Monday, April 28, 2014

A whole lot of rotten "Fish"

(Scene of a man seen from the backside walking into a hotel as the angle changes to a first person perspective the concierge walks into frame)

Concierge: Welcome and Ah! It is you, unfortunately your room is not ready yet. However an associate of yours has allowed themselves open to give you access to their quarters until your room is ready Mr…? (Camera swoops to see the man is in fact Mathew “Film Brain” Buck)

Film Brain: Buck, Mathew Buck and whom will I be spending my day with?

(A Hand pulling a card designed by Stevie Swigart with the statistics of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans while putting it into the Megaforce Morpher from the 0:00-0:03 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run. 0:04 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows James Faraci morphing into James Faraci The Last Of The Americans with his Black Tee-Shirt with the American flag on it, Blue Jeans and Tan Work boots until 0:07 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run as scene cuts to James stocking up on his arsenal from the Classic Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Morpher, a bandoleer stocked up with Sonic Screwdrivers, Ammunition for a 303 British Rifle and said rifle, The Ring Of Aeon, The Gem From the Gauntlet Malachite’s Hand, Emmalina’s amulet and the Sword Of Caliverti from 0:08-0:15 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators. 0:15-0:29 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run shows James taking on all of popular culture until 0:30 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators shows when James pulls out a sonic screwdriver then cuts over to a slab of titanium where lasers cut out “The Last Of The Americans” until 0:36 mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run when James lands on top of the slab while doing a heroic pose on a black background the 0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it.)

(Scene changes to the room as Matthew opens the door)

Film Brain: OH GOD NO! NOT YOU! (Scene cuts to James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans on the bed.)

TLOTA:  You were expecting The Nostalgia Critic? (Mathew Buck walks towards James and sits next to him on the bed.)

Film Brain: No but I am wondering why you’re here since the last time you & I were in the same room Lea Michele threatened to tie my privates into a square knot.

TLOTA: Two reasons 1) there’s a concert with Lea and I am a guest and 2) tomorrow there’s a panel I am a part of at the convention but in the interim I can work on a review of a movie I talked about from my first run on myspace. Oddly something from your side of the pond.

Film Brain: My side of the pond? Well, how come I’ve never heard of it?

TLOTA: Well that’s because it’s by far the WORST movie I’ve ever seen!

Film Brain: That bad?

TLOTA: That bad! But before you & I talk about it. We watch it. (Scene cuts to James and Mathew looking at the screen then cuts to black background and in white text “One viewing later” then back to Mathew with his jaw scrapping the floor and James lying down.)

Film Brain: My god! This makes every single Adam Sandler “Happy Madison” movie look like freaking “Casablanca”. How could something this horrid miss my radar completely? This was from my side of the pond and I didn’t know this?! I think I’m done! Just….Just….Just stick a fork into me, I’m done!

Lea Michele (Audio only): You got that right! (Mathew Buck turns and looks sees James catatonic and then Mathew turns and camera cuts to Lea Michele has a weapon in her hand.)

Lea Michele: I warned you. Ever hurt him, you pay. Now, get ready to die! (Camera cuts to Mathew with an “OH SHIT!” look on his face as the two run with “Yakety Sax” playing in the background for about One minute and fifty seven seconds before Mathew stops and turns to Lea.)

Film Brain: HALT! It looks like I did wrong to him but I didn’t. He was working on a review of a movie from my side of the pond he had heard, it was so horrendous however it left him in a catatonic state, thankfully I can revive him if he packed a bottle of Liquid I.Q. in his overnight. (Mathew grabs James’ overnight package and the two discover what’s in there. A fish tail made by Eric Ducharme.) I don’t think this is James’ overnight.

Trina Mason (Audio only): Thanks for the news report. (Lea & Mathew turn and see internet persona Trina Mason and she walks up to the two.)

Trina Mason: Sorry, allow me to introduce myself, Trina Mason and I know who you are I’ve seen “GLEE” and who’s the guy holding my tail. (Cut to Mathew holding then tossing Trina’s tail onto the bed.)

Film Brain: The name is Buck, Mathew Buck and… (Mathew notices an empty bottle of Liquid IQ in Trina Mason’s right hand) Tell me you didn’t drink the whole thing?

