Living with the "Life As A Mermaid"

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah still at home, still waiting for this damned Coronavirus to go away. But this did give me time to reconnect to something I forgot but still cared about. The series that made me see the power of the internet and how any idea can succeed! (Cut to the title card of "Life As A Mermaid" Cut to clips of the show as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover):

Directed and co-created by the beautifully talented Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci. Written by Holden Weihs, Yale Apter, Ryan Brennan and a plethora of talent in both in front of the camera and behind the camera. This series had great acting, great writing, perfunctory direction and production value and even though it has ended two years ago, does the series as a whole hold up? (Cut to James in his room)

 TLOTA:
Well let's find out. Now please note, I'm going through mini-sodes that work in the plot of the main seasons, specials and I am going to look at the series through the fact they have been worked into movies because all the episodes from each season, even if it was filler were made into movies. But if I missed say a short in which Cam and Valerie make Bathtub soap bombs, then it's not essential to the series. My mind set is "What is the essential to the series itself is what matters to the review.". This is... "Life As A Mermaid" (Cut to James' tablet screen as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Before I begin, I'd be remised if I didn't mention that Amazon Prime has gotten the rights to air the show however someone dropped the ball somewhere because the Season they call Season one is actually Season two and only most of the season is there and as of this post not there they have yet to be posted there, Season three is called Season two on Amazon and all of that season's episodes are available. What the hell? Oh well maybe they'll straighten things out, eventually. Until then there's YouTube and if you have Roku there is an app that has all of the first, second and third seasons and most of season four. (Cut to clips of the series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
The series properly begins with a series of short episodes that while it might not seen as a season with an arc, believe me, the arc is there. A young mermaid named Madison played by Taylor Huff was with a magical mirror that somehow connects to her inner desires and winds up at a pool party filled with Humans and over the span of the Season Madison finds herself at odds with Nat played by Maria Feist, Jed played by Garrett Schechter and someone outside of Matt Smith from Doctor Who to really rock a Bowtie and make it look cool Stanley played by Cambell Dodson. Over the course of the season Madison tries to understand humans and vice versa. However there is one short that well is unusual even by the series' standards "Merman Dreams". In this short, Madison comes up with a Petition to save the ocean as two guys come up and weirdly it talks about a guy named Lew and his legs. While Madison eventually gets tired of their antics and disappears, the episode has possibly one of the messed up post credit scenes in the history of cinema as Madison dreams of Lew and a giant fish eats the dude whole! (Cut to "Avengers: Age Of Ultron" clip of War Machine saying "Okay...What?" Cut back to "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover) Despite that I will say that this is not a bad short nor was it a bad season. It sets up great character arcs for Madison, Stanley, Nat and Jed in the seasons to come. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Speaking of those seasons, I'm breaking character to talk about this! (James pulls out his morpher and de-morphs turning into James Faraci)

James Faraci:
So yeah for the Second season the people who were making the series, Validus Productions decided to do a Kickstarter and I donated. This is where my involvement in the series began. Because I did donate my money, I felt the responsibility as an accredited Associate Producer due to my involvement through the Kickstarter to make sure the season succeeded. So I did everything in my power to basically ensure it by promoting it like two rabbits on a bored Friday night! I posted the links to everyone I could on Social Media and Facebook groups and I continued that until the finale of the series. Now with that out of me... (James pulls out his morpher and morphs back to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
Let's get to season 2 of "Life As A Mermaid" (Cut to clips of Season 2 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Now let me say for the sake of this review, just like I did with my "WitchHaven" review I'm using the fact they turned each season into it's own movie for the review. So Season 2 begins with Madison trying to keep a low profile as she soon meets a new guy Liam played by Diego Torres Kuri and as she is hesitant to go swimming she just flat out spills on why. (Show clip of Madison telling Liam why she's hesitant.) Much to her surprise Liam turns out not to go running to the hills and instead embraces her as the two go to the restaurant where Jed is waiting for Madison's return and Stanley is doing his job serving people Tuna Melts. While there Stanley and Jed meet up with Astrid played by Brie Kristiansen. Astrid has a plan to capture a mermaid, sell it on the black market and make millions. Uh Astrid, aren't you missing a part of the plan that involves say... Underwear?  Anyway at the end of the first episode while it appears that sparks are flying between Liam and Madison we get a surprise after Liam invites Madison. (Show clip of Madison as she is surprised by a call from her sister. Cut to clips of Season 2 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover) That's right Madison has a younger sister named Valerie played by the talented Marcella DiPasqualle. As Madison brings Valerie to Liam's party, we're reintroduced to Nat as simmering bad feelings from the first season come to the surface. But to the surprise of Nat she finds a kindred soul in Valerie. In the meanwhile Astrid who recruited Jed and Stanley gets into Liam's party to capture Madison but winds up empty handed as Jed remembers he has a friend with a tracker. The next day, Madison and Valerie wake up seeing the remains of the party as Astrid and Stanley try to distract up and coming scientific explorer of the ocean Will played by Nick Slimmer and grab his tracker. Will starts off a bit of a stick in the mud, not caring for others and has no time for friends. But I digress they take his tracker and while Nat & Liam are cleaning up the beach, Valerie gets taken by Astrid, Jed and Stanley. Determined to rescue her sister Liam graciously decides to help and decides to seek out. Nat while going comes off a little too harsh for her own good but by the time Madison willingly helps Nat fix Liam's car a friendship starts to grow between the two. Initially in my Top Ten on the series, I compared the friendship of Madison and Nat to be somewhat similar to that of Mary and Rhoda or Lucy and Ethyl, but now looking back, theirs was a friendship on it's own level and merit. I'm glad to now see that. As Madison, Nat and Liam get back on the road, Valerie tries to make a break for it because Stanley is not really good at being a guard. Not long after getting back at it Madison, Nat and Liam meet up with Will. Will seeing that Madison is a mermaid is mentally cool and personally not involved as his tracker is missing but quickly puts together that Jed, Astrid and Stanley have the tracker and Valerie and as close as our heroes get, they lose her but gain a Stanley. After a brief moment in which they decide to torture Stanley especially when Nat threatens to and I quote "To Turn Stanley's head into a Chili Bowl!" if Stanley doesn't help. But it's not threats that causes Stanley to turn face, it's through just talking to him on the same level that makes Stanley see the errors of his way and that is a great subtle moral that I got. So much so that in Stanley's sack is Will's Oceanographic Tracker. Seeing that Will thinks his chapter in this tale is over, takes his tracker and heads back to the research center. Meanwhile Astrid and Jed get burned by the black marketers however if they get two mermaids then both parties will play ball which is easily advantageous as Madison, Stanley, Liam and Nat are at the warehouse where Valerie is. Madison is now captured and Stanley, Liam and Nat are trapped on an island. If they find bones and the remains of the hull of the SS Minnow, it wouldn't surprise me. Meanwhile in a less than spectacular switch as Will mulls over whether or not he did the right thing Jed after being duped by Astrid tells Will where he can rescue Madison and Valerie. Meanwhile life on the island for Nat, Stanley and Liam isn't easy as Nat has to deal with the antics of well Stanley and Liam.  While that goes on Will goes on to take on Astrid and the black marketers, frees Madison and Valerie and while they offer limited help, they get the black marketers arrested and send Astrid away thanks to the magical mirror. Jed before getting the heck out of dodge tells Will, Valerie and Madison where their friends are and as season two ends Valerie tells Stanley, that he has a way to go before he's forgiven by her. The sparks between Madison and Will begin to grow and while Madison and Valerie return to the ocean we find out where Astrid landed. (Show clip of Astrid talking to a woman cameoed by Julia Alexa Miller who is speaking German as she tells Astrid she's on the North Coast of Germany, fades to black cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Greatest Cameo EVER! Now is there anything I am missing? (Cut to clips of "A Very Mermaid Christmas" and "Life As A Mermaid: Madison's Valentine's Day" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Of course, I nearly missed Madison and Valerie learning about the Christmas spirit while we get a subtle moral about tolerance as Madison and Valerie believe Stanley's Girlfriend is a crab person. The fact that Madison and Valerie is reminded of how they were met with the same type of prejudices they were met with. Plus there's enough hilarious holiday hijinks that would warrant usage of this clip as Clark W Griswold getting stiffed out of his Christmas bonus. (Show clip of Clark W Griswold as he melts down and asks where the Tylenol is. Cut to "Life As A Mermaid: Madison's Valentine's Day as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Then there is the first Valentine's day special. While it may seem like filler, it surprisingly serves a purpose to kickstart Will's story arc in a subtle way and it helps progress Will and Madison's love story arc for the next season. While the first attempt for Madison to learn how to bake is comedy GOLD! And I recommend you watch this one to help get into the third season. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: 
Before I talk about Season three. Again, I am breaking character. This is unprecedented! 

