James Faraci The Last Of The Americans: July 2023

Thursday, July 20, 2023

The Ten Biggest G-D DAMN M----RF---ING Mistakes I've made in the ten years of The Last Of The Americans

(Scene begins as a finger taps an app on a watch as it opens a portal the 1994 American Gladiators theme song plays , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cuts to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun, and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites, and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left is on a white background, and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting in his office)

TLOTA: I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the mistakes that I have made have been that of my own and no one else's. That's right, I'm about to admit how big a dumbass I've been; every single little mistake I've made and every stupid little "What The Hell WAS I THINKING moment?" in my reviews and then I will have them shoved right up my ass. Then I'm getting tossed into an oven with a built-in rotisserie and just left to cook in my own juices at 375 Degrees Fahrenheit. In Short...(James taps the screen on his smartwatch, morphing him back to James Faraci)

James Faraci: These are "The Ten Biggest G-D DAMN M----RF---ING Mistakes I've made in the ten years of The Last Of The Americans" (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he's working and the first chorus of "Everything You Know Is Wrong By Weird Al Yankovic as dust and small amounts of debris are dropping down on James' head. Halfway through the Chorus, James looks up and sees a ton of papers with all the mistakes he's made looks up and waves Bye Bye as the weight crushes James, and the blood spatter writes out"The Ten Biggest G-D DAMN M----RF---ING Mistakes I've made in the ten years of The Last Of The Americans" as the blood spatter dissipates a piece of paper comes down with a number on it)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number 10

(Cut to clips of James' review of "The Producers" as James does a voiceover)

10) The first, last, and ONLY two-part review I have ever done!

James Faraci (Voiceover): Yeah, this review quickly became my lowest-seen review in a long time! And believe it or not, it took me a long goddamn time to write this, and I had help from my Manic-Expression.com comrade Antoni Matteo Garcia in order to get the music up to snuff and helped direct the damned thing! But the things that went wrong from the get-go! The script was twice as long as a normal review, and with the effort from everyone, I was grateful for the work that went into it. People didn't check it out; as a matter of fact, people were surprised that I would go after the Middle Eastern people and their religion. That is not true at all; I do not have any hatred towards ANY religious difference! I do not have any hatred towards anyone of different gender or sexual orientation. What I was trying to do was ONE) Make fun of terrorists and their Zealous attitudes towards everyone and TWO) Honor the legacy of the iconic and legend of Mel Brooks while trying to make a parody of the musical adaptation of his first directed movie "The Producers" which was about a duo trying to produce a musical about the leader of the Third Reich. This man was responsible for the massacre of so many innocent people! And guess who did that over twenty years ago? The terrorists that hit the World Trade Center killed three thousand people, and millions were hurt when they were sent to war for no obvious reason! I felt the time was right to make light of the evil that kicked America's Ass! However, the people spoke up and said, "I was wrong because I was denouncing the entire Muslim religion as basically the religion of evil." AGAIN, I was making fun of the terrorists! And I threw in Barack Obama not because of his religious beliefs; it was simple, I did not like how he did things in the office of President. You can make fun of a president when they are in and out of office. People still make fun of Clinton, Bush (41), Bush (43), Ronald Reagan, Nixon, Carter, 45, and the guy currently holding the office of President, and it is fine. You won't wind up in Guantanamo Bay for attacking Biden with humorous content. The other thing that legally knowledgeable people told me is that The Last Of The Americans SHOULD have faced the same legal ramifications as his partners Tallycost, Flume, and Bin Onsonar! And faced multiple counts of defrauding people in a Pyramid Ponzi Scheme. Even though I argued that I and my alter ego always believed people who put money into a project should get their money back whether or not the project succeeds. I have been raised to be fiscally responsible. If I could do a crowdfunding campaign for every donation spent, I would ensure the backer got their money's worth and their money back either way! But I digress; I was trying to simply put it in how I would handle the events of both the original and the musical version of "The Producers." and trying to teach others in the field of producing fiscal responsibility to your backers. A good moral that no one ever saw or got!

(Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, as he looks up and sees a ton of papers with all the mistakes he's made looks up and waves Bye Bye as the weight crushes James, and a piece of paper comes down with a number on it as the second half of the first chorus of "Everything You Know Is Wrong" by Weird Al Yankovic plays)

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number Nine

(Cut to James' Top Ten Worst/Best Seasons of Power Rangers lists as James does a voiceover)

9) "Power Rangers Turbo did NOT kill Power Rangers"

James Faraci (Voiceover): In my top ten worst Power Rangers list, I had said that Power Rangers Turbo was a bad season but not one of the worst. As a matter of fact, there was a comment that was put on the worst list by Cecigi in which Cecigi says. Quote "Yes, it's true that the first half had low ratings, but that was from a two-year ratings decline that had been stuck on the franchise since MMPR Season 3 in late 1995 (Zeo would've gotten huge ratings, but Big Bad Beetleborgs was getting all the attention in late 1996). But, after the change of cast in "Passing the Torch" happened, the second half of Turbo started getting good ratings, which was good news for Saban and the Power Rangers franchise. On top of that, the old Power Rangers (Tommy, Kat, Adam, & Tanya) were becoming adults. Yes, teenagers DO have some responsibilities and problems, but nothing compared to adulthood, which means real responsibilities such as getting a job and paying bills. These are things a teenager lacks, which makes them ideal Power Rangers. If there's a monster attack, they don't have to make up some random excuse and risk their jobs to step out. It's possible for them to go into space and leave their seemingly non-existent parents behind. Teenagers makes sense. Not terribly much sense, I'll grant you, but we all get the logic. And honestly, the replacements (T.J., Cassie, Carlos, & Ashley) are no worse than the first team of Power Rangers (Jason, Zack, Trini, Billy, & Kimberly) were when they were chosen by Zordon. Hell, Billy couldn't even fight for shit back then, and they still picked him up." Endquote.

Which I agree with. The thing is, I also don't just put my thoughts into a top ten. Sometimes I also have to follow other people's thoughts on a series and think if they were right or if I was right about certain things. While yes, I should put my own spin on things, and I do. Sometimes, others have the same idea and can express it much better than my dumb ass!

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number eight

(Cut to clips of the "Science Boy" review as James does a voiceover)

8) The "Science Boy High School Reunion" review

James Faraci (Voiceover): This one was going to be trouble from the get-go! Backstory time, Alex DeCourville, who is a legendary member of Manic Expression, decided to make a movie, and I offered some financial assistance to it. I got a copy of The movie "Science Boy's High School Reunion" on DVD as a reward for helping with the project. An hour and a half later, I felt like I had seen one of the most technically failed movies I'd ever seen. Alex was awesome. However, it felt like a bad YouTube movie, like a certain Meshuga Schmuck did. I didn't have the heart to hurt his feelings and didn't want to review it as The Last Of The Americans. Nor did I ever want to review it. However, like a Genie/Mermaid, if someone asks for a wish, I have to grant it. So, I said I would review it. This meant having to watch it and say my thoughts on it. I thought I had done it with my usual comedic tone. As I finished it, I hoped that Alex DeCourville would understand that I wouldn't say anything about it unless someone asked, and Alex DeCourville asked. I would soon regret it, begging for forgiveness from the get-go from DeCourville. His response was swift. He unfriended me on Facebook and left a hurtful message about how much of a pile of Billious Schmatte I am! Granted, I deserved everything of what he said to me. One day, I hope he will forgive me for being a complete and total Jack-Ass. But given my track record of losing friends. Yeah, I am not holding my breath.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number seven

(Cut to clips of the S Club 7 tv series as James does a voiceover)

7) The S Club 7 DID get radio airplay, and their music DID get sold Stateside.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Believe it or not, this was almost about Simon Fuller and his connection with The Spice Girls, S Club 7, and American Idol. That is until I looked over everything with a fine-toothed comb and realized I did mention it in my Review of the S Club movie "Seeing Double." So apparently, the other complaint that floods my e-mail is the fact that S Club 7 DID get Airplay on the Radio. Of course, the Radio Airplay that took up the most were Fox-owned Radio stations that were out of frequencies I could find and Radio Disney, which was an AM radio station that was hard to tune into. If anyone out there could find out if they did have Radio play, I am sure no one knew if and when they did get Radio Airplay. As for their music being sold stateside, well, I am sure I purchased the albums they sold; stateside, if anyone from the United States actually DID buy their music, I would like to see you with your CDs in any comment section I post a link to this list into. Otherwise, I stand by the fact that few people bought their music in any way, shape, or form in the United States outside of the Jackass writing this list.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number six

(Cut to clips of "Mind Of Mencia" as James does a voiceover)

