(The scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand tapping an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and Doug Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Doug Yaun, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James, Rowdy, Steve Kidd, Uncle Roger, and Joshua Weissman in the office kitchen as they say “Hello!” and Uncle Roger says “Fuu-Yoh!”)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. It’s November, and it’s time again to cook turkey for us.
Rowdy:
And I take it we’ll be under the tutelage of one Alton Brown again.
Steve Kidd:
Again?
TLOTA:
The past two years I have used Alton Brown’s cooking show “Good Eats” for review material.
Steve Kidd:
Okay, so you’re going to talk about the episode of “Good Eats” while we cook the recipes or, rather, your variation of the recipe.
TLOTA:
You’re catching on quickly!
Steve Kidd:
This ought to be fun. Did this Alton Brown make Thanksgiving dinner already?
TLOTA:
Yea, and from that came a wellspring of episodes, including the one we’re talking about today. (Cut to the “Good Eats” title card, then clips of “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Considered to be one of the last significant episodes of the series until its own short-lived revival a few years later. “Countdown to T-Day" or “Re-Romancing The Bird” is an updated version of the meal that brought him to the forefront of food couture on television. But will this end up being a great swansong or will it, like the turkeys that bombed the Pinedale Shopping Mall in Cincinnati, Ohio, be remembered for all the WRONG and right reasons. Well, let’s see how this dinner comes out for Alton... (Cut to James and everyone else in the kitchen.)
TLOTA:
And we join Alton in his final “Countdown to T-Day" as we Re-Romance and cook the bird with Alton Brown. (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
The episode begins with Alton as he looks over a big book of Phobias. Many of them concern food, including the fear of using Chopsticks, Vegetables, and Garlic, which is rather farfetched.
Uncle Roger (V.O.):
Precisely, why be afraid of Chopsticks? That weak Pussy Ass Shit! Hai-Yaa!
TLOTA (V.O.):
However, one phobia seems to resonate with Alton, Diemeleagrisphobia; even though the actual term is Gratiarophobia, I’ll let it slide. But thanks to therapy Alton conquered and discovered that the fear didn’t come from making the meal, it came from... (Show the moment Alton’s Sister “Marsha” comes in wanting to decorate the house as we hear two distinct people, one being Steve Kidd screaming, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! OH NO!” repeatedly, and “Uncle Roger” screaming in fear! Cut to the Kitchen as Steve Kidd and Uncle Roger go running out the door as Joshua Weismann, James, and Rowdy go looking for their scared colleagues as Doug Yaun whistles to signal the three that they’re in the lobby on the couch in the fetal position sucking their thumbs)
Joshua Weissman:
Uncle Roger? Steve? Are you two okay? (Cut to the two as they nod no. Cut to James, Joshua, and Rowdy)
TLOTA:
She’s an actress named Merrilyn Crouch, who plays Alton’s sister, Marsha. Does that help? (Cut to Uncle Roger and Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
Partly, but OH MY GOD! She is scarier than anything I saw in the Uzumaki trailer. It was like a pastiche of every single “Kate Gosselin” fused into one Uber-Super-Mecha “Kate Gosselin!”
Uncle Roger:
Damn Straight, she's scary! She looks like Martha Stewart after eating Rachel Ray, Nigella Lawson, and Jamie Oliver, and I don’t mean just their food!
Steve Kidd:
I thought “The Star Wars Holiday Special” was hard to watch, being around her for... How long is this special? (Cut to James, Joshua and Rowdy)
TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison):
Forty-two minutes (Cut to Steve and Uncle Roger)
Steve Kidd and Uncle Roger (In Unison):
Forty-Two MINUTES?!
Steve Kidd:
We’re in for a long forty-two minutes, everyone.
Uncle Roger:
Especially since she looks like Ex-Wife after facial hair removal surgery! (Cut to everyone as they shudder in fear.)
TLOTA:
Okay, let’s take some deep breaths. (Everyone meditatively breathes for ten seconds before seeing how Uncle Roger and Steve Kidd make everyone scream in fear and terror.)
Rowdy:
OH GOD! WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!
Uncle Roger:
UNCLE ROGER CANNOT UNSEE THAT MONSTROCITY!
Steve Kidd:
THIS IS A BUG HUNT MAN! A BUG HUNT!
Joshua Weissman:
GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER! (Doug Yaun shouts “HEY!” then slaps the five across their faces)
Doug Yaun:
We’re counting on you to cook dinner for us in four days. Alton made his meal in the same amount of time; you guys can’t come unglued now! The only way through the nightmare is to go through it and pray you survive!
