James Faraci The Last Of The Americans

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: H2O Just Add Water Season 2 part 2

(Scene begins with the Opening of "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble" then cutting to clips of the remainder of the season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): In the aftermath of the ending of "And Then There Were Four", Cleo discovers Charlotte has become a mermaid in the next episode "Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble" and in a surprising move Rikki, Emma & Cleo decide to bury the hatchet with Charlotte and decide to welcome her with open arms as they try to discover what Charlotte's powers could be. By the end of the episode she discovers she has the powers of all three of the other mermaids combined. Afterwards things go south, AGAIN! In the episodes after that, Charlotte has become mad with power and slightly cuckoo for cocoa puffs to control Lewis and nearly exposes ALL of them. Things come to a head in the second to final episode "Sea Change".

The friendship between Charlotte and the other three is OVER! And Lewis has had enough of Charlotte as well, he breaks up with Charlotte once and for all and just in time to save Cleo from a pack of sharks that looked at her and thought "YUM! DINNER TIME!" and reunites with Lewis romantically. Yeah there's something I need to talk about, the romances on the show can become tedious! Lewis and Cleo's back and forth romantic relationship was somewhere in the range of "Dave & Maddie, We love each other, I want to tear out the throat of the other one" in "Moonlighting" to the insufferable decade long back and forth of "Ross & Rachel" in "FRIENDS", the relationship between Zane and Rikki is handled a lot differently but is near Lewis and Cleo levels of insufferable. While yeah in season one Zane was an ass and a Douche through and through there was some glimmer of a good person when he helped the three escape Dr. Denham's capture but he does pull a few doozies one including pissing off Rikki's dad, smart move there Rocket Skyentist REAL GOOD USE OF THE KIDNEYS! I mean in comparison, The relationship that is being built up this season seems SANE in comparison and that relationship is between Emma and a secondary character named Ash. (Cut to the clip of Ash from Evil Dead II as he makes his chainsaw hand and says "GROOVY!") NOT THAT ASH! (Cut to a clip of Pokémon as Ash summons Pikachu!) Even her standards aren't that low! (Cut back to H20: Just Add Water Season 2 as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): I WISH the Ash in this series was as cool as the first and a little less like the latter, no this Ash is different he runs a horse ranch and over the span of this season he becomes Emma's love interest he allowed Emma to open up emotionally. It gave her something to her outside of being a mermaid and working at the juice bar they had. Yeah, they had a friggin' juice bar, seriously I know Power Rangers is as of this post STILL being produced in the same area around Australia and New Zealand but even I think that's just a stupid concept to replicate it into your series or maybe it's a huge coincidence. But I digress, the season comes to an end with the episode "Unfathomable". A rare moon and planetary alignment that happens to occur every fifty years would strip a mermaid of her tail and powers is upon them soon. While barely trying to pretend to be nice Rikki, Emma and Cleo try to warn Charlotte but it falls on deaf ears and a mind set to do something evil to do with the three. Finally having all they could stand Cleo, Emma and Rikki finally confront Charlotte on Mako Island, the night of the moon and planetary alignment in which a mermaid will lose her tail and powers and with the odds stacked against Charlotte she... loses. The next day Lewis reclaims Cleo's locket and Emma decides to reveal she is a mermaid to Ash and his reaction says it all, "Groovy!" (Cut to ending of "Unfathomable" before fading to black and then to clips of season two as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Season two raised the bar but holy moly cannoli did they pull out some whoppers, they really did a lot to Rikki, Emma and Cleo and in turn Rikki, Emma and Cleo were out to do some damage to the people around them. For example in an episode Zane and Lewis want to get back on the mermaids' good side and decide to splash themselves with Ambergris! Ambergris comes from Whale Poop! They did something so stupid it backfired and nearly caused the three to expose themselves to a guy who does the same thing and had it not been for Zane and Lewis' intervention the situation would've been worse. Then there's the stuff that Cleo did, I mean she could be vicious especially to Charlotte and Charlotte in turn didn't exactly turn me on. There were few times she was a decent character but most of the time she could be as vicious as the others. Emma on the other hand from the first season to this one showed behind her "Stick In The Mud" personality there was something unique and I guess she had that personality because she had ambitions to be an Olympian swimmer but when she got the tail and powers she found herself stuck. Either embrace what she had become or become stale. Fortunately she had Rikki and Cleo to help her embrace what was inside and when she hooked up with Ash who sadly had NO personality this season she was able to allow herself to be as close to human as she could. Now you're probably wondering why I'm talking about these characters in this. Well sadly because after this season, we say goodbye to them and I understand why we'll be saying goodbye to Charlotte because after getting the daylights knocked out of her, she'd be crazy to continue go up against three mermaids and as much as she got knocked, she became the villain of the season... because the writers needed someone! But this is how they wrote it. Which means it is time once again for....

(Cut to a black background and the words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" in neon as James' voice echoes those words before hearing stock Game Show Music as clips of the season play in the background and James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): While the season premiere would've happened exactly the way it did, The Guardian would've had some say and we would've been introduced to The Guardian's sanctuary while yes it is TARDIS like, it wouldn't be going into time and space. Though from the outside it'd look like a boat with an interior cabin, after stepping inside it looks more advanced yet filled with ancient scrolls, artifacts and paintings. When he hears the three went into the moon pool the night before and the effects from what they describe what happened, he remembered something happening centuries ago. A prophecy was made "Three would awaken the pool after it had fallen dormant over time after their powers would advance. One would join and soon after one would be gone and the return will occur soon after." Rikki, Emma, Cleo & Lewis take it as a prophecy of demise and would do everything to prevent the end of one of them while The Guardian would use the prophecy to help train Rikki, Emma and Cleo with the advancement of their powers.

The Guardian would've been the most helpful in the episode "Fish Fever" coming up with the antidote after Rikki & Cleo told him what had happened in the episode The Guardian would've also bonded with Lewis as The Guardian tries to understand modern chemistry and Lewis would learn old school alchemy and be the highlight of the episode as much as what would be happening to Cleo's Fish and Emma. In the meanwhile Charlotte would've been handled differently. Rikki, Emma and Cleo would be more inviting but keep their secret about the fact they were Mermaids from her at the behest of The Guardian. Cleo would almost expose her and her friends several times leading Charlotte to find research on Mako through Max. Lewis and The Guardian would also befriend Max and after checking the footage and research, which leads The Guardian to a wrong conclusion it leads Charlotte to the moon pool when the moon was full and she becomes a mermaid. While The Guardian senses something has changed it's not until the next day that Lewis and The Guardian discover the truth with Rikki, Emma and Cleo looking from afar in the water.

The next day after school The Guardian as Mr. Jean-Dian asks Charlotte to stick around after school to help him with the next lesson he had planned for the next day. That reason was to drop the vail of his alias and for Rikki, Emma and Cleo reveal that they too are mermaids shocked at the three being mermaids they bond and things are good until the last two episodes of the season until a full moon reflection hits Charlotte turning heel. Acting out and attacking the three even hurting The Guardian leading up to the finale. In said finale The Guardian believe that this day is the day of the prophecy and suggest to use today as a day to either reflect, repair or to do as they wish because that night The Guardian, Rikki, Emma, Cleo & Lewis will face off against Charlotte in the fight for the soul of Mako Island. While in a meditative state, The Guardian comes to a surprising conclusion though it is not spoken aloud. Meanwhile Emma reveals the fact she's a mermaid to Ash, Rikki and Zane decide to spend the day on land at Zane's place without his parents around. That night Zane and Ash decide to join the group against Charlotte. While Ash, Lewis and Zane are easily taken down. Rikki, Emma and Cleo hold their own until The Guardian shows up. Holding Charlotte up until the planetary alignment passes. Using the powers within him, The Guardian eventually drops Charlotte in the water and then erases her human memories. The only ones who would remember Charlotte was even human was Ash, Cleo, Emma, Lewis, Rikki, Zane and The Guardian. As far as the rest of the world was concerned Charlotte Watsford never existed, she'd be dismissed as Deja vu and ultimately forgotten. Before leaving Charlotte in her mermaid form permanently, he hands her a ring and tells her to find the pod, the return is happening! Fulfilling the prophecy but not as it was written it would end. The Guardian then telling everyone to prepare for the return. Setting up a storyline we'd get to in the next season, if there was going to be one or for a whopper of a finale for this entire series. But we'll get to it next time on...

