Life's a "Splash"

(0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words "The Last Of The Americans" on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's go back to 1984; Ron Howard has been gone from "Happy Days" for four years and directed a whopping two movies. One before his departure and one afterward. Both became eventual Cult Classics, but Ron needed a hit movie. Tom Hanks is a struggling actor himself, and Disney was (dubbed by an emotionless computer as James starts to open his mouth but closes it as the dubbing begins): Doing fine but could've used a little more of the Disney magic to make the world a Fluffy Cloud of Happiness while starting to engage the more mature audience as we tried with our classic movie "The Black Hole" which we admit we could've toned the darkness down, but trying to. (The dubbing continues to be jingoistic to say everything was great with Disney as James gets up and finds the person and the program and proceeds to bash it into bits with the dubbed voice trying to scream G-Rated curse words. James walks back to his chair) Now as I was trying to say, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks needed to be in a successful movie, with Howard in the Director's chair and Hanks in the lead after a short-lived series was canceled. John Candy was trying to break into the American while being a part of SCTV and Darryl Hannah was a hot, young ingenue trying to show she could act, and Disney was in the toilet! It took literal hands of fate and the formation of a production/distribution company within Disney for one movie to succeed and start a new life for what would become the mouse-eared r----! Play the opening thought; I'll be back. 

(Cut to the title scene of Splash, then to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Splash, released in 1984 as the first movie produced and distributed through Touchstone Productions, a homemade Disney Subsidiary and was considered a risk for a company that had fallen on hard times that needed something different to revive it. This Director had no real success as did their leading man who was in a short-lived sitcom and a cast that was a mix of eager new talent, a sense that they were going to change perceptions, and their determination to succeed. Splash has stood the test of time as possibly the best Romantic Comedy ever made. But what was it about the movie that made it a success? Well, today, we're going to look over it and find out for ourselves and see how it has become a pop-culture staple to this moment with subtle references in tv series, other movies, and web series. (Cut to James as he wipes schmutz and sweat mixed with mucus and blood off his fists) 

TLOTA:
And seeing as this is Valentine's Day, it'd be a perfect movie to review. So let's dive into Splash!  

(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens in 1964 as the Bauer family is enjoying a family trip on a boat in Cape Cod as young Freddie is punished. While dealing with Freddie, young Allen decides he's gonna go for a swim! (Cut to young Allen as he jumps, and The Eleventh Doctor shouts "GERONIMO!" Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen notices a young girl around his age as he's pulled back into the boat. We then cut to twenty years later as Allen, now played by Tom Hanks, as Alan has taken over the family business of distributing fresh produce for Supermarkets all over the tri-state area. However, he has this feeling as if he is unfulfilled by the job and not helping is his brother Freddie, now played by John Candy, as Freddie shows he has been featured in Penthouse, and his girlfriend dumps him just on the eve of an employee's wedding day. (Show Allen as he greets slowly, getting angry as he snaps at the groom's brother as the groom's brother just says Hi to Allen. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And under different circumstances, Tom Hanks would've been fired because that was the Director's brother he just reamed out. Just saying it's not good to just snap like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Drinking himself onto the bar Allen waxes philosophical about his life and decides to go to Cape Cod for some unknown reason. Making it to Massachusetts, he comes upon Dr. Walter Kornbluth, played by Eugene Levy, and wow, looking at him now, he has aged like fine wine! I digress, Kornbluth's employees direct Allen to a man named Fat Jack whose boat conks out in the middle of the bay. Fat Jack swims back as Allen gets the ship started, and Allen forcibly jumps ship as the ship jumps him. Allen then finds himself on an island with a very pretty young woman played by Darryl Hannah and (Show Darryl as James' smiling face covers her butt. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so let's go over this little moment. When this movie came to Disney Plus, they decided to use the cut that was syndicated and added some more editing, like covering Darryl Hannah's tuchus, and fans were not too happy about this, especially since the movie on Digital and DVD saw Darryl's butt, and they also slipped in Darryl's nipples as she swims underwater, and she showed her body in all her glory back in 1984, and no one back then was shocked and stupid enough to be told: "Be Offended" because we could handle it then and some people can still handle it now, I think(Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Darryl Hannah's character soon reveals herself to be a mermaid to the audience as Dr. Kornbluth suffers comedically at the hands of his helpers spots Darryl in her mermaid form as she finds Allen's wallet and, using old school maps, heads to Liberty Island as the tour guide gives his group more than the statue. (Show clip of the tour guide as he talks about the statue until he sees Darryl Hannah in the buff and says naked women everywhere and shouts "BOCCE BALLS!" Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Imagine the headlines if that happened now! Actually, they'd try to spin it as a protest against eating meat or some type of Pro-Whatever the hell is popular to protest against like actual intelligence or something like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen returns to his job as his brother brings in the head of an entire supermarket chain to see the operations of the distribution when a phone call gets Allen down to the police as he meets Darryl Hannah's character. Now I know the character's name as does everyone else but for the sake of the story, I won't reveal it until the movie does. But I digress, Allen and Darryl Hannah's character spends the rest of the day and night getting to know each other again and again. While that's happening, Dr. Kornbluth discovers the news of what happened on Liberty Island, where he talks to an old professor friend and plans to expose Darryl Hannah's character. The following day Allen goes into work as Darryl Hannah's character goes to Bloomingdale's to get herself some wardrobe. Allen comes home early to surprise her until Carlton, Your Doorman, tells Allen she sent her to Bloomingdale's, where she breaks her silence, and we find out who the smelt she is! (Cut to the clip of Darryl Hannah's character speaking in Dolphin chirps which shatter the Televisions as it cuts to James physically as his glasses break as well.)

