Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Another "Spider" Bite


Hey guys James here, The following was pre-written before the death of Justin Carmical otherwise known as "JewWario". There's no easy way of saying this outside of it was tragic and My condolences go to his family, his friends & loved ones. I never knew him personally but his infectious love of this  occupation helped inspire me. He was the funniest one in "Kickassia", "Suburban Knights" & "To Boldly Flee". Having said all of that, the remainder of reviews and editorials of this year I dedicate to the memory of Justin "JewWario" Carmical. (Fade out and ORAC is heard audibly)
ORAC (Audio only):Previously on James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans. 
Rowdy: Well it looks like you’re on your way back. (Rowdy’s phone goes off) One second. Hello (Muted horn play representing other person talking like in a “Peanuts” Special.) Dang it, I got to go, all the pre-recorded episodes I did when I heard about what happened to you are all posted and I got to get back to do my reviews down where I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area of Texas. Good luck and Stay Rowdy My Friend. (Rowdy pops out as James & Lea sit there in surprise)

Lea Michele: Wow, how did he do that?

TLOTA: He has a genie. How did I know that? (Lea Michele grabs Tri-corder, scans James)

Lea Michele ORAC, what’s the latest findings?

ORAC: According to the scanner some of his memories are beginning to return and his brain is integrating the data from the returning memories to what he’s been though for the past six years. He must watch the next movie in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man movie series to continue the progress.

TLOTA: So what am I waiting for? (James walks over to Spider-Man 2 & grabs it and it hurts him even worse than grabbing the first Spider-Man and he drops it only for Lea Michele to grab it and see the cover.)
ORAC(Audio): And now the continuation. 
(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

TLOTA: So the last one hurt me a little but this one hurt me more. I wonder why?

Lea Michele: Maybe this is why. (Lea Michele shows James the quote The Late Roger Ebert said “The Best Superhero movie I’ve ever seen.”)

TLOTA: “THE best Superhero movie I’ve ever seen” Roger Ebert said that. Roger Ebert one of the greatest cinematic critics whose favorite movie was “Citizen Kane” while he was alive said that THIS was the best Superhero move he’d ever seen?!  (Show clips of “Spider-Man 2” with James doing a voice over) This was the first movie I ever saw that made me growl in anger and the stupid that I thought would’ve been corrected from the last film is intensified in this one. The plot is about a few steps away from bad as bad can get and even I can see that this movie will hurt & I’ve got Swiss cheese memory. (Show James & Lea in James’ room) So let’s get through “Spider-Man 2”.

TLOTA (voice over the video): So as the movie begins we see Mary Jane has become the face of a perfume and is an actress on Broadway meanwhile Peter has got a job delivering Pizzas for supplemental income. Well wait a minute, wasn’t he living with Harry at the end of the last movie or did Harry throw Peter out by the end of the last movie no answers but there’s a reason why but that’s for later as Peter’s Pizza delivery job lasts about as long as a Chinese Buffet’s chance of staying in business once I get into line, which is about five minutes, so thanks pointless plot point! Meanwhile Peter Parker refuses to hand J. Jonah Jameson any more photos of Spider-Man because Jameson is making Spider-Man look like Osama Bin Laden! But eventually he relents for one photo to be used also Jameson apparently hires & fires Peter in almost every scene Jameson & Peter are in (Show clips of J. Jonah Jameson saying to Peter Parker “You’re Fired & You’re hired.” Repeatedly before cutting to James & Lea) KNOCK IT OFF, H. Ross Perot flip flopped less than you when he was running for president about running for president, TWICE! (Cut back to voice over video) In fact Peter has more problems with staying on a schedule especially with a paper that Peter needs to write on Dr. Otto Octavius played by Alfred Molina which by coincidence Harry who is running Oscorp now and is funding a project with Dr. Octavius and can help Peter with his paper. But Aunt May is having financial problems as well and with Uncle Ben being dead for two years thanks for filling us in that two years has passed and Mary Jane is in a stable relationship and Peter’s landlord Mr. Dikovitch seems to want one thing from Peter. (Show every clip of Mr. Dikovitch saying “Rent” to Peter) Meanwhile Peter and Otto Octavius meet as Peter sees the experiment he’s working on with Fusion sustainability. But Peter is nervous that it might not gonna work, but to calm him, Dr. Octavius invites Peter to the experiment for the next day. But the night before Peter tries but fails to make it due to a crime in process to see Mary Jane’s show and is turned away by Bruce Campbell. (Show clip of Bruce Campbell turning Peter Parker away)Thanks Bruce, you were used so well in this. Meanwhile Peter finally sees Mary Jane with her boyfriend John Jameson. That’s right Mary Jane is dating Peter’s boss’s son. Hoping to numb himself he decides to web sling until his powers begin to wane and takes an elevator with Hal Sparks (Show clip of Spider-Man & Hal Sparks in the elevator and stays there for far too long until scene cuts to James & Lea and James becomes angry) MAKE A POINT! (Cut back to voice over video clips.) Well there’s no point in trying to make a scene make a point we’ve got an experiment to see as Dr. Octavius and his mechanical harness prepare Dr. Octavius’s fusion experiment with a small amount of Tritium to kick start the project. But the project goes south quickly as the electromagnetism takes a spike in power. (Show clips of metallic objects going into the fusion experiment cutting to James and Lea seeing their metallic devices are going to the fusion experiment then back to audio over video clips) but the spike also bends the metal in the frame killing Otto’s wife Rosie and fusing the harness to Otto Octavius ruining the experiment and ending the future of Oscorp. Harry takes the setback in stride.

