Monday, March 13, 2017

Reality Checkout: "WWE Total Diva" Eva Marie!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of Reality Checkout! (Cut to Video Purchasing Store checkout counter in which John Santos is a brainless idiot purchasing Reality TV series while James is the clerk who looks at the guy as if he were an idiot and slowly gets angry and does him a favor by buying him a copy of all the seasons of the restarted "Doctor Who" series as he takes the Reality TV series and places them in Port-a-Potty along with a lit stick of Dynamite and then James runs like hell as an image of Kim Kardashian is seen covered in fecal matter and the only clean part is the words "Reality Checkout" while the theme from "Welcome Freshmen" plays in the background before cutting back to James.)

TLOTA: Believe it or not, I was once a wrestling fan but then came bad choices left and right like when WWE bought out WCW, then came the first attempt at the brand split between Raw & Smackdown! The straw that broke my back as a WWE fan was giving John Laurinitis control of both shows and after that came me being a fan of TNA or as they're calling themselves now Impact Wrestling. The less said about that company and Dixie Carter's ability to run the company the better because they forced me into being a retired Pro Wrestling Fan. I'll watch if there's nothing else except for Lucha Underground or WCPW they seem to be giving me effort in their promotions though I will check out the occasional WWE Royal Rumble and or WrestleMania but the only reason I don't watch is for one red headed reason! (Cut to an image of Becky Lynch and James shouts "NO! Rowdy likes her and I'm okay with her!" before cutting to James physically) I'm talking about a red headed headache that (Audio of Eva Marie's intro plays as James rubs his head to try to alleviate his headache.) GOD TAKE ME NOW! (Cut to clips of Eva Marie in the WWE as James Faraci does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): I am of course talking about the talentless wonder who never paid her dues in the indie promotions who can't even do a botch right. I am talking about everything all red including WWE seeing as how much money they lost in trying to promote her as a wrestler or Sports Entertainer Eva Marie! Now I'm sure in real life she's a decent person and hard working but HO BOY I dare my friend Chris Lee Moore to poll 10 fans of the Women's division of WWE and if he was to ask them to say who they think is the most talentless and incapable wrestler in either brand and I guarantee that Eva Marie will land in the somewhere in the top ten on those fan's lists. But why is that? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: Well we have our old double decker pain in the boob tube for that Reality TV And The E! Network home of the Nemesis to good taste The Kardashians! (Cut to the opening of "Total Divas" before cutting to clips of "Total Divas" featuring Eva Marie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): "Total Divas" is a behind the scenes look of lives of the wrestlers of Women's division of The WWE but to give it a little pop of extra interest they had for the first season two newbies. One was a girl named Jojo, She went nowhere in the WWE and the other who became a breakout star because of this show is Eva Marie! And believe it or not as I did research on her, she had not one hour, not one SECOND of indie league wrestling matches in order to build her credibility, So why did they hire her? Because she looked like she came off the cover of one of those men magazines that you need to wrap in colored plastic that only shows the title of the magazine and nothing else. I wish it was a friggin' joke. This is actually one of her earliest on-air appearances (Show clip in which Eva Marie in 12 Corazones as she basically does a strip tease before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: That's right! Eva Marie was on a Spanish Dating Show in which she did more to make men like her there than in anything she ever did in WWE. Also notice something about her hair color? (Cut to the clip again as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): The one who is EVERYTHING ALL RED IS A RAVEN HAIRED WOMAN who even if men in and out of the ring wanted her they can't have her! She has been legally married since 2014!(Cut to clips of other WWE & other female wrestlers fighting as James continues of his voiceover) And for those wondering no, I do not dislike all female wrestlers! One of my favorites shattered the Glass Ceiling last year as Lucha Underground Luchadora Sexy Star WON the Lucha Underground Championship. Trish Stratus remains one of the most beautiful wrestlers I've ever seen and she went from Pin-Up to one of the most decorated WWE Women's Champions of all time. Lita was one of the most insane fighters in the ring but when her personal problems with being in a relationship was more than enough to drive the fans against her and how it led to her having a breakdown and retiring from Wrestling and the WWE, I was amazed she lasted a year as a inactive personality in WWE, then we have A.J. Lee who chose her husband C.M. Punk over her career! That is an amazing female wrestler with conviction to stand for her rights and be with her husband than with the company that fired said husband on their wedding day! THEIR FREAKING WEDDING DAY! But I don't hold the McMahons responsible for that. I do hold Vinnie Mac for hiring Eva Marie. However it seems even the WWE don't know what to do with her. Especially on the series that put her into prominence. While her Suspension eventually ended I think this maybe a case where she realizes she will never be the professional wrestler she thinks she's gonna be. Trust me, if she ever gets in the WWE Hall Of Fame in about 20 years or so, it'll take a miracle because she is no wrestler, she's no Lita, She's no Trish Stratus, HELL Chyna did more in her career in the WWE than Eva Marie would ever do. For all I know, she'll be in a Marriage Counseling reality show just to regain some of glory of WWE Total Divas days! (Cut to James Faraci Physically)

TLOTA: And if this doesn't prove that Eva Marie is only famous because she's on Reality TV then guess what, nothing will. But if she wants to be only known for her reality show success then I suggest you keep doing what you're doing now. If she wants to prove me wrong then I suggest she do something about it like say work on her wrestling moves or work more indie promotions and earn her way back into WWE and their fandom's good graces and do the one other thing in order for her advance as a professional wrestler and Check out of Reality TV! (Cut to Eva Marie's intro with announcement and James adding "Who must check out of Reality TV in order to prove she's really a wrestler and not a flash in the pan" before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA: Now if you'll excuse me 2017 is going to find me going through a lot, I hope I survive. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion!