In Defense of... THE XFL?!?

(Opening begins at the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours and welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Well, it's Super Bowl Season and as usual for New York Jets Fans most are ending their lives in a myriad of different ways. But apparently there is hope in 2020 as a new Football league is coming in and it is run by... (Cut to an image of Vince McMahon before cutting to James looking scared). Well hopefully he won't make the same mistakes he did the first time, I mean it's not like he's going to try and revive (Cut to the XFL 2020 logo and James shouting "GODDAMN IT VINCE!" before cutting to James physically) Okay, maybe it won't be the same as it was in 2001, maybe he learned more in the time in between then and now. Lord willing and the crick don't rise! But maybe there is a small amount of good that came from the 2001 attempt to change the game or perhaps Vince knew what he was doing the first time around. (Cut to XFL 2001 footage as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Let's face facts The 2001 XFL season was doomed from the start! But I think even Vince McMahon knew that and for what it's worth it did somethings right. For example a rule was made that on any stoppage of play the clock would start up again once the ball was spotted. But that happened after a very, VERY DISASTEROUS MISSTEP done by the league on a Saturday Night telecast as it went into double overtime which forced Saturday Night Live to be delayed and well it wouldn't surprise me if Lorne Michaels went this level of nuts on Dick Ebersol (Cut to James in a green screen looking like a very battered, bloodied and bruised Lorne Michaels.)

Lorne Michaels:
DICK EBERSOL NOBODY EVER (BLEEP)ING DELAYS MY SHOW WHICH I HAVE FOUGHT TO STAY ON FOR THIS (BLEEP)ING LONG! YOU AND (BLEEP) MCMAHON WILL NEVER DELAY ANOTHER EPISODE OTHERWISE I WILL (BLEEP)ING BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR (BLEEP)ING XFL FOOTBALL! (Cut to a very nervous James peering up and out from behind his desk before cutting to more XFL 2001 footage as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
But there were more lessons learned because the Arena attendance numbers for the XFL depending on where you hear it from was doing well for itself. But the problem lied in the fact that this was meant to be a Televised Program first and a sport second. Something the new XFL will hopefully avoid making it a sport first and a TV program second. Then of course Vince went down the Gimmicks route. Starting off with an attempt for a rivalry between Rusty Tillman and Jesse Ventura the Then Minnesotan  Governor which went nowhere because Rusty Tillman didn't want anything to do with it. Then came the most absolute cheapest ploy for ratings, Vince McMahon was going to have a cameraman inside the Cheerleaders Locker Room which went... well... just watch. ( Show fantasy clip of what happened inside the Cheerleaders locker room before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay Vince whatever Crazy pills you were on at the time please tell me you're no longer on them!

(Cut to XFL 2001 footage as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Then came the fact that the then titled World Wrestling Federation and XFL cross promotion in the early days of the XFL. We had Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who played in College Football with the Miami Hurricanes to open the show and vignettes with The Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin just to name a few people who should NOT have been promoting the XFL. What they should've done was have NFL legends who could've gone to training camps and advise rookies on what has to happen and give the upstart league a bit more credibility.But for whatever reason they decided against it. Hopefully they'll go that route this time. Then came a mission statement to "Evolve the sport while bringing Football back to it's roots." to para-quote Brian Zane from "Wrestling With Wreget" Okay, what roots back to the 1980's-90's era of Football where physicality was meant to be intense? The social paradigms that we had during the turbulent 1960's & 1970's? Or the Gentlemen violence at the start of the beginning of the sport until the 1950's? . The idea of bringing anything back to the way it was has not and will NEVER work because everything moves forward.The XFL should've been an evolutionary step forward for the NFL as to how to perform on TV not an attempt to take it back to a day it can never return to because it says that The XFL is out of touch and behind the times. If anyone thought that what that what Colin Kapernick got old timers upset well think again. There were legends in the sport that felt that young upstart Joe Namath was killing the sport. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:

This is why Vince's competitors in the Pro Wrestling business have failed. Why Herb Abrams UWF failed. Why the AWF went under. Why so many indie companies that Vince McMahon ran out of business and the XFL 2001 season failed because it tried to take something back to a point it can never go back to. So heed my words if anyone says they're out to bring something back to it's roots, RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM IT BECAUSE THEY WILL BURN THEMSELVES TO THE GROUND AND POSSIBLY TAKE YOU DOWN WITH THEM. Now back to whatever it is I was talking about.

