Monday, July 13, 2015

Reviewing an "Interview"


(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2014 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James getting hit with an uppercut by Trina Mason to James punching Dr. Plotsz, to Paulo & Rebecca Fonseca saying Groovy, to James and Rowdy running into the Happy Madison crowd, to James’ eyes turning white with blue streaks of lightning coming out of them, to James taking on the wicked then culminating in the moment when Lea Michele reveals herself to be a vampire and zooming into James’ screaming mouth until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James right hand comes out of the dark holding a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo Fonseca, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca Fonseca, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James being dropped off to his work space by his Brother in Law Adam)

TLOTA: Hey Adam, thanks for dropping me off while I look for a new ride.

Adam: No problem. (A mobile device buzzes in James’ pocket.)

TLOTA: One second I’ve got to deal with my Portable device.

Adam: Dude, why don’t you get a smartphone?

TLOTA: Because A) I’ve got a cell phone to make calls and B) it is more convenient. (Cut to James looking and discovering on his mobile device Matthew Paetz and Lea Michele are engaged with James sadly smiling and Adam looking next to James and going Ugh! As The first minute and twenty seconds of “Clara?” from Doctor Who plays in the background and the two park in the parking lot outside of James’ office at the Minute and twenty second mark)

TLOTA: WHAT?

Adam: How long has it been? A couple of years since the two of you actually met? A couple of weeks since the meet & greet?

TLOTA: Too long

Adam: You and your family helped me out bigtime. Your friend’s concoction “Liquid I.Q.” gave me the ability to advance my intelligence beyond where I was with the “Happy Madison” audience and I am grateful to have you and your family be a part of my life. So let me give you some advice. Move on, she doesn’t remember you and the world isn’t gonna end yet.

TLOTA: You’re right. Look I promised everyone on my team Pizza for the Lunch break which will be around noon 12:30-ish. Here’s the cash for the Pizzas just say “I’m here for James’ team lunch” and the pizzeria will know what you’re talking about and just give them the cash.

Adam: Okay, see you for your break. Later James.

TLOTA: Later Adam. (James steps out of Adam’s car and into the secondary door to James’ office and opens the door to ORAC’s chamber)

TLOTA: ORAC, any residual effects from The Paradox Rift?

ORAC: There appears to be no residual effects from what has occurred recently.

TLOTA: Well let me know if anything does happen.

ORAC: I am working on so much I must run self-diagnostic systems soon.

TLOTA: Do what you have to, in the meanwhile I have no clue what to… ORAC, what exactly are you working on?

ORAC: Attempting to bypass Nimue and Comicron one safety protocols and aim a charged blast to North Korea hopefully wiping it off the face of the earth.

TLOTA: NORTH KOREA?!

ORAC: Correct. For further information might I suggest you contact the remainder of the team, they are converging in your office space. (James walks out of ORAC’s chamber as James walks into the main lobby as Paulo and Rebecca Fonseca are armed to the teeth and James walks alongside them to see the bottom half of the doorway to his office filled with Sand bags and seeing everyone in team “The Last Of The Americans” armed with enough weapons to be considered Postal Workers in mini dugouts.)

TLOTA: Normally I’d have to take something so strong that I’d be so out my mind so incredibly, I couldn’t possibly consider this real at all, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’S BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?! (Cut to everyone else in the office)

Paulo: You haven’t heard about what’s happening in North Korea! (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA: What’s Kim Jong-Un up to?

Rebecca: It’s big

TLOTA (Slowly getting upset): What’s Kim Jong-Un up to? (Cut to everyone else in the office)

John Santos: It is bad news that is so bad well, Mike answer him.

