(Scene begins as “Angel of the Morning” by Juice Newton plays in the foreground as the camera pulls back to see James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, getting thrown up into the sky as a group of letters spell out “First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com presents” and James gets thrown through the letters and the camera moves to see Paulo and Brenda Fonseca back-to-back with a shocked look on their faces and the words “A worthless idiot’s review on Three “Deadpool” movies (One review being a “Different Cuts” of “Deadpool 2”), One review of the movie “Logan,” One review of the series “LOKI,” and some type of defense of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” in a three month period.” The Camera moves to see James Faraci having landed on Doug Yaun, Nick, and Rebecca Yaun as the words “Starring, Written and Directed by The Worthless Idiot” land on James. The camera moves to Hunter Dino as she holds up the words, “A former Power Ranger possessed by the pissed-off spirit of a former mermaid.” The camera moves to Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath, and Andrew Beach having a meeting of the minds and the words under them saying, “Four of the Nine members of the cast and crew under James’ employment (The other five you saw as they were getting the crap flung out of them!).” The Camera then pans to Rowdy, screaming silently as he floats in the air and lands on the words “James’ longtime friend who will suffer James’ idiocy!” The Camera moves to see Hunter Dino's body slam James, Paulo, Brenda, Rebecca, Nick, Eric, Doug, Olivia, Renee, and Andrew, and the words “Produced & Executively Produced by Failures at Life and entertaining people.” The camera moves again to see James getting tossed onto the concrete floor as we see the words “Written and Directed by as mentioned above, what do people not read anymore?” land on James’ body as a pool of blood is shown to spell out “The Last Of The Americans then cuts to James being grabbed by the possessed Hunter Dino)
Hunter Dino:
I will reclaim my tail and full powers even if I must shed the blood of everyone in your life! (A male voice is heard shouting “Triceratops” as Hunter turns to see the Blue Power Ranger hold her back but faces strong opposition from Hunter.) I believe the person called Hunter Dino knows who you are, David... Yost, I presume? (Cut to the Blue Ranger as the helmet comes off)
David Yost:
Affirmative! I can’t let you harm James or Hunter, whoever you think you are. (Hunter grabs David by his Morpher and hoists him up!)
Hunter Dino:
I am Aquafina! (Cut to David Yost as he starts to lose consciousness.)
David Yost:
The Water or the Comedienne actress! (Cut to Hunter Dino)
Hunter “Aquafina” Dino:
Is there a water named after me? (Cut to David Yost)
David Yost:
And a comedienne actress, though the spelling is different. (Mumbling is heard as Hunter drops David with him, screaming as he hits the floor and walks towards James again, lifting him up.)
Hunter “Aquafina” Dino:
Speak up; they might be your last words. (Cut to James as he points to his power driver.)
TLOTA:
Delta Level Attack! (A blast hits Hunter, knocking her out, and James immediately goes to a wall panel as it cuts to Hunter waking up and being confined to a 2ft x 2ft square of floor)
Hunter “Aquafina” Dino:
Impressive, I see you mixed the incantations on how to contain a magical being with this modern science crap! (Cut to David Yost as he powers down and walks towards Hunter)
David Yost:
Hunter, if you can hear me, it’s Dave. If you can regain control, I will. (James coughs as the scene cuts to James nodding, “NO!” Then it cuts to David Yost.) James, if Hunter can regain control...
Hunter “Aquafina” Dino (Audio only):
“If?” (Hunter laughs) “If?” There’s no “If” about it. Once my sisters, Marintina and Oceana, find where they are, who they are, and where I am, this will most likely give you that long overdue rest in peace you deserve, James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans! Oh, and I guess we can add “The Last Of The Faracis” as well.
David Yost:
I guess it’s not happening any time soon. (A teleporting sound is heard as it cuts to the front door, and we see Linkara getting ready to tell James something.)
