(A Hand pulling a
card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of
The Americans while putting it into the Robo Knight Robo Morpher and punching
in the code 428 then cut to James jumping down a cliff from the 0:00-0:03 mark
from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04
mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James
Faraci landing and fully morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans
basic mode with his Long sleeve Tee-Shirt with the American flag design on it,
Blue cargo Jeans and Black Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the
final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James fighting
alongside the 2017 Power Rangers Movie Power Rangers at the 0:13 mark from the
theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:14-0:17 show
Rebecca Yaun as Wonder Woman and Nick
Yaun as Steve Trevor charging the screen before cutting to John and Mike Santos
peeling out in The DeLorean From “Back To The Future” before cutting to the
0:17-0:19 mark as it shows Paulo & Brenda Fonseca taking a joyride in KITT
from “Knight Rider” in Super Pursuit Mode before cutting to the 0:20-0:28 mark
as we see Eric Kurtzke, Ed Champion and Andrew Beach flying the USS Enterprise
from “Star Trek” (2009) and Olivia Horvath flying The Orville as it cuts to the
0:28 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows
when James stands on top of his Time and Space device and tosses his sonic
screwdriver then cuts over to multiple clips from the past five years of “The
Last Of The Americans” reviews as the Sonic Screwdriver flips end over end as
the 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators
original run plays when James grabs it while on top of a slab while doing a
heroic pose with Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, John & Mike Santos, Eric
Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath on his right and Rebecca & Nick Yaun, Renee Miller,
Andrew Beach & Ed Champion on his left doing their own heroic poses on a
black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of
American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and
everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it
before cutting to James getting ready to enter the John Wayne Memorial Airport
while the opening music from “Airplane” by Elmer Bernstein plays in the
background before the music cuts abruptly to see James find Ted & Elaine from
“Airplane” being romantic.)
TLOTA:
Ted? Elaine? (Cut to Ted and Elaine)
Ted & Elaine (In
Unison):
Hey James! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
What are you guys doing? (Cut to Ted and Elaine)
Ted:
Well, it’s not only the anniversary of the flight that reunited us for good,
it’s our wedding anniversary. 35 years and still going strong.
Elaine:
And every year we take a flight to someplace quiet and romantic. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Groovy. Where are the two of you going this year? (Cut to Ted and Elaine)
Ted & Elaine (In
Unison):
North Korea! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Well, Allllllllllllllllrighty then! I’ve got my own flight to catch. (The music
returns just as abruptly as James makes his way to his flight as he’s accosted
by Hare Krishnas who works on James’ sanity until he Inspector Willoughby
tosses a Hare Krishna, just as James takes his seat the romantic music from
“Airplane” plays as James discovers he’s seated next to Julia Alexa Miller)
Julia Alexa Miller:
James?
TLOTA:
Alex! What are you doing on this flight?
Julia Alexa Miller:
I’m prepping for some photo shoots, Seeing if we can film some scenes in "Life As A Mermaid" around your neck of the woods. You?
TLOTA:
I’m heading home. (Cut to the Airline Flight Attendants played by Olivia
Horvath, Brenda Fonseca and Rebecca Yaun give the passengers the instructions
before cutting to the fight staff played by Paulo Fonseca, Eric Kurtzke and
Renee Miller before cutting to the plane taking off then cutting to the coach cabin
area of the plane where James and Julia Alexa Miller are sitting.)
TLOTA:
So what’s the in-flight entertainment?
Julia Alexa Miller:
The Woody Woodpecker Movie.
TLOTA:
Woody Woodpecker?! I LOVE THAT LITTLE RED HEADED DEVILISH DERVISH OF
DESTRUCTION AND DEMOLITION! Let’s watch it! (Cut to a black screen as the words
“One Viewing Later” are seen as it cuts to James being stopped by Alex as he
tries to head for the door to exit the plane that’s in mid-flight.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
JAMES, STOP RIGHT NOW!
TLOTA:
NO! It’s the only way to get the memory of this ungodly abomination out of my
head!
Julia Alexa Miller:
JAMES WAIT A SECOND, I’m sure there must be another way. Wait one moment. Okay,
how many of you were disappointed by the movie we just saw! (Cut to the Coach
Cabin as everyone raises their hands before cutting to Julia Alexa Miller.)
Okay, would you like to take part in a live review with an Internet Reviewer?