Mike Santos: He’s really gonna kill people over this. (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA (Getting angrier quickly): What’s Kim Jong-Un up to? (Cut to everyone else in the office)

Renee Miller: Oh James he is pissed beyond pissed. (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA (Angered beyond recognition): FOR THE FREAKING LOVE OF PEAT MOSS WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL AND ALL THAT IS DARK AND UNHOLY ON THIS STINKING ROCK IS KIM JONG-UN UP TO?! (Cut to everyone else in the office)

Eric Kurtzke: Kim Jong-Un wants the rights to “Duck Dynasty” (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA (Incredulous sounding): What? (Cut to everyone else in the office)

Paulo Fonseca: He’s a freaking madman.... (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA: Who our President will do nothing to stop until it’s too late! (Cut to everyone else in the office)

Rebecca Fonseca: But to play it safe we’ve installed one hell of a security system. If even one North Korean loyal to that madman even comes near the place we’ll destroy them so fast “The Flash” will be running like a normal person in comparison. (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA: Take this with a gallon and ten three liter bottles of Liquid I.Q. when I say this but, ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE?! (Cut to everyone else in the office)

TLOTA (Audio only): Kim Jong-Un is an asshole with no dick I have no argument there but he… (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA: Won’t do a damn thing to attack us because he is a cowardly pile of garbage. (Cut to everyone else in the office)

Renee: But what about how he threatened everyone involved with “The Interview” (Cut to James standing in the door way)

TLOTA: Seriously? That’s your reasoning? (Cut to the credit of “The Interview” seen at the end of the movie before cutting to clips of the movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Taking away the controversy and how everything went down to keep the movie out of theaters but eventually getting it released via Digital Streaming, “The Interview” was just plain bad. A lot of it coming from unfocused writing, unfocused acting, unfocused comedy and just straight out lack of focus about what the story wanted to convey. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But let’s not waste any time…. (Cut to James’ perspective as he looks around and sees everyone still inside armed to the teeth before cutting to James.)WILL YOU CHUCKLEHEADS GET OUTTA HERE?! (Cut to James’ perspective as everyone save for James runs out in fast motion and the door closing quickly before cutting to James)This is “The Interview”. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So the movie begins with what we perceive to be the North Korean National Anthem sung by a little Korean girl as Nukes are being shot from the silos behind the girl. This event is so powerful all the major news channels are covering it except for the one that has the series “Skylark Tonight”. (Show clip of “Skylark Tonight” before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Hmm, must be one of these (Show a list of News Networks outside of Fox News rapidly pass in front of James.) Especially one of those in the middle. (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): This is Dave Skylark played by James Franco he hosts a celebrity news series that’s produced by Aaron Rapoport played Seth Rogen and they’re celebrating their 1,000th episode. A thousand episodes? That’s a drop in the bucket in terms of Television News reporting. But the point of it is that while celebrating a friend of Aaron’s who’s producing for a legitimate news source rubbing in Aaron’s face that he produces serious news while Aaron and Dave make fluff pieces when it hits Aaron that a hard hitting interview with someone powerful could elevate the show slightly above the toxic waste of E! News & TMZ by getting an interview with a political figure that’d be easy like say The President or the Chief of Staff or anyone too easy they decide to interview Kim Jong-Un. Why? Because someone thought the more a challenge to get one of the most hard to get political figures to do an interview than it is to take the easy route like a senator or the President the more interesting the interview I guess. So after going through some channels less political Aaron gets a message to get to an isolated spot in North Korea and to this movie’s credit even though it was shot in Canada the locale did look and feel like North Korea. So a female North Korean Propagandist played by Diana Bang let’s Aaron know that the Interview is on because Kim Jong-Un likes Dave Skylark for some reason. After Dave Skylark announced that factoid on his show a female agent of the CIA played by Lizzy Caplan hires them to whack the guy using a Ricin laced hand strip. However I should state the obvious the characters the CIA want to eliminate one of the most demented people on the planet are being played by James Franco and Seth Rogen. (Cut to James reading a how to speak Korean book as everyone else at team “The Last Of The Americans” is behind him making duck charades behind him and James hears giggling and turns around and yelling “GET OUTTA HERE!” as everyone runs off frame right as James finds the words he’s looking for and says in Korean “We’re Boned” before cutting back to the movie with James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So it’s off to North Korea for the two and after a lot of tedious searches and shenanigans as the two lose the two strips to two of the finest guards Kim Jong-Un has and the two needing a quick replacement set which the CIA deliver via a UAV we meet with the leader of North Korea himself Kim Jong-Un played by Randall Park who slowly but surely convinces Dave Skylark that despite the many misconceptions The American Government have on him, he’s as much a villain as much as Phil Robertson is a city person. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PEAT MOSS! GUYS! (Everyone from team “The Last Of The Americans” comes rushing in)

Paulo: Yes. (Cut to James)

TLOTA: Which one of you messed around with my notes?

