(Scene begins with
James opening the door to his new studio as he enters, he has a smile on his
face.)
TLOTA:
Good morning ORAC!
ORAC (Audio only):
You’re certainly in a rather good mood.
TLOTA:
Why not, the studio warming party is in a few hours, Alex is in a good mood and
I’m going to watch and review the movie “Spice World”. (Record scratches)
ORAC (Audio only):
I now must ask the obvious, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSE OF SANITY?
TLOTA:
Long time ago ORAC! But I’m still going to watch and review the movie “Spice
World” (Cut to Team TLOTA as they pop out of the couch and other areas in the
studio and look James over and he protests the actions nicely.) STOP IT! Look,
I’m going to watch this movie and there is nothing and no ONE who will stop me
from watching (Cut to Mathew Buck as he prepares another “Projector” episode
when his cell phone rings.)
Mathew Buck:
Hello? (Cut to Mike Jeavons as he prepares another “Week On”)
Mike J:
Mathew, did you get a message from James Faraci The Last Of The Americans’ compatriots?
(Cut to Mathew Buck)
Mathew Buck:
I haven’t checked my E-Mail in a while, why did they contact You? (Cut to Mike
J)
Mike J:
Well apparently James is planning on watching and reviewing “Spice World” The
Movie. (A Record Scratches as it cuts to Mathew Buck)
Mathew Buck:
“SPICE WORLD” THE MOVIE?!? Suit up Mike, we’re going to New York! (Noble music
plays as intercut scenes of Mike J & Mathew Buck suiting up to go before
cutting to Grace Jeavons as she prepares something.)
Mike J:
Alright Grace, Mathew and I heading out to the states to stop a Reviewer in
America from watching “Spice World” the movie! Be back later, I love you, bye!
Grace Jeavons:
Don’t be gone for too long!
(Grace continues to
do her thing as it cuts to A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart
with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it
into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 then cut to
James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from
the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci landing and fully
morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans basic mode with his Long
sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and
Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting alongside the
2017 Power Rangers, 2016 Ghostbusters and warriors of Wakonda from “Avengers:
Infinity War” at the 0:13 mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman and Nick Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the
screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos peeling out in The DeLorean From
“Back To The Future” before cutting to the 0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo
& Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT from “Knight Rider” in Super
Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed
Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise from “Star Trek” (2009) and
Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the 0:28 mark from the theme
from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James stands on top of
his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic screwdriver then cuts over to
multiple clips from “The Last Of The Americans” reviews moments of 2018 as the
Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as the 0:36 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators original run plays when James grabs it
while on top of a slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda
Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and
Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his
left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from
the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the
camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the
words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his new Work
Office)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to
express are that of my own and some of yours. And believe it or not, I have
found the ultimate Nirvana experience of something so bad it’s so good that it
comes back to being bad in a good way! A little time capsule of everything
wrong and right in the late 1990’s in terms of the entertainment industry and
the world itself! (Cut to the title card of “Spice World” The Movie then cut to
clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
All I can say after sitting and watching this movie, I can honestly say this is
one of the most Nucking Futs movies I’ve ever seen and to be honest I knew going
in it was going to be a bad movie. But as since it has been released it’s
gained a cult following! Does this movie deserve that honor, or does this come
off as bland as Century old “Mrs. Dash”? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s (Banging on the door) Excuse Me. (James opens the door) What’s up? (A
Pair of hands begin to throttle James as it cuts to John Ross Santos as he
tries to knock James out as James flips him like a quarter, Mike Santos tries
to hit James with a running attack and James jumps and the door to Elevator opens
and Mike hits the elevator car with a thwack! Paulo, Brenda, Rebecca and Nick
try to bum rush him from the back by hoisting him by his pants and as James
comes to the door way James puts his feet on the Door Jamb and James pushes the
four of them down to the ground and James rolls on to his feet and heads back
to his office as Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and
Andrew Beach acting as a barricade to James’ office door. Cut to James)
TLOTA:
OY GEVALT! Why are you holding me up? Do you really think a bad movie is gonna
make me and my life any crazier than what it is? Okay Enough is enough.
DEADPOOL! (Cut to Deadpool landing on Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller, Eric
Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach)
Deadpool:
What is it this time? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I’ve got a review to do and I need you to keep them from entering and NO
KILLING! (Cut to Deadpool)
Deadpool:
You’re no fun! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Not today I am, this is “Spice World” the movie! (Cut to “Spice World” as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie opens to let the audience know who in terms is of who the Spice
Girls! There’s Geri “Ginger Spice”, Mel C “Sporty Spice”, Mel B “Scary Spice”, Victoria
“Posh Spice” and finally Emma “Baby Spice” as we see them sing the song “Too
Much” as we’re soon introduced to an unlicensed documentary filmmaker played by
Alan Cumming and his crew going behind the scenes and following them is a pair
of novice movie makers played by George Wendt and Mark McKinney who want to put
them in a movie and of course ask the pertinent question.
