Life's a "Splash"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's go back to 1984; Ron Howard has been gone from "Happy Days" for four years and directed a whopping two movies. One before his departure and one afterward. Both became eventual Cult Classics, but Ron needed a hit movie. Tom Hanks is a struggling actor himself, and Disney was (dubbed by an emotionless computer as James starts to open his mouth but closes it as the dubbing begins): Doing fine but could've used a little more of the Disney magic to make the world a Fluffy Cloud of Happiness while starting to engage the more mature audience as we tried with our classic movie "The Black Hole" which we admit we could've toned the darkness down, but trying to. (The dubbing continues to be jingoistic to say everything was great with Disney as James gets up and finds the person and the program and proceeds to bash it into bits with the dubbed voice trying to scream G-Rated curse words. James walks back to his chair) Now as I was trying to say, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks needed to be in a successful movie, with Howard in the Director's chair and Hanks in the lead after a short-lived series was canceled. John Candy was trying to break into the American while being a part of SCTV and Darryl Hannah was a hot, young ingenue trying to show she could act, and Disney was in the toilet! It took literal hands of fate and the formation of a production/distribution company within Disney for one movie to succeed and start a new life for what would become the mouse-eared r----! Play the opening thought; I'll be back. 

(Cut to the title scene of Splash, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Splash, released in 1984 as the first movie produced and distributed through Touchstone Productions, a homemade Disney Subsidiary and was considered a risk for a company that had fallen on hard times that needed something different to revive it. This Director had no real success as did their leading man who was in a short-lived sitcom and a cast that was a mix of eager new talent, a sense that they were going to change perceptions, and their determination to succeed. Splash has stood the test of time as possibly the best Romantic Comedy ever made. But what was it about the movie that made it a success? Well, today, we're going to look over it and find out for ourselves and see how it has become a pop-culture staple to this moment with subtle references in tv series, other movies, and web series. (Cut to James as he wipes schmutz and sweat mixed with mucus and blood off his fists) 

TLOTA:
And seeing as this is Valentine's Day, it'd be a perfect movie to review. So let's dive into Splash!  

(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in 1964 as the Bauer family is enjoying a family trip on a boat in Cape Cod as young Freddie is punished. While dealing with Freddie, young Allen decides he's gonna go for a swim! (Cut to young Allen as he jumps, and The Eleventh Doctor shouts "GERONIMO!" Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen notices a young girl around his age as he's pulled back into the boat. We then cut to twenty years later as Allen, now played by Tom Hanks, as Alan has taken over the family business of distributing fresh produce for Supermarkets all over the tri-state area. However, he has this feeling as if he is unfulfilled by the job and not helping is his brother Freddie, now played by John Candy, as Freddie shows he has been featured in Penthouse, and his girlfriend dumps him just on the eve of an employee's wedding day. (Show Allen as he greets slowly, getting angry as he snaps at the groom's brother as the groom's brother just says Hi to Allen. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And under different circumstances, Tom Hanks would've been fired because that was the Director's brother he just reamed out. Just saying it's not good to just snap like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Drinking himself onto the bar Allen waxes philosophical about his life and decides to go to Cape Cod for some unknown reason. Making it to Massachusetts, he comes upon Dr. Walter Kornbluth, played by Eugene Levy, and wow, looking at him now, he has aged like fine wine! I digress, Kornbluth's employees direct Allen to a man named Fat Jack whose boat conks out in the middle of the bay. Fat Jack swims back as Allen gets the ship started, and Allen forcibly jumps ship as the ship jumps him. Allen then finds himself on an island with a very pretty young woman played by Darryl Hannah and (Show Darryl as James' smiling face covers her butt. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so let's go over this little moment. When this movie came to Disney Plus, they decided to use the cut that was syndicated and added some more editing, like covering Darryl Hannah's tuchus, and fans were not too happy about this, especially since the movie on Digital and DVD saw Darryl's butt, and they also slipped in Darryl's nipples as she swims underwater, and she showed her body in all her glory back in 1984, and no one back then was shocked and stupid enough to be told: "Be Offended" because we could handle it then and some people can still handle it now, I think(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Darryl Hannah's character soon reveals herself to be a mermaid to the audience as Dr. Kornbluth suffers comedically at the hands of his helpers spots Darryl in her mermaid form as she finds Allen's wallet and, using old school maps, heads to Liberty Island as the tour guide gives his group more than the statue. (Show clip of the tour guide as he talks about the statue until he sees Darryl Hannah in the buff and says naked women everywhere and shouts "BOCCE BALLS!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Imagine the headlines if that happened now! Actually, they'd try to spin it as a protest against eating meat or some type of Pro-Whatever the hell is popular to protest against like actual intelligence or something like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen returns to his job as his brother brings in the head of an entire supermarket chain to see the operations of the distribution when a phone call gets Allen down to the police as he meets Darryl Hannah's character. Now I know the character's name as does everyone else but for the sake of the story, I won't reveal it until the movie does. But I digress, Allen and Darryl Hannah's character spends the rest of the day and night getting to know each other again and again. While that's happening, Dr. Kornbluth discovers the news of what happened on Liberty Island, where he talks to an old professor friend and plans to expose Darryl Hannah's character. The following day Allen goes into work as Darryl Hannah's character goes to Bloomingdale's to get herself some wardrobe. Allen comes home early to surprise her until Carlton, Your Doorman, tells Allen she sent her to Bloomingdale's, where she breaks her silence, and we find out who the smelt she is! (Cut to the clip of Darryl Hannah's character speaking in Dolphin chirps which shatter the Televisions as it cuts to James physically as his glasses break as well.)

TLOTA:
Well, it's a good thing I keep spares (James gets his replacement glasses out as it cuts to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Realizing Allen can't repeat that He and Darryl Hannah's character decide to give her the name Madison, and since this movie succeeded, girls have been getting that name. Anyway, Madison tells Allen that she has six days before returning home, and the two better make the best of their situation and guess what I found in the background in one shot! A movie theater that is showing the original "Evil Dead",  and that was cool to see or as one man would say "Groovy!". But I digress, that night Madison decides to give herself a moment to let her tail out and soak, which somehow triggers Allen to wake up leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen as he tries to figure out why Madison is in the tub. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison accidentally bump into Dr. Kornbluth, who tries to expose Madison when he finds himself in danger from a couple that looks like Allen and Madison. (Show clip of Dr. Kornbluth getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James physically as he cringes)

