Friday, June 28, 2013

An "Even" Stinker

(Black background as in demonic text says 1986 as it moves to Los Angeles in a house where the Devil, as portrayed by Malcolm Ray, readies himself to possess Shia LaBeouf's Father)

Mr. LaBeouf: Oh what a night, I just want to rest right now, that okay honey.

Mrs. LaBeouf: Sure thing

Satan: That's my cue! (Scene goes black as sexual moans & groans occur than we hear a baby cry then black background with demonic text reading 2002 as we find James Faraci sitting back in his room and he's exhausted as he just finished another school day and it shows)
TLOTA(Sighs a deep cleansing breath): What a day, I just finished another day in High School, I'm about to become an uncle for the first time with twins, I need to unwind, Hmm, "Even Stevens". (Scene plays with Christy Romano, Tom Virtue and Donna Pescow trying to have a quiet and honest discussion when a Monkey's screeching ruins it with them shouting "LOUIS!" ) Good god that guy playing Louis is annoying as all fuck who is he? (James goes down to main computer and discovers his name and mispronounces it) Hmm, Here's hoping he'll never have a career after this shit!

(Black Background with the demonic text of One Year Later as we see James taking care of his twin nieces as he discovers Shia LaBeouf is going to be in several movies that year)

TLOTA: Hey there maddy, mallie you see him, he's stinky and guess what this year will be the only year he'll be in because soon he'll be working at a McDonald's yes he will, yes he will and your Uncle Jimmy is gonna be a real big star. Yes he will and you guys are going to have an Aunt Christy.

(Black background with Demonic text with the year 2006 and James is still at home and discovers that Shia LaBeouf is going to be in both Transformers & Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull)

TLOTA: What's Hollywood's desire to take Shia LaBeouf who is for all intent and purpose a piece of shit and make him the next big thing? He isn't! This is bullshit! (Sighs) Well at least Christy Romano still likes me.

(Black background show demonic text with the year 2008 and James Faraci is a wreck)

TLOTA: Christy hates me, Shia LaBeouf is a big star and we just elected the wrong person into the Presidency, What else can go wrong? (James goes on line to discover Shia LaBeouf is going to be in two more sequels to Transformers) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I feel so alone, like I'm, I'm...

(Music from the last seasons of the Original Run of American Gladiators play Speedy shot of James Faraci breaking through the American Flag, working out, fighting bad cinema, bad pop culture anything bad in the world with a picture of the White House appears in the background as Jack Swagger, Zeb Coulter and President Obama appear in the foreground as all three fall as James Faraci stands alone and tall and in Army text the words of The Last Of The Americans stand by his side)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own and some of yours. (Sighs) I've been busy babysitting someone so I've got a lot on my plate and right now she's in my room watching "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" & for the record I'm not a Brony and the only reason I'm doing this is because her usual babysitter is away for a while.(Footage of Nostalgia Critic sipping on a Mai Tai in a hammock relaxing in paradise and cuts back to James standing and sighing in anguish then walks back to his room.) Evilena, sweetie can I get your dad's cell phone number.

Evilena: Okay, but my dad will be back soon.

TLOTA: One can hope. (James dials cell phone number in another room) Hello Satan, when are you coming back to pick up your kid, my nieces are going to be here soon and I don't want her being a bad influence on them. (Scene cuts to Satan in his Summer living central A.K.A Hollywood)

Satan: I'll be done soon, just finishing up a deal.

TLOTA: For Who?! And for how long!? ( James's face looks like he has been shocked with the worst news ever as Evilena sings the "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" theme while she jumps on James' bed as James wails a mournful cry which cuts off Evilena's singing and she goes into the next room to see James crying in a fetal position.)

Evilena: Mr. Jimmy what's wrong?

TLOTA: Your dad just added more misery onto my plate and I've got at least a ton of it already. (James cries as the phone sitting in the corner as Satan yells Hello? Anyone there? and Evilena picking up the phone)

Evilena: Dad, didn't mom say it was wrong to torture my babysitters.

Satan: I'm not! Remember that Mr. LaBeouf.

Evilena: Yes? He's going to be my husband when I get older and our spawn will bring forth the rapture.

Satan: Exactly, but I'm giving him 20 more years on the big screen before I do that. (James groans in pain as he says that.) Would you put a dear and put Mr. Jimmy on the phone again?

