The Top Ten Gizmoplex Era Episodes of MST3K (so far)

 (Scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand tapping an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and Doug Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Doug Yaun, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. In 1999, many people thought that once the MST3K episode "Diabolik" aired, that was the end of the line for the crew aboard the Sattelite of Love! (Cut to clips of MST3K "Diabolik" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): And to be perfectly honest, it ended on the right notes. Mike was going home after Pearl Forrester had done everything she could to torment them. He took Tom and Crow to his little neck of the woods and did what they were doing while on the Sattelite but now in their own home. While GYPC decided to make a few bucks on the Internet Boom then. (Cut to the current era of MST3K as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.): Cut to 2010, Joel Hodgson had just reacquired the rights to MST3K ownership and decided to bring the show back. Working with "Shout Factory," who had kept the MST3K brand alive since obtaining the rights to distribute the episodes they could legally share on the home market and the burgeoning streaming service market began plans to revive the brand and by 2015 had successfully crowdfunded the series for a new season, found a new home with Netflix and had gotten a new line up in the cast including Jonah Ray to play Jonah Heston, Hampton Yount to be the third performer for Crow T. Robot, Baron Vaughn to be Tom Servo's third performer, Patton Oswald as TV's Max, son of TV's Frank and Felicia Day as Kinga Forrester along with returning bit player Mary Jo Pehl to stop by as Pearl Forrester and by 2017 The Sattelite Of Love had returned as Netflix aired the new MST3K series and I loved it. There was a mix of the old style of how to riff a movie and a newer style that allowed more funny moments in the host segments and on the riffs. But by 2019, after two successful seasons, Netflix gave the series the ax. However, Joel was unwilling to let go; he went back to crowdfunding and successfully created his own streaming service, "The Gizmoplex," to help Joel fund the following season after getting the ax from Netflix. This new season would bring Jonah back as well as bring in occasional road tour hostess Emily Marsh as Emily Connor, and Joel Hodgson came back for two whole episodes as Joel Robinson and a co-host of the final episode (For now) as the latest crowdfunding failed to meet its goal. And with the future of the series now in question, again, we can be sure of one thing: no one will be forgetting MST3K anytime soon, and with The Gizmoplex still running, we've got enough MST3K for a hundred dozen Turkey Day Marathons. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And for me, another Top Ten MST3K list, just in time for Thanksgiving. (Cut to the current MST3K episodes and classic episodes as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.) For this list, I am splitting it up into the following: Most will go to Jonah, as he has been doing the most; three of the episodes will go to Emily; the seven, five spots and She will be a part of the number one spot; and two classics that I discovered because of streaming and the Gizmoplex. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: With that little bit out of the way, let's get into the top ten Gizmoplex Era episodes of MST3K (so far). (Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, and a camera looks around, James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting, and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where the camera symbolizes. James looks in before closing the door, and the words "Top 10 episodes of The Gizmoplex Era of Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown. James closes the door, revealing the Number.) TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 10

(Cut to the MST3K "MUNCHIE" episode as James does a voiceover.)

10) "MUNCHIE"

TLOTA (V.O.): WHOLLY HELL! What did I just see?! When the Gizmoplex crew first saw the abomination known as "Munchie," the only other thing I could compare it to was some of the worst in the MST3K's past like "Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders," "Monster A Go-Go," and "The Castle Of Fu Manchu!" I'm not even joking; this was undoubtedly one of the more painful experiences of an episode. The jokes were fantastic when they made fun of the movie. But when you first see Munchie, remember when Steve Kidd and Uncle Roger had seen Alton Brown's "Sister" Marsha for the first time? That was similar to the events when Jonah and the bots saw Munchie. The reaction was not that different, resembling what had happened here. In fact, Kinga Forrester actress Felicia Day saw the movie, and the first time she saw the unholy entity that was Munchie, she was freaked out. If it was scary enough to scare the crap out of Felicia Day, it must have been therapeutic when for her as Kinga Forester to force Jonah and the Bots to watch the movie. If I had to force myself to continue, I would need a lot of psychiatric assistance. "Munchie," thank your lucky stars that I made my Top Ten Worst movies on MST3K at the start of this neverending winter in 2020!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looks in, uses a Bulb Baster, and closes the door, revealing the Number.) TLOTA (Voiceover): Number 9

(Cut to the MST3K "Gamera vs Jiger" episode as James does a voiceover.)