TLOTA:
He’s right! So, let’s get through it and make this meal! (Cut to everyone as they shout “Yeah!” in agreement. (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
As I was trying to say before the little meltdown, only a minute into this special, Alton discovered that the family side of the equation is the stuff he’s afraid of the most! Thankfully, he has the meal ready to go with a spatchcocked Turkey, Giblet Gravy, root vegetable panzanella, Pecan Pie, and Mashed Potatoes!
Steve Kidd (V.O.):
What? No Dressing or some type of Salad?
TLOTA (V.O.):
We’ll do our own dressing this time and a Salad. For now, Alton tells us that, between prep and cooking, it should take four calm days for us to make the Thanksgiving Dinner, Good Eats, once again! We then cut to Alton as he gets the bird from Chuck, played by Daniel Pettrow, who has made a successful business selling Turkeys the same way Ice Cream would be sold.
Steve Kidd (V.O.):
Hey Rowdy, doesn’t he look like...
Rowdy (V.O.):
Yes, yes, he does!
TLOTA (V.O.):
Alton goes through all the different types of Turkey based on their upbringing and the three levels of commercial selling. Either Fresh, which is barely above twenty-six degrees Fahrenheit; deep-chilled, which is Twenty-Five to Zero Degrees Fahrenheit; or Frozen, which basically everything below Zero Degrees Fahrenheit; and for the record, Steve, there’s more than water in a turkey that freezes, and Alton decides to go with the Pastured turkey, which is Broad breasted White which is raised like a Heritage Turkey. Alton decides to get one that’s fourteen pounds and Frozen.
Steve Kidd (V.O.):
So, how will he get it prepped for Thanksgiving in four days?
TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, we see his way to thaw the bird, which includes a pump from a Feng Shui Fountain hooked to a cooler with the bird weighed down and covered in enough water to cover the bird by a couple of inches. (Cut to everyone in the Kitchen)
TLOTA:
To save Uncle Roger and Steve another moment with “Marsha,” I am proud to give you my version 2.0 of the Thawing Rig! Starting off, the fish tank fits the bird like a glove. Next up, we take the bird and weigh it down with the plastic-coated chain on top of said bird, fill it up with water, and then proceed to connect this lovely internal fish tank pump/filter that should thaw this bird in the same amount of time that Alton’s turkey would take to thaw out. While we wait for the bird to melt, let’s go back to the show with Alton as we prepare to add flavor to the bird. (Cut to Alton Brown talking about how poultry brines work and their downsides. Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Full disclosure: I tried this and realized it needed some adjustments. Starting with three tablespoons of salt augmented with a teaspoon and a half of MSG! (Uncle Roger pops up and shouts, “FUU-YOO!”)
Uncle Roger:
So, you allow yourself the MSG back into your diet
TLOTA:
I used only a teaspoon and a half because, according to my doctor, that is how much I am allowed to have in this recipe responsibly medically!
Uncle Roger:
Of course, medically responsible amount according to a doctor.
TLOTA:
Next up, two tablespoons of peppercorns, half a tablespoon of my poultry seasoning mix, half a teaspoon of allspice berries, and half a teaspoon of garlic powder! And then we grind away! (Cut to everyone in the kitchen.) Now, I’m sure that we have seen Joshua take the bones out of the bird, which has been thawed and is ready for the dry brine we have made as he did to his turkey in his ideal Ultimate Thanksgiving dinner, which I will put the link to here. Still, we will not be throwing out the bones or anything else because we will make a broth from the bones to make the Giblet Gravy with. Joshua, would you please help me with the broth? (Cut to James as he pulls out his electric pressure cooker as Joshua Weismann does a voiceover.)
Joshua Weismann (V.O.):
Naturally, we start off with a teaspoon of the dry cure, one onion chopped in half, two carrots roughly chopped, the same amount of Celery, half a teaspoon of salt and pepper, and, believe it or not, enough Turkey Broth to cover the carcass and the wing tips. That sounds weird, but James made this. But why Turkey Broth?
TLOTA:
To enhance the turkey flavor.
Joshua Weismann (V.O.):
That makes no sense to me, but again, James made this recipe; I’ll make my own version of it eventually. We set the cooker to slow mode and let it cook away until whatever little bits of meat are left on the bones are in the bottom of the cooker. As for the bird, James will take half of the remaining dry cure and put it on the inside of the got-dang bird and the rest on the outside, then put the bird on a loosely covered and racked sheet pan in the fridge. Can I ask why?