6) Using the Carlos Mencia "Punji" "Oh, Of course" clip when the villain comes up with his plans to take over the world instead of the "Street Fighter" M. Bison "Of Course!" Clip by Raul Julia! (Show a clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says, "Oh, Of Course!" then cut to clips of Mind Of Mencia as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): The major reason I chose this clip is simple, after seeing so many of the villains with their plans to conquer this lump of rock and water, I took what I thought was a practical approach to people when they have villains their plans and people would react the same way Punji's from Mind Of Mencia. After seeing so many movies with this plot scenario, how would someone who has been through it react? The way Raul Julia did in "Street Fighter" or like someone who has worked their lives away in hell, where they can't escape when they get someone who decides to come in and attack everyone who is defeated but knows the inevitable will happen. I chose the obvious! I chose the "Punji" "Of Course" route because, quite honestly, it would fit in this weary world that has become a cesspool of dumb. But just to quell everyone, I came up with my own version of that when the plot involves villains and when they take over the world. (Cut to James in the Super Mario Bros. Movie review as the Maw-Ray is about to eat him, Mario and Donkey Kong, and James says, "Of Course!" Cut back to clips of "Mind Of Mencia" as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (Voiceover): As for why I like Carlos Mencia's Mind Of Mencia? Well, he's funny in the first two and a half seasons. The rest of his work doesn't seem to be as humorous. If you find him funny, Mazel Tov. He had his brief time in the sun, and we enjoyed it enough for the brief taste; it was good.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number five

(Cut to clips of James' reviews as James does a voiceover)

5) "You're not a real Internet Reviewer! You're not on YouTube! You've never had copyright claims and strikes against you! (Et Cetera)"

James Faraci (Voiceover): OKAY, Where in this fictional Internet Reviewer charter does it say that all Internet Reviewers are on YouTube or do video reviews? Because the way I see it, if you have an Internet connection, whether through the Cable/Sattelite Company or a phone company, and an opinion, Then guess what? That makes you an Internet Reviewer. While yes, I have not had the misfortunes of others in my profession in that sense. I have had people give me plenty of praise for my work. But that doesn't mean I haven't had issues. I've made mistakes in plot development in several reviews. Sometimes I make spelling errors or cut myself off at the wrong times (FYI, Grammarly is a gift and a curse)! And as of this post, I successfully defended my reviews of "Green Hornet" & "Kickassia" from egregious claims at best! So while I may not be considered an Internet Reviewer in the conventional definition to many, I AM AN INTERNET REVIEWER! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, KISS MY ASS WHILE I SHIT!

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number four

(Cut to clips of "Clerks III" as James does a voiceover)

4) "Clerks III" screwed your pooch.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Admittedly, I did not look at Clerks III until a few months ago, and I can honestly say it was one of the saddest endings to a View Askewniverse project ever! However, it clashed with some things I had written in my review of the unaired live-action "Clerks" Pilot with Jim Bruer and Keri Russell. And in an end sketch, I decided to put my twist on the events after Clerks II. It had the "Clerks" and Veronica at their current ages, letting us know that Dante had a daughter and was happily married to Becky, and I even mention it in my review of "Jay And Silent Bob Reboot." However, Kevin Smith changed everything I had written as Dante lost Becky and the baby and then eventually... I will wait until next March to talk about "Clerks III" in more detail, but the bottom line is, don't take what I think and write for something factual, especially when I screw something up this bad.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number three

(Cut to clips of my WTFU editorial and my #ChangeTheChannel Editorial as James does a voiceover)

3) Your beliefs that the Internet Reviewer community needs to unionize and your thoughts on the Change The Channel movement

James Faraci (Voiceover): Okay, While yes, I still stand by my thoughts on unionizing Internet Reviewers and content creators so that we can be taken as seriously as the same as the legitimate press and entertainers. I understand that people might not be willing to do so, partly due to financial inconveniences or fears of corruption. The way I see it, yes, it would be a minor income inconvenience, but consider that you would have benefits for when you get injured or have health issues. You will have benefits if and when you retire on some magically faraway day. You will have a 401k Plan and benefits for you and whatever loved ones you have; that is why I still advocate a plan to unionize. And at the time of this post, the WGA & SAG-AFTRA have agreed to strike. Guess where the Internet Reviewers and Content Creators would stand? Here's a hint, it isn't with the studios. As for the Change The Channel editorial, I offered options no one picked up on. For a while, I thought about doing whatever I could to needle Doug Walker until he either quit or admitted his wrongdoings and make reparations and make sure that if he was going to review something, I am or have reviewed it. Ten times out of ten, I came out the more successful. I wanted to keep him closer as an enemy than close as an equal, that is, until April 27th, 2022, as Doug possibly did a worse review than his review of Pink Floyd's The Wall. A CGI Pinocchio movie starring Pauly Shore that was so without anything humorous that I found myself so glad to see his downfall was complete that I decided that God would deal with him and I could compete with bettering myself. But what people complained about the most was that I wasn't an actual contributor on that site. But I was inadvertently part of the reason the sequels to that movie they did in Nevada because I am more than certain my money went to pay for them. And I am willing to bet that not a nickel paid for the cast and crew, the craft service, hotel rooms, or the best working conditions for everyone. So for as much as they got screwed, the people who obviously checked out my reviews and yours truly got the screwjob when the truth came out about Doug and Channel Awesome. This may explain ninety percent of the number one mistake I made.

