Reality Checkout: Wrestling with "Wreality"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
In 2017, I covered one singular Wrestling Reality TV star Eva Marie, who I heard has gone on to move past her reality tv star status to become a sunglasses/fashion designer and to that I say good for her to find her niche outside of her reality tv fame. But at the time she was, in my opinion, only famous for being a "Wrestler" in title only on Reality TV, that's only because I never saw her as a wrestler, I saw her as a reality tv star and thankfully she's not... (Cut to a still of Eva Marie in "Celebrity Big Brother 2" as James shouts "SON OF A BITCH!" before cutting to James Physically). WHY...ARE... YOU... DOING THIS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN TO DO THIS?! THEN YOU PROVE ME RIGHT BY BEING IN THIS? YOU... YOU... REALITY TV STAR! (James sighs) But I guess it didn't hurt that my memories reminded me specifically that Reality TV and WWE have been together for quite a while! (Cut to clips of "Tough Enough" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(Voiceover):
"Tough Enough" was meant to highlight newer talent that the WWE could get behind and show what goes on behind "Sports Entertainment". However after a few years on MTV the series ended there with only a few truly talented superstars being recognized in WWE as well as in Pro-Wrestling. So soon after they reformatted the concept to a challenge on WWE's Raw and Smackdown brands which didn't last long in that format. Then came the third and fourth revival attempt and if you know who went on to succeed, then let me know in the comment section. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
However one name that had something of a legacy before he was on reality tv was... One moment (James walks away and whispers are heard in the background for a few seconds before coming back into frame) Okay, just needed some clarity because for a while the name I'm about to say was blacklisted for a while but apparently time has forgiven my next example... (Cut to clips of Hulk Hogan's legendary career as "Real American" by Rick Derringer plays in the foreground and James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Hulk Hogan is considered a legend. Back in the 1980's and 1990's his career was unrivaled by anyone. When he was in the WWE then known as the WWF he turned Pro-Wrestling from bar room fare to family friendly entertainment holding the Championship several times throughout the 1980's. Making a name for himself at WrestleMania 3 as he took on Andre The Giant. When the Hulkster jumped from WWF to the then rival WCW in the mid-1990's he helped keep wrestling going after one of the best Heel turns in the biz when he, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash formed the n.W.o. However by the late 2000's, Hulk's career in the ring started to wind down a bit and he needed to find a new niche for his career. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And sadly when he found it, his career and personal life went the way of the territory days of Pro Wrestling. That moment happened when he appeared on Reality TV! (Cut to the intro of "Hogan Knows Best" before cutting to clips of "Hogan Knows Best" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Hogan Knows Best" showed the fans of Hogan a peek into Hogan's personal life ala "The Osbournes" and other reality shows of the same ilk. But the show had a secondary purpose to help Hulk's daughter Brooke start a career in music which went nowhere but downwards quickly and after the series ended things went south for Hogan in his real personal life, Linda had filed for Divorce from Hulk, his son Nick had been arrested on almost killing his friend with his reckless driving and as for Brooke? Well... (Cut to intro to "Brooke Knows Best" before cutting to clips of "Brooke Knows Best" as James continues his voiceover) "Brooke Knows Best" followed Brooke Hogan as she left her very destroyed family in an attempt to start fresh. While she did love her brother and parents, she had to have her own life and with cameras on her and her very long legs. Thankfully after a while Brooke realized that having the camera on her was a liability instead of being a detriment to her career and ended her relationship with Reality TV just as quickly as she started her attempt to bolster her career with "Brooke Knows Best". (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Her father on the other hand...Well... (Cut to clips of Hulk Hogan on any Reality TV show he hosted and or was associated with as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
He appeared on so many reality shows including a revamping of "American Gladiators" which was short lived, hosted an Z-List Celebrity challenge show called "Celebrity Challenge Wrestling" a brief appearance on another revamping of "Tough Enough" before some racial slurs blacklisted Hogan again, A small persons pro-wrestling league. Every single appearance on reality TV crippled his legacy, destroyed his legitimacy and turned Hulk Hogan from an Icon to a cartoonish caricature of who he used to be. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
No wonder he nearly contemplated eating a gun. If my legacy was demolished with every appearance in a genre of TV meant to basically look at humans and show us as the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder, I'd want to end things as much as Hulk wanted to. But by the mid 2010's WWE needed something to help them return to prominence and as it was mentioned when I ripped Eva Marie for this the WWE went back to Reality TV on the same network that gave us the Kardashians! (Cut to intros to both "Total Divas" & "Total Bellas" before cutting to clips from those series as James does a voiceover about both series.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As I mentioned before in my Reality Checkout of Eva Marie, "Total Divas" was meant to be a  platform to help show what it was like for the women's division of the WWE then known as the "Divas" division and what it would be like for them in the world of Pro Wrestling in the WWE. Of course the breakout star in it's inception was Eva Marie. While eventually her career did end there with many a smark saying "Hallelujah", I eventually felt guilty for saying such a comment and I have since renounced my negative thoughts and emotions towards her. I'm not proud of what I said about her or how her career in the WWE ended but again I am glad that she has found her true career. But I digress, The success of "Total Divas" led to the spin off for Nikki and Brie Bella dubbed "Total Bellas" which looked at Nikki's relationship with John Cena and Brie's with her husband Daniel Bryan. While it did show what their personal relationships were like especially with Brie giving birth to her daughter Birdie it also showed the total destruction of not only the relationship between Nikki and Cena but also the downfall of John Cena's reputation with women as it showed him not only talking down to Nikki but shooting down all her hopes and dreams of a Happily Ever After which included marrying and starting a family with Cena. (Cut to clips of WWE as Miz attacks Cena and then clips of WrestleMania 33 as James continues his voiceover) But the tipping point that tipped me away from siding with Cena happened in a match at WrestleMania 33 in which the build up for the match included former Reality TV Star turned legitimate Wrestling Superstar Mike "The Miz" Mizanin having been eliminated by Cena in the Go Home Pay Per View before WrestleMania 33 and since then Miz took potshot after potshot at Cena. Miz even mocked his relationship with Nikki thanks to the help of Miz's real life wife and WWE Women's Superstar Maryse Ouellet Mizanin which culminated with a mixed tag match as Cena and his then girlfriend Nikki going up against Miz and Maryse. While the match was okay the ending was what sent me over in the most negative of reactions. (Show clip of John Cena proposing to Nikki Bella before cutting to James physically as he takes off his glasses.)

