Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Top 10 Ridiculous "Rocky" moments

(Scene starts with James lying down on his bed, exhausted and looking at the calendar.)

TLOTA: Oh man, am I late. I overshot the Fourth of July but then again I was Uber-busy. Let's see if I can do something really on the fly. (Silently scatting then saying silently Eeny Meeny Miney Moe & Bingo as James finds in a box set of DVDs of the "Rocky" franchise.) Let's see what inspiration I can get out of this!

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. When it comes to the Fourth Of July a few things immediately come to my mind are as follows: Bar-B-Ques, Small town Fairs, Fireworks, and two movie franchises in particular "Jaws" and the one I'm going to talk about "Rocky" (Scene cuts to footage of the "Rocky" movie franchise and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And there is a reason for it around this time last year I did an editorial on the "Rocky" Franchise and how for Sylvester Stallone the character of Rocky Balboa represents his American Dream of watching someone from the bottom rise to the top! (Cut to clips from the Broadway show of "Rocky" while James continues a voice over) and as I speak now there is a musical adaptation of the first "Rocky" movie that's hit on Broadway and most people like it but there are those who find it ridiculous. But I ask those who find the Musical Ridiculous,(Cut back to the Rocky movie footage.) Look at all six movies, there were plenty of Ridiculous moments in there and I'm counting down the ten most Ridiculous moments of the "Rocky" movie franchise. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Now don't imply that I don't like the movies. Far from it. (Cut to more footage from the Rocky movie franchise as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I actually like the dramatic moments and the sports action for the most part is well choreographed but trust me when you see what I have seen in the Rocky movies, you'll be seeing things about the Rocky franchise in a different light.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So put on those Patriotic Shorts and let James Brown's "Living in America" be your introduction as you prepare to fight Hulk Hogan for Charity, These are The ten most ridiculous moments in the Rocky movie franchise! (Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place as the city moves and clips of the Rocky Franchise run along side him eventually showing the "Yo Adrian I did it" moment from Rocky II while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background as James counts down the moments.)

TLOTA (Voice Over): Number 10

10) How Rocky lost his fortune in "Rocky V"
Don't get me wrong, losing one's fortune is devastating no matter who it is. But when Rocky lost his fortune in "Rocky V" by having his accountant be a complete and incompetent crook who fooled Paulie to sign over Rocky's accounts to him was sheer and completely ridiculous but what was more ridiculous was Rocky flat out saying to his management team to tell George Washington Duke, that he would take on Duke's Choice for competition. He just came back from going toe to toe with Ivan Drago in the last one and he's saying he'll fight Duke's challenger? (Cut to scene from "The Critic episode "A Song For Margo" where Franklin chuckles and says "Cuckoo" then cut to James physically)

TLOTA: My thoughts exactly Franklin!(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.) Number nine

9) How Rocky won the title in "Rocky II"
As a sports fan myself, I've seen some crazy miracles happen in sports. Such as watching Eli Manning after nearly being blitzed threw a throw that got caught with one hand by David Tyree in the Super Bowl or watching as the San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship even watching as The Boston Red Sox win the World Series after an 86 year drought was somewhat miraculous and I consider myself a pure fan of the sport of Baseball. But this is might just top David Arquette winning the WCW World Heavyweight Championship. Okay let me set up the scenario, it's the final round in the rematch between Apollo Creed & Rocky Balboa both looking like a pound of ground beef and the two are just tired from standing but the two are still fighting and then boom with one punch the two are on the canvas, the two crawl and try with every ounce of energy they could muster to get up. Both were at the count of nine, Rocky somehow finds the little bit extra as Apollo goes down. Whu, What the... WAIT A MINUTE? (Record Scratches as scene cuts to James physically)

TLOTA: You mean to tell me that by the sheer will of force, Rocky Balboa who was in the same place physically & psychologically as Apollo got back on his feet first? HOW? And for the record, NO I do not accept Apollo's explanation that somehow Rocky had that little bit more of an edge okay. Let's move on shall we.(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number Eight

8) George Washington Duke
If there was ever a doubt that Don King could never be parodied then obviously you never saw "Rocky V" because HOLY QUACAMOLE! The only thing that separates Don King and George Washington Duke is about three feet of hair on end and while actor Richard Gant took some inspiration from Don King, He definitely put his own twist into it. Playing more of the Race Card, hounding Rocky by any means to get his way, even flipping like a coin when Tommy Gunn failed in the brawl at the end, was I glad to see him get his comeuppance as Rocky knocked him on his ass on the Limo, Yes. But was I supposed to take him seriously? Probably. Was he ridiculous? (Cut to the scene of the townspeople of Rock Ridge in the middle of the night and they all shout to Bart. "YOU BET YOUR ASS!" before cutting to James Physically)

TLOTA: THANK YOU TOWNSHIP OF ROCK RIDGE!(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number seven!