TLOTA:
I'm not a doctor, but yeah, I would be making my last will and testament after a beating like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While Dr. Kornbluth recovers from that Allen and Madison go on another date as Allen shows one of his favorite fountains in the park as he exposits about what happened to him when he was eight and Madison plays dumb as to knowing that Allen and her met when they were kids. The next day Allen and Freddie talk about going to a formal dinner event with The President Of The United States and Allen decides to take Madison. Freddie and Allen play racquetball and discuss his relationship with Madison and believe it or not when Freddie serves and clocks himself stupid, that took one take! Later that day, Allen is surprised when the fountain from the park is delivered to his living room! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! (Cut to Madison telling Allen she sold her necklace to get him that fountain because she loves him. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Ask a good question, get a good answer! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That night Allen and Madison decide to head to a fancy restaurant where Madison orders Lobster as Allen tries to figure out how to make this blooming relationship work. Oh and Fun Fact, Due to Darryl Hannah's vegetarianism, that lobster wasn't Lobster, it was crust filled with bread, hearts of palm, tofu, potatoes, and spaghetti. Some fun little facts to know about this movie while I review this. After that Allen and Madison go ice skating and Allen goes for the ultimate play for Madison and asks for her hand in marriage. Madison reluctantly says that can't happen and as it has become the trope, the couple finding themselves hitting a rough patch. The next morning after a night of contemplation, Madison decides that Allen is worth breaking the rules and would be glad to Marry Allen as Dr. Kornbluth finds them again only to meet with yet another Doppelganger couple which leads to, You know. (Sounds of multiple punches are heard as the scene cuts to black. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For the love of Peat Moss, you can stop now he is now two-thirds broken bones! Any more of a beating and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen remembers the dinner with the President and takes Madison as his date. That night even though he should be in traction and knocked out until doomsday to heal, Kornbluth decides to crash the President's party and it's there that Madison's secret is revealed. (Show clip of Madison's tail being revealed and Kornbluth screams "BEHOLD THE MERMAID!" cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison are taken by the government as Kornbluth's superior Dr. Ross decides to take the lead on the experiments on Madison as they throw Allen back to his place thinking he wasn't really worth the time to take. Freddie tries to shield Allen from the fallout and here we get development from Freddie as Allen bemoans what he feels is yet another failure of a relationship. Freddie tells Allen to wake up and smell the fricking Tartar sauce! After a day of contemplation on Allen's part and regrets on Kornbluth's end, the two meet as after all the guilt at the dentist's office to fix Kornbluth's teeth as Kornbluth injects himself with Novocaine in his leg. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Just be glad that the nitrous oxide wasn't available. (Show the clip from "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" episode "EYETOOTH" as Will, Carlton, and William Shatner are hopped up on Nitrous Oxide. and from "Lethal Weapon 4" dentist scene the scene. Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kornbluth tells Allen that he can get into see Madison which leads Allen to come up with an idea that is so crazy it has to work as Kornbluth takes them in as Swedish Scientists! The three make their way to Madison as Allen enacts the second part of his plan which is to switch Freddie with Madison leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen and Kornbluth taking an unconscious body out of the lab and the two making tracks! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Dr. Ross comes in as the rouse is discovered as Freddie is arrested and brings every-friggin' person with a badge and a gun to catch Madison, Allen, and Kornbluth! Kornbluth decides he's caused enough trouble and decides to sacrifice himself to give Allen and Madison the time to get away further which ends with Kornbluth (Show clip of him falling and hurting himself saying "WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Barely making it out of the movie in traction! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen and Madison make it to a jetty as the two quickly discuss what to do next. Madison tells Allen that she was the little girl he saw at Cape Cod and if he goes with her he'll be safe but can never return. Having to choose between keeping her safe or being with her forever, Allen chooses the worst of the two evils by letting her go. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I have to say I understand making that sacrifice. I mean, there were times when I was in a relationship and I felt that if given a second chance, there would be some women I was with better off not knowing I existed or if they did know I existed I didn't make the decision of pursuing a relationship at all because at some point there are women who regretted being with me and even though they went through troubles and came out the other end of their troubles in better shape and in better relationships, it didn't mean I was doing well. Hell if I knew things were going to end the way they did in my previous relationships, I WOULD BE EVEN LESS INCLINED TO FRIGGIN  START ANY RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD! WOULD THAT MEAN I WOULD BE A HERMIT BOUND TO MY HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO I WOULD'VE HURT IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE IT MEANS MORE THAT I NEVER HURT ANYONE, EVEN IF I WIND UP HAPPY I WILL TELL YOU IT WOULD COST ME IN THE LONG RUN BECAUSE SOME POOR SCHMO WOULD MISS OUT ON A GOOD FRIGGIN THING! GAAAAAAH! (James relaxes and breathes as he calms down.) Wow, my first rant of the year. Felt good to get it out of me. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Madison hits the water as Navy Swim teams try to intercept her escape, leading Allen to dive in to rescue her and stop the Navy Swim team from capturing Madison and Allen,  the movie ends with our happy couple living together in the ocean heading to an undersea kingdom. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was Splash! It was cute, romantic, funny, dramatic and it is so worth the time to watch. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is one of those perfect time capsules that just seem timeless. Everything worked in this movie. It had the right actors in the right roles, the script balanced everything. The fantasy aspects, the romantic aspects, the humorous aspects, the dramatic aspects, and everything ended the right way, even if something went wrong they made that moment work. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out today! ESPECIALLY TODAY AS IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY AND IT IS A GREAT ROMANTIC MOVIE AND SWIMS HEADS AND TAILS ABOVE A LOT OF THE CRAP THAT CALLS ITSELF A ROMANTIC MOVIE THESE DAYS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Phew! It felt good reviewing a good movie on a day like today. So maybe this year is getting better as it goes along. Anything is possible, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

The Powers That Be: Powers "That Shagged"

(Scene begins as James is sitting in his living room.)

James Faraci:
Before continuing The Last Of The Americans' three-month season premiere, I want to send my condolences to Eric Rodriguez, AKA E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster. On January 23, 2022, Marsha Kent Rodriguez died from complications of Covid-19. Eric and Marsha were married for 21 years and shared a cat named Scooter, and Eric, I don't know if Marsha was a comedy fan or snob like you were but I wanted to let you know that even though she is not with you physically, A part of her will be with you forever and as long as you keep her in your thought process, she will never be away from you and I know you have friends and family but if you ever need a friendly ear that had been what you been through, just let me know and I will be there for you as will everyone from my congressional site Manic-Expression.com as well. And if I made any sense, just know Eric, we're with you all the way.

(James fades to black as the scene changes to a gas station in a state in the midwest as a Dodge Charger comes in for a quick fill-up as James and Chad get out to stretch their legs.)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, so I got a set of adjoining rooms at the hotel your associates recommended, so that way I can keep my eyes on you.

TLOTA:
Ah, this is the best place in the country, the small towns, the local BBQs, the people, not an ounce of the problems the rest of the world has. 

Chad Narducci:
James cut me a break. Please give me a place with tall buildings, overpriced coffee, and national supermarket chains. That's the world I want to see.

TLOTA:
Dude, this is the heart of the country and in that dance hall is where we're going to get some real American mojo! (James and Chad run in, and James asks the band if they can do a Bluegrass version of "Soul Bossa Nova" in which the band composed of Paulo Fonseca, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, and Andrew Beach Hollar "YEE-HAW BABY!" and as the band performs everyone gets in step and even Chad gets to enjoy himself while doing some Boot Scootin Boogie as the music continues to its crescendo and Chad lets out a YEE-HAW as the words "The "Powers" That Be" are seen in the same font type as the "Austin Powers" intro and the music ends as James and Chad walk into the hotel with Chad a little tipsier than he lets on.)

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
You know something, you indeed are a good pal! I mean, here I am constantly shitting on you and being a complete asshole, and you are like Teflon!

TLOTA:
Yeah, and you're tanked to the gills

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
But I will say this right now, I (Silence for two seconds) am going to puke all over you.

TLOTA:
Oh no, you don't! OH NO, YOU DON'T! (James grabs Chad as James bends Chad over to puke, then James sets him up so Chad doesn't choke on his vomit and preps the medication to cure him of the eventual hangover. Then walks towards the adjoining room only to see a group of wild and crazy drunk College Girls has decided to use the room. James walks over to the little office nook to work)

TLOTA:
As I said before, the first Austin Powers movie was a moderate success at best at the box office. When it was released on the VHS and burgeoning DVD market, the movie became a cult classic, and with that success, it meant dollar signs that New Line Cinema was more than ready to collect with a sequel, which to many is the best in the franchise. 

(Cut to the opening credit of Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me, then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to which I would have to agree, this is the textbook definition of what a sequel should be. It can capture the original spirit of the first and be its own thing. But for the sake of argument, we will see whether or not it is truly worthy of such acclaim. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time; this is (Vomitous noises are heard) Austin Powers In The Spy Who Shagged Me.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with (Show Star Wars-Esque expositional crawl. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this was around the time The Phantom Menace came out to parody that was unoriginal, sad to say. I mean, it's not like there's other references (Cut to clips of Dr. Evil as he talks about "Death Star" and Scott says "Darth." Cut to James as he grimaces. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Dr. Evil decides to escape from his Big Boy Rocket to torment Austin and Vanessa once again. Speaking of the happy couple Austin and Vanessa are just getting done with another round of "Whoopie" as Austin discovers something isn't kosher about Vanessa. (Show Vanessa as she starts to glitch, then is later revealed to be a Fembot! After Vanessa reveals her machine gun boobs, we cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think the bigger question is, HOW IN THE HELL DID THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE NOT KNOW ABOUT VANESSA? OR IF THEY DID, WHY DIDN'T THEY REPROGRAM HER TO TAKE OUT DR. EVIL?! IT WOULD'VE SAVED THEM THAWING AUSTIN OUT BUT STILL PROBLEM SOLVED!