9) Gamera vs Jiger

TLOTA (V.O.):
Gamera and MST3K go well together, like Chinese food and Jasmine Tea. This time, Jonah must take on the mega turtle that haunted Joel throughout his run. The jokes about the Expo flow plenty in this one. The riffs make the movie more enjoyable, and it was worth the wait for many MST3K fans to see Jiger get its darts attacking him. We also have these two English-speaking kids who must be translated into English! Gamera looks like he's seen better days. In addition, there are so many jokes about how inept most of the people are in this movie, making it even easier for riffing. Then we come to the end of the episode as Crow, Servo, Jonah, and GYPC doing an Irish/Boston wake for Jiger after watching this movie for what felt like a lifetime. Remember that an average MST3K episode is ninety minutes without the commercials. So, for this Gamera movie, being that long is a surprise. What else can be said except? (Singing): The movie was not crazy wrong, nothing left but to sing the song. Sing the song of Gam-er-a!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Renee putting a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8

(Cut to the MST3K "Mac and Me" episode as James does a voiceover.)

8) "Mac and Me"

TLOTA (V.O.):
Technically, this and the one at the number three spot are available on Netflix, but they're also on The Gizmoplex for a couple of bucks. Still, they're worthy of being on the list. This dollar store knock-off of ET, which had the most blatant McDonald's advertising subtlety, remains fodder for Paul Rudd fans; look it up for more context, but the fact they go hog wild with the McDonald's references at the right time makes a lot of the jokes about this movie feel so good, plus this started out the thirtieth anniversary for the series in a binge challenge called "The Gauntlet."  And if this was how "The Gauntlet" started off, by the end, you'd feel like Rocky Balboa after going toe to toe with Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gunn, and Mason Dixon in a marathon Boxing fight. Talking from experience on this one. "Mac & Me," What was the connection to Paul Rudd? 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Brenda Fonseca putting their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door, revealing the Number.)  

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 7

(Cut to the "The Batwoman" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

7)  "The Batwoman"

TLOTA (V.O.):
This was Mexico's answer to the campy 1960s Batman movie, and the plot is paper thin. A Crime-fighting female luchador has to stop a crazed scientist from making gill men from spinal fluids from other luchadors. The jokes and riffs lend themselves to the obvious about the character of The Batwoman. Especially when Crow and Tom Servo play up certain things, including... (Show the clip of Emily in her dress as the saxophone from "Careless Whisper" plays. Cut to James physically; he looks adoring at Emily, and his right-hand slaps the taste out of his mouth.)

TLOTA:
I have been training myself to remind myself of one undeniable truth. I will not get the girl, and all my dating apps have clarified that I have no chance. (James' smile quickly turns to a sad look of reality hitting him like nobody's business. Cut to the "The Batwoman" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

Uh, Yeah. This is Emily's third episode; by this time, she has found her own way of doing the episodes. While she has had the fewest episodes of all the hosts, it was here that fans took a liking to her, and after this episode, it's apparent that she could eventually be worthy of being on the same level as Joel or Mike. If you want to see how great she is, check out this episode and the one at the number five spot.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes, and Nick Yaun puts a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 6

(Cut to the "The Dead Talk Back" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

6) The Dead Talk Back

TLOTA (V.O.):
This was Mike hitting his stride as a host of the series. After the short "The Selling Wizard," Mike and the bots face a murder mystery in which one character, Henry Krasker, is working on a device meant to contact those who have passed away and how it could help those who have been murdered. What makes this episode worth it is the characters in the movie and how Mike and the bots tear them to shreds. And I loved the character of Mattling, played by Kyle Stanton; he's one of those guys who you will see on the streets saying that his way of following God is the right way and by today's way of doing things would be going viral for his bible thumping, especially in the interrogation scene. (Show the MST3K clip of Mattling's interrogation scene from "The Dead Talk Back." Cut to the "The Dead Talk Back" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.): Toss in Crow's never-ending guitar solo and one of the best interactions between Frank and Dr. Forrester, in which they want to interrogate Mike and the Bots. You can tell that Trace Beaulieu was reacting honestly to Frank's confession, and I loved every second of it. The first time I enjoyed this was through streaming. Thanks to The Gizmoplex and YouTube, I can enjoy Mattling and the Murder Mystery for all it's worth and the simple acts of trying to solve a mystery about whether Krasker's device will help "The Dead Talk Back."