(Cut to a black background and the words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" in neon as James' voice echoes those words before cutting back to clips of the season two as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Ultimately Season Two was really good, the pace of the storyline is good and I do recommend it as a good follow-up to season one. I also found myself enjoying certain episodes like "Fish Fever" and if the series were to have ended here like it should've. It would've been a fine ending leaving it open enough for a sequel series or a spin-off of sorts to happen on further down the road but that wouldn't happen until three years after the next season. That's right, there's one more season of this show and we have the fans to thank for that one. See, originally Network Ten and Jonathan M Shiff were only contractually obligated for a two season run with a total of fifty two episodes. However fans wanted another season and with the explosion of YouTube, Netflix and Streaming sites, the show was a hit internationally and so they had craft a final season which would be sufficient enough to end this series and keep the door open for said spin-off! Which was a success but with the price of one of their own leaving. But we'll talk about that when we get to Season 3 (Fade to Black before cutting to a clip of Rikki accidentally igniting the laundry before cutting to a clip of the MST3K episode of "Gamera" as Tom Servo says "Roast 'em, Tenderize 'em down Ya go!" before fading to black.)

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: H2O Just Add Water Season 2 part 1

(0:10-0:56, 1:51-2:07 of the trailer of Season 2 of H20: Just Add Water before cutting to the rest of the Trailer as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER MOON POOL! Welcome my friends to "H2O: Just Add Water" Season 2!

(Cut to Scenes from season two of "H2O: Just Add Water"as "No Ordinary Girl" is played in the background before cutting Mako Island before it cuts to a scene of James in a lounge chair and the words "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" above James before cutting to clips of the show and the season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): The season begins with the episode "Stormy Weather". The three soon realize that the next full moon is upon them and decide the night of said Full Moon to get to the island and get in the pool. But due to a rare planetary alignment their powers become enhanced with Cleo being able to control the wind as easily as she can control the water, Rikki being able to summon lightning and ignite stuff on fire and Emma can now summon snow. Well now she can dump Killer Frost, Captain Cool and Mr. Freeze and just hang out with Elsa from Frozen. "Stormy Weather" was a great way to show how the Status Quo is beginning to change and start the second season off with a bang. In the follow-up episode we're quickly introduced to Charlotte a new girl in town played by Brittany Byrnes and here is where I get some problems with Cleo, in particular specifically how she acts towards certain things in this season especially towards Charlotte and WHOOO BOY does she pull off some whoppers. Cleo suspects that her boyfriend is into Charlotte more than she is and dumps Lewis, her parents are divorced by the start of the season and when she grabs a sample of a potion that went south in a filler episode and wishes her parents would reconcile and remarry which doesn't happen she handles it badly. Cleo's dad decides to go out on a date, with Charlotte's mom only to realize that her conceptions weren't true. Charlotte's mom was a business associate interested in buying his catch seeing Cleo's dad is a reputable and responsible professional fisherman. Cleo's Ex takes Cleo's job after a small mistake and sends Rikki & Emma to make Lewis' job nigh on impossible and a Dolphin escapes leaving Cleo to clean up the mess SHE made! And I'm sure that the actress who played Cleo, Phoebe Tonkin is a good person but what made her go along with the things the writers did to her character?

Oh well, while we do get some considerable filler after Charlotte is introduced one episode of note is one of my favorite episodes in the series "Fish Fever". In the episode Emma accidentally pricks herself with a piece of Coral that Cleo takes a piece of and puts it in her Fish's tank her fish acting weird as well as Emma. The episode is a fun little romp through kelp bed which shows Emma is as susceptible to crazy plot elements like any character and Charlotte can be as vicious as Cleo and at her worst can be a nightmare towards Lewis but we'll get to her as a character when her character comes into her own. The Story of this season continues in the two part episode "The Gracie Code". While researching Mako Island, Lewis hopes to understand the function of the Island and the Moon Pool in order to help the girls understand their transformation better. Along the way he finds Max Hamilton who like Lewis is wearing the same set of shoes is wearing now. Fifty years ago, Max was researching the island with Miss Chatham, Julia and Gracie and they find the Moon Pool and on the night of the full moon Max discovers that Miss Chatham, Julia and Gracie became mermaids after diving into the moon pool under the light of the full moon the same way it happened to Rikki, Emma and Cleo, however during another Full Moon the three lost their tails and powers, also Charlotte is getting really angry that Lewis is hanging around with his ex and her friends. During Charlotte's spying she sees a photo of her grandmother as a Mermaid. Max eventually hands over the research data he had collected in order to help Lewis in his work ending Part one. Part two begins with the girls discovering Charlotte is in fact Gracie's Granddaughter. The three of them ask Lewis to ask Charlotte what she knows leading to Charlotte taking a film reel of her grandmother and transferring it onto a DVD in which she discovers her Grandmother Gracie and her old friends Julia and Miss Chatham were mermaids.

We get great follow up in the next episode "And Then There Were Four". As Charlotte now armed with the knowledge of her grandmother being a mermaid and Cleo, Emma and Rikki being mermaids themselves and knowing Rikki, Emma and Cleo are preoccupied by prior events that the three agreed to help with during the night of the full moon. Charlotte dives head first into the moon pool. The next day Lewis and Charlotte meet and then... (Charlotte transforms into a mermaid and Lewis is in shock before fading to black)

To Be Concluded in Part 2

Friday, June 23, 2017

My 10 Favorite MST3K Episodes

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number ten

10) Soultaker (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Essentially a reunion show of sorts save for bringing back Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Clayton Forrester and voicing Crow one more time and bringing back J. Elvis Weinstein aka Dr. Larry Erhardt. The story of the episode and the riffs are what makes this episode on the list. While Pearl sends Mike and The Bots their movie for the episode The Satellite Of Love has fallen into disrepair and even Gypsy isn't in any sort of good mood to help. (Show clip of Gypsy as she chews everyone out before cutting back to the movie as it gets riffed by Mike & The Bots and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Riffs on Soultaker are spot on especially on the story itself. (Cut to clips of the host segments of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But what makes the episode is the return of Joel as he comes aboard in the end of the third act to get aboard to fix Gypsy and The Satellite and seeing TV's Frank one more time and keep in mind this was the first episode of the last season airing on what is now the Syfy Channel back when it was SCI-FI! While it would've been nice to see Joel and Mike Riff on the movie together. It wasn't hard to see why they never did. Joel had to fly himself up to the Satellite Of Love and had to in essence rebuild the systems of the Satellite he didn't have time for joining Mike in riffing. Symbolic of what Joel's role would be since he regained the rights to MST3K. Maybe it was Kismet that the first episode on final season on what is now known as the SYFY network be on this list but maybe it was just for the fun of seeing some of the old faces one more time before SYFY gave it the ax!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 9 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number nine

9) War Of The Colossal Beast (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The movie itself is the usual fare for MST3K and the host segments are funny as is The Colossal Man played by Mike Nelson. The Invention exchange is as humorous as it could be as well. But what makes this episode list worthy is possibly the most infamous part of the episode. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And the subject of the short. ("Mr. B Natural" played by Traci Hines jump cuts in with the fluty music and James jumps back and shouts DWAH!)