(Everyone shouts YEAH!) Okay then, Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Mr. James
Faraci The Last Of The Americans! (Everyone in the cabin applauds as James
makes his way to the Microphone and his voice is distorted before James uses
his Sonic Screwdriver to clear up the audio.)
TLOTA:
There, that’s better! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views
that I’m about to express are that of my own and possibly everyone on this
plane who saw what we just saw! (Ugh) I think Hollywood has driven the whole
live action remake of classic cartoon characters so far into the ground that
it’s eating General Tso’s Chicken! (Cut to covers of Live Action movies
starring CGI recreation of classic characters as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, I think we’ve pretty much done everything possible to ruin our childhood
icons. The movies based on Hanna-Barbera Cartoon characters, Alvin & The
Chipmunks, The Smurfs, Marmaduke, the Garfield movies, the Transformers, G.I.
Joe and so many more that have pretty much made us want to do everything in our
power to find our favorite classics and ignore the newer crap. (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
And the most recent one to now suffer is sadly Woody Woodpecker! (Cut to
classic cartoon clips of Woody Woodpecker as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Created by Walter Lantz after his honeymoon was ruined by a woodpecker who did
his duty non-stop. Woody first appeared in the Andy Panda short “Knock Knock” and
quickly became a favorite of kids and adults being on par with Bugs, Daffy,
Elmer, Tweety, Sylvester, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Tom & Jerry and
Droopy. As a matter of fact, Woody had some top-notch animation icons from
Disney, MGM & Warner Brothers worked on the character including Alex Lovey
& Tex Avery. He’s been performed by legendary voice actors like Billy West
and Walter Lantz’s wife Grace Stafford. So, after a long furlough away from the
public eye of course Universal would make a movie featuring the character
fifteen years after their last attempt to bring the character back to prominence. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And seeing all of us here just saw what has just happened we all need to either
turn this plane into a suicide bomber taking out all of Hollywood or the usual
route when something like this happens. (Cut to Opening Credit of 2018 Live Action
Woody Woodpecker movie before cutting to clips of the movie as the theme from
the 1980’s syndicated Woody Woodpecker Show theme plays in the foreground as
James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
If this isn’t the nail in the coffin when it comes to live action movies
starring animated icons of the past then nothing will stop it. The plot is all
over the place, the acting in on par for one of these types of movies,
everything about this movie just points to one thing…DEATH! No Joke if you
decide for some demented and twisted reason decide to buy the movie on DVD the first
few seconds of the music on the main menu sounds like a funeral dirge! That
should be a sign that we’re in for a WHOLE world of pain! (Cut to James
physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s not wait forever for the evil that is The Woody Woodpecker Movie! (Cut
to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As our movie begins we’re introduced to Woody Woodpecker voiced by… (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA:
One second, Alex hand me my Tablet. (James gets his tablet and types in Woody
Woodpecker’s voice actor.) Eric Bauza and if I’m right he’s…! Oh my god! HE’S
NOT A FAMOUS ACTOR! HE’S A VOICEOVER ARTIST! WOO-HOO! (Cut to clips of other
movies featuring Animated Icons as they’re being voiced by celebrities as James
does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
There has been a trend for celebrities to lend their voices to portray classic
characters. But this is one thing I give this movie credit for doing, using
actual voiceover artists playing the character. Believe me, it was distracting
to hear Jason Lee as Underdog or Amy Poehler, Anna Faris and Christina
Applegate as The Chipettes and the less said about Dan Aykroyd’s performance as
Yogi Bear the better. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
However there are other things that send this movie into rage inducing
territory like recycling other plots from these movies. Shall we go over them?
(Cut to the movie as “The Chicken Dance” plays over the clips as it goes to
movies that have similar plot points to The Woody Woodpecker Movie. Before
cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re soon introduced to Lance Walters played by NO! NO! BAD LASSIE! BAD! BAD!