Linkara:
James, I... (Linkara looks around as it cuts to his POV to see Hunter contained and all the carnage she incurred. Cut to Linkara as he walks to James and David Yost) Never mind, then. So, what are you going to do with her?
David Yost:
Well, for now, Hunter is going to be contained. (Hunter “Aquafina” Dino shouts tauntingly, “NOT FOR LONG!” off-screen) that’s the plan for now.
Linkara:
For now?! What about all those “If you fail to plan, then your plans will fail!” crap
TLOTA:
She caught me off guard! I mean, let’s face it, Mr. T didn’t save your ass the past few years, nor did he save mine! (Linkara and James argue with James, mentioning how work-shy Linkara has become and all the excuses of the 3D Printings, Game Streams, and Merchandising, and Linkara countering about how much James’ career deserved to die after everything he’s done! Cut to Hunter finding a chair to sit on and watch the two argue.)
Hunter “Aquafina” Dino:
If only I had some popped seaweed, I could enjoy it better (Cut to James, Linkara, and David Yost as David tells James and Linkara to “Shut up!”)
David Yost:
James, why don’t you do your review? Meanwhile, Linkara and I will try to figure out how to save her.
TLOTA:
Sounds good. (James walks into his office as David Yost's audio says, “How do you make Popped Seaweed?” Cut to James in his office, looking okay at best.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. What else can be said except...” Deadpool!” (Cut to footage of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” and all three “Deadpool” movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Created in part by Fabian Nicieza and Rob Liefeld, Deadpool’s movie career would and could’ve ended after the failure of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine, once test footage, which people claim to this day that Ryan Reynolds himself leaked about what a Deadpool movie would be like without the restrictions of the PG-13 Rating or other certain things that define the Comic Book movie industry. It helped save Ryan’s career after flop after flop in the early 2000s. And today, I start a three-month look at all three of the Deadpool movies, The movie “Logan,” The series “Loki,” and, of course, the movie that made the “Deadpool” movies happen. (Cut to James in his office as the audio of Hunter “Aquafina” Dino as she says, “That was mentioned in the introduction of the episode, James!”)
TLOTA:
I KNOW THAT! It’s a refresher for those who missed the intro. (Off-Screen Audio of Rowdy as he says, “Yeah, even though the intro was cool, people might’ve missed it because they were either laughing or cheering James and his friends getting the crap kicked out of them.” Off-screen audio of David Yost and Linkara saying, “Why and What the hell are you doing here?” Off-screen audio of Rowdy saying, “It’s been rough, and for James, it was a little rougher, especially since he lost a lot. His team thought James might be so dead inside it might as well make James not want to continue anymore.”) I’ll close the door as we get some Chimichangas and Blow Job shots and get into “Deadpool.” (Cut to “Deadpool” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
After our opening credits, which describe a lot of Hollywood movies and how they’re done, we soon find Deadpool, played by Ryan Reynolds, being Taxied around by Dopinder. Deadpool and Dopinder talk, become friends, and try to help Dopinder, telling him that the world tastes like Mama June after Hot Yoga without certain things (Voice of Experience on this) as Deadpool shows HOLY TOLEDO! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
I get that, Deadpool. Under that mask, it looks terrible, but DAVALOSH! (Off-screen audio of Linkara as he says, “How does James know what Mama June doing Hot Yoga tastes like?” Off-Screen Audio of Rowdy says, “I think James is speaking metaphorically as that his life sucks as much as tasting the essence of that overgrown trailer trash who destroyed her family because she mistook her prized pig for a daughter and it tastes bad, and that James’ life has tasted that bad. I just broke an Internet Reviewer law, didn’t I? I’ll play the clip! Off-screen audio of The Joker shouting, “If you have to explain the joke, then there is NO JOKE!” Cut to “Deadpool” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We soon find our villain of this piece, Francis, a mutant who goes by Ajax, played by Ed Skrein, as we see him creating mutant mercenaries for war profiteers, letting his employer know that he is altering his deal. As Francis heads on out, Deadpool realizes he’s got just a few weapons and no guns, which, from what has been said, was one of the