Mr. B Natural: Mr. B Natural Finally free from that cramped up Satellite and ready to awaken the spirit of music in everyone again and I'll start with you James.

TLOTA: Could you wait in the main lobby until after I was done with this list?

Mr. B Natural: I can wait but the Spirit cannot. Finish the list and You can feel like a Happy King! (Fluty Music plays as "Mr. B Natural" Jump cuts out as James looks around as he shakes off the feeling of uncomfortable before cutting to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 8 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Eight

8) Laserblast (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The final episode in the Comedy Central run of MST3K, they threw everything into the episode. The riffs were amazing, the story for Dr. Clayton Forrester's departure was on the nosey, the fact that they subversively told the audience Comedy Central was giving them the ax was awesomely funny and I think the ending does it all (Show end host clip in which everyone sheds their corporeal form and then proceeds to float in the galaxy before we see Dr. Forrester becoming a Star Baby before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: If the show ended here it would've been an okay ending because quite honestly it works as a finale but for a show like this, I was glad it got picked up by the network that called itself the SCI-FI Network and not the SYFY network and we'd get a more fitting finale. But that is for later on in the list!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 7 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Seven

7) Mitchell (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While the episode starts off as a normal MST3K episode we soon discover why this episode is list worthy (Show the First post movie Host segment before cutting to the rest of the episode plays as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's right Gypsy being played by co-creator and Executive Producer Jim Mallon thinking that Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank were going to kill Joel with Gypsy believing that because Joel has yet to break so they decide to just straight up killing the guy. Using a method that and I'm para-quoting Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank "Elegant, Painful and leaving nothing behind but the great smell of Brut" but in fact they were talking about Mike Nelson the Temp they had hired. So as Gypsy had to try to save Joel from something that The MADS aren't planning on doing to Joel and from what I've heard there was tension between Joel Hodgson and Jim Mallon. Rather than watching the series suffer because of the tension Joel decided to step away from MST3K. The Riff was great and the moment Tom Servo loses it was hilarious. The end segment when Joel is about to read a letter and is unceremoniously sucked into an escape pod hidden in a box of Hamdingers and when the Bots go nuts and The MADS unsuccessfully try to get Joel back but they do find someone else to send up in his place.

This episode had to serve as a finale to the Joel era as well as the beginning of the Mike Era and it pulled off the transition perfectly!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 6 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number six

6) Girls Town (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA: (Voiceover): The movie is the first episode in the first full season for Mike Nelson. While Mike was getting his sea legs after Joel left in the middle of season five they did try to keep certain things like the Invention Exchange. I think the producers realized by the end of said fifth season they had to let Mike be Mike and it was in this Episode Mike felt free enough to bring his own humor into the mix. While I enjoyed the riff and the story fine enough, what put this one on the list was one host segment that just was for me HILARIOUS! (Show clip of Tom Servo Scatting as Mike and Crow are close to sending Tom Servo into space through an ACME rocket before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Let's analyze this moment (Show clip again as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): First off, Tom Servo scats for a few seconds before Crow grabs a burlap sack which Mike uses quickly to stuff Tom Servo into then drops him into a 60 Gallon Water Tank which doubles as an ACME Rocket! They're seconds away from lighting the fuse. What stops them? The Commercial Sign and decide to let him out all while Tom Servo scats carefree! A perfectly funny moment worth it's weight in Comedic gold and worth being on this list!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 5 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number five

5) Catalina Caper (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I'll admit I'm a bit of a sucker for this type of cheesy campy movie. So seeing Joel and the bots enjoying the silliness of this movie and knowing the riffs are done from a place of enjoyment is a plus in this episode's favor. But what puts the episode on this list? (Show clip of Tom Servo singing about his love for the character played by Ulla Strömstedt before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Sadly the actress never got a chance to see Tom Servo proclaim his love for her character as she sadly died in a car crash but Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo and his singing is just amazing! And to be honest there are times when I check out the new series and I miss Kevin Murphy's voice but I've gotten use to Baron Vaughn as Tom Servo as of late so take it for what it's worth.

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 4 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Diabolik (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): After Pearl fiddles around with the controls of the Satellite and accidentally sending the Satellite into re-entry mode. Pearl decides for their last movie for Diabolik and while the riffing was their usual great fare. It's the fact that for everyone involved that for them, this was the end and they decided to make the best host segments for the series and to see Mike finally getting home and even sharing a place with Servo & Crow doing what they do best. (Show the final moments of MST3K "Diabolik" episode before cutting to clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Up until the Restart on Netflix for all of us MYSTIES, This WAS the final episode! While I'll never get how Crow, Servo and Gypsy got back onto the Satellite. I'm betting Gypsy's company went Belly up and Mike couldn't afford the rent for all of them so Kinga granted them a return to the Satellite Of Love 2.0 which I think it is because I doubt Kinga or anyone on moon base 13 had the resources to rebuild the original from scratch again. But as far as an ending for the Original Show, it was satisfactory. The MADS lost, Mike made it back to Earth and he's happy doing what he wants to and he's got his robot pals.

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 3 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I know, A lot of MYSTIES have put this one at the top of their favorite episode of MST3K Episodes but there's a reason why it's not Number One because it was the first one I saw Online on the official MST3K Channel and it was the first time I saw "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" and I loved the episode. Watching Joel console Crow & Tom Servo after getting out and trying to reenact the long opening drive, Heck seeing TV's Frank and Dr. Forrester in separate host segments apologize for putting them through this was entertaining. Even the end segment in which we see Torgo (Now played by Mike Nelson) owning his own Pizza delivery was entertaining. The fact Mike Nelson got the walk, the look and Mannerisms down pact almost made me think they got the original actor who played Torgo to don the costume and play the role again. I later found out that actor ate a gun! But still this episode is worth it's weight in Torgo's Pizza!

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 2 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two

2) The Turkey Day Marathon (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As we all know another way of calling of a bad movie is the word "Turkey" and as we all know we enjoy Turkeys on Thanksgiving. So Comedy Central came up with the idea to use MST3K to celebrate Thanksgiving. My favorite ones during the first time was the first one in 1991 in which TV's Frank is preparing for Thanksgiving and Dr. Forrester is planning to take over the world, 1994 which had Adam West hosting and it debuted the "Zombie Nightmare" episode & the one in 1995 which had Dr. Forrester trying to take over the world before his mom got to his lair while dealing with Pitch from "Santa Claus", "Mr. B Natural", "Kitten With The Whip" and Jack Perkins and forcibly having to do a Thanksgiving that TV's Frank had planned before his character was written out after the "Samson vs The Vampire Women" episode. While the last episode in the 1995 marathon made Pearl Forrester a permanent fixture in the series. This was a great way for every MYSTIE to get their fix as they enjoy the Turkey with all the trimmings with the family. Why SCI-FI Channel never did that I don't know. I'm sure it would have worked. Being able to see your favorite episodes and some you never thought about checking. While it has come back in recent years thanks to Joel hosting it on YouTube. So while you stuff yourself with Turkey then I suggest you and your family try stuffing yourselves with some of MST3K's Finest Turkeys while enjoying the Football Game or The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade so they can possibly find themselves enjoying it and finding more episodes they could enjoy outside of the ones in the marathon.

(Cut to the still of the MST3K logo as the number 1 is seen and James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And My Favorite Episode of Classic MST3K of all is....