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Vanessa explodes, leaving only the fresh scent of pine and a slightly charred Austin Powers. After breaking the fourth wall and mourning her momentarily, Austin realizes he's single and can swing again! I wish he had something on to hide the junk except the well-placed props. Hell, even a banana hammock would suffice as the credits roll. We then cut to a NATO Facility in Guam where dated reference number fifty is shown Scott Evil appearing on an episode of Jerry Springer. To his surprise, Dr. Evil returns to a national audience. It goes about as expected for a Jerry Springer Episode! We soon find Austin back in England, where Basil tells Austin they knew Vanessa was a Fembot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so do we discover what happened to the real Vanessa? Will Austin now have to look for her while stopping Dr. Evil's latest nefarious plot? Nope, Vanessa is just tossed out the window after this.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Austin has a photoshoot with someone who works for Dr. Evil. Sadly, it is not Rebecca Romijn; it's actually Ivana Humpalot, played by Kristen Johnston; now I know why she was a recovering alcoholic on "Mom." So as you try to laugh at that, we soon find Dr. Evil at his new base, where we've introduced to possibly the most prominent character known for the series. Mini-Me played by the late Verne Troyer. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those wondering, yes, Mini-Me, who was one-eighth the size of Mike Myers, was the most popular character in the franchise. When the third movie was in production Mike Myers had to meet with a private investigator who handed Mike a letter from George Harrison, and this was after George Harrison had passed away, and in this letter George said how much Austin Powers had made him laugh and wanted a Mini-Me doll! THAT IS HOW INCREDIBLE MINI-ME BECAME! And what I am telling you is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So as Dr. Evil connects with Mini-Me, he concocts not just another plan to take over the world but to take Austin Power's MOJO! Using a time machine, Dr. Evil plans to go back and take the MOJO from Austin back in the 1960s courtesy of his Scottish associate Fat Bastard, played by Mike Myers. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that we're keeping score, Mike is the Hero, Villain, and Henchman in his movie. What's next? Does he play a hero, villain, henchman, and love interest in the next movie? Well, at least we know the role of Fat Bastard is the role that got him the part of Shrek, at least I think so. (Chad wakes up in shock)

Chad Narducci:
Jesus, James, what the hell happened? I took a shot of the local moonshine, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a bed with you next to me. (An awkward silence between the two is felt for five seconds.) Yeah that totally

TLOTA:
Yeah, it did. Don't bother going to your room. It's filled with rowdy college women.

Chad Narducci:
What? I didn't invite any; something isn't right. (Chad opens the adjoining door to show a room full of Shedroids. Chad quickly closes the door in fear.) James, I think we should check out and drive on right now!

TLOTA:
Should I fight you or (James opens the door, stands in shock, then closes it.) Grab everything that isn't nailed down and RUN! (James and Chad get everything, running for their lives as the music from a final event in an Austin Powers movie are heard in the foreground.)

TLOTA (Speeding past the concierge):
Checking out early, Send the bill to Killroy!

Chad Narducci (Speeding past the concierge):
It was all James' fault! (The two get into the car with only a 55 % Charge and bolt out of the parking lot just as the hotel is reduced to rubble due to the implosion. Chad looks back to see the damage)

Chad Narducci:
Just for the record, if the Chief hears about this, let me say that I wouldn't want to be you.

(James gives a glance of evil as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin loses his MOJO at the most inconvenient time as Austin and Basil set up Austin with his time machine to send Austin back to 1969 to recharge the MOJO leading to Austin to ask the questions someone would ask until he was cross-eyed. But thankfully, Basil must be a British fan of MST3K as he says it's just an adventure, and Austin should relax and enjoy the trip. Austin makes it to his pad just in 1969, where his old dental problem also finds him there. Austin quickly reacclimates to the time as a spy for Dr. Evil tries to kill him. Still, thankfully we're introduced to Austin's new love interest Felicity Shagwell as she turns out to be an agent for the CIA played by Heather Graham and for those who found her performance in "Lost In Space" intolerable, Let me say she's better here than in that one episode show she had on ABC! Oy Vey! Mustafa returns to try and kill the two only to be quickly thwarted by being asked the same question three times in a row! (Cut to James and Chad in the car.)

Chad Narducci:
That's not annoying!

TLOTA:
Oh really?

Chad Narducci:
No

TLOTA:
Oh Really?

Chad Narducci:
No!

TLOTA:
OH REALLY?

Chad Narducci:
YES! YES, IT IS ANNOYING, ESPECIALLY FROM A DICKHEAD IN A CAR WHOSE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS COULD SOLVE A TON OF PROBLEMS!

TLOTA:
And Cause a global killing device should the technological advancements fall into the wrong hands. You didn't think about that, did you? Guess not

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Back at Dr. Evil's Volcanic Lair, Fat Bastard comes in with Austin's MOJO in his possession and well(Dr. Evil takes a sip of Austin's MOJO and finds Frau Farbissina attractive, leading the two to go wild with each other during the Volcano's eruption. Cut to James and Chad with Chad looking like he's seen the most disgusting sex scene in his entire life.) 

TLOTA:
Chad? CHAD?! Great, he's waiting for the rest of the scenario to play out. That's not even the most disturbing part about this scenario; the rest will happen later on down the line in this movie.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Felicity soon find themselves going over the crime scene briefly as we then find ourselves in yet another montage about Swinging London, probably to help recharge the Mojo and for Austin to tell Felicity about the future he's seen and to have a moment where both Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach play a jingle while the couple gets close. The next morning after a sex scene that would make Tommy Wiseau toss his cookies, we get a good joke set-up and the immediate payoff involving Dr. Evil, Frau Farbissina, and of Course Scott! (Show clip of Frau Farbissina saying she's pregnant in her own way, and Scott arrives. Cut to James and Chad in the car as Chad, still somewhat in shock, puts it all together.)

Chad Narducci:
It works out timeline-wise, and it also means that at least there's nothing as wrong.

TLOTA:
There's something that will make both of us blow our chow later. (A ringtone is heard) One moment. (James punches in a code, and an image of Chief Development appears.)

Chief Development:
Hello, Agent 428, Chad. I just received the bill from what happened a few states ago. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
This one is going to be on Chad. He had a little of the local moonshine, and next thing I know, we're running for our lives and having to tell the Front Door Agent the code to get everyone out before the building went kaboom! 

Chad Narducci:
Now, wait for a second, the guy at the front door was an agent? (Cut to Chief Development.)

Chief Development:
Of Course, how else can we keep our eyes on our agents if we don't have secondary agents to inform us? But that's not important; We just received this message from Dr. Vile. It would be best if you watched it. (The screen cuts to Dr. Vile, looking like Blofeld from the recent Bond films, as played by Ed Champion)

Dr. Vile:
Greetings II-DOD! I'm sure Agent 428 may have survived his death. (The Screen cuts to Chief Development.) if so, I will be waiting in Hollywood, if that Dodge Charger can last another day or so.

Chief Development:
I hope you realize the gravity of what's going on. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
I know the gravity of it. unfortunately, we will have to find a place where we can charge the Charger and not be around others. (Cut to Chief Development)

Chief Development:
There is a place nearby; however, I think your friend might mind a night in a park. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
I'll be fine. (Chad shuts off the screen) II-DOD?

TLOTA:
International Independent Departments of Defense. (Chad says Oh! As the two continue to drive. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin discovers the way Fat Bastard took the MOJO. Worried he might not be as good as he once was with it, Austin goes out for a drive to clear his head. Meanwhile, Basil contacts Felicity to track Fat Bastard and insert a homing device.

Chad Narducci (V.O.):
But how will she do it to find Fat Bastard, and Where will she, OH NO! OH GOD, PLEASE NO! (Show clip of Fat Bastard and Felicity in the same bed. Cut to James and Chad as they've set up for the night and have to think of what Felicity and Fat Bastard did and proceed to vomit for a whopping five minutes straight. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of God Save Humanity! Dr. Evil tells us his plan to turn the moon into a weapon that doubles as a Star Wars reference, and Scott shut him down. Meanwhile, Felicity tells Austin that she found Fat Bastard, leaving out details that made me and Chad toss our cookies; thank god, as they take a sample of Fat Bastard's poop, find Dr. Evil's Volcano Lair and Austin, well, yeah, I'm just going to censor what happens for the sake of good taste. (Show heavily edited clip of Austin drinking Fat Bastard's poop! Cut to the rest of the movie.) So after that, Dr. Evil contacts the President to tell him either pay my ransom or kiss Washington D.C. off the map, all while Mini-Me is having a little ride on the Lazer and Scott telling him why his references aren't making any sense to anyone but him. Austin and Felicity make their way to the island and camp out for the night as they set up a shadow routine they'll recycle in the next movie to save a gag. Speaking of gag, hang onto your gag reflex; our heroes are captured as Fat Bastard tells Austin about him in Felicity in full detail. Just as that happens, our heroes are taken into a cell over a slow death where again Scott points out the obvious and like before Austin and Felicity escaped. Dr Evil and Mini-Me head for the moon as does Austin and Felicity. However as Austin and Felicity hitch a ride of Apollo 11, Dr. Evil's Spaceship is shaped like a (Cut to the "Shape" of Dr. Evil's ship joke. Cut to James as he is about to say something as Chad says "WEINER!")

TLOTA:
I get that you don't like me, but calling me a Weiner? That seems even more childish than usual, even by your standards.