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Rebecca Yaun moving the Stuffing over, placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven, and closing the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 5

(Cut to the "Doctor Mordrid" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

5) Doctor Mordrid

TLOTA (V.O.):
Emily Connor's second episode and this episode, which features a D-level knock-off of a specific Marvel character, Show how great she is and what she can do when she takes on the material head-on, not be afraid to make fun of it. I am OK with them doing that, especially when the movie takes place in Manhattan. Moreover, Jeffrey Combs's performance as the main character is a highlight of the film. The riffs are good, and they even sneak in a reference to "The Room" in the riffs. (Show clip of crow saying "Oh Hai Mark!" Cut to the "Doctor Mordrid" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Should you "Fugghetaboutit" regarding the movie and the riffs from Emily and The Bots? No, it's excellent, and you should see it, especially when you are talking about the coolness of Jeffrey Combs if he were to have put on the cape and the eye and had the name Marvel gave Benedict Cumberbatch. 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground wherein the camera symbolizes Doug Yaun moving the Croissant Rolls and placing them in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 4

(Cut to the "Rocket Attack USA" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

4) Rocket Attack USA

TLOTA (V.O.):
This Joel classic was the first time I saw an episode on a streaming service. The jokes hit perfectly, especially the Civil Defense Quiz Bowl and the McCarthy hearings on Un-American activities. But that ending was just proper for how one would feel, especially at the end of the year. I have even timed all the jokes and comments in the ending so that I feel part of the episode. What also makes this episode noteworthy is, as I mentioned in my Top Ten Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank list, this was possibly The Mads' best victory over Joel and The Bots, however people rarely talked about this episode. However, since the introduction of The Gizmoplex, this episode has got better recognition. And it doesn't even upset me at all! (Cut to the ending of the MST3K Episode as it plays out, and Frank pushes the button and shuts the screen off.)

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Andrew Beach as He places corn in the oven and closes the door, revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number 3

(Cut to the "The Loves Of Hercules" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

3) The Loves of Hercules

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Law & Order SVU" fans take note of the credits in the movie; that's right, Mariska's parents, Mickey Hargitay and Jayne Mansfield are in this one, and the performances have all the earmarks of what a "Hercules" movie of that caliber. One of the better moments outside of the riffs in the film was the introduction of M. Waverly.  Especially when Crow and Tom Servo beat the circuits out of the poor bot! (Show clip of M. Waverly being beaten to a pulp off-screen as Crow and Servo say their humorous lines, including "C-3P OH I DON'T THINK SO BUSTER!" Cut to the ending of the movie/episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Then, everyone gets the chance to sing the operatic ending of the movie. It is a fun episode, the riffs are hilariously entertaining, the movie lends itself to the cheesiness of the time it was made, and all things considered, if you haven't seen this episode, what are you waiting for. Nothing left to do but (Singing the same note as everyone else in the clip is doing.)

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Paulo Fonseca placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door to reveal the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2

(Cut to the "The Million Eyes of Sumuru" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

2) The Million Eyes of Sumuru

TLOTA (V.O.):
Watching this gave me "Castle of Fu Manchu" vibes; of course, the same people who made "Castle Of Fu Manchu" made this, which didn't help. The plot is about two CIA agents who wind up in Hong Kong. One of them is Frankie Avalon, and they are joined by a British Intelligence agent who finds this female who has plans to, that's right, eliminate the Y Chromosome and take over the world (Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut to the "The Million Eyes of Sumuru" MST3K episode as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
However, unlike Joel and the bots when they took on "Fu Manchu," Jonah and the bots could survive it by getting ahead of everything and surviving the movie with their riffing abilities and sanity intact, but barely. "The Million Eyes Of Sumuru" Your predecessor, "Castle Of Fu Manchu," nearly broke the host and the bots; you almost came close but not close enough.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Eric Kurtzke placing Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However, the weight of what's in the oven falls, causing a crater in the Kitchen; it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting, "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven is revealing the Number)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

 And the number one moment on Mystery Science Theater 3000 from the Gizmoplex Era so far is... (Cut to "The Christmas Dragon" MST3K Episode as James does a voiceover.)