(James pulls out his morpher and de-morphs turning into James Faraci)

James Faraci:

Around this time three years ago I was working on a review for the movie "The 3 Tails: A Mermaid Adventure" and I needed something to wash the taste of that out of my mouth and seeing as how the third season was around the corner with a special that came out I figured I'd promote it as a way of saying "This will be the better thing I watch after dealing with the schlock" and I wanted to help as best as I could and at the time they had a Patreon which at the time I could not financially help but again promoting the Patreon as well as the series and they felt grateful for my efforts. Now that I said that... 

(James pulls out his morpher and morphs back to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
Let's get to season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid". (Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The season begins surprisingly with the special "Mermaid Origins" as Madison and Valerie have set up shop at Nat's place. A Superfan by the name of Eve played by Alison Livas finds Madison and Valerie asks questions and wants to become a mermaid herself to avoid her personal problems. However this causes the Mirror to transport the three of them to the ocean. The strain of the three of them causes Eve to lose her tail and Madison to disappear into the unknown. This somehow reaches someone important as we see (Show clip of The Barnacle King and his associate Blobert landing on the surface world.) A Smelthead and his associate. This is The Barnacle King played by John Berchtold and his associate Blobert played by Seye Ogunnaike and right off the bat we see that these guys are the main antagonists of the season. While that's going on Valerie is still upset with Eve as she was one third of the reasons the Mirror is shattered. Nat picks them up, tells Eve to find someone to help with her problems and that there are people who will listen. Meanwhile Madison after being in an alternate dimension winds up in a restaurant back here. Meanwhile Valerie and Nat discover a mermaid living in exile making a living using the magic of their people as a homeopathic healer. This is Beatrice played by Fleur Zanna and her solution to find Madison is to spit on the damaged Mirror which brings Madison back to Valerie, Nat and Beatrice. Then through the magic of timing The Barnacle King tells Madison and Valerie they have been banished from the ocean and just to add to the drama of the season (Show moment in which Madison loses her tail and is given legs and The Barnacle King tells them the plans to regain the other relics of the Aegean gleefully leaves knowing what he has to do. Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
There's a reason that happened not only because of what happened in the story but also from the official behind the scenes story is that the tail Madison had was a rental from Save The Mermaids and what had happened was the tail went to Dubai and a pufferfish had snacked on it. Meaning until the tail was replaced or repaired the Character had to be a human for the third season and to me, that was a brilliant story idea if not a very good cost saving move.

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

With Madison now in need of help, She tells Nat to get the others to help find and protect the other Relics of The Aegean and while everyone tries to help Beatrice and Valerie begin to repair the mirror. Even though Nat, Liam and Stanley barely can defend themselves as long as The Barnacle King has the Tusk of the Narwhal. Madison and Will make it to Snig the Snailperson to convince him not to give The Barnacle King The Trident. However Snig is gifted with the power of mind reading and tells The Barnacle King in no offensive terms "Take a swim, Smelthead". However a quick fight, Madison sends The Barnacle King flying to Palookaville. Snig tells Madison and Will that what he read from The Barnacle King, it's not good! So the chase is on to get the rest of the Aegean Relics. While they have the Mirror which is getting repaired and the trident and The Barnacle King has the Tusk of the Narwhal. However there are other relics The Golden Kelp and The Chronofish. So looking for anywhere to help Stanley contacts his friends who happens to be conspiracists and fodder for a spin off that should've happened, but oh well that's a subject I'm fine not talking about. Any way The Barnacle King and Blobert after some Bulk & Skull style Hijinks finds and dealing with a Jacques Cousteau wannabe grab the Golden Kelp leaving the Chronofish up for grabs. While that's going on in this and the episode before this is something eluded to in the "Valentine's Day" Special. Remember in that special Will complained about not doing normal things couples do and it appears that the foreshadowing Will did got paid off in spades as he is climbing rocks, dancing and things Will had hoped would happen. But I digress as Valerie and Beatrice make progress repairing the mirror but Valerie has plans on restoring Madison's tail building drama for the season. While that happens and we see the Mirror is now barely functional. Will remembers he has his tracker which they could use to find the Chronofish. Madison, Will, Nat and Stanley book a boat whose Captain is a Brody and Hooper below a Quint. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And if you get the reference, I'll send you a copy of both the book and movies.