Chad Narducci:
No, I'm trying this Weiner Weinerschnitzel; you need to try a bite. Oh, and you need to see this Rocketship; it is shaped like someone's

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as the General says "Johnson." Cut to the rest of the movie as  James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So now we got that out of the way; Austin and Felicity split up as Austin fights Mini-Me in a one-sided fight in Mini-Me's favor until Austin flushes him into the depths of Space! Just as Dr. Evil prepares the Lazer, he also takes Felicity hostage. Austin stops the Lazer but at the cost of Felicity, vowing vengeance, Austin plans to put Dr. Evil down like the animal he is; however, Dr. Evil, in a unique twist, helps Austin out by suggesting he use the time portal and rescue Felicity and stop the Lazer which works out for Austin to save the day. As for the MOJO! (Cut to the clip of the Mojo being destroyed.) So yeah, even after stopping the Lazer and rescuing Felicity, the Mojo is gone, and so is the base. Felicity wants to go back to 1967; however, Austin convinces her there's more that happens in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s for the most part. Austin and Felicity come to the present day, but Fat Bastard comes for the ride as well, and Felicity quickly stops him faster than I can say, Judo-YEOWCH! As Austin celebrates with Felicity, Dr. Evil gets away to fight Austin Powers another day in his Spaceship shaped as (Cut to the ending spaceship joke about Dr. Evil's ship looking like a Penis and Dr. Evil saying, "I'm going to get you, Austin Powers! I'm going to get you" as Dr Evil and Mini-Me chuckle manically, then we see mid-credit scenes of Scott discovering who his mom is and Austin knowing his MOJO is recharged. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the second Austin Powers movie, and it is better than the first by quite a bit. (Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It was the most commercially and critically successful of all three, and you can tell that Mike Myers and everything Austin Powers was just at their peak. A lot of it comes from smashing expectations of what to expect in a comedy like this and how to develop the characters without changing everything about them. The story had excellent progression, and the humor was as good as the first one, even though some of the jokes fell flat. The action is more coherent. Everything that didn't work in the first movie worked here. If you haven't seen it, I strongly suggest checking this one out. It may just be the best movie in the entire trilogy. (Cut to James and Chad as they finished packing up in the Charger.)

TLOTA:
And next time, we'll see what comedic gold will be mined from one more trip into the world of Austin Powers. For now, Chad and I are heading out to find Dr. Vile and rescue the woman I love. Until then, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and you know the rest. Alrighty then, Chad, let's get going. You know it's a shame that (James continues to pontificate as Chad looks and sees the forest, the lake, the clear blue skies, and smiles, finally seeing how James looks at the American countryside as peaceful and serene.) Chad! CHAD! CHAD! (Chad snaps back and looks at James) Were you even listening to a syllable of what I said? 

Chad Narducci:
Nope, just looking at the forest for the trees. (Cut to James as he looks at the ground and then looks up and chuckles as he closes the door. The car drives out of the park.)

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Oh, before I forget, I set the lock timer just as I finished cleaning up the camper.

TLOTA (Audio only):
Lock timer?

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Don't campers in parks like this have lock timers so that the help can come in for the next renter of a camper?

TLOTA (Audio only):
Campers don't have lock timers! CAMPERS DON'T HAVE LOCK TIMERS! (A loud explosion is heard and shown as the scene cuts to black as James shouts out "CHAD!")

In Defense of... Capt. Katherine Janeway and "Star Trek: Voyager"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours and Welcome to another edition of "In Defense Of..."(Show pics of maligned pieces of pop culture while the fanfare from the Olympics  play and James comes up after Vanilla Ice slides back and his right-hand thumbs up and the words "In Defense Of..."  before cutting to clips of "Star Trek: Prodigy" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Last year was Star Trek's fifty-fifth anniversary and to celebrate "Paramount+" the official streaming service of Paramount gave its audience a new season of "Star Trek: Discovery", a preview of the second season of "Star Trek Picard" and a new animated series called "Star Trek: Prodigy" and one of the selling points to the series to entice the audience to check out "Prodigy" was the return of Captain Janeway played by Kate Mulgrew. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to many fans of Star Trek who remember her and "Voyager" both are not remembered fondly. Partly due to the fact that the creative staff was burned out from "The Next Generation", "Deep Space Nine" and the movies that were happening at that time, and the fact they had no clue how to handle the series properly. So they literally left the cast to handle the series and there would be some pretty big problems when it came to the series. But did the series deserve the disdain? Let's go over the plot of the series. (Cut to clips of "Star Trek: Voyager" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Hurdled deep into the Delta Quadrant a combination of Starfleet, Maquis, and a few Delta Quadrant species, the Voyager now must make their way back to the Alpha Quadrant while taking on different creatures and old foes like the Borg. Now if this doesn't feel like a Star Trek series, well, to be honest, it could've been a knockoff of a Sci-fi series. However, because the series has the Star Trek title hanging on it there had to be some effort in something. While the first few seasons were touch and go on the concept of these different crews and creatures trying to come together, it really needed some help. I mean in one episode both Lt. Paris and Capt. Janeway was reduced to Alligator lovers for crying out loud. We had to deal with a combination of Tuvok and Neelix! And trust me I've heard every joke and attack about Neelix having been done and over with and I am glad he found his home and his people so welcoming after seeing so much on board the Voyager. The looking at different creatures part may have been tough but at least with some of the designs they were trying to make new aliens when the story needed it and keeping the ideas fresh was a struggle but they tried the best they could. I wasn't against the idea of the series, I was just burned out from having to deal with the events of the movies, "DS9" and the oversaturation of the reruns. I mean, the return of the Borg after "First Contact" was a great ongoing threat for the crew as were the interactions between again the Maquis though it was a moot point. Overall, the series as a concept was not a bad one, if the plan was to try and see if the ideals of the Federation and Starfleet could be upheld while working with those the Federation considered their nemesis and having to work with them to get back to the worlds they left behind. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now onto the thoughts of the fans who had all these things to complain about with the series. (Cut to clips of "Star Trek: Voyager" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
"Why didn't the crew of the Voyager use the wormhole that would take the team to Bajor?" Okay, let me say the following about the wormhole, or as the fans call it "The Celestial Temple Of The Prophets Of Bajor" leads into the Gamma quadrant! The Voyager is in the Delta Quadrant! Totally different sections of outer space. "Star Trek" has never set the borders of where the quadrants are and even if the Voyager were to make it to the Gamma quadrant they'd have to deal with the Dominion an even more implacable enemy than the ones in the Delta Quadrant, so it's safe to say the Voyager was better off staying in the Delta Quadrant and not getting involved in the Dominion War. "Everyone seemed to want to kill Harry Kim!" Oh boy, poor Harry Kim as performed by Garrett Wang apparently got the short end of the stick, but after watching the series, he had his fair share of moments where he got into trouble or had a bullseye on him because the plot says so. He's not as bad as most people have claimed him to be nor was he the walking Red Shirt waiting to die in the series. "Neelix is annoying" Neelix as performed by Ethan Phillips was believed to be the last of his species after something called A Metron Cascade. It isn't until the fourth to the final episode that he found a settlement of his people he decided to leave Voyager. And to the biggest complaint, "Captain Janeway was the worst captain in the history of Starfleet!" (Cut to James sputtering)

TLOTA:
I'm sorry but have you been thrown 75 light-years away from everyone? Have you had to team up with people your employer says "The People you're with now are our enemy"? Have you ever had to try and uphold the concept of Starfleet without Starfleet who are now several quadrants away? Captain Janeway had to do that. (Cut to clips of "Star Trek: Voyager" as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to me, it was admirable that she was able to do so with the grace, dignity, and composure a Starfleet Captain should embody, even those who kneel at the altar of Captain Kirk should do kneel at Janeway's altar. While yes writing-wise she had been made to be emotionally distant or someone who has been pushed to a point where things were difficult, the fact she was able to maintain control over every situation thrown her way and stay focused on the statement of Starfleet which is to explore strange new worlds, seek out new lives and civilizations, and to boldly go where no one has gone before and the added wrinkle of getting everyone home. She had a lot on her plate and she leaned on Chakotay played by Robert Beltran a lot to help her stay the course. Yet in spite of that, fans still hate her, is it because she's a female captain? This series is set in the future where it doesn't matter what your gender or sexual preference is and you'd still be accepted. This is set the future where everyone and everything is equal and yet a female Captain is still foreign to your sensibilities. Then there is obviously something wrong with your sensibilities when it comes to being open-minded about females in command of starships, especially since one of the new Star Trek series has an adopted sister of Spock, Michael Burnham, who is a female and as of the past couple of seasons has become the Captain of The Discovery as had the former Captain of the Discovery played by Michelle Yeoh. So while you may be of the mindset of the first being the worst, if that's the case then you've never fully seen the original Star Trek series or the first movie of the Star Trek Franchise and you certainly aren't truly behind what Star Trek is about. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I can love "Star Trek" and enjoy both "The Orville" and the "Star Wars" franchises. I can enjoy "The Lord Of The Rings" movies and still think "The Hobbit" movies aren't that good and you can disagree with me, that's fine, you're allowed not to agree with others as long as we can find some common ground, I don't mind you not liking what I like. But this is one of those times where I have to put my foot down and say "Yes, Captain Katherine Janeway does not deserve the hate she has gotten from Star Trek fans! (Cut to clips of Captain Janeway as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And while the new series has done some damage control, I think she doesn't deserve it. Captain Janeway is an awesome character and was a reason why "Voyager" is a worthy series in Star Trek's lore. If you are looking for a good continuation of "The Next Generation" and if you have seen it and after hearing what I have said you decide to look at Katherine Janeway and Star Trek: Voyager differently may be one of the best things to happen to this series because it deserves a second chance from everybody. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that's my opinion.