1) The Christmas Dragon 

TLOTA (V.O.):
As of this post, this is the final episode; for now, what a way to go out. Not only did the three hosts riff on this "Lord Of The Rings-"esque Christmas movie, This was so awesome, as not only did Jonah, Emily, and the recently recaptured Joel Robinson, played by Joel Hodgson, share the hosting/riffing duties, but they also had the three of them team up at the end act but the three actually make good on their subtly hidden plan of escaping Kinga and The Gizmoplex. As for Kinga, she's left with a destroyed Gizmoplex and no one to force bad movies on except the bots. The film has that 2000 cheesy and outdated CGI that could've been in the "Lord Of The Rings" movie trilogy, but Peter Jackson nixed it, thankfully. But whatever this movie was, it might be better than that live-action "How To Train Your Dragon" movie when it comes out. I was also glad to see Joel and the new generation work well together. I wish Mike was there, but I understand why he isn't involved. One day, we'll see the ultimate riffing team up, but for now, I am glad to say that I have one Christmas wish for Joel to return and for him to work with his successors. Until more episodes come out, "The Christmas Dragon" is the number-one episode of the Gizmoplex era for now. ( Show ending of "The Christmas Dragon" MST3K episode. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Are there any other of the few episodes left from the current series that you liked? Then, let me know in the comment section below. As for the future of the Gizmoplex and MST3K, I'm hoping for more episodes, and before I forget, I want to say Happy 35th Anniversary to MST3K! (The MST3K Turkey Day Hymn) Now it's Turkey Day Marathon time.  Next month, we will go through another Christmas Gift Guide/ Top Five Best of this year and the top ten best/well-known behind-the-scenes stories from The Last Of The Americans. Until December, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that's my opinion.

The Final "Countdown to T-Day"

(The scene begins with a smartwatch screen and a finger as it taps the screen, and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand tapping an app on his phone as it opens a portal, and it cuts to James and the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun and Doug Yaun and the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Doug Yaun, Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Andrew Beach Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions" “Executive Producers: James Faraci, Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Andrew Beach & Olivia Horvath” “Editing by Eric Kurtzke and James Faraci” “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an image of James as he jumps through the portal and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a black background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James, Rowdy, Steve Kidd, Uncle Roger, and Joshua Weissman in the office kitchen as they say “Hello!” and Uncle Roger says “Fuu-Yoh!”) 

TLOTA: 
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. It’s November, and it’s time again to cook turkey for us. 

Rowdy: 
And I take it we’ll be under the tutelage of one Alton Brown again. 

Steve Kidd: 
Again? 

TLOTA: 
The past two years I have used Alton Brown’s cooking show “Good Eats” for review material. 

Steve Kidd: 
Okay, so you’re going to talk about the episode of “Good Eats” while we cook the recipes or, rather, your variation of the recipe. 

TLOTA: 
You’re catching on quickly! 

Steve Kidd: 
This ought to be fun. Did this Alton Brown make Thanksgiving dinner already? 

TLOTA: 
Yea, and from that came a wellspring of episodes, including the one we’re talking about today. (Cut to the “Good Eats” title card, then clips of “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover.) 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Considered to be one of the last significant episodes of the series until its own short-lived revival a few years later. “Countdown to T-Day" or “Re-Romancing The Bird” is an updated version of the meal that brought him to the forefront of food couture on television. But will this end up being a great swansong or will it, like the turkeys that bombed the Pinedale Shopping Mall in Cincinnati, Ohio, be remembered for all the WRONG and right reasons. Well, let’s see how this dinner comes out for Alton... (Cut to James and everyone else in the kitchen.) 

TLOTA: 
And we join Alton in his final “Countdown to T-Day" as we Re-Romance and cook the bird with Alton Brown. (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
The episode begins with Alton as he looks over a big book of Phobias. Many of them concern food, including the fear of using Chopsticks, Vegetables, and Garlic, which is rather farfetched. 