Evilena: Okay. Mr. Jimmy my dad wants to talk to you. (James takes the phone)

Satan: Come on, it's not like you're in your thirties and still living at home with your parents. (Satan does a quick check to discover that James is still living with his parents and he's in his thirties) Oh Snap, you are. Well what do you have against Shia LaBeouf.?

TLOTA: Simply put, PLENTY! I mean my goodness, he is annoying as all get out and he has done nothing to change my impression of him. In terms of Dramatic acting Shakespearian actors commit suicide every time Shia LaBeouf makes a movie and in terms of Comedic Acting well let me put it this way, If I had a choice between Shia's best comedic movie and Adam Sandler's and including Seth Rogen's Worst movie. I'D TAKE ADAM SANDLER'S WORST AND SETH ROGEN'S WORST ANY AND EVERY TIME! Also need you be reminded, Shia LaBeouf beat out Elmo for a Daytime Emmy! ELMO! And Elmo is considered the MOST annoying character on Children's & Daytime Programing and so in order to beat The Most Annoying Character in Children's & Daytime Programing you have to be reeeeeeeeeeeally annoyingly bad.

Evilena: How did he win it?

TLOTA: Huh? What are you talking about?

Evilena: Shia LaBeouf, How did he win his daytime emmy?

TLOTA: Glad you asked, he starred in a Disney Channel Sitcom called "Even Stevens" The series primarily focused around Shia's Character Louis Stevens as he causes enough Chaos and Anarchy that most sane parents would've put the kid in a nuthouse and never spoke about him again! But no he continues to annoy his family and friends out and about in the world and the family consisting of the dad played by Tom Virtue, the mom played by Donna Pescow, The Oldest member of the Stevens clan, A dumb jock played by Nick Spano and His sister played by (Love Theme from Cinema Paradiso plays as James sits and sighs and bemoans his fate talking about the fact he'll never know true romantic love, he'll never know true romantic happiness and that he'll be going on a tandem boat ride on the River Styx with his father for all eternity because he feels like such a failure then Evileena smacks him out of it) Sorry 'bout that um where was I? Oh Yeah the Sister played by Christy Romano. It was at times decent and tolerable but after three years, The Disney Ax swung on the show and heralded it's death knell but not before one of the worst DCOMS of all time!

Evilena: What's a DCOM?

TLOTA: It stands for Disney Channel Original Movie and this is one of the worst, "The Even Stevens Movie".  I could go on for hours as to how horrendous this movie was and still not even dent it, Character Derailment as bad as the Eighth season of the Original Ninja Turtles cartoons, jokes that aren't funny, a plot with enough holes it can be considered Swiss Cheese and of course the Caca icing on the Caca Cake, Shia LaBeouf. But don't believe me let's go through it together. So we start off with Morpheus looking for Neo in The Matrix? What the... did I put in a swede copy of The Matrix by mistake or am I missing something. Oh Yeah, This is Tim "I wish I never left SNL, Wish The Ladies Man movie did better at the box office, Wish I still had a career in acting" Meadows. He's playing what this movie considers the villain in this movie Miles McDermott. He's looking for a family to put on a reality prank show and finds his targets The Stevens Clan. But enough about that it's Ren's Graduation Day and wouldn't you know it she's Valedictorian Whoop De Doo and unfortunately guess who ruins her big day? Why none other than Shia LaBeouf as Louis Stevens and his cohort Beans played by Steven Anthony Lawrence.

Evilena: Who?

TLOTA: I guess I forgot to mention this but in the second season Shia's Annoyance was starting to turn audiences off rightfully so, but in order to keep the show running they added someone just as annoying Beans but unlike Shia LaBeouf, Beans could be kind of funny and somewhat likeable,but in comparison Shia is STILL The most annoying thing in this or any project with Shia LaBeouf attached. So apparently Louis made a remote controlled beach ball which he thinks has confetti in it but instead has...

Beans: Spaghetti.