The Powers That Be: "International" Powers

 (The Scene begins as James stands at his desk, looking pensive; as he looks over his desk, there is a knock on the door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So, are you okay with starting another year?

TLOTA:
I feel as if I’ve gotten stale, that I have become so inflexible that I’ve outlived myself. I think I’ve become a joke! (Audio of Chad shouting, “You’ll get no disagreement from me!”)

TLOTA & Julia Alexa Miller (In Unison):
SHUT UP, CHAD!

TLOTA:
I need something to get me in the right mind frame, but I don’t. Wait, I GOT IT! ORAC! Play the music! (The 1994 American Gladiators theme starts to play as James gets irritated.) NOT THAT ONE! THE ONE WITH THE MOJO! ( “Soul Bossa Nova” plays in the foreground as James’ feet start to get into the groove, and he asks Julia Alexa Miller to join him, and Julia Alexa Miller begins to join James in dancing  as the music starts to get into the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as James and Julia continue to dance and are soon joined by members of Team TLOTA as they dance throughout the studio as the music continues to its crescendo James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as James gets into his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Ladies and Gentlemen, for the next three months, we’re going to need all the Mojo we can muster; as you can tell by the intro, We’re going to be dealing with a trilogy paying homage to the classic spy genre, thanks to SNL alum Mike Myers! (Cut to clips of the “Austin Powers” trilogy and other Mike Myers movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And please keep in mind this trilogy was made when he was at the height of his post-SNL popularity as movies that starred Mike was okay at best. Yes, Wayne’s World was funny, and its sequel was okay at best. However, after a drought of good movies and a few personal setbacks, it appeared Mike was done. That is until one night, as he was coming home one day from Hockey practice, one night when the Dusty Springfield song “The Look Of Love” from the Peter Sellers OO7 take of Casino Royale played as Mike came up with the character. That song helped inspire the movies I will be looking at starting today. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s get started with Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in 1967 outside of Las Vegas as a supervillain summons his assassins who failed to kill someone named Austin Powers. Not liking their failures, he roasts them! Literally! Sparing only a killer and scientist named Mustafa, played by Will Ferrell, and Frau Farbissina, played by Mindy Sterling, to help him kill Austin Powers. We meet Austin, performed by Mike Myers as he performs a musical opening as he does his Mojo that he knows so well. We also meet his partner in the time of the first movie Mrs. Kensington played by Mimi Rodgers as Basil Exposition, played by Michael York well exposits that Dr. Evil is setting a trap for Austin and Austin’s move is to, as Obi-Wan Kenobi said best in “Revenge Of The Sith.”

 (Cut to the clip of Obi-Wan as he says “Spring The Trap.” Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin soon finds the hitman sent by Doctor Evil and confronts Dr. Evil as he prepares to freeze himself to when Austin’s style of living is considered obsolete. We soon cut to the year 1997 as Dr. Evil’s ship, which looks like the Big Boy as it touches back down in the same desert in Las Vegas. This incident gets on the radar of NORAD, which leads a general to go to London and find Austin. Well, he had decided if his enemy was going to freeze himself, Austin would follow suit. What happens next is something you need to see. (Show Austin’s defrosting process as he wakes up and as it comes to him the toilet as he urinates. We cut to James as he makes a sandwich and a drink for himself as James comes back to his office; James looks at the fact that Austin is still urinating. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Okay, Austin’s bladder must have the same power as Crow’s guitar solo in the MST3K episode “The Dead Talk Back!” (Cut to Crow as he plays his Solo on the electric guitar as everyone around him does everything else. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin now teams up with Mrs. Kensington’s daughter to help him defeat Dr. Evil. We meet Vanessa, played by Elizabeth Hurley, who has made some deal to look as good as she does now! (Cut to James physically as Chad shoves him aside)

Chad Narducci:
NO WAY, FARACI! There is NO WAY that Elizabeth Hurley looks as good as (Show a recent picture of Elizabeth Hurley. Cut back to Chad.) I will shut up and let you get back to work. (Chad walks out, James dusts himself off, and gets back in his seat.)

TLOTA:
Thanks for adding nothing, Chad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets his effects from storage as we soon cut to Nevada as Dr. Evil is revived, as has his cat, but not without complications. (Show Mr. Bigglesworth having no hair on him, and Mustafa is tossed into a pit of fire! Cut to see Dr. Evil’s as he deals with Mustafa then to James in his office)

TLOTA:
Admittedly, when I saw this for the first time, I had no idea how to react. So now, knowing that Mike Myers played both Dr.Evil and Austin Powers was a good idea, but if you saw it the first time, it’d be a bit of a surprise. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
But not as surprising for Dr. Evil to discover he has a son named Scott, played by Seth Green. Amid this, Dr. Evil still has his plan to, that’s right, take over the world (Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says “Oh, Of Course!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) with the help of Frau Farbissina, Random Task, Patty O’Brien and Number 2, played by the incomparable, the dashing, the legendary Robert Wagner. So now that Dr. Evil’s team is together, what is his plan? (Cut to Dr. Evil’s plan of destroying the O-Zone, which Number 2 says that it had already been done and solved. Then he changes his plan to try and divorce Prince Charles and Princess Diana, and again, Number 2 says it too has been done already! Finally, everyone decided to hijack a nuclear weapon and drill to the Earth’s core setting off all the Volcanoes and holding the world hostage for 100 Billion Dollars. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I need to take a break to calculate the damage of every single Volcano going off, be right back. (Cut to James on a calculator as he bumps into Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
Oh, hey there, Alex, sorry about that. I got a little distracted.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, that’s 9.23439485142819825159066703 to the tenth power!

TLOTA:
Say again?

Julia Alexa Miller:
I said, you’re alright, James!

TLOTA (Confused):
Yeah, thanks; I’m going somewhere else right now. (James runs to Chad in the lobby as he’s watching a movie.)

TLOTA:
Have you noticed something different with Alex?

Chad Narducci:
Since being with you, what isn’t different.

TLOTA:
Chad! Focus on what I am trying to; what are you watching?

Chad Narducci:
Kingsman: The Secret Service

TLOTA:
Wow, I remember that Church Scene; that was awesome! (James and Chad watch until James feels a gun on the back of his head as he turns to see Julia Alexa Miller with her fingers pointed like a gun.)

TLOTA:
Uh, Alex. What is going on with you?

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I don’t know (Chad hits the pause button, which pauses Julia Alexa Miller. Cut to James and Chad as they look at each other. Chad hits the play button as Julia Alexa Miller talks further. James takes the remote as he hits the Spanish Language Button and the Closed Captions as the words “You two need to relax! Oh my, it appears I have been revealed. I’m not the real Alex, and now I have to kill the two of you. ”are shown under her. James and Chad try to fight her off as Julia Alexa Miller’s face is ripped off, and she is shown to be a robot!)

Chad Narducci:
What is the name of all that is sane and decent going on?!

TLOTA:
Just as I thought! It’s a Shedroid!

Chad Narducci:
A WHAT?!

(A Voice coming out of the Shedroid):
Oh, your associate doesn’t know about your past; I, Dr. Vile, have the real Julia Alexa Miller, and now you won’t have time to rescue her! (Cut to the Shedroid’s eyes as a timer countdowns. Cut to James and Chad)

TLOTA:
HIT THE DIRT! (James and Chad fall to the ground as the Shedroid explodes. James and Chad stand up covered in explosive residue, and Chad’s hair has lit up in one lock, and James says in a Sotto voice, “Dude, You’ve got,” and James wets a couple of his fingers and puts the fire out.)