BAD LASSIE! WHY DID YOU SIGN ON TO DO THIS MOVIE TIMOTHY OMUNDSON?! Actually, I know exactly why, Timothy Omundson was on vacation with his
family and Alex Zamm saw he was there waiting for “Psych: The Movie” to be developed, waved a huge paycheck to him and he signed on no questions
asked. But I digress, Lance is a recently fired lawyer who decides to head on
up to his grandfather’s property with his young hot Sofia Vergara looking
fiancรฉe named Vanessa to build a place, flip it for cash and start his own law
firm. Meanwhile his ex-wife hands Lance his kid and… WAIT A MINUTE! (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA:
I hate doing back to back jokes when I do a review but this time around it must
be done. Let’s go over the stock clichรฉs for this type of film. (Cut to clips
of the movie as it does a checklist of clichรฉs that are prevalent in these
types of movies as the Woody Woodpecker theme song from the 1999 Woody
Woodpecker show before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Something else to note, Woody at times will break the fourth wall to address
the audience. Remind you of anyone else? (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I SAID, “REMIND YOU OF ANYONE ELSE?” (An airline stewardess who looks like
James’ cousin Circe hands James a phone before cutting to Deadpool being played
by Cambell Dodson poolside)
Deadpool:
Yeah, I watched the movie you saw and no! You may have paid me my usual fee and
all the chimichangas I can eat and then I decided No! Not worth getting off my
ass and not being compared to another red headed bastard! Peace out needle
dick! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Lance, his fiancรฉe Vanessa and Lance’s kid makes it to a place I consider
paradise which just so happens to have a crystal-clear stream with plenty of
fresh water suitable for fishing, enough quiet land for woodland creatures to
thrive upon even after the hunting seasons are over Lance wants to build… (Show
the clip in which Lance and Vanessa show the repulsive eyesore of a McMansion)
that monstrosity! After seeing what they are planning Lance’s kid decides to
hit the forest and meets up with our CGI Red-Headed Nightmare and befriends and
gives Woody his name. As Lance’s kid comes back Woody joins him leading to
Family Friendly Movie Clichรฉ No.428: Fart Jokes and unfunny slapstick (Show
clip of Woody Farting whist doing his signature laugh as Lance is trying to
smack Woody and hit Vanessa before cutting to James physically as he
sarcastically mockingly Woody Woodpecker’s laugh before cutting back to the
movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Lance begins to build his house Woody decides to be the only character
actively fighting the crew tooth and nail leading to EVEN more unfunny slapstick
including pooping on Vanessa and dumping concrete on Lance and Vanessa.
Meanwhile Lance’s Kid goes into town as we see generic female kid equivalent to
Lance’s kid give Lance’s kid a guitar if Lance’s kid plays in her band and gets
harassed by generic bullies who do nothing else in the movie except be targets
for Woody and are never seen again. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Generic characters for when you can’t come up with any originality at all. (Cut
to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Lance hires Waspinator from “Beast Wars: Transformers” and Michael Amar
from “Arrow” to get rid of Woody. I’m not even joking, those are the actors
behind the characters. Scott McNeill from such shows like “Beast Wars:
Transformers”, “Reboot”, and the voice of Wolverine in “X-Men: Evolution” and Adrian
McMorran the actor behind Dylan from
“Dark Angel”, “Inias” from “Supernatural” & “Jeremy Creek” from the Pilot of
“Smallville” are the villains in this movie. Their first tag-team attempt ends
with the Redneck Brothers foiled and Lance ending up electrocuted! (Cut to
James physically)
TLOTA:
I don’t know if I should be surprised by how much talent is in this movie or
how they're being made to be targets for Woody.
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyhow, construction slows down to a crawl and Woody blows the RV up nearly
killing Vanessa in the process. Finally, Vanessa has had enough and leaves. Adiรณs
y Vaya con el Diablo you Sofia Vergara knockoff! (The footage shakes before
cutting to James as the plane starts to experience turbulence.)
TLOTA:
Due to conditions beyond my control I must take a break! We’ll be right back!
(James runs to the cockpit to see it empty.) OH MY GOD! Stewardess! (The Stewardess
who looks like James’ cousin Circe runs in.) Listen to me, there is a guy on
board. His name is Striker! Ted Striker! Find him, he’ll be on a layaway to
North Korea. Don’t ask, just get him and get a doctor! (Julia runs into the
cockpit.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
What is going on? (James closes the cockpit door)
TLOTA:
As of this moment we have no flight and navigation crew and we’re on auto pilot
until the only person here who is on a layaway flight with his wife to North
Korea can fly this thing, don’t ask and I don’t know if he can handle it. (The
Cockpit door opens to reveal Christopher Eccleston.) You’re not Ted Striker.