Trina Mason: It tasted funny, but when I read this. (Shows the two of them a theorem on the logistics of time travel.) I could understand it as if it were as simple to read as “Dr. Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat." Is that weird?

Lea Michele: Not really. (Grabs Mathew by the neck of his shirt and turns him around.) Listen you brit twit you find a way to get James back to normal with an hour to spare so he can see me backstage.

Film Brain: What do you want me to do?

Lea Michele: Whatever you have to and if he isn’t there, run because if I get you, I will have your head and your privates on my mantelpiece! (The two turn around) Look that belonged to my boyfriend and…

Trina Mason: I overheard and the chemical composition for the formula of Liquid IQ is easy to replicate so he should be back to normal before eight o’clock.

Lea Michele: Great. I’ll let you two get to work on getting James back to normal and if James isn’t back to normal. You have my permission to leave Mathew in my room and I’ll do the rest. (Lea walks out as Trina grabs Mathew by the shirt and scene cuts to James laying there catatonic)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): My god, this was the movie is the one that broke me. How can I review this? It is one of the worst movies ever made! Worse than a “Happy Madison” movie! Worse than “The Room”, “Food fight” & every single little Uwe Boll movie ever made! Alki David’s “Fish Tales” (“Ocean Lies” play over the title of the movie and screen clips while James’s inner monologue continues as a voice over) Just….just how can a movie be this bad? How can everything about this thing hurt so bad it’d leave me catatonic? How bad did this hurt? Well this thing debuted at the Cannes Film Festival, not in competition so we’re clear, and fifteen minutes in critics were leaving this crappy can of tuna en masse those who stayed throughout the viewing are now permanent residents at France’s finest “Maison de Cuckoo”. (Cut back to James laying there doing the inner monologue) But since I’m here and you’re hearing my inner thoughts about this train wreck let’s get through it! (Scene cuts to the movie and James’ inner monologue doing the voice over) So after the credits do nothing to set up the movie as a whole, this rotten fish starts off at Oxford University where we meet a Classicist, Professor Thomas Bradley played by “Back To The Future” trilogy “The Phantom” & “Titanic” star Billy Zane and his daughter Serena played by Amber Savva. Professor Bradley is working on researching ancient Greek love spells. The deans of the school Professors Ratcher, Whiner & Coulter have decided to give Professor Bradley the summer to finish his work. Professor Coulter giving Professor Bradley & Serena his place on the Island of Spetses. Just before they head out Professor Bradley’s students try to throw him off a bridge. However Serena stops them by shouting this.

Serena: HE CAN’T SWIM! (Scene cuts back to James laying there catatonic)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): I know child actors aren’t all Shirley Temple or anyone that successful but choose an accent and stick with it kid! (Scene cuts back to the movie)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): After that we see the two get to Spetses on the boat to the Island we meet Mavros who is obviously the villain and dumb as all get out and a bit of a perv & his son Dimitri and… (Show Professor Bradley preparing to toss his cookies then quickly cuts to the mermaid from apparently later on in the film then cuts to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Was the editor drunk when he edited this clunker? Why show a clip from later on in the film early in the film. It didn’t work for “Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows” and it doesn’t work here. (Scene cuts back to the movie)

