(Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand as it taps an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun.” is shown then slides away to different images of Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo and the characters they’ve played until it cuts to their faces and the credits “Doug Yaun, Kyra Lee and Crosslyn Castillo is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions in association with Manic-Expression.com" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office)
TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and The Views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and you know what screw the haters, Steve Guttenberg is an American Treasure! (Cut to stills of Steve Guttenberg as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA(V.O.):
His bread and butter is that of being a wiseass to many a character who don’t see how it is and he has one of the best reactions to how things are, however many in our field have found him to be considered Bland, Boring and unentertaining, to which I have to say, are you on something? This guy is charming, he has a likability that cannot be replicated, and from what I found out recently, as Los Angeles was burning. Other big names were unenthusiastically crying “Oh No! My Home is being swallowed up by the nasty orange thing, oh, what’s that other people are in there being hurt? My Multibillion-dollar home is now reduced to grey yuckiness!” Guttenberg was on the front line helping people move cars so First Responders can help stop the fire quicker! So yeah, Suck it multi-billion dollar superstars who only cared about their own homes, Steve Guttenberg was actually helping while you were working on a charity event where only a fraction of the money went to the people. The rest went to taxes and paying off the event sponsors! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And to celebrate the Greatness of Guttenberg, let’s show him being the hero with Magnum P.I. and Sam Malone from “Cheers” under the direction of Spock from Star Trek! It’ll make sense when we get going! (Cut to the title card of “Three Men and A Baby” then to the movie clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released in 1987 and directed by Leonard Nimoy, Three Men and A Baby was the most financially successful movie of 1987. And for me it’s one of Guttenberg’s greatest movies that don’t involve Police or Johnny Number Five, but does this movie hold up after all these years? Well, we will find out if one of the reasons is the greatness of Guttenberg. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time, especially that of the Guttenberg's. This is “Three Men and a Baby!” (Cut to “Three Men and a Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with Michael as played by the iconic Steve Guttenberg looking over his work and with the landlord’s permission, uses it to paint it outside of the apartment he shares with Jack, played by Ted Danson and Peter, played by the magnificent Tom Selleck and believe it, the opening is almost beat for beat equal to the 1985 French comedic movie this is based on! That’s not a joke; this is a remake of a French comedy translated into English as “Three Men and a Cradle” by Coline Serreau. As Michael narrates, we see how the three enjoy the new apartment. It’s just in time for Peter’s birthday, and Jack meets with a friend of his, Paul Milner, who asks Jack if he can leave a package with Jack, Michael, and Peter, which would come the next day, and not to worry about it, as Jack has to leave to go to Turkey for a B-Movie. Jack tells Michael and Peter about Paul’s favor. As Michael helps a broken-hearted woman and doesn’t bed her! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
What else can be said but... (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music, and the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” are sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning, Peter finds something with Jack’s name, and it’s more than just something the two of them can’t worry about. (Cut to Michael as he reads that this is Jack’s daughter, Mary.) That’s right, Jack has had a baby with a woman named Sylvia, and this little girl named Mary is now in the hands of Michael and Peter. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
That baby is going to be all right! Not only because it’s Michael and Peter but also because it is under the protection of... (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music, and the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” are sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
While Peter is out getting baby supplies, and trust me, as an uncle of three and great uncle of two, it will take a lot of diapers, Michael sees that Mary needs a diaper change. However, another package with Jack’s name arrives, which will be a plot point later. As the two officially have to take care of Mary, they have plans for Jack’s demise after he comes home and are looking for any help they can get. Four days later, we’re introduced to two people, and if one of them looks familiar, then maybe I can help you out. (The movie pauses and focuses on Earl Hindman as James sets it up for anyone else with the “Home Improvement” theme song and turns the character to Wilson from “Home Improvement.”)