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

But they're not the only ones booked on the charter. (Show clip of The Barnacle King and Blobert as they come aboard and a Dramatic musical sting plays. Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Trapped on the same boat comedic tensions come to a head as both parties start to come to blows save for Stanley who is just looking for the Chronofish and The Captain goes further off the sails on the crazy boat and tries to crash the boat which leads to one of the best brawls I've ever seen. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And the best way to do it is to call upon one of the most known sports commentators ever! Excuse me (James pulls out the morpher and transforms into Howard Cosell)

Howard Cosell:

This is Howard Cosell here to commentate the battle as Madison Nepshank and her team which includes Will Hauser and their friends named Nat, Stanley and Liam against the team of The Barnacle King and his tag team partner Blobert.

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James as Howard Cosell does a voiceover)

Howard Cosell (Voiceover):

And here we go! What a slobberknocker as some guy in the Mid-West named Jim Ross would call it! Blobert and Stanley go toe to toe,  Liam and The Barnacle King are blasting each other with their weapons! What a battle! Stanley loses the Chronofish in the middle of the brawl but that's to be expected. Although their associate Nat has been entangled in a net while holding the Golden Kelp she's doing everything in her power to assist. Will tosses the Chronofish to Nat just as the trident nearly gets splits her in half! Amazing! Will gets clotheslined by Blobert as Madison and The Barnacle King struggle over the Tusk of the Narwhal and Stanley tries to stand Toe to Toe with The Barnacle King and makes short work of poor Stanley. Liam tries to shoot the Tusk of the Narwhal at the Barnacle King and ooh what a way to go! Blasted by Liam with the Tusk of the Narwhal. However That Golden Kelp works as a Deus Ex Machina to restore Nat back from the dead, Who do I have to talk to get some good Nachos? It's a race for the Trident as The Barnacle King grabs it and The Tusk of the Narwhal and plans to reduce Madison Nepshank's lifespan to zero, What a way to go! Wait a second! The Blast meant to end Madison has been deflected by The Chronofish as The Barnacle King cries "Oh God No!" The Barnacle King or more commonly known by fans as "Smelthead" is going! Going! Good night he is gone with Blobert running away for his life! That's all she wrote, the fight is over, There will be no post fight interview. (Cut to a huge amount of light as Howard Cosell returns to be James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Okay, that was weird and for those who are very, very, very young and do not know who I changed into then I suggest you look up who he is.

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

So after that brawl to get the rest of the Aegean relics, Valerie and Beatrice finally repair the mirror to perfect working order and that night Valerie plans to restore Madison's tail but surprisingly she feels she hasn't earned the right to return to being a mermaid nor does she want to stay human which is great development for Madison. However the drama while on the warming section. Something I nearly neglected to mention was the fact that Valerie had been transporting herself to a lagoon through a watery portal thanks to the power of it being magical, well something comes through to our side and long story short... (Audio of the cast of "Clue" saying "Too Late") All hell breaks loose as forces of evil take the other relics save for the mirror and if that weren't enough the FDA shuts Beatrice down due to the fact that people were growing Tentacles, Shrimp coming out of orifices among other things. With things looking bad for everyone Madison decides to makes some changes. She, Nat, Beatrice and Stanley would try to see where The Barnacle King and Blobert is and what his plans are while Valerie, Liam and Will try to find what took the rest of the relics. While Valerie continues to use the stuff in a bathtub, Will and Liam have a frank discussion about Will and Madison's relationship. Meanwhile thanks from a cameo from Taylor and Vanessa, Madison decides to disguise Stanley as a Sea Cucumber to infiltrate and befriend The Barnacle King to get to know what his plans are. While that's happening Valerie finds herself meeting a Jellyfish prisoner as he tells who escaped. The question now is "Where are they?". Well thankfully Will's Tracker which still has the Chronofish's signal which takes them to a place called The Sunken House. Valerie transports Will and Liam in and sheds her tail to help. Though admittedly Liam, you should be better in your attitude towards her. Besides you have to add at least a foot or two when you have a tail! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, I know this thanks to behind the scenes of "H2O: Just add Water" & "Mako Mermaids" GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Meanwhile The Barnacle King and Blobert plan on making their own mystical mirror as Madison's plan begins to work. Maybe a little too well as Stanley tries to keep Madison, Nat and Beatrice in the loop on the downlow. While traveling we see possibly one of the most introspective scenes I've ever seen and as I said before in my Top Ten Life As A Mermaid Episodes. The writing in this moment speaks volumes on the same level as "Avatar The Last Airbender" in addition would you believe that all the merfolk are simply Julia Alexa Miller and Marcella DiPasqualle? Regardless the moment we see what is in Madison's mind is what made me see that there is more to the series than we realize. That is awesome. But now back to the plot. Stanley, Blobert and The Barnacle King meet with... (Show "Clam" as he makes jokes. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Why am I having Vietnam Flashbacks to a Schmendrick who forcibly made the people who got him to success suffer by dressing them up in fantasy character clothing, splitting up into two teams and one where the Schmendrick meets up with a guy with a cat puppet saying "I am a creature of the ancient world, I demand respect"?

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Madison and her friends make it to the clam the same time as The Barnacle King as Clam makes both of them take on a challenge of Chinese Checkers and Madison's side wins forcing The Barnacle King to retreat and Madison getting the pearl. However The Barnacle King isn't deterred. Valerie, Will and Liam get there, they get kidnapped by the nightmares of my nightmares and (Show Mrs. Clam as she makes Jokes. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well at least I made the obvious reference already but still What is going on?

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Before I get too critical again I have to give praise to Marcella for being such a impressive actor. Now back to the story. Madison, Nat and Beatrice makes it to the Sunken House as does The Barnacle King, Stanley and Blobert and it is here that we see how cowardly The Barnacle King is and what his end game is. (Show clip of The Barnacle King telling Stanley his plan which was to make a barrier that will ultimately put a barrier up between land and water which will keep humans away from water to become a merman so he can get a mermaid. Cut to James physically as he sits and rubs his head from a headache, takes two Tylenol and a bottle of Martinelli's then proceeds to take off his glasses and place them on a nightstand off screen)