TLOTA:
Well, it's a good thing I keep spares (James gets his replacement glasses out as it cuts to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Realizing Allen can't repeat that He and Darryl Hannah's character decide to give her the name Madison, and since this movie succeeded, girls have been getting that name. Anyway, Madison tells Allen that she has six days before returning home, and the two better make the best of their situation and guess what I found in the background in one shot! A movie theater that is showing the original "Evil Dead",  and that was cool to see or as one man would say "Groovy!". But I digress, that night Madison decides to give herself a moment to let her tail out and soak, which somehow triggers Allen to wake up leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen as he tries to figure out why Madison is in the tub. Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison accidentally bump into Dr. Kornbluth, who tries to expose Madison when he finds himself in danger from a couple that looks like Allen and Madison. (Show clip of Dr. Kornbluth getting the crap beaten out of him. Cut to James physically as he cringes)

TLOTA:
I'm not a doctor, but yeah, I would be making my last will and testament after a beating like that. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While Dr. Kornbluth recovers from that Allen and Madison go on another date as Allen shows one of his favorite fountains in the park as he exposits about what happened to him when he was eight and Madison plays dumb as to knowing that Allen and her met when they were kids. The next day Allen and Freddie talk about going to a formal dinner event with The President Of The United States and Allen decides to take Madison. Freddie and Allen play racquetball and discuss his relationship with Madison and believe it or not when Freddie serves and clocks himself stupid, that took one take! Later that day, Allen is surprised when the fountain from the park is delivered to his living room! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! (Cut to Madison telling Allen she sold her necklace to get him that fountain because she loves him. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Ask a good question, get a good answer! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That night Allen and Madison decide to head to a fancy restaurant where Madison orders Lobster as Allen tries to figure out how to make this blooming relationship work. Oh and Fun Fact, Due to Darryl Hannah's vegetarianism, that lobster wasn't Lobster, it was crust filled with bread, hearts of palm, tofu, potatoes, and spaghetti. Some fun little facts to know about this movie while I review this. After that Allen and Madison go ice skating and Allen goes for the ultimate play for Madison and asks for her hand in marriage. Madison reluctantly says that can't happen and as it has become the trope, the couple finding themselves hitting a rough patch. The next morning after a night of contemplation, Madison decides that Allen is worth breaking the rules and would be glad to Marry Allen as Dr. Kornbluth finds them again only to meet with yet another Doppelganger couple which leads to, You know. (Sounds of multiple punches are heard as the scene cuts to black. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For the love of Peat Moss, you can stop now he is now two-thirds broken bones! Any more of a beating and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen remembers the dinner with the President and takes Madison as his date. That night even though he should be in traction and knocked out until doomsday to heal, Kornbluth decides to crash the President's party and it's there that Madison's secret is revealed. (Show clip of Madison's tail being revealed and Kornbluth screams "BEHOLD THE MERMAID!" cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Allen and Madison are taken by the government as Kornbluth's superior Dr. Ross decides to take the lead on the experiments on Madison as they throw Allen back to his place thinking he wasn't really worth the time to take. Freddie tries to shield Allen from the fallout and here we get development from Freddie as Allen bemoans what he feels is yet another failure of a relationship. Freddie tells Allen to wake up and smell the fricking Tartar sauce! After a day of contemplation on Allen's part and regrets on Kornbluth's end, the two meet as after all the guilt at the dentist's office to fix Kornbluth's teeth as Kornbluth injects himself with Novocaine in his leg. (Cut to James physically) 