Uncle Roger (V.O.): 
Precisely, why be afraid of Chopsticks? That weak Pussy Ass Shit! Hai-Yaa! 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, one phobia seems to resonate with Alton, Diemeleagrisphobia; even though the actual term is Gratiarophobia, I’ll let it slide. But thanks to therapy Alton conquered and discovered that the fear didn’t come from making the meal, it came from... (Show the moment Alton’s Sister “Marsha” comes in wanting to decorate the house as we hear two distinct people, one being Steve Kidd screaming, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! OH NO!” repeatedly, and “Uncle Roger” screaming in fear! Cut to the Kitchen as Steve Kidd and Uncle Roger go running out the door as Joshua Weismann, James, and Rowdy go looking for their scared colleagues as Doug Yaun whistles to signal the three that they’re in the lobby on the couch in the fetal position sucking their thumbs) 

Joshua Weissman: 
Uncle Roger? Steve? Are you two okay? (Cut to the two as they nod no. Cut to James, Joshua, and Rowdy) 

TLOTA: 
She’s an actress named Merrilyn Crouch, who plays Alton’s sister, Marsha. Does that help? (Cut to Uncle Roger and Steve Kidd) 

Steve Kidd: 
Partly, but OH MY GOD! She is scarier than anything I saw in the Uzumaki trailer. It was like a pastiche of every single “Kate Gosselin” fused into one Uber-Super-Mecha “Kate Gosselin!” 

Uncle Roger: 
Damn Straight, she's scary! She looks like Martha Stewart after eating Rachel Ray, Nigella Lawson, and Jamie Oliver, and I don’t mean just their food! 

Steve Kidd: 
I thought “The Star Wars Holiday Special” was hard to watch, being around her for... How long is this special? (Cut to James, Joshua and Rowdy) 

TLOTA & Rowdy (In Unison): 
Forty-two minutes (Cut to Steve and Uncle Roger) 

Steve Kidd and Uncle Roger (In Unison): 
Forty-Two MINUTES?! 

Steve Kidd: 
We’re in for a long forty-two minutes, everyone. 

Uncle Roger: 
Especially since she looks like Ex-Wife after facial hair removal surgery! (Cut to everyone as they shudder in fear.) 

TLOTA: 
Okay, let’s take some deep breaths. (Everyone meditatively breathes for ten seconds before seeing how Uncle Roger and Steve Kidd make everyone scream in fear and terror.) 

Rowdy: 
OH GOD! WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT! 

Uncle Roger: 
UNCLE ROGER CANNOT UNSEE THAT MONSTROCITY! 

Steve Kidd: 
THIS IS A BUG HUNT MAN! A BUG HUNT! 

Joshua Weissman: 
GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER! (Doug Yaun shouts “HEY!” then slaps the five across their faces) 

Doug Yaun: 
We’re counting on you to cook dinner for us in four days. Alton made his meal in the same amount of time; you guys can’t come unglued now! The only way through the nightmare is to go through it and pray you survive! 

TLOTA: 
He’s right! So, let’s get through it and make this meal! (Cut to everyone as they shout “Yeah!” in agreement. (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
As I was trying to say before the little meltdown, only a minute into this special, Alton discovered that the family side of the equation is the stuff he’s afraid of the most! Thankfully, he has the meal ready to go with a spatchcocked Turkey, Giblet Gravy, root vegetable panzanella, Pecan Pie, and Mashed Potatoes! 

Steve Kidd (V.O.): 
What? No Dressing or some type of Salad? 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
We’ll do our own dressing this time and a Salad. For now, Alton tells us that, between prep and cooking, it should take four calm days for us to make the Thanksgiving Dinner, Good Eats, once again! We then cut to Alton as he gets the bird from Chuck, played by Daniel Pettrow, who has made a successful business selling Turkeys the same way Ice Cream would be sold. 

Steve Kidd (V.O.): 
Hey Rowdy, doesn’t he look like... 

Rowdy (V.O.): 
Yes, yes, he does! 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Alton goes through all the different types of Turkey based on their upbringing and the three levels of commercial selling. Either Fresh, which is barely above twenty-six degrees Fahrenheit; deep-chilled, which is Twenty-Five to Zero Degrees Fahrenheit; or Frozen, which basically everything below Zero Degrees Fahrenheit; and for the record, Steve, there’s more than water in a turkey that freezes, and Alton decides to go with the Pastured turkey, which is Broad breasted White which is raised like a Heritage Turkey. Alton decides to get one that’s fourteen pounds and Frozen. 