(Cut to XFL 2001 footage as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

 By the "Million Dollar Championship" came out Ebersol and NBC were out of the XFL but Vince said there'd be a second season that is until UPN poached Buffy from WB and UPN expected Vince to foot the bill by cutting Smackdown by a half an hour or ending the XFL. Vince took the route all successful businessmen took. He put his money into the venture that was making the money and not costing him badly. With some of the lowest ratings to ever hit TV the XFL ended on a Pfft. But maybe that was part of McMahon's plans. See the reaction to the product as it was and see where it can go. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
As a matter of fact, I am going to go out on a line and say that the XFL 2001 season was in fact, the stress test season.

(Cut to a "Bar Rescue" episode in the middle of a Stress Test as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
A "Stress Test" is something businesses and companies do to see if everything can do well under pressure. If they succeed they will get a lot of people interested in what will happen and every employee will succeed when the kimchi hits the fan. It just surprised me that it took Vince this long to react and then try the XFL again. But this did help an alternative sports league get credibility. (Cut to clips of Arena Football League gameplay as James continues as His Voiceover) The Arena Football League got more recognition and more mainstream viewership. (Cut to NFL & other sports as James does a voiceover) And then came the fact that sports are now being filmed in the same way the XFL filmed and they've been putting mics on coaches and players as well as interviewing in mid-game so Vince may have changed how professional sports are done and some of the XFL players like Rod "He Hate Me" Smart and Tommy Maddox went on to win Super Bowls as well as The CFL Grey Cup.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
But after nearly two decades since the inception of the original XFL does it deserve all the ridicule it deserved? Not really.

(Cut to XFL 2001 footage as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Okay it was horribly produced, put together on the fly and cost Vince McMahon and Dick Ebersol money and credibility but watching the game play itself and how the player performance on-field was amazing and hopefully Vince learned enough to make sure what happened the first time with the XFL won't happen again when the new iteration of the XFL begins. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I mean Vince has done worse. (Cut to clips of "The Three Stooges" on Monday Night Raw, John Laurinitis running both Raw and Smackdown into the ground, The first brand split, all the times John Cena got over and newer talent was buried unnecessarily, The Invasion storyline, All of the WWE Reality shows and finally The Montreal Screwjob before cutting back to James) Yeah Vince, I never forgot and neither has the fans. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

Have you Cena "Marine" lately?

(Scene begins with an overhead shot of the Catskills and the “Xena” theme song plays in the foreground before cutting to a clip of the n.W.o 2002 WWE run as an announcer played by DukeCT says “In a time of returning ancient tribes.”, Brock Lesnar brutalizing everyone as an announcer played by DukeCT says “Monsters” and Triple H holding both the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship as an announcer played by DukeCT says “And men who would be kings!” and the WWE brand splitting for the first time as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A company divided cries out for a hero” as more matches play scenes of two different men getting prepared one with a pair of Jean Shorts the other a pair of contractor jeans. The First man preparing a colored shirt, the other putting on an American Flag shirt before cutting to the first man entering a ring who just so happens to be John Cena before cutting to an image of John Cena as he holds a championship and the words “Cena: Warrior Actor” an announcer played by DukeCT says, “He was Cena!” before cutting to a clip of John Cena running at full steam as an announcer played by DukeCT says “A mighty warrior forged in the challenge of competition!” before seeing John hit an AA on Edge and The Big Show before cutting to James Faraci as it cuts to James Faraci getting to his seat as the credit reads “Starring James Faraci The Last Of The Americans” before cutting to a clip of John Cena hits Edge with an AA at Unforgiven as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The intensity” before cutting to an image of Paulo & Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun & Nick Yaun, John & Mike Santos, Ed Champion & Andrew Beach, Eric Kurtzke, Olivia Horvath and Renee Miller as they see their names before cutting to James on the horseshoe couch as he plays a movie before cutting to John Cena’s Acting Repertoire as an announcer played by DukeCT says “The Actor” as more clips of John Cena’s Acting Repertoire before cutting to John Cena as he takes a butt bong of beer before cutting to James gets ready for another review as an announcer played by DukeCT says “His Reviews will change the internet forever!” before cutting to a blurred black and white image of John Cena holding the WWE Championship and the words “The Last Of The Americans” shimmer in before fading to James at his desk)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. John Felix Anthony Cena Jr, otherwise known on the internet as… (Cut to the JOHN CENA sign before hearing his “You Can’t See Me” theme as it blares before cutting to clips of John Cena’s achievements as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Yes! I know he’s very well respected in the world of Professional Wrestling especially when it comes to his time in the WWE. He’s won multiple titles, earned the respect of so many legends and newcomers and has solidly cemented his reputation. But even though he has some history of burying a lot of talent but when you look at his IMDB he’s been doing some acting as of late and has gotten a little cred in the acting world you have to wonder if he’s getting buried in schlock. Do I think he’ll earn any award for acting? Not really but he may just have enough of a career not to be forgotten. (Cut to Paulo and Brenda Fonseca at James’ door)