James Faraci (Voiceover): Number two

(Cut to clips featuring guest stars, the former members of A certain "Site," and, regrettably, the meshuga fegulah schmuck they used to work with in the reviews James did as James does a voiceover)

2) How did you get all these people to work with you on your reviews?

James Faraci (Voiceover): That's the thing! I haven't; I've wanted to work with those FORMERLY from that site since I started "The Last Of The Americans," I almost got into trouble with Mike Jeavons, AKA Mike J, for crediting him as a co-writer in my review of "The Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold." All I've had are constructs from what I've seen, heard, and known, how they would react to me, and how long it would take before they decided whether or not they would give me the time of day after being around me for a small amount of their time. A primary example was having "E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster" in my review of the 2017 Wonder Woman review. It is public knowledge that he would rather go back to "That Site" on his hands and knees begging to rejoin than watch any of Snyder's DC Movies WILLINGLY! So I had in my mind that the only way I could convince him was that I would do the reviewing; he would make his own lines and quips; otherwise, he would have to stay on script for the rest of the review, the catch would be that he would NEVER watch the Wonder Woman movie. Then there was the loose association with "That Site" again, constructs of what events would've been like, primarily in my trilogy of adventures with him and those FORMERLY from "That Site." or rather, they saw the first one and Meshuga Fegulah Michaud was like, "Yeah, I own you and your friend's ass for the next couple of years, even if you're on a different site, we own your asses for two more of these after the first one." I have a snowball's chance in hell of working with those formerly associated with "That Site." I have an even slimmer chance of working with people like Eliza Dushku and Traci Hines! Even lesser successes like the Cast and Crew of "Life As A Mermaid" would rather take the Al Bundy Skydiving death route than willingly work with me in real life, and that's my solution for that impossible day that I would ever willingly work with the fegulahs from Chicago again! I'm not the easiest person to get to know and like. After being around for five minutes, I try my best to be the guy who feels like we have been friends for twenty years and just reconnected. Admittedly, I fail so epically; it's funny. The only time I actually worked with any of my fellow reviewers in my reviews have been my friend "Rowdy" Chris Lee Moore, Antoni Matteo Garcia, James Daniel Walsh, Charles "DukeCT" Thomas, "Writzblok" Jeff Gwinnup, Kent Lilly, Gus "The Nostalgia Kid" Webb, Steve Kidd and KiraKennedy. Though admittedly, I had plans to work with Stevie "Media Whiz" Swiggart; however, he, Gus, and Kent have since cut ties with me, primarily, and I am to blame for it. Again, I am an asshole though I try not to be one. But, all things considered, would I like to work with many of the people I had on The Last Of The Americans and be friends with them? Hell Yeah! Will that ever happen? After going through a statistics course in College, let's say that the probability of ANYONE ever winning the Lottery is better odds, and the odds always work in favor of the Lottery. Am I glad for the people I call my friends and comrades who I still can call my friends and comrades? YOU BET YOUR ASS!

(Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he's working, and the first chorus of "Everything You Know Is Wrong By Weird Al Yankovic as dust and small amounts of debris are dropping down James' head. Halfway through the Chorus, James looks up and sees a ton of papers with all the mistakes he's made looks up and waves Bye Bye as the weight crushes James, and a piece of paper comes down with a number on it)

James Faraci (Voiceover): And The Number One DUMBEST MISTAKE I'VE MADE AS JAMES FARACI, THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS, IS...

1) ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE THIS "LAST OF THE AMERICANS MOVIE" ?!?!!?