ORAC (Audio only): ALERT! ALERT! A fleet of North Korean Troops are outside the building.

TLOTA: That can’t be good. ORAC, Turn on the lights to the Translation field. (Cut to the driveway outside of James’ office building as everyone on team “The Last Of The Americans” are dressed in the same set of suits as a North Korean General and two of his soldiers and a masked hostage come face to face.)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): So you are the one known as “The Last Of The Americans” (The General looks down and see the subtitles) What is this?

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Subtitles. That way I can listen to you without the need of translation and you can understand me without wondering what I am trying to say.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Very clever. How is this possible?

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): The lights above us act as a Translation field. It allows you as I said before easier ability to understand me in my native tongue and for me to understand you in your native tongue.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): So I may kill this one.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): No! I mean if he is a traitor to this country and to yours he shall be dealt with by my government so he can be sent to your government to face judgement.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): But he is of British descent so he will be brought to your government who must then go to his government in order to face us. (The North Korean General snaps his fingers to order his soldiers to remove the mask on the hostage to reveal Mathew “Film Brain” Buck.)

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): FILM BRAIN!

Film Brain (Subtitled in Korean): Yeah North Korea got wind of my desire to review “The Interview” and they then asked if there was anyone else who was going to review it and your name came up. Sorry James.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Don’t worry, I’ll get you out of this. What do I have to do to secure his release?

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): You must not review “The Interview” and he may live. Review it and you will both suffer the same fate.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Bit of a problem there, I was in mid-review of “The Interview” before your troops invaded my office.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): I see, please turn off your Translation Field for the next minute. I must go and give my soldiers a severe punishment. (James acquiesces to The North Korean General as he curses out his troops and shoots them all off screen before walking back on screen and James reactivates the Translation field)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): You have two hours to surrender.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Two Hours? Why?

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): It’ll give you time to finish your review and surrender yourselves. As a sign of good faith, I give to you and your friend whom you shouted out. Officers, let him go! (The last two officers throw Mathew “Film Brain” Buck to James before cutting to everyone in James’ office lobby.)

TLOTA: Guys we’re not done yet.

Film Brain: I think you have to be done in two hours because I’m The Bomb.

TLOTA: I know you’re awesome but….

Paulo: Uh James, Film Brain IS the literal BOMB! As in explosive device to turn humans into confetti! (Paulo turns Mathew “Film Brain” Buck around and shows James the explosive device on Mathew “Film Brain” Buck)

TLOTA: ORAC?! On my next mention of Omega level defense Blow this place sky high.

Everyone else: OMEGA LEVEL?!

Mathew “Film Brain” Buck: Why? Is it bad?

ORAC: The final safety protocol, should this building and the people and belongings in this building be compromised the explosives set inside the building will detonate taking everything with it.

(Everyone looks at each other with fear or dread or concern as James looks fearful but stoic before cutting away to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review as scene cuts to James and everyone else with Sonic Screwdrivers trying to disarm the bomb on Mathew)

Paulo: Well we can’t disconnect the trigger.

Eric: Or reverse the polarity of the frequency or the polarity of the Neutron flow without taking us out with them.

Rebecca: You know what would make things easier is if we had a bite to eat.

(Others agree)

TLOTA: Well I told Adam to stay away for a while.

Film Brain: Adam? As in…

TLOTA: My Brother in Law not Sandler but he was a member of the Happy Madison Audience and now he’s a productive member of society.

Film Brain: You mean to tell me you successfully were able to reform a person from the Happy Madison Audience, some witless wonder into a productive member of society?

TLOTA: Yep.

Film Brain: If we survive this, I’m calling Ripley’s

Renee: If we survive this, we’ll make sure Kim Jong-Un doesn’t get his grubby mitts on Duck Dynasty.

TLOTA (Heavily Aggravated): KIM JONG-UN DOESN’T WANT DUCK DYNASTY! HE WANTS US WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

John Santos: With that attitude he’ll never get it!

TLOTA (Heavily Aggravated): SHUT UP!  (Sighs)

Mike Santos: Well, what do we do now?

Film Brain: I suggest James focus on the review, you guys work on getting this bomb off of me.