Paulo Fonseca:
James, you’ve got a problem!

Brenda Fonseca:
It’s Renee and John (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
If they’re not feeling well, I can get someone to help. (Cut to James, Mike Santos, Ed Champion, Andrew Beach, Brenda and Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun and Olivia Horvath)

TLOTA:
You’ve got to be kidding me! (Cut to John and Renee on the couch with signs saying, “Down with The Last Of The Americans” and “Cena Rocks, Faraci Sucks”)

John Ross Santos:
Nope! We’re protesting this three-month attack on John Cena!

Renee Miller:
If you try to even get through at least ONE review, you’ll regret it James! (Cut to James, Mike Santos, Ed Champion, Andrew Beach, Brenda and Paulo Fonseca, Rebecca and Nick Yaun and Olivia Horvath)

TLOTA:
I’m already regretting it especially since I already know with which movie I’m beginning with! (Cut to the opening credit from the trailer of “The Marine” before cutting to clips of “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“The Marine” is not only John Cena’s first leading acting role, not only the first movie produced by WWE’s Movie production company, it is also the first movie that somehow tries to parody Michael Bay’s style of movies. But does it make me wish I was watching a Michael Bay Movie? (Cut to James physically in his office)

TLOTA:
And knowing I just said Michael Bay so many times I’m surprised he hasn’t arrived! (Cut to James and the others looking in shock as they see Michael Bay played by Steve Kidd hogtied by Renee Miller and John Santos)

John Santos:
You’re not using him for a gag now stop the review. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Too Late, this is “The Marine” (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie begins in the middle of an extraction mission in Iraq where our hero John Triton played by Cena sees his fellow marines held hostage by terrorists. Knowing that his fellow marines have about as much time as a Hot Pocket being done. Triton decides to go in and take down those oppressive terrorist bastards! (Show clip of John Triton taking out terrorists with a clip in the Middle of it where Angry Joe shouts “It’s no use the Bullets are just going through the holes!” before cutting back to the movie and James’ voiceover) After that bit of heroism, John Triton is being discharged for saving his fellow marines that’s gratitude for ya. (Show clip of John Triton being discharged before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
So even though he disobeyed an order, he saved his fellow marines and is discharged for it. Okay movie, I am now legally within my right to do THIS! (Cut to James as he stands up with the rest of Team TLOTA that’s willing to work as a Piano play in the background)

TLOTA and Team TLOTA (Singing):
WE IS A GOVERNMENT!  WE IS A GOVERNMENT! WE FILLED WITH TUPID SJERKS! WE IS A GOVERNMENT! WE IS A GOVERNMENT! WE IS A REASON NO TING WORKS! (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
John Triton comes home to his smoking hot wife Kate played by Kelly Carlson where they proceed to have a long session of the Humpty Hump. Because trust me if I was overseas for a long time and had all that personal emotion building up for a long time, I’d be having the same type of romantic escapades which in this movie rivals “The Room” sans Naval Banging! Meanwhile a bank robber played by the T-1000 himself Robert Patrick decides to heist some diamonds and WHOA! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, seeing as how there will be a fair share of explosions, let’s go through them and see how far up the Michael Bay Scale they go! (Cut to scenes of explosions from “The Marine” as we see a pic of Michael Bay’s ugly mug going upwards before the last explosion of the movie as John Triton tries to revive his wife while an explosion goes off in the background has Bay’s head zoom up before cutting to James as Bay’s head explodes and destroys James’ desk)

TLOTA:
Okay, if this running gag happens to me throughout the rest of the year, I might as well not have a desk!