TLOTA:
That’s right, it’s Earl Hindman, best known as Wilson from “Home Improvement,” and he’s up against... (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music, and the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” are sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The two take Mary and a canister, which they think is Jack and Paul’s package. Michael and Peter find the other package, which just so happens to be heroin, and just as Peter discovers... (Cut to the still of the two thugs trying to put the baby in the trunk of a car as a dramatic musical sting plays. Cut to James as he gets angry and runs into the movie and grabs the two thugs, puts them in a sack, and it cuts to the sack getting thrown into an industrial woodchipper. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
No, though trust me if I had gotten my hands on them, that would have happened. What does happen is that the Police get involved, and that means for the thugs, it’s time to skedaddle, leaving Michael and Peter holding the baby and the drugs. It’s here we’re introduced to Sgt. Melkowitz, who tells Michael and Peter that Jack’s friend is dealing drugs, and wonders if Peter, Michael, and Jack knew that Paul was dealing drugs, and by bad timing on Jack’s part, calls up, Melkowitz overhears it and misinterprets it, leaving a detail at the place. The next day, Mrs. Hathaway, the landlord, babysits Mary as Michael and Peter head off to work. On a break, Peter returns to the apartment to find Mrs. Hathaway bound and gagged. And this moment here, where Peter is more concerned for the baby over everything else, is how I would be if something happened to my nieces or my great-nieces. And when Peter sees that Mary is safe, I would react to seeing that my nieces and great-nieces are safe. However, they left one message: That next time, they'd grab the baby, and if I were there, I would have to break out of the heavy-duty artillery! That night, Peter goes into super protective mode and does not let Mary sleep alone somewhere in the apartment when they’re awakened by the sound of someone breaking in. Peter jumps him, and Michael joins in, and when they discover it’s Jack, they double down on the beatdown! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And there’s no way Jack can escape... (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music, and the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” are sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Jack is soon introduced to his daughter and denies knowledge of the baby and the Heroin. But when Michael gives Jack the letter, he soon remembers Sylvia, but Peter hands Mary to Jack for him to take care of. Jack is also trying to call Paul about the drugs while taking care of Mary and trying to find Sylvia. Then Jack calls someone who can help with Mary, and that is his mom. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And here is where we can dispel a long-standing myth about this movie. (Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Apparently, the myth about this movie is that someone’s ghost haunts Jack’s room in the apartment. That is not true. This was filmed in Toronto, Canada, even though the movie is set in New York, and the ghost in Jack’s room? That’s a cutout of Ted Danson dressed in a Tuxedo and dressed to the nines from an advertisement for Jack’s. There are no ghosts, no one died, and no one was hurt. However, as Jack’s mom leaves Jack to handle Mary alone, Peter and Michael finally help Jack get into parent mode, and the two decide to go on dates. When Jack doesn’t answer the phone, Peter and Michael return to discover that Jack and his daughter are bonding. But for future purposes, they have a line installed in the shower. Later that day, Peter finds a message that shows Paul Milner’s “Accident” with the threat “Don’t Let This Happen To You!” The three set up a meeting with Michael, filming it. Jack and Mary get out of the building incognito to tell Melkowitz that he has no knowledge of the drugs, and Peter meets with the two. They admitted that Jack, Peter, and Michael had nothing to do with the drugs. However, Michael loses his balance, and they see that they’ve been filmed. The chase begins, leading both teams to wind up in dueling elevators. However, after a minor mishap, the drug dealer and his thug are captured. (Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And with the aid of (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music, the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” are sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
With the three exonerated by the cops, the three settle into guardianship of Mary. Having fun in the park, taking Mary to their jobs, even singing Mary to sleep. Sometime later, as the three have found their footing in caring for Mary, we finally meet the mysterious Sylvia, played by Nancy Travis. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And this is where I first heard of her: while doing my research for my Duckman review, which I did a long time ago, I found out that she’s a New Yorker! I thought she was actually British, that's how convincing she was! (Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Sylvia confirms that Jack is Mary’s dad. However, Sylvia has come back for her daughter. The three reluctantly hand Mary over to Sylvia, and they soon suffer sadness. Jack admits he wants to be in his daughter’s life. Peter and Michael also say that the three take a taxi to convince Sylvia to stay with them, only to arrive just as the flight takes off. Feeling defeated that they missed out on their last chance, they discover Sylvia and Mary outside their door, and they come to the best arrangement for Sylvia and Mary. For them to move in with the three, the movie ends with a new Mural showing them as the family unit for Mary. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “Three Men and a Baby.” It was funny and entertaining, and it still holds up, especially with... (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music, and the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” are sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to “Three Men and A Baby” clips as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The acting was the lightning in the bottle that could only happen with Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Steve Guttenberg. The story remains strong, the music is still memorable, the comedy holds up, there are plenty of unforgettable moments, and as someone who has had three nieces and two great-nieces, it takes a village and a half to help a baby. If you can find it on Disney+ or another streaming service, or physically, find it and watch it, especially for... (Cut to a still of Steve Guttenberg as a heavenly light shines and an organ plays heavenly music and the words “THE GREATNESS OF GUTTENBERG!” is sung by Team TLOTA. Cut to James physically.)
TLOTA:
And I applaud his heroism during the Los Angeles Fires, and you know what, I want to continue to celebrate heroism in my twelfth anniversary, let’s see what I have planned. (James pulls out his schedule and his face turn serious as the first thirty-two seconds of the song “Batman vs The Circus” from the “Batman Returns” soundtrack as James puts down his schedule and walks up to the roof of his studio and unveils a signal light that when lit shows the Manic-Expression.com symbol and James stands waiting as he hears “Hey James!” and James jumps over, revealing that James Daniel Walsh has arrived.) Boss!
James Daniel Walsh:
I was in town anyway, I saw the signal and I wondered what was going on.
TLOTA:
You’ll find out soon enough.
