(Scene starts as
James straps on snowboarding gear and snowboarding down a mountain before
cutting to John Santos, Mike Santos, Eric Kurtzke as they do curling Paulo
Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion as they hit the ice in Team
USA Hockey gear before seeing Renee Miller and Rebecca Yaun in a two-person
Bobsled careening through the course before seeing Olivia Horvath and Brenda
Fonseca team up in pair of choreographed ice skating as they do a matching
flying triple salchow and land next to everyone on top of the Olympic Podium as
they all raise their Gold Medals before the raising of the American flag is
seen and as the flag waves the words “Live To Win-Ter” is seen as 2:20-3:09 of
“Live To Win” by Paul Stanley plays in the foreground before cutting to James
in his office.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express
are that of my own and some of yours. With the Winter Olympics around the bend
I figured it’d be a good thing to toss my hand into the Olympic Arena and talk
about some Olympic Sports movies. (Cut to clips of different Olympic Sports
Movies as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
You know those movies with the tales of either Underdogs facing insurmountable
odds or the champions trying to regain one last glimpse of glory at the
grandest sports event of the Winter every four years which is half way through
the Presidential term so for those fearing how much longer Trump will be in
office just another two years everyone! But I digress, For the next three
months I will be talking about some stories featuring characters winning or
coming close to winning the Gold and most of these movies though based on real
life events that happened at the Winter Olympics will be judged as movies NOT
as how the stories went in real life. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And one of those stories happened just at a point where Patriotism was at an
all time low and our Country had been hurt and we were on the verge of nuclear
war. Hmm, not much has changed in the nearly forty years since that has
happened. Wow. Forty years. Time flies. (Cut to images of newspapers and
stories and images of the 1979-1980 point in time leading to the “Miracle On
Ice” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
By 1979 President Carter had made the statement of our country being in a state
of Malaise. Even worse was the fact that the American Embassy in Iran had been
taken over and all those insides were held hostage. While Cinemas were showing
movies that were showing things getting better. The reality was far grimmer
with The Cold War getting about as bad as it could get without nuclear weapons
getting involved. Even in our Olympic sports we were looked upon as jokes. We
couldn’t strike gold if we were in Fort Knox! That is until a member of the
last team to win Gold for the United States in Hockey who was cut became the
coach for the 1980 Winter Olympic Hockey Team. That man was Herb Brooks and
instead going with name players from established teams. Brooks decided to use
fresh faced College kids. Through rigorous training and dedication and some
great wins and humiliating losses before the 1980 Winter Olympics opening
February 14th, 1980. Team USA led by Coach Brooks made the Miracle
on Ice happen February 22nd, 1980 one of the most Iconic moments in
the history of the Olympics and a sign that things were going to be better in
the 1980s. Making people believe in Miracles again and giving people a glimmer
of hope in the process. While we did come up third in total Medal count the
story behind the Miracle on Ice remains one of the most interesting ones to
this day. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Perfect fare for a Disney Sports movie! (Cut to title card of “Miracle” before
cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover while “Dream On” by
Aerosmith plays in the foreground)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
And unlike another movie bio, this had two things going for it. The First one being Herb Brooks being the
creative consultant and secondly EFFORT in making it the most honest and true
to real life events. But will it recapture the Miracle, or will it be yet
another New York Jets Season. (Cut to
James Physically)
TLOTA:
Let’s start our Olympic Winter Festival
with “Miracle” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As the credits roll we’re given very brief glimpses of the political and social
issues that somehow have become more pertinent now than when the moments
happened. We’re soon introduced to Herb Brooks played by one of the most
awesomest men ever to walk the earth Kurt Russell as Herb is coaching at the
University Of Minnesota when the call for a coach for Team USA in the 1980’s
Winter Olympics in Lake Placid New York. Herb is a little reluctant given the
fact he was cut a week before the 1960’s Olympic team were to play and in all
honesty, I don’t blame Herb for having the taste of Sour Grapes in his mouth.
(Cut to James physically as everyone else off screen says “STOP!” before
cutting to James meeting up with the others in the lobby)
TLOTA:
What do you guys mean by “STOP!”? (Cut to everyone else)
Paulo Fonseca:
We know where this is heading.
Brenda Fonseca:
The same spiel about Hollywood.