Mavros: If you’re sick on my fish one more time, I kick your ass, okay? (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Wha? (Show clip of Mavros threatening to kick Dr. Bradley’s ass then back to James laying catatonic on the bed.) Did he say “ass” as in the rear end? If so then, I know what to do. (Show clip of Mavros threatening to kick Professor Bradley’s ass after threat film pauses and “A Family Picture” is seen while Doug Walker says it in an accent then back to the film as Mavros tosses Professor Bradley overboard while James’ inner monologue continues voice over.) So Mavros decides to toss Professor Bradley overboard and… (Show clip of the three left on the boat arguing, Serena’s bracelet falling off her wrist and the mermaid looking bored and obviously from later in the film while James’ inner monologue continues voice over.) AGAIN?! Jesus Did Alki David and the editor down barrels & barrels of Ouzo while editing this? Anyway the mermaid rescues Professor Bradley and everyone makes it to Spetses. There they meet Klymeni who take Professor Bradley & Serena to Professor Coulter’s summer home and (Show the three heading to the house and a sound of a fart and Klymeni saying it wasn’t her then the three reaching the house and another fart is heard and Klymeni admits it’s her. Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): I know The Blockbuster Buster decided not to use this anymore so I call dibs on it. (Show clip from Christopher Eccleston episode of “Doctor Who” in which someone farts and The Ninth doctor says “Excuse Me do you mind not farting while I’m saving the world?” then cut back to the movie and James’ inner monologue doing the voice over) So the three make it where it hasn’t been touched in decades and Klymeni nearly poisons the two by serving the two of them food that is about as old as Klymeni and… (Mule whinnying, a heavy thud and frothing noises are heard. Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): That’s right, you heard it. A mule dropped dead after eating the rancid food. Perfect family fare isn’t it! (Cut back to film and James’ inner monologue does the voice over) So as Serena cleans up the place after decades of dust. She finds a book which will act as the Deus Ex Machina for later. But enough setting up the weak ending for this piece of garbage. We see Serena explore the island and her dad making no headway on his research oh and by the way it’ll be like this until the end of this movie when he finally does that or anything in this piece of shit sushi at all!  But while all that happens Klymeni comes off creepy yet friendly as she warns Serena about a cove where Professor Coulter’s Daughter disappeared years ago. Meanwhile Dimitri decides to crush on Serena even though she’s fourteen and he’s seven and the fact the two have known each other for at least one day!

Dimitri: You are very nice woman!

Serena: Um, I’m not a woman and how old are you to be talking like that?

Dimitri: I’m old enough! Do you want to see the view from the lighthouse?

Serena: No!

Dimitri: Want to take a boat out?

Serena: Uh no!

Dimitri: Come over and watch The O.C.?

Serena: Uh No! I’ll see you later!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): Well, I will give Dimitri points for persistency but those points are taken away for the obscure pop culture reference. Meanwhile Dr. Bradley and Serena have a conversation from out of left field about meeting Gods.

Professor Bradley: Well the best time for a human to meet a god or goddess would be at noon. That’s when the sun is at its highest and there are no shadows, everything is shimmering, that’s when the divisions between man & beast break down but I don’t recommend it.

Serena: Why not?

Professor Bradley: You could be blinded or worse turned into a tree either way, an epiphany where you encounter a goddess or a god is pretty dangerous business.

Serena: What if you were to bring them an offering?

Professor Bradley: Well, I don’t think I recall encountering one literary reference where a goddess has ever turned down presents. They do like presents.

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): After that waste of time you’ll never get back, Serena goes into town to obtain a medallion for her wish to the gods & goddesses when....

(Show a Greek woman appearing out of nowhere)

Greek woman who sounds like a man: You’re the American staying at Old Professor Coulter’s house, yes? (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed and James’ eyes bugging out of his head then back to Greek woman who sounds like a man.) Want me to wrap it for a present?

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK! WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS, MARY, JOSPEH AND HIS TECHNO-FUCKING-COLOR DREAMCOAT IS THAT? DOES EVERY GREEK WOMAN SOUND LIKE THIS? NO WONDER WHEN YOU SEE AN AD FOR A GREEK VACATION YOU DON’T SEE A WOMAN IN THE AD! (Cut to Greek Background and Trina Mason dressed in Greek clothing in front of her and Greek music in the background.)

Trina Mason (With obvious dubbing by James doing a bad Greek Accent): Come to Spetses you have a great time. The Ouzo flows like water. We disco dance until the dawn or host catches fire! (Show clip from “Fish Tales” in which a bride is ignited by a misfiring firework and she falls into the water then back to Trina Mason being dubbed by James doing a bad Greek Accent) We have fun for kids as they ride boats and look for exotic sea creatures like a Gorgona! Call agent to make a two week vacation to Spetses! OPA! (Trina Mason does Greek dancing for thirty seconds then cut back to movie with James’ inner monologue doing the voice over)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): So after your sense of sanity becomes slightly lessened after that! Klymeni talks to Professor Bradley and boy does the conversation start off unholy!

Klymeni: Your daughter is very loose! (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Geez, lady I know you’re as ancient as the Professor’s research material but to say his daughter is easy to the guy’s face is disrespectful. (Cut back to movie.)