TLOTA:
So, Smelthead, let me get this straight! YOU are going to use the magic from the relics to build a wall that will ultimately cut off EVERY single living creature and plant on land who needs water to survive and will ultimately die because the water they need will be gone and that amount of death will earn you a merman tail and favor with the council. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BESIDES A SMELTHEAD?! YOU ARE GOING TO COMMIT AN EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT! FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS RIGHTEOUS FOR YOUR SELFISH CAUSE.WITHOUT US STUPID 2+2=4 PEOPLE, OH I'M SORRY US 2+2=IFLYDACHOOCHOOTRAIN TRASHBREATHERS TO HELP MANAGE CERTAIN SEA CREATURES AND FIND WAYS TO FIX THE MESS WE MADE FROM ALL OUR IDIOCIES TO SHOW WE'RE RESPONSIBLE TO THE WATERS WE SCREWED UP. YOU'D BE IN A WORSE PLACE. OKAY, Yeah I'll admit we're not perfect. BUT! WITHOUT US THERE'D BE MORE PROBLEMS. YOU'D LOSE LIVING SPACE TO SO MANY FISHES AND THE PROBLEM OF THE TRASH WOULDN'T GO AWAY EITHER SMELTHEAD, IT WILL TAKE CENTURIES FOR THE MESS TO DISINTEGRATE. WHICH MEANS MORE SEACREATURES EATING THE GARBAGE AND DYING, EVEN WITHOUT US STUPID TRASHBREATHERS TO CLEAN UP THE MESS! YOU'RE NOT NAMOR OR AQUAMAN OR THOSE NIMRODS FROM PETA WHO BELIEVE YOU'LL HELP A COW IF YOU DON'T MILK BUT INSTEAD MATE WITH THEM. SCREW YOUR BARNICLED ASS BLUE YOU WORTHLESS IDIOTIC SMELTHEAD! (Sighs) Now that I got out of me, I can say that I truly hated The Barnacle King as much as I loathe Lex Luthor, Studio Execs with the I.Q. of strained peaches who pray to the alter of Charts, Graphs and test audience results, The people in charge of The DC Movie division, Disney buying everything up and sucking the life out of both Star Wars and Power Rangers leaving Power Rangers to twist in the air since 2009 after they essentially killed it so badly that not even when Saban bought it back they could revive it and as of right now Hasbro the current owners are struggling for a revival. The point of it, I so hoped that if things were the way they were and I was there The Barnacle King would be a stain on my fist. But thankfully, I wasn't, Someone better tried hid hardest to stop you. 

(Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

As Stanley and The Barnacle King fight, Stanley's disguise falls apart, the others stop the creatures from succeeding in their ceremony. But fail to stop The Barnacle King from grabbing the relics and creating the barrier. With the news showing how humans are suffering and all Madison, Valerie and their friends seemed to be resigned to the fate that The Barnacle King has killed everyone. Meanwhile the polar opposite of what The Barnacle King had hoped. Instead of being praised by the council, he gets chewed out for his sheer stupidity. Almost as if to say doing what you're doing Barnacle King is making sure you have more enemies than friends! As if to say you are (Cut to clip of Superman Returns as Lex Luthor shouts "WRONG!". Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Will's Tracker still has the signal of the Chronofish and everyone rally to get Madison and Valerie back into the fight which they do. However The Barnacle King has summoned something really, really, REALLY BAD! The Mantis God and as is he's able to wipe the beach with everyone nearly killing Blobert. Thankfully the Golden Kelp restores Blobert but after the chewing out I gave him decides to chew on the remains of what I chewed out already. Meanwhile Madison, Valerie and Beatrice take The Mantis God to the city when (Show clip of The Mantis God growing to giant Kaiju size, Cut to James as he says "Pants Officially Darkened to Midnight Black!" Cut to clips of Season 3 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Madison tries to get The Mantis God to follow her into the Aquatic dimension but even then they realize it's a stopgap until they can find a way to stop the Mantis God for good!  Will somehow finds a weak spot in the barrier to grab the Chronofish just as the Mantis God destroys the mirror. However Will finds a way to control the Chronofish to Pause the Mantis God's attack, restore the mirror and allows the time for Madison to remember the Clam's Pearl to supercharge The Mirror with enough power to vaporize the Mantis God and combined with the other relics to bring the barrier down. Apparently this earns not only Madison and Valerie's redemption to return to the ocean but also Beatrice's as well. As the season ends with Madison, Valerie and Beatrice returning but also knowing everyone had work to do to repair what The Barnacle King had done. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now we come to the essential specials. (Cut to "Aquanania", "Valerie's Boyfriend" and "Stanley's Story" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Aquanania" tells us about the Mermaid Holiday that gives Christmas, Chanukkah and Kwanza a run for it's money, Aquanania. And for that I show this clip from my Top Ten Life As A Mermaid episode (Cut to Madison and Valerie as they talk about Aquanania intercut with the others reacting and James nodding his head as if to say "Yeah, I'm following" all the way through to the end before cutting to James physically as a flag comes out of each of James' ears a Cuckoo Bird goes "Cuckoo" coming off of James' scalp and a noise maker from a party is seen as crazy music is playing in the foreground before cutting to "Aquanania" and James continues a voiceover) So if you followed that, well then Mazel Tov. However there is somewhat of a purpose besides showing Julia Alexa Miller's acting chops in another cameo at the end of this. A special paging rock for whenever and wherever they want to get together. "Valerie's Boyfriend" also shows what it would be like if Valerie were to have a beau. But both specials show the new tails for Madison and Valerie after fans had seen how much damage the tails had taken. "Stanley's story" while made after season 2 serves more of a purpose. Besides Cambell being able to be funny as he shatters the fourth wall. In the background there's a unicorn after Stanley is dragged away by Nat. Meaning things are starting to unravel for reality prepping for season four. (Cut to James Physically as he has his morpher in hand)

TLOTA:
So might as well avoid the Christmas rush. (James de-morphs turning into James Faraci)

James Faraci:

So by the fourth season, I was excited. When I heard about the trailer, I decided Okay what the hell, I'll make a reaction video. Which I will show right here.

(Cut to James Faraci physically)

James Faraci:
Then came the fact I became a Patreon and then I heard they were going to be a finale and I figured I'd add something but somehow it got lost in transition but I decided to put it on YouTube as it's own sketch. Link here

(Cut to James Faraci physically)

James Faraci:
I also made a photo thanking the cast and crew for all their hard work on my Instagram.Link Here. However I didn't know it'd be the final season. But even with all I did I felt I wasn't any help and well..