1) "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" (Cut to Clips of the episode as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Verity Lambert said "You never forget your first Doctor" when it comes to "Doctor Who". But for MSTies like myself you never forget the first riff. And for me my first Riff was that of the Pia Zadora Classic "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" this was my first exposure to the show and to the movie. So trust me when I say this is MST3K at it's finest. The riffs were on point. The Host segments are hilarious. Even the Patrick Swayze Christmas song is perfectly in tune with everything right with the show and for Joel Hodgson and crew to keep this type of quality up in the new season makes it worth all the while and I hope they keep it going for a long time to come. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And I know I missed A TON OF THEM I really did like so feel free to add your favorite in the comments below. As A matter of fact I encourage you to do so and Share the link! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to deal with a person who needs to awaken the spirit of music in me! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's My Opinion. (James reaches off screen and the usual ending of an MST3K as TV's Frank pushes the button.)

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure: H2O Just Add Water Season 1

(Scene begins with Rikki, Emma and Cleo heading to Mako Island and Cleo saying that Mako Island is cursed and off limits before cutting to clips of the girls on the island before cutting to clips of the pilot as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Oh Cleo, stop being a worrywart, It's just an Island. It's not like you'll find a pool that connects to the Ocean and is powered by the moon and gain fish tails and powers and.... CRAP! I've got to learn when to shut my pie hole. Oh well, Welcome my friends to H2O: Just Add Water Season 1!

(Cut to Scenes from season one of "H2O: Just Add Water" as "No Ordinary Girl" is played in the background before cutting Mako Island before it cuts to a scene of James in a lounge chair and the words "Just Add Water: My Mako Adventure" above James before cutting to clips of the show and the season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): 2006 was a hard year for fans of Mermaids in Cinema. "Aquamarine" eventually gained a cult status & "Lady In The Water" was such a hilarious little bomb, that would eventually leave The Nostalgia Critic in Stitches but none the less it stunk like rotten fish even worse there was a proposed Spin-Off of the series "Charmed" which would've featured Mermaid characters but due to "The WB" & "UPN" becoming what is now "The CW" AKA The home of the DCCW Universe that series never even made it past pre-production and a made for TV movie that acted as a backdoor pilot for a series that aired on what is now ION Television never made it past said TV Movie. But that was here in the States. In Australia a Kids TV Producer named Jonathan M. Shiff came up with a concept for a Kids show featuring Mermaids and on paper sounded interesting and surprisingly it worked. Partly due to sites like YouTube sending the series to people all over the planet, While eventually Nickelodeon would pick the series up it's popularity found footing, so to speak online through (Pun intended) Streaming services like Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime! I'll get into SOME of the behind the scenes facts that I do know about this series and "Mako Mermaids" as I get to them but for now having spent an entire paragraph on the series info I do know, let's get into the series properly.

The first season and by extension the Shiff-verse of Mermaids begins with the episode properly entitled "Metamorphosis". We're introduced quickly to Emma Gilbert played by Claire Holt and her friend Cleo Sertori played by Phoebe Tonkin & the new girl in town Rikki Chadwick played by Cariba Heine. Emma likes to swim and dreams of being an Olympic Swimming Champion, Cleo likes working with Sea Creatures in a Marine Park and Rikki...Well, she's a hard clam to crack but since she's the new girl in town, we'll get to know more about her as the entire series progresses but to get back at the episode at hand we find our three stuck on a small Dinghy because of an arrogant teenaged jack-ass by the name of Zane that is heading to Mako Island and according to legend it's been deemed off limits because it apparently is cursed! But Emma & Rikki decide to go there because they have very few options either float in the middle of the water until they die or go to the island and wait for help living off what they can until they're rescued. While exploring the island the three find cave in the center of an dead volcano and a tide pool connecting to the ocean. As the three dive into the pool the water somehow activates by the light of a full moon. The three are rescued and the next morning they go on their everyday lives until.... (Cut to the transformation and reaction of the three in their own way)

YEAH, If you see a crab playing Calypso SWIM AWAY! All kidding aside the three discover ten seconds after the initial saturation of water they become mermaids and the source for the transformation is what everyone calls from now on in this series and the next one the "Moon Pool" at Mako Island. Emma & Cleo quickly discover they have certain abilities when it comes to water. Cleo can move water with telekinesis and Emma can freeze water solid. Hmm, I guess she can now hang out with Killer Frost, Captain Cool and Mr. Freeze. In the follow up episode "Pool Party" Rikki discovers her power to heat water to WELL beyond the boiling point and a friend of theirs named Lewis discovers their secret thanks to Zane. Lewis promises to help the three keep their secret, work on whatever they need done for them per episode and eventually becomes Cleo's love interest, it's a funny old world that the dorky guy can get the hot looking girl who can spontaneously grow gills, fins, scales and a tail with bare contact of water. A few episodes later the series gets strange. Apparently the reflection of the moon depending on the liquid makes one of the three act out of their normal characters. M'Kay! But halfway through the first season we're introduced to Miss Chatham who befriends the mermaids and tells them that she and her friends Julia and Gracie were mermaids back in the 1950's and though she tries to be a mentor her character lasts shorter than Ritchie in Season 2 of Power Rangers the legacy of her character and that of her friends will be a plot point in the second season and while we won't see a proper Mentor character to teen Mermaids helping hone their abilities until Mako Mermaids, it was a nice attempt in doing so. In the meanwhile Zane tries to find out who saved him in the mid season which just so happens to be Rikki, Emma & Cleo also a mistake made Lewis finds the three with an antagonist that doesn't reveal itself until the final episodes Dr. Denman

After some filler the season comes to a close in the final two episodes of the season "Dr. Danger" & "A Twist In The Tail", Dr. Denham has found her way to Mako Island after capitalizing on Lewis' mistake , A team of Divers including Dr. Denham discover the pool leading to find out Rikki, Emma and Cleo are in fact mermaids, While Zane is conflicted towards the events, his father agrees to help fund Dr. Denham's expedition due to a failure of a plan to turn Mako Island into a family resort which was a plot from an earlier episode in this season. Not sure how that was going to work especially when you need a TON of clearances and permits. And drive another point home,didn't people say the Island is cursed? But seeing as how Zane's father is loaded I'm sure there was suitcases of bribery cash and politicians on the take involved in that transaction. But I digress the follow up in the season finale is glorious, Zane after discovering Rikki, Emma and Cleo were the Mermaids who saved him decide to return the favor by helping them and Lewis escape much to the chagrin of his father and Dr. Denham. Dr. Denham confronts the three with a proposal step in the pool tonight under the lunar eclipse or be continually hounded for scientific examination. The three acquiesce to Dr. Denham's demands and it appears that they've become human again. That is until..... (Cut to the three as they're surprised to see their tails have returned and Lewis tells the three what he thought would've happened and the three of them and Cleo in turn suspends Lewis over a fountain of water before fading to black then cutting to clips of Season One and James doing a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Over all Season one was a fun little romp of adventure, teenage hijinks, learning to adapt your life to the changes you don't see coming and even though there is environmentalism episode or three and it's understandable especially since everyone knows where both series are set. I also want to talk about the music. The incidental music used in the series is on track for a show like this, The opening theme song however I personally don't find it to be good but that's just my taste in music, if have a better ability to accept certain genre styles like the Opening theme then all the power to you! (Cut to Opening theme song for a few seconds before cutting back to clips of the season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): I also want to talk about the production design for both shows and boy howdy is it amazing specifically when it comes to the Mermaid tails, they had two different styled tails one for stationary shots and the other one was made for underwater stunts and I'm sure they were heavy with them being close to 35 lbs. and they had to add two feet onto the tail just to properly move the tails and when they needed to use special effects for the transformation and use of powers it was really impressive. (Cut to a black screen)

But as good as this season was, I feel me personally it could've had a better storyline. So it is here that I introduce the section I call... (The words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" as James' voice echoes those words before hearing stock Game Show Music as clips of the season play in the background and James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): While the first few episodes I would've kept the way they are I would've added another element of mystery, of someone watching them from a distance. By the first episode when the girls are in school they're assigned to marine biology, their teacher Mr. Jean-Dian tries to include himself sometimes rather unsubtly in order to offer advice and try to be helpful to Rikki, Emma and Cleo eventually earning their trust even asking the three of them to use hyperbole if the situation is something involving something mermaid related to help him understand the situation. By the middle of the season Rikki, Emma & Cleo receive hand written letters with incredible penmanship and wordsmithing.

