(Commercial Sting with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then a rubber stamp stamps over the entire thing the word Editorial)
ORAC: Disclaimer: The Following was pre-written prior to the current events involving James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.
TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. By the time this gets posted it'll be February and as such I'll have to deal with the WORST holiday on the planet "Valentine's Day" & as a guy I can say there are no words in the English language or any real or fictional language to express the disdain towards this Holiday I have! What's worst is that they dump every bad Romantic Comedy movie they can in the first fourteen days of February and the male population suffer for it. But believe it or not, there was a time when believe it or not men & women enjoyed the romantic comedy I think it's because men could get a laugh at how dumb the romantic aspect was in the film and the women could enjoy looking at those guys they wish they could have instead of being stuck with guys like myself or my friends at Rowdyc.com. But with all that said the question I ask is "Should the Romantic Comedy Genre die?" . For me, I'm not sure because quite honestly, I think it needs a reboot. Maybe the genre needs more movies like "Clerks" or "Chasing Amy" movies that have REAL average looking guys get the girls. As a matter of fact Carlos Mencia has said in his stand up that the average looking guy that befriends the good looking girl does have feelings she should have some consideration for HIS feelings maybe try to see if that fella who is the friend have romantic feelings towards her and see if he wants a shot at her and if it works allow the natural growth of those romantic feelings make it feel realistic. But the more I think of this, the more I think maybe there should be more Romantic Comedies from the man's point of view, not the woman's. We've seen that done to death. As a matter of fact the biggest criticism I have towards the movie "Valentine's Day" it's written from a female's perspective about a male's perspective on Valentine's day and particularly from someone who's perspective on the Genre hasn't changed in fifty years. When in reality, most men would rather be neutered by Lorena Bobbit than watch the sappy and stupid Romantic Comedy. That's also what needs to be injected into the Genre, Real World Common Logical Sense. If a guy falls for a girl and doesn't have the cojones fight for her or express his true feelings for her, then he deserves his lifetime in purgatory crying "Why does nothing good come my way?" and the female SHOULD give the guy who has been busting his ass, walking barefoot through all nine levels of Dante's Inferno just to get to her give the guy a break. With that said, will we see this in the genre? Probably not but until then consider the Romantic comedy barely alive on life support. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to deal with my problems the only way I know how, get plastered on Martinelli's non alcoholic Apple Cider at a party and wake up hoping not having to deal with Valentine's day. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans & That's My Opinion.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Another "Spider" Bite
Hey guys James here, The following was pre-written before the death of Justin Carmical otherwise known as "JewWario". There's no easy way of saying this outside of it was tragic and My condolences go to his family, his friends & loved ones. I never knew him personally but his infectious love of this occupation helped inspire me. He was the funniest one in "Kickassia", "Suburban Knights" & "To Boldly Flee". Having said all of that, the remainder of reviews and editorials of this year I dedicate to the memory of Justin "JewWario" Carmical. (Fade out and ORAC is heard audibly)
ORAC (Audio only):Previously on James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.
Rowdy: Well it
looks like you’re on your way back. (Rowdy’s phone goes off) One second. Hello
(Muted horn play representing other person talking like in a “Peanuts”
Special.) Dang it, I got to go, all the pre-recorded episodes I did when I
heard about what happened to you are all posted and I got to get back to do my
reviews down where I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas.
Good luck and Stay Rowdy My Friend. (Rowdy pops out as James & Lea sit
there in surprise)
Lea Michele:
Wow, how did he do that?
TLOTA: He has a
genie. How did I know that? (Lea Michele grabs Tri-corder, scans James)
Lea Michele
ORAC, what’s the latest findings?
ORAC: According
to the scanner some of his memories are beginning to return and his brain is
integrating the data from the returning memories to what he’s been though for
the past six years. He must watch the next movie in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man
movie series to continue the progress.
TLOTA: So what
am I waiting for? (James walks over to Spider-Man 2 & grabs it and it hurts
him even worse than grabbing the first Spider-Man and he drops it only for Lea
Michele to grab it and see the cover.)
ORAC(Audio): And now the continuation.
(Music from the
last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of
James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad
cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White
House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President
Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone
and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his
side)
TLOTA: So the
last one hurt me a little but this one hurt me more. I wonder why?
Lea Michele:
Maybe this is why. (Lea Michele shows James the quote The Late Roger Ebert said
“The Best Superhero movie I’ve ever seen.”)