(James pulls out his morpher and morphs back to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:

Something tell me after my fifth year anniversary "Justice League" review, I wasn't helpful in the production. You see, I had an ex girlfriend who had to leave me but left a note with magical power. Which Alex read, If that didn't force the sushi to hit the fan, it wouldn't surprise me, especially with the behind the scenes footage I got. (Show behind the scenes clips from the final season of "Life As A Mermaid" as the music from Madison's fantasy in "Merman Dreams"/ "In The Net" scenes of Liam, Nat, Madison and Valerie try to clean up the beach as footage from Julia Alexa Miller's smartphone shows her floating in mid air as she meditates as it cuts to footage from Nick Slimmer as he, Maria, Diego and Cambell tries to read their lines only to see Julia Alexa Miller being able to redirect a lightning bolt to disperse a thunderstorm as the camera goes to Nick mouthing "That was weird!", Maria looking on in surprise as Cam and Diego slowly back away. Cut to the footage of Marcella and Taylor as they're getting into their tails and see heavy pieces of scenery and the two of them say to the camera "What the hell happened to her, James?". Cut to the Smartphone of footage of Cambell Dodson as he walks on a discussion between Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci which gets Julia Alexa Miller angry and she screams "Shut Up" that sends Chad flying into the Pacific Ocean and the collateral damage from the shockwave flies a mile down the beach as Cambell curses James' name. Cut to Fleur Zanna as she sees Julia Alexa Miller talking to Seagulls, Lobsters, Oysters and Star fish and going Wee-Ooh! Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, Definitely did not help production!

(Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So How does this season start? (Show Clip of a seal being shattered, Liam looking around not seeing the flying Humpback Whale, Nat working her job as Starfish landing in front of her, Stanley working his job as Tentacle Hentai kills the customer played by Chad Narducci and a news report of strange things happening while Will decides to take a day off as he has to deal with his father. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
With the first of the seven seals of the Armageddon shattered and the powers of the Oceans turning the world topsy turvy as Hell starts to break loose. (Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, I wish I was kidding. That is what is happening. A Humpback Whale is swimming in the sky, Nat finds herself being enjoying her job as much as Nat could while discovering her taking pay with Starfish, A Customer that Stanley serves which is a cameo from Chad Narducci getting beaten down and killed by Tentacle Hentai and Will while working/missing the woman he loves deciding after finishing his paper decides to take the rest of the day off as his Rock Pager turns on, calls Liam, Nat and Stanley to join him only to find Beatrice! Apparently she was able to hone in on the signal of both the mirror and the pager and tells Will the news that something isn't Kosher as Madison and Valerie's assignment for the council has forced them to disappear. However that rock can track the mirror and with wait a second "Mermiad gel"? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
You know what that's a minor flub. What isn't is the one thing that nearly took this season down?

(Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Just as Will gets used to having a tail for a while. Beatrice and Will come across the mirror and unfortunately...(Show clip of The Sea Cops, Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
There we go! While their appearances in this season is minor, every second of them being on screen drags the season down. Now don't get me wrong there is comedy in the series and it is well timed. But those three nimrods who'd probably look in the bottom of the Neversink Reservoir and think they found Atlantis! 

(Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Beatrice is "arrested" as Will gets away with the Mirror as we find Madison and Valerie captured, Seriously? Again? Oy well at least we do meet our villains of the series Ronan the Selkie played by Louie Chapman, Petromy played by Rebecca Massek who looks familiar to me somehow and Squidfrid played by Holden Weihs. Their plan is to unlock the magic that apparently has been protected by the mermaids to every sea creature in what is known as The Well Of Power in the Indian Ocean. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, as someone who had to deal with a Plot Hole that nearly destroyed the planet, let me say that unleashing that type of magic could be as dangerous as such as an event that I went through and it nearly cost me my life!

(Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

After hearing Madison's message, Will decides to find them and take Stanley, Liam and Nat even though Madison asked them not to do it. The Mirror takes the team to a miniature library where we discover Nat was into The Twilight Saga even though they can't legally use it, they encounter an Anglerfish librarian who once a book is damaged plans on killing our heroes. Stuck with no idea on how to get to the other side of the planet, Will makes a sacrifice. He sells his Tracker to his father to get the money. Meanwhile with three of the seven seals broken, Madison and Valerie who can now magically grow legs see the next lock and discover they have to sing to a nearby whale. Now to the credit of the show this is the first time that we actually hear mermaids in live action talk and sing underwater in a practical way. Up to this point it had always been animated or digitally dubbed in or at best beautiful silence with Mermaids talking when they surface. But this series breaks the silence and it was amazing! Meanwhile Will's dad now armed with the tracker tasks someone to help with his plans to turn magic into clean green affordable alternative energy and guess who he hired and who the employee thinks can help? (Show Jed returning and with photos of The Barnacle King as Dramatic music sting plays. Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

That's right, Jed is back and he plans on finding The Barnacle King. Speaking of that genocidal smelthead he and Blobert are now sharing an apartment in exile when Jed stops by to take The Barnacle King to Will's dad. Thanks to The Barnacle King's barrier Will's dad thinks he's now at the ground level of the next Clean Green Affordable Alternative Energy source. While The Barnacle King points the way to Madison and Valerie. Jed has his own connection thanks to Stanley and faster than you can say Aquanania Jed is on his way with them in secret. In the meantime Will and the others make it to The Island where the Well Of Power is found just as Valerie is given a gift to open up another seal by giving her eight arms and visually this was kind of cool and surprisingly Madison and Valerie are now on the side of Squidfred and Petromy as they want to open up the seals (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, WHAT? I've seen severe cases of Extreme Stockholm Syndrome but even by Extreme Stockholm Syndrome standards This is insane! Why are they willingly helping the people who want to toss the planet into chaos? Why A Coconut, Supergirl The Movie? What was the plot to the movie "Head" starring The Monkees? Why DID it take Black Canary six months to reach Gotham if she was inspired by the Antics of Batman in All Star Batman & Robin? Why haven't we found the cure to the Coronavirus? WHY?! WHY!?!