After the events of the mid-season episode happen Rikki, Emma and Cleo acquiesce to the request of the letter and in the cave the person who wrote the letters to the three reveals who the person happens to be and says he's been watching them and while they've progressed slowly for his desires he's decided to drop the subterfuge and come out of the shadows, revealing himself to be Mr. Jean-Dian which happens to be a nom de plume and the name of the man who has been watching in the shadows is The Guardian. He may look young but he's a couple of centuries old and with the wisdom of ages he would teach them how to master not only the powers they've got when they first obtained their powers but also the powers they had not even thought they had yet to tap into and through those abilities being able to effectively stop Dr. Denham and Zane's Father or if it's a matter of the heart or something personal.

While Cleo and Lewis' relationship grows quickly as does Rikki and Zane's, The Guardian suggests the couples take it slow. While not getting into too much detail he does admit when he fell in love, it was possibly at the worst time eluding to a moment when darkness had covered the island and the relationship ended with her demise and it destroyed him inside but looking at the two couples gave him some feeling of hope and the season ends with the three fully accepting that they are mermaids and their world has been changed forever, ready to face whatever adversity comes their way together and accept changes for better or worse and The Guardian decides to stick around for the remainder of the series to assist the three as much as he can. And that ends this portion of... (The words "HOW I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT!" as James' voice echoes those words before cutting back to clips of the first season as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): If you liked the first season the way it was or my version of things, let me know in the comment section but let me say the following as to why I am doing the "How I would Have Written It" segment. I have a reason for this and when we get to the last season of Mako Mermaids, it will help clear up the mess in continuity this series will make when Mako Mermaids happen. But we'll get to them when they come. To me this season set up a good foundation for a new universe it opened and expansion into said universe will occur as will changes up the wazoo. But we'll get to that when we reach season 2! (Fade to Black before cutting to Cleo in the second episode having to hear she'll be late from her little sister before cutting to her recently transformed saying " It's OK, Kim. I'll walk." before cutting to Black)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Top Five "Good" Shia LaBeouf performances.

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching in the code 428 from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it, Blue cargo Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James leaping and running through moments from the 2016 calendar year of his reviews ranging from James morphing into his new suit for the first time, James getting slapped by Paulo, Mr. B Natural pop jump cutting into frame as James grabs Rowdy & The Nostalgia Kid as they scream in terror, Traci Hines shooting the Double Barreled handgun, Everyone trying to stop Eliza Dushku from using her switchblade knife on an unconscious Spoony, James blast jumps and Eliza rolls out of the way as an electrical pulse knocks out everyone else before cutting to the clip of The Moviebusters pulling out their Proton Pack blasters until the 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows the team line-up of the majority of 2015 walking towards the screen as the camera rises over to see the American Flag and James’ signal in the sky as before cutting to James as he jumps and pulls out a sonic screwdriver before cutting over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Andrew Beach, John Santos & Eric Kurtzke on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Ed Champion, Olivia Horvath, Renee Miller and Mike Santos on his left doing their own heroic poses on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his Office)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and…. (James Opens the Door to his office to the hallway outside) IT’S THE FOURTH ANNIVERSARY! (The Camera pans back to see the entire team with party streamers, Confetti before cutting to a fireworks and Ode To Joy play in the background before cutting to James and everyone in the hallway)

TLOTA: And guess what, It’s our first full original content for our new bosses at Manic Expression! So, this time we’ll let our audience choose the movie we should review. Should we… (Cut to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie currently in theaters as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): A) Recreate a movie while doing a review! (Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): B) Do a review of a movie everyone likes and I could recommend watching. (Less Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): C) Do a review of a movie no one likes and I like. (Even less Sparse clapping is heard before cutting to an image of the team dressed as characters of a movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Or D) Something involving Shia LaBeouf! (Wild applause and clapping is heard before cutting to James as he looks through the video library)

TLOTA: I knew you would make me do something featuring him. Now to pick out one that features Shia that doesn’t involve Crystal Skulls or Transformers so… (James scats silently until he finds what he’s looking for and Nick shouts FORE off screen and several DVD cover falls out of the library and James picks them up)

TLOTA: Okay so there are a few choices for me to chose from. So we're going to check out these five out and we'll see which one we can find the one we can get the most review material for. (James hits play on the remote on the DVD player before cutting to black and the words "Five Movies Later" appear on-screen before cutting to everyone being carted off to the funny farm save for James.)

TLOTA: See you guys next month! So Yeah! I didn't think that they could handle five movies featuring Shia LaBeouf but after watching so many of his movies, who knew I'd find of all things five movies where he'd shine as a star?! (Cut to clips of Shia LaBeouf movies as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's not to say I'll ever fully like EVERYTHING in the movies he's in or say he's a good actor. The truth still remains he as an actor is HORRENDOUS! But if history is any indicator he'll be in the straight to DVD Z-Grade movies in a few years. (Cut to James in his office)

TLOTA: So it is with that in mind and I PRAY for forgiveness from the Cinema gods on this one with the Top 5 "Good" performances of... Just play the intro, I can't physically say it (Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the words The Top Five Good Performances of Shia LaBeouf before it fades away and the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Five

5) Bobby

TLOTA (Voiceover): In this bio-pic of Bobby Kennedy Shia plays a character named Cooper who while on an acid trip was trying to assist Bobby Kennedy before his assassination in the Ambassador Hotel. While Critics ravaged the movie. I personally found the movie more engaging and more entertaining than Oliver Stone's JFK movie ever could be. Emilio Estevez shows he has the ability to make an awesome movie and in turn make Shia an actor. Who knew that was possible? But he was able to put out a good performance in a better movie that JFK. A good start to a good set of performances in this countdown.

(Cut to Shia LaBeouf as his face spins in the center of a hypnowheel as the chorus to "Combine Harvester" plays as it shows clips of Shia LaBeouf actually acts or comes close to it before the number comes up and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Four

4) Holes

TLOTA (Voiceover): His first big project since Even Stevens ended. Shia plays Stanley Yelnats the fourth cursed with bad luck he's falsely arrested for stealing sneakers meant to be sold to charity and sentenced to a summer detention camp where they make the prisoners dig holes and anything they find gets them a day off. In the meanwhile Stanley befriends the ancestor of the person who cursed his entire family generations ago and through the course of the movie Shia's performance stands out in what could've been just another kiddie movie into one of Disney's good live action movies but that's not saying much. Most of Disney's Live Action Movies are hit or miss depending on which movies you like.

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Three

3) The Company You Keep

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shia plays a young reporter who discovers a well respected lawyer in Albany played by Robert Redford and the further Shia goes into the subject the further he sees how dark his subject's past is involving murder and domestic terrorism and believe it or not Shia LaBeouf can do something I never thought possible he underplayed his role and it worked towards Shia's performance. Not hurting the performance is the fact is Robert Redford produced and directed this movie so Shia probably had to straighten up and fly right and when he did that, Shia actually performed less like what we knew him for and actually found himself giving a decent performance.