Harry Osborn: I’m ruined! I have nothing left except Spider-Man. He humiliated me by touching me! (Scene cuts to James & Lea)

Lea Michele: Well I don’t know about you but you look like you need a break.

TLOTA: No disagreement here but if there are more scenes that make no point, I might go Nuclear!

(Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)

(Show video with James doing voice over)

TLOTA (Voice over the video clips): So while the experiment may have been a dud Otto’s harness fusing to him brings to life the one and only Dr. Octopus.

Dr. Octopus: NO!

TLOTA (Voice over the video clips): Adding to his misery that he has four more limbs, his wife who had little to do except die in order to send Dr. Octopus over to the looney side, and with everything making little to no ounce of a point in this thing, I might be joining him, his new mechanical limbs tell him to rebuild. But as Peter & Aunt May are turned down for a refinance to pay off the Parker house by Joel McHale of “The Soup”. Meanwhile Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus battle for the first time Doctor Octopus kidnaps Aunt May and I will admit this battle was well done and Aunt May with Spider-Man defeats Doctor Octopus but he gets away with the cash, so it’s a mixed bag of an ending to their first confrontation. Meanwhile, Peter is given a job taking Photos of a high society party where, get ready, Mary Jane and John Jameson announce their engagement! (Show photo of Peter looking down in the dumps and a nuclear explosion in the background is shown.) If that wasn’t enough of a karmic bitch slap for Peter his powers finally give out and after going out with Ben as his moral core saying he should continue on as his powers finally go on him he decides to call it quits as Spider-Man. (Show clip of Peter Parker now powerless making more of an effort to be Peter Parker while “Raindrops keep falling on my head” by B.J. Thomas plays) So when the news Spider-Man calls it quits J. Jonah Jameson celebrates like it’s 1999 again but Peter finally makes it to see Mary Jane in the play but it doesn’t matter Mary Jane hammers in that she & John are getting married and that’s it and to really make the fan boys who wanted to see Mary Jane & Peter hook up growl like bulldogs Mary Jane & John reenact the infamous kiss from the first movie! But enough about that Peter tells Aunt May about what happened two years ago.

Peter Parker: Aunt May, you don’t have to punish yourself. I’m responsible. For what happened to Uncle Ben. He drove me to the Library, but I never went in. I went someplace else. Someplace where I thought I could win some money to buy a car, because I wanted to impress Mary Jane. It happened so fast. I won the money and the guy wouldn’t pay me, then he got robbed. The thief was running towards me. I could’ve stopped him but I wanted revenge. I let him go. I let him get away. He wanted a car. He tried to take Uncle Ben’s. Uncle Ben said no and then he shot him. Uncle Ben was killed that night for being the only one who did the right thing. And I… I held his hand when he died.

TLOTA (Voice over the video clips): Aunt May handles that revelation rather well. (Show clip of Aunt May walking away from Peter.) Eventually she forgives her nephew for being responsible for playing a part in her husband’s murder decides to sell the house and we get THE lamest comedic moment in this movie. (Show clip of Peter Parker taking a leap off a building.)

Peter Parker: I’m Back! I’M BACK! (Hollers in excitement until he falls then grabs clothesline and lands on car.) My back, my back!

TLOTA (Voice over the video clips): Meanwhile Dr. Octopus has been rebuilding his fusion machine and needs the tritium from Harry. Harry will give Dr. Octopus the Tritium if Dr. Octopus hands Spider-Man over to Harry to finish him off.  But as Peter and Mary Jane have a conversation whether or not she’s doing the right thing by marrying John Jameson, I’ll give you one guess who literally crashes the conversation.  (Show clip of a car crashing into the cafĂ© as Peter’s Spider sense returns and Peter moves Mary Jane out of the way.)

Dr. Octopus: Peter Parker. I want you to find your friend Spider-Man. Tell him to meet me at the Westside Tower at 3:00. Find him or I’ll peel the flesh off her bones.