TLOTA:
Alton will answer that one. (Cut to Alton talking about how doing this will produce a Turkey in the same way as a Peking Duck. Uncle Roger pops up, looking at the bird after hearing how this is the same way they dry age something like this for Peking Duck)
Uncle Roger:
Hmmm, not bad, not bad; using some techniques from Peking Duck might make turkey more flavorful! Fuu-Yoo! (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
With that, Alton starts his countdown for Thanksgiving. (Cut to everyone in James’ Kitchen)
TLOTA:
And so shall we, and in twelve hours, we shall be back to begin more prep work, including the veggies, the dressing, the pecan pie, the potatoes, the gravy, and the salad. (James hits the timer button, which starts the timer, which sounds like the time elapses from “24.”) In the meantime, we shall give you all the “Marsha” episodes of “Good Eats” that you can handle so that we won’t get you two off the walls every time she comes on the screen in this special. (The camera zooms to the timer as the numbers continue to count down, and we see multiple screens of everyone as they watch all the episodes of “Good Eats” with Marsha in them. James handles it normally, as does Rowdy and Joshua, while Uncle Roger and Steve Kidd slowly realize “Marsha” is not as scary as they made her out to be. Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
As the countdown continues, we see Alton relaxing as Marsha tells Alton about Aunt Sophie being stuck in the bathtub in her scooter. Don’t know how that happened exactly, especially since that would break bathtubs, but the only reason Alton has her is because of her spiced pecans, which will be going into Pecan Pie. (Cut to everyone in the kitchen)
TLOTA:
We will be making it with the same crust Alton makes, or rather, how Alton’s Uncle Col. Bob Boatwright does it.
Everyone else (In unison):
Who?
TLOTA:
Okay, play it. (Show Alton as he tells us the ingredients for the crust for the Pecan pie, saying, “Kosher Cutting Torch!” then “Oh Bother!” as we then see Col. Bob Boatwright, played by Alton Brown, make the crust. Cut to everyone else as they have their own Vietnam flashbacks to when they first saw the Colonel on a bucket of KFC and how Joshua dressed like that Colonel.)
Steve Kidd:
Was that?
TLOTA:
Yes! It was Alton Brown dressed as a particular Southern cooking Icon.
Joshua Weismann:
The fact I dressed like that scares me!
(Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
So after seeing how the Colonel made the crust while dealing with his own Nurse Ratched, Alton comes back to make the filling, which is how we did our filling except for the fact we used egg yolks, five of them, and instead of the sugar and golden syrup, we instead used honey, and instead of crushing up ALL of the Pecans, I wanted to be able to see the drupe seeds we had so we can enjoy them better so we made our own spiced pecans and left them whole or as whole as we could and followed the instructions of cooking it to the letter. Alton then goes into chopping the veggies for the panzanella. Which is where we pick up in our cooking venture.)
TLOTA:
I am on potato detail as I slice the taters paper thin with a mandolin!
Uncle Roger (Off-Screen):
How do you cut the potatoes with an orange?
TLOTA:
Mandolin, not Mandarin. Steve, what are you up to? (Cut to Steve Kidd)
Steve Kidd:
I am prepping the dressing by drying out the bread for the dressing and the bread for the Panzanella using the same bread and adding a Challah Loaf. Joshua, how are the veggies for the panzanella coming? (Cut to Joshua Weismann and Uncle Roger)
Joshua Weismann:
Me and Uncle Roger are doing nicely
Uncle Roger:
Especially with the aromatics. Cousin Rowdy, how are you with what you’re up to? (Cut to Rowdy as he filters the bones and solids out of the still-warmed broth.)
Rowdy:
Surprisingly good, all things considered. Now I have the honor of cooking then chopping the Giblets. But can Alton tell us what it is about Giblets that is good about them? They’re just organ meat. (Cut to Alton and “Sid,” the food super-agent, as Sid talks about Giblets as Alton makes his Giblet broth and then gravy. Cut to everyone else as they continue to prepare the side dishes.)
TLOTA:
Actually, let’s look at the timer and... (Cut to the timer as it continues the countdown as the numbers continue to count down as we see multiple screens of everyone looking and seeing they have an extra day after all they did, James cleaning up the mess from the prep and James’ team hosting an MST3K Turkey Day Marathon for Steve Kidd, Uncle Roger, Rowdy and Joshua Weismann. Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
As Alton’s countdown now shows, it’s just about time to cook the bird and the root vegetables for the Panzanella and the turkey, and I also pull the... (Show Sid chuckle, then say “Giblets”) I will do this since I will have a little fun this year. (Show Sid as he chuckles and says, “Giblets,” like Woody Woodpecker laughing. Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James continues his voiceover) As Alton makes his potatoes with a gallon of whole milk to make his mashed potatoes, I figured I’d do something similar. (Cut to James in the kitchen as the timer shows he has a half hour more than Alton.)