TLOTA:
Cena...HOW... DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU USE MIZ AND MARYSE IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO KEEP NIKKI BELLA AROUND WHEN YOU KNEW YOU WERE ON BORROWED TIME WITH HER! ANY GUY WITH HALF A BRAIN CELL AND A WORKING LIBIDO WOULD DO EVERYTHING FOR A WOMAN LIKE THAT AND THEY WOULD'VE SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR HER! AND YOU FRICKING CHOSE THE GRANDEST STAGE OF THEM ALL TO TRY A LAST DITCH GAMBIT TO MAKE IT WORK? WELL GUESS WHAT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT AND "SPOILERS" YOU DID YOUR BEST TO MAKE SURE IT WOULDN'T. HOW DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN! YOU HAD A REAL GOOD THING AND THEN YOU MADE IT CRASH AND BURN ON NIKKI AND BRIE'S REALITY SHOW ON PURPOSE. JOHN CENA YOU ARE A DICK AND THERE WILL BE PROOF OF THAT THANKS TO YOU BEING A PART OF REALITY TV AND THE FACT THAT YOU HURT HER ON REALITY TV SHOULD BE YOUR ONE WAY TICKET TO A VINCE RUSSO LEVEL OF WRESTLING HELL TO WHICH YOU'LL BE STUCK IN FOR ALL ETERNITY! (Sighs) And what's worse... it dragged someone who got out of Reality TV back into it and he dragged his family in there as well, though admittedly his wife was already on "Total Divas" so... Just play the opening and I'll talk about it. (Cut to the Miz's shout of "AWESOME" as the opening credits of "Miz & Mrs." before cutting to clips of "Miz &  Mrs." as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
"Miz & Mrs" which like "Total Bellas" is a spinoff from "Total Divas" but this time centering on the married life of Mike "The Miz" Mizanin and his wife Maryse and in their very brief first season showed them moving out of their Los Angeles house dubbed Chateau MarMiz to Castle MarMiz aka their home in Houston Texas and in the midst of that Miz and Maryse had their daughter Monroe and for the most part is the least annoying of these Wrestling Reality but that's like saying the least annoying moment for Impact Wrestling in the past few years was Dixie Carter. The reason I gave up enjoying Wrestling full time. Now, don't get me wrong, it's bad but a likable type of bad. I mean I got a chuckle when Marjo blew up the implied nude photo of Miz and Maryse. I loved seeing the birth of Monroe Sky, Their journey to their new home in Austin when they accidentally left Marjo just hours away from their new home was enough to make me realize Miz can make as many mistakes like the rest of us. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But after watching all these Wrestling Reality series, I saw something that'd make Jim Cornette so harshly tear into Vince McMahon for this. Taking the talent he has and exposing their privacy. (Cut to clips of Reality TV starring Wrestling superstars as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Wrestling needs a bit of a mystery, reality shows basically shows the man behind the Wizard Of Oz  and in something like the WWE that's not good unless the mystery is there is no mystery. But still I think that with the veil is gone it takes a lot out of WWE not only in their performers but also in their show. I'm probably the only one to think this but when a Wrestler is no longer the character they are, they deserve the privacy to live the rest of their days in peace and privacy. Shoving a camera in the faces of these performers who no longer are the characters robs them of the little bit of decency left in the legends and basically robs the next generation of their momentum because it basically says "This image from Reality TV is who they are." unless they're The Miz and somehow they're able to turn their Reality TV star status into a necessary joke about who they were in the past and them saying "I am embarrassed to have that be someone's first impression of me because that is the joke. Who I am now is not that joke, who I am is here to perform in the ring and win the championship." (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Bottom Line Wrestling needs to check out of Reality TV! (Cut to a physical representation of Reality TV as it walks down the road as it gets RKO'd from out of nowhere as Michael Cole shouts "RKO! RKO!" before cutting to James physically) I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!