Steve Kidd (V.O.): 
So, how will he get it prepped for Thanksgiving in four days? 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Well, we see his way to thaw the bird, which includes a pump from a Feng Shui Fountain hooked to a cooler with the bird weighed down and covered in enough water to cover the bird by a couple of inches. (Cut to everyone in the Kitchen) 

TLOTA: 
To save Uncle Roger and Steve another moment with “Marsha,” I am proud to give you my version 2.0 of the Thawing Rig! Starting off, the fish tank fits the bird like a glove. Next up, we take the bird and weigh it down with the plastic-coated chain on top of said bird, fill it up with water, and then proceed to connect this lovely internal fish tank pump/filter that should thaw this bird in the same amount of time that Alton’s turkey would take to thaw out. While we wait for the bird to melt, let’s go back to the show with Alton as we prepare to add flavor to the bird. (Cut to Alton Brown talking about how poultry brines work and their downsides. Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA: 
Full disclosure: I tried this and realized it needed some adjustments. Starting with three tablespoons of salt augmented with a teaspoon and a half of MSG! (Uncle Roger pops up and shouts, “FUU-YOO!”) 

Uncle Roger: 
So, you allow yourself the MSG back into your diet 

TLOTA: 
I used only a teaspoon and a half because, according to my doctor, that is how much I am allowed to have in this recipe responsibly medically! 

Uncle Roger: 
Of course, medically responsible amount according to a doctor. 

TLOTA: 
Next up, two tablespoons of peppercorns, half a tablespoon of my poultry seasoning mix, half a teaspoon of allspice berries, and half a teaspoon of garlic powder! And then we grind away! (Cut to everyone in the kitchen.) Now, I’m sure that we have seen Joshua take the bones out of the bird, which has been thawed and is ready for the dry brine we have made as he did to his turkey in his ideal Ultimate Thanksgiving dinner, which I will put the link to here. Still, we will not be throwing out the bones or anything else because we will make a broth from the bones to make the Giblet Gravy with. Joshua, would you please help me with the broth? (Cut to James as he pulls out his electric pressure cooker as Joshua Weismann does a voiceover.) 

Joshua Weismann (V.O.): 
Naturally, we start off with a teaspoon of the dry cure, one onion chopped in half, two carrots roughly chopped, the same amount of Celery, half a teaspoon of salt and pepper, and, believe it or not, enough Turkey Broth to cover the carcass and the wing tips. That sounds weird, but James made this. But why Turkey Broth? 

TLOTA: 
To enhance the turkey flavor. 

Joshua Weismann (V.O.): 
That makes no sense to me, but again, James made this recipe; I’ll make my own version of it eventually. We set the cooker to slow mode and let it cook away until whatever little bits of meat are left on the bones are in the bottom of the cooker. As for the bird, James will take half of the remaining dry cure and put it on the inside of the got-dang bird and the rest on the outside, then put the bird on a loosely covered and racked sheet pan in the fridge. Can I ask why? 

TLOTA: 
Alton will answer that one. (Cut to Alton talking about how doing this will produce a Turkey in the same way as a Peking Duck. Uncle Roger pops up, looking at the bird after hearing how this is the same way they dry age something like this for Peking Duck) 

Uncle Roger: 
Hmmm, not bad, not bad; using some techniques from Peking Duck might make turkey more flavorful! Fuu-Yoo! (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
With that, Alton starts his countdown for Thanksgiving. (Cut to everyone in James’ Kitchen) 

TLOTA: 
And so shall we, and in twelve hours, we shall be back to begin more prep work, including the veggies, the dressing, the pecan pie, the potatoes, the gravy, and the salad. (James hits the timer button, which starts the timer, which sounds like the time elapses from “24.”) In the meantime, we shall give you all the “Marsha” episodes of “Good Eats” that you can handle so that we won’t get you two off the walls every time she comes on the screen in this special. (The camera zooms to the timer as the numbers continue to count down, and we see multiple screens of everyone as they watch all the episodes of “Good Eats” with Marsha in them. James handles it normally, as does Rowdy and Joshua, while Uncle Roger and Steve Kidd slowly realize “Marsha” is not as scary as they made her out to be. Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
As the countdown continues, we see Alton relaxing as Marsha tells Alton about Aunt Sophie being stuck in the bathtub in her scooter. Don’t know how that happened exactly, especially since that would break bathtubs, but the only reason Alton has her is because of her spiced pecans, which will be going into Pecan Pie. (Cut to everyone in the kitchen) 

TLOTA: 
We will be making it with the same crust Alton makes, or rather, how Alton’s Uncle Col. Bob Boatwright does it. 