TLOTA: “THE best
Superhero movie I’ve ever seen” Roger Ebert said that. Roger Ebert one of the
greatest cinematic critics whose favorite movie was “Citizen Kane” while he was
alive said that THIS was the best Superhero move he’d ever seen?! (Show clips of “Spider-Man 2” with James doing
a voice over) This was the first movie I ever saw that made me growl in anger
and the stupid that I thought would’ve been corrected from the last film is
intensified in this one. The plot is about a few steps away from bad as bad can
get and even I can see that this movie will hurt & I’ve got Swiss cheese
memory. (Show James & Lea in James’ room) So let’s get through “Spider-Man
2”.
TLOTA (voice
over the video): So as the movie begins we see Mary Jane has become the face of
a perfume and is an actress on Broadway meanwhile Peter has got a job
delivering Pizzas for supplemental income. Well wait a minute, wasn’t he living
with Harry at the end of the last movie or did Harry throw Peter out by the end
of the last movie no answers but there’s a reason why but that’s for later as
Peter’s Pizza delivery job lasts about as long as a Chinese Buffet’s chance of
staying in business once I get into line, which is about five minutes, so
thanks pointless plot point! Meanwhile Peter Parker refuses to hand J. Jonah
Jameson any more photos of Spider-Man because Jameson is making Spider-Man look
like Osama Bin Laden! But eventually he relents for one photo to be used also
Jameson apparently hires & fires Peter in almost every scene Jameson &
Peter are in (Show clips of J. Jonah Jameson saying to Peter Parker “You’re
Fired & You’re hired.” Repeatedly before cutting to James & Lea) KNOCK
IT OFF, H. Ross Perot flip flopped less than you when he was running for
president about running for president, TWICE! (Cut back to voice over video) In
fact Peter has more problems with staying on a schedule especially with a paper
that Peter needs to write on Dr. Otto Octavius played by Alfred Molina which by
coincidence Harry who is running Oscorp now and is funding a project with Dr.
Octavius and can help Peter with his paper. But Aunt May is having financial
problems as well and with Uncle Ben being dead for two years thanks for filling
us in that two years has passed and Mary Jane is in a stable relationship and
Peter’s landlord Mr. Dikovitch seems to want one thing from Peter. (Show every
clip of Mr. Dikovitch saying “Rent” to Peter) Meanwhile Peter and Otto Octavius
meet as Peter sees the experiment he’s working on with Fusion sustainability.
But Peter is nervous that it might not gonna work, but to calm him, Dr.
Octavius invites Peter to the experiment for the next day. But the night before
Peter tries but fails to make it due to a crime in process to see Mary Jane’s
show and is turned away by Bruce Campbell. (Show clip of Bruce Campbell turning
Peter Parker away)Thanks Bruce, you were used so well in this. Meanwhile Peter
finally sees Mary Jane with her boyfriend John Jameson. That’s right Mary Jane
is dating Peter’s boss’s son. Hoping to numb himself he decides to web sling
until his powers begin to wane and takes an elevator with Hal Sparks (Show clip
of Spider-Man & Hal Sparks in the elevator and stays there for far too long
until scene cuts to James & Lea and James becomes angry) MAKE A POINT! (Cut
back to voice over video clips.) Well there’s no point in trying to make a
scene make a point we’ve got an experiment to see as Dr. Octavius and his
mechanical harness prepare Dr. Octavius’s fusion experiment with a small amount
of Tritium to kick start the project. But the project goes south quickly as the
electromagnetism takes a spike in power. (Show clips of metallic objects going
into the fusion experiment cutting to James and Lea seeing their metallic
devices are going to the fusion experiment then back to audio over video clips)
but the spike also bends the metal in the frame killing Otto’s wife Rosie and
fusing the harness to Otto Octavius ruining the experiment and ending the
future of Oscorp. Harry takes the setback in stride.
Harry Osborn:
I’m ruined! I have nothing left except Spider-Man. He humiliated me by touching
me! (Scene cuts to James & Lea)
Lea Michele: Well
I don’t know about you but you look like you need a break.
TLOTA: No
disagreement here but if there are more scenes that make no point, I might go
Nuclear!
(Commercial
Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final
season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The
Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the
review.)
(Show video with
James doing voice over)
TLOTA (Voice
over the video clips): So while the experiment may have been a dud Otto’s
harness fusing to him brings to life the one and only Dr. Octopus.
Dr. Octopus: NO!