Cena & The "Blockers"

(Scene begins with an overhead shot of the Catskills and the “Xena” theme song plays in the foreground before cutting to a clip of the n.W.o 2002 WWE run as an announcer played by DukeCT says “In a time of returning ancient tribes.”, Brock Lesnar brutalizing everyone as an announcer played by DukeCT says “Monsters” and Triple H holding both the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship as an announcer played by DukeCT says “And men who would be kings!” and the WWE brand splitting for the first time as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A company divided cries out for a hero” as more matches play scenes of two different men getting prepared one with a pair of Jean Shorts the other a pair of contractor jeans. The First man preparing a colored shirt, the other putting on an American Flag shirt before cutting to the first man entering a ring who just so happens to be John Cena before cutting to an image of John Cena as he holds a championship and the words “Cena: Warrior Actor” an announcer played by DukeCT says, “He was Cena!” before cutting to a clip of John Cena running at full steam as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A mighty warrior forged in the challenge of competition!” before seeing John hit an AA on Edge and The Big Show before cutting to James Faraci as it cuts to James Faraci getting to his seat as the credit reads “Starring James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” before cutting to a clip of John Cena hits Edge with an AA at Unforgiven as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The intensity” before cutting to an image of Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Nick Yaun, John & Mike Santos, Ed Champion & Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath and Renee Miller as they see their names before cutting to James on the horseshoe couch as he plays a movie before cutting to John Cena’s Acting Repertoire as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The Actor” as more clips of John Cena’s Acting Repertoire before cutting to John Cena as he takes a butt bong of beer before cutting to James gets ready for another review as an announcer played by DukeCT says “His Reviews will change the internet forever!” before cutting to a blurred black and white image of John Cena holding the WWE Championship and the words “The Last Of The Americans” shimmer in before fading to Julia Alexa Miller in her apartment as she watches the news from James’ neck of the woods and how the protests have ground Sullivan County NY to a halt and how The Governor will allow the protests to continue before Julia Alexa Miller continues to watch the TV while listening to someone on the phone.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah James, you’re right it’s not getting better for you and I think I saw Fleur, Ric and Audi in the protest. Excuse me for a moment… (Julia Alexa Miller puts James on hold before Julia Alexa Miller disappears before hearing a voice shouting from the TV shakes the apartment and the crowd is knocked out before Julia Alexa Miller returns) Sorry about… Oh, you saw. Well of course you can do the review here, Yep, your landing spot is ready, so how long before you get here?  (The sound of James’ time and space device is heard as Julia Alexa Miller turns around to get to the landing spot as James’ Time and Space Device exactly on the spot)

TLOTA:
Will right now work? (Julia Alexa Miller kisses James on the mouth)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Absolutely. (Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller on a couch as the two relax)

TLOTA:
Thanks. I would’ve gone to my family, but they’d give me Tsouris and you deserve a medal for lasting a day with them.

