(“O Canada” by Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp play James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, in his Halloween gear as he lands in Canada and grabs a Mountie Hat and begins to ride a Moose while holding the Canadian Flag through the Canadian Wilderness, running past Phelous and Allison Pregler, grabbing some Poutine and some Canadian Maple Syrup, enjoying Pemmican with a touton, and as he rides off, the poster for the movies “Tusk” and “Yoga Hosers” is seen zooming past the screen after being held for five seconds. Cut to James on his moose coming alongside Bret “Hitman” Hart, KiraKennedy, Kevin Smith, and Jay Mewes, and they shake hands as they continue their run, and they ride off into the Canadian Sunrise as the Canadian flag rises and the words “Monstertober” is over the top of the Canadian Flag and on the bottom are the words “In Canada!” “Eh!” Cut to James in his office, still wearing the Mountie hat and a Canadian Tuxedo over his usual Halloween clothing, with a bit of a Canadian Accent.)
TLOTA:
Howdy, Hosers, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views I’m about to express are those of my own and some of my fellow peoples out there, especially those canuckers, eh? Well, after ten months celebrating America (Sounding normal; and trust me, I will be back at it in November), I thought to myself it’s about time to give some recognition to our neighbors to the north! What do you guys think? (Cut to everyone in Team TLOTA dressed in typical Canadian clothing as they agree as they say “You Bet!,” “For Sure,” “Sounds Good” and “Fair Enough.” as it cuts to James physically.) So I welcome everyone to a barn burner of a “Monstertober in Canada”! (Sounding Normal as he takes the hat off!) Okay, I am done with the Canadian Accent. But this month, I want to celebrate Canada through an American Icon of independent Filmmaking who has a following thanks to making some of his work in Canada. I'm talking, of course, about Kevin Smith. (Cut to Kevin Smith on “Degrassi” and his non-View Askew movies after “Clerks II” and James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And to be fair, much of his career, by the time “Clerks II” was released, was centered around “Jay and Silent Bob” and the View Askewniverse. Even when he and Jay Mewes appeared on “Degrassi,” Kevin and Jay Mewes played satirical versions of themselves and did things that Jay and Silent Bob wouldn't do in the View Askewniverse or in real life. And after “Cop Out” tanked, Kevin decided to take a step back and figure out what his next move. He started to do podcasting and then directed a horror movie called “Red State,” which found its footing on streaming services and was way better than “Cop Out.” But after his time in Canada and finishing “Red State,” Kevin thought that he should go north of the border for his next movie. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So that would explain everything about this movie (Cut to the title card of “Tusk,” then clips that do not spoil the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 2014 (The sound of everyone shouting “TUSK!” and James reacts with “What was that?”) uh, “Tusk” is possibly the most bizarre thing Kevin Smith has done! Even more disturbing than when he appeared on “Law and Order”! That’s not even a joke! He appeared in an episode of “Law and Order”! The plot is disturbingly crazy and needs to be seen to be believed. And if you think I’m kidding, just sit and see what happens to a Justin Long character that becomes, of all things, a WALRUS!
(Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
So let’s head north of the border with Kevin Smith and talk about… (The audio of everyone shouts “TUSK!” and James reacts with a look of wondering why everyone is shouting “TUSK!”) “Tusk.” (Cut to “Tusk” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens on a message that this is “Based on Actual Events,” as we cut to a podcast set that introduces us to Wallace, played by Justin Long, and his friend Teddy, played by former Child Star Haley Joel Osment, as their Podcast called (James mumbles, “Oh god, why me?”) “The Not-See Party! as they see a parody of the Star Wars guy known as “The Kill Bill Kid,” who winds up accidentally taking off a leg. Wallace decides to go to Manitoba in the hopes of interviewing him. When he arrives, he discovers that the poor kid kills himself due to Wallace and Teddy playing the video. Needing someone to interview, Wallace finds himself at a bar when he finds an advertisement for an old sailor and thinks he has hit the jackpot! On the way there, Wallace comes upon two clerks named Colleen, played by Lily-Rose Depp, and Kevin’s daughter, Harley Quinn Smith. Wallace makes it to Bifrost and to the house of Howard Howe, played by Michael Parks, and throughout most of the first act, the two talk about Howard’s life at sea, how he made friends with Ernest Hemingway and how a walrus named “Mr. Tusk” kept him alive after being lost at sea in the 1950’s, and to be honest, this is one of the best parts of the movie. I could pay to see these two sit and talk, but that discussion ends quickly as Wallace is knocked out. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And friends, the madness ramps up from one to over nine thousand in no time flat after this moment. (Cut to “Tusk” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief flashback scene where he and his girlfriend Ally, played by Genesis Rodriguez, have a problem with him going to Canada and has a moral issue with the kid he mentioned on the podcast, We find Wallace having awake sans a leg, according to Howard, a brown recluse spider bit him in the leg and Howard had no other choice but to take the leg, and it is here that Howard shows he can stand and walk and tells Wallace his plans to transform him into a Walrus in a skin made of human flesh! (Cut to James physically as an image of Jay comes out of his right ear, and an image of Silent Bob comes out of his left ear, and they spring out saying “CUCKOO! CUCKOO! If this is sane, then you are CUCKOO!” then return to James’ head. Cut to “Tusk” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Wallace does eventually find a phone to try and call Ally and Teddy who we see are cheating together on Wallace; Howard then knocks out Wallace after trying to leave voicemails to the two and proceeds with his transformation of Wallace into a Walrus and tells his backstory. Ally and Teddy eventually hear the messages and rush to Manitoba to rescue Wallace. Unfortunately, it might be too little too late as we see... (Cut to Howard as he speaks poetically and shouts “WALRUSES NEVER CRY!” Show Wallace now in a walrus suit made of human flesh, fully transformed, as James shouts, “HOLY SHIT!” Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
I thought that he was just going to... you know, mess with the guy, but apparently I was wrong! VERY, VERY, VERY WRONG! (Cut to “Tusk” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of “OH MOTHER OF GOD SAVE US ALL!” Ally and Teddy come upon Guy LaPointe, played by Lily-Rose's dad, Johnny Depp, with some help from a detective. We then find Wallace, or rather Mr. (Cut to James physically as the sound of everyone shouting “TUSK!” and James gets up.)