Klymeni: She runs around a lot by herself. (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Klymeni, you need to learn how to speak better English. If you tell a dad their daughter is “Loose” in a father's mind that translates as “Get daughter away from world & declare open hunting season on guys their daughter’s age!” If you meant to say she roams the Island alone then say that first before giving the guy a heart attack. (Cut back to movie with James’ inner monologue doing the voice over.)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): So Klymeni invites Professor Bradley and his daughter to a wedding that happens a few days. The party is goes off fine that is until…

Dimitri: Hello baby, I am Dimitri.

Serena: I know, I was speaking to your father.

Professor Bradley: Hello

Dimitri: May I dance with your daughter.

Serena: Hey, you could ask me of course.

Professor Bradley: Of course you can!

Serena: Well thanks a lot dad!

Dimitri: Let’s get it Jiggy!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): Come on, even my twin nieces and their little sister knows the phrase is “Gettin’ Jiggy wit’ it!” and they also know it’s lame and DATED! But I can’t complain the party ends with the bride being ignited so it’s nice to know someone else is in more pain than I am. (Show clip in which the bride is ignited by a misfiring firework and she falls into the water then back to rest of the movie with James’ inner monologue doing the voice over.)       

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): The next day Professor Bradley and Serena have a brief conversation about how Professor Bradley maybe in over his head and after that Serena heads down to a cove and discovers Nereid played by Kelly Brook and Professor Bradley is going NOWHERE with his research as Serena and Nereid have a conversation the film makers decided “Hey, who need to hear important dialogue, it’s stupid, let’s have the little girl narrate the conversation. That’s much smarter!” (Cut to James laying catatonic on the bed)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): What else can happen? (Cut to Mathew Buck holding a clothespin and a funnel & Trina Mason holding a vial as the two walk into the room.)

Film Brain: This HAS to work otherwise, I’m history!

Trina Mason: It will! Just place the clothespin over his nose and put the funnel in his mouth and pour the Liquid IQ in slowly. (Film Brain places clothespin over James’ nose and funnel in the mouth and slowly pours the Liquid IQ down James throat and camera pans over to James’ eyes as they widen and bug out of his head!)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): OH MY GOD, THEY HOMEBREWED IT & THEY DIDN'T TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT THE FORMULA IS CONCENTRATED! (Scene changes to the door to the pool and a loud scream is heard as James runs out the door with his hands around his throat and James dives into the pool then cuts to Trina Mason and Film Brain running after him and Trina dives in after James and grabs him and Film Brain pulls out James who is still catatonic.)

Film Brain: FUCK ME! He’s still out!

Trina Mason: I think that was a reflex action, it might take a while before it really gets his brain working!

Film Brain (Sarcastically): FANTASTIC!

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it act as the commercial break intro and return act to the review)

(Show Trina Mason on the bed next to James while Mathew walks back and forth with a pad of paper in one hand and a pen in his writing hand and talking out loud.)

Film Brain: “I Mathew Buck being of sound mind and soon to be slaughtered body do hear by proclaim this as my last will & testament. I bequeath my all my personal financials and belongings to my parents and should you decide to sell any of my belongings I request that a portion of the sales go to a Suicide prevention charity and The Joyful Heart Foundation.” (Trina gets up and confronts Mathew)

Trina Mason: Listen, you’re not dead yet.

Film Brain: No, But I will be around eleven o’clock tonight after Lea’s concert and I will be because James wanted to do a review with me.

Trina Mason: Yeah, I’ve been wondering what you and James do?

Film Brain: Oh nothing too sane. We’re internet reviewers. I host two series on the site called “Bad Movie Beatdown” & “Projector” and from the site I give you James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans.

Trina Mason: “The Last Of The Americans”? (Mathew nods yes) Excuse me for one moment. (Trina walks to the bathroom and begins to laugh uncontrollably for a while and Mathew sighs an Oy!)

Film Brain: I’m history. (Mathew sits next to James) You know…. (Mathew looks at James as he sees James’ face moving.) HEY TRINA IT'S WORKING! (Trina Mason walks out of the bathroom still a little giddy with laughter and sees James face moving.)

Trina Mason: Well, it appears to be that way.

Film Brain: Well we’ve got three hours I hope he’s ready by seven for the concert and if not I’m doomed!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): So while these two are stuck until either I wake up or Lea kills Mathew after the concert. (Cut to movie and James’ Inner Monologue does the voice over.) Professor Bradley does what anyone still sane & forced to watch this thing. He gets himself liquored up!