(Cut to clips of Season 4 of "Life As A Mermaid" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Back with our heroes and the new guy who as a spoiler as to who he is, is a descendent of the great King Huachalacha played by Noah Copfer whose ring can help them find the Well however that ring went down with a pirate that crashed into a cove. Armed with that info Nat and Liam go to find the ring while Stanley and Will try to find the mermaid's graveyard. Nat and Liam start to fall in love while getting the ring and come upon the Zombified corpse of the Sea Captain who took the ring and of course Jed. While Jed splits, Nat and Liam promise to return the ring once this is all over to the sea captain's zombified body. As that happens Ronan finds himself on the outs as everyone tries to open up the next seal and we find out that Squidfred wants to leave something behind besides bad stuff. As that's going on we see that the Mermaid Graveyard is now a golf course. But thankfully a small part of the graveyard exists as Will and Stanley get the info they need from the Mermaid Ghost played by Jade Negrete. Meanwhile Jed returns just in time for the Sea Cops to once again to slow everything down to a sea slug's pace which thank merciful god is broken when Stanley summons the Mermaid's Ghost that scares them off until the finale. As Madison and Valerie continue to open the seals, the final seal needs humans which what a coinkydink Will and the others come. While the others reluctantly agree to help Will gets upset over what's been happening and was scared that something bad happened to Madison. While that goes on they discover is how to open the final seal the only thing left is for a mermaid to open up the last part and (Show clip of Madison touching the seal) Well Congrats Madison, you opened up the seal and now it's put your head between your legs and kiss your tuchus goodbye time! I'm talking Old testament levels of Wrath of God! Fire and Brimstone falling from the sky, rivers and seas boiling, 40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, dead rising from the grave, human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria time! But that's not the worst of it. Stanley takes a blast meant for Jed and becomes a sea sponge and all the power that went through Madison nearly kills her and if that wasn't bad enough, Will's dad and Ronan team up to take the magic! In essence now would be a good time to read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and DUCK! Because with things now as bad as bad can be Ronan double crosses them and the containment unit Will's dad makes shorts out. However freed from the captures under Will's father's employment everyone rallies to help stop the madness and Stanley returns to human form and Jed does nothing of interest, I'm just gonna wrap this up. It's up to everyone to seal the well once and for all. The locks on the mountain is protected by a gigantic jellyfish but Liam and Nat seal it up, A  powerful battle for the mirror between Ronan, Valerie and Madison begins, Will shuts off the containment unit with the help of his father. Ronan is sealed in with the magic after the locks are reset. Will's dad becomes a lobster, Squidfred sacrifices his essence to help seal the well once and for all, the sea cops take Petromy in to work on a new deal and the series I don't want to say ends but after the moment of reflection from our heroes the series stops here as Madison, Valerie and Will go to Atlantis. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was "Life As A Mermaid", it still remains as awesome as the first time I saw every episode the first time. (Cut to clips of "Life As A Mermaid)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Between moments of thought provoking story telling, perfunctory direction, amazing acting, great use of practical effects and production value, great writing that is subtle and sublime at the right times as much as it is big and bombastically powerful. If you want to find it, the best route is YouTube. I already mentioned the weaknesses of the Amazon Prime & Roku routes. Give it a watch and find yourself enjoying this "Life As A Mermaid". (Cut to James physically as a voice says "HEY JAMES!". Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What's up? (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Just finished a review... (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:

Of "Life As A Mermaid", Right?

(Cut to James)

TLOTA (On the verge of crying):

Yes. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller)

Julia Alexa Miller:

Well you know what will happen after the quarantine is over. See this wax strip?  (Cut to James as he nods yes in a fearful manner. Cut to Julia Alexa Miller) I can tell you where it's not going. On your head, face, elbows, arms, legs, chest, back or thighs. (Cut to James as he gulps in fear. Cut back to Julia Alexa Miller.) That's right, your punishment will hurt like hell! (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion and I'm in a lot of trouble!

Quarantined with the "Aquamarine" Blues

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with a lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left and Olivia Horvath appear in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appear. At the 0:32-0:36 mark the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down and  James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Fade cut to James in his room at his house)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and Yeah, it’s truth telling time. Everything from The Kim Possible crossover and Reality Checkout backtracking to the American Pie movie franchise reviews were done just before this current crisis that has ALL of us quarantined which means my plans for this year including this… (James pulls out the “To Be Continued in…. “The Last Of The Americans: The Movie” coming in 2020” Card then James saying “Is now more likely this!” as James’ right hand takes the last zero out and replaces it with a one making the year 2021! James shoves it out of frame.) And for that I am sorry! But any way the quarantine has me back home with certain people. However I am still committed to my duties and responsibilities to manic-expression.com and that includes talking about a great character actress by the name of Arielle Kebbel! (Cut to stills of Arielle Kebbel and her career so far as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
And for a 35-year-young person, she has had quite a career. Starting as a contestant in the 2002 Miss Florida Teen USA beauty pageant eventually transitioning to a career in acting in TV Shows like “Gilmore Girls”, “Law and Order: SVU” & “The Vampire Diaries” and currently starring on “ Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt For The Bone Collector”  and movies like “Soul Plane”, “John Tucker Must Die” and… (Show Poster of “Fifty Shades Freed” as James says “Oh god no!” cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But still she has had a great career and Arielle still has a future that might get her critical acclaim and earn her awards. Just as long as people forgive her for her appearance in this movie.  (Cut to trailer credit of “Aquamarine” then clips of the movie as the song “Connected” by Sara Paxton plays and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yeah, the movie of 2006 that sank like the Titanic yet somehow made a tiny bit of profit at the box office. How did that happen? Was it because of the acting, the writing, the directing? Well with the critical thrashing it got I can tell you this movie did not get it because the critical reception So, let us see how this one has gone on to become a cult classic and a favorite to many. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any time! Because I know I have none, this is “Aquamarine”! (Cut to the Movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Okay We start off as we hear a voice underwater singing when… (Show the beach club and the cut storm of the scene) Yeah, I forgot how much they decided to hit the fast forward while editing this movie. But I think it was just this scene that used it the most as we are introduced to Hailey and Claire played by Jojo Levesque and Emma Roberts?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
It was early in her career as well. Way before… (Show poster of “Valentine’s Day as James demonically says “THAT!” Cut to the movie as James does his voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The two apparently have a joint crush on the hunky lifeguard Raymond played by Jake McDorman and apparently, they’re not the only one as we’re introduced to Cecilia Banks played by Arielle Kebbel however it’s not the only problem they have as Hailey and her mom are moving away at the end of the week. At what would be the last slumber party the two would have a massive storm comes as Hailey and her mom argue over her moving away and (Show clip as the power goes out and everything goes haywire then a wave is seen hitting the footage then the next day as James continues his voiceover) The next day Hailey and Claire see the pool is filled with seaweed and other things from the ocean. As Hailey tries to examine closer what else is in there she falls in and Raymond saves her. That night the two meet up with what is really in the water and it just so happens to be a… (Show clip of Aquamarine saying that she’s a Mermaid both slowly and quickly.) That is right, we have a mermaid. Her name is Aquamarine played by Sara Paxton and Aquamarine is here because she needs to learn about humans and one other subject. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I’ll give you three guesses: One) World Politics, Two) The Difference between Magicks and Science or Three) Love! (Show all clips of her talking about not knowing about love then to James physically) If you guessed Number Three, congrats I’ll ship you your case of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum and Corona Beer, the second the Corona Virus is over. Until then, sorry. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
However they have to leave when Aquamarine, Hailey and Claire are nearly spotted by the caretaker played by “Mad Max” and Australian Acting Legend Bruce Spence. The next morning Hailey and Claire are shocked as the pool is drained. However Aquamarine avoids being spotted by growing legs but hiding in the pool room with nothing but a blue pool toy. However, Aquamarine’s need for clothing is resolved thanks to Hailey’s shirt and a bit of ingenuity. The three have a little fun which is stopped with a call from Aquamarine’s dad on her “Shell Phone” (Unenthusiastically Laughing which ends in a sigh.) But apparently Aquamarine’s dad is angered by her daughter’s anguish. Thankfully before a typhoon hits, Aquamarine’s dad calms down. So now Aquamarine has three days to discover love or else She’s getting an arranged marriage to a rich squid. And how does she know love exists?