(Cut to Christopher Eccleston)
Christopher
Eccleston:
They were asking for a Doctor and I raised my hand and they had me look at
the flight crew and I could tell even without real medical expertise that it
was food poisoning from the fish meal. (Cut to James & Julia)
TLOTA:
I know I ordered the Chicken Tikka Masala, so anyone who ordered the fish is up
the creek sans a paddle, a boat, life preservers and have probably forgotten
their swimming lessons. (Two Stewardesses come into the cockpit next to
Christopher Eccleston.)
Stewardess (Circe):
We have a problem the man you need, Ted Striker had the fish as did his wife.
Christopher
Eccleston:
Any other good news?
Stewardess (Olivia):
We’re out of coffee!
Christopher
Eccleston:
Oh Fantastic, ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC! A FLIGHT CREW WE CAN DO WITHOUT! BUT WE
HAVE NO FREAKING COFFEE!?! (Cut to James and Julia)
TLOTA:
Okay everyone shut up! Eccleston, tend to the sick to the best of your
abilities, Stewardesses, keep the passengers calm. Alex, you’re going be my
co-pilot as I fly this.
Julia Alexa Miller:
Are you serious? I’m a director and a photographer! This is an entirely new
thing for me! All Together! (Cut to everyone else)
Everyone else (In
Unison):
This is an entirely new thing for me! (The plane hits turbulence as James gets
into the pilot’s chair before cutting to the Sullivan County Airport as the
flight crew listen intently.)
TLOTA (Audio):
Pilot to Flight Control! Pilot to Flight Control! Mayday! Mayday! This is James
Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, listen up the Pilot and Navigation crew are
incapacitated, the only man who could’ve flown this thing is incapacitated so
now I have to fly and land this plane, I’m reviewing the Live Action Straight
to DVD Woody Woodpecker movie (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit)
TLOTA:
And we’ve ran out of coffee! (The audio of everyone screaming drowns out
everything as James restarts the Auto Pilot before James and Julia look to see
everyone on the flight in a brawl that’d make Jerry Springer walk away in abandonment
before cutting to James and Julia at the cockpit door.) Alex, now would be a
good time to close the cockpit and not open it until we land! (James and Julia
walk backwards and close the door before cutting to the the 0:36-end mark from
the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the
camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the
words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to
the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators
original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top
of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to
the airport landing crew and it’s chief played by Mike Santos.)
Chief (Played by Mike
Santos):
Alright listen up, I need to know everything about this James Faraci The Last
Of The Americans.
Jonny (Played by
Steve Kidd):
He’s 6ft 1in, an Internet Reviewer, a Taurus, straight, lives with and takes
care of his parents and can bench press a couch!
Airport worker #2
(Played by Andrew Beach):
Chief, we’ve got the press outside!
Chief:
Jonny, you handle the press.
Jonny:
The same way Donald Trump does? (The Chief nearly backhands Jonny before he
walks out to the press junket before cutting to the Press)
Press Member #1
(Played by Chris Stuckmann):
What can you tell us about the flight crew? (Cut to Jonny)
Jonny:
Well they’re nice guys especially after a shower! (Cut to the Press)
Press Member #2
(Played by Antoni Matei Garcia):
What of the stories about the fish dish having been mishandled causing the food
poisoning that’s incapacitated the flight crew and half of the passengers. (Cut
to Jonny)
Jonny:
Well those are nice stories except the ones on the Fake News Channels (Cut to
the press)
Press Member #3
(Played by Taylor Wyatt):
What exactly can you tell us about the plane? (Cut to Jonny)
Jonny:
Well it’s a nice silver plane with pretty colors, Wi-Fi and plenty of bathrooms
but no showers. (Cut to the press)
Press Member #4
(Played by Angelo Misseri):
Okay, let’s get some photos! (The press grabs photos from anyplace they can get
it before cutting to a tv as a Daily Show Trevor Noah-Esque show as the host
played by Sean Taylor Simmons talks about the Plane flight)
Daily Show Trevor
Noah-Esque host:
So it appears that a plane flight is going to end in tragedy and we all know
who’s to blame right? Of course, our President Donald Trump because a guy who
thinks 2+2=4 who is not my president is also the reason we’re going to have a
tragedy in which people who should be able to fly in peace and comfort will
die! (Channel Changes to a non-bias news network and its host played by Eric
Kurtzke.)
The Non-bias news
host:
And as that lone internet reviewer tries to land the plane safely, please know
that we have a country divided by political and personal differences, I must
say ask that everyone put their crap away and hope and pray in their own way for
a safe landing where even those who are in ill health makes it back to terra
firma in one piece!