TLOTA:
Just be glad that the nitrous oxide wasn't available. (Show the clip from "Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" episode "EYETOOTH" as Will, Carlton, and William Shatner are hopped up on Nitrous Oxide. and from "Lethal Weapon 4" dentist scene the scene. Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Kornbluth tells Allen that he can get into see Madison which leads Allen to come up with an idea that is so crazy it has to work as Kornbluth takes them in as Swedish Scientists! The three make their way to Madison as Allen enacts the second part of his plan which is to switch Freddie with Madison leading to this moment. (Show clip of Allen and Kornbluth taking an unconscious body out of the lab and the two making tracks! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.) Dr. Ross comes in as the rouse is discovered as Freddie is arrested and brings every-friggin' person with a badge and a gun to catch Madison, Allen, and Kornbluth! Kornbluth decides he's caused enough trouble and decides to sacrifice himself to give Allen and Madison the time to get away further which ends with Kornbluth (Show clip of him falling and hurting himself saying "WHAT A WEEK I'M HAVING!" Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Barely making it out of the movie in traction! (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Allen and Madison make it to a jetty as the two quickly discuss what to do next. Madison tells Allen that she was the little girl he saw at Cape Cod and if he goes with her he'll be safe but can never return. Having to choose between keeping her safe or being with her forever, Allen chooses the worst of the two evils by letting her go. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I have to say I understand making that sacrifice. I mean, there were times when I was in a relationship and I felt that if given a second chance, there would be some women I was with better off not knowing I existed or if they did know I existed I didn't make the decision of pursuing a relationship at all because at some point there are women who regretted being with me and even though they went through troubles and came out the other end of their troubles in better shape and in better relationships, it didn't mean I was doing well. Hell if I knew things were going to end the way they did in my previous relationships, I WOULD BE EVEN LESS INCLINED TO FRIGGIN  START ANY RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD! WOULD THAT MEAN I WOULD BE A HERMIT BOUND TO MY HOUSE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO I WOULD'VE HURT IN THOSE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE IT MEANS MORE THAT I NEVER HURT ANYONE, EVEN IF I WIND UP HAPPY I WILL TELL YOU IT WOULD COST ME IN THE LONG RUN BECAUSE SOME POOR SCHMO WOULD MISS OUT ON A GOOD FRIGGIN THING! GAAAAAAH! (James relaxes and breathes as he calms down.) Wow, my first rant of the year. Felt good to get it out of me. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Madison hits the water as Navy Swim teams try to intercept her escape, leading Allen to dive in to rescue her and stop the Navy Swim team from capturing Madison and Allen,  the movie ends with our happy couple living together in the ocean heading to an undersea kingdom. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was Splash! It was cute, romantic, funny, dramatic and it is so worth the time to watch. (Cut to Splash as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Let me say the following, this movie is one of those perfect time capsules that just seem timeless. Everything worked in this movie. It had the right actors in the right roles, the script balanced everything. The fantasy aspects, the romantic aspects, the humorous aspects, the dramatic aspects, and everything ended the right way, even if something went wrong they made that moment work. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out today! ESPECIALLY TODAY AS IT IS VALENTINE'S DAY AND IT IS A GREAT ROMANTIC MOVIE AND SWIMS HEADS AND TAILS ABOVE A LOT OF THE CRAP THAT CALLS ITSELF A ROMANTIC MOVIE THESE DAYS! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Phew! It felt good reviewing a good movie on a day like today. So maybe this year is getting better as it goes along. Anything is possible, I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That's my opinion!