Graydon:
Yeah but can they act? (Cut to James Physically)
TLOTA:
Well according to the critics the descendants of Shakespeare should hold a
permanent restraining order against them! (Cut to “Spice World” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
We soon see what the girls’ daily routine is which includes Photoshoots of them
dressing up like well-known feminist icons and cosplaying like each other! (Cut
to James physically)
TLOTA:
(Raspberries) That’s nothing, check out some of the characters we dressed up as
in our last Photoshoot! (Cut to James dressed as a Certain “Critic” and mocks
his voice, look and makes him sound like a person who thinks
2+2=IFLYDACHOOCHOOTRAIN!, Eric Kurtzke dressed as a certain “Snob” and Eric
says dressed as said “Snob” how much of an asshole he is and how much he
deserves to be treated like garbage and how he and his wife deserved to be doxed
& swatted at a family member’s funeral then showing the rest of Team TLOTA
being dressed up as other BETTER Internet Personalities whooping James and Eric
to a pulp before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After that we find the five in a double decker bus that… Yeah I know what’s
coming so let ‘er rip “Doctor Who” clip! (Show clip of “Twice Upon A Time” as
Captain Archibald Hamish Lethbridge-Stewart sees the Interior of the TARDIS and
says “It’s Bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!” before cutting back
to the movie as James does a voiceover) Anyway, The five of them talk about what
it’s like for them to be famous and what their lives are like now especially
with one big ass live Pay-Per-View extravaganza to be aired all across the
galaxy, so the pressure is on them to deliver, BIG TIME! During a rehearsal
they’re greeted by an old friend Nicola who is about a few days away from
delivering a baby and as they perform we cut to an evil gossip magazine editor
who hates that the Spice Girls are getting along which means slow news sales
and this was before the Internet pretty much made the Newspapers go the way of the
Dodo, so what to do? Hire Riff Raff from the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” to
make up bad news. I’m not even joking that IS Richard O’Brien as the Paparazzo
whose only goal is to snap photos and make up more Fake News than everyone else
is making now! Did the writers have a Crystal Ball or something? Anyhow, Their
manager Clifford is a little hesitant on giving them the time necessary to be
with their friend especially when the head of the record company “The Chief”
lets Clifford know that the concert is important and that the show must go on
in no certain terms. And I DO mean The Chief played by former James Bond the
late Roger Moore tells Clifford in no certain terms that the show must go on AND,
in my opinion, Roger Moore’s dialogue is the most bizarre in the history of
cinema. (Show all the clips of Roger Moore saying his lines that make no sense
whatsoever and in one clip Clifford admits that he has no idea what the hell
“The Chief” is saying. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I sooooooo wish I could’ve met Roger Moore when he was alive and asked him what
was going on in his mind when he filmed this. (Cut to “Spice World” as James
does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
So instead of being with their friend, the Spice Girls are sent to of all
things a Concert Boot Camp! A… CONCERT…BOOT CAMP! There are days that make me
realize how BONKERS FOR BANANA BALLS my profession is! And today is one of
those days! After getting through the camp the girls spend the night and have
some interesting conversations. Of course, that wascally paparazzo takes the
photos and distorts the truth, isn’t that always the way with the bottom of the
barrel. But I digress, after a party where they meet Bob Geldof and surprisingly
Elton John, I’ve got nothing. The Spice Girls have another practice concert
and after the concert we’ve got… (Show clip of Aliens landing and the Spice
Girls interacting, getting autographs and being photographed, cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
Aliens! We have Aliens making first contact, and they want photographs and
autographs of the Spice Girls! I’m going to take a break! (Show James try to
open his door when he sees the door is locked) Uh, what’s going on? (Cut to
Team TLOTA)
Paulo Fonseca:
Trust us James we don’t want to do this but it’s for your own good! (Cut to
James)
TLOTA:
Locking me in with the movie and the means to review it? (Cut to Team TLOTA)
Rebecca Yaun:
Well it’s only until the help we asked to stop you from reviewing it. (Cut to
James)
TLOTA:
What help? (Show Mathew Buck and Mike J stuck in the airport as the two trade
barbs at each other before fading to black then fade into the 0:36-end mark
from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play
the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last
Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro as it cuts to James
in his living room)
James Faraci:
Hey everyone, again coming up with an update on the GoFundMe and my brother.
He’s improving but slowly and the family still needs the money from the
GoFundMe to help with the day to day living expenditures and it is not getting
easier or better. When there is a charity event, I will talk about it, but for
now the GoFundMe is the only support to the family that can help ease things.