Chad Narducci:
So, Now what? You move on; I go back to California with her stuff and my stuff, and you(a silence lasts for two seconds) aren’t going to let this go!

TLOTA:
DAMN STRAIGHT! ORAC! (Cut to a wall panel with a keypad as James enters a code.) Contact the organization! Have them reactivate my clearances and see if we can get Chad clearances.

Chad Narducci:
I’m sorry, but what in the hell is going on here?

TLOTA:
You’re about to find out.

(The Scene cuts to James taking Chad to a corridor as the Trevor Rabin “Get Smart” theme plays in the foreground as James and Chad go through the hallway of doors up to the 0:55-0:56 mark as Chad stops to tie his shoe as the door closes in front of him and James opens the door again)

TLOTA:
Seriously? Come on (James and Chad continue as the next door closes in front of them at the 1:00 mark. James sighs as he says in a sotto voice, “For the love of Peat Moss!” James punches in a code to get through the door to the end of the hallway of doors. As the two walk into a phone booth, the scene fades to black as they both fall through a trap door Chad screaming like a girl, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James and Chad as they land in the lobby of a building.)

Chad Narducci:
Well, at least I landed on something soft!

TLOTA:
GET OFF ME! (Chad shutters at the fact he sat on James as he cleans himself up and rings the bell as the lobby receptionist played by Olivia Horvath looks up as she tries to give the spiel about agents.)

The Lobby Receptionist:
Agent 428! I’ll see if Chief Development will talk with you, but you can continue your review in the guest office for now.

TLOTA:
Thank you, Miss B. Lief (Chad and James come face to face). What? Alex Knew about this

Chad Narducci:
Agent 428?

TLOTA:
Miss B. Lief, please inform my associate of what’s happening around here!

 (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin and Vanessa travel to Nevada to confront Dr. Evil, it’s clear that Austin’s old mentalities aren’t winning over Vanessa as her mind is more set on the mission, and the teeth aren’t helping his cause either. Austin’s teeth is a running gag in this movie and the sequel, which I will talk about next month. But I digress, Scott and Dr. Evil are having parent and son issues, and Dr. Evil isn’t helping to try to be the cool dad. Meanwhile, Austin and Vaness soon get to Las Vegas and meet with Number 2 at a casino at a blackjack table run by Yev Kasim, AKA The Soup Nazi from Seinfeld! In fact, I half expected this to happen. (Cut to the table as The Soup Nazi, played by Eric Kurtzke, is the card dealer, and James asks for a hit, and The Soup Nazi shouts, “You want a hit? NO GAME FOR YOU! NEXT PLAYER!” Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin joins Number 2 in the bathroom, Number 2 disappears through Austin uses the toilet next to a random Tom Arnold Cameo; however, that’s nothing as O’Brien strikes, leading to Austin taking a dump while interrogating the guy, drowning him in the process. As that goes on, Dr. Evil contacts the U.N. and tells them his plan and the ransom, and then we get something so random it blew my mind what happens when the joke about Evil laughter goes on too long. Meanwhile, Vanessa and Mrs. Kensington have a conversation about Austin as Properly placed hand gestures, and props hide Austin’s junk. Vanessa and Austin stake out Virtucon as Austin truly starts to fall for Vanessa. Even getting legendary Burt Bacharach to perform as Austin and Vanessa has a fun Las Vegas montage, which leads Vanessa to succumb to Austin’s charms. We also see Austin having regrets for his relationship with Vanessa’s mom and how it didn’t work out. A communications device goes off while Vanessa sleeps off all the sauce she drank. Austin has to meet with Number 2’s lady friend, and I wish I would kid about the name Alotta Fagina! (Cut to James physically as the secretary knocks on the door to let James know that he and Chad can meet with Chief Development. Chad and James walk through the building as agents played by members of Team TLOTA as they gasp and say, “Agent 428!” James meets up with Chief Development, played by Doug Yaun.)

TLOTA:
Hello Chief, it has been a while.

Chief Development:
Indeed, it has, and who is your associate?

Chad Narducci:
Chad Narducci, producer, developer of entertainment, cameraman, director, and all around the finest in making Internet Entertainment, and I am ready to serve my country by kicking James’ ass.

Chief Development:
Oh yes, I remember that Internet Daytime Talk Show. What in the world were you thinking?

TLOTA:
I was against it all the way, but for the sake of the woman I love, I had to go along with it.

Chief Development:
Speaking of her, we heard that Dr. Vile might have her held in his California stronghold behind the “Hollywood” sign. According to our analysts, Julia Alexa Miller’s kidnapping happened sometime between the opening dance sequence in your review and the time you had in the first third of the movie’s review to take her.

TLOTA:
I take that the tech boys will have my usual equipment ready.

Chief Development:
It will take a while, maybe after your review is over. So head on back to the waiting room and continue with the review.

TLOTA:
Thanks, Chief, come, Chad! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets into Fagina’s penthouse, collects photographic evidence of Project Vulcan, tries to seduce his way out of the penthouse, and successfully does so! (Cut to Vanessa as she blows up about Austin’s indiscretions, Austin realizing he isn’t the hottest man on the planet anymore, and the two reconcile. Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As that happens, Frau Farbissina reveals the Fembots to defeat Austin. However, that takes a back seat as Dr. Evil and Scott decide to undergo therapy as Carrie Fisher plays the councilor, make any jokes about Carrie Fisher, and you’ll be wishing you will be one with the force! Here, Dr. Evil talks about his childhood, which is messed up in many different ways!. (Show Dr. Evil as he talks about having grown up in Belgium and how he had his privates shaved and the audio of James shuddering.) So as you get that thought out of your head of someone ritualistically getting their schnutz shaved. Austin and Vanessa decide to go further into the building as they’ve been discovered; Austin commanders a steamroller, and a guard gets squashed….eventually! They are captured and meet with Dr. Evil and Scott, who doesn’t understand etiquette between Villains and Heroes in Spy movies, who decides to hold the duo over a pit of Sharks with Fricking Laser Beams attached to the top of their heads. (Show the clip of Number 2 telling Dr. Evil that they couldn’t get sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads; instead, they got mutated cannibalistic Sea Bass! Cut to the “Headslapping” clip from “The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult.” Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Austin and Vanessa escape, with Austin staying behind to hold down the fort. Vanessa dons a catsuit and takes a troop of Soldiers left behind by Basil. Austin, meanwhile, is surrounded by Fembots; however, 1960s Spy Mojo is too much for The Fembots as they go Boom just as Vanessa arrives with Austin’s suit. Leading to a good shoot-out in all things considered. (Show clip of Austin and the British Troops as they fight off Dr. Evil’s henchmen and Austin building up dramatic tension when he could’ve pressed the button. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, you could’ve done without holding off until the very last second, just saying there, Cochise! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With Project Vulcan now officially stopped, Austin and Dr. Evil come face to face one last time. However, both show their Trump Cards as Fagina has Vanessa as a hostage and Scott its short-lived hostage as he shoves away at Austin and Vanessa Judo chops Fagina! Dr. Evil escapes into the depths of space in the Big Boy Rocket and sets off a self-destruct sequence. (Show the Spaceballs clips involving the Self Destruction of “Spaceball 1” intercut with the Dr. Evil Nevada base going kaboom! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to Three Months Later as Austin has settled down with Vanessa and fixed his teeth. Basil has news that Vanessa is now a full agent; Austin is to be knighted by the Queen, which won’t happen until later in the series, and Dr. Evil has escaped but will be back. Meanwhile, the Oddjob espy find the love birds and is quickly defeated. After that, Austin and Vanessa decide to do some stargazing when they notice a particular Rocket knowing they haven’t seen the last of Dr.Evil. (Cut to the clip of a half-frozen Dr. Evil saying, “I’m going to get you Austin Powers!” Cut to the ending with the mid-credit scenes and the Ming Tea Music Video. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And that was Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery, and a lot of it holds up. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Even if many of the dated references are even more dated now, it doesn’t work against the movie itself. The comedy still gets a laugh out of me, and the writing bolsters a lot of the movie’s strengths; Mike Myers shows he can be funny in this and show some moments of character. Elizabeth Hurley proved she could parody a lot of what made her well known outside of a relationship she had with a certain someone at the time, and she could act. This movie is worth watching, and I recommend it for the spy spoof lover and a lover of classic James Bond movies. It’s very groovy, indeed! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now with all that I have said, believe it or not, this movie was a moderate success in the box office, and when it hit the home market, it became a more successful movie. (James walks out of the waiting room and to the briefing room with Chad as Chief Development pulls up a computer file.) But we’ll get to that next time; I am about to take care of something right now.