The First Slice of "American Pie"

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. In 1999, apparently there was a list of movies that were meant to be a good substitute for watching “Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” and near the top of the list was a little known movie called “American Pie”  (Cut to the title card of “American Pie” then clips from the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie somehow became the biggest sleeper hit 1999. But how did that happen and how did it become a successful enough franchise to have so many movies. Well from starting now until March we’re going to look at all of them. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since there are eight movies, including the Straight to DVD stuff, I’ve got no time to waste let’s dive right in with our first slice of “American Pie” (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All right we’re quickly introduced to young Jim Levinstein played by Jason Biggs as he tries to alleviate himself while watching scrambled porn on Cable, So, yeah here’s where everything shows its age because had the filmmakers waited, he could’ve… Well… I hate to do this but well… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Paulo? Nick? Eric? John? Mike? Andrew? Ed? (Cut to the Door as Paulo, Nick, Eric, John, Mike, Andrew & Ed show up and Join James)

Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, John Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion (In Unison):
We’re ready. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Let’s do this! (James stands up and the instrumental of “The Internet Is For Porn” play as they sing Trekkie’s lines)

Men of Team TLOTA (Singing In Harmony):
The Internet is for porn! The Internet is for Porn! Why do you think the net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn!

TLOTA:
Okay, now we got that out of our systems. Let’s move on! (James grabs the right side of the review pulling in the clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim tries to go to bed, his mom played by Molly Cheek and his father played by Eugene Levy discover he’s watching something more adult than what he lets on. After that bit of embarrassment, we soon meet Oz played by Chris Klein and for the record, I’m not making the jokes you think I would with something like this it’s called decorum.  While Oz and Jim talk about well what Hollywood thinks teens talk about we’re soon introduced to Kevin played by Thomas Ian Nicholas and Vicky played by continual Internet Reviewer fodder for a train wreck of a career Tara Reid as apparently Vicky got into the college of her dreams, Kevin is worried he might lose her to some College hunk! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Dude, trust me, you will thank your lucky stars it won’t work out! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re soon introduced to several other character like Jessica played by future “Blade Trinity” victim Natasha Lyonne and Michele played by constant second banana Alyson Hannigan as we see their day to day lives. We also meet Finch played by Eddie Kaye Thomas as he and apparently everyone is psyched about a party at Stiffler’s and speaking of Stiffler, we soon see him in all his obnoxious glory played by Sean William Scott. As they prep for Stiffler’s party we hear about how “Third Base” is like Apple Pie. Not a good analogy but what do I know? Meanwhile at Stiffler’s party we’re introduced to Nadia played by a young Shannon Elizabeth as a character named Sherman is looking to get some. Meanwhile as Jim makes contact to Nadia and fails faster than you can say Hindenburg! Stiffler in the meanwhile tosses Michelle and her friends in band from the party. Just as Oz’s date with his College date basically shuts him down with College intellect when it comes to dating! As Jim and Oz bemoan how they tanked with their women, Kevin and Vicky get their moment ruined by Stiffler until he notices a certain cup of brew with a certain fluid and faster than my buddy Rowdy can grab his barf bucket, Stiffler drinks Beer skunked with Splooge then blows it in every way possible. I apologize for being so crude, but if the movie isn’t going to be subtle, I can try to be a little better than the material unless I must be graphic. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Trust me it’s not gonna get easier for me as this goes on. I’m going to take a break, watch something more intellectual like the latest Law & Order SVU episode.

