Thursday, November 17, 2022

Top 10 moments of Joel Hodgson (Robinson) on Mystery Science Theater 3000

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators' original run play. The camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well, MST3K is back (Cut to the "Groundhog Day" clip of Bill Murray saying "Again!" Cut to James physically). The Gizmoplex is a success. As for the new episodes? (Cut to clips from the new episodes as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The "Gamera vs. Jiger" episode has one of the most hilarious endings to an episode; there have been some really great riffs. However, I have had a couple of Vietnam Flashbacks. "The Million Eyes of Sumuru" was produced by the same people who made "Castle Of Fu Manchu" and if I were to have done a "Top ten worst movies on MST3K" revised list, I would put "Munchie" in the number 2 spot, bump "Hobgoblins" down to third and keep "Fu Manchu" at the number one spot. But I also liked the secondary host of Emily and the return of a man to reclaim his crown and throne as the king of MST3K... Joel Hodgson, AKA Joel Robinson! And today, I am celebrating his return to the Satellite Of Love and ten of his best moments. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let's send Joel the Movie sign salute and celebrate the best moments of Joel Hodgson, AKA Joel Robinson of Mystery Science Theater 3000!

(Cut to a field as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, and a camera looks around, James Pops up in Camo and starts shooting, and The camera drops. Cut to the inside of an oven where what the camera symbolizes and James looking in before closing the door and the words "Top 10 moments of Joel Hodgson (Robinson) on Mystery Science Theater 3000" are shown, and James closes the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 10
 (Cut to the KTMA era/ Season 0 MST3K moments as James does a voiceover)

10) The KTMA era

TLOTA (V.O.):
While the impetus of what the series would be was there, it was clear that one of the things that kept the series on the right track and that was Joel Hodgson, who plays Joel Robinson. And yeah, after KTMA had to reformat its programming, MST3K was off until Joel used the footage from this era to convince the Comedy Channel, which eventually became Comedy Central. It became a hit for the network. It was also the progenitor moment that would lead to many great things, including Internet Reviewing as we know it. Who knew that back at the end of the 1980s, a little low-budget show from Minnesota would make so much greatness happen. Joel Hodgson knew.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes and Olivia looks in, uses a Bulb Baster, and closes the door, revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 9
(Cut to clips of "The Crawling Eye." as James does a voiceover)

9) "The Crawling Eye."

TLOTA (V.O.):
To many who saw this episode, they saw history in the making. The first time America saw Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson, we were introduced to riffing on bad movies. This was when the series was starting to get its sea legs, and for anyone who saw it and where MST3K eventually did go, the foundation was set in this episode. While yes, J. Elvis Weinstein, who played Dr. Erhardt and Tom Servo in that first season and in the KTMA era, left at the end of that first season, the fertile ground was planted, and what grew out from this episode was the greatness, Joel had seen in this episode.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Renee putting a Dressing dish in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to clips of "Rocket Attack USA" as James does a voiceover)

8) "Rocket Attack USA."

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Joel finishes up a Robot Haircut, an invention exchange, and a part of a serial short from "The Phantom Creeps." we get to see Joel and the bots show all the cold war paranoia in all its glory. From the mocking of the McCarthy hearings, A Cold War-based game show, and meeting with Sori Andropoli to the riffs on the movie, which are hilariously great. But again, in the end, like I said in my last Top ten on MST3K about Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, it gave the MADs one of the biggest wins against Joel and The Bots. I liked it because Joel took to task the paranoia we need to get comfortable with again, especially with this world falling to pieces. And as Joel and The Bots say in disgust as the narrator says, "We Cannot Let This Be The End!" I agree with Joel and The Bots when they say, "OH YES, WE CAN!"

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Paulo and Brenda Fonseca putting their homemade Croissant Rolls in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.)  

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 7
(Cut to clips of the "Gamera" movies as James does a voiceover)

7) The Gamera movies

TLOTA (V.O.):
These movies were put on the map thanks to Joel and the Bots riffing these movies from here to Japan. Seven movies featuring the gigantic turtle who happens to be friends of children everywhere. One of the best ones had Michael J Nelson as Michael Feinstein talking about how much the Gamera theme means to music and Michael is a great pianist. What else can be said or sung in this case except (Singing): Gamera! Gamera! Gamera is really neat! Gamera is full of meat! We just ate a Gamera!"

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein what the camera symbolizes, and Nick Yaun puts a Green Bean Casserole in the oven and closes the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 6
(Cut to clips of "Attack Of The Eye Creatures" as James does a voiceover)

6) "Attack Of The Eye Creatures."