TLOTA: Good idea, I can direct my anger towards what got me into this mess and what isn’t even a part of this.

(Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So in keeping with Seth Rogen comedies, James Franco and Kim Jong-Un become good buddies and that night at dinner the two loyal guards took a couple of the Ricin poison strips and had them like Chewing Gum and proceed to bite the dust. While mourning his guards Dave notices the façade slowly coming off as Kim Jong-Un slips he plans on wiping everyone in America off the face of the earth and at a Store that the two passed by earlier which everyone assumed was filled with food was as real as well my interest in seeing Uwe Boll win an academy award. Pissed as all get out Dave decides to go through with eighty sixing the leader of North Korea however Aaron and the Propagandist decide that simply killing Kim Jong-Un isn’t strong enough by humanizing they can weaken his grip on the People and they can kill him in the ultimate coup d’état. Why? Because the Propagandist and Aaron have developed feelings for one another and the two decide on how to handle this situation. So the plan and the interview is on. (Show clips of the Interview before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Am I really seeing James Franco make Kim Jong-Un cry and soil himself? That’s how they “Humanize” someone who is so freaking bonkers for banana balls that if even some little thing goes wrong in his country he’ll make everyone SUFFER so badly they’ll be wishing for death and the best idea to humanize him was to use quotes from “Firework” from Katy Perry? While we’re at it let’s play “Friday” by Rebecca Black at Guantanamo Bay that’ll get rid of the prisoners there! (Cut to movie while James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Meanwhile Aaron loses most of his hand to make sure things go according to plan but it doesn’t include if Kim Jong-Un kills Dave (Show moment in which Dave dies before cutting to James  who says in Korean “We’re Boned! AGAIN!” before cutting back to the movie with James doing a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): No actually he had a bulletproof vest on as our “Heroes” steal a tank Kim Jong-Un had while Kim Jong-Un plan not only to Wipe out the three but America as well in one shot when something even Captain America would be against, Why? Because if he says that being protected from threats isn’t freedom, it’s fear, who am I to argue, sends Kim Jong-Un straight to the gates of hell! After sending all of North Korea into Chaos and I am NOT KIDDING about this SEAL Team Six Rescue Dave & Aaron and the two are lauded as heroes, Dave writes a book about his experience to be made into a movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen, North Korea moves closer to democracy and reuniting with South Korea and everyone who did not watch this movie lives to see a much better movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Which is something I can’t say because I’m going to die after reviewing a horrible movie.

Paulo (Audio Only): James… (Cut to Paulo outside the doorway)

Paulo: They’re back! (Cut to James in his office chair)

TLOTA: Were you able to (Cut to Paulo outside the doorway)

Paulo: Thankfully yes. (Cut to James in his office chair)

TLOTA: Well if you’ll excuse me. Duty calls. (Cut to the driveway outside of James’ office building as everyone on team “The Last Of The Americans” and Film Brain are dressed in the same set of suits as The North Korean General and two of his soldiers come face to face again.)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): So your time is up. Have you finished your review of this travesty towards North Korea and Our glorious leader?

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Not yet. I have to summarize my thoughts and you helped.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): How so?

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Because you said it “This movie is a Travesty” (Cut to clips of “The Interview” while James still subtitled in Korean does his summary)

TLOTA (voiceover subtitled in Korean): Not just towards North Korea, Not just towards Kim Jong-Un but also it is a travesty as to just how it thinks the media handles the news. Forgetting the fact that the plot is stupid beyond reproach, the movie is a bad tasting pie to the face of not only North Korea but America as well. Yeah North Korea may have gotten some shrapnel and schmutz but we took a worse hit because the film has probably one of the most ludicrous ideas ever put to pen and paper but to think we could covertly assassinate someone that high profile with a Celebrity is just flat out stupid! If America ever got that desperate then maybe…. Just maybe we deserve to be destroyed.

(Cut to the driveway outside of James’ office building as everyone on team “The Last Of The Americans” and Film Brain are dressed in the same set of suits as The North Korean General and two of his soldiers come face to face again.)

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): But a bad movie shouldn’t be a reason for being wiped off the map by your leader. If we truly posed any threat it wouldn’t be because we got the idea from a movie. (The North Korean General Hmms for one second.)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Well, such a well thought out summary. Makes me regret saying what I must now say…. Almost.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): What?

