Friday, February 10, 2017

Bad Romance: Valentine's Day Survival Guide

(An eye is looking around trying to discover what is going on until an audible scream is heard. Before cutting to Team TLOTA as Olivia Horvath brandishes a Minigun, Paulo Fonseca has twin gold plated desert eagles, Rebecca Yaun has 50 Sai Daggers, Nick Yaun has a Recurve Bow and a quiver full of weaponized arrows, Eric Kurtzke has a Katana, John Santos has a Semi Auto 30-06 Rifle, Mike Santos has axes of all size, Renee Miller has a sword, Eliza Dushku is brandishing ten Kunai & Traci Hines has a Semi-Auto 12 Gauge Shotgun with deer slugs before cutting to see “Cupid” played by Ed Champion strapped to a wall screaming before cutting to see everyone walking in slow motion either firing or throwing their weapons forwards in a straight line towards “Cupid” as the scene cuts to see “Cupid” Screaming as they either do very little damage or miss entirely before Olivia, Paulo, Rebecca, Eric & John move to their right and Mike, Renee, Eliza & Traci to their left as James Faraci The Last Of The Americans is seen in the center as he is brandishing a Rocket Launcher before cutting to “Cupid” with a look on his face that screams “DIAPERS TO BE DARKENED” before cutting to James firing the Rocket Launcher and the Rocket locks onto “Cupid” before cutting to everyone turning their back as the explosion engulfs the back wall and everyone has a look on their face that shows they’re not a happy bunch and the words “Bad Romance” is Stamped in Steel as 4:11-4:54 of Bad Romance plays in the background throughout the entire intro before cutting to James in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and The views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well by the time this is posted it'll be sometime before Valentine's Day and it'll be AFTER that by the time the preview is going to be on But this is for single people like me to get through the nightmare of February 14th. These are the movies and specials that I watch to get me through possibly the worst day to be single. Now before I get even MORE hate e-mail than I did with my Fifty Shades Of Grey Editorial, I want to state that YES there are Romantic movies in this but that maybe just be I'm a few shy a full load and I AM GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO THE LEAST AMOUNT I CAN MUSTER. With that said, let's start with something romantic but ends on a semi-realistic note. As much as a semi-realistic note can be when you decide to get into a relationship with The Dark Knight! (Cut to opening of "Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm" as the score by Shirley Walker plays in the background as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): For me, this is a movie I watch every Valentine's Day as a reminder of what it's like for a romance with Batman is like and in the middle of that is a series of Gangland murders perpetrated by a Batman look-alike known as The Phantasm and The Joker is thrown into the mix and I think I'll stop here before I reveal too much because there is so much and if I continue to go forward I will spoil everything about the movie. But I will say that there is a reason why this movie has become one of those great movies that had become a great movie over time. Hell Siskel & Ebert regret missing this movie in the theaters when they reviewed it. All I can say that everyone and their parents on this movie on the Internet know about how friggin' amazing this movie is and how it can affect the emotions of those poor heart broken people who are as alone as Batman is. But speaking of movies that affect people with broken hearts. (Cut to the title card of "Love Story" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah this is corny and a lot of it has NOT aged well and the dialogue is well... (Cut to the "Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry" moments from both Jenny and Oliver) Yeah not exactly the best line in the history of cinema! But to me there is something enjoyable to it! Listening to the soundtrack is definitely one of the better things to come from the movie and it's obvious the late Arthur Hiller was inspired with some of his shots by The Graduate but I won't hold it against the guy! Now obviously I recommend seeing this movie at least once if only for just the charm of how this movie has become the basis for so many of the Hallmark & Lifetime Made For TV Clich├ęs for their romantic dramedies! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But I think I may have gotten a lot of my cynical attitude towards this holiday thanks to Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang for that! (Cut to title card of "Be My Valentine Charlie Brown" before cutting to clips from the special as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Be My Valentine Charlie Brown still to me remains one of the better Charlie Brown specials save for the Linus falling for Miss Othmar stuff, That's just Squicky! Though when Linus just goes off knowing he wasted so much time going after an impossibility and how he just decides to get angry and rid himself of his Squick was very cathartic for me. Though if I were Charlie Brown I'd be sending Snoopy to the Vets to take care of Snoopy because Chocolate + Dogs= NOTHING GOOD HAPPENING TO SNOOPY! But I also can relate to Charlie Brown and his never ending quest to be given just a little recognition even if it's a reused Valentine. I strongly recommend you check this out and give the others on the DVD a look, but definitely not... (Cut to the Opening credit scene of "It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown" is shown as Dramatic music is heard before cutting to James grabbing a bottle of Liquid I.Q. downing it in one gulp and sighing)