Professor Bradley (Drunk): May I have the Dean’s office please?

Dean Ratcher: Ratcher

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Ratcher, Ratcher this is Bindey er Bradley, Thomas I’m a Doctor I work for you!

Dean Ratcher: Really!

TLOTA (Inner Monologue voice over): Interesting fact Billy Zane was really that drunk when they filmed these scenes.

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Listen, It’s impossible! (Incoherent drunk mumbling) I’m not equipped, sir! This is not going to work unless there’s…I get an extension.

Dean Ratcher: No!

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Well you offer ‘em to all your top students. Why because they’re paying tuition?

Dean Ratcher: At least they are paying!

Professor Bradley (Drunk): All right so I’ll tell you what. Let me make it really easy for you okay? I am… I quit! Okay I resign!

Dean Ratcher: You resign? Well, I’m sure the board will take your very serious offer into consideration.

Professor Bradley (Drunk): Ooh! Big words for a little man in a great big town with a comb over! (Cut to Dean Ratcher in his office.)

Dean Ratcher (Dubbed inner monologue by James): At least he didn’t call me “Sugar tits” like the guy who usually sits on the right of me and the only time he doesn’t drink is when he sleeps and that’s for an hour!

(Scene changes where Serena is playing “Ocean Lies” on her MP3 Player then to James’ reacting face and his body laying still)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): What just happened? (Cut to scene where Serena is playing “Ocean Lies” on her MP3 Player then to James’ reacting face and his body laying still)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): That…makes…no…sense… AT ALL! (Cut to scene where Serena is playing “Ocean Lies” on her MP3 Player while James’ inner monologue does a voiceover.) Why would the soundtrack to the movie you’re in play the soundtrack to the movie you’re in on an MP3 Player? It makes about as much sense as the marching bands that play “Gonna Fly Now” in Rocky III & Rocky V! IT MAKES NO SENSE! But I digress, Serena now asks Nereid to save her father’s research during that conversation Dimitri discovers her as well and tells his father while he’s chubby chasing. (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) Yeah I’m going to be using this gag a lot! (Show clip of Mavros looking at big women then pauses as we see Mavros smiling. Scene pauses as “A Family Picture” is seen while Doug Walker says it in an accent. Then cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) So Dimitri is told by Mavros to go to Professor Bradley’s place to see what research he know of the mermaid but when he goes there. (Show clip of Billy Zane in his pajamas and his ass in the air! Then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) Yeah I think I’m the only one who thinks this guy went from Prison Bitch to Professor! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) That night after spending a day with them Dimitri learns Professor Bradley knows about the mermaid and the love spells as much as the writers know how to make a good screenplay. After a poop joke even Adam Sandler wouldn’t use in his “Happy Madison” movies and some sub-par Pink Panther esque humor Mavros takes Dimitri home. Meanwhile Professor Bradley decides to find the cove Serena found Nereid and he finds Nereid and gets fish slapped. (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) I can’t believe I said that, but I did. (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) Meanwhile Serena and Professor Bradley do something interesting actually something interesting! He tries to learn how to swim, which gives him a leg up on how Michael Bay shows the Navy in “Pearl Harbor”. (Show clip of Professor Bradley singing “The Tide Is High” while floating and Serena asking Nereid for help again while Atomic Kitten’s version of “The Tide Is High” plays. Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) Wait, I’ve heard the version of “The Tide is High” before, Where? (Show picture of poster of “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” with dramatic musical sting then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) So while that thought sinks in. Nereid gains legs at night because of lazy writing and decides to visit Professor Bradley while he’s pant less. She thinks his short comings are a joke to her and he handles it delicately.

Professor Bradley: YOU! BITCH!  (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still then replay the moment again then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.)