TLOTA:
Okay, I am going to get up and check out what is going on out there and why they are shouting “Tusk!” (Cut to James as he walks out of his office and to see everyone as they are watching “TUSK” themselves.) Hey guys, what are you up to? (Cut to everyone as they down a shot of Grade A Dark Color Robust Taste.)
TLOTA:
Uh. hey everyone, what is going on? (Cut to the team as they put down their shot glasses.)
Nick Lopez:
We are playing the “Tusk” Maple Syrup drinking game!
Andrew Beach:
It’s kind of fun! Every time we see Wallace before the transformation being an asshole, we take a shot of Grade A Dark Color Robust Taste.
Olivia Horvath:
Every time we see the Colleens, we take a shot!
Jessica Lopez-Barkl:
Every time we see Wallace being tortured, we take two shots.
Crosslyn Castillo:
Every time Michael Parks’ character gives backstory to who he is, we take two shots
Paulo Fonseca:
Every time we see Wallace give in to being Mr. Tusk, we take three shots.
Brenda Fonseca:
The second the ending hits, we finish the bottles! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
But do you have to shout “TUSK!” every time? (Cut to the team)
Rebecca Yaun:
We weren’t shouting
Nicholas Yaun:
We may be a little louder than you expected, but it’s not really that loud. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I could hear you as loud as we are talking now. (Cut to the team)
Doug Yaun:
Well, we can’t help if this is fun and we get a little rowdy; besides, we’re also listening to the Fleetwood Mac song, so if we hear that while watching the movie and playing the song, then we are sorry for playing it too loud. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I appreciate the consideration while I try to review (The audio of Fleetwood Mac’s “Tusk” as it shouts “TUSK!” scares James.) This is going to be one of those reviews I just know it. (Cut to “Tusk” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As I was saying before, I was interrupted by the “TUSK” Maple Syrup drinking game. Howard starts to condition Wallace to be a Walrus by dragging him into the water as Wallace sees some of the other victims and what could happen to him if he does not finish the guy off. Guy LaPointe tells Ally and Teddy what he knows of Howard, how dedicated he is to finding him, and how it cost him marriages and his sanity. Ally and Teddy think this guy is one fry short of a poutine, but hear that he finds the bodies that were left behind were skinned, removed from their legs, and placed in a position of a walrus, structurally speaking, and called Howard “The First Wife” killer. Meanwhile, Howard continues to torment Wallace by telling how he had to kill and eat Mr. Tusk just to stay alive, eventually drag him back to the water, and tries to... (Show the moment where Howard tries to force Wallace to teabag him. Cut to James physically as he walks out of his office and to the others.)
TLOTA:
How many shots does one take when Howard tries to have his dirty way by forcibly making Wallace teabag the guy! (Cut to everyone as they say “Four Shots” in unison. James then joins the team, and they shout “TUSK!” and take four shots of Grade A Dark Color Robust Taste. Cut to “Tusk” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After seeing that ungodly disturbance, Ally, Teddy, and Guy follow Wallace’s path, come upon the Colleens, and try to see where Wallace went. Unfortunately, things get worse for Wallace when Howard gets his own walrus suit and tries to force the two to fight. The fight gets nasty as Howard tries to kill Wallace. But Wallace gets the upper tusk, as it were, and takes Howard out of this world! Ally and Teddy are horrified as they see what has happened to Wallace, and it looks like Guy is about to put Wallace out of his misery. We cut to a year later, as Wallace is still trapped in the walrus suit and lives in a wildlife refuge, and then in a flashback to one of the last conversations Ally and Wallace have about how crying differentiates humans from animals and that she still loves him, and the movie ends with Wallace crying as he bellows, knowing that there is still a part of Wallace’s humanity that is still there. (Cut to James and the team as they finish their bottles)
TLOTA:
So that was “TUSK!” WOW Kevin, you were on some of the good Canadian stuff when you and your team made this movie! (Cut to clips of “TUSK” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
HOLY HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA! This may be up there with the 1986 remake of “The Fly” in terms of how disturbing it is! The story is great and disturbing; the acting is about as wild as it can get in a movie about a man transformed into a walrus. While this movie didn't do much at the Box Office, it has gained cult status for obvious reasons. If you have not seen it then I suggest that you get yourself a “TUSK” Maple Syrup drinking game and enjoy. If you saw it for what started Kevin Smith’s movies up north, check it out again and make sure you are in the right frame of mind. (Cut to James and the team)
TLOTA:
Well this was fun, I wonder what you guys will do when we check out “Yoga Hosers!” (The team runs out and comes back with Sauerkraut and German Sausage!) Of course, well, you will find out what this is about soon enough. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, Monstertober in Canada continues, and that’s my opinion.