(The scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Not long after that we’re soon introduced to the acronym “MILF” which of course means “Mother I’d like to… (Cut to clip of Olivia Benson from the “Law & Order: SVU” Season 10 episode as she says “Oh, I know what it means” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) After Kevin blows his chance with Vicky, we cut to the next day as the four of them make a pact to lose their virginity by Graduation. (Show clip of “The Pact”. Cut to James physically as he laughs)

TLOTA (Laughing while talking):
Oh you four, you stand about as much of a chance of getting some as me watching the New York Jets winning the Super Bowl, but we’ll see come this fall. (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So yeah, the four lay down the ground rules for their pact and they prepare in any way they can as we see… WAIT A SECOND! (Record scratches as the footage stops) JIM HAS A COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I…DID… AN ENTIRE CHORUS OF “THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN” FOR FRICKING NOTHING?! One moment! (Cut to James as he walks out of his office as he passes by The ladies of Team TLOTA who have complaints and James walks by them grabbing their written complaints, reading them, heading down the stairs and a loud “F” Bomb is exploded as a Church Organ off-screen drowns out the impact of it, James comes through the door a lot more calm and walks past the ladies of Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun:
Damn! That was the loudest profanity I ever heard, while I wasn’t in bed with Nick! (The other ladies look at Rebecca. Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kevin tries to get back with Vicki we discover Oz has joined the Chorus and notices Heather played by Mena Suvari as well as seeing an untapped resource for well (Cut to clip of Batman Returns as Max Shreck says “Unlimited Poon tang!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) While that goes on Jim’s dad decides to share his own “Stash” of rather adult material and some unnecessary advice. Trust me when I say Jim’s dad is not subtle though because it is Eugene Levy, he does his best to make the material funny! Meanwhile A young girl is enamored with Finch and Kevin offers to help her out. Also, apparently talking to his brother Tom played by Casey Affleck about his situation with inherits the rights to use what is known as “The Bible”? What is “The Bible” outside of the good book in church? Apparently, it’s a special book filled with tips and tricks on how to land the right woman! (Cut to James as he scoffs)

TLOTA:
As if that works! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile we get the moment that this movie is known for. (Cut to clip of Jim putting his privates into an apple pie, then cut to clip of “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” as Jason Biggs complains about how he’s known for putting his privates into an apple pie! Cut back to the movie as Jim puts it in the Pie and Jim’s dad says “Well, we’ll just tell your mother that, that we ate it all” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well folks, that’s one way to ruin a pie! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kevin becomes more knowledgeable thanks to “The Bible”, Oz shows off his Lacrosse skills to Heather and the two start to get more intimate and Heather asks Oz to the prom. Meanwhile Kevin makes up for his stupidity by making Vicky well… (Cut to Kevin making Vicki Orgasm and Kevin popping up as signs of him getting certain STDs every time he pops up while making her Orgasm. Cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) As Jim’s dad continues to tiptoe through the minefield on a Pogo Stick with the subtle advice. Jim finally talks to Nadia and invites her back to his place for studying. Meanwhile Oz apparently blows it with Heather. Just as that goes on, Jim blurts out that he could post them being on the internet. Again, I went through the whole “Internet is for Porn” gag already. In the meanwhile, Oz decides to get back into Heather’s good graces by Volunteering to sing a duet on Saturday with her. (Cut to clip of Captain America: The Winter Soldier as The Falcon tries to outrun the destruction of the Triskelion and screams “NOT AN OPTION!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) You see he has big game on that day, what to do? No time for resolution now as we get… (Show clip of Nadia as she gets undressed and everyone enjoys it. Cut to James as he walks away and goes into the Kitchen of the Studio, sipping on some Hot Chocolate when Julia Alexa Miller walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Hey James, how’s the review going? (Cut to James sitting with a cup of Hot Chocolate.)

TLOTA:
In a word, Disastrous! (Julia Alexa Miller walks over to James)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Talk to me… Please.

TLOTA:
Okay, lets say you had a crush on someone when you were younger, You discover there is nothing between yourself and your crush, then you see something that reminded you why you fell for your crush in the first place, is it wrong to have the feelings you had then where you are now?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Totally lost

TLOTA:
It’s American Pie and I’m seeing the infamous Webcam moment of Nadia as played by Shannon Elizabeth and she’s undressed!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh I see, and you had tried not to think of it.

TLOTA:
Exactly because for me when I want a relationship, I want to touch someone through their Minds and Hearts first, then go for the rest of the body.

Julia Alexa Miller:
That’s a great way of trying to get through to someone the right way, but even you had urges, still do, don’t ya?