TLOTA (Voice
over the video clips): Adding to his misery that he has four more limbs, his
wife who had little to do except die in order to send Dr. Octopus over to the
looney side, and with everything making little to no ounce of a point in this
thing, I might be joining him, his new mechanical limbs tell him to rebuild. But
as Peter & Aunt May are turned down for a refinance to pay off the Parker
house by Joel McHale of “The Soup”. Meanwhile Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus
battle for the first time Doctor Octopus kidnaps Aunt May and I will admit this
battle was well done and Aunt May with Spider-Man defeats Doctor Octopus but he
gets away with the cash, so it’s a mixed bag of an ending to their first
confrontation. Meanwhile, Peter is given a job taking Photos of a high society
party where, get ready, Mary Jane and John Jameson announce their engagement! (Show
photo of Peter looking down in the dumps and a nuclear explosion in the
background is shown.) If that wasn’t enough of a karmic bitch slap for Peter
his powers finally give out and after going out with Ben as his moral core
saying he should continue on as his powers finally go on him he decides to call
it quits as Spider-Man. (Show clip of Peter Parker now powerless making more of
an effort to be Peter Parker while “Raindrops keep falling on my head” by B.J.
Thomas plays) So when the news Spider-Man calls it quits J. Jonah Jameson
celebrates like it’s 1999 again but Peter finally makes it to see Mary Jane in
the play but it doesn’t matter Mary Jane hammers in that she & John are
getting married and that’s it and to really make the fan boys who wanted to see
Mary Jane & Peter hook up growl like bulldogs Mary Jane & John reenact
the infamous kiss from the first movie! But enough about that Peter tells Aunt
May about what happened two years ago.
Peter Parker:
Aunt May, you don’t have to punish yourself. I’m responsible. For what happened
to Uncle Ben. He drove me to the Library, but I never went in. I went someplace
else. Someplace where I thought I could win some money to buy a car, because I
wanted to impress Mary Jane. It happened so fast. I won the money and the guy
wouldn’t pay me, then he got robbed. The thief was running towards me. I
could’ve stopped him but I wanted revenge. I let him go. I let him get away. He
wanted a car. He tried to take Uncle Ben’s. Uncle Ben said no and then he shot
him. Uncle Ben was killed that night for being the only one who did the right
thing. And I… I held his hand when he died.
TLOTA (Voice
over the video clips): Aunt May handles that revelation rather well. (Show clip
of Aunt May walking away from Peter.) Eventually she forgives her nephew for
being responsible for playing a part in her husband’s murder decides to sell
the house and we get THE lamest comedic moment in this movie. (Show clip of
Peter Parker taking a leap off a building.)
Peter Parker:
I’m Back! I’M BACK! (Hollers in excitement until he falls then grabs clothesline
and lands on car.) My back, my back!
TLOTA (Voice
over the video clips): Meanwhile Dr. Octopus has been rebuilding his fusion
machine and needs the tritium from Harry. Harry will give Dr. Octopus the
Tritium if Dr. Octopus hands Spider-Man over to Harry to finish him off. But as Peter and Mary Jane have a conversation
whether or not she’s doing the right thing by marrying John Jameson, I’ll give
you one guess who literally crashes the conversation. (Show clip of a car crashing into the café as
Peter’s Spider sense returns and Peter moves Mary Jane out of the way.)
Dr. Octopus:
Peter Parker. I want you to find your friend Spider-Man. Tell him to meet me at
the Westside Tower at 3:00. Find him or I’ll peel the flesh off her bones.
TLOTA (Voice
over the video clips): Within that moment Peter’s powers return, secretly grabs
his Spider-Man costume from Jameson’s office and no it’s not explained how he
snuck in, grabbed the suit and left the note quickly but who cares Spider-Man’s
back and refreshed to battle Doc Ock one more time(Show clips of second battle
between Dr. Octopus & Spider-Man). The fight eventually leads them to an El
Car subway which I think doesn’t exist in New York City which is where
Spider-Man and the majority of Marvel’s superheroes reside in which Doc Ock
causes damage to people on that car, boosts the speed and destroys the braking
system. However Spider-Man eventually finds a way to save them even if the look
on his face is one of extreme constipation and Doc Ock grabs Spidey to hand
over to Harry after knocking the wall crawler out, though having been extremely
worn out from stopping the train. Before Harry can axe Spider-Man, he finds out
Peter is Spider-Man. Harry tells Peter about what Doc Ock is up to. Peter tells
Harry that Doc Ock has Mary Jane but Peter tells him to hold off the vendetta
to save Mary Jane who wants to get out of there but Doc Ock puts logic into the
picture.