7) Rocky's "Training Camp" in Rocky III
While I know it was meant to show that maybe Rocky had gotten soft after winning the championship but that doesn't mean they had to show how easily he got distracted during the training  sequence. A training sequence that shows James "Clubber" Lang played by Mr. T is so prepared that if Rocky was as prepared as Clubber, Rocky would've knocked "Clubber"'s lights out. I think Rocky should've thanked his lucky stars Apollo Creed came along at the right time to help Rocky realize how ridiculous he had become.

(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number six


6)Everything in Rocky IV
I could've filled the entire list with every little ridiculous thing from Rocky IV. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: However I should state that it is not a bad movie.The Nostalgia Critic and James Rolfe went through and reviewed this movie and pointed and nitpicked Rocky IV already but to kind of point out the obvious here are the moments that make this movie ridiculous. (Cut to clips of Rocky IV that James and everyone else finds ridiculous and James doing a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): The Robot in Rocky IV, The Martyrdom and eventual death of Apollo Creed, Paulie's attitude, The fight between Rocky & Ivan Drago, The final speech at the end of  Rocky IV, the predictability of the movie. (Bell dings as scene cuts back to James.)

TLOTA: Well, that half the fight is over. I'm going to take a break in my corner. You check out these commercials.
(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro)

(Scene starts in a living room with Lea Michele & Michael Morrison with a confused look on their faces while watching a Sylvester Stallone movie while Rowdy does a voice over.)

Rowdy (Voice over): Are you tired of having to put either the captions or English Subtitles to watch a movie starring Sylvester Stallone? (Show clip of "Rambo: First Blood" as he gives his final speech on the TV and cut to Lea & Michael nodding in a yes motion.) Well, now you can translate what Stallone says into fluent English with the Stallone translator. It's available as an app for your portable device, an in ear piece or a program for your speaker system. Put it on and you'll be able to hear what in Sam Hill what Sylvester Stallone is saying in actual English. (Cut to clip of "Judge Dredd" 1995 with James dubing Sylvester Stallone.)

Stallone (Dubbed by James): It's a lie! The evidence has been falsified! It's impossible! I never broke the law, I AM THE LAW!

Rowdy (Voice over): You'll finally be able to hear what Rocky Balboa is saying without slurring his words. Imagine John Rambo's final speech actually dubbed into English! (Cut to "Rambo: First Blood"'s end speech with James dubbing over Stallone's lines.)

Stallone (Dubbed by James): Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to win! But somebody wouldn't let us win! And I come back to the world and I see all those maggots at the airport, protesting me, spitting. Calling me baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about!

Trautman: It was a bad time for everyone, Rambo. It's all in the past now.

Stallone (Dubbed by James):For you! For me civilian life is nothing! In the field we had a code of honor, you watch my back, I watch yours. Back here there's nothing!

Trautman: You're the last of an elite group, don't end it like this.

Stallone (Dubbed by James):Back there I could fly a gunship, I could drive a tank, I was in charge of million dollar equipment, back here I can't even hold a job PARKING CARS! (Cut to an ear piece inside the ear of Becca Tobin playing Jennifer Flavin-Stallone while Rowdy does a voice over.)

Rowdy (Voice over): We even let the Stallones try it out and well... (Cut to the Stallone house as James plays Sylvester Stallone.)

Sylvester Stallone: Hey yo! (Inaudible mumbling & slurring) (Cut to first person perspective of Jennifer Flavin-Stallone as Stallone is seen but James dubs the audio)

Stallone (Dubbed by James): So I'm going to be working at the studio and I'm hoping one of our older daughters can pick up the youngest and make dinner. (Cut to Jennifer Flavin-Stallone from the back of Sylvester's head.)

Jennifer Flavin-Stallone: An absolutely great idea.

Sylvester Stallone: (Inaudible mumbling and slurring then walks out of frame as Jennifer Flavin-Stallone looks into the camera.)

Jennifer Flavin-Stallone: I can finally understand my husband! Thank you Stallone Translator! (Cut to an image of the Stallone Translator with Rowdy doing a voiceover.)

Rowdy (Voice over): The Stallone Translator, it also works on Sam Elliot dialogue and other actors who can't speak a lick of English properly. (Sylvester Stallone pops up and begins to slur & mumble his dialogue before kicking on a translator himself.)