TLOTA: But let me try to balance the cynicism with something semi-positive. (Cut to opening credit of "X-Men" 1990's animated series as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (Voiceover): To me The Phoenix Saga & The Dark Phoenix Saga was about as great as the 1990's X-Men Animated series could be up to that point. In the comics this was the moment the romance between Jean Grey & Cyclops ended with Jean sacrificing herself and dying to keep The Phoenix and the Shi'ar empire from destroying everything. But they expanded on the source material and stayed as true as it could for an Children's Animated series based on a Comic Book series could be. I mean yeah they had to make the changes at the end of the Dark Phoenix Saga so even though it was gut wrenching it didn't end with death but DAMN did The Phoenix Saga end with the right amount of heartbreak. Cyclops and Wolverine were wrecked by the end of the Phoenix Saga and by the time I was done watching both I needed to lose myself for a while.(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: But is there anything that is schmaltzy but also entertainingly good? Well I can think of at least a few good choices. (Cut to opening credit of "The Princess Bride" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): What can be said that time hasn't. Rob Reiner made possibly one of the greatest Sword & Sorcery Romantic comedies of all time. With talent like Robin Wright, Cary Elwes, Peter Falk,  Mandy Patinkin, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, Wallace Shawn, Andre The Giant!?! (Show clip of Fezzik shouting "Everybody MOVE!" and the crowd parts like the Red Sea) dare I say anymore? Everyone loves this movie for all the right reasons. The music was incredible! Every line of Dialogue is incredible! Everything had fallen place when they made this movie and for it to fail would've been... What's the word I'm looking for? (Cut to Vizzini shouting "Inconceivable!") Thanks Vizzini. I say check this movie out just for the fun of it! (Cut to clip of Fezzik saying "Anyone want a Peanut?" before cutting to James physically.)

TLOTA: But what if you really want something just as good or even better then may I suggest this classic (Cut to opening credit of "The Great Muppet Caper" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover): Yeah! One of the first movie romances was that of Kermit & Miss Piggy. Was I upset that the two ended their personal relationship in 2015? Upset is an understatement between Clara dying in "Doctor Who" and The two of them breaking up I WAS A WRECK BY THE END OF 2015! But this was the first sample of love between a male and female outside of my family and this is remains one of the greatest movies I've ever seen because not only of the romance between Kermit and Miss Piggy but it's the first time Kermit had a rival in Charles Grodin's Nicky Holiday and Kermit was willing to go so far as to catch those thieves himself red handed (Cut to the clip of Beauregard saying "What Color are their hands now?")  Funny Beauregard! But there's a reason I will watch this movie over so much garbage that claim to be some of the best Romantic Comedies ever made. But to me that title belongs to the final film in this guide

(Cut to opening credit of "Splash" before cutting to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):Yes everyone, I actually find myself enjoying this movie every February 14th. I actually put this one on and I truly enjoy what this classic because it give a guy like me a glimmer of hope. If you haven't seen this, you don't know what you're missing. We've got themes of love, fate vs circumstance, fighting for what your right to get what you want and or deserve, there is a lot behind this. If you haven't seen this or anything in this little guide of mine, then I HIGHLY, HIGHLY Suggest you check them out. May they give you a glimmer of hope in what may appear to be not only a time of year where hope is in limited supply but for many of you where you believe it might be a year where you feel like your hope has been taken away from you but we've all got to hang in there, who knows what this year will bring us.

(Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: And you know what, if all else fails... (Cut to James grabbing a case of Martinelli's) Have a few on me and seeing as how by the time this is posted I'm a few bottles in, I might as well join my future self. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... You know the rest!