TLOTA (Inner Monologue): Oh yeah, threatening to kick someone’s ass, animals being killed for comedy, a poop joke and now sexual innuendos TOTALLY PERFECT FAMILY FARE, RIGHT?! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) So sometime later Nereid invites Serena to her cave. Why? So Serena can beg Nereid’s help again in the research and to even further set up the weak ending she eventually decides that night to go back for a night on the town with Professor Bradley & Serena so that the lamest hijinks in this movie can occur including Mavros trying to disguise himself as a waiter only to be his pervy self and cause the bride who ignited earlier in the film to be relit because we can’t get enough of cheap & bad gags that weren’t funny before and see them again & again ARGH! (Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still then replay the moment again then cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still.) HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS THING?! (Show picture of DVD cover and a doorbell is heard and the words “45 Minutes” Cut to James’ reacting face and his body laying still on the bed.)FINE, LETS SEE IF I CAN GET THROUGH THIS QUICKLY! (Cut back to movie with James’ Inner Monologue doing the voiceover.) Serena convinces the board of Deans at Oxford to give her dad a final chance despite Dean Ratcher’s objections. Professor Bradley and Nereid read one of the pieces of poetry and the two fall in love at warp speed. Mavros goes fucking Bat Shit Crazy. Professor Bradley finally discover the formulas of the Love spells thanks to simply rereading the phrase on the front of the book and it hitting him like lightning that with the work and the proper noun, verb & adjective syntax and the right person that love can happen OH DEEP FUCKING JOY. Mavros finds the cave Nereid is staying at. Nereid decides be with Professor Bradley and to use the tonic to become human. Professor Bradley finally learns how to swim then Professor Bradley, Nereid, Serena & Dimitri defeat Mavros. Professor Bradley is hailed as the next great Philosopher, takes a dive off a bridge (Show clip of Professor Bradley jumping off the bridge while audio of Matt Smith from his tenure as “Doctor Who” shouting “GERONIMO!” then a splash is heard then cut back to movie and James’ inner monologue doing the voice over.) And at the end Serena narrates that the three of them have gone back to Spetses every year to remind themselves about how great things have been for them and while the credits roll we get a double whammy of horrendousness as we see a blooper reel worse than “The Master Of Disguise” and a song that has been played to death in this movie called “Ocean Lies” plays over & over again during the end credits and it just keeps going & going & going & going & going and just GAH!(Cut to James screaming at the top of his lungs, getting out of the bed and moving at fast speed while Mathew & Trina watch.)

Trina Mason: What just happened?

Film Brain: Judging by the way James acted and with an hour and a half to spare to the concert, I have to say I’ve been spared! (Cut to picture of FilmOn headquarters and little blip of James screaming & moving at fast speed in and out then FilmOn headquarters being blown off the map then cut back to Trina and Mathew Buck and James running back to the room.)

TLOTA: THIS MOVIE IS SATANIC! (Cut to clips of “Fish Tales” while James does a voice over.) I’M DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE FOLKS! THIS MOVIE STARTED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL AND THEN DUG ITSELF SO FAR DOWN, IT WAS ABLE TO EAT MOO-GOO-GAI-PAN IN CHINA! THE ACTING IS HORRID, THE STORY MOVES AT A SLUGS PACE AND THE MOVIE IS ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF LONG BY THE WAY! THE PLOTHOLES ARE SO BIG YOU COULD FIT A CONVOY OF BIG RIGS IN THEM, THE EDITING IS COCK, & GET READY FOR WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY, BECAUSE THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK I HAVE GONE FUCKING BAT SHIT CRAZY BUT IT’S WORTH A WATCH! I am dead serious, this thing is up there with the likes of “Food fight!”,”Birdemic”& “The Room” it so bad it has to be seen to be believed! (Cut to James, Mathew & Trina in the Hotel room and James’ sighs) Well Mathew, thanks for being a part of this and… (James turns to his left) Oh hey, you’re Trina Mason.

Trina Mason: Yeah and I was wondering what happened?

TLOTA: Well, this was all part of the review I did for the movie me & Mathew saw and…

Trina Mason: Wait all of this was the review?

TLOTA: Well you see it’s like…(Trina slaps James)

Trina Mason: How dare you misuse a mermaid’s assistance! (Trina backhand slaps James) I’ll teach you a thing or fifty five! (Trina slaps him with five forehand and backhand slaps) You jerk! (Trina bonks James on the forehead and James puts his arms up in a defensive position.) Don’t you dare try to hit me! (Trina smacks James on the forearms.) Trying to take advantage of…(Trina continues to scream in anger at James while Mathew grabs James’ Overnight bag and leaves it in the doorway then gets on his cell phone to Lea Michele.)