John Ross Santos:
And how they’re the enemy
Mike Santos:
And how they’ll never change because guys like you and The Nostalgia Critic,
The Cinema Snob, Alex DeCourville, Antoni Mattei Garcia, Rowdy, Linkara, Viga, everyone
with a Keyboard or a camera and an opinion that opposes Hollywood’s ways of
doing things are the enemy and how Hollywood isn’t gonna be happy until
Internet Reviewers are wiped off the map.
Olivia Horvath:
So much so we’ve compilated every single rant that is anti-Hollywood and we
have decided to compile a lost of your top five complaints about Hollywood.
(Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Right here? Right now? (Cut to everyone else)
Team TLOTA (In
Unison):
Why not? (Cut to a very upset James as he is in Boxing gear and facing off with
a Star as Hollywood Premiere music plays in the background before the words “Top
5 The Last Of The Americans Anti-Hollywood Rants” before cutting to everyone in
Team TLOTA.)
Paulo Fonseca:
Number Five: You and Hollywood are Politically incompatible
Brenda Fonseca:
We’re all aware that you are a Conservative Republican and in Hollywood terms
you might as well be wearing a Swastika and carrying a copy of Mein Kampf.
While there are a few Republicans in the entertainment industry they’re
relegated to being made into jokes. Considering that a lot of your values come
from here in Sullivan County New York it’s no surprise you don’t see eye to eye
with Hollywood.
John Santos:
Number Four: Hollywood is age intolerant
Mike Santos:
You are nearly 40. People rarely as old as you get a break for someone around
your nieces ages they would get a break easier and as you get older the odds
mount against you so much a snowball in hell have a better chance. Let’s face
it Hollywood would soon have you play grandparent roles than leading man or
even second banana characters. If you were to have gone to Hollywood in your
early teens, you would’ve stood a modicum of a chance. Now not so much.
Rebecca Yaun:
Number Three: Hollywood has NO concept of the real world
Nick Yaun:
According to you Hollywood is so far up its own ass it couldn’t see daylight if
they found a way to find it on a GPS. Also, according to you they don’t see
anything outside of itself. I can honestly say we’ve seen enough of that not
only from your perspective but from all the news outlets siding with Hollywood
in wanting not only Donald Trump Impeached but also all of us bowing before
either terrorist from the Middle East or North Korea. Seeing men like you being
made to be left saying “DUH!” sans any way of defending yourself and being led
to slaughter like Cattle! If Hollywood were running the country, we’d never see
what evil is out there.
Eric Kurtzke:
Number Two: Hollywood is a big city
Renee Miller:
You prefer being lost in the woods with your hunting rifle or a fishing rod
than being a big city. You would be SO uncomfortable. You’d go crazy from being
stuck in a city with a few hundred million people so quickly even your ancestors’
spirits’ heads would spin so FREAKING FAST they’d have no idea what happened.
Olivia Horvath:
And your Number One Anti-Hollywood Rant is…
Everyone except James
(In Unison):
YOU’RE AN INTERNET REVIEWER AND HOLLYWOOD HATES THE INTERNET!
Ed Champion:
Hollywood Hates the internet unless Hollywood can milk the cash out of them
quickly then send them back into the ether of the obscurity just as quickly. Poor
Lucas Cruikshank became such a pop culture phenomenon with “Fred Figglehorn”
Nickelodeon got three movies and a series from Lucas until they tried to put
him in their network series sans any creative control like they did when they
gave Fred and more of their tired old garbage of their current live action
series.
Andrew Beach:
And of course Hollywood isn’t gonna be happy until every single Internet
Reviewer like yourself, The Nostalgia Critic, Linkara, Alex DeCourville, Huey
Toonmore, Rowdy, The Hardcore Kid, Antoni Matei Garcia and every single one of
you guys are taken off YouTube for critics who Hollywood bought so even their
worst movie is the best movie they ever saw. Disney bought Blip just to kill it
off and since then every one of you have been limping on hoping to God
something as good as Blip was comes to save the Internet Reviewer community. I
mean now we have an Internet Creators Guild but that won’t stop Hollywood to
try to use as much Political Muscle they can use to force everyone off. But until
Hollywood sees that you are not the enemy. You are going to attack Hollywood
for attacking your fellow internet reviewing friends and until Hollywood is
forced to see the Real World, Accept Conservative Republicans in their 30’s,
not be as big they are and somehow not see the Internet Reviewers and
entertainers as evil we get it!