Chief Development:
Just in time, let’s begin the briefing. Dr. Vincent Vile: Adopted after his biological parents were murdered. After reaching puberty, he was shunned because he was different. Being born with two sets of male testicles and a penis that dwarfs Tommy Lee’s in both length and width can do that. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
A guy like that should get the ladies left and right in the adult movie industry! Why did he get into science?

TLOTA:
He was about to tell us, Chad.

Chief Development:
Vincent Vile was shunned in the adult movie industry for that exact reason. He was paid to never appear in an adult movie. He then channeled the money into building a legitimate education and a legitimate business to fund his desires to take over the planet. Agent 428 stopped him multiple times over his career; however you left because this was interfering with private life.

TLOTA:
The adventure wasn’t fun without someone to come home to, and she left me for a man named Dillon, and not long after married and had two kids. She now has a YouTube channel.

Chief Development:
AGENT 428! PLEASE! Since 2008, we believed he had retired; however, two years ago, we discovered he had taken control of the elections just as the President was decided. The 2016 one was not in his power. We have pinpointed his base in the Hollywood sign and everything you require to take him on. (Cut to everyone as they walk to the Weapons and Technical department)

Chief Development:
Your 1969 Dodge Charger, Fully stocked and loaded with the usual accouterments.

Chad Narducci:
HEMI engine?

Chief Development:
This car runs on a hybrid of ordinary gas for minor propulsion and Ionic technology! The downside is that the power cell lasts a few states. Fortunately, The cell takes one night to recharge.

TLOTA:
When do we get started?

Chad Narducci:
What we? (James points at Chad and himself) Uh no, there’s no way I’m (Chad places his hand on the roof as hidden machine guns under the front bumper and multiple rounds are fired, breaking through the glass forcing everyone to run away and duck! James taps on the Keyfob, shutting off the Machine Guns) On second thought, maybe I’m safer with you than I am here with everyone I pissed off!

TLOTA:
Damn Straight! Now get in, Chad! (James and Chad get into the 1969 Dodge Charger. James presses the correct codes to open a tunnel that leads to the Highway to Hollywood.) We’ll keep in touch where we will stop off, and if we’re compromised, you’ll be the first to know.

Chief Development:
Good luck, Agent 428!

(James and Chad hit the road as fire trails are shown. Fade to Black.)

The Top 10 moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2021

  (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. 2021 was a better year, but in comparison to 2019 and 2020, it wasn’t better by much. (Cut to moments from The Last Of The Americans in 2021 as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.):
Between dealing with COVID compliances and having to go bare-bones with both the Number of people in the studio and how many things I could do with who I could get, it was tough. Having to deal with not only with Lucifer but also the return of an enemy that possessed a man who has driven me to quite a few breaking points this year as apparently, he wants to take control of what I’ve been doing, what I want to do, and how it should be done. But still, I can get my workload done. However, things will be more challenging as the next few years go on.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to explain correctly, Here I go! (James pulls out his Morpher and becomes James Faraci)

James Faraci:
To get the support I need for my movie to be done correctly, I am now a student at my local college with my major being in Media Arts, meaning for now, while the movie I had planned isn’t happening now, I don’t care what I have to do, This movie will get made, and I WILL be getting it done, no matter what the cost! But having said that, You have spoken as to what your favorite moments from me this year were, and I’ve got my five so let’s get to “The Top 10 moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2021”

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 10
(Cut to clips of An Arthouse "Head" Trip as James does a voiceover)

10) An Arthouse "Head" Trip

James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was one movie I wanted to talk about because I had heard about this movie and I wanted to get into the history of the subject which was the musical group and TV series behind the movie. I mean the movie is a product of its time and it shows but still, it is one hell of a movie that needed to be discussed and even further evaluated than how I did it. However, if you do decide to review it, understand it may mess with your head for a while. However, as I worked on this countdown Michael Nesmith passed away. So that might make this one a little more topical.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 9
(Cut to clips of "School" Daze" as James does a voiceover)

9) "School" Daze

James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was the first review I did after starting College so I can get my movie done, one way or another, and a lot of the college humor I used to laugh at would now be subject for an episode of "Law & Order SVU". What surprised me though was that people missed the references in the opening and the first third of the review. All that sugar and caffeine was about the same amount Crow had to take to stop from being replaced with a Pod Person Doppelganger in the classic MST3K episode "The Giant Spider Invasion" and because I had to explain it. (Cut to the Clip of The Joker shouting "If you have to explain the joke, THEN THERE IS NO JOKE!". Cut to James physically)

James Faraci:
Exactly

 

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 8

(Cut to clips of "In Defense Of..THE MAN SHOW" as James does a voiceover)

8) In Defense Of... "THE MAN SHOW"

James Faraci (Voiceover):
I had wanted to discuss this series and I had seen the series on both YouTube and TUBI and somehow a lot of the materials are still relevant.  Manliness as I knew it has been deemed obsolete and when they talked about how bad Valentine's day was for guys like me it was Kismet that guys actually agreed with my views on the series. It quickly became one of the best episodes of "In Defense Of..." I've done and in this case was worth all the laughs I got from watching and all the drinks I took from the toast at the end of each episode and the allnighter I did. (Cut to every male reviewer as they chant "Ziggy-Zockie, Ziggy-Zockie, HOI-HOI-HOI!" multiple times before pounding down their drinks.)

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 7

(Cut to clips of the review of the movie "Seeing Double")

7) Fill my eyes with that "Double" Vision

James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was a movie that I had wanted to see and talk about and initially was worried that would not be well received because A) No one knew who in the heck S Club 7/ S Club was nor was any of their music known stateside outside of "Never Had A Dream Come True" which was talked about by Todd In The Shadows in a segment of "One Hit Wonderland". Also, I wondered if Mathew "Film Brain" Buck had heard of the movie, he did, he never saw it and for that matter neither did Todd In The Shadows. I wrote everything down and like how it was with The Blockbuster Buster when I worked on the "Wonder Woman" movie with him, I did all the work, the two just read what was given to them and that is the reason this review is not a crossover with the exception of Mathew and Todd doing some minor improvisations in the script all of it was done by these two hands. But what put this one on the list is the ending which set up the story for the eighth-anniversary review which I had wanted to include an old enemy, The Wicked.  Which made this moment happen. (Show the "It Was Agatha All Along" parody moment) Yeah, everyone, I was the first one to actually parody the "It Was Agatha All Along." moment in Internet Reviewing.  A list-worthy moment if I say so myself.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 6

(Cut to clips of "Reboot Of The View Askewniverse" as James does a voiceover.)

6) "Reboot" of the View Askewniverse

James Faraci: (Voiceover):
Initially, I had planned on a Mortal Kombat 2021 in August, however, I needed some more time to hone the review. Which led me to do a review of something I figured I would talk about eventually however to my surprise Kevin Smith was filming "Clerks III" at the time and I figured if I were to review "Jay And Silent Bob: Reboot" and if he were to see it, I could get a cameo in the movie. I didn't get the cameo but I got a list worthy review as Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes made this entry list-worthy. 

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 5

(Cut to clips of "Artist Therapy" as James does a voiceover.)

5) "Artist" Therapy

James Faraci (Voiceover):
To stave off the insanity that was the first couple of months of this year, I figured I would check out something I have been dying to see, "The Disaster Artist" which would have to be made with COVID compliances. However, when I told people I was planning on reviewing it, Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero wanted in on the review. I told Tommy that I was in charge and he had to listen to what I had to tell him. However, production was insane as Tommy Wiseau had made comments about "The Lumberjack Song" that I am not sharing. Then came the moment in which he tried to tell me how to time my gags in the therapy session when I had to break it into different days as I was allowed only a certain number of people. Then he had to cry about putting on facial prosthetics. It was for half a day that he and Greg had to wear the facial prosthetics! He then went on to ask why we had to film two gags at the same time! The gags he was talking about were the Hallway gag to signify the end of the first half of the review and the end one which had me trying to outrun everyone in the therapy session who wanted me, Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci! And had Tommy not talked at all until he was asked to do his lines. It would've taken minutes. But because he wanted some say in how the scenes were to turn out and he ad-libbed with what he felt was right and Greg had to reign him in, it took HOURS! The filming process dragged for what felt like a month when it was, in fact, a full week, and again with COVID restrictions, I had to limit the time everyone could be there to film. Everyone was willing to knuckle down and told me to power through the worst points in producing this review. It was literally the shoot from hell! Yet we survived and by the grace of God, I finished the review on time and on schedule. A Crazy Film about a crazy cinematic experience and the review that was the most intense experience of my entire career as an internet reviewer!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 4

(Cut to clips of It's a cold & "Cruella" November as James does a voiceover.)