James Faraci (Voiceover):
In its current iteration, no. The version of the movie I had hoped to do and get done is dead and has been interred in what is known as "Turnaround." It basically means it will sit on a shelf and remain dead. What is worse is that I had hoped that people would be interested in something I invested my time and energy into, especially since I thought I had a plan in my back pocket. Okay, here was the plan as I had seen it. After watching what eventually became the final episode of "Life As A Mermaid," I figured I could use my connections with Validus Productions to create my own mini Production company within Validus, and we could enter a partnership. In this partnership deal, I would create projects that Validus could crowdfund, and they would have something besides "Life As A Mermaid" & "Witchhaven" to help them diversify their works. One of those works was a movie based on The Last Of The Americans, and the movie would've also acted as a pilot storyline for the review series to premiere on YouTube. The plot idea was interesting, "The Last Of The Americans" noticed that his fellow Internet Reviewers and Content Creators were burned out but still doing it because it's all they knew. So to help, with honest and noble intentions, "The Last Of The Americans" would invite everyone to his neck of the woods for a two-week vacation. No big to-dos, just two weeks of R&R. No going to a mansion for an inadvertent adventure with Scooby-Doo/The Real Ghostbusters implications. No going through the same events they had been through. Just two weeks of Peace and Quiet. Unless they wanted to go fishing, shoot guns at a gun range, hike, go to the mall, make a day of watching movies together, and MST3K riff the hell out of them while they work on crossover reviews. Whatever they wanted to do, they could do it in Sullivan County, NY. My neck of the woods. And one of the big things that move the plot forward is that "The Last Of The Americans" announces his engagement to the woman he loves. NOW BEFORE I HEAR FROM CERTAIN PEOPLE, SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THE REVIEWS THEMSELVES WHICH ARE THE HONEST THOUGHTS OF MYSELF, PLEASE BE AWARE, THIS MOVIE AND THE UNIVERSE "The Last Of The Americans" ENHABITS IS A FICTITIOUS ONE! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL ANY WOMAN OUTSIDE OF MY FAMILY I TRY AND GET THEIR ATTENTION WOULD GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY, EVEN IF I WAS ON FIRE AND BEGGING FOR WATER! MEANING THE RELATIONSHIP I WOULD BE HAVING IN "The Last Of The Americans" MOVIE IS FICTITIOUS! DESPITE THE PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE BEING IN THE MOVIE! Now that I said that, back to the plot. The next morning, things would go to HELL for The Last Of The Americans as he would notice that some of his female friends and colleagues would be kidnapped, including The Last Of The Americans' Fiance! Despite A) Not planning an adventure and B) not wanting to make everyone he invited for a vacation hate him for going along with him. The Last Of The Americans decides to go and rescue the others, Solo! However, the others weren't going to let him do this alone. And despite his fears and pleas of not getting involved, everyone joins him anyway to rescue The Last Of The Americans' Fiance and the others from the evil "M'Aud." In addition, Lord Vyce would have a story arc that would, in some weird and bizarre way, redeem him from his obsession with destroying the entity! The Cast & Characters would include as many of those guys who used to be on THAT SITE and People I know on the Congregational site that I use and along with "M'Aud," his minion "Darrien Bradigan," their foot soldiers "Walkers," and of course Lord Vyce. The way I saw the budget, it would take approximately Three point Five million dollars if I weren't nickel and diming it. One-third of the budget paying for the cast and crew and their services rendered, and the rest goes to the production of the movie and care of the cast and crew. If I were to nickel and dime it, it would cost three-quarters of a million dollars, a third of that being used to pay the cast and crew for their services rendered and half a million dollars for everything else. Validus would be the financial backer through crowdfunding, and I would be responsible for producing and co-directing it with the aid of Julia Alexa Miller (AKA Alex "Liquidverve" Miller on Instagram). However, as the writing process began in earnest, in April 2019, my oldest brother Rob suffered A MASSIVE STROKE; as the year went on, I wrote and wrote until July 4th, 2019, when I finished the first draft to keep my hopes and sanity alive. However, instead of 2019 ending in triumph, hoping I could get assistance from Validus, it ended in tragedy as on November 28th, 2019, my brother died from complications while recovering from a stroke. I had hoped to get everything back on track in 2020; we all know Covid killed that, and 2020 hit me with a triple whammy that I have not recovered from and possibly never will. A member of my family suffered a miscarriage, Covid shut the world down, and then came August 17, 2020, the same day I posted my "Different Cuts" of "Lord Of The Rings," the congregational site I use Manic Expression went down and of course, AND my dad died that day! And I had been trying ever since to do whatever it took. I did a Virtual Table Read of the script with half the cast on my shoulders and the rest on Kent Lilly. But as I was prepping for that VTR, Chad Narducci informed me that Validus had shut down after "Life As A Mermaid" wrapped! But I still hoped to get people financially involved and pay back in full to make this movie happen. The VTR is something you can see here:

This is the only proof of how I wanted the movie I wanted and how it would have been done.