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Unfortunately we must now kill all of you. We know you deactivated the bomb on your friend so now we must finish what our mighty leader asked us to do. Kill all who have reviewed “The Interview”

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): But I called it a pile of garbage.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Yes but both those who review the movie either positively or negatively must pay. (The Tank turns its main gun towards everyone at team “The Last Of The Americans” and Film Brain as most of them look and try to soil themselves.)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): On three. One (Cut to everyone at team “The Last Of The Americans” and Film Brain finally standing in unison ready to accept their fate before cutting back to The North Korean General.)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Two (Cut to everyone at team “The Last Of The Americans” and Film Brain finally standing in unison ready to accept their fate.)

John Santos (Quietly and subtitled in Korean): Well at least we won’t have to worry about “Duck Dynasty”. (James rolls his eyes and turns his head to John Santos.)

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean and Angered beyond reproach): GOD DAMN IT JOHN, WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT DUCK DYANSTY?! (The North Korean General gives the command to hold their fire.)

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Forgive me for asking but…. What is “Duck Dynasty”? (James turns to the North Korean General having calmed down)

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): “Duck Dynasty”? Duck Dynasty is a tale of a family who honors not only their earthly leader but their spiritual leader by creating calls that call out demons who disguise themselves as ducks. They use the calls to vanquish the demons those that are vanquished are sacrificed to their spiritual leader for guidance and protection in their duties.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): But how do they make their living?

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): By selling their calls and teaching others their way to fight the demons.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Sounds like something Kim Jong-Un would request of one of us.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): But they did this of their volition.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): Kim Jong-Un would be pleased to have that more than your heads on his mantelpiece.

TLOTA (Subtitled in Korean): Why not tell him? That may pique his interest. I’m sure he knows but Duck Dynasty maybe more valuable than some bottom of the barrel internet reviewers.

The North Korean General (Subtitled in English): We shall. Come we inform our leader of Duck Dynasty! (The North Korean Army leaves quickly as Adam comes driving in and parking as James shuts off the translation field)

Adam: I take it everything is safe?

TLOTA: For now.

Adam: Well I don’t need to call my brother to send a squad of Marines to stop the North Koreans from killing you. Anyway I got some semi-warm pizza. You guys want some. (Cut to everyone nodding in agreement and walking towards James’ office)

John Santos: It won’t take long before they realize we duped them.

Film Brain: What will we do when that happens?

TLOTA: Have you guys heard the phrases “Self Fulfilling Prophecy” and “Fixed Point in time”?

Everyone else: Yeah? Why? (James has a politician’s smile on his face as it cuts to a black background and in the front is the phrase “One Week Later” before cutting to James walking into the Quick Stop.)

TLOTA: Who turned off the color? Oh hey Dante. (Camera cuts to Dante Hicks played by Brian O’Halloran)

Dante: So I take it is the usual two packs of Pyramid lights for your dad and the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Candy Balls for you?

TLOTA: Yep and throw in a gallon of Skim Milk in there is well. (James accidentally bumps into The Milkmaid played by Kevin Smith’s mom and apologizes for bumping into her as he grabs a gallon of Skim Milk and walks to the counter as Randal played by Jeff Anderson.) Hey Randal. (Randal obliviously bumps into James.) Randal, here’s a wild idea look at where you’re going and put the toilet reading material down. (Cut to Dante & Randal behind the counter.)

Randal: Okay first off I had to cut across state lines to grab a copy of the New York Times and I wanted to enjoy it and second off I’m sorry I bumped into you almighty king of England but there was an article in here I had to show Mr. “I’m married and have a kid and I’m boring as all fuck” something.

Dante: Just what is it? (Cut to the backside of Dante and Randal as James pays and overhears everything)

Randal (Audio only): Well apparently Kim Jong-Un The Dickless said “Duck Dynasty” was something he didn’t want the people to know about but someone spilled the beans and now everyone in North and South Korea are galvanized on overthrowing him and bringing democracy in.

Dante (Audio only): Really, I thought you would’ve been talking about something sick the Kardashians did.

Randal (Audio only): Everything they do is sick, so sick even I wouldn’t discuss those bitches.(James backs away in surprise, takes the change then runs like all get out as the two continue to talk.)