(Scene begins with a
black background with the John Carpenter “Halloween” Theme intercut with the
1994 “American Gladiators” theme, cut to a Pumpkin with James’ pose carved into
it taking up the left side with two thirds of the black background with the
same text as in the Halloween movies as the words “The Last Of The Americans”
appear for two seconds then the credits of “James Faraci”, “Paulo Fonseca”,
“Rebecca Yaun”, “Nick Yaun”, “Brenda Fonseca”, “John Ross & Mike Santos”,
“Renee Miller”, “Andrew Beach”, “Ed
Champion”, “Eric Kurtzke” & “Olivia
Horvath”. “Written & Directed by James Faraci”, “Edited by Eric Kurtzke”,
“Produced by First Choice Productions” as the Jack O Lantern splits open to see
James’ head. The camera holds on James’ head for five seconds before pulling
back to see James Faraci The Last Of The Americans in Halloween mode in his
room)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and seriously 2020 has been enough
of a horror movie, should I even review one? Well, I guess after everything
that has happened, a little fake horror is better than the decaquadrillion real
horrors we have had to deal with this year. So let’s check out something that
just screams 2020 and directed by someone that screams the subtlety of 2020.
(Cut to an image of Rob Zombie as he holds a copy of both of his “Halloween”
movies. Cut to James physically as he says “Perfect”. Cut to title cards of Rob
Zombie’s “Halloween” and “Halloween II” as John Carpenter’s “Halloween” theme
plays then cut to clips of both movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Considered a good remake and a sequel that somehow left more people polarized
as to what in the hell Rob Zombie was thinking. These two movies were the most
commercial and yet somehow the most Rob Zombie-esque projects, Rob Zombie would
ever have. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And let’s get this out of the way Rob Zombie as a person I like, most of Rob’s
Music I’m a fan of, his movies… Not so much and before I see one sociopath, let
me explain. (Cut to Rob Zombie and images of his movies and music videos as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
First off, Rob Zombie the human being is an awesome person. He’s an intelligent
person, a very astute writer, some of his songs like “Thunder Kiss ‘65”, “More
Human Than Human”, “Feels So Numb”, “Dragula” & “Never Gonna Stop” are some
of my all-time favorite songs and after some of his movies are a mixture of
both Arthouse and Grindhouse. The motifs of his characters and plots are rather
unique. Mainly the ones that glower in the darker and more demented side of
humanity and instead of showing them in what many would consider the heroic
light, Rob forces us to confront them and take a stand against these
grotesques. However, I will be talking about the movies that polarized a
franchise that seemed to keel over time and time again only to revive itself.
(Cut to clips of “Halloween: H20” & “Halloween: Resurrection” as James does
a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After the surprise success of “Halloween: H20” which purged the “Thorn Trilogy”
from the continuity, Dimension Films were looking to cash in on the success.
What happened was “Halloween: Resurrection” which ironically killed everything
by turning Michael Myers into Busta Rhymes’ Bitch and tried to be with it by
making it about teens in the Myers house livestreaming on the internet like
“The Blair Witch” movie and giving it a “Reality TV” feel. Not helping is when
Busta is treating Michael Myers the same way Bugs Bunny handles Elmer Fudd! And
don’t even get me started on the ending of this trainwreck! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So what can Rob Zombie bring to Michael Myers screwy psyche? Let’s find out as
we take on The Rob Zombie versions of “Halloween” & “Halloween II” starting
off with “Halloween” (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Our movie opens in Haddonfield, Ohio at the Myers house where… (Show Michael
Myers’ homelife. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Yeah, we open up with forty minutes of Michael Myers’ childhood from Rob’s POV!
(Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And I wish I was kidding on what’s happening but what apparently to Rob,
Michael’s parents are Redneck monstrosities that even myself a Sullivan County
Redneck can call trash! His dad is an abusive attention seeking asshole and his
mom is… Sheri Moon Zombie and what does Rob have for his wife’s profession in
this… (Cut to Michael’s mom in a Strip joint working the pole and the audience.
Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
No comment! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After getting into a fight with Juni from “Spy Kids” and I’m not kidding that
is Daryl Sabara from all of the “Spy Kids” movies, Michael’s mom is called into
deal with it as The principal played by Richard Lynch calls in the grooviest Psychiatrist
in all the land Dr. Samuel Loomis this time played by Malcolm McDowell and as
Loomis, The Principal and Michael’s mom argue over what to do with (Show moment
of “Halloween” theme song being played) What in the… (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, I have to know if Rob was in the right frame of mind to make this movie
and the sequel because… Why are you using the theme like this? (Cut to the
moment of young Michael Myers as the “Halloween” theme plays)
TLOTA (Singing V.O.):
What is up with using the theme song? Like this, to me it feels all wrong! It
should be used when Michael is an adult and slaughtering people in the mask,
which to many feels like a natural…
TLOTA (V.O.):
Oh… Okay! Now I know why, because it shows how far gone he was, even as a
little kid! So when the family slaughter happens later, even though it is
supposed to be a series of “Shock Deaths” well it is one of those moments that
everyone knows even those who didn’t see the original! (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
So Kudos to you Rob on trying to set the mentality of someone who was too far
gone even as a kid, even when you could’ve gone down with how Michael was a
willing cult member but I think you were one of those that saw the Producer’s
Cut of Halloween 6 in a test audience and said “F this, This is too messed up
for me, I’m outta here” and said to yourself when you would do this one not to
use it as a crutch of a backstory for Michael. Awesome! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s
Halloween” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And as the inevitable murders of Daddy Myers and sister Judith with her
boyfriend for some odd reason having the Michael Myers’ mask, Michael’s mom
comes to see her holding the baby and of course the slaughter, and we see over
time that Michael becomes obsessed with making Paper-Mache masks and going more
into the quiet and dark character that we know just as his mom commits him
permanently and eats a gun. We cut to seventeen years later as Loomis after
years of trying to reach Michael now played by Tyler Mane who apparently Evil
strength muscle enhancing medications as part of his diet, decides to let him
go and one scene after calling Michael his best friend in a twisted way calls
Michael in a classroom of students “The Face Of Pure EVIL!” Kinda confusing there but no time to try and
work that out as a deranged guard and his cousin decide that the mask making
psychopath’s room is the perfect place to have their nasty way with a female
mental institute patient, which leads to Michael killing the two and Danny Trejo
who should’ve gone down fighting Michael but instead gets taken down way too
easy, but that’s me talking and I digress, Michael makes his way out of Smith’s
Grove and back to his old home and grabs the mask where The “Halloween” theme
works a lot better at this point. We’re soon introduced to Laurie who is now
played by Scout Taylor-Compton as we see her now as a well-adjusted teen having
a normal life (Show clip of Laurie “Bagel Banging”, Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
For someone who doesn’t know she’s related to a sadistic killer and if my twin
teen nieces and their little sister ever did that, I’d give them the fourth, fifth,
sixth, seventh and eighth degrees! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And here while not shot for shot everything is the same, it becomes like the
original “Halloween” but where Laurie is scared in the original, Her and her
friends one of them being the Sheriff’s daughter is played by Danielle Harris
from “Halloween 4” & “Halloween 5” call Michael out. And as Michael as big
and monstrous as he is stalks and I do mean stalks Laurie, her friends, and his
prey he does a really good job at it even in the darker scenes. Discovering
Michael has escaped Loomis tries to warn the Sheriff played by Brad Dourif however
it is in these moments that Rob mixes Halloween 1 & 2 as Loomis tells about
how Michael’s little sister is the only one left and how the Sheriff took
Michael’s little sister to a town away from Haddonfield to an Emergency room
and discovered that the Strodes adopted the baby! The Sheriff’s daughter while
holding her own against Michael is left in a pool of her own blood survives,
we’ll get to that later. Michael takes Laurie to the Myers house, tries to get
her to understand that he and her are related however Laurie doesn’t want
anything to do with Michael, a chase ensues, Loomis appears to handle Michael
with a few bullets, tries to get Laurie out of danger however Michael decides
to try and crush Loomis’ head like a watermelon at a Gallagher Concert. Chases
Laurie again through the house until Michael unleashes his inner Rated R
Superstar Edge and spears Laurie. Laurie responds with an apparent bullet
through Michael’s face! And the movie ends with a film of Baby Laurie and
Michael taking care of her. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that was Rob Zombie’s Halloween and as far as a remake goes, it’s really
well done! (Cut to clips of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While it’s not a bad remake, it does fall short when it comes to being as
awesome as the classic. While it’s not a shot for shot re-fail like the Gus Van
Sant “Psycho”, you can tell that Rob did his best to do what he needed to get
people to remember what it was that they liked about the movie series. He
didn’t add anything new, but he knew what to fix what was broken and leave the
rest of it alone. While somewhat of a critical and commercial success, Rob was
willing to leave well alone, the Production company that made this movie wanted
a sequel and was willing to do whatever it took to get Rob back on board which
also meant giving Rob complete and total creative control and the results?