Stallone (Dubbed by James): There we go, my name is Sylvester Stallone and I approve of this device! (Fade to black)

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the return act to the review as scene cuts to James swishing water in his mouth getting rubbed down by Lea Michele and Rowdy dressed as Mickey from "Rocky" is giving him encouraging words.)

Rowdy: You're doing great James, we're halfway there another five and we'll be done. One way or another, we're alright. (Bell dings and James swallows the water.)

TLOTA: That was the bell, let me back at it.(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number five

5) Rocky Junior's age progression
Don't get me wrong, Rocky Junior's age progression is natural but whoa did the lapses take a toll on reality. In Rocky II he's born, of course and is played surprisingly by Seargeoh Stallone, his second born son, then he's nearly five years old, then in Rocky IV he's nearly seven and in Rocky V he's a teen and played by Seargeoh's older brother the late Sage Stallone. WOW absolutely ridiculous how this kid grows up. Even though as an adult he's played by Milo Ventimiglia and does it well it takes quite a toll on the suspension of disbelief to see him grow up THAT quickly!

(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number four

4) The Marching Band that knows "Gonna Fly Now" in Rocky III & Rocky V
Don't get me wrong and don't misquote me Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now" is an amazing song definitely see why it deserves to be in the top 11 F-Yeah songs from movies list the Nostalgia Critic did during what I'd call his first run but HOLY FREAKING TOLEDO! When I heard a marching band play it in Rocky III, I figured that's the song Rocky heard in his head and wanted the marching band to play as he was being honored but when I heard another marching band perform it in Rocky V, yeah kind of seems insane by most standards and is without a shadow of one of the big ridiculous moments in the Rocky franchise.

(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number three

3) The over usage of the musical montages
This was prevalent particularly in Rocky IV & V but while I did mention that everything in Rocky IV was ridiculous earlier the over use of the Musical montage in Rocky IV had to have had it's own spot. While they did cut back on the musical montages in the fifth one. The overuse of the montage in the fourth one made it clear it was trying to reach the MTV crowd which was starting to come to fruition at that time. But when you have to give a musical moment to James Brown, yeah something was saying in the back of Sylvester Stallone's mind saying, let's cut back on the musical numbers in my movies from now on.

(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): Number two

2) Rocky Balboa's investment in Tommy Gunn's Championship fight in Rocky V
After watching his former Protégé Tommy "The Machine" Gunn played by the late Tommy Morrison walk out on him. Rocky actually decides to watch Tommy go for his former championship on TV mind you but still, after he basically got fed up with Rocky trying to make Tommy patient and enjoy not only the respect and dignity the title meant to Rocky but also to the boxing community. Rocky decides to see the fight on TV in hopes that Tommy at least gives Rocky a bit of credit for helping Tommy. Rocky is even capable of some magic as he was able to choreograph Tommy through a punching bag! WOW! Ridiculous as having toast land jelly side down as 100 % Positive proof the Devil is here on earth!

(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and James does a voice over.)

TLOTA (Voice over): And the number one most ridiculous moment is...

1) Rocky Balboa vs Thunderlips in Rocky III
This was the sign that the silliness was going uphill and the dramatics were heading downwards. But surprisingly I actually like this and can recite verbatim all of Hulk Hogan's lines. But what tips the scale back and forth from funny ridiculous to "Are you serious?" ridiculous is when Paulie is being a corner man trying to help Rocky. Paulie even goes so far as to hit Thunderlips played by Hulk Hogan with a chair and say

Paulie : I don't sweat you

TLOTA (Voice over): Only to have Thunderlips knock his lights out but even though the match ended in a draw and the two get a photo for the paper. This tops the list for me at least as the most Ridiculous moment in the Rocky franchise.

Rocky Balboa: You know sometimes charity hurts!

Thunderlips: Huh. (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: And that's the top ten ridiculous "Rocky" moments. Does those moments detract from the movies themselves? No! (Cut to footage of the Rocky movie franchise with James doing a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voice over):  The ridiculous moments don't detract from the movies likability at all. The "Rocky" Franchise was a great tale of Sylvester Stallone's American Dream that anyone can rise to the top and fly, rise up to the challenge of our rivals and take them on with the eye of the tiger! (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion. Now I've got to run!(Cut to obvious green screened shot of James in Grey Sweats as he runs in place while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and cut to the actual steps outside the museum as the camera angles perfectly to show the statue as James runs up the steps and does the pose of the statue with the statue in the foreground.)