Everyone else (In unison): 
Who? 

TLOTA: 
Okay, play it. (Show Alton as he tells us the ingredients for the crust for the Pecan pie, saying, “Kosher Cutting Torch!” then “Oh Bother!” as we then see Col. Bob Boatwright, played by Alton Brown, make the crust. Cut to everyone else as they have their own Vietnam flashbacks to when they first saw the Colonel on a bucket of KFC and how Joshua dressed like that Colonel.) 

Steve Kidd: 
Was that? 

TLOTA: 
Yes! It was Alton Brown dressed as a particular Southern cooking Icon. 

Joshua Weismann: 
The fact I dressed like that scares me! 

(Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
So after seeing how the Colonel made the crust while dealing with his own Nurse Ratched, Alton comes back to make the filling, which is how we did our filling except for the fact we used egg yolks, five of them, and instead of the sugar and golden syrup, we instead used honey, and instead of crushing up ALL of the Pecans, I wanted to be able to see the drupe seeds we had so we can enjoy them better so we made our own spiced pecans and left them whole or as whole as we could and followed the instructions of cooking it to the letter. Alton then goes into chopping the veggies for the panzanella. Which is where we pick up in our cooking venture.) 

TLOTA: 
I am on potato detail as I slice the taters paper thin with a mandolin! 

Uncle Roger (Off-Screen): 
How do you cut the potatoes with an orange? 

TLOTA: 
Mandolin, not Mandarin. Steve, what are you up to? (Cut to Steve Kidd) 

Steve Kidd: 
I am prepping the dressing by drying out the bread for the dressing and the bread for the Panzanella using the same bread and adding a Challah Loaf. Joshua, how are the veggies for the panzanella coming? (Cut to Joshua Weismann and Uncle Roger) 

Joshua Weismann: 
Me and Uncle Roger are doing nicely 

Uncle Roger: 
Especially with the aromatics. Cousin Rowdy, how are you with what you’re up to? (Cut to Rowdy as he filters the bones and solids out of the still-warmed broth.) 

Rowdy: 
Surprisingly good, all things considered. Now I have the honor of cooking then chopping the Giblets. But can Alton tell us what it is about Giblets that is good about them? They’re just organ meat. (Cut to Alton and “Sid,” the food super-agent, as Sid talks about Giblets as Alton makes his Giblet broth and then gravy. Cut to everyone else as they continue to prepare the side dishes.) 

TLOTA: 
Actually, let’s look at the timer and... (Cut to the timer as it continues the countdown as the numbers continue to count down as we see multiple screens of everyone looking and seeing they have an extra day after all they did, James cleaning up the mess from the prep and James’ team hosting an MST3K Turkey Day Marathon for Steve Kidd, Uncle Roger, Rowdy and Joshua Weismann. Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
As Alton’s countdown now shows, it’s just about time to cook the bird and the root vegetables for the Panzanella and the turkey, and I also pull the... (Show Sid chuckle, then say “Giblets”) I will do this since I will have a little fun this year. (Show Sid as he chuckles and says, “Giblets,” like Woody Woodpecker laughing. Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James continues his voiceover) As Alton makes his potatoes with a gallon of whole milk to make his mashed potatoes, I figured I’d do something similar. (Cut to James in the kitchen as the timer shows he has a half hour more than Alton.) 