caveats of this first movie being made, “Deadpool cannot use too many weapons at once but still kill his enemies.” (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Hollywood dictates everything that happens, especially in our... (Off-screen audio of everyone shouting “OFF-TOPIC!) Sorry (Cut to “Deadpool” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Armed with 12 bullets and two very sharp katanas, Deadpool quickly breaks the fourth wall, wondering how this movie got made and why he had to shake off Wolverine’s Junk! Just as we see him use Maximum Effort to land in an SUV filled with bad guys, we see how chaotic good Deadpool is at his job of destroying bad guys. This gets the attention of Colossus, who, even though he was in how many X-Men productions at the time the movie came out? (A Ding is heard as it says, “Four Movies and Eight Cartoons [Adding the two anime into the mix]”) Hmm, not bad, yet not good. Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead, played by Brianna Hildebrandt, team up to stop Deadpool. Colossus even says that he has tried to voluntarily convince Deadpool to join the X-Men, but seriously, Colossus, getting him to give up what he does best to be what you think is a good guy will help? Anyway, Colossus and NSTWH [And yes, I am abbreviating her name, I know, but there’s no way I am continually spelling her name all the time.] decide to grab Deadpool by force and make him an X-Man! Meanwhile, Deadpool gives a countdown of the bad guys he’s out to finish off. (Show Deadpool as he guns down the bad guys, and then shish kabobs one with his katanas and narrates how this shit went down.) We then cut to when Deadpool was former Canadian Special Forces Agent Wade Wilson turned Mercenary for Hire when he meets Vanessa, played by Morena Baccarin, who is a sex worker who falls in love over a year; the two are engaged however much life, is a shitstorm, Wade is hit with so much cancer it’s a miracle that he doesn’t look like what he does now! Speaking of now, we return to Deadpool, where he comes upon Francis and shows his handy work. Before he can further threaten Francis, Colossus comes to toss him back to the past we find Wade and Vanessa as she is trying everything under the summer sun and winter moon to help Wade. However, Wade is more honest about the odds of his survival, much like the last twenty-five years that this world has been for so many, “A Yakov Smirnov opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair Shit Show.” On a night away from her at the bar, the two met; Weasel, played by TJ Miller, tells Wade of a guy looking for Wade. Wade goes over to the guy who says I can help cure his cancer through a shit storm of treatments and give him special abilities. Considering his options, Wade decides to leave Vanessa and go through the procedures where he meets Francis and his firm and uber-powerful associate Angel Dust, played by Gina Carano, just as we return to our regularly scheduled meeting already in progress as Colossus says that he’s going join the X-Men one way or another. Deadpool, however, points out that he is not a goody-two-shoes and that he doesn’t go after good guys like the X-Men but instead would gladly take guys like Henry Gyrich and give him the “Rogue dropping one of the creators of the Sentinels off a building in X-Men 97” treatment. During their talks, Francis escapes, and Deadpool takes it as well as he can by taking his frustrations out on Colossus, which goes as well as the last thirteen years! Wade escapes Colossus by losing a hand but leaving a bird behind for him. As we then go back to the treatments to try and cure Wade’s cancers, Wade begs not to have his suit either green or animated. The treatments begin by torturing the hell out of Wade and pumping him full of drugs to activate his mutation to heal his cancers and advance his healing abilities. With the treatments not working, Francis decides to pump Wade with more treatments in a hypobaric chamber, and while it works, it also turns him into his current state. Looking in rather rough shape, Wade escapes but, with him in his current state, keeps his distance from Vanessa. Showing his current state to Weasel, it’s here that Wade Wilson becomes Deadpool; cue a violent montage that leads us to Deadpool just after the opening credits! (Cut to the montage of moments of Deadpool trying to find Francis. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Leave it to those who worked on “The Joe Schmo Show” to make something like this movie. (Cut to “Deadpool” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Feeling angry about the fact that because Colossus and NSTWH provided enough of a distraction for Francis to escape and lose a hand in the process, Deadpool comes back to his apartment where he hangs out with Al, played by legendary actress Leslie Uggams where not only they work on Ikea Furniture, Deadpool sulks about how he looks terrible... (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, yes, I get that he’s not that good-looking. Guess what? This mug might be appealing, but guess what? It doesn’t get women! At least you still sound like Ryan Reynolds; that is something you can gloat about! (Cut to “Deadpool” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As that happens, Francis lets in that the big pain in his ass in his job is Wade “Deadpool” Wilson and finds Weasel, who tells Wade what Francis’ plans of revenge are by going after Vanessa, who has gone back to work at a strip club where Stan Lee is DJing, and why not? He did a lot until 2019; let him enjoy it; his wife wouldn’t mind. However, Wade does mind when Francis comes a-knocking and takes her. Pissed off even further than before, Wade decides to load up with enough guns and ammo to make Ted Nugent happier than any man ought to be, to make Francis pay. Both Al and Weasel tell Wade that he’s going to need back-up, and since both Al and Weasel are comedic relief, he comes a-knocking at a certain upstate NY mansion that doubles as a school for the gifted where, of course, he tells both Colossus and NSTWH since they cost him Francis, they owe him to help, sure enough, the two join him as Dopinder picks them up and he has his romantic rival in the trunk. Cue the music as Deadpool, NSTWH, and Colossus roll up to take Francis down, sans all the weapons he loaded up except for the swords and the few rounds of ammo he still has, Colossus, Nega-Sonic Teenage Warhead, and, of course, Maximum Effort. Colossus tries to be a gentleman towards Angel Dust, but she decides to take the fight to Colossus as NSTWH does what she can to help as best as she can to help both the boys out, and this fight is everything I expected from Deadpool! Even when this happens (Show the moment in which Chicago with Peter Cetera's “You’re the Inspiration” as we see how wacky things are in Wade’s Cerebrum as the fight continues.) Eventually, things go even further south than they have been as Wade calls upon his ultimate weapon Maximum Effort to keep Vanessa safe while shit goes sideways. Vanessa is rescued from everything going wrong; however, Francis decides to press the fight even further until Francis tells Wade there’s no way he can fix Wade’s face. Colossus tries to stop Wade from doing the only sensible thing to the one person who no longer serves a purpose, and putting him down like Old Yeller is the only justice, saying that letting him live is what will make him a hero. Still, Deadpool shoots him anyway because, let's face it, Francis was probably going to weasel his way out of the life-and-a-half sentence a bastard like him deserves. Wade finally reconnects with Vanessa, and Vanessa finally sees that with a little liquid libation, he can put up with what Wade looks like, and with a “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”-esque post-credit sequence, the movie ends. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was the first Deadpool movie! Damn it if it doesn’t hold up! (Cut to every clip I can get into one montage from “Deadpool” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The humor holds up even as the fourth wall is not only demolished, but is ground into sand, mixed with salt to never bear any life again, then burned to ashes, and used as a shitter, and that was just about the easiest that it gets. The violence, while many think is unnecessary, is what I expected from a Deadpool movie. If you haven’t seen it, then what in the ass is... (The R Rating quickly pops up for James, and James says, “Oh Yeah! Not for everyone. My bad.” The footage is restored without the R Rating over it, and James continues his voiceover.) Okay, so I’m not recommending it for someone under eighteen unless they understand what is going on. But I do suggest that people get a good cathartic laugh, especially when everyone uses Maximum Effort. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
This led to certain Comic Book movies getting made and a round of R-rated films that did well for what they’re worth. One of them should’ve been the end of two characters had it not been for certain things. I am not reviewing one movie, but not because it’s worth being reviewed, but it’s not in the theme. The other one is, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and That’s my opinion. (James walks away as the scene fades to black.)