(Cut to James and
Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
I have an idea. Everyone has been hearing your review of the Woody Woodpecker
Movie. The review kept everyone calm. You work on the review and try to fly the
plane and hopefully not go... (James gives Julia the “Seriously” look)
Okay I forgot you're an Internet Reviewer and crazy is Monday for you, let’s just work on flying and reviewing the movie.
TLOTA:
Good idea. (James picks up and clears up the intercom.) Good evening everyone, to
keep you all as calm as I can I am going to continue a review I did while I was
in coach which I’m sure everyone heard because of the intercom. (Cut to the
airport and the airport landing crew.)
Chief (Played by Mike
Santos):
Is that such a good idea? You have a lot on your plate as is. (Cut to Jonny as
he goes next to a portlier landing crew member)
Jonny:
And Lewis here is getting FAAAAATER!
(Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the
plane.)
TLOTA:
It was the only thing that kept the coach flyers from rioting and killing the Pilot
and Navigation crew. Which now is a moot point but still I have got to do
something to keep everyone calm. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Lance and his kid bond we also see Lance’s kid becoming friends with the
Generic Female equivalent and her friend as they practice for a Generic Summer
Festival. (Show the kids play “Surfing Bird” as Woody continues to disturb the construction
of the repulsive eyesore of a McMansion after the end of the sequence the movie
cuts to see a copy of the movie being placed out in the middle of the field as
“Still” by Geto Boys in the background as the cast and crew of “Life As A
Mermaid” and Team TLOTA demolish the DVD in the same style of gag as “Office
Space”/ “Family Guy” with Cambell Dodson and John Ross Santos going the most
insane by punching and jumping on the demolished remains as James and everyone
grab the two before seeing both teams walk away before cutting to James and
Julia in the cockpit as Julia looks at James.)
TLOTA:
What? You weren’t thinking that?
(Cut to the movie as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Eventually having had enough Lance tries a different route, diplomacy. Lance
leaves Woody one box of Peanut Butter Cookies once a day for Woody and Woody
allows them to build that repulsive eyesore of a McMansion. (Cut to James and
Julia in the cockpit as they see something fly off James’ right window.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
What was that?
TLOTA:
Sad to say but one of the messages that they wanted to convey. Jumped right off
the wing! (Cut to flight control at the Sullivan County Airport)
Chief:
Someone just died? I picked a hell of a week to quit drinking, taking opioids
and sniffing glue! (The Chief takes a swig while downing an opioid looks at the tube of glue and says to himself "Maybe later")
Airport worker #2
(Played by Andrew Beach):
Chief, we’ve got someone on the way to help. That’s the good news. The bad
news, the internet is ablaze about this story! Plane ride heading for tragedy!
Airport Worker #3
(Played by Ed Champion):
Passengers certain to die!
Chief:
Airline and Airport negligent!
Jonny:
There’s a Sale on Amazon! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
One day Lance’s kid and his friends are exploring the woods and my hopes that Pennywise
from “IT” devouring the little generic gang are dashed as they find the redneck
brothers and their illegal taxidermy lair and instead of doing something
intelligent and CALL THE AUTHORITIES. The three decide to go to the festival the
following night even Woody comes and enjoys himself, but maybe a little too
much. (Cut to scene where Woody poops and ½ of the redneck brothers eat the
poop and Woody sounds like he’s disgusted he did that before cutting to James
and Julia in the cockpit)
TLOTA & Julia Alexa Miller (In Unison):
THEN WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!
(Cut to the movie as
James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Lance is glad to be there and know his McMansion is done and Lance’s
kid is gonna perform at the festival. That is until their drummer got into a
hotdog eating contest and tosses his Chili, fortunately Woody comes in saving
the band and everyone loves them. After Woody leaves the festival, Woody
decides to do something nice for Lance and peck a mural of Lance, his kid and Woody
in the McMansion that is until Woody “ACCIDENTALLY” torches the eyesore. But in
my mind, he did humanity a favor. The next morning Lance surveys the
destruction and believes Woody did him wrong intentionally. So in for the
eyesore being demolished in for Woody’s home being turned into firewood and the
redneck brothers taking Woody. Lance’s kid runs from Lance in disgust in hopes
to save Woody from the redneck brothers. Lance discovers the remains of the
mural and realizes too late that Woody did it accidentally and that he has been
an ASS 95% of this movie’s run time. Even Lassie from “Psych” wasn’t that much
of an ass. But I digress Lance asks for help from the forest ranger who’d been
in this movie, but I’ve mainly been ignoring until she became important to the
plot. (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit when the chief comes in on the
Radio.)