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, your family is not that bad. (James gives Julia the “seriously” look) James, your parents and your siblings were joking on paying me off to end the relationship.

TLOTA:
You’re right besides my nieces were the nicest. I guess it doesn’t hurt that the twins are a few years older than you and they like you and little Vivian just blows my mind with everything that comes out of her mouth and usually their judgement I know are the best and I trust them the most. Probably a lot more than how their parents are doing it and how parents in teen comedies now a days. (Cut to the trailer title card of “Blockers” then cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover and 1:38-2:23 from “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf plays in the foreground of the clips)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“Blockers” had an interesting concept idea “What would happen if the kids from “American Pie” went on to have kids that wound up in the same situations exactly like their parents?” (Cut to James and Julia on the couch)

TLOTA:
Spoilers: They tried it! (James points to his left with his right hand as the poster of “American Reunion” is seen on James’ left side) And it didn’t work then

Julia Alexa Miller:
How are you able to do that? You know what never mind, I’ve got a lot to do and it’s gonna be stressful enough for me with you here and I need to clean this place up and… (James kisses Alex) Okay, that means I’ll do what I have to do and you’ll clean up and review “Blockers” (Cut to clips of “Blockers” as James does a voiceover and 1:38-2:23 from “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf plays in the foreground of the clips.)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Will this movie make me pine for the days in which Jim and the “American Pie” gang or will this even gross them out of ever doing another physical comedy movie ever again. (Cut to James in the Cleaning Supply Closet as he pulls out a vacuum)

TLOTA:
Let’s not waste any second, this is “Blockers” (A variety of mops and brooms land on James before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The movie begins we’re introduced to Julie, Kayla and Sam at their first day in school as their parents drop them off. The played by Leslie Mann, Ike Barenholtz and John Cena (The footage shakes as it cuts to an explosion as James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire as Julia Alexa Miller walks in to see the damage)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What in the hell happened?

TLOTA:
The plausibility of the movie exploded within the first minute and a half!

Julia Alexa Miller:
How? Just play the clip

TLOTA:
Okay (Cut to clip from “Total DIvas” of John Cena saying why he never wants kids before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The three parents and kids quickly bond as we then jump to the parents and the kids to their senior prom as Julie and her mom talk about what it’ll be for the two of them when the daughter goes off to college as we see John Cena eat his daughter’s underwear. (Cut to James as he shuts off the Vacuum.)

TLOTA:
Okay Universal movie, you do realize the Dark Universe collapsed under its own stupidity, if this is somehow is connected to it, I DON’T WANNA KNOW! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After an offensively bad remark on how he thinks he’s a bad parent and his wife thinks he’s being overprotective though granted I’d be in the same boat if I had a daughter. Kayla hits John with sports knowledge on what to do on the field and that calms Cena down for a bit as Julie comes to rather a typical conclusion that this prom night, she’s gonna do the nasty thing with her boyfriend and tells her two friends. (Cut to James as he puts up a mop)

TLOTA:
Oh wait, my weapons are back in New York so they’re not on Standby. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After hearing that her two friends decide to jump off the same cliff with her tonight, though hopefully with their own perspectives. Meanwhile Julie gets an acceptance letter from UCLA, Sam’s mom and stepfather are excited for their daughter on her prom night and worried about her friendship with Julie and Kayla. Speaking of Kayla well her parents are handling the fact she’s going to Prom well enough for a sports enthusiast. Meanwhile a messenger conversation that Julie is having with Austin winds up on a laptop! This is supposed to be a plot point! (Show clip of Kayla talking about how Coconut Oil is good for sex as it cuts to James falling off a ladder and the duster hitting James on the head)