TLOTA: Because Confetti and Spaghetti are so interchangeable. We're already five minutes in and my tolerance levels are at the I can't take this anymore levels. Can it get worse and now I've said that incoming. Apparently Ren now wants to kill her brother and I'd be glad if she did but her parents foil her (Shot focuses on Christy's face with her looking like what's going on is ridiculous and audio of Poison Ivy from Batman & Robin saying CURSES!) But after nearly avoiding a whole lot of grief and misery  for the future Ren meets her boyfriend Gil who was established in one of the final episodes before this movie but as she plans to get more serious, he dumps her like Hollywood does with real talent for a quicker buck. In fact that was unfortunately an established trait of Christy's Character and unfortunately her career and everyone who works with Shia LaBeouf suffers the fact that Hollywood doesn't want them. Let's look at the wake of career destruction. Christy Romano isn't acting anymore and neither are any of his co-stars from the show, Keanu Reeves has all but disappeared, The actors from Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle are barely still acting save for Bernie Mac who died a few years after working with Shia and Will Smith...(After Earth Poster pops up from nowhere) Well that had M. Night Shyamalan so that was doomed from the start. But you get my drift. So as we cut to the next day we discover that Louis has made the Ultimate Lounge Chair with all sorts of Bells & Whistles and shows it off to his other friends Twitty played by AJ Trauth, Tom played by Fred Meyers and his girl Tawny played by Margo Harshman and boy listening to her protests and preaching makes me miss the subtlety of Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell and what is Louis's plans for the Summer to sit in the Ultimate Lounge Chair and watch Satellite TV and his favorite shows like Gotcha but that show Gotcha won't be a plot point later on. But we've got a plot to get back on track as if it was even on the rails. Beans comes to stay with the Stevens clan for the Summer. Meanwhile Louis continues to annoy his sister by having Beans take her stockings and making one very stupid mosquito net over his entire Lounge Chair which attacks Ren and (Scene plays as the Chair attacks Ren and procedes to cover her with Sundae toppings and the Cherry landing in her pannooch and bugle horn sounds charge. Then The chair spins and launches Ren and Attacks both Louis and Ren before the duo crash into Miles McDermott) Don't think I can recap better than The Stevens Clan literally crashes into the plot. Apparently Miles has set them up for an all expenses paid vacation to an island called Mandelino. Naturally as any person with more than two brain cells could tell that they're being set up.

Admiral Ackbar: IT'S A TRAP!

TLOTA: But after a video presentation that would looks like it was done by The Irate Gamer, The Stevens Clan sign on the dotted line for the vacation, the only one who doesn't  want to go is (Louis being annoying saying why they shouldn't gonna go!) HIM?! YOU'RE ACTUALLY  MAKING ME SIDE WITH HIM?! Ugh! I need a break. We're going to take a commercial break, take a look at the ads next or above this or check out another site on a tab.

Evilena: But isn't this an article based review.

TLOTA: It's my blog I'll do what I want (Commercial Sting going out with of the American Gladiators first run's final season's ten seconds theme with James Standing next to Army Text saying The Last Of The Americans. Then same commercial sting takes us back to the review.)
TLOTA: So The Stevens Clan are off to Paradise where we see the natives welcome them and just to see how far the Natives will go before sacrificing them The Stevens Clan bring Beans along because bringing Louis on his own wasn't bad enough. But as the Stevens enjoy their Paradise. Donnie who is the Oldest and about as dumb as anyone watching this movie might be seeing a little intelligence as recognizes one of them as looking similar to one of his old school mates. Isn't Donnie supposedly the one kid who couldn't even put 2 & 2 together, in fact shouldn't the mom supposedly a smart politician and the dad a prominent Lawyer? So how can they be that snow blinded?

Evilena: Plot Convenience?

TLOTA: Maybe? But we don't have time for that we've got a palace to enjoy only for a few scenes later for Louis to demolish! Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, Miles McDermott is setting them up to be on his reality show so how much of this is real (Scene of "Natives" wailing with a big Dinging noise and sign saying NONE OF IT!) Just as I thought. So their palace is destroyed, the "Natives" are angry and Miles desert them with only the clothes on their back. So as the dad is building camp with Ren & Beans. Louis, Donnie & The Mom search for firewood when they're intercepted by Miles and told that the "Natives" are willing to forgive them if the three of them feast without the others their fire god may forgive them.