Click on the link below and do what you know what you must do and thanks once
again.
(James fades to black
before fading to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top
of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fade
cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As the Spice Girls are going through what they’re going through, Clifford must
deal with our filmmakers with ideas that’d make what Jonah and The Bots are
dealing with look like small potatoes! (Show clip of the Movie Makers as they
tell their ideas to Clifford then cut to James as he answers a phone)
TLOTA:
Hello! (Ten seconds of silence) No, They’re not real movies. (Five seconds of silence)
No Kinga, They’re not real movie ideas! (Five seconds of silence) Kinga, I gave
you a list of ten movies for the next season a couple of years ago. (Five
seconds of silence) Yes, Kinga, just as you had ensnared Jonah, I made the
list. Look in the sidebar, under 2016, September, right there, there you go!
Goodbye!
(Cut to “Spice World” as James does a
voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Clifford tries to hold onto the few threads of sanity he has left, the Spice
Girls try to do a “Make A Wish” type of event with a fan on a boat. It quickly
becomes the Titanic and I don’t mean the movie, I mean the actual Titanic and
not helping is the Paparazzo. After a meltdown just hours away from the
concert, the Spice Girls walk away. Clifford handles it well. (Show Clifford
screaming matching the intensity of the lights behind him before cutting to
James physically)
TLOTA:
As well as anyone that stressed out, I mean I’d react differently. At least I
hope I would. (The doorbell rings as it cuts to the front door to the studio as
Mathew Buck and Mike J enter. Cut to Team TLOTA)
John Ross Santos:
Okay, James is in there you know what to do, Right? (Cut to Mathew Buck and
Mike J)
Mathew Buck:
You’re damned right!
Mike J:
Let’s do it! (Cut to Mathew Buck and Mike J on the Horseshoe couch drinking tea
with Team TLOTA sighing and or shaking their heads in disbelief behind them!)
John Ross Santos:
You two do realize James is in his office rotting his mind on “Spice World” The
Movie, right?
Mike J:
It’d been a long flight and we missed our tea!
Mathew Buck:
How true, it helps us with… Ooh! Doctor Who! And it’s A Matt Smith/Jenna
Coleman episode!
Mike J:
Excellent! (John Ross Santos roars in anger as it cuts to “Spice World” as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
That night, the Spice Girls have the same fantasy about what would happen to
them once they had to meet head to head with failure. (Show clip of the Spice
Girls in Pop Culture Court. When the Judge tells the bailiff to call for
“Hootie & The Blowfish” and the gavel bangs the footage shakes as it cuts
to James being shaken around then cut to the rest of Team TLOTA, Mathew Buck
and Mike J as they shake)
Brenda Fonseca:
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?! (Everyone
runs to the first window that opens)
Mike J:
OI! The movie just went off the track and taken us around the bend! (Show The
cover of the DVD of “Spice World” as it carries a cut out of the outside of the
studio as it recreates the Train going off the tracks in the Marx Brothers
Classic “Go West” as it cuts to everyone else reacting)
Nick Yaun:
WOW! It’s like one of those rides at a carnival!
(Show the Cover of
the DVD of “Spice World” as it smashes through a house and the Studio catches
it taking it off it’s foundation as the guy on the roof still works on the
roof. Cut to Mike J as he looks at the guy)
Mike J:
Why don’t you come on in, there’s a lovely fire in the living room! (Cut to
“Spice World” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
The Spice Girls go back to the bar they were discovered at and realize they’ve
been bad friends to Nicola. So, what to do? Go to a club with their friend to
apologize for not being there for her! But during their performance of “Who Do
You Think You Are?” Nicola goes into labor. They make it to the hospital and
stay there just long enough to see Nicola give birth to a daughter. However, a
doctor whose disguise quickly comes off as the Paparazzo that’s been hunting
the Girls come head to head. (Show clip
of The Spice Girls running after the Paparazzo who suddenly has a face turn and
James screams “WAIT A MINUTE?!” as a record scratches and it cuts to James physically)
TLOTA:
Why such a heel to face turn as quick as The Big Show’s latest one? Why after
hunting them all this time did, he turn on his bosses? Why didn’t the Spice
Girls not buy what he was selling and eviscerate the bastard? I mean it
would’ve been the one killing that would’ve made every Paparazzi realize
they’re scum and need to quit? I think this would’ve worked. Here’s how I
would’ve filmed it! (Cut to Mike J, Mathew Buck, Paulo Fonseca and Ed Champion
dressed as Paparazzi as multiple thwacks, body crushing blows, a ton of Screams
coming out of one guy before a Splat is heard and The Spice Girls performed by
Rebecca Yaun, Brenda Fonseca, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Julia Alexa
Miller walk out of the elevator as the Paparazzi look and sees the off-screen
destruction, proceed to toss their cameras in the garbage and toss their
collective cookies and cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After that, with their Bus Driver Missing in Action, Victoria decides to take
the wheel and CUE THE MUSIC! (Show footage of The Spice Girls trying to get to
the concert hall as “I Can’t Turn You Loose” from “The Blues Brothers”
soundtrack plays in time with the scenes and as the bus parks the music ends)
The Spice Girls are momentarily held back and Clifford comes up with a plan B,
to kill himself on stage in front of a world wide audience. Thankfully that
never comes to pass as the Girls get their A-Game faces on, the concert is a
success and the movie ends with the filmmakers making their Spice Girls Movie
and The Girls breaking the fourth wall! (A huge off-screen explosion happens as
it cuts to Team TLOTA)
John Ross Santos:
Alright, did you enjoy your Tea?