TLOTA (V.O.):
What can be said about this one is that it has some of the craziest riffs, and at the center of it is Joel Robinson trying to keep the riffs on track. While yeah, "Attack Of The Eye Creatures" is one of the worst movies ever shown on MST3K, the lack of technical competency, horrible writing, and acting are just a few things wrong with this movie; the riffs and the host moments are what keeps it entertaining. Even when Joel and the bots went over how much everyone in the movie didn't care, it was entertaining to hear how everyone in "Attack Of The Eye Creatures" didn't care. You have Joel to thank if you didn't know how good the riff was.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Rebecca Yaun moving the Stuffing over, placing a Sweet Potato Pie in the oven, and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 5
(Cut to "Soultaker" as James does a voiceover)

5) Joel's first return to the Satellite Of Love in the episode "Soultaker."

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a decade on the air, after  Comedy Central gave it the ax, and some time on the Sci-Fi Channel, Barry Diller, the man who won both the USA and SCI-FI Channel, ended the series. But the first episode of the final season showed the Satellite Of Love starting to fall apart. Mike tries to keep the Satellite afloat, but Mike's efforts are like putting a bandaid on the Titanic after it hits the iceberg! All while riffing Soultaker, Another ship is trying to get aboard; it's in the third act of the episode that we finally see who it is that's been trying to get onto the Satellite, like an angel coming from on high; Joel returns to repair the Satellite. While yes it would've been interesting to see Mike and Joel riff the movie's ending. Joel was there to repair the Satellite of Love; he didn't have time to join in riffing a movie. Though I wish we did see the two riff a movie together on MST3K. But Joel's return to rescue the Satellite Of Love was a sign of what would eventually happen for Joel.

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground wherein the camera symbolizes and John Ross Santos moving the Croissant Rolls and placing them in a tray of 100 Pigs In A Blanket in the oven and closing the door revealing the Number.) 

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 4
(Cut to "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" as James does a voiceover)

4) Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

TLOTA (V.O.):
You will never forget the first episode of MST3K you ever watch. I SO love this episode! Set during the holidays, there was only one movie Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank could send Joel. "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians," and when they went to town, I laughed as they took this holiday ham to town! Then there is the Patrick Swayze Christmas song, which, thanks to YouTube's policies, has kept many of us from using it in the videos about this movie and the riff! But suffice it to say, Crow was right! It has become a Christmas standard as has this riff on the movie. If you haven't seen it, check this riff out, it's enough to get the Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge in with the joyous parts of the holidays!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes and Mike Santos as He places corn in the oven and closes the door revealing the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 3
(Cut to "Mitchell" as James does a voiceover)
3) Joel's escape from the Satellite Of Love from the episode: "Mitchell."

(Show the clip of Dr. Forrester shouting, "WHAT?! JOEL ESCAPED FROM THE SATELLITE OF LOVE?!" Cut to the MST3K episode "Mitchell" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We all know Joel left because Jim Mallon and Joel's professional relationship went down the drain. But the thing is, the episode was such a perfect transition from Joel's era to Mike's; I dare say it's on par with how the producers of Power Rangers made the transition from Amy Jo Johnson's Kimberly Hart to Catherine Sutherland's Katherine Hillard. But the way Joel just handled everything behind the scenes for the transition was excellent. For Joel, he thought it was going to be another experiment when Gypsy, Oh, I'm sorry, it's not that anymore because people have the I.Q. of Yogurt said "IT SMART TO DO DAT! WE NEED NAMA CHENGE TO SOMETHING ELSE?! GPC?! DAT BETTER NOW I GO AND MAKE A NEW LAW TO STOP COMMON SNESE! I A POLITICIAM!", Sorry got off track! At any rate, Gypsy or GPC or Whatever it is overhears Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank saying they're going to eighty-six someone. G thinks it's Joel, so for the rest of the host segments, G has to devise an idea to get Joel off the ship. Working with Mike Nelson, who was working as a temp at Deep 13, helps G find the escape pod on Deck 14, and as the experiment ends, we say goodbye to Joel and hello to Mike in the best way possible. 

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes Ed Champion and Andrew Beach placing a Pumpkin and Apple Pie in the oven before closing the door to reveal the Number.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Number 2
(Cut to clips of "MANOS: The Hands Of Fate" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.):
Yep, going back to this well again. I enjoy this one because this was perfect fodder for riffing. We have Frank Conniff, AKA TV's Frank found this, Best Brains decided to see how it would work and it was set for the fourth season finale. What made it great was when Joel tried to keep everyone from cracking like eggs. Whether it was making fun of the endless driving scenes, helping the bots relax with a mid-movie massage, tried to make fun of "The Master", Screaming at the movie to "DO SOMETHING?!", or even just accepting the madness of the movie. While yes, both the MADs do apologize for sending them this movie. I found Joel being able to control himself during a movie that would've driven most to... (Static interrupts James as he says, "What's Going on here?" then the static breaks through to see Joel Hodgson)

Joel Hodgson:
Hi James! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
JOEL HODGSON?! (Cut to Joel Hodgson)

Joel Hodgson:
The one and only, and I was hoping that I could chime in before you went into what I was hoping would be the number one moment of mine on MST3K.  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I'll send you my list right now, Joel! (Cut to Joel as he looks over the list)

Joel Hodgson:
Wow, Okay, That's at Number one? Would you mind if I talked about Number one with you? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I would be honored!