Well… (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
We’ll get into those results when we come back. Right now, I’ve got to prepare,
I can’t help but feel as if something isn’t right. Like I’m going to be dealing
with someone or something unusual and seeing as how 2020 has been, it’s not
that far-fetched of a concept. (James walks away as the camera pans to the
window on James’ left as a man in a Michael Myers mask then cuts to the 0:36
Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with
the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera
pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut
to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully
morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as
the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The
Americans”. Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” starts at the Mental Institute at Smith’s Grove
where Michael’s mom once again played by Sheri Moon Zombie goes to visit… (Show
clip of Michael and his mom talking about a white horse and how she is dressed
in white. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
CLEARLY NOT MICHAEL! (Cut to clips of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” & “Rob
Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The young Michael Myers in the first Rob Zombie Halloween movie looked the
part, Daeg Faerch had a lot of the mannerisms of how a young Michael Myers
would be like in Rob Zombie’s universe, he looked like he was going to friggin’
grow up to be a blood hungry sociopath, Chase Wright Vanek while similar
looking doesn’t look anything like how Michael should’ve been. Was Daeg
unavailable? Could they have cut out the scene? Well the studio would’ve if
they had not given Rob total creative control which includes writing it which
also means that this whole White Horse and Michael’s mom dressed in white talk
is a plot point! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then cut to when Laurie apparently puts Michael down at the end of the first
movie and then Laurie, Loomis and Laurie’s friend are getting taken care of at
the Hospital. Meanwhile two necrophile morgue workers talk about their fetishes
when they get their Karmic bitch slap quickly when… (Show clip of the Cow and
the Morgue Van as they slam into each other. Cut to James physically in shock.)
TLOTA:
HOW?! HOW?! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW?! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
How fast were these guys driving? How did they not see the cow? It’s not that
unnoticeable and yeah, I have researched this, a van that size going the legal
speed of Fifty-Five Miles Per Hour can do some damage to the cow but not enough
to turn that Holstein into Hamburgers. But I digress, apparently Michael wakes
up and gets back to murder the surviving morgue worker and walks towards a
White Horse and his mom’s ghost dressed in white! And according to Rob, he had
the idea of the White Horse was a great image and was looking for something
significant to tie Michael to Laurie, Okay, I’ll roll with it for now. We soon
see Laurie coalescing in the hospital when she asks for some aspirin, but a
wasted Octavia Spencer cameo turns into a (British Accent): Message for You
Laurie! (Show clip of Michael in the Hospital as he slaughters the poor nurse.
Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, again HOW?! HOW DID MICHAEL GET THERE SO QUICKLY?! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s
Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
It’s not like somehow the white horse and his mom’s ghost gifted the dude with
teleportation otherwise, this is just silly. Laurie tries to outrun Michael
getting help from a security guard to get her out of dodge when Michael “Axes”
the guy to move out of the way so he can finish the deal when we see that it is
one of a plethora of bad dreams Laurie has had for two years as she has in the
intervening time moved in with The Sheriff and his daughter! Uh, Quick
question, did Michael kill the Strodes in the last movie? I didn’t see Michael
doing it so…. Why did she move in? Was the Sheriff basically imposing his will
and ordered Laurie to move in? Whatever. Apparently, the relationship between
Laurie and the Sheriff’s daughter has taken for the worse and to be fair, it’s
hard not to see why. Laurie doesn’t see her friend; she sees the scars Michael
gave Laurie and the Sheriff’s daughter. She talks more in depth about it with
her therapist played by the Late Margot Kidder. Good casting call there Rob. We
soon find Dr. Sam Loomis basically having become well a Sellout as he wrote a
book about the Haddonfield murders done by Michael and instead of dealing with
Laurie, the Sheriff and his daughter he is appearing on TV Interviews one where
he’s being heckled by both Chris Hardwick and Weird Al Yankovic, appearing at
book signings and just being a dick while trying to capitalize on the infamy of
what happened that night! So, remember the Concerned Dr. Loomis from the first
film? (Cut to James as he shoves a still frame of Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Sam
Loomis from “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” and shoves it ass first into a toilet as
it flushes the audio of Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Sam Loomis screaming “What The
Hell?! Jesus Christ!” is remixed to sound as if Dr. Loomis is underwater)
TLOTA:
Pretty much that. (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While at a speech Dr. Loomis is asked if Michael is alive when Dr. Loomis snaps
and tells the audience to piss off because Michael is a corpse! Meanwhile
Michael is found by a group of rednecks who of course act like assholes and
after getting his ass kicked decides to mask up and go killing! While having
Pizza with the Sheriff and her friend Laurie seems to be ill and her food tastes
like of all things…dog! I thought they were having Pizza not Chinese! (Chorus
of Boos are heard as it cuts to James physically)
TLOTA:
Oh trust me, it was a ready-made joke, I had to go for it! (Cut to “Rob
Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, like Halloween 5 there is a “Psychic” bond between Michael and a
relative judging by the shared dreams they have, yeah… Just watch (Show the
shared dreams the two have. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay apparently Rob had said in the same interview in which he talked about the
White Horse stuff he was looking into the meanings of dreams but turned out to
be well…what comes out of the White Horse’s anus! (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s
Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After the shared Michael/Laurie dream sequence give people a raging headache,
Loomis is confronted by a grieving father of one of Michael’s Victims at a book
signing who whips out a gun which between this and of course the aforementioned
tv appearance on a Talk show with Chris Hardwick and Weird Al, Dr. Loomis
decides to get back to trying to get Michael. Meanwhile, like in the Original
Halloween II Laurie discovers the fact that she and Michael are siblings.
Laurie handles it well. (Show clips Laurie freaking out and leaving the
Sheriff’s house and talking to her friends from work talking about how she’s
Angel Myers. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
For someone that has PTSD! And before I forget, this is something I need to
dive into. The fact that Laurie has PTSD, that is something very few sequels to
Horror movies get into, the scars of what happened to the survivors don’t go
away easily and in this one, seeing Laurie just trying to get back to normal
even though that’s gone out the window. So, to get her mind off the trauma of
what has been going through her for the past three years, what do her friends
do? (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Take her to a Halloween party and get plastered. While this might not seem to
be the sane route, remember this is a Rob Zombie movie and sometimes the sane
route isn’t the right one especially since Michael is killing one of her
friends outside, Laurie is somewhat healthfully letting loose which comes to an
end after seeing what happened when she comes home to see The Sheriff’s house
demolished and the Sheriff’s daughter dead and the friend who took her to the
kegger, dead as well. Meanwhile a trick or treater who is about my youngest
niece’s age comes upon Michael and where is his parents? Knowing Rob, they’re compost,
and the Kid is toast off screen! Though had it been my niece, I guarantee
Michael Myers would be a smear of blood on my knuckles if he so much as comes a
foot away from her! In the meantime, The Sheriff asks a deputy who has two days
before retiring to stop by his place to make sure Laurie is okay which is just
around the time that both The Sheriff and Laurie discover Laurie’s connection
to Michael. Sadly, that deputy turns into Victim number 428 on Michael’s kill
list. Laurie goes on the run with Shawn Wayland trying to help only for him to
meet his maker, Michael then in some comic book levels of crazy, flips the car
with Laurie in it! Michael grabs Laurie before the car goes kerblamo and The
Sheriff is notified about the carnage that happened at his place. Loomis
arrives but unlike last time The Sheriff is pissed to the point that he puts a
gun at Loomis’ head for what Michael did, but he can’t do it. They all arrive
at where Michael is but unlike the first movie, the Sheriff isn’t going to let
