(The opening consists of disturbing photos of James and his team wiped intermittently with moments of past October “The Last Of The Americans” reviews as a soundalike of season two’s “Rod Serling’s Night Gallery” opening theme combined with the 1994 “American Gladiators” plays in the foreground. At the seventeen-second mark, the words “The Last Of The Americans” is shown, then fade out. The word “Monstertober” is shown at the twenty-three-second mark, then fades out. At the twenty-seven mark, the words “Written and Directed by James Faraci” are shown, then fade out as the wipes end on James’ face before they pull back to a better distance.)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. While I am male, I know about the popularity of Lisa Frank. (Cut to images of Lisa Frank as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
In the ‘80s and ‘90s, Lisa Frank was the epitome of cool if you were a girl. And I had female relatives at that point who were into that stuff. However, as someone who likes art, I can see how she wanted a brighter color palette; the art reflects her style in more ways than one. Her work is very colorful, neon, and shiny, and has many animated animalistic details and stripes. (Cut to the Universal classic “Frankenstein” movies as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
“Frankenstein,” created by Mary Shelley, is about Dr Victor Frankenstein, in which he uses parts from different corpses to bring life back from the dead. At the same time, in the first movie, he was excited that his creation existed. The sequels had the Dr. Frankenstein-esque character either horrified, surprised, or some similar emotion when in the book, he was horrified by what he had done and spent the remainder of his life trying to find and destroy the creature, which is what happened in several variations of the movie. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Who thought these two properties would be good to combine? (Cut to a picture of Diablo Cody and her work as a writer and director. Cut to James) Uh, is she in the director’s chair? If not, then I hope whoever is in that chair better be... (Cut to a picture of Zelda Williams with an arrow pointed at her next to her dad, Robin Williams, as dramatic shock music is played. Cut to James physically scared stupid) MONSTERTOBER 2024 CANCELLED, SEE EVERYONE IN NOVEMBER! (James starts to run off as he repeatedly screams out and cries, “NO! I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA! NO! NO! NO! NO!” as his team schleps him back into the frame and then yells, “SHUT UP!” as it cuts to Doug Yaun.)
Doug Yaun:
Look, I get that you don’t want to review it because the Director is the daughter of Robin Williams, but think about this, it will bring people to the movie. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Let me guess: Are you guys being paid extra by someone? (Static cuts as it cuts to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
How did you know? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I took a guess. I take it from the fact that you cameoed in my review of the 25th season of “Law & Order SVU” and said it, but I was hoping I could avoid it. But since I can’t, I would like to introduce you to a new associate of mine. (Static cuts to an empty chair as we hear someone in the background shout: “ONE MOMENT!” then we find Ashleigh Burton (AKA Awkward Ashleigh, host of “Millennial Movie Mondays”) as she sits down, ready to be on screen!)
Awkward Ashleigh:
Hi, yes, HELLO! And... James! How are you doing? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Not too good right now! (Cut to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
I’m sorry, but who in the hell is she? (Cut to Ashleigh Burton)
Ashleigh Burton:
Well, since you don’t know me, I’m Ashleigh, the host of Millennial Movie Mondays, and since James is a returning viewer, I say to you, “Welcome back!” I’m a millennial who likes to return to your older classic movies for the first time on Mondays and Wednesdays. I check out a series I have not seen and make Member requests on Fridays, except for Hallo-Beans and Jingle Beans. Then I give you a preview review, which is what I think the movie is about based on Pop Culture, and after I watch the movie, I give you my review, whether I liked it or not, whether it stands the test of time, etc., and then I give it stars based on personal preference and what the hell do I know. So, I am also here to remind James of the Tennessee connection to the Frankenstein legend, which I did through the scary opening. Uh, would you mind telling me who she is? (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
Ashleigh say hello to Allison Pregler, the host of “Baywatching” and “Movie Nights” and occasional co-hosts with her hubben Phelous on his various programs, all on YouTube. (Cut to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
Who is not involved in this one, besides, I never tormented you in the past, so guess what? There, you star and stripe-wearing hypocrite, I wanted to send you something that would hopefully send you over the edge. (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
As if everything that I have been through since 2019 hasn’t been a nightmare that drives me out of what’s left of my mind! Fine, let’s do it! (Cut to the title card of “Lisa Frankenstein” and then to clips of the trailers as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Released earlier this year, “Lisa Frankenstein” is the directorial debut of Robin Williams’ Daughter Zelda and is a mix of 1980s cheesiness, the Frankenstein legend, and the darker tones of a teen horror comedy of the time. But will this automatically remind me of “Army Of Darkness,” where I can watch and relax, or will this be something my sanity, which, at this point in my life, has dwindled down so far that I’m sure the next bit of bad news will send me over a cliff? But we’ll find out today! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