Then, of course, Narducci hit me with the usual Hollywood legal bullshit. This meant the people I wanted to work on this movie won't touch the movie with a 4,281,982-yard spear! Adding to this madness is that when I tried to convince others to join this dying project, all I got was this comment "James, perhaps it would be better to work on your own projects to advance yourself and your own career for the time being. You have repeatedly offered to work with me and other content producers on stuff before, but it's often on our projects that we would prefer to do ourselves if we even want to do such things. 99% of the time, if we're going to work with others, we prefer it be with people we've already worked with before and trust because we have been burnt on too many occasions by people we don't know. I appreciate the offer, but I am good on this and do not require your assistance on this or any other projects for the time being." Well, I am sorry for two reasons, One, that Doug destroyed your trust in people who are trying to help you and your associates to work together on a project, and two, that my assbusting for TEN YEARS AT THE TIME OF THIS POST DOESN'T MEAN JACK AND SHIT AND JACK LEFT TOWN YEARS AGO TO YOU! But I digress; the final nail in the coffin came earlier this year as The woman who inspired me to write the script and be an inspiration for me to go to College in my 40s had her assistant send me an E-Mail saying, "Never contact her again!" There's cold, then there's arctic, AND then there's this! Since this, I have salvaged the characters and ninety-five percent of the story but without something to drive my character, the plot has nothing to move it forward. So because of that, I've had no choice but to shut my project down. I feel like Spoony right now. However, unlike Spoony, who said if "I could get X-Amount of money on my Patreon, I would produce a movie." If I were to do a crowdfunding like Patreon, I would lose my financial stability. Unlike my friends and colleagues, I do not have a fallback job, nor can I get one. I make my financial ends through Social Security. Meaning if I were to do a crowdfunding project for my movie solo, it would end my financial stability through Social Security. That is something I cannot afford to lose. So as far as the movie's fate, it's over for now! Maybe one mythical day, it will rise like a phoenix. But today ain't that day. This accursed movie will remain the worst mistake I have ever made! (Cut to James physically)

James Faraci: And that was The Ten Biggest G-D DAMN M----RF---ING Mistakes I've made in the ten years of The Last Of The Americans. If I have made any other mistakes, let me know in the comments section, no matter where I post a link. Also, please know that behind the image of The Last Of The Americans is a man who makes mistakes, an imperfect man with the best of intentions, which of course, will pave my one-way ticket to hell, perfunctory. Meanwhile, Next Month (James taps his finger on his Smart Watch Screen and morphs back into being James Faraci The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA: It's back to business, even on this long-overdue vacation. I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans, apologizing for being a human on a lump of dumb rock.

Tuesday, July 11, 2023

The Different Cuts Of The Original Star Wars Trilogy

(Scene begins as a finger as it taps an app on a smartwatch as it opens a portal and the 1994 American Gladiators plays as the scene cuts to a hand , and it cuts to different images of James as the characters he’s played until it cut to his face and the credit of “James Faraci” is shown as it cuts to “The Last Of The Americans'” current iteration then slides away to different images of Paulo Fonseca, Brenda Fonseca, Rebecca Yaun and Nick Yaun as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “Paulo and Brenda Fonseca & Rebecca and Nick Yaun” is shown as it then slides away to different images of John Ross and Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, and Ed Champion as the characters they’ve played until it cut to their faces and the credits of “John Ross Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach, Ed Champion” is shown as it then slides away to different images of Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller and Olivia Horvath and the credits of “Eric Kurtzke, Renee Miller, Olivia Horvath” is shown as the 0:00-0:21 mark of the theme song plays. Everything becomes a swirl of Reds, Whites and Blues as the credits “Produced by First Choice Productions. Edited by Eric Kurtzke and Paulo Fonseca. Written and Directed by James Faraci” as the 0:21-0:26 mark of the theme song plays. We then see an outlined image of James as he morphs into “The Last Of The Americans” and lands with half of his team on his right. The other half on his left on a white background and the title “THE LAST OF THE AMERICANS” is shown Lazer etched into Titanium as the last six seconds of the American Gladiators 1994 theme song plays. Cut to James sitting in his office)

TLOTA:
Just a few more modifications and there, my smartwatch can be used as my Morpher and person-to-person communicator, and the phone will activate access to the inventory. (James looks up and sees the recording has begun) WHOOPS! Sorry. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours, and welcome again to “The Different Cuts”!