Chief (Audio):
Flight Control to Pilot, Flight Control to Pilot. James are you there? Over.
TLOTA:
Haven’t gone anywhere, over!
Chief (Audio):
But you’re still flying that plane, you must be somewhere, Over.
TLOTA:
(Under his breath): Wiseass. (Aloud): Judging by our Navcom we’re over Southern
Pennsylvania heading to Sullivan County Airport. We have a few hours
left before we’re out of fuel, and we will need to land within the hour
preparing for landing instructions, Over. (Cut to the airport and the airport
landing crew.)
Chief:
Unfortunately we do not have an open runway for you to land. The first one
available, we’ll contact you. However, we have someone who can help you land
that plane, he’ll meet us in the tower!
Jonny:
THE TOWER? THE TOWER! THE TOWER! RAPUNZEL! RAPUNZEL!
Chief:
Tell me James, (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit when the chief comes in
on the Radio.)
Chief (Audio):
Does the name Murdoc ring any bells? (Dramatic music plays in the background.)
TLOTA:
Trust me, he’s a bell ringer and if I were you, I wouldn’t trust Murdoc as far
as you can throw him!
Julia Alexa Miller:
I take it you know him?
TLOTA:
And I despise the ground he slithers upon! Back in my early 20’s I had written
a script. He sold it as his own, the movie never got made, I lost a costly lawsuit.
Never forgave him for it and I never will! Now that son of a…
Murdoc (Audio):
Oh come now James, this is not the time for old grudges!
TLOTA:
Hello Murdoc! (Cut to the airport tower as Murdoc played by John Ross Santos
looking like the classic Murdoc from the classic MacGyver series.)
Murdoc:
Besides, this flight crew is very well armed, even if I were to try to con you,
I wouldn’t last long.
TLOTA (Audio):
I know you well enough. You’d slaughter them without so much as a second
thought and sell it as self-defense by reason of temporary insanity. So, if one
person even so much as dies on this flight or anyone in the flight landing crew,
I’ll find a way back and I don’t care how it happens just know I will and I
will END YOU! Right now, I’m the only hope for this plane to land safely. So,
trust me I’m doing everything to control myself while landing the plane safely.
(Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
Lance’s kid and his generic friends find The Redneck Brothers selling Woody on
the Black Market and get caught as does Lance and the Forest Ranger. Before
Woody is killed by the Redneck Brothers, Lance apologizes to both Woody and his
kid. Woody begs to live for a sequel which I hope to god will never get made,
then Lance lets the bird out of the cage to send the redneck brothers straight
to jail and our movie ends with Lance deciding to build something a little more
moderate and Woody getting a new home. (Show ending as Woody goes out of the
movie to say, “Boy Someone’s in a hurry for the credits, see ya!” flies off
before seeing pools of blood all over the screen and a squeegee blade as
Deadpool pops into frame!)
Deadpool:
Yeah, I decided even though not to appear in the review, I figured eh What the
hell, Slaughter the bird for Woodpecker Chimichangas and get you past the end
credits. (Cut to James and Julia in the
cockpit of the plane.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
Why what’s after the end credits? Unless… James if there’s a post credit scene
setting up for a sequel.
TLOTA:
Ten steps ahead I am reprograming the Navcom and bomb Hollywood for the travesty
we just sat through. (Cut back past the end credits to see the opening of the
Woody Woodpecker short “Niagara Fools” before cutting to James and Julia as
they gasp in a smile before cutting to the short as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
HOLY MOLY! IT’S A WOODY WOODPECKER SHORT THAT’S FUNNY! MY GOD THIS IS A REWARD
FOR SITTING THROUGH THE MOVIE! THIS IS A POT OF FREAKING GOLD! (Cut to James
and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
TLOTA:
Which after sitting through this thing twice is a reward enough. THIS IS THE
BIGGEST PILE OF BIRD POOP SINCE FREAKING BIRDEMIC! (Cut to clips of the movie
as the theme from the 1980’s syndicated Woody Woodpecker Show theme plays in
the foreground as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (Voiceover):
I will give the movie the following in the positive column. One, it is short
and the short after the movie ends is the reward for sitting through this thing
and sifting through a near hour and half of this bird poop. Two, Timothy Omundsen
is not bad, but again you can tell that he’s waiting for “Psych: The Movie”. Three,
No Big-name actor playing Woody Woodpecker, Eric Bauza did amazing as Woody.