Loomis in to solve the problem. The Sheriff and all the officers are going to go
kill Michael the second he’s in range! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And here is where things get weird as there are two different endings to this
one. The Theatrical one and the unrated one and I will talk about both endings
starting with the theatrical one. (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James
does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Loomis walks in he sees Laurie apparently unable to do anything. Loomis
tries to talk to Michael when Michael decides “Loomis has got to go!” and does
so in a violent and savage manner. Laurie then slaughters Michael after being
shot by a sniper and comes out in Michael’s mask as it cuts to Smith’s Grove as
we see Laurie in the mental ward seeing Her mother and the white horse, meaning
she’s finally cracked and is ready to pick up where Michael left off!(Cut to
The Unrated ending as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Now on to the Unrated and possibly the saner ending. Loomis tries to talk to
Michael with Laurie again unable to do anything only for Michael to toss Loomis
out a wall like he’s the friggin’ Kool-Aid Man and after 17 years of silence
(in this movie’s timeline) Michael finally speaks saying only one word to
Loomis “DIE!” which Loomis does and just like in Halloween 4 every officer with
a gun mows Michael down with enough bullets for Ted Nugent to say “Even I think
that’s too god damned much!”, Laurie steps out as well and the amount of
bullets used to kill Michael is doubled as Laurie is gunned down and she
apparently dies, goes to limbo which weirdly looks like the mental ward in
Smith’s Grove and sees her mother and the White Horse meaning she is going to
survive and pick up where Michael left off or she’s gone for good and this is where
she will reside for all eternity. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now the theatrical ending has led to speculations and theories that Laurie did
all the slaughter in this one. Except let me ask you this If Laurie did all of
it…. (Cut to “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
How in the hell did she get into the morgue van to kill the morgue workers? How
in the hell did she kill the nurse? How in the hell did she kill that guard?
How in the hell did she kill the rednecks? How could she slaughter her one friend
while dancing at that party? How did she kill The Sheriff’s daughter? How did
she kill the deputy, her other friend, the pointless Shawn Wayland Cameo and do
all the stuff Michael did in the movie? How did she do all the killings in
between “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” and This movie? I don’t think she’s that good
a killer, I have to believe that Michael was back, and he did all the killings.
And since they tried making someone like Michael’s niece into the next Michael at
the end of Halloween 4, Danny Strode in Halloween 6 and now with Laurie it was
their third attempt to makes someone else into The Shape that was Michael Myers
which has not worked… AT ALL! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I know I might come off confused but given how this movie ended, it’s no wonder
that people thought that this movie franchise was too far gone! (Cut to clips
of “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” & “Rob Zombie’s Halloween II” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The first one is the better of the two but in terms of the quality of the
“Michael Myers Halloween” Movies, but that’s not much. While it does follow a
lot of the same beats as the first one, it gives some depth to Michael as it
spends basically the first act trying to get us to know more about Michael that
we already knew, he was a vicious sociopath as a kid and the fact he didn’t
have a normal life meant that Michael was screwed no matter what happened. Malcolm
McDowell’s performance as Dr. Loomis and Tyler Mane’s portrayal of Michael
Myers were the some of the highlights of both movies. I felt that Scout did get
what Laurie would be like as a modern-day version of Laurie Strode in the first
one and what Laurie would be like after the onslaught in the second one.
However, the second one is what polarized the fans more than the “Thorn
Trilogy” & “Resurrection”. This was just a weird, weird, WEIRD movie! Now
as I probably mentioned that Rob’s movies are a mix of Art House and Grindhouse
and clearly the Art/Grindhouse influence was heavier in the second movie than
it was in the first. The dream sequences left me confused as to what I was
watching, the two endings based on which cut you like better may be to your
taste but take my advice. Watch the first, skip the second. Why skip the
second? Because it’s one of the FEW times that giving someone too much creative
control was a bad thing. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion! (Scene fades
to black as it cuts to James getting ready to take care of things for this year
as per regulations during this crisis in New York State involving Trick Or
Treating as “Laurie’s Theme” from the 1978 classic movie plays for the first
fifty seconds. As James readies yet another protocol in the regulations “The
Shape Lurks” plays as James looks around. With the last ten seconds of “The
Shape Lurks” playing James closes a tailgate and sees a second reflection as
the music cuts to the Jamellan/Colin Drum cover of the Halloween theme at the
0:50 mark)
TLOTA:
You know something, after the year I’ve had, I’ve been expecting you and this
time you will NOT survive! (James roars into action kicking Michael Myers’ ass
with every second left in the song throwing him into the cinderblock well
cover, disarming him of his knife, beating him down like a martial artist and
then pinning him down with camping spikes to the ground as the music ends)
Okay, before I do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 1990’s and what I plan on doing to the assailant of
Rick Moranis, I want you to know when I’m done with you, it’s gonna take a DNA
test to make sure I killed you Michael Myers! (James reaches down and pulls off
the mask of Michael Myers and comes back up looking confused.) What the hell?!
(Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca with their heads in their hands, John Ross and
Mike Santos sitting with their jaws agape, Eric Kurtzke sitting in disbelief, Renee
Miller shaking her head as if to say “What were you thinking, James?”, Nick and
Rebecca Yaun with their eyes bulging out of their heads, Andrew Beach puking
his guts out, Ed Champion taking in everything James has said with a bottle of
liquid and Olivia Horvath sitting having heard everything and trying to process
everything she’s heard. Cut to James in his room)
TLOTA:
How was I supposed to know it was that schmuck from Chicago? He was dressed
like Michael Myers! (Cut to everyone in their rooms yelling and giving James
Tsouris for what he did to that schmuck from Chicago. Cut to James.) GUYS! I
really didn’t want to say this but SHUT UP! Okay, as soon as the police arrived,
I told them everything that had happened, I just got off the phone with the
Hospital, it’ll be some time before he’s back to his dumbass self! (Cut to
Paulo and Brenda Fonseca)
Paulo Fonseca:
But dude! You dropkicked him onto a tailgate!
Brenda Fonseca:
And as he made impact with the tailgate you punched his knees so hard, they
snapped like twigs! (Cut Rebecca and Nick Yaun)
Rebecca Yaun:
You then proceeded to smash his right hand with the backup generator!
Nick Yaun:
I think we can all agree if angry, you will hurt people! Now after last month
when we talked, you were feeling better after the loss you suffered. (Cut to Ed
Champion)
Ed Champion:
And in a Psychotic break, you did an entire review of “The Shootist” (Cut to
Andrew Beach)
Andrew Beach:
Which led to the revelation that just because this cluster bank of bad that was
this year is a bust. (Cut to Renee Miller)
Renee Miller:
Which led to you feeling like there was a second chance just not this year.
(Cut to John Ross & Mike Santos)
John Ross Santos:
And if that didn’t make you feel better after the summer of hell in which you
suffered a mental breakdown
Mike Santos:
And the loss of your father in which everyone still sends you our deepest
sympathies and condolences, seeing you just survive a double dose of Rob
Zombie… Well… (Cut to Eric Kurtzke)
Eric Kurtzke:
Let’s not beat around the bush, James, we need to know you’re not losing touch
with reality… (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Or doing something to hurt myself? Well obviously, I’m physically fine, I’m
doing anything and everything to keep myself sane. I’m also doing my best to return
to somewhat of a status quo after everything I’ve been through. (Cut to Olivia
Horvath)
Olivia Horvath:
What about the future of you and Alex? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Unfortunately time will tell and yeah, it’s James-ese for “It’s just about
over” though, how it should or could end, I don’t know, she has Emmalina’s
essence and powers in her, though I wish I had stopped her from reading that
letter maybe things would’ve been better off if I never met her. I know Chad
would’ve been… (Cut to everyone else on the screen as they shout “STOP THINKING
CHAD IS RIGHT! HE’S AN ASSHOLE!” Cut to Olivia Horvath)
Olivia Horvath:
James, do you want to know something, outside of wanting to Wax your junk for
the Life As A Mermaid review, She’s out there and waiting. Speaking of Waiting,
when do you think we’ll be back together in the studio? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Safe bet would have to be sometime in March, possibly April. By then if nothing
else goes wrong (Knock on Wood), we’ll be back in business, full throttle! See
everyone in November, same time… (Cut to everyone on the screen.)
Everyone else (In
Unison):
Same connection. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Exactly. (James shut off the computer and it fades to black)