TLOTA: 
To make my mashed potatoes, I start with sliced potatoes and have the starch removed with enough milk to cover the potatoes. I add a smashed clove of Garlic, a half of a stick of unsalted butter, a teaspoon of kosher salt and slowly simmer the potatoes until they are cooked through. Then, with my whisk, I stir the potatoes until they are smoother than Joel Robuchon’s and tastier! Now, let's move on to finalizing the Giblet Gravy, which, for Alton, is a little tougher than he expected. (Cut to Alton as he must deal with Sid and “Marsha” while making the Gravy. Cut to James as he prepares his version of the Giblet Gravy.) Fortunately, I do not have such interruptions, what I do have is the broth, reducing to the consistency of gravy because unfortunately in my experience slurry-based gravies turn into a pudding mold and I’ve had to cut the flour-based roux thickened gravies to once a year and for me it’s usually during Christmas time. So, by the time the broth reduces to the gravy consistency,, it is warm enough to re-heat the giblets. (Cut to “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
As the cooking for Alton ends just at the right time for the gravy be ready, the turkey to come out of the oven, the Panzanella finishes cooking, Alton finishes making the potatoes with a ricer and fifteen seconds with a hand mixer, and the episode ends with the timer hitting zero, Alton glad he could help those get over their fears of Thanksgiving cooking and the family frenzy and wishes us a happy Thanksgiving as everyone takes a dish to the table. (Cut to James, everyone in Team TLOTA, Rowdy, Steve, Uncle Roger, and Joshua Weismann at the same table with the meal they prepared ready to be served.) 

TLOTA: 
And now we celebrate with the meal we took four days to make and hours to cook with minimal stress. Cheers Y Salud! (Cut to everyone as they say Salud. Cut to clips of “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird” as James does a voiceover) 

TLOTA(V.O.): 
So that was “Countdown to T-Day/Re-Romancing The Bird,” a reasonably good episode celebrating Thanksgiving. Is it as good as the first time around when Alton talked about Thanksgiving in 1999? No, however, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad episode. In fact, I like it as the stand-alone special it is. The recipes were good, the story was appealing, and I liked how everything was paced. If you’re looking for it, it is available on Discovery+. If you haven’t seen it, what are you doing here? Watch it and see if you can survive the “Countdown to T-Day." (Cut to James alone as he begins the cleanup of the meal.) 

TLOTA: 
Well, we survived the countdown and the meal itself. While everyone is taking it easy, I am dealing with the clean-up. Happy Thanksgiving, and as always, I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and that’s my opinion. (James continues the cleanup as it fades to black, then cuts to an hour later as James looks at the picture and audio of James and Julia Alexa Miller plays as James asks to marry her. Julia Alexa Miller gasps in shock, then the audio Julia Alexa Miller saying “Yes.”) 

TLOTA: 
Should’ve known better. 

Doug Yaun (Audio only): 
What should you have known better, James? (Cut to Doug as he walks to James and turns him away from looking at the picture and towards him.) 

TLOTA: 
I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work out, mainly since no one in my family supported the relationship. My dad, God Rest His Soul, told me, “Bubba, if this works out, it will take a miracle that would tax God.” With his usual attitude, Chris tried to force her out of me. My sister tried to persuade her by letting her thoughts be known that I was good enough for someone like her. My mom was the ONLY person relatively hoping that the relationship would end with me and her together, and my other brother, God Rest His Soul, was honestly happy for me when he said, “I deserve someone who will help and take care of you the way you take care of mom and dad.” Now I’m near his age, it will be a miracle not even God himself can provide if I live to be older than he was. (Cut to Doug Yaun) 

Doug Yaun: 
Dude, you know what I’m going through. Seeing it happen with you surprises me. (Cut to James) 

TLOTA: 
It shouldn’t. My love life is a never-ending winter, and spring is never coming. It’s just something I’ve had to accept. No matter what happens, I wind up single. The only way is for me to go back and convince myself to leave them alone. They’ll never have any interest in you. Even if you make something and say that they inspired it, they will never give you the time of day. 

Doug Yaun: 
That’s not the James Faraci I’ve known, okay? I will admit holding on to a bare glimmer of hope is hard, especially in the last few years. But still, even after everything you have been through—what we all have been through—giving up on believing that things will get better is not healthy. 

TLOTA: 
Then what is healthy? To look for that one light that isn’t there. I can’t keep looking for something that isn’t there. What’s left for all of us is survival, no big celebrations, no happy events, just us doing whatever we can to make it to the next day. 

Doug Yaun: 
I see that you’re exhausted, do me a favor, don’t give up because everything around you is falling apart, please. (Doug walks away and closes the door behind James.) For your sake, find something suitable for you. (Scene fades to black)