(Cut to the inside of an oven as "Turkey In The Straw" plays in the foreground, wherein the camera symbolizes and Eric Kurtzke placing Baked Potatoes in the oven and closing the door. However, the weight of what's in the oven falls, causing a crater in the Kitchen; as it cuts to James looking down in the crater and shouting, "GUYS!" and walking away where the oven is revealing the Number)

Joel Hodgson (Voiceover):
 The Number One moment on Mystery Science Theater 3000 featuring me is...

(Cut to clips of "I Accuse My Parents" as Joel Hodgson and James do voiceovers)

1) "I Accuse My Parents"

Joel Hodgson (V.O.):
Between this episode and "Hercules Unchained" this was MST3K at it's best. I loved every moment in both the riffing and the jokes in the host segments. Even the invention exchange was hilarious, partly thanks to Trace and Frank. Their energy when they were trying to rescue Rodney when their Invention goes south. 

TLOTA (V.O.):
I loved it when you and the bots called out the lies and the (Cut to the clips of Joel and The Bots shouting "LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! at the right times in the movie.) Then of course, the moment you tried to make sense of the Psychological Hot mess of young Jimmy. (Show the clip in which Joel and the bots try to start to understand Jimmy as they have a diagram and a spinning diorama about Jimmy's mental illness. Cut to further clips of "I Accuse My Parents" as Joel Hodgson and James do voiceovers)

Joel Hodgson (V.O.):
I love that this episode is your favorite moment of mine on MST3K.

TLOTA (V.O.):
And I love that this moment is the number one moment featuring you at the center of the experiments. Now while yes, your return on the recent season was a great moment. To me nothing will fully top the moment you and the bots tried to figure out why Jimmy said "I Accuse My Parents" for all he did in this movie and it is worthy of the number one spot of the best moments featuring Joel Hodgson on MST3K. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Any other moments featuring Joel in any of the MST3K episodes he was in, then let me know in the Comment Section below. And Joel, thanks for being so appreciative for allowing me to do this list. (Cut to Joel)

Joel Hodgson:
Well I appreciate it when fans are honest with me and my work. So you really have been getting Vietnam Flashbacks to some of the seasons past from this season? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, certain movies being riffed, Yeah! (Cut to James as the MST3K Turkey Day Hymn is playing.)

TLOTA:
Gotta go! MST3K Turkey Day marathon calls! Next Month Holiday shopping gift guide and year-end Top 10. Until then I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion. (Cut to Joel Hodgson)

Joel Hodgson:
Well guys, James finished his list, What do you think guys? (Camera pulls back to show everyone on MST3K as they give the OKAY signal then everyone shouts "IT STINKS!" as the camera shuts off in the same manor of an MST3K episode.)

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Alton Brown's "Good" Thanksgiving

(Scene begins with a laser beam in the sky as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as four shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Kent Lilly and Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rowdy (Chris Lee Moore) Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving towards the camera, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear, and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward moving towards the camera, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of "Written by James Faraci with assistance from Steve Kidd, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions, Directed by James Faraci" as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the laser beam cut out the words "The" "Last" "Of" "The" appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the term "Americans" start to come forward as it pulls down, and James' Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans and half of team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to James in the Break room Kitchen dressed for cooking) 


TLOTA: 
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. It's November, you know what that means… THANKSGIVING! (Cut to images of Thanksgiving Diners from Thanksgiving pasts as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
And I love cooking for it as much as I love watching movies. And seeing as Thanksgiving is around the corner, it's time to cook. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And who else can help than the one, the only, ALTON BROWN! (Cut to images of Alton Brown as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
And honestly, he is, to me, the reason I understand both cooking and science on the same level. And in 1999, Alton Brown crafted two episodes of his cooking show centered around Thanksgiving. While yes, there are other episodes and a recipe from an episode that never got made that I will get to further down the line but for now, we are focusing on two episodes. (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
And the first one is what put Alton on the map, and the sequel shows what to do with the sequels. (Cut to the title cards of "Romancing The Bird" & "Behind The Bird: The Remains Of The Bird" then to clips of both as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Released in 1999, "Romancing The Bird" and its sequel "Behind The Bird: The Remains Of The Bird" put Alton Brown on the map, in terms of Pop Culture status. The episodes are well written, the recipes are iconic, as is a statement made in this episode and today, I will be reviewing the episode and because this is a cooking show… (Cut to James physically) 


TLOTA: 
I will be cooking along with the episode and with some help. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller in cooking gear) 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
I purchased all the ingredients, and I thought that would be the most I would be involved in this event. 