(Cut to clip of Aquamarine saying she saw it once and that she wants it! Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
If she has a relative named Madison and her husband’s name is Allen, it’d make SO much sense!

(Two voices cry, one for a sitz bath and another one crying for James’ Help is heard)

TLOTA:
My life is a never-ending nightmare of insanity! I’ll be back. However, if you’re checking this out instead of working on the cure to the virus so we can get back to normal then click out and GET BACK TO WORK GODDAMNIT! (James fumes out grabbing two Tranquilizer guns as it fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the 0:36 Mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James fully morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The three look and see that Aquamarine is taking a fancy towards Raymond, So much so that with the Subtlety of a school of Sharks, Aquamarine quickly asks the question to Raymond! But Raymond quickly rebuffs her. Hailey and Claire agree to help her and that’d lead to them getting a wish. Because if you help a mermaid, you get a wish. Okay! While cleaning out the pool Leonard, The Bruce Spence Character, discovers a necklace and a scale. Meanwhile, Hailey and Claire begin to help Aquamarine with the typical teen movie clichés. However, this gets on Cecilia’s bad side and declares war on Aquamarine. (Cut to clip of Aquamarine calling Cecilia dim sighted, Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Um… Snap?! Really even though I have teen twin nieces and they have a little sister; I don’t know how teens do things these days. OKAY I GET IT I’M AN OLD DIRTY MAN FOR WATCHING THIS MOVIE! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Apparently Aquamarine has to quickly discover everything about boys in time to talk to Raymond at a Street Fair that same day! Which they go to an hour later as they do more Teen clichés. Okay seriously what’s up with the clichés? Apparently Aquamarine gets Raymond’s attentions however as the night grows closer Aquamarine’s tail starts to return and if she’s exposed it’d be bad, I’m talking really bad. (Cut to clips of Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
I’m talking about being used for scientific experimentation in a tank after being exposed at a dinner by an overzealous Eugene Levy character. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, last comparison to Splash but seriously if you saw this and you had the come up to the same surprising comparison, it wouldn’t surprise me! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Cecilia comes in to take Raymond, Just as Aquamarine is asked out to “The Last Splash”! OKAY MOVIE, THERE’S ENOUGH ROOM FOR ME TO MAKE THE REFERENCES TO… (Cut to “The Last Splash” scenes. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Oh, it’s a party to celebrate the end of Summer! Okay, My bad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Aquamarine and Hailey decide that a water tank would be a good hiding spot for her while on land at night. That night Hailey and Claire plan to help Aquamarine to get Raymond with a Makeover montage! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So I guess they’re sacrificing their crush on Raymond to help Aquamarine find love? I guess that’s a good moral, but I don’t know if anyone saw that? (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While getting Starfish that act like talking Earrings, I’m just going with this with the mind set of getting done quickly, this happens. (Show clip of Aquamarine telling how she discovered love by a couple as it turns out Aquamarine was present on the day her parents died. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So, Claire’s parents were the reason Aquamarine discovered love and she was there the day they died!  WHY IS CLAIRE WILLINGLY HELPING THE PERSON WHO WAS A WITNESS TO HER PARENTS DEATH?! (The sound of Muffled voices screaming at James to stop getting angry and yelling are heard. James grabs two tranquilizer guns and walks away. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Apparently Aquamarine discovers Cecilia’s story about asking Raymond to the Last Splash and is heartbroken. However Claire is refusing to stop helping the person who again is the witness to her parents death with Claire getting Raymond and Hailey stopping Aquamarine by reminding her of what is going to happen if she returns. Aqua and Hailey hang out bathtub side eating “Phish Food” Ice Cream, funny, as Raymond comes in! Thankfully Raymond decides to ask Aquamarine to “The Last Splash”. Just before they kiss, Aquamarine has to head back to the water tank for the night as Cecilia discovers Aquamarine’s mermaid secret and plans on exposing her the next day. Thankfully Leonard shows up and rescues Aquamarine at the last moment to give Aquamarine her necklace back meaning that he knew and promised to keep her secret meaning he gets a wish granted! Aqua and Raymond meet and Aqua asks Raymond again if she loves her. Raymond is still stymied at the thought when (Show Cecilia as she throws Aquamarine into the water then a storm erupts, cut to James physically as he grabs two tranquilizer guns. Cut to James as he walks out the front door)

TLOTA:
Well, This is just a perfect moment this year! (Cut to the sky as it shows dark clouds and a raspy voice saying “Subcreatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer The Destroyer! Volghuss Zildrahar the traveler has come!” Cut to James as he walks back in and fires the tranquilizers into the sources of the voices wondering what’s going on. Cut to James as he walks into his room!)

TLOTA:
Well Cecilia, I hope that you’re proud of yourself, you unleashed Gozer! What can you do for an encore?

(Cut to the movie as Cecilia as she asks Raymond out after she tosses Aquamarine, exposing her mermaid secret! Cut to James physically with his Jaw agape!)

TLOTA:
You…have…GOT…TO BE…KIDDING….ME! (James gets up as it cuts to a Still image of Lisa from “The Room” and James in the still as he grabs the frozen still of Lisa out of the scene. Cut to a Still image of Cecilia, Raymond and Aquamarine from “Aquamarine” as James knocks Raymond and Aquamarine with Raymond getting a Wilhelm scream out of him out and puts Lisa in the place of Raymond and James where Aquamarine is.)