(The sound of a brick hitting glass is heard before cutting to James physically as he looks out the window and the thought "PANTS TO BE DARKENED" is coming to his mind before turning to the audience)

TLOTA: And now I need to take a break because I think I hear an angry mob of my fellow Internet Reviewers...(The audio of Asalieri screaming "STRING HIM UP BY HIS PO-POS AND WHACK HIM LIKE A PINATA!" is heard) Okay I stand corrected it IS an angry mob of my fellow Internet Reviewers ready to put me out to pasture!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to James shouts off screen "Alright I promise! Now please Disperse! Put away the Pitchforks, Torches, Shotguns and every other weapon you have!" before James returns his office)

TLOTA: Okay, now that I have avoided an internet lynching and public bobitizing let's get back to work!

TLOTA (Voiceover): Number Two

2) "Just Do It"

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah, this internet video of him ranting and raving about doing something, ANYTHING you want to is actually as far as I'm concerned is one of his better performances. He tries to sound try to hardcore but dude the guy is funny. Possibly better than his daytime Emmy award winning award winning role of Louis Stevens. He went so far off the rails he actually got me a smile is actually worthy of being worthy of being good enough to be put on this list so give a watch and (Shia shouts "JUST DO IT!" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Okay, Fine! Let's get to...

TLOTA (Voiceover): The Number one "Good" performance of Shia LaBeouf is...

1) The Greatest Game Ever Played

TLOTA (Voiceover): Shia LaBeouf plays Francis Ouimet the first amateur golfer to win the U.S. Open in 1913 and he had to face it while everyone looked at him as trash for not being a rich person to play. You see Golf was different back in 1913 and how do I know this? I had help guess who watched this movie with me?!

(Cut to Nick and Rebecca Yaun talking about Golf and the facts about Francis Ouimet as James nods and writes down the notes from the movie and then Nick and Rebecca adding more notes before James' seat in the couch collapses and the couch folds in on itself and launching Nick towards the back room and Rebecca towards the front door and all three say "Ow!" before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What surprised me was that Shia actually put that manic energy instead of acting like a over hyper active four year old partly due to the late Bill Paxton directing this one. I guess he was able to connect to Shia and made him able to focus on putting a good performance and it shows! He actually connected to audiences and critics. He did so good even I'll admit he put out a Good enough of a performance to make it the Number one "Good" Performance of Shia LaBeouf's career. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And those are the only Good performances of Shia LaBeouf and after four years I think I've tapped the Shia LaBeouf well dry and I think that might be a good thing! (Cut to past clips of James talking about Shia LaBeouf as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Because honestly while I'll never believe he can earn an academy award for his acting. Talking about what has now been considered a dead horse for a while can be grueling and believe it or not I don't hate the guy personally his movies can be a chore to get through and while I hope he eventually does learn how to fully act, I'm not gonna hold my breath as I move forward in my career. But for now, Shia whatever you do in your life PLEASE do it well enough that it doesn't involve Hollywood for a while anyways. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! (Cut to James as he's working on the next review as Rebecca Yaun knocks on his door.)

TLOTA: It's open Rebecca! (Cut to Rebecca as she opens the door and sits down in front of James.)

Rebecca Yaun: How did you know it was me?

TLOTA: Well you, Olivia and Brenda are the only ones who knock. Listen, I've been hearing from a couple of others that you might be well no other way of saying it Jealous of Felicia.

Rebecca Yaun: I'm not jealous of her. I'm worried for you. The first time you were in a relationship it didn't end well, the second time, Heck every relationship ended for you in heartbreak! I just didn't want it to happen to you again. Now you obsess over her, that letter behind you and I am afraid for you.

TLOTA: Rebecca, I have parents and siblings who are disapproving of me and Felicia. The last thing I need are my friends acting the same.

Rebecca Yaun: But what exactly do you know about her? Nothing... AT ALL! You don't even know her last name, how old she is, who she is as a person, anything. For all you know she could be someone. James, all I'm asking is you take it slow, please! (Rebecca starts to walk away and James looks at the letter.)

TLOTA: She's had dreams. (Rebecca turns around)

Rebecca Yaun: Of What?

TLOTA: Water, Mermaids, and an Island.

Rebecca Yaun: And you're thinking it's a sign. You are thinking Felicia is her.

TLOTA: I honestly don't know if it is her or not. Maybe it's coincidence, maybe it's not but I'm gonna play this one close to the chest. I have to, I'm getting on in years. You're married to Nick, Paulo is married to Brenda. The others... I try not to pry to far into everyone's lives but when I ask how are things with them, I mean well and I honestly do want to know what's going on with them but I try not to be too intrusive and try to keep out of their affairs unless they ask for my help. Otherwise, you know how I am.

Rebecca Yaun: And that's why I truly hope the best for you but I really am going to suggest you listen to us. We don't want to see you get hurt and when you get hurt, you dive into your work to numb the pain and when that happens everyone suffers. Please promise me that if it doesn't work out you'll find something else to fill in the time and we'll still do this and we keep it fun.

TLOTA: Okay, I promise. (James and Rebecca shake hands then hug on it and Rebecca walks out again.) Rebecca... (Rebecca turns around again) Thanks for looking out for me.

Rebecca Yaun: No problem. (Rebecca closes the door behind her as James goes back to work before James turns off the next review and James opens the picture of Felicia as the two are happy after going out for a dinner date at James' home as the two enjoy dinner and James has an inquisitive look on his face.)

TLOTA: ORAC, how long would it take before you could figure out if Felicia is her?

ORAC (Audio only): The exact time would be incalculable.

TLOTA: Well the second you do find out contact me. Even if I'm in the middle of a review.

ORAC (Audio only): Wouldn't it be considered bad etiquette to do so?

TLOTA: I'll check it out during the break. Otherwise start working on it. (James looks as the letter and Emmalina's amulet reacts to the photo of Felicia .) Who are you Felicia?

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Why do we allow trolling?

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Cut to classic South Park intro then clips of the 20th season as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The recent season of "South Park" got me back into watching the series after they had attacked people with Autism and Aspergers' having been diagnosed with it when I was a teen and had a few good storylines going for it to bring me back to the series, one of them being Kyle's dad being a troll and what I had hoped that for his character would be to suffer all the indignities that would befall being a troll. But sadly apparently Donald Trump's victory over Hillary Clinton changed every storyline and forced the writers to apparently say being a Troll is okay. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: Uhhhhhhh NO! NO IT IS NOT ALRIGHT TO BE A TROLL! A troll is the lowest form of scum on the Internet! They should NOT get away with trying to force their thoughts and opinions and basically live off of hatred! I should know, I used to be one. I'd troll the Christy Romano message boards with no regard for the consequences. It wasn't until it was so too late that I realized I had become the lowest form of scum and I looked in the mirror one day and I said to myself, I HAD to be better than I was! I HAD to evolve from when I did, I couldn't keep doing this without hurting the people closest to me including my parents, my siblings and my nieces. I quit cold turkey and I decided then and there to better myself and since then I've tried to be better and worked hard to do so and while I did eventually become better and while my personal life has improved and my professional life is somewhat better. However I still see the fact some try to cater to that audience. (Cut to trailers of the DCCU as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And sadly it has made those who love movies and superhero movies suffer. I've seen from trailers in the DCCU still get nothing but hate. I still see comments without regard to filmmaker Zack Snyder every time I see the previews to "Man Of Steel", "Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice", "Suicide Squad", "Wonder Woman" & the pre-previews to "Justice League" hoping nothing but the worst for him professionally and personally and after his recent personal tragedy I and everyone else in the on-line world with a hint of human dignity showed Zack the proper decorum and human decency he deserved even Walter Banasiak who has played Zack in several of the Nostalgia Critic's reviews has shown decency towards the man he portrayed because it was the right thing to do he said it himself "For the record, I know people like my impression of the man, but I hope you realize it was never a personal attack. Just because some of us disagree with how he portrays famous fictional characters doesn't mean there's any ill will towards him personally." end quote (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: So why do we allow trolls to keep being trolls? When are trolls going to get that what they're doing is harmful to everyone's well being? (Cut to the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit episode "Real Fake News" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): A recent episode of "Law & Order: SVU" episode took a look at the harm of making fake news and trolling and how it harmed people and at the end of the episode the guy hides behind the claim he's a journalist! No, he made these stories probably just to get back for what he feels was lousy treatment at the restaurant and saw how someone in higher standing was treated better. Here's an idea, instead of making fake news hoping the people you hurt will treat you with respect, try to treat those who do things for others better including your take out order. Instead Lieutenant Benson played by Marishka Hargitay tells him he trolls anyone in her Unit or their children again and his life will end! While it does make Lieutenant Benson look stronger, it also could have a negative repercussion which for the patron who was a high ranking elected official ended in him being murdered in cold blood and the restauranteur's reputation undeniably ruined and what happens to the guy who started the whole mess? It's never known. It's possible he got charged with facilitating a murder but we never got that closure. For all I know he's still trolling and making fake news. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: There should be laws against trolling or at least if the trolling leads to irreparable damage to someone's livelihood and if there are, why aren't they doing anything to give the trolls what they deserve. (Cut to clips of "Douchey McNitpick" as he trolls The Nostalgia Critic as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): That's not to say I wish death on them, I just want them to hope they see that what they're doing is harmful to everyone around them and see the damage they cause and eventually try to better themselves. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I do hope they try to see what they've been doing is harmful and realize it before it's too late and for those like Gerald Broflovski from South Park who calls what he's doing satire, No it is not. Satire reflects our society and holds it up to a comedic mirror with a positive light and makes fun of it, when it's done right. When it's done wrong it's what you do and Doing it for the LOLs does not make it right! No matter how you try to rationalize it. What Gerald did was not right. Don't do what Gerald did. Do what is right and for those who are now trolling because of Gerald, listen to the words of a former troll. One day you have to look at yourself in a mirror. Are you going to like what you see or are you going to come to the same realization I did. I hope you do come to the realization that what you're doing is wrong and you wake up. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I'm a former troll.