And as Ashleigh likes to say, “No more diddle dallying! Let’s get right into “Lisa Frankenstein.” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Alright, we open with some Gothically animated opening credits, which I must admit are pretty beautiful and set up the backstory of one of the characters; we then cut to this girl who likes to do a rubbing of the gravestones as we’re introduced to Lisa, played by Kathyrn Newton, who has issues with just being okay with herself as her stepsister Taffy, played by Liza Soberano tells her that they’re going to this event because they must be at the first party of the school year. She even helps by giving her use of her tanning bed. This turns out to be bad as Lisa is nearly BBQed, and this Tanning Bed is a plot device. Lisa talked about the cemetery that, for all intents and purposes, has been abandoned as a peaceful place to hang out. (Cut to Ashleigh Burton)
Ashleigh Burton:
Oh, somebody has issues! (Cut to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
Would you care to talk about them, Ashley? (Cut to Ashleigh Burton)
Ashleigh Burton:
It’s spelled A-S-H-L-E-I-G-H, the long way around! And I was talking about the Lisa Character, not you or James! (Dolphin chirps) Damn (Dolphin chirps)! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I’ll just let you two talk it out in the corner! (Cut to a split screen of Ashleigh and Allison as they get mad with James and each other as James mutes their audio and shrinks them into the corner.) That takes care of that while I do this review, against my best wishes! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Lisa talks about how she likes to hang out at one specific tombstone, it’s here that I realize that barely seven minutes in, I am going to be in for a long movie, and it’s almost an hour and forty-five minutes long! I am in trouble, even more so knowing that the late Robin Williams’ Daughter is the director, so not only is my goose cooked, but it’s also cooked, shredded, and being served to feed heaven knows who eats geese! Lisa gave the headstone of her deceased loved one a gift and restored it to its pristine condition. Taffy thinks it’s kind of weird, but Lisa says something that I can relate to... (Cut to a clip of “Life As A Mermaid: Aftermath” as “James” says he didn’t want Will Hauser to be forgotten. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
The two make it to the party, and Taffy is into it. Lisa feels out of place even more than she did trying to make herself look good for this party, and now I know it’s set in the 1980s or at least the same point in time of the 1980s as “Heathers,” so there’s that! Lisa meets Michael Trent, played by Henry Eikenberry, and the two are hitting it off. We then get the backstory as to why Lisa is who she is! (Cut to Taffy telling her stepsister’s backstory as to why she is the way she is as a whistling sound is heard, and the split screen of Ashleigh and Allison lands into the frame)
Ashleigh Burton:
Yeah, that was horrifying, and she’s just saying this (Dolphin Chirp) casually; kind of sick, really.
Allison Pregler:
Well, that makes this genre fun and much better than sitting through another “Charmed” piece of (Dolphin Chirp)! Wait! (Dolphin Chirps as Allison Pregler sounds like she’s trying to curse!) What the (Dolphin chirp) is going on?
Ashleigh Burton:
Oh, it must be my signal, I occasionally drop a swear word, but I often replace it with that noise. (Cut to James as he pulls on a string as it shows the movie and pulls the two out of the screen.)
TLOTA:
I am really trying to get this done before December. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Lisa tries to be part of the cool crowd by sipping something that sends her on a trip! (Ashleigh shouts “Alcohol?” off-screen) laced with something a little more substantial as Lisa stumbles around, and a friendly and decent person named Doug, played by Bryce Romero, decides to help Lisa out of her situation, but what she sipped finally catches up, and she pukes her guts out. Doug tries to be a nice guy as he helps Lisa through her situation; however, he turns out to be a jerk. (Allison says, “Don’t all Dougs Do?” off-screen) Shut up! As Lisa stumbled out of the party, she somehow found her way to that cemetery and her favorite hangout, lightning strikes. Lisa heads home, unaware that the creature, played by Cole Sprouse, has come back to life as we have a head trip into what is happening in her head. And Kudos to Zelda Williams for being able to make this so visually interesting as the following day, Lisa looks like she had a whopper of a night as her stepmom Janet, played by Carla Gugino, seems to have a bunch of messed up priorities and her dad Dale, played by Joe Chrest is just being emasculated for breathing wrong as Janet or should I say the alpha prototype for Kate Gosselin threatens to toss her stepdaughter into the nuthouse for being out of her mind and smashing a mirror. We then discover on the news that her hangout was hit by lightning! After another reminder of this being in the late 1980s... (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, Zelda, Bubby, this is not directed at you; this is directed towards the movie; PLEASE CUT BACK ON THE 1980s HEAVY HANDEDNESS! I was born in 1982, and the fact that me and my family survived it by the bare skin of our teeth, I don’t need to be reminded of it every five minutes. (Cut to Ashleigh and Allison split screen as it motors in)
Ashleigh Burton:
Dang, you’re old!
Allison Pregler:
I’m a good seven years younger than James.
Ashleigh Burton:
Shut the front door!