TLOTA: 
As the old proverb goes, "Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat forever." (James looks behind him to see Rowdy and Kent Lilly talking about Content Creation. James pops in while the two talk.) 


TLOTA: 
Kent! Rowdy! (The two jump back in fear!) 


Rowdy: 
I guess that's payback for me scaring the crap out of you last month. 


Kent Lilly: 
Best not to ask?  


Rowdy: 
Bingo! 


TLOTA: 
Look I am glad you're here. Why are you here? 


Rowdy: 
Well, I discovered that Kent is going to my Alma Matter, and I went back to talk about being an online content creator/internet reviewer, that sort of thing, and I figured I'd show what success was like and when we got here Kent let me know he had been here a few months ago when you jumped us mid-conversation. 


TLOTA: 
Okay, listen, how'd you like to help me cook a thanksgiving meal. 


Kent Lilly: 
Allez Cuisine! 


Rowdy: 
Last time I tried that, I nearly burned my old house in the Dallas/Fort Worth area down to the ground, lousy Deep Fat Turkey Fryers.  


TLOTA: 
Next year, Alton and I will show you how to cook it safely in a fryer. But for now, let's start "Romancing The Bird" 

 

Kent Lilly: 
Ew, sounds creepy. 


Rowdy: 
Or a parody of the movie that gave Robert Zemeckis the job of Directing Back To The Future. (Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The special opens with Alton on his front porch talking about what Thanksgiving means to families and how one bad Thanksgiving blacklisted the meal for YEARS in his family. (Show clip of Alton's family in 1970 for Thanksgiving and how a Stranger came in with an electric knife and a way to carve the bird so everyone can enjoy it. Alton then telling how everyone except the stranger was used to the dried-out turkey and the stranger died from the dryness of the turkey. Then Alton tells the audience how turkey was banned from eating in his family. Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent, and Julia Alexa Miller physically) 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Just so we're clear on this. Alton Brown's family were getting ready for a Thanksgiving meal 


Rowdy: 
Then a stranger who could've done all sorts of wrong, joins them…

 

Kent Lilly: 
And drops dead from the turkey being as dry as the Sahara Desert, causing the bird and Thanksgiving to be blacklisted by the Brown family. 


TLOTA: 
Yep! (Julia Alexa Miller, Rowdy, and Kent slap themselves on the forehead, cut to The Fonsecas and the Yauns as they slap themselves on the forehead, cut to John and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion, Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath, and Chad Narducci slap themselves on the foreheads. Cut to "Romancing the Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, Alton decided that the year this episode came out, which was back in 1999, he would bring the bird and Thanksgiving back and make them Good Eats once again. We soon get a history lesson on the Thanksgiving meal's history from when it started back in Plymouth and how one Sarah Hale, the writer of Mary Had a Little Lamb, took it upon herself to write everyone and anyone with an address about how The Industrial Revolution was destroying America and they needed their first holiday back, that being Thanksgiving. (Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent, Julia Alexa Miller physically) 


Kent Lilly: 
And according to some research, Sarah Hale was a feminist, one of the founders of Vassar College, an editor, and… Rowdy, am I reading this right? (Rowdy says, "Let me see." As he looks on the phone and discovers her political association and faints!) 


TLOTA: 
Rowdy! Rowdy! Snap out of it, man! (Julia Alexa Miller picks Rowdy up and hits him with a bolt of energy.)

 

Rowdy: 
Wow, I thought it said that Sarah Hale was a… 


TLOTA: 
She was! (Rowdy faints again! Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
As we are shown the Iconic Saturday Evening Post cover by Norman Rockwell, we soon meet Marsha Brown Brady, Alton's sister, played by Merrilyn Crouch, as she hangs a Thanksgiving Wreath on Alton's door. Alton promptly dumps the wreath in the yard, this will get Alton into trouble later, but for now, we get the first of many informational tidbits in an episode of "Good Eats." Not long after that, Marsha and Alton discuss what to do for the big Turkey fest, and for those wondering, it is not popcorn, jellybeans, toast, and pretzels; I can tell you that. Marsha has a minor disagreement about wanting authenticity. This leads to dated reference number 428: Ripping off/Spoofing The Matrix in one form or another. After a trip to take Marsha into the woods behind Alton's place, we meet with the late Deb Duchon as she gives us the low down on what they ate at the first Thanksgiving, which had no pie, but it did have Turkey. The big hit of that first Thanksgiving was Venison! Five Deer's worth. 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
Deer meat…Poor Bambi! 