(Cut to “The Marine” as Rome hams it up saying how he loves “South Carolina” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
You’re in South Carolina?! Well there is plenty of ham that you can chow down on while you act there Rome! So, after that bit of crazy we see a detective is on the case to stop Rome before chomping down on more scenery and get the diamonds. Meanwhile John Triton is having a very hard first day as a guard of a very business tower especially when a loud-mouthed Jack-ass work shames his ex-girlfriend and is escorted out though admittedly that asshole had it coming but Triton is fired immediately for dealing with him and if Shaymalan is correct he and four other assholes will be stuck in a elevator with the Devil and killed for their sins. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Speaking of people doing stupid things unnecessarily, I’ve got to check up on something quick. (Cut to John and Renee on the couch now joined by Wrestling With Wregret’s Brian Zane before cutting to James)

TLOTA:
Brian, what are you doing here? (Cut to John and Renee on the couch now joined by Wrestling With Wregret’s Brian Zane)

Brian Zane:
Well, when I heard you were reviewing “The Marine” my initial reaction was to wish you luck. But seeing as how Renee and John here on strike because you plan on doing three months of reviews on John Cena let me do the following. (Brian Zane hocks up a spitball and spits it in James’ face.)

TLOTA:
This review may kill me! (Fade to black before cutting to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cut back to the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera pulls back to see James and everyone else on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Realizing he went into the civilian world of employment too quickly Triton and his wife decide to take a vacation. Meanwhile Rome and his girl after discussing How the trigger-happy goon known as Morgan went over the line and of course do the Humpty Hump. We see Morgan looking for a clean ride after realizing their car was marked. What happens next is a bad joke and a fourth wall break that makes Deadpool angry with insanity. (Show clip of Morgan looking at the ride he is given and gets upset over it before looking at the better ride and then looking at the audience before a shot is heard and a pair of cartoonish eyes look at the hole before Morgan drops dead and Deadpool played by Cambell Dodson walks up and kicks Morgan while he’s down)

Deadpool:
BAD MORGAN! BAD MORGAN! YOU UNFUNNY ROCK CANDY HATING PILE OF CRAP! And as for you James, I’m joining the protest! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Man, even my own gags are against me now! (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As if by cinematic coincidence, Triton and his wife are on their way towards a vacation and gas up their ride at the SAME GAS STATION ROME AND HIS GOONS ARE GASSING UP THEIR RIDE! A cop drives in and chats with Rome about the car. However, Morgan being paranoid kills the cop leading Rome to wound the other cop, take Triton’s ride, kidnap Kate and Blow up the Gas Station leaving behind only the fresh scent of pine and one pissed off John Triton. (Show clip of John Triton as he describes what happened before cutting to a group of State Troopers played by a dwindling number of James’ team mates and James dressed as Sam Gerard in “The Fugitive” and “U.S. Marshals”)

Sam Gerard:
Alright, listen up, ladies and gentlemen, our fugitive has been on the run for more than 24 hours. Average speed on highways in a vehicle is 65 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of 125 miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up every five miles. Your fugitive's name is Rome! Go get him. (Show clip of John Triton chasing down Rome and his fugitives as one of them mention “The Terminator” before cutting to James as color palate is different)