4) It's a cold & "Cruella" November

James Faraci (V.O.):
This one, I actually had outside help when it came to the timing of the jokes in the episodes, and everything else in the review. I actually had Steve Kidd come in and co-write this episode with me! When I decided to do "Cruella"  the initial idea was to make it a talk show ALA how The DC movie "Joker" was like and it would be similar to that. This is where Steve came in and helped. He and I did a lot to make this one work and I have to give Steve the credit for this because he went and took what I did over a finer toothed comb than I did and it really showed. Especially since I had the idea to have the talk show be worse than "Demo Reel"! "DEMO REEL"!  For that talk show to be that bad, things went off the wheels right from the get-go! And for Steve to help make this happen, I had to put this one on the list!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 3 

(Cut to clips of  "Wonder"-ing how many years I've been doing this eight years or "84" as James does a voiceover)

3) "Wonder"-ing how many years I've been doing this eight years or "84"

James Faraci (Voiceover):
To celebrate the eight years I had been doing this I pushed myself to get through the highly awaited sequel to one of the few good movies DC has done in the past decade. When I saw it, I said "It's Review Fodder", the question was how to make it a review that I could put my own stamp on it. So I looked at Pedro Pascal and I remembered him in "Kingsman" and I remembered Kristin Wiig in "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call" and I had been watching the finale of "WandaVision" at the time so a lot of my inspiration came from those moments led to this moment! (Cut to the clip as Team TLOTA, The Blockbuster Buster, Linkara, James, and Julia Alexa Miller as they try and stop "The Wicked" once and for all.) Yeah it's amazing and knowing Chad is now a thorn that James cannot get rid of as he is now a reoccurring character to drive James mad every now and then

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):

Number 2 

(Cut to the clips of the "Cool Like Keanu" Reviews as James does a voiceover)

2) Cool Like Keanu

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Okay, this all started back at the end of my 2020 Holiday Guide, I wanted to let people know that much like everyone that year, it ended on a down note and of course, the only song that would be apropos was the end music of "Batman Returns" like I'm sure most of us had in mind. However "Cool Like Keanu" had me in a quandary. If I played it right and had gone with the original ending, it would've killed my movie right then and there. The Alternate ending would've seen me surviving my self inflicted stabbing only for the Doctor as played by my friend Thorn Winter handing me Emmalina's Amulet, just the final nail in the coffin for my relationship and as for Julia Alexa Miller, she would disappear as Chad Narducci runs up to her and as the audio has him talk to the police we see her emerge on a rock in the ocean as the audio of the officer asking if she was alone. Julia Alexa Miller's last words are "I am" as she spends the rest of her life as a mermaid and my character is alone killing the movie at the end. However, I felt that there had been enough negativity and sadness from 2020 and the best thing I could think of to make everyone feel better is watching a Keanu Reeves movie. I also wanted to purge the darkness of the last year by having to deal with his darkest movie ever and an awesome movie in his resurgence of popularity.

(Cut to the ending of the "Bill and Ted Face The Music"'s review ending as it cuts to James physically)

James Faraci:
Before we go to the number one spot, let's check out some Honorary mentions

(Cut to Different reviews as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (V.O.):

"Good" that's dripping in "Chocolate")
Since I talked about the differences between a Cooking Show and a Cooking Reality Show, that opened the door for me to review a series or at least an episode of a Cooking Show that I loved, and since I still watch "Good Eats", I decided to check out an episode for the possibility for a review. Thanks to Alton Brown's creativity, I was able to do a review of his Halloween Special "The House That Dripped Chocolate" which when I saw the first time scared the crap out of me as much as I learned how to make some confectionary classics. Which has me thinking about revisiting some episodes next year, say around Thanksgiving.

Headin' for a "Hawaiian Wedding")
I had decided as a follow-up to my "In Defense Of... BAYWATCH" to check out the reunion movie and after the first time, I felt a blend of sadness and sorrow. The only things I could equate it to was when Siskel and Ebert had to review the movies "Frozen Assets" and "She's Out Of Control" at the beginning but as I continued on watching, I felt the same loss of joy as Joel and The Bots felt by the time they got to the third act of "Castle Of Fu Manchu" leading me to break down, cry and contemplate my future as "The Last Of The Americans"! I thankfully survived the movie and I was capable to move forward.

My 13 favorite "The Real Ghostbusters" Episodes)
I had heard Phelous and Allison Pregler had gotten engaged earlier this year and as a Wedding present, I had told them that I was going to do a list of episodes of my favorite episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters" and Phelous was going to guest appear in the countdown at key points and it allowed me to rewatch a series that I liked until ABC and Q5 made the series unpalatable which is what led me not to put ANY of those episodes into this list. Now if you enjoyed those episodes, good for you. But those non Q5 episodes were the best the series made and those episodes were the ones that made my list.

Hitting all the right & wrong "Scales")
A couple of years ago, I decided to reward myself for putting up with some rather crazy things with getting "Scales: Mermaids Are Real" and when I first saw it for the most part it was your everyday average straight to DVD fare, that is... until the ending! It was such an "Out of left field" thing to do that it shocked the hell out of me! And this movie was given the Dove Foundation Seal Of Approval! But then again, The Dove Foundation has approved the "Norm Of The North" films and Kirk Cameron's cinematic opuses so take that for what it's worth. But I digress, That ending! The ending in which the character of Siren as played by Emmy Perry and her biological mother played by Hannah Frasier decides to take care of one of the henchmen to the main villain who wasn't going to stop until he got what he came for had led to the moment that ruined all the goodwill and decent moments the movie had up to that point! (Cut to the clip as James screams in fear as the scene of watching Brody being reduced to water then it cuts to "Rob Zombie's Halloween" as Dr. Loomis screams out "WHAT THE HELL?! JESUS CHRIST!". Cut to the moment in which Brody is now a pile of water as James calls the movie sick, Babbles incoherently about what happened and continued to call the movie sick.) Yeah, I didn't hold back because a supposed family-friendly movie about a young girl coming of age and becoming a mermaid quickly turned into a movie about killing to protect a secret, and if you don't, you will meet the same grizzly fate the character of Brody did! So even though it took me some time to get to it, I reviewed it. However, I was disappointed with myself because originally I had planned on making this a crossover with The Captivating Christian Chris T. Ian! When he didn't call me back, I knew flying solo was the only way for me to go. (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to water as James screams in fear and hides.)

 

(Scene fades to black as James' scream echos in the blackness. The scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
And The Number One Best moment of 2021 is 

(Cut to clips of “The Different Cuts of Superman The Movie” review as James does a voiceover)

1) The Different Cuts of Superman The Movie

James Faraci (V.O.):
To me, this was the one set of Different Cuts that I wanted to do with only one person who loved the original Christopher Reeve movie and that man is James Daniel Walsh, the boss of Manic-Expression.com! I had told him of the idea and he loved it. We worked out the details of the "Different Cuts" and basically when I read his parts in the review, I knew that this was reviewing gold! I knew that for this one I had to be on my A-Game, especially when it came to the subject matter. So when I discovered that there were three different versions of the same movie, I trusted my judgment to let James Daniel Walsh take the lead and when it came out everyone loved this, and became one of the best episodes of "The Different Cuts" I have done so far, and I got a chance to talk about one of my favorite movies all three versions, Warts and All. Plus I got a chance to talk briefly about a fan cut that should be released for public consumption through Warner Brothers. However, as I finished working on this episode of The Different Cuts,  Richard Donner died! Well, ain't timing a pain in the tuchus. In spite of all that, this was for all intent and purposes the best moment for The Last Of The Americans in 2021. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he walks out looking annihilated saying who he is and falling down. Cut to James Daniel Walsh as he whistles the Superman Theme. Cut to James in his office.)

James Faraci:
What's gonna happen in 2022 besides me turning 40, celebrating nine years of doing The Last Of The Americans, continuing my college education, and if by some grace of God I make the movie? Quite a bit, I might even get another Summer Retrospective in, if I have the time.  But in order for that to happen (James pulls out his Morpher and morphs into The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
It's time to get the mojo going with a lot of Powers! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans saying "OH BEHAVE!"