TLOTA(V.O.): 
Deb then lets Marsha and Alton know that (Singing): TRADITION! (Speaking): trumps authenticity and Marsha B-Lines it to the craft store. Here we're introduced to Chuck, played by Daniel Pettrow, as he talks Turkey, literally! (Show the face of Chuck as Rowdy shouts, "WAIT A SECOND!" Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, Rowdy, and Kent Lilly physically!) 


Rowdy: 
HOLY CRAP! HE DOES LOOK LIKE SPOONY! ALL THESE YEARS OF DISMISSING YOU, I AM NOW LOOKING LIKE A SUCKER FOR NOT BELIEVING YOU! 


Kent Lilly: 
I have a question. What's a Spoony? (Cut to Spoony's "What's a Paladin?" reaction. Cut to James, Kent Lilly, Rowdy, and Julia Alexa Miller.) 


Rowdy: 
You had to pull that bit out of the mothballs? 


Kent Lilly: 
I take it that was Spoony. 


TLOTA: 
Yep! (Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Chuck tells Alton that turkeys below Zero degrees Fahrenheit are labeled "Frozen." 


Rowdy (V.O.): 
Well, that's a no-brainer. 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
However, once a bird reaches 25 Degrees Fahrenheit, it is considered Deep Chilled or Refrigerated.

 

Kent Lilly (V.O.): 
Isn't that still frozen?

 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
The water is frozen, but the minerals and other materials are warmer, and birds 26 Degrees Fahrenheit and over are considered fresh! 
 
Julia Alexa Miller (V.O.): 
But the water is still frozen, and it would take days to defrost it.  


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Well, we're introduced to the old-school advice regarding defrosting. As Cousin Ray decides that the Smart, Smart thing to do is to leave the block o'bird on the counter. (Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent, and Julia Alexa Miller physically.) 


TLOTA: 
This leads to some of the worst Thanksgiving memories like this (Cut to the Jeff Daniels "Dumb & Dumber" pooping scene. Cut back to James, Rowdy, Kent, and Julia Alexa Miller physically.) Or at worse this… (Cut to a cemetery. Cut back to James, Rowdy, Kent, and Julia Alexa Miller physically.) And that will ruin Thanksgiving for anyone. (Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.)

 

TLOTA (V.O.): 
Thankfully W, played by Vickie Eng, Alton's Chiropractor, tells us that we need to refrigerate the bird. But Alton's fridge isn't a TARDIS, so he grabs a cooler with some ice packs to keep the bird cold while defrosting. W soon comes up with a device that has become synonymous with Alton Brown, the electronic probe thermometer. Using that to monitor the bird's temperature when it goes into the oven and Alton figures it might help keep an eye on the lower end of the temperature spectrum. Alton also advises what to do should you still have a frozen turkey the night before or the day of Thanksgiving: put it in a bucket with cold water with a brick on top in case the bird floats. (Cut to James, Kent Lilly, Rowdy, and Julia Alexa Miller physically.) 


TLOTA: 
Behold the thawing rig. This little device for fish tanks allows the perfect amount of convection to flow through the cooler, which will thaw this bird out in record time. The bird in its wrapper is covered by at least two inches of water, over the bird, and this bucket is filled with five gallons of water this was inspired by how Alton thaws the bird out the next time he deals with Thanksgiving, which will be next year's review. What is it, Kent? 


Kent Lilly: 
I need to pee; I have been staring at this for the past five minutes. The bathroom is still the third door down from the right. 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Bull’s-eye! 


Kent Lilly: 
Thanks! (Kent walks out) 


Rowdy: 
How would he know where the bathroom is unless… James, was Kent the contest winner?

 

TLOTA: 
Now you're putting it together. And guess what? I didn't authorize it; Chad did.  


Rowdy: 
Well, then, Mr. Narducci is going to be missing his Nards! (Rowdy walks off with the Louisville Slugger, and Julia Alexa Miller runs after Rowdy. Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
We're soon introduced to Alton's Niece, who looks familiar to me and suggests basting, which does NADA for the bird! Instead, Alton offers a brine, and to help us understand the Voodoo that Brine can do so well, Alton introduces us to Shirley Corriher. (Cut to Shirley and Mystery Food Science Theater as how a Brine works and Alton creates his Brine. Cut to James, Kent Lilly, Rowdy & Julia Alexa Miller physically.)  