TLOTA:
Okay if my nieces ever talked about that and I was within earshot, trust me they’d be hearing from me for a Looooooong time after hearing that! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Ike Barenholtz comes in with a limo for her daughter and her friends though Cena and Leslie Mann rip Ike a new one politely for being an absentee parent. Just as Cena sees his daughter’s Man bun wearing date. Trust me when I say, I know what’s going on in his head. A couple of slugs, a shovel and a piece of property that no one is interested in until the body has decayed to the point Forensic science will remain baffled and I can get away with it. Meanwhile Julie’s mom discovers her daughter’s laptop and the messenger conversation which gets the attention of not only Julie’s mom but Cena and Ike as well and Cena is well so blissfully ignorant that he well… (Show clip of John Cena as he thinks that it’s more innocent than it is before cutting to James as he puts away a step ladder)

TLOTA:
SIE SIND AUS DUMMKOPF GERMACHT! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in as she closes the door)

Julia Alexa Miller:
I see those German lessons have been paying off.

TLOTA:
I’ve been hearing it from my dad for a long time!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well speaking of parents, mine will be here soon as well as the rest of my family. So, take a break, clean up because you smell like god knows what, then finish the review.

TLOTA:
Uh Quick question your family, do they know about…?

Julia Alexa Miller:
They know it all.

(James walks away chuckling and saying to himself “I’m a dead man!” over and over again as Julia Alexa Miller tries to comfort James as the scene fades to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to “Blockers” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Knowing that their daughters are out to do the deed, our three parents have a breakdown then decide to team up in hopes of stopping them from becoming Prom Night Mommas! (Cut to clip of Cena and Mann as they overpower Ike and the three hit the road and Ike admits to the others his daughter is gay and Julie’s dad was an asshole before cutting to a freshly washed and cleaned James in a tee shirt and a towel)

TLOTA:
Ike, I hope in real life that you haven’t and will NEVER reproduce because I will feel so sorry for how messed up their lives are gonna be. (Julia Alexa Miller says that James’ clothes are on her bed and James walks out before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile Sam, Kayla and Julie seem to enjoy the Prom as Kayla bluntly tells her date he plans on doing the deed in the most unsubtle of ways, Sam meets a girl and Julie gets to enjoy the prom. Just as the parents make their way to the prom our three teens bolt out of Prom and Cena goes on the hunt. After Ike sees his daughter kiss a guy Ike goes into hunting parent mode as well. Their first stop after the prom is to go to the house of Austin’s parents by Gary Cole and Gina Gershon who tells them about Kyler Montero’s Lake House. Before they get there, we get a chewing out by Cena’s wife. (The footage shakes as it cuts to an explosion as James grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire as Julia Alexa Miller walks in to see the damage)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Again?!

TLOTA:
I’ll clean up the mess. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After a bait and switch the three parents get Kyler Montero’s address just as the three get to a party where a special Macaroon is served and Kayla indulges …(Cut to Kayla’s High Face as her eyes bug out as it cuts to James getting scared and hiding behind the couch and Julia Alexa Miller picks it up with ease)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What’s wrong?!

TLOTA (whispering):
The Face! The Face of nightmares! (Julia looks at Kayla’s High face)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Doesn’t look that scary!

TLOTA:
Just wait until I put the audio in and sync it up with Kayla's mouth, you’ll be behind this couch with me! (Cut to Kayla’s high face as her mouth animatedly moves and the audio of Judge Doom talking about how he killed Eddie Valliant’s Brother comes out of her mouth before cutting to James and Julia looking scared trying to peer out to look before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After that bit of nightmare rocket fuel, our three parents make it to Kyler’s in hopes of doing what needs to be done just as the moment in which Julie tries to recreate the American Beauty Sex Scene, thanks for the image of… You know what, I’m going to show some Decorum and not finish the obvious Kevin Spacey Joke because it’s not worth it. But apparently the three parents are there discover Connor bakes drugs into all his food and its butt beer chugging time! (Cut to John Cena’s reaction as he butt chugs and his daughter thinks she’s hallucinating before cutting to James and Julia as they have a disturbed look)