Native Chief Tuka: OH MIGHTY OPARRAH

TLOTA: Really an Oprah Joke? An Oprah Joke? You couldn't have said (James dubbing the chief with "OH MIGHTY DOKATORAPHILAMACRAW") or (James dubbing the chief with "OH MIGHTY GERISPRINGA") You know something as Subtle and stupid and obscure. But the "Natives" fire god has spoken and the Stevens are to be shunned. Well wait a second, if they believe in more than one deity surely they believe in other gods, in fact I'm certain somewhere they believe in Kali why not sacrifice one of their own to Kali? You may have to sacrifice the most annoying one but hey one less pain in the neck. (Scene from "Indiana Jones & The Temple Of Doom as  Mola Ram sacrificing innocent person with head replaced with Shia LaBeouf's head as Mola Ram rips out Shia LaBeouf's heart and Shia LaBeouf is sacrificed to the Lava Pit and is incinerated) See, that dirt simple. But no they're stuck with him as much as we are and as we discover the name of the reality show Miles is not only producing but hosting as well "Family Fakeout" and we also find out that Twitty sold The Stevens Clan and Shia LaBeouf down the river to Miles McDermott why? It's Shia LaBeouf, does anyone need a reason to sell Shia LaBeouf down the river and we also see that everyone and their mom is watching "Family Fakeout" meanwhile Miles continues his plan to drive the Stevens cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Why? Because he used to produce for Gotcha before Lance LeBow played by Full House star Dave Coulier gave Miles the boot & so to exact his revenge on Lance, he plans on burying his show in the ratings by shoving Shia LaBeouf and the Stevens clan on us 24/7. Meanwhile Twitty & Tawny discover from Coach Tugnut (& yes, that's the character's name) discover that the Stevens are off the coast and the only one with a boat who can help them get there is Tom. Meanwhile back on "Mandelino" The Stevens clan are coming apart at the seams as Louis, The Mom and Donnie, who is STILL going on with the fact about the native who is in fact his old school mate, go in one direction and Ren, The Dad and Beans the opposite direction. Meanwhile a "Native" named Mootai which sounds like an mixed cocktail and Ren are trying to hook up despite the fact that she can't tell he's lying and acting and Ren is still heartbroken but I hate to harp on this but Ren Stevens and in extension Christy Romano have probably the worst luck in men. If she were to have say given a guy like me a chance, I think we would have made a great couple and gone the distance as it were. But no she wants to get close to liars, creeps who will only break her heart and idiots who can't get a clue and as everyone says  the two should hook up, the only exception is(Principal Wexler voting no and sounding like she should hook up with him) EWW! JUST...JUST EWWW! ARE YOU ACTUALLY SAYING THAT PRINCIPAL WEXLER WHO IS A HIGHLY RESPECTED EDUCATOR ANDTHE PRINCIPAL OF HER JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL AND APPROXIMATLY 5 LUSTRUMS HER SENIOR HAS THE HOTS FOR REN?! THAT IS CREEPY AND WRONG AND PERVERTED ON SO MANY LEVELS. But thankfully Ren doesn't kiss him and Principal PedoWexler can still fantasize about her giving it up to him, Blaugh.

Evilena: What's a lustrum?

TLOTA About five years.

Evilena: Oh

TLOTA: So while you try to get that image out of your cerebellum Tawny and Twitty get to the Island but are separated. Twitty is captured by the production staff of "Family Fakeout" and Tawny is (Coconut hits with Pinpoint Accuracy) WAIT WHAT? COCONUT? COCONUT WHAT? WHAT WAIT COCONUT?  COCONUT? COCONUT,WHAT? So by the third day Twitty is locked up in a production truck and Tawny is wandering the island and as Twitty "Cleverly" disguises himself we see the Mom & Dad calm down long enough to discover that this was all a rouse and  just in the nick of plot convenience Donnie finds Tawny, The Mom & Dad  get Beans and they all meet up  to have Donnie tackle Twitty and he confesses to selling them out. Meanwhile Ren & "Mootai" finally kiss and sends PedoPrinciple into a funk but don't worry, Detective Olivia Benson will be there soon enough with Detective Odafin Tutuola to whisk you away where you can befriend Bubba in the Federal Lockup. But as "Mootai" is about to kiss and spill the beans instead of doing as Miles asked of him which was to break her heart, any more heartbreak in either Ren or Christy's existence & she'll wind up with the wrong guy (Pic of her and her soon to be husband Brendan Rooney pops up as James slams his head on the wall)

Evilena: Jimmy What are you doing?

TLOTA: My impression of a woodpecker!

Evilena: Why?

TLOTA: It just makes me feel better. So yeah before "Mootai" can spill the tribe as directed by Miles grabs him and tells her that it's all Louis' fault and she begins to hunt him down like the piece of trash he is, but before Twitty met back up with the Stevens he shut down the production. THANK WHOEVER CARES ABOUT ME. But as Twitty tells them that Ren is hunting Louis just as Miles is  working on getting the Show back on the air & just in time Ren has found Louis and He gonna die!