TLOTA: 
Okay, full confession, I tried the Brine Alton made for the turkey on Thanksgiving last year with the team, and Turkey was a little too salty for my taste. So instead, I'm making it using half a gallon of the broth suggested, augmented with the other half a gallon of Apple Cider! And yes, the local brown stuff they have in the local mega-mart with the fresh veggies works the best! You will have to cut the sugar down to half the original amount and cut back on the salt amount to half the amount Alton suggested. The spices and the amounts they have are good, including the candied ginger, allspice berries, and black peppercorns, but I added a Garlic clove, which was better than it was. How do I know this? Because I tried this with the Christmas Turkey at the Christmas party before the end of the last year. While the bird soaks in this special Vacuum bucket rig I set up to speed up the process from six hours to one hour, and yeah, I know it's a bit of a cheat, but it works. (Show clip of Alton Brown as he tries to give Marsha a moment to make a stuffing for inside the bird, which Alton stops and Alton says, "Stuffing Is Evil," and the record scratches, stopping the video, and James pops in pointing at the sentence) 


TLOTA: 
BAM! This sentence gave Alton Brown Tsouris from the day he uttered it until the day he finally broke down, made an episode and recipe that would do thermal justice to both bird and stuffing, and he had to eat a plate of crow with a side order of humble pie! But he had to, until that moment, defend why stuffing Turkey was evil, not stuffing as a concept! (Show the clip of Alton filling the bird with Aromatics. Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, Rowdy, and Kent Lilly physically) 


Kent Lilly: 
I got some sage here! 


TLOTA: 
And I got the Rosemary and Thyme! (Rowdy yips as he pulls out the half of an apple and onion warmed in the Microwave)

 

Rowdy: 
Cinnamon stick? 


TLOTA (Audio only): 
Spice counter, on your right! (Rowdy walks off as Julia Alexa Miller places a small ginger knob into the steeping liquid, and Rowdy returns with a Cinnamon Stick and puts it in the steeping liquid.) 


Rowdy: 
Now what? (James walks back in) 


TLOTA: 
We take the aromatics and place them in. 


TLOTA & Rowdy (In unison): 
Obviously. 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Now the bird goes into the oven, right? It has a built-in thermometer 


TLOTA: 
Let Alton tell you where they go wrong. (Show clip of Uncle Morty telling us that once Turkey's thermometer goes off, the bird will be done and is going back to watch "Barney Miller," and Alton tells us not to be afraid of Abe Vigoda. Cut to Rowdy as he sets the oven to 550 degrees.) 


Rowdy: 
You never saw Abe in "Good Burger," have you? (James walks by as he grabs the melted butter off the stove) 


TLOTA: 
Who watched "Good Burger"? (Kent Lilly walks by with the Aluminum Foil)

 

Kent Lilly: 
What's… Never mind, I don't want to know what "Good Burger" was about! 


TLOTA: 
You're the mensch, Kent! (Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.)


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Alton does mention the thermometer will show that the dark meat will be at 165 and perfect. The problem, the white meat will be sand! The solution is the Probe Thermometer that Alton introduced earlier in the episode. We are soon introduced to the bifold of Aluminum Foil known as the Turkey Triangle and a final rubdown with the right fat as we're introduced to Aunt Verna. (Show clip of Aunt Verna and Alton as he says the highest temperature an oven can be for the first thirty minutes, then to 350 degrees until the probe thermometer reaches 161 degrees in the white meat portion, the better the meat will be. Aunt Verna then sounds like a male as she says, "I never liked you much anyway!" She walks away. Alton responds, "A lot of my childhood questions just got answered." Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent, and Julia Alexa Miller physically and their jaws agape) 


Rowdy: 
This episode was made in 1999, and the LGBTQIA+ community has been okay with this moment. 


TLOTA: 
Yep and let me say to them that I apologize for that bit on behalf of Alton Brown. (Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Alton then puts the bird in the oven at the highest temperature for half an hour and then bumps the temperature down to 350 degrees until the thermometer goes off. In the meantime, we've got side dishes to make, starting with Cranberry sauce, and no, this does not come out of a can. (Show a clip of Alton Brown making Cranberry sauce. Cut to James and his crew as they make their version of Alton's Cranberry sauce. 