(Whistling version “The Lumberjack Song” is heard as Team TLOTA dressed as Lumberjacks see a gigantic piece of film celluloid and James chops it down and the other members cut it to different lengths and on the ends sticking out of the back of the truck the words “The Different Cuts” are seen in differing syllables. Cut to the title card of “STAR WARS,” then cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
In 1977, after “JAWS” brought thrilling action and adventure back to the big screen in 1975 and “Rocky” brought tales of human hope back to the big screen, a little movie called “Star Wars” was able to combine the elements and added fun, fantasy and a sense of wonder in film making. Then in 1980 after a three-year hiatus, George Lucas and his production company Lucasfilm brought us one of the greatest sequels ever “The Empire Strikes Back”, it was hard-hitting, ended on a downbeat cliffhanger, and had one of the greatest twists in all of cinema history. Reactions of this twist are some of the best videos on YouTube, and I admit I still tear up when Han Solo is frozen in Carbonite and schlepped to be a wall decoration for Jabba The Hutt! Then in 1983, George Lucas Lucasfilm gave his trilogy closure and a feeling of returning hope that good had conquered evil, a son redeemed his father, and generations of filmmakers would be inspired to make movies. Me included, even though I am having setbacks up the wazoo, I digress. In 1993 when Lucas’ effects house Industrial Light & Magic worked on Spielberg’s “Jurassic Park” movie. George Lucas decided to do some cleaning up on the effects and added in some scenes that he couldn’t have done during the time the movies were made and in 1997, twenty years after Star Wars, which was titled “Episode IV: A New Hope” in future showings on TV, Home Media and Theatrical releases, George Lucas unleashed “The Star Wars Special Edition Trilogy” as “Star Wars,” “The Empire Strikes Back,”and “Return Of The Jedi” was re-released with new visual effects and scenes and in further releases in the home market on DVD and Blu-Ray scenes have been further changed or re-edited and since then things have become (Show clip of Greedo say “McClaunkey” cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Exactly (Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As for the original versions, according to George Lucas and the current owners of both Star Wars and Lucasfilms, they’re never seeing the light of day ever again unless you want to get them bootlegged through third-party sellers or pay whopper prices for VHS copies on eBay. But I digress today; we are looking into which of these is the superior cut. The Original Trilogy versus the continually changing current version of the Original Trilogy and see which version is better. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s start with possibly the ONLY thing that hasn’t changed, no matter how much everyone at Lucasfilms wishes they could change. The Plot! (Cut to the Binary Sunset on Tatooine as both Suns have a different version of the Trilogy and Luke looks on at the Sunset then turns away as they set the words in Star Wars text “The Plot.” Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away, an empire seized power and is crushing all that is left of what is good and innocent. Amid this, a young, orphaned moisture farmer who never knew his father named, Luke who was raised by his loving and hard-working moisture farming Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, purchases two robots named C-3PO & R2-D2 which have a message for exiled Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi from Princess Leia to bring him from Tatooine to Alderran, after seeing his farm destroyed and his guardians left as smoldering skeletons. Luke joins Obi-Wan to bring the monster who murdered his father, Darth Vader, to justice and help the rebellion destroy the empire once and for all! While the Battle of Yavin IV destroys the destructive weapon known as the “Death Star” and ends in victory, the war continues as the Rebels are beaten down, as the battle of Hoth ends with The Rebels hanging on to anything to give them hope. In the meanwhile, Leia and Dashing Rogue Han Solo, Captain of the Millenium Falcon with his Wookie friend and Co-Pilot Chewbacca and C-3PO, are being hunted by the Empire as Luke goes to Dagobah to train further in the ways of the Jedi. At a stop off on Bespin, Han comes across his old rogue friend Lando Calrissian, who regrettably betrays Han and Leia. Freezing Han in Carbonite so Bounty Hunter Boba Fett can claim the bounty Jabba The Hutt placed on Han. Luke discovers after battling Darth Vader that the monster that murdered his father... IS his father! Coming to grips with that, Luke must help rescue Han from Jabba, The Rebellion must unite for one final battle to destroy a second Death Star, and for Luke he must confront his father to save him one last time! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So which version handled these plots better? (Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I will admit that nothing has changed, no matter how anyone at Lucasfilms tries to change it. This is a solid three-story act with “A New Hope” setting up the universe and where everything is and how evil has taken over everything, where innocent people like Luke’s Guardians are slaughtered. The farm burned to the ground, and no one would waste a breath to care what happened to the Lars family and where or what happened to Luke Skywalker. Where a planet is destroyed, and people react as if it were a Friday! Seeing the Death Star destroyed gave those struggling to fight for Freedom a glimpse of hope. “Empire” still has the best twist in cinema, seeing our heroes fighting and losing a battle, but the war wages onwards. “Jedi” gives us the closure that peace has come, and we see both the costs of the war and the rewards. While the new scenes do not detract from the plot, they slow the pace. Even George’s Ex-Wife Marcia, who worked as an editor on “A New Hope,” felt that the “Special Edition” and the scenes they added into the DVD releases and the ones they put into the Blu-Ray and DIgital versions take away from the pace of the movies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Which gives the point to the original version. Yeah, and expect many of these categories to go to the Original version. Especially the next category!