Monday, May 15, 2017

"3 Tails", I lose!

TLOTA: Really? Are you guys sure? I mean, You guys do realize that for me this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I mean it is not one of the best movies ever made! The only good thing I CAN say is that they put Effort into their endeavor and I mean this with all my heart, they tried! They tried so hard to do something good but HOOOOO BOY! I feel so bad ripping into this one! I Really do as a matter of fact… (Cut to James walking to the main lobby)

TLOTA: Hey guys if you want to…. (Cut to an empty main lobby) ORAC! Where did everybody go?

ORAC (Audio only): The rest of the team left a message for you on your tablet. (James gets his tablet before cutting to the screen of the tablet where Brenda is talking to James but in the background Paulo is grabbing fishing gear, Nick Yaun is grabbing his Golf Clubs, Rebecca Yaun is grabbing things she can get her hands on, John & Mike Santos are grabbing Gym Gear, Olivia Horvath, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach are grabbing weapons and Renee Miller is just doing goofy things until Brenda ends her message)

Brenda Fonseca: Hey James, listen if you’re wondering where we are we decided to take some time off. We’ll be back in time for the Anniversary review next month but for now we need some time away. We’re not ungrateful, far from it, it’s just that well… knowing how bad this Pila de mierda is, we figure you’re better off handling this on your own.

The rest (Off Screen): HURRY UP HE’S COMING!

Brenda Fonseca: ¡Nos vemos luego gilipollas! (Cut to James sitting on the couch in the main lobby)

TLOTA: So, I’m on my own this time! Unless… (James steps out of his site to go to the “Life As A Mermaid” YouTube Page and a video by Julia Alexa Miller telling people of their Patreon as James walks onto the video’s page and knocks on the video.)

Julia Alexa Miller: Oh, hey you’re…

TLOTA: James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.

Julia Alexa Miller: Oh yeah, how’s it going James?

TLOTA: Not good there’s this movie I’m trying to avoid, you’ve got anything interesting?

Julia Alexa Miller: Uh, not until May 26^th.

TLOTA: Oh, Okay, can’t wait for season three!

Julia Alexa Miller: Well, you and your audience can help by supporting our Patreon, Link Here: https://www.patreon.com/lifeasamermaid

TLOTA: Okay, well I’ll make sure the people who check this out will go to help, check you guys out May 26^th! Later!

Julia Alexa Miller: Bye James! (Cut to James walking into a “James & Mike Monday” video.)

TLOTA: Say guys you’ve got anything interesting doing I’ve got a review of a movie I don’t want to do.

Mike Matei: Sorry but you’re on your own.

TLOTA: Okay, thanks, I guess. (Cut to James back in his office.)

TLOTA: Let’s do this. (Cut to “The 3 Tails Movie: A Mermaid Adventure” opening credit then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I really, REALLY did not like this! I mean, there was effort put into this and you can tell everyone is trying their hearts out, bless them but yeah, this is worse than month old rotten Ceviche. The environmental message they try to convey is SO hap hazardously bad “Captain Planet & The Planeteers ” are looking and laughing at how lame it’s being done. Seriously “Manos: The Hands Of Fate”, “Birdemic”, “The Room”, “FoodFight”, “The Oogieloves” & “Jem & The Holograms” are looking at this and saying to themselves “We’re the Worst?” and again, I DON’T want to sound like some old curmudgeon I tried in earnest to watch this movie and I really want to give the people the credit they deserve for trying and putting effort into this movie which is essentially an extension on a YouTube series and if you haven’t seen it, check that out BEFORE you see this movie. That way you know what you’re getting yourself into. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And since my back is against the wall, let’s dive into “The 3 Tails: A Mermaid Adventure” (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As our movie begins we’re introduced to our heroines and forgive me if I don’t know their names because if the movie can’t bother to give us backstory and introduce us to the three properly then why should I know the characters’ names. Any who the three heroines played by Natasha & Sophia Garretón and their friend Marlena Lerner as they babysit a kid. (Show clip of the three of them babysitting a kid as they say they showed the kid “The Hunger Games” before cutting to James taking a spit take!)

TLOTA: NO! NO! NO! My youngest niece is Four at the time of this post! FOUR! EVEN I WOULDN’T SHOW HER “THE HUNGER GAMES” AND YOU SHOWED IT TO SOMEONE TWICE HER AGE?! (James puls out a notepad) Note to self: NEVER hire these three to look over my youngest niece! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, after hearing THAT the three decide to take the kid to the park as one of the three think they may be watched and we can notice who is following them because she RIGHT FREAKING THERE! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE AS BLIND AS RAY CHARLES AND STEVIE WONDER NOT TO SEE HER RIGHT THERE IN FRAME BEHIND YOU! But the three have more pressing matters as they’ve developed a rash of scales in certain areas. Just be careful of the crabs! (Cut to James as an audience boos and James says, “OH COME ON! COME ON!” before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): But enough drama, it’s time for fun in the park which lasts about five, six seconds at best? We then find the three find an eeeevil envelope! How do we know it’s evil because it’s as black as Metallica’s self-titled album cover! The kid’s brother picks her up and good freaking night the pace is as slow as a sea turtle on land. We soon see a Russian? Spanish? A housekeeper complains about how “Kids dress these days” and how one of the three is prepping to dress for the first day of school and… really is this part of the actual plot of a movie on Netflix? I’ve watched better plots from a Netflix movie starring Adam Sandler! (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for being this harsh but COME ON! GIVE ME SOMETHING! ANYTHING! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Well, okay tomorrow the three are going onto a field trip to an Aquarium. Even though it’d be the second day of school! I’m sorry but does your teachers’ administration board look something like this? (Cut to James and his team dressed like they came out of the funny farm as James jumps in a circle guffawing, Rebecca and Nick Yaun waddle like penguins while saying Gnark! Ed Champion and Andrew Beach running head first into a wall, Olivia Horvath spinning around in an office chair, Paulo Fonseca, John Santos, Mike Santos tases themselves in the head, Brenda Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and Renee Miller bonk each other in the head with rubber mallets for five seconds as crazy sound effects play in the background before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): As the teacher tries to put some enthusiasm into the performances of the characters, GOOD LUCK ON THAT! They also hammer on their environmental message in the same way Shaymalan did in “The Happening” (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AGAIN, I AM SORRY BUT IF I’M NOT HONEST WITH MYSELF THEN I’M DOING MYSELF A DISSERVICE BY JUST SAYING THEY’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): So, it’s off to the Aquarium where we’re introduced to Aquarium Worker Stereotype number 35 who try to tell us that Kelp Forests are cool the movie officially out un subtle themselves so badly that “The Day After Tomorrow” is thinking these people are nuts! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: AND AGAIN, I AM SORRY FOR ME BEING THIS BLUNT BUT IF THE MOVIE ACTS LIKE THIS, WHY CAN’T I? (James sighs) I need a break we’ll be right back! ha! WE’LL be right back! I forgot, I’m flying solo this time, there’s no one here but me and at least you my audience will be back I hope, Right?! (A Cursor tries to go for the X mark before James grabs a handgun and shoots it making the same dying and dropping noise in “Duck Hunt” and James picks it up making the successful bagging sound and action before cutting 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return to the movie while James does a voice over)