Kind of makes me wonder what his next role will be as… (Cut to a still of
Splinter in “Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as James goes “Uhhhh”
before cutting to the movie as James continues his voiceover.) However, the
rest of the movie is so generically bad. Generically Bad Characters,
Generically Bad Writing even the music is so generically bad. I really had very
few expectations except hoping beyond hope that this movie would NOT be as bad
as say “Alvin & The Chipmunks” and the Squeakquels that came after it or
The Live Action “Scooby-Doo” movies or even as bad as The Live-Action “Yogi
Bear” movie, well I was wrong, this movie makes those movies out to be freaking
Shakespeare in comparison. Bottom line, this is one bird that deserves to be Stuffed
and Roasted. (Cut to James and Julia in the cockpit of the plane.)
TLOTA:
And now if everyone will assume crash positions we’re going to be landing soon,
before I forget I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my
opinion. (Christopher Eccleston pops in to wish the duo Good luck before
cutting to the tower as Murdoc gives the instructions to James before cutting
to James and Julia.)
TLOTA:
I see the runway. Sounding the emergency landing signal! (Dramatic Landing
music from “Airplane!” plays in the foreground before cutting to the tower as
Murdoc gives more instructions before cutting to the Airport worker played by
Ed Champion tells about how many feet up James is and calls James an asshole
before cutting to James & Julia in the cockpit as the runway lights cut
out.)
James & Julia (In
Unison):
WHAT THE…?! (Cut to the tower as we see Jonny with a plug in his hand)
Jonny:
Just messing with ya! (Jonny snickers & chuckles as he plugs it back in
before cutting to James and Julia as they land the plane before cutting back to
the tower.)
Chief:
OH MY GOD THEY’RE COMING OUR WAY! (The Chief runs out a window before cutting
to the plane as it lands but isn’t stopping as James pulls and slams on the
brakes before cutting to Christopher Eccleston wishing the duo Good luck before
cutting to the plane as it spins while it lands, and ground crew scream and run
away from the spinning sphere of metal before cutting to the tower where Jonny
is on the phone.)
Jonny:
AUNTIE EM! UNCLE HENRY! TOTO! IT’S A TWISTER! IT’S A TWISTER! IT’S A TWISTER!
(Cut to the plane as it stops before cutting to James as he opens up the
emergency landing slide before cutting to the passengers as they slide out
before cutting to James and Julia as they walk out of the cockpit together and
closes the door before Christopher opens the door just to wish no one there
Good Luck before cutting to James and Julia on the runway as James is just
about to kiss Julia before a gun click is heard.)
Murdoc (Audio only):
You know you ruined my future as well as yours. (James and Julia turn around
before cutting to Murdoc)
Murdoc:
Now the only way to reclaim it is to take yours from you. (Cut to James and
Julia)
TLOTA:
I feel sorry you feel you must do this and I am even sorrier that I must do
this! (Cut to a hand as it turns on the engines to the plane using a paper clip
and the screwdriver blade from a Swiss Army Knife before cutting to James and
Julia as they run before Murdoc turns around as it cuts to the cockpit to see
MacGyver (2016) played by Nick Yaun as he gets the engines fully going before
cutting to Murdoc as he is lifted off the ground and thrown into the turbine)
Murdoc:
MACGYVER! (Cut to James and Julia as they turn away from Murdoc being eviscerated
by the Jet engine before hearing the engine shut down.)
TLOTA:
Well if the new MacGyver series hasn’t killed Murdoc yet, I did them a favor!
Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, where were we?
TLOTA:
Right here I think. (Music from the romantic kiss in “Airplane” play for two
seconds as James once again tries to kiss Julia Alexa Miller before Julia Alexa
Miller decides to put the kibosh on it and the music cuts out two seconds later.)
Julia Alexa Miller:
You know watching a guy be shredded to ground meat kind of kills the mood.
TLOTA:
Yeah, Kind of figured as much. Would you like a drink?
Julia Alexa Miller:
Absolutely. (James and Julia walk away before cutting to black)