Everyone except James
(In Unison):
As far as you’re concerned if Hollywood was wiped off the map. The world would
be a better place! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Okay, can I get back to the review? (Cut to everyone else)
Olivia Horvath:
Yeah
Andrew Beach:
Sure
Ed Champion:
Go right ahead. It’s just being around you we kind of knew what you were
thinking. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
That’s scary. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Herb tells the Olympic Committee what he intends to do with the team for the
United States when the Olympics come to Lake Placid and the Committee is
impressed enough to give the Herb the job to coach the United Stated Olympic
Hockey Team. Quickly getting his assistant coach and his team together but it’s
not all sunshine and roses for the team as Coach Brooks tells the team his
honest opinions and introduces an exercise known as “Herbies” until they
dropped. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Now I know what many of you are thinking. Wasn’t that too much. Well me and my
team do a team building exercise like that. (Cut to James and his team making
strides from James’ home’s back porch to the far end of the Neversink Reservoir
as everyone huffs and puffs James says “Just keep moving. We’ll be back soon
enough and remember Pain is just God’s way of telling you to try harder” before
cutting to 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American
Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the
slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial
break intro and return to the review as it cuts to the movie as James does a
voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
After noticing his team was distracted during an exhibition game in Norway
which ended in a tie. Herb made the team get back on the ice doing the
“Herbies” until Mike Eruzione tells Coach Brooks that he and the team play for
one place. (Show Mike Eruzione saying his name and that he plays for the United
States before cutting to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Well that’s one way to say to your coach we’re ready to unite and open a can of
Whoop-Ass. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While the movie omits the moment that had the US Team winning against the Russian
second string in a championship game. It does show the team getting their
backsides handed to them at Madison Square Garden by the Soviets as the Soviets
won 10 to 3 and I’m willing to bet I know how the crowd handled the loss. (Cut
to a bar as the patrons played by everyone on Team TLOTA are cheering the
Downfall of the American dream as the character played by James starts drinking
a bottle of Whiskey and falls as everyone else laughs before cutting to the
movie as James continues his voiceover.)
But the time has come
for the 1980 Olympics and as the US Team struggle against Sweden, but they tie
and then go through Czechoslovakia, Norway, Romania and West Germany to make it
to the Medal Round. Still feeling the hurting from the MSG manslaughter, they
took that and turned it into inspiration as with split seconds left in the
first period for the team Mark Johnson rebounds a shot from Soviet Goalie
Vladislav Tretiak. After the first round
Tretiak is benched for Vladimir Myshkin as he takes them on ending the second
period in a 3-2 lead in favor of the Soviets. Then came the mythic third and
final period as Mark Johnson ties it up as a penalty that gave the US Team a
man advantage. Later Mike Eruzione whose name means “Eruption” in English
caused one with the game winning score, and then… (Show ending of the game
through the movie as Al Michaels shouts “DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YEAH!” as
0:13-1:56 from “The Final Bell” in the Rocky Soundtrack plays as we see
everyone getting excited and cheering before cutting to the movie as James
continues his voiceover)
And as Team USA wins
against Finland to seal the Miracle on Ice. The movie ends as Coach Herb Brooks
waxes philosophic on what happened and a dedication to Herb Brooks who died
after Principal Photography ended. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “Miracle” and guess what, made me believe in Miracles again! (Cut
to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover while “Dream On” by Aerosmith
plays in the foreground)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
While it does take liberties, it doesn’t water down what truly happened for the
most part and it could’ve easily done that. The acting is amazing especially
from the one and only awesome Kurt Russell. Give it a watch for a trip down
Memory Lane for those who were there, and you remember the good points as well
as the bad I hope it helped you and if you have kids or grandkids, it’s a good
motivation to get them to believe in Miracles again. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
But our Olympian Movie Marathon has just begun I’m… (A knock on the door is
heard as James looks around before looking down and seeing a folded-up message
which James reads and sees the words “YOU WILL BE… DELETED!” before cutting to
James going back into his office)