TLOTA: 
Again, last year I tried to make this dish. It wasn't as tasty as Alton made it, so let's remake the Cranberry Sauce. Starting with the Cranberries, Fresh is better. Two packages of fresh, followed by fresh Cranberry Juice, and no, not Cranberry Juice Cocktail. It takes some work with a cold press juicer, but it's better than what could pass for juice in the supermarket. Next is the Ginger Ale, replaced with the real McCoy Ginger Beer, Non-Alcoholic and flavorful as all get out. Try one, Rowdy; you’ll kiss Coca-Cola goodbye. (Rowdy drinks a bottle of Ginger Beer, his eyes pop out of his head, and his glasses spin around his face, and he yips like Shemp Howard! Cut to James as he calmly places the last of the Ginger Beer into the Cranberry Sauce as Julia Alexa Miller and Kent Lilly, the two stare at each other then it cuts to Rowdy as his hat is raised by steam, and he yips like Shemp Howard. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller and Kent Lilly)  

Julia Alexa Miller: 
Pass on the Ginger Beer? 


Kent Lilly: 
Next time! (The two sniff the bottles and sneeze. Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
As the sauce comes to a boil, the heat is turned down to medium until the berries disintegrate and the sauce is syrup-like. Which takes no time, and then Alton hits the sauce with the stick blender. Next up Alton makes cornbread dressing. (Show the clip of Alton as he makes his Cornbread dressing blindfolded! Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent Lilly and Julia Alexa Miller physically.) 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Does anyone want to try this challenge? 


Everyone else (In Unison): 
NOOOOOOOOOO!

  

TLOTA: 
I tried last year, but there was a reason I was wearing gloves until December twelfth last year! (Cut to "Romancing The Bird" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The moment has arrived as the Bird looks nice and brown on the outside and is juicy as Alton brings out the dishes and the main course itself, Turkey! Then he pulled out the same knife the stranger used that fateful Thanksgiving and sliced the white meat of the bird paper thin while serving the thigh meat and the leg separated. He then proceeds to take the rest of the bird to be carved in the kitchen, and as for the carcass, it’ll be handled later, and the episode ends with Alton waxing his Turkey Philosophies. (Cut to James and everyone as they prepare themselves a plate of Thanksgiving goodness.) 


TLOTA: 
And we’ll discuss what happens with the Carcass, after the meal, and after the break. Okay, everyone, let’s enjoy the meal! 


(James sits with everyone as they enjoy the feast as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to everyone as they prep the leftovers and the Mise En Place.) 


TLOTA: 
Okay, everyone, the Mise En Place is ready as we go “Behind The Bird: The Remains of the Bird!” (Cut to "BTB:TROTB" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
The episode lets us know this will not be our usual “Good Eats” episode as we’re introduced to Blair McGuffin and how she and her crew were given permission to film behind the scenes of the episode. However, “The Real Drama” began after the director of the episode, Chris Gyoury got the Martini shot and called for the episode's final cut. (Show the clip of Alton as everyone on the crew packs up and calls it a wrap, and snow begins to fall.) So apparently, one inch of snow is enough to put Atlanta out of commission. But the crew has decided to stay put at Alton’s place. This alerts Alton, his sous-chef, and his other assistant Paul. Alton sends Paul to do inventory. As day two begins, Marsha tries to make some fancy finger sandwiches which the crew promptly throws out! Cousin Ray is made the leader of the crew and demands good Turkey Sandwiches from Alton. Initially saying no, Alton had some time to think and decided it would be a good idea to try and make the turkey sandwiches. Which has the cranberry sauce, half a cup of Ginger Ale or Ginger Beer, and a cup of sugar, turning the sauce into a jam. (Cut to James as he makes the Jam) 


TLOTA: 
The thing is that I would make it an equal Half & Half of Sugar and Ginger beer! So with all that going on, Alton consults W on toasters(Show clip of “W” as Alton and Blair talk about “W” and toasters. Cut to James, Rowdy, Julia Alexa Miller and Kent Lilly as they start toasting.) 


Kent Lilly: 
I thought W was played by Alton’s Chiropractor. 


TLOTA: 
She is or rather was played by Ms. Eng until the show ended. 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
Also, Alton, W is a program, among other things, as well as a robot, not a cyborg. Get your words right. 


Rowdy: 
Wait a second, “Blair McGuffin, and the raw documentarian style of the episode… IS THIS RIPPING OFF “THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT”?! 