TLOTA (Voice over the video clips): Within that moment Peter’s powers return, secretly grabs his Spider-Man costume from Jameson’s office and no it’s not explained how he snuck in, grabbed the suit and left the note quickly but who cares Spider-Man’s back and refreshed to battle Doc Ock one more time(Show clips of second battle between Dr. Octopus & Spider-Man). The fight eventually leads them to an El Car subway which I think doesn’t exist in New York City which is where Spider-Man and the majority of Marvel’s superheroes reside in which Doc Ock causes damage to people on that car, boosts the speed and destroys the braking system. However Spider-Man eventually finds a way to save them even if the look on his face is one of extreme constipation and Doc Ock grabs Spidey to hand over to Harry after knocking the wall crawler out, though having been extremely worn out from stopping the train. Before Harry can axe Spider-Man, he finds out Peter is Spider-Man. Harry tells Peter about what Doc Ock is up to. Peter tells Harry that Doc Ock has Mary Jane but Peter tells him to hold off the vendetta to save Mary Jane who wants to get out of there but Doc Ock puts logic into the picture.

Dr. Octopus: I can’t let you go, you’d bring the police. Not that anyone could stop me now that Spider-Man is dead.

Mary Jane: He’s not dead. I don’t believe you.

Dr. Octopus: Believe it.

TLOTA (Voice over the video clips): As Doc Ock reactivates the machine Spider-Man comes in to stop him one more time as the fusion reaction goes even more haywire and becomes self-sustaining Spidey decides to unmask himself and try to reason with him scientific mind to scientific mind after finally getting through Doc Ock’s thick skull Dr. Octopus sacrifices himself to destroy the fusion experiment just as Mary Jane discovers that Spider-Man and Peter Parker are one and the same. Quickly getting out of harm’s way Peter tells Mary Jane to have a fantastic life with John and he’ll be there for her and goes off into the night. Meanwhile Harry is haunted by the spirit of the Green Goblin posing as Norman Osborn and Harry discovers the formula of the Goblin as well as the glider, suit and weapons. But enough setting up a character arc for the third movie, Mary Jane & John Jameson get married have a fantastic life together and Spider-Man will forever remain alone. (Show clip of Mary Jane going away from the church and Peter sitting in his apartment lamenting over the one he thinks he lost forever when Mary Jane stands in the doorway.)

Mary Jane: Had to do what I had to do. (Scene cuts to James starting to get angry and Lea Michele grabbing a military helmet then cut back to Mary Jane) Peter, I can’t survive without you. (Scene cuts to James getting really mad and Lea Michele trying to find a place to hide when James blows up like a nuclear bomb then cuts back to Mary Jane) I know you think we can’t be together. But can’t you respect me enough to make my own decision? I know there’ll be risks. But I want to face them with you. (Scene cuts to James as steam comes out of his ears and other openings as Lea Michele finds a hiding spot in the closet with ORAC then cut back to Mary Jane.)  It’s wrong that we should only be half-alive, half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am standing in your doorway. I’ve always been standing in your doorway. Isn’t it about time someone saved your life? (Scene cuts to James shaking in rage, ready to nuke the whole of Northern America off the map before cutting back to Mary Jane & Peter.) Well say something.

Peter Parker: Thank you Mary Jane Watson. (Show scene of the two kissing as emergency sirens blare and Peter wonders what to do.)

Mary Jane:  Go get them, Tiger. (Show ending then cut to James sitting in his room apparently calmed down)

TLOTA: So, Mary Jane Watson disregarded Peter’s wishes, decides to put her life on the line by hooking up with Peter and everyone is okay with that. (James smiles for a few seconds before quickly getting angry and slams the table, shouts “BULLSHIT!” in deep low booming roar as it cuts to stock video of a house being blown up then a nuclear explosion wiping out most of small town USA then a clip of Back To The Future Part III when the train pushing the Delorean up to speed even getting the clip of Clara flying and doing a Daffy Duck style Hoo-hoo! Then cut back to James lying back in his chair, Lea stepping out of the hole with ORAC and the two look outside of James’ window to see complete devastation.) Sorry, but it was worth it, this movie was a mess! (Show clips of Spider-Man 2 with James doing a voiceover) The endless pointless plot points go on for an eternity, the endless supply of pointless supplemental characters will drive anyone mad, the story is barely fleshed out & never explains a damned thing about what happened in the two years since the first movie not even on the Director’s cut on DVD. Oh yeah, in case you’re a glutton for dumb there’s a Director’s cut on DVD that explains less than the Theatrical cut. If the late Roger Ebert said that Spider-Man 2 was The Best Superhero Movie he ever saw, than in his later years he was on something because it’s one of the lamest I’VE ever seen. (Cut back to James and Lea) But to my surprise, there’s one more and I hope it’s better than I hope my Swiss cheese memory remembers it. (James grabs Spider-Man 3 and extreme pain courses through James and Lea Michele grabs the medical Tri-Corder)

Lea Michele: ORAC, what’s going on?

ORAC: According to the latest scans the bad memories have flooded over every memory that has recently been reintegrated.

Lea Michele: What caused it?
TLOTA (Sounding dark & demonic with his eyes glowing with black flames): Spider-Man 3 (Dark Spider-Man theme from Spider-Man 3 play in the background and James smiles a wicked grin.)

TO BE CONCLUDED...