TLOTA:
To make my mashed potatoes, I start with sliced potatoes and have the starch removed with enough milk to cover the potatoes. I add a smashed clove of Garlic, a half of a stick of unsalted butter, a teaspoon of kosher salt and slowly simmer the potatoes until they are cooked through. Then, with my whisk, I stir the potatoes until they are smoother than Joel Robuchon’s and tastier! Now, let's move on to finalizing the Giblet Gravy, which, for Alton, is a little tougher than he expected. (Cut to Alton as he must deal with Sid and “Marsha” while making the Gravy. Cut to James as he prepares his version of the Giblet Gravy.) Fortunately, I do not have such interruptions, what I do have is the broth, reducing to the consistency of gravy because unfortunately in my experience slurry-based gravies turn into a pudding mold and I’ve had to cut the flour-based roux thickened gravies to once a year and for me it’s usually during Christmas time. So, by the time the broth reduces to the gravy consistency,, it is warm enough to re-heat the giblets. (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
As the cooking for Alton ends just at the right time for the gravy be ready, the turkey to come out of the oven, the Panzanella finishes cooking, Alton finishes making the potatoes with a ricer and fifteen seconds with a hand mixer, and the episode ends with the timer hitting zero, Alton glad he could help those get over their fears of Thanksgiving cooking and the family frenzy and wishes us a happy Thanksgiving as everyone takes a dish to the table. (Cut to James, everyone in Team TLOTA, Rowdy, Steve, Uncle Roger, and Joshua Weismann at the same table with the meal they prepared ready to be served.)
TLOTA:
And now we celebrate with the meal we took four days to make and hours to cook with minimal stress. Cheers Y Salud! (Cut to everyone as they say Salud. Cut to clips of “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA(V.O.):
So that was “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird,” a reasonably good episode celebrating Thanksgiving. Is it as good as the first time around when Alton talked about Thanksgiving in 1999? No, however, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad episode. In fact, I like it as the stand-alone special it is. The recipes were good, the story was appealing, and I liked how everything was paced. If you’re looking for it, it is available on Discovery+. If you haven’t seen it, what are you doing here? Watch it and see if you can survive the “Countdown to T-Day." (Cut to James alone as he begins the cleanup of the meal.)
TLOTA:
Well, we survived the countdown and the meal itself. While everyone is taking it easy, I am dealing with the clean-up. Happy Thanksgiving, and as always, I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion. (James continues the cleanup as it fades to black, then cuts to an hour later as James looks at the picture and audio of James and Julia Alexa Miller plays as James asks to marry her. Julia Alexa Miller gasps in shock, then the audio Julia Alexa Miller saying “Yes.”)
TLOTA:
Should’ve known better.
Doug Yaun (Audio only):
What should you have known better, James? (Cut to Doug as he walks to James and turns him away from looking at the picture and towards him.)
TLOTA:
I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work out, mainly since no one in my family supported the relationship. My dad, God Rest His Soul, told me, “Bubba, if this works out, it will take a miracle that would tax God.” With his usual attitude, Chris tried to force her out of me. My sister tried to persuade her by letting her thoughts be known that I was good enough for someone like her. My mom was the ONLY person relatively hoping that the relationship would end with me and her together, and my other brother, God Rest His Soul, was honestly happy for me when he said, “I deserve someone who will help and take care of you the way you take care of mom and dad.” Now I’m near his age, it will be a miracle not even God himself can provide if I live to be older than he was. (Cut to Doug Yaun)
Doug Yaun:
Dude, you know what I’m going through. Seeing it happen with you surprises me. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
It shouldn’t. My love life is a never-ending winter, and spring is never coming. It’s just something I’ve had to accept. No matter what happens, I wind up single. The only way is for me to go back and convince myself to leave them alone. They’ll never have any interest in you. Even if you make something and say that they inspired it, they will never give you the time of day.
Doug Yaun:
That’s not the James Faraci I’ve known, okay? I will admit holding on to a bare glimmer of hope is hard, especially in the last few years. But still, even after everything you have been through—what we all have been through—giving up on believing that things will get better is not healthy.
TLOTA:
Then what is healthy? To look for that one light that isn’t there. I can’t keep looking for something that isn’t there. What’s left for all of us is survival, no big celebrations, no happy events, just us doing whatever we can to make it to the next day.
Doug Yaun:
I see that you’re exhausted, do me a favor, don’t give up because everything around you is falling apart, please. (Doug walks away and closes the door behind James.) For your sake, find something suitable for you. (Scene fades to black)