Dr. Octopus: I
can’t let you go, you’d bring the police. Not that anyone could stop me now
that Spider-Man is dead.
Mary Jane: He’s
not dead. I don’t believe you.
Dr. Octopus:
Believe it.
TLOTA (Voice
over the video clips): As Doc Ock reactivates the machine Spider-Man comes in
to stop him one more time as the fusion reaction goes even more haywire and
becomes self-sustaining Spidey decides to unmask himself and try to reason with
him scientific mind to scientific mind after finally getting through Doc Ock’s
thick skull Dr. Octopus sacrifices himself to destroy the fusion experiment
just as Mary Jane discovers that Spider-Man and Peter Parker are one and the
same. Quickly getting out of harm’s way Peter tells Mary Jane to have a
fantastic life with John and he’ll be there for her and goes off into the
night. Meanwhile Harry is haunted by the spirit of the Green Goblin posing as
Norman Osborn and Harry discovers the formula of the Goblin as well as the
glider, suit and weapons. But enough setting up a character arc for the third
movie, Mary Jane & John Jameson get married have a fantastic life together
and Spider-Man will forever remain alone. (Show clip of Mary Jane going away
from the church and Peter sitting in his apartment lamenting over the one he
thinks he lost forever when Mary Jane stands in the doorway.)
Mary Jane: Had
to do what I had to do. (Scene cuts to James starting to get angry and Lea
Michele grabbing a military helmet then cut back to Mary Jane) Peter, I can’t
survive without you. (Scene cuts to James getting really mad and Lea Michele
trying to find a place to hide when James blows up like a nuclear bomb then
cuts back to Mary Jane) I know you think we can’t be together. But can’t you
respect me enough to make my own decision? I know there’ll be risks. But I want
to face them with you. (Scene cuts to James as steam comes out of his ears and
other openings as Lea Michele finds a hiding spot in the closet with ORAC then
cut back to Mary Jane.) It’s wrong that
we should only be half-alive, half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am
standing in your doorway. I’ve always been standing in your doorway. Isn’t it
about time someone saved your life? (Scene cuts to James shaking in rage, ready
to nuke the whole of Northern America off the map before cutting back to Mary
Jane & Peter.) Well say something.
Peter Parker:
Thank you Mary Jane Watson. (Show scene of the two kissing as emergency sirens
blare and Peter wonders what to do.)
Mary Jane: Go get them, Tiger. (Show ending then cut to
James sitting in his room apparently calmed down)
TLOTA: So, Mary
Jane Watson disregarded Peter’s wishes, decides to put her life on the line by
hooking up with Peter and everyone is okay with that. (James smiles for a few
seconds before quickly getting angry and slams the table, shouts “BULLSHIT!” in
deep low booming roar as it cuts to stock video of a house being blown up then
a nuclear explosion wiping out most of small town USA then a clip of Back To
The Future Part III when the train pushing the Delorean up to speed even
getting the clip of Clara flying and doing a Daffy Duck style Hoo-hoo! Then cut
back to James lying back in his chair, Lea stepping out of the hole with ORAC
and the two look outside of James’ window to see complete devastation.) Sorry,
but it was worth it, this movie was a mess! (Show clips of Spider-Man 2 with
James doing a voiceover) The endless pointless plot points go on for an
eternity, the endless supply of pointless supplemental characters will drive
anyone mad, the story is barely fleshed out & never explains a damned thing
about what happened in the two years since the first movie not even on the
Director’s cut on DVD. Oh yeah, in case you’re a glutton for dumb there’s a
Director’s cut on DVD that explains less than the Theatrical cut. If the late
Roger Ebert said that Spider-Man 2 was The Best Superhero Movie he ever saw, than
in his later years he was on something because it’s one of the lamest I’VE
ever seen. (Cut back to James and Lea) But to my surprise, there’s one more and
I hope it’s better than I hope my Swiss cheese memory remembers it. (James
grabs Spider-Man 3 and extreme pain courses through James and Lea Michele grabs
the medical Tri-Corder)
Lea Michele:
ORAC, what’s going on?
ORAC: According
to the latest scans the bad memories have flooded over every memory that has
recently been reintegrated.
Lea Michele: What
caused it?
TLOTA (Sounding dark &
demonic with his eyes glowing with black flames): Spider-Man 3 (Dark Spider-Man
theme from Spider-Man 3 play in the background and James smiles a wicked grin.)
TO BE CONCLUDED...
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