TLOTA (Voiceover): During one point in the field trip one of our three heroines discovers she can summon fish like Aquaman, A security guard calls someone while green bubbling and smoking chemicals are behind the guy so the unsubtle meter is flying off the charts! We soon discover he’s working for an EEEVIL Scientist and how do we know he’s a scientist, he’s wearing a lab coat! But we soon discover that the stalker is coming in the middle of the night and instead of showing us this, they talk about it. As a matter of fact, everyone is starting to wonder what’s so special about them as I’m wondering where the freaking plot is! Well we soon see our three deciding to head up to a weekend beach house to relax and unwind and not tell their parents just try desperately to develop these characters but unless you’ve seen the web series this movie is based on you can’t develop these characters unless you know about the characters! And this is one of the problems I’ve had about this being an extension of a web series, not everyone will know about the show. They didn’t set up ANY time in the beginning of this movie to introduce us to our mermaid characters properly so newer audiences aren’t gonna know who the three are and what the situation is and bring everyone is up to speed. Oh well, after a great moment of the three being mermaids they head for land that night when the three are abducted. Let’s just say if the parents knew about it, they’d bring this guy in! (Cut to James dressed and sounding like Bryan Mills from the first “Taken” movie)

Bryan Mills (Played by James Faraci): I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let them go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. (Cut to Dr. Insano)

Dr. Insano: Uh I just wanted to see if I could interest you in signing on as a subscriber to my “How to take over the world through the power of Science” monthly news periodical. All I said was “Is this the house of one Bryan Mills and if he would be interested in subscribing to my monthly periodical about How To Take Over The World Through The Power Of Science!” WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM? (Cut to movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The three are taken to a boat and kidnapped and one is forcibly transformed so they can take a DNA sample and if Mermaid blood looked like green apple jelly you know the budget is so low “Electra Elf & Fluffer” is looking and thinking “We’ve got better production value and we were Public Access!” (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA: AND AGAIN, I AM SO SORRY TO COMPARE THIS TO SOME OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS I’VE HEARD AND WROTE ABOUT, I AM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY TRYING MY BEST TO BE AS FAIR AS I HUMANLY CAN! BUT THIS IS AS DUMB AS FREAKING DUMB CAN GET! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): And our heroines are so dumb that the one who is untied doesn’t think about untying her friends UNTIL they say something and plan an escape but NOPE! We see one of the two they didn’t extrapolate that green apple jelly Mermaid DNA finally use their brains to escape and eventually find someone with the brains God gave a sea slug to help them and get the freaking COAST GUARD. Meanwhile our Evil Scientist thinks he solved how the mermaid’s DNA works and for what end is his diabolical plan? A cure for paralysis so her daughter can walk and swim again or at the very least have a tail! (An audience goes Awww! Before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: And ONCE AGAIN I AM SORRY I CAN’T JUST UP AND SAY THIS MOVIE SUCKS AND BE ANGRY ABOUT IT AND TEAR IT APART! BECAUSE IT IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE BETTER THAN WHAT IT IS AND I FEEL SO TERRIBLE INSIDE IT’S GOING TO MAKE ME SICK!

TLOTA (Voiceover): I’m going to TRY and wrap this up as quickly as I can. After getting chewed out the one who escaped gets a call from the other two, the authorities arrest the female kidnapper, our three heroines help the little girl by making sure her Scientist father isn’t carted away and the movie ends with the one whose Mermaid DNA was taken gives an exposition dump and then a much better way to convey their environmental message without pretending to be a watermelon at a Gallagher concert! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And once again, I WHOLLY APOLOGIZE FOR MY HONESTY! But this movie stinks worse than rotten clams! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a summery voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): While this is shot nicely, for the most part, the acting either comes off too bland and uninterested or too hammy. The environmental message is about as Unsubtly conveyed as it could get and if you didn’t know this was an extension of a Web series on YouTube then you will not get this movie at all! The only good things I can say about this movie is that it is thankfully short and they put all their effort and enthusiasm behind this project to the best of their abilities and their limited budget. But all the effort and all the best of meanings doesn’t make this a good movie. But do I think you should check it out at least once for giggles and squids? Absolutely! Give this movie a watch and please applaud their trying to make a movie with an environmental message featuring mermaids that tried. Then go see “Life As A Mermaid” and ask for forgiveness! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and I’m sorry for being harsh on this movie and for those who worked on this movie who see this review please forgive me for being so harsh! (Fade to black before cutting to sometime later in main lobby as everyone came back to prep the props for his next anniversary review and a girl he met comes into the front door and looks around.)

John Santos: Can we help you? (The girl jumps back a bit.)

The Girl: Uh yeah, I don’t know why but I felt I needed to be here. (Cut to James and Olivia as they chat about the rest of 2017 before James’ attention is drawn to the girl.)

TLOTA: Felicia?! Hey how have you been, it feels like it’s been forever! Oh guys, this is Felicia. Felicia, this is Paulo Fonseca and his wife Brenda, Nick Yaun and his wife Rebecca, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, Eric Kurtzke and Andrew Beach. (Everyone else says either “Hey there” or “Hi” or “Hello”)

Eric Kurtzke: So how did you two meet?

Felicia: At the Dump, I had too much Garbage and James offered to help, he told me who he was and wondered if I would like to come by and see the place.

TLOTA: And I for one am GLAD you came by. Wait until you see ORAC and my time and space device. (James and Felicia walk away)

Rebecca Yaun: You know, I’m worried.

Paulo Fonseca: What about sis?

Rebecca Yaun: What do we know about her?

Nick Yaun: Well, only what James has said about her.

Brenda Fonseca: I know you and Paulo are protective of him as much as his parents and siblings are but aren’t you being a little over protective? He’s 35 and he deserves something.

Rebecca Yaun: Maybe. Olivia, did you sense something off about her?

Olivia Horvath: No, she’s seems like James’ fit.

Renee Miller: Rebecca, you were there when things fell apart for him so were we. All of James’ family pretty much left him to take care of his parents and what’s worse was when they flaunted what he wanted. The love of a good person, a family of his own to take care of, a career he can enjoy doing and a life of his own.

Rebecca Yaun: Yeah but…

Mike Santos: Rebecca, we’re worried but we must trust his judgements. (Rebecca continues to look pensive as James and Felicia look in the back room and the two have a laugh.)