TLOTA: 
The episode aired and is set in 1999, I expected it to happen, which is why it is dated reference 105: Ripping off The Blair Witch Project. (Rowdy grabs a baseball bat as James runs for it. Cut to "BTB:TROTB" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Yeah, there’s something else that must be discussed. The order of the episodes in which they’re on Discovery+, “Romancing The Bird” is placed in the ninth season, and this episode is at the tail end of the third season. Now, this could’ve been an oversight on the part of Discovery+ if they didn’t put this episode up on Amazon Prime in the Good Eats series without its counterpart at either the end of the first season or the season this episode is commonly shown on the third season! What The Hell?! Isn’t it bad enough what you’re doing to Warner Brothers how you turned it into a factory of madness! (Cut to the clip of Robert Wagner as he says, “Oy Gevalt!” in “Austin Powers In Goldmember.”Cut to "BTB:TROTB" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Paul gets too excited and is told to go to the corner. As Alton, Paul, Blair, and the other chef finish up the physics of a sandwich. Alton says to hold off all the facts until an episode that doesn’t get made a few years after this episode airs. We soon find ourselves on Day four as Cousin Ray has been sent to tell Alton to make Turkey Hash Alton and his team cook the hash, though I would’ve gone with just the Cornbread Dressing or the potatoes for the starch of the hash and Marsha is shown on TV duct taped screaming for help. (Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, Rowdy and Kent Lilly as they make the hash) 


TLOTA, Rowdy, Kent Lilly & Julia Alexa Miller (In unison): 
ANCHOVIES?! IN A HASH?! BLECH! (Cut to "BTB:TROTB" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Alton tells Blair the reason they’re down in the basement cooking this stuff is that the fridges are locked down there, and is possibly the only reason they have any food left just as the hash is finished. We soon find that an extra half an inch has further crippled Atlanta; the crew has eaten most of what’s left as Blair decides to grab a turkey leg. Later, Ray comes on the screen demanding a hot meal for lunch, or Marsha’s dog becomes… (Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent Lilly, and Julia Alexa Miller physically as they set up for the soup.) 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
If you say what you’re going to say, I’ll split you like a wishbone! 


Kent Lilly: 
Yeah, like that would happen. 


Rowdy: 
Kent, let me share this with you. (Rowdy shows Kent what Julia Alexa Miller did to Tommy Wiseau, and Kent reacts by running to the bathroom and puking his guts out. Cut to "BTB:TROTB" as James does a voiceover.) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
Besides, my joke would’ve been funny had Paul not mentioned a certain party that led to humans consuming themselves. But with no option left with the seasonings and remains from the bird, they have left. The cameraman for Blair suggests soup. Taking the broth and the bones and cooking them on low most of the morning, the collagen turns to gelatin, and after fishing out the bones Alton and the team add everything else they found for the soup, which includes the veggies, spices and herbs, the rice, meat and then it was given to Ray. With the soup done, Alton has gone as far as he can until the snow is gone! Then from out of nowhere, rescue comes in the form of a V-22 Osprey! Alton goes up to see the crew and Marsha enjoying each other. And to Alton’s shock and dismay, Marsha hooks up with one of Alton’s crew members when we see the person who brought the V-22 Osprey to get everyone is Alton’s mom! Alton’s mom was not too happy with how the Thanksgiving Wreath wound up in the bushes and that she got the V-22 Osprey from Emeril Lagasse! The crew gets out of the house onto the Osprey, to Alton’s dismay. Alton then tells Blair how far they stretched Thanksgiving leftovers to their breaking point and that if this aired, it did. The audience would know how to handle the leftovers as best as possible. And the episode ends with Blair saying how everyone did great during this turmoil and Cousin Ray trying to hook up with Blair. (Cut to James, Rowdy, Kent Lilly and Julia Alexa Miller as they soup is finished.) 


TLOTA: 
Okay, guys, turkey leftovers are good to go! That was “Romancing The Bird” & “Behind The Bird: Romancing the Bird.” Making Turkey and Thanksgiving good eats, once again! (Cut to clips of "Romancing The Bird" & "Behind The Bird: The Remains Of The Bird" as James does a voiceover) 


TLOTA (V.O.): 
For what it’s worth, the references that date these episodes show when they were made. But the recipes, even with the adjustments, stand the test of time. Some things they did for comedic purposes would’ve gotten Alton into hotter water than the “Stuffing Is Evil” lineBut I did get a laugh at the comedic portions of these episodes. The recipes are still as good, and if you do have the desire to get food to the best of its flavor, especially on Thanksgiving, then you HAVE to check these episodes out. Might even help you down the line during the holiday season. (Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, Rowdy, and Kent Lilly physically) 


TLOTA: 
Well, thanks for all the help, guys. 

 

Rowdy: 
Anytime 


Kent Lilly: 
No Problem 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
I am glad to have learned how to cook a Thanksgiving Day meal with your help. 


TLOTA: 
So do you guys think can be a part of my help in December? 


Rowdy: 
I’ll be there for the party; if you are going to fight Chad, you’re on your own. 


Kent Lilly: 
I’ve got things to do with my family, so bye! 


Julia Alexa Miller: 
I’m staying neutral between the two of you children! 


TLOTA: 
Well, I got work to do before that. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!