TLOTA:
Yeah, I mean she probably doesn’t look as good as (Show image of Shannon Elizabeth 2020 and James says “WOW!”. Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller) Look, if you’re okay with me well having those urges but knowing I have you, it’s all good, right?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, so get back to the review. (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss and James walks away to leave Julia Alexa Miller to look at Shannon Elizabeth)

Julia Alexa Miller:
If I weren’t with James, I’d go for her no questions asked. (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sure enough, Jim apparently sent the Webcam address to every student in the body to see Nadia’s body and is embarrassed when Nadia forces him to Strip! This goes as well as expected. (Show clip of Jim stripping, cut to clip of “Fairly Oddparents” as the entire planet shakes from laughter. Cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) As it looks like Jim is about to blow Nadia, he shoots himself in the foot and Nadia begins to leave when he tries the rough advice his dad gave and then… (Show clip of Jim being shown Nadia’s Nether region and everyone reacts with a “Holy Shit”, Cut to a clip of “Suburban Knights as Joe & Paw shout “HOLY SHIT!”, cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) After blowing it again, Jim is now the laughing stock of the school, Hell even Charlie Brown is laughing at this poor schmuck! But enough of Jim’s humiliation, we continue as Oz practices his singing in hopes to make it to both the big game and the concert! As that goes on, Nadia is deported back to her homeland Michelle goes on about Band Camp and Jim figures she was the only one not to see him shoot himself twice with Nadia and asks Michelle out. Meanwhile Oz and Heather’s relationship continues to deepen while Stiffler strikes out with someone who wants Finch. Which we discover his reputation is a fabrication of Jessica’s imagination. After that, we discover that Stiffler slipped in a little laxative into Finch’s Coffee drink and well (Show clip of Finch going to the bathroom in the girls room in the school and audio of James screaming as he relieves himself and the smell drives out the girl and Finch humiliated by Stiffler. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) After that Vicki and Kevin’s relationship hits the rocks and apparently Kevin can’t tell Vicki he loves her because he’s waiting for it to be Perfect. (Cut to clip of George Takei saying, “You are made of Stupid!”, cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As that happens Heather has come up with a back up partner should Oz miss the concert and wouldn’t you know it, Oz gives up the game to be at the concert for Heather (A group of people go “Awe!” while that happens. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) As everyone prepare for Prom night and the party afterwards. We see Finch sad and alone, while the other couples find themselves enjoying their company. Jim says the pact is done when Finch and Jessica dance in each other’s company and Sherman is exposed to be a fraud. OUCH! Soon enough everyone’s ready to party the night away at Stiffler’s Lake house. Meanwhile Michelle tells Jim about the One time which I must censor for the sake of decency! (Show clip of Michelle as she says, “And this one time at Band Camp I… [Cuckoo tweets drown out the rest of Michelle’s Story] and Jim spit takes” Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Soon after that, Finch and Stiffler’s mom played by one of the funniest women on the planet Jennifer Coolidge hook up, as does Kevin and Vicki. Heather and Oz, and as for Jim and Michelle. (Show clip of Jim being manhandled by Michelle, Heather and Oz enjoy themselves as does Kevin and Vicki, Stiffler is shocked by his mom being with Finch. Cut to the end of the movie as James continues his voiceover) The following morning Kevin and Vicki decide to part ways, Thank your lucky stars Kevin on that one, Jim realizes Michelle used him and played him like a fiddle, Stiffler reacts as one would when he sees a friend hook up with his mom and our group of friends talk about how they’re ready for that next step and our movie ends with Jim stripping down to “One Week” and Nadia seeing it on a webcam. I truly do wish that things get better for Jim as these movies go on. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “American Pie” and despite certain things that shows its age, it holds up! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The acting is good, the story while having moments where I had to question my quality moved well enough for my liking and in some weird way it made me feel nostalgic for some time that in reality never really happened and I appreciate a lot of the characters arcs and stories. If you want something that while crude has some quality, I highly suggest you check it out and see how sweet this slice of pie truly is. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
So that’s one down and about three more Theatrically and four Straight to DVD movies to go and next time, we’re going to the second slice which will be… (James looks at his schedule) GADZOOKS! NEXT WEEK! I got work to do! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and See you next week!