TLOTA:
YOU GAVE ME “WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?” VIETNAM FLASHBACK! YOUR DAD IS BUTT CHUGGING BEER AND YOU THINK YOU’RE TRIPPING?! YOU NEED HELP! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
After the cops come, Ike takes Cena’s Butt Beer to the face and our three wannabe teen moms get the hell out of there and Cena becomes funnier as this thing goes on, that’s a miracle! (Show clip of Cena being funny before cutting back to the movie) The three decide to hit the speed to stop the Limo which everyone in there is tossing their cookies and our parents wind up… well upended and stuck in the ditch. Meanwhile our three discover that their parents are PISSED as hell. Julie takes the initiative to nip their parents in the bud. (Cut to the conversation as Julie tells her mom off.) After that Julie’s mom tells the two other parents she might die alone. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
You will not die alone, but (James points to his right with his left hand and it shows a picture of John Cena) he will! Especially after how his last relationship ended. (Cut to the movie as Ike tells the two how messed up his life is as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Okay dude, no offense but if you were any kind of man, you would’ve been more mature and handled things better when the kimchi hit the fan! Anyway, the three get back to finding their kids after their ride explodes. They grab Austin’s dad’s phone after some unusually bizarre antics. (Cut to the parents as Ike and Cena mouth their words before cutting to James on Julia’s Couch.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
T-Minus 30 minutes before my parents get here! (James mouths “I’m Doomed!” as the words are in the same text as the movie’s before cutting back to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our three make it to the hotel party just as their parents do and the search begins. Julie’s night of hooking up begins just as her mom is under the bed hearing everything. Cena goes door to door to door to give Connor an Attitude Adjustment he’ll never forget except the fact Kayla and Manbun never did the deed! Cena and Kayla talk about what’s going on and for what it’s worth the two are cool. In the meantime, Ike finds his daughter as Ike and her talk out what’s up with her daughter and Ike admits he was wrong in not being there for his daughter as her daughter tells him she’s a lesbian and Frank and her mom doesn’t know and neither of her friends either because she’s afraid of losing them. After the three parents find themselves on solid ground with their kids, they decide to have a few shots. Meanwhile Julie does the deed, Kayla finds herself cool with her friends, Sam comes out, and the movie ends as it cuts to three months later as Julie heads on out to UCLA and a road trip with Kayla and Sam and the parents getting punked after they thought their daughters were up to more mishaps but I guess everything they went through had an effect on Cena as he and his wife decide to well... (Cut to mid-credit scene of John Cena and his wife playing nearly naked Blind Man’s bluff before someone related to the two walks in before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “Blockers” and what else can I say except YOWZA! (Cut to clips of “Blockers” as James does a voiceover and 1:38-2:23 from “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf plays in the foreground of the clips)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie just was so Nucking Futs and keep in mind, the first true Teen Sex Comedy I ever saw was “Porky’s” and I was 12 and save for one trip that gave me Vietnam Flashback to "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" acting wise everyone pulls out a decent performance. The Story doesn’t drag on, the comedy isn’t too unbearable, and I really found myself enjoying this more I saw it. I say for those who are 18 and over give it a watch. Anyone else just wait it’ll be worth it. (Cut to James and Julia physically on the couch)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and… (Knock on the door) I’ll get that. (James walks away and the audio of the door opens, and James says, “Oh Hello, Alex your family is here, please cut off the review!” Julia Alexa Miller uses her Sonic Screwdriver as it cuts to black before the words “Several hours later” is seen on screen before cutting to James as he sits and sighs on the couch.)

TLOTA:
Wow, what a day! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in with a drink for herself and him)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, the positive was you got along with my family. They really enjoyed your cooking and I heard what you and my family were talking about. James, trust me they really like you and you don’t have to be afraid of any of them not even my parents. That crowd in Sullivan County New York, now they are what you should be afraid of. (“Go, Go, Power Rangers is heard coming out from James) Is that your phone?

TLOTA:
Yeah, let me get that. Hello? Okay. Right Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, Really? As long as I get to do the review with minimum interference Renee, Whatever John Cena movie you want I’ll do! Thanks. Yeah, I’ll be back soon. (James ends call) Well apparently Renee is sorry for driving me out of the studio and is willing to let me work on the last review in my Cena marathon in peace. The Caveat, I’ve got to review a John Cena movie that she wants me to review. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller getting up)

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, if you go back there, the odds aren’t good on… (James kisses her.) Okay James, I’ll trust you. Good Luck.

TLOTA:
I’ll see you for Valentine’s Day. I love you.

Julia Alexa Miller:
I know. (James walks away as the sound of James’ time and space device takes off as Julia Alexa Miller stands there with a scared for James’ sanity look on her face before she sees a box on the Coffee table and an envelope with the words “Do not open until Valentine’s Day” before slamming to black)