TLOTA:
OKAY AUDIENCE, IT’S TIME TO PLAY “WHO’S WORSE?” CECILIA FROM “AQUAMARINE” OR LISA FROM “THE ROOM”! Let us list the atrocities, shall we? Lisa from “The Room” constantly cheated on Johnny with Mark. She has had no qualms about doing whatever it took to get Johnny out of her life to be with Mark, She faked a story about Johnny hitting her, she lied about carrying Johnny’s child, 95 percent of her conversations with her Breast Cancer riddled mother is about how much she hates Johnny, even though she agreed to be his wife! Lisa causes Johnny to commit Suicide even after she becomes the cause of Johnny’s demise while looking over Johnny’s corpse she still tries to get Mark! Cecilia from “Aquamarine” has made herself transparent that she’ll do whatever it takes to get Raymond. She had her stooges basically lie about her taking Raymond to the Last Splash. Cecilia nearly exposes her to the public on the news, we have Bruce Spence to thank for that not happening then just as things couldn’t get worse with Raymond not knowing how to feel about Aquamarine Cecilia tosses her back to the ocean exposing Aquamarine to Raymond and unleashing GOZER and as if it weren’t that bad she STILL decides to hit on Raymond as all HELL BREAKS LOOSE AND SHE IS THE CAUSE OF THE OCEANS RISING TO DESTROY US ALL! Oh, who am I kidding they’re both equally as bad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Raymond rebukes Cecilia caring more for Aquamarine. Cecilia causer of the Apocalypse handles the loss well. (Show clip of Cecilia shrieking “NO!” cutting to James physically as his ears are bleeding and his glasses lenses shatter)

TLOTA:
Well thank you Cecilia causer of the Apocalypse, I didn’t need my glasses or hearing! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Hailey and Claire run into the water attempting to rescue Aquamarine from her father sacrificing their wishes to save her and apparently the tears from Aquamarine were enough proof to Aquamarine’s father that love exists! WOW MOVIE…just…JUST WOW! You built up that if Aquamarine showed her father that love existed by trying to hook up Raymond and Aquamarine, when in reality it was the power of love through friendship that the three have that saved the day! Excuse me for a moment. (The sound of James walking away and James closing a door as he screams like a banshee is heard, then the sound of James returning is heard as an audible sigh is heard.) So yeah, The movie ends with Aquamarine and Raymond talk about having a romantic relationship and Claire and Hailey sad knowing that even though they will be apart, they’ll still be friends and a montage of photos of the three and the good times they had. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “Aquamarine” and maybe it’s because it came out when my twin nieces were too young or I was starting to phase out of that type of movies but yeah I liked it but it didn’t leave an impact on me. (Cut to clips of the movie as “Island In The Sun” plays and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
It’s not as bad as say “Fish Tales” or as confusingly awful as “The Three Tails: A Mermaid Adventure” but there is some wrong in it. The clichés were just too much, the whole romance vs love thing just seemed too jumbled up and I kind of felt that any morals and lessons learned were not absorbed well. But the acting wasn’t bad, the writing while hard to deal with was well handled in a story like this, the effects were seamless and the directing was competent at best. Do I recommend it? As a guilty pleasure absolutely but only as a rental. It is not worth the extra few bucks to own this movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Besides it didn’t exactly make stars overnight nor did it kill every career. Arielle Kebbel came out just fine. I mean look at her IMDB, Look at her. (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

TLOTA (Audio only):
With her New York Apartment, her couch, her well cared for body. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Her eyes that appear to be stabbing daggers into my sou.. (James groans like Moe from The Three Stooges. Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
Arielle Kebbel? (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
That’s right and I have a few bones to pick with you. You may have found me and a lot of my work enjoyable, but I wish I could say the same about you. (Cut to James physically)

Arielle Kebbel (Audio only):
You see James, I don’t like your reviews but guess what I found… (Cut to Arielle Kebbel physically)

Arielle Kebbel:
You see I did some digging around and found footage from the archives of Sullivan County BOCES and the Liberty High School 2002-2003 school year and in them a whole lot of feature a certain future Internet Reviewer by the name of James Faraci! (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
I knew this was coming, if you think I wasn’t expecting this, I’ve been waiting since Mara Wilson took on a Meshuginah Schmuck from Chicago for this moment! (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
Really? Ever since then? (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
Oh yeah! Let’s do it! (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
Okay James, Your funeral! PLAY IT! (Static cuts to old footage of James singing and performing in The Sullivan County BOCES Concerts. Cut to James as he starts to look away but then sees his performances and smiles)

TLOTA:
Oh MY GOD! Look at me! (Cut to the old footage of James performing as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even back then I was as hammy as all get out! And look at my haircuts! How in the hell did I not get my ass kicked for looking that and those different style glasses, What was I thinking? (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
Uh Okay, I wasn’t expecting that reaction. (Cut to James in His Room)

TLOTA:
Looking back at me at my youngest and as I progress, WOW! (Cut to the old footage of James as he does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Even then I was the overstuffed Square Peg trying to fit into the round hole! And what about the style of clothing! I knew looking back one day I’d be saying to myself “What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all?” (Cut to James in his room)

TLOTA:
Wow, this look back down memory lane was the necessary reminder of why should get out and how I can fit in! (Cut to Arielle Kebbel in her apartment)

Arielle Kebbel:
Okay, WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?!  (Arielle Kebbel goes to get her usual needs to read a script.) Sorry for breaking character but I’m reading the script and it says “Arielle Kebbel torments and tortures James Faraci The Last Of The Americans until he breaks and Arielle Kebbel maniacally laughs as it cuts to black and the words drenched in blood read “Hollywood will win, No matter what!”. As you say every now and then “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ZEUS’ BUTTHOLE IS GOING ON?”! (Cut to the old footage of James as James stands in front of it)

TLOTA:
You wanna know? I’ll tell ya! You and most of the acting community believe us Internet Reviewers are all the same! Pissy little angry fanboys who hide in front a camera or computer, scared of being hurt by Hollywood! That is where you are wrong Kebbel! I’m not a little angry fanboy! I am James Benjamin Faraci, I AM THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS! I FEAR NO ONE OR NO THING! YOU WANT FEAR! (James takes off his glasses) FEAR THIS! (James starts to pull off his face as it cuts to Arielle Kebbel as she says, “What the hell is going on?” Cut to James as the skin around the neck start to tear off as he screams. Cut to Arielle Kebbel as she starts to look in terror at the situation and said “If you turn out to be an alien, given everything that’s happened so far this year it wouldn’t surprise me  if I was right!”. Cut to James as his face starts to come off and he screams again in more pain. Cut to Arielle Kebbel as she shouts “JAMES, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE DOING I SWEAR I…” Cut to James as his face finally comes off and reveals an ever expanding Kayla High Face as it starts the “Remember Me, Eddie” moment from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”  When The bit goes into the part of where Judge Doom says “I talked” the scene cuts to Arielle Kebbel with a look of complete fear on her face. Cut back as the face as it covers the entirety of the scream of Judge Doom shouting “JUST…LIKE THIIIIIIIIIIIIS!” and the shout of the word of “THIS” is held as it cuts to Arielle Kebbel as she screams “No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” then slams to black as letters in Blood Red say “FIND THE CORONA VIRUS CURE! NOW!”. Fade to Black)