TLOTA (Distorted Audio):
Damn it movie, your reference made the universe divide by itself! GOOD ONE! (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As both rides are taken out Rome, his crew and Kate hoof it through the swamp meanwhile the detective from earlier and Triton meet up. The Detective tells Triton to back off but when it’s Kelly Carlson well let’s say I’ve seen men walk on their ass backwards through hot coals over a lava pit just to say hi to her. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do! Anyway, Triton having skills as a Marine says he’s gonna track them down and bring them back dead or alive but knowing him they are all worm chow when he gets his hands onto them. Meanwhile everyone knowing that Morgan whose missing a few screws thinks they’re ganging up on him because of his race when the reality is Morgan needs serious therapy wraparound jacket and all! (Cut to Morgan as he makes insane claims before cutting to the MST3K episode “The Mole People” as Joel, Tom Servo and Crow shout “SHUT UP!” at the screen before returning to the movie as James continues his voiceover) As one of the goons is killed by Rome for Gator Chow, Triton finds the dagger left by the dead goon as a sign to know he’s on their trail. Meanwhile Rome and the others make it to a nice little out of the way shack where we get Morgan’s backstory as to why he’s Nicolas Cage levels of Cuckoo. (Show clip of Morgan telling his backstory as he says he was raped, sodomized and molested by a camp counselor before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay between this jack ass (James’ right hand points to an image of the Work Shaming Jack Ass from earlier) and this poor schmuck (James’ Left hand pointing at an image of Morgan from earlier looking at the audience) THIS IS FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM BEING A COMEDIC EPISODE OF “LAW AND ORDER: SVU”! The only things missing? Mariska Hargitay, Ice-T, the rest of the “SVU” cast and crew and of course THE HUMOR!  (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While Triton continues his hunt, we get… Well this happens. (Show clip of John Triton being held down by a pair of rednecks as if they plan to do something horrible to John Triton in a drug lab before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
UHHHHHH! (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
THANKFULLY Triton gets out of his situation and resumes his hunt which leads him to the same nice little out of the way shack Rome and his crew as he kills Morgan and the other goon before The Detective meets up with Triton as it’s revealed he was in on the Jewel Heist from earlier! WAIT WHAT?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay if he was in on the heist why didn’t he set up better protection for Rome and his crew, first. Secondly, shouldn’t the detective have traveled with Triton to cover his tracks? Third and finally, how come he didn’t give Rome and his goons alibis just in case something like this happens? (Cut to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Oh well no time for answers as Rome’s girl and Kate have themselves a catfight! (Show clip of Kate and Rome’s girl fighting as Joey Styles shouts “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!” before resuming the movie as James continues his voiceover) After the Detective is taken down Triton continues his hunt as the Shack goes kablammo. As Rome needs to ditch the ride, they commandeer a truck which should’ve led to this… (Cut to James dressed as a trucker as the C.B voiced by Nick Yaun says “Breaker, Breaker Ol Red got his ride hijacked heading south.”)

The Trucker:
Breaker, Breaker this here’s the Shepherd’s son we’re gonna need a convoy to end this sumbitch before he takes another rig anybody got their ears on please reply and join me in taking him down. (Multiple voices say Roger that as James honks his horn before cutting back to “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Triton eventually catches up with Rome as he plays “Toss A Skank into a Bus”. Pissed about losing the girl and the diamonds Rome goes into full on out killer mode to knock Triton off the rig just as it hits the water leaving Kate to die. After Triton is pounded into hamburger by Rome. Triton has enough and drops a flaming hangar on the guy. Triton grabs his wife and revives her. Thank you for ending it… (Cut to a fully crispy Rome trying to kill Triton once again before cutting to James physically shouting, “DAMN IT KILL HIM ALREADY!” before cutting to Triton finally killing Rome and Triton and Kate joke about going to the beach)

TLOTA (Voiceover)
And with that the movie ends with Triton and Kate living happily ever after and this franchise being a WWE Straight To DVD Goldmine for Mike Mizanin after a misstep with Ted Dibiase Jr. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “The Marine” aaaand after sitting though it I can say that it’s okay at best. (Cut to clips of “The Marine” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All things considered, it’s not a bad movie but after watching it after forgetting for a while and then seeing it again, it didn’t leave an impact on me. But Robert Patrick, John Cena and the cast does a good job but some of the characters don’t have much as a personality. The story and the plot feel like it was done on the fly, the action was engaging, the comedy just doesn’t work, but for all its problems, I found it so enjoyable that it’s worth a watch at the very least. Check it out and see if this will make you feel the pride knowing Cena made Marines more bad ass then they already are. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since I have two more months, I’m just gonna look outside and see if it’s safe for me to stay here now. (James walks over before cutting to waves of People outside James’ Studio chanting “MORE CENA REVIEWS! NO PEACE!” before cutting to James closing the blinds to his windows.) I’m just gonna work elsewhere for now. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and… (An explosion rocks the scene as James reacts accordingly) I’M OUTTA HERE! (James runs off screen as the sound of James’ time and space device activates off screen before cutting to black)