Mike J (Off Screen):
Yes!
Mike Santos:
Did you like the “Doctor Who” episodes?
Mathew Buck (Off
Screen):
Yes!
Ed Champion:
Watched the Soccer game?
The other members of
Team TLOTA, Mike J & Mathew Buck (In Unison):
FOOTBALL!
Ed Champion:
Fine, The Football game!
Mathew Buck &
Mike J (In Unison, Off screen):
Yes!
Andrew Beach:
Did you do EVERY SINGLE LAST BRITISH THING YOU WANTED TO?
Mathew Buck &
Mike J (In Unison, Off screen):
Yes!
John Ross Santos:
Okay, James, we’re letting you out now! (James opens the door.)
TLOTA:
About time! Hey Mike, Mathew! Glad you could make it! (James brotherly hugs
Mike J and Mathew. Cut to a very heavily confused Team TLOTA and John Ross
Santos shaking and sputtering)
John Ross Santos
(Very Angry):
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, JAMES! (Cut to James, Mike J & Mathew Buck)
Mathew Buck:
James let us know he was reviewing this movie weeks in advanced!
Mike J:
I’m just surprised you found something to like in it!
TLOTA:
Who said I did? (Cut to clips of “Spice World” as the song “Spice Up Your Life”
by The Spice Girls plays as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie is a turkey, no questions about it. The writing is bad, the acting
is so over the top it is on the levels of Camp no one could match, It feels
like this whole movie musically is just a reason to buy the first two albums
again, Everything is just WRONG on levels not even known to man. Yet, somehow
it works in the movie’s favor. Knowing you’re going into a bad movie may make
it just bearable enough to find something good about it and I did. It’s never
going to be Shakespeare, it’s a bad movie that’s so good it boomerangs back
into bad territory, in a good way. If I were an adult with kids, I’d watch it
with them with discretion but if I were a fan of cinema, I would be careful
while watching because this Spice after all these years can bite you in places
you can’t mention aloud! (Cut to everyone as John Ross Santos has the look of
wanting to scream)
John Ross Santos:
Excuse me! (John walks into James’ office as John screams and a loud shattering
sound is heard and everyone reacts with an inquisitive look on their faces. Cut
to John as he has a look on his face that says, “I’m killing people, get out of
my way!”) WHY CAN’T I BREAK YOUR DESK?! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Yeah, I got a never break table, lasts a long time and takes a lot of abuse and
can never break! Guys calm him down!
(Cut to everyone else as they say “Alright” and walk off. Cut to James,
Mike J & Mathew Buck)
Mike J:
So, what else did you have planned for us? (Cut to James as he has a smile on
his face as it cuts to James, Mike J and Mathew Buck watching James’ Nieces
play soccer and win it with seconds left on the clock and everyone cheers!) Now
this is Football!
Mathew Buck:
They’re serving Chicken Tikka Masala for like Ten American Dollars a plate
here!
TLOTA:
That’s why I like it here, High Quality Cuisine and sports that everyone likes!
But I do have a question for you guys! What happened to the flaming bus
wreckage from “Spice World”? (Mike J and Mathew Buck have a look as if to say,
“Even we don’t know”. Cut to an Internet Troll played by Cody Slusher)
The Internet Troll:
And how freaking dare anyone bring up legitimate criticism about Doug Walker!
That man is a saint and should be treated as such! You guys are salty because
he's popular despite Change The Channel! All you are...(A Whistling sound is
heard as The Internet Troll looks around) What's that noise?
(Cut to The Internet
Troll as looks outside to see a huge pile of flaming Bus Debris comes his way)
The Internet Troll:
OH NO! IT’S FLAMING BUS DEBRIS! SAVE ME CHANNEL AWESOME! (A “Ting” noise is
heard as a tweet from “Channel Awesome” is sent to The Internet Troll saying
“You’re on your own and We’re sorry you feel that way”) OH NUT…(Cut to black as
a loud explosion is heard)
