as she somehow forcefully convinces the casting director to hire Jason to be in his show, and in the brief few hours crime has risen a whopping ONE DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT! His friends try to convince him to get back to being a hero but he's happier being an actor!. (Cut to James physically as he continues his palate-cleansing expedition.)
TLOTA:
Oh hey, "Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull"! YES PLEASE! Oh, these movies (Show black censored bar over three movies made by a fegulah and his unfortunate victims.) I'll take them! Listen, I'd like to be a working actor myself but even I have my priorities! (Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
However The love interest's husband AKA The Bully comes in wanting to kill Science Boy for taking his wife! Even though from what I heard about you in this movie, you're the type of asshole who should be sentenced to life without parole for being such an asshole to his wife that he'd kill her before seeing her leave in an episode of "Law & Order: SVU"! Ugh anyway after that bit of irritation, The love interest shows her colors and allegiance to Killjoy, and Jason sadly quits being Science Boy and gives her his ring. Walking away in defeat he disappears as his friends decide to have a party where wouldn't you know it the bubbly blonde finally comes out as a lesbian and professes her love to the goth. However, the party is ruined as Killjoy and Evil Woman come in to challenge them and so after coming clean and coming out, our secondary characters decide to suit up and face Killjoy when... OH FOR THE LOVE OF PROFESSOR HIRAM STUPIDIOT! (Static breaks as it cuts to Professor Stupidiot.)
Professor Stupidiot:
Hi James, yeah sorry I haven't been as active, this facocta pandemic... (Cut to James as he grabs "Superman IV: The Quest For Peace" and The "JAWS" sequels.)
TLOTA:
Stupidiot, I didn't call on you so go back to whatever it is you're doing! (Cut to Stupidiot)
Professor Stupidiot:
Okay.(Cut to "Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Yes our "Hero" comes in and we're given yet another battle. Our hero and his associates save the day with pure FRIGGIN luck and please know that I am condensing a lot of stuff that is happening, trust me it is literally minutes away from the finish line when Jason realizes he can never have the love interest, EVER and goes on to continue the fight for justice! (Cut to James physically as he sits on his horseshoe couch)
TLOTA:
As pathetically as he can do it. Look I tried my best to enjoy it and I just couldn't. (Cut to clips of"Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, from an acting and writing standpoint, it's better then some of the worst I've seen but not by much. A lot of my problems come from the technical aspects. They may be on par with what little of the "RVD's Extreme Comedy Championship" proof of concept and I saw that in Brian Zane's episode of Wrestling With Wregret that's saying something. If you haven't seen it, then do yourself a favor, DO NOT ENGAGE! It... (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, I'm going to show everyone something! ORAC! Contact Alex! (Show James as he pulls out an old VHS tape as Julia Alexa Miller hops over the couch and lands on the cushion.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
So what's up?
TLOTA:
I am about to show you something, that has never been shown by anyone since the early 1990s (Cut to the screen as it shows a middle school production of "The Diary Of Anne Frank" as James performs as Otto Frank. Cut to James and Alex as the two watches.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Is that you as Otto Frank, in "The Diary Of Anne Frank"?
TLOTA:
Yeah, everyone else used cue cards and was reading it as if it were the first day they were trying. Me I was mostly off the card and the camera work was possibly some of the lowest I've ever seen. But that was more professional than what I sat through(Cut to clips of"Science Boy's High School Reunion" as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Technically the audio problems, the effects, every movie in the Dollar Store is more technically proficient and better done that this movie. It is on the same levels of "They just didn't care" as "Attack Of The Eye Creatures"! And just for the record, Alex DeCourville specifically asked for people to review this movie. He literally asked for it! And my review is that acting and writing-wise it was okay but the technical side is what let this movie down and can write this experiment as a bust. However, I want to say this to Alex DeCourville. You had a good idea and you did show your competence as a writer and an actor. So my suggestion, study more of the technical aspects and maybe you can figure out how to better yourself in making movies. Alex, don't give up at all and maybe you'll have a career in movie making. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller as they sit down and work on what to watch next on the Palate-Cleansing.)
TLOTA:
Whichever one you want to watch next, we'll check it out.
Julia Alexa Miller:
"Scales: Mermaids Are Real", Okay James seriously you need to find something better than Mermaid movies. (The two kiss as Julia Alexa Miller walks away)
TLOTA:
What can I say? I like what I like when I need to cleanse myself from a bad movie. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion.
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