Ren: You've ruined my life!

Louis: When?

TLOTA: I'm gonna go with "The Day You Were Born."

Ren: The Day You Were Born!

TLOTA: CALLED IT!  But Louis sneaks away like snake in the grass he is but there's nowhere he can run and nowhere he can hide! (Ren Trills as she hunts Louis to a Cliffside) Miles for some reason discovers that if Louis dies, it's his fault. True but if Shia does die Movies can be better. So I say Kill him!

Dad: Ren! What are you doing?!

Ren: I'm about to solve the Louis problem

TLOTA: Please stop talking about it and do it already. Eventually Miles tells them that they're the stars of Family Fakeout. But it's too little, too late Shia's gotta die!

Ren: You're trying to protect Louis! You're always trying to protect Louis! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

TLOTA:KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! COME ON PEOPLE HELP MOTIVATE HER INTO KILLING SHIA LABEOUF! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! (Various internet personalities including Rowdy C, The Nostalgia Critic, The Blockbuster Buster, The Angry Video Game Nerd, Obscurus Lupa, Phelous, 8-Bit Mickey, Santa Christ, The Irate Gamer, Paw, The Maven Of The Eventide, Nostalgia Chick, Nella, JesuOtaku, Nash from Radio Dead Air, Linkara, Matthew "Film Brain" Buck & Todd In The Shadows are all chanting KILL HIM! Ren Shrieks and finally kills him and everyone in the movie reacts like they do and Miles Shouts NO!) YES,YES,YES,YES,YES, YES, YES, YES SHIA LABEOUF IS DEAD (The previously mentioned internet personalities all cheer in joy as the only musical part of Happy Happy, Joy Joy they all celebrate Shia LaBeouf's death but their celebration is cut short as they hear a chopper)

TLOTA: What's that? (Chopper blades get louder) PLEASE TELL ME THAT IS NOT A CHOPPER?! (Chopper appears from below) PLEASE TELL ME THAT IS NOT LANCE LEBOW DROPPING BY MILES MCDERMOTT JUST TO SAY GOTCHA ON HIS OWN SHOW?!

Lance LeBow: Miles McDermott, This is Lance LeBow and I just dropped by to say: "Gotcha" on your own show!

TLOTA: PLEASE FOR EVERYTHING GOOD AND SACRED ON THIS LUMP OF ROCK THAT SHIA LABEOUF'S DEAD AND ROTTING CORPSE IS HANGING ON THE END OF THAT ROPE LADDER I SAW! (Louis hanging on the rope ladder still alive)

Louis: HEY MILES! (The Previously mentioned internet personalities and James all fall down and cry and moan and groan as Evilena tries to comfort James)

TLOTA: So yes, Shia LaBeouf (Stutters as he tries to say lives and eventually spits it out.)lives. The family eventually tells how they all banded together. Hunt down Miles for making their lives a misery. Louis tries to be a good guy by having him play cupid by hooking up Ren with the dude who played "Mootai". Twitty is forgiven and summarily punished to sit next to Beans who's quite gassy that day. Beans gives us the expositive about where he and the Stevens went on to do and Just to stretch the torment a little longer they tack on a music video/blooper reel combo all's horrible that ends horrible!

Evilena: I think I now know why you don't like Mr. LaBeouf at all.

TLOTA: Really, you had to watch this with me just to get it! And it surprised me that Shia LaBeouf STILL has a career after this. It derailed every character, the plot was a joke, the drama was so ham-fisted & even if this wasn't the backdoor finale to Even Stevens I'd still hate this thing because it was a bad movie from start to finish.

Satan: And I heard all of it from here, so I've got some work to do for you on the house.

TLOTA: Oops I forgot you were still on the phone what about your kid?

Satan: My wife's sisters will pick her up. (Hangs up phone)

TLOTA: Well, your aunts are going to pick you up kiddo.

Evilena: I'll wait outside for Aunt Kourtney & Khloe.

TLOTA: Why does that not surprise me? I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion! (Scene cuts to a courtroom in Los Angeles)

Satan: And so it is this court's ruling that the state of California find you Shia LaBeouf Guilty on all charges. You will be sentenced to life at San Quentin without the possibility of Parole. (Shia LaBeouf screams NO! NO! I'M INNOCENT! NO! as he's dragged away to prison.)