Film Brain: Hello Lea, he’s fine and He’ll be there in a half hour. I know I’m a lucky bastard! Well, time for me to get the hell out of here! I’m Mathew Buck beating down bad movies everywhere! (Mathew runs like hell scene cuts to Trina Mason continuing to smack James around.)

Trina Mason: You, you horrible creature, you HUMAN! (Trina Mason hits James with a right cross that knocks James out of the room.)

TLOTA: Well, looks like I’ve got to get going! I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion! (James falls down face first.)

(End credits of “Bad Movie Beatdown” roll as intro song “Ready To Roll” by Jet Black Stare play and following is credited Original “Bad Movie Beatdown” series concept by Mathew Buck, Christopher Barnard & Lewis Rogers, Presented, Written & Directed by Mathew Buck & James Faraci, Shot by Christopher Barnard & James Faraci, Edited by Mathew Buck & James Faraci, Producers: Mathew Buck, James Faraci, Chris Lee Moore, Christopher Barnard. Special Thanks to Lea Michele, Trina Mason, Chris Lee Moore, ‘That Sci-Fi Guy’, Chris Ferrariolo, ‘Overactor’, Nash Bozard & James Faraci. This contains footage from “Fishtales” which is available from all good video stores. This work is protected by Fair Use. If you feel that we have used your material unfairly please contact us. Contact us at the Bad Movie Beatdown at Follow us on Twitter! @FB_BMB, @lordhebe, @TLOTA, @RowdyCReviewer, @msleamichele & @TrinaMason  Executive Producers Mike Michaud, Robert & Darlene Moore with the following sites credited underneath all the credits are as followed, & then cuts to “Channel Awesome” Mark II ending credit. Then cuts to James walking down the hallway of the hotel later on that night to Lea’s room and a key to the room in his right hand and in his left is his overnight and on the door is a stick it note reading “I’m in the tub.” And cuts to James looking in the bathroom with a wide eye look and a smile on his face as camera pans back to see Lea in a mermaid’s tail in the bathtub filled with water.)

Lea Michele: Do you like it James?

TLOTA: Yes, I like it.

Lea Michele: Trina invited me to the con she was invited to today after practice. Tonight, my present to you is me and I’m ready.

TLOTA: Okay. (Scene cuts to the hallway where orgasmic screaming is heard which cut to Dolphin Squeals when it cuts to Chris Lee Moore alias “The Rowdy Reviewer” hears it.)

Rowdy: Great, the first convention I’m invited to be a part of a panel and my buddy is getting lucky!

Dianna Agron (Audio only): No he won’t! (Bathroom door opens as Dianna Agron dressed in dignified Dominatrix clothing and a bull whip steps out the door.)

Rowdy: Dianna Agron?! Uh last time you & I were in the same room, you threatened to have my head and my privates on your mantelpiece if we were in the same room again.

Dianna Agron: Well Chris, I figured after I relaxed I saw before you got plastered you were a nice guy and you need someone…(Whispers into Rowdy’s ear naughty, Then camera cuts to outside of the door as yelps of pain are heard and intercut with orgasmic noises. Cut to Lea having felt as if her world had been rocked and James is on the floor with a smile on his face, his pants down around his ankles with the underwear covering the privates.)

TLOTA: You know, I’ve been thinking of someone.

Lea Michele: Who?

TLOTA: Mathew, I hope he didn’t do anything crazy. (James has a JD look on his face as James has a “Scrubs” like fantasy enter his head as scene cuts flashes to SummersIsle where Jane Lynch is dressed like Sister SummersIsle and facial painting looks halfway like Demon from KISS and the coloring is inverted on the other side.)

Jane “SummersIsle”: So you have come of your own volition to sacrifice yourself for our crops? (Camera zooms to Mathew Buck with a smile on his face.)

Film Brain: After what I’ve seen, I welcome death! (Mathew gets pulled up by his wrists to the top of the Wicker Man and a little girl puts a torch over the base of a bonfire and as the fire grows Mathew whoops and hollers in joy as he dances around the head as the fire grows and the women chant “The Drone must die!”) It’s getting hot in here so let me get all nutty now. (Fire gets closer and Mathew begins to get giddy.) Father into your hands I! (Mathew falls down and cut flashes back to James)

TLOTA: Nah, that’s stupid even by his standards!