TLOTA (Audio only):
GLADLY! (James closes them out to cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As Janet, or rather “K.G. 0.5,” says that her stepdaughter is too darned “Common sensible” because she is trying to just get through the day; quite honestly, it’s possibly exhausting for Lisa to be around this sort of craziness, and everything she’s been through. Lisa stays home to check out a movie when she discovers something downright bizarre, which, given how her house looks, is saying a lot! Lisa lands on her stalker as the neighbors decide to do absolutely nothing! However, seeing what was under the muck is, in fact, someone the guy she has been talking to brought back from the dead! However, she opens up to her new associate as she tries to help him clean up! One montage later, he still looks dead but in a better state. Her stepmom and her family come back as she tries to explain away the mess that happened; however, “K.G. 0.5” thinks it’s a ploy for attention! (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, someone needs to tell this bitch to shut the flying (Dolphin Chirp) up! (Cut to Allison Pregler and Ashleigh Burton as they shout, “Agreed!” Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
And in a surprising move, Taffy defends her stepsister and says she doesn’t belong in the nuthouse. Kudos there; Lisa got ready for school the following day, as we see... (Cut to Lisa looking good as it cuts to a triple split screen as James shouts “HO,” Allison Pregler shouts “LY!” and Ashleigh shouts “SHIT!” Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
We then see “K.G. 0.5” as she gets her daily programming on how to be herself. She blissfully ignores the guy who smells like rotten flesh and plays the piano to give a salesman a few words on how wrong he is when she gets a little extra protein in the form of a worm in her cottage cheese! Meanwhile, Lisa and Michael enjoyed each other as Taffy tried to keep her safe. Lisa and her creature decide to continue conversing as “K.G. 0.5” comes in and decides to play Nurse Ratched, making Lisa sorry she exists. (Cut to Ashleigh Burton)
Ashleigh Burton:
Okay, and this is the part where I get the (Dolphin Chirp) out here! Take your meds, Drink your water, Love You, Bye! (Ashleigh runs out as it zoom cuts to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
As “K.G. 0.5” continues to scold Lisa, the creature does what we should do to them if we don't arrest them! Lisa then decides to bury the biatch at the cemetery, and then Lisa chooses to use the faulty tanning bed to help bring the piece she sewed back to life. Taffy and Lisa continued to bond the following day, and Lisa exhibited new tendencies. Doug becomes the next victim of the duo, but at least the creature gets a new hand in the process! The Creature and Lisa continue to bond as the Creature plays classical piano, then REO Speedwagon because of the 1980s. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
Okay, there was more to the 1980s than messed-up fashion, great music, and all the popular culture at that time. We were on the verge of nuclear annihilation, we were in a cold war, and people were doing good, but we were at a precipice that I wouldn’t see until this very moment! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)
TLOTA (V.O.):
Taffy quickly becomes concerned that things are bad, and Lisa quickly goes cuckoo and decides that necrophilia might relax her and tells her that she’s not afraid to die. Still, after everything that has happened, Lisa decides to give herself to Michael. The next morning Taffy who is now dressed more, Normally I would say, and Lisa is wilder in her style, the police decide to begin an investigation, and it points towards Lisa. Lisa decides to relax by giving herself to Michael. However, Michael decides he wants some Taffy, which upsets the creature and Lisa. The creature decides to do a Bobbitization before a Bobbitization was a thing, again in the 1980s! Michael is now dead, and the creature nearly kills Taffy, but Lisa stops the creature. As the creature ran for its life, Lisa thanked Taffy for being nice and gave her mom’s rosary as a gift. The creature then somehow tells Lisa that he loves her. Lisa soon decides to sew Michael’s schnuts onto him, but killing a cop gets people talking. After “Necrophilia Sex Session Number Two: Electric Boogaloo,” The cops look towards arresting her when Lisa decides that the only way to keep herself from winding up in Prison is to use Deus Ex Tanning Bed Machina to finish herself off! Dale and Taffy visit her grave and hope she is at peace. The movie ends with her and the creature now together forever, as he reads Percy Shelley’s “O Mary Dear” on a bench. (Cut to James physically)
TLOTA:
And that was “Lisa Frankenstein”! It was bizarre, it was disgusting, it was crazy, and damn if it weren’t great! (Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)
TLOTA (V.O.):
On the outside, it could’ve been so disgusting and poorly written, and given the writer’s track record, it would’ve been easily a lousy movie, but given that Zelda Williams was directing, she kept a lot of the madness on the screen and made it entertaining at the same time, so Zelda, keep at directing you’re great at it. Here’s hoping she continues to do well. Even though the movie didn’t do well at the box office, I highly recommend you check it out and add it to your Halloween movie watch list. Check it out as it is alive! IT... IS... ALIVE! And it's an entertaining movie to boot. (Cut to Allison Pregler)
Allison Pregler:
So Phelous will contact you next year and likely give you hell if you don’t review the latest Ghostbusters movie this year! (Cut to James)
TLOTA:
I have a lot on my plate for the rest of the year, I have one more review this month, and then I will bust my tuchus for November and December to be done simultaneously. In the meantime, I have something else to review. So, bye, Allison! (James cuts the connection as Allison says, “Oh, you mother...”. Cut to James as he pulls up what he has left to do for the month)
TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s My Opinion!