(Show the covers of the original Star Wars Trilogy and the “Special Edition”s and subsequent DVD and Blu-Ray covers in the depth of space after The Millenium Falcon enters Lightspeed as a powered-up Blue Lightsaber over the Original Trilogy’s Covers. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And now we come to the biggest bone of content for every Star Wars fan, The Editing of these movies or the continuous re-editing of these movies!

(Cut to the moment Han is lowered into the Carbonite and Chewie growls in agony over the moment happening as the fog rises and the Carbonite slab carrying a Hibernating Han Solo and as it slams down to the ground the words in Star Wars text “Editing.” Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Okay, I should clarify why Editing is the biggest bone of contention. Because for every perceived hole they fix, they make a bigger problem. Of course, we will address the first big elephant in the room. The original version of the Cantina scene between Han Solo, played by Harrison Ford, and the character Greedo. Han was the only one who shot, and it was in Self Defense. Of course, in the 1997 special edition, Greedo had to shoot first because, Whatever George wanted, he got it! Of course, subsequent DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital releases have only compounded the problem. Between adding the “McClaunkey” line and doing all the shifting of the timing of who shot first, it has become a nightmare of a moment until they edit the scene to a literal death! But not all the changes were as irritating as when they made some changes to the other two movies with both the Special Edition and subsequent releases on DVD, Blu-Ray and Digital releases. When the trilogy is in 2005, they removed Clive Owen’s voice and the holograph of the mish-mash up of the Emperor’s Hologram and put in its place the emperor we’ve all known performed by Iain McDiarmid. It is one of the few changes that actually work. The one that everyone REALLY got pissed off about is the removal of Sebastian Shaw as Anakin Skywalker in his place is Hayden Christensen in “Return Of The Jedi”, now a lot of fans are saying Anakin didn’t die on The second Death Star, instead Darth Vader died, Anakin died on Mustafar when he lost to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin was set free from the cage of Darth Vader. Then we have the Jabba The Hutt scene in “A New Hope”. Let me say that again, JABBA THE HUTT in “A New Hope”! A lot of people were surprised to see Jabba The Hutt. They digitally made it look like the one we’ve known in “Return Of The Jedi.” Still, again, subsequent changes were made in further releases on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital releases making Jabba look less like the one from “Return Of The Jedi.” But I hope they rectify a minor change: the “NO!” screams in “Return Of The Jedi” recent rereleases. It adds NOTHING! Show, don’t tell; just saying there Lucasfilms! Then we have the Sonic blasts when Alderaan, The Death Star, The Rebel Shield Generator on Hoth, and the second Death Star, which is not really anything to be annoyed with. I could go on forever with all the editing and how everyone noticed it. (Cut to the “Free Hat” Episode of South Park as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):

The editing of these movies and a re-editing of “E.T. The Extraterrestrial” was a plot to an episode of SOUTH PARK! (Cut to the kids reacting to a supposed rerelease of “The Empire Strikes Back,” cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So which one is the better cut? (Cut to clips of the different versions of the Star Wars trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
While George Lucas famously said, “Movies are never finished; they’re abandoned!” I say, “LET THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF THE TRILOGY BE SHOWN TO THE NEWER GENERATIONS AND LET THEM DECIDE!” (Cut to James as he is thinking and regretting that statement. Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Ultimately, I enjoyed the original versions because the editing WAS cleaner and didn’t detract from the movement of the plot and development of the characters. Sometimes simplicity works better than changing so much and losing the natural rhythm of the movie. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
This gives the original cut of the trilogy the second point (Show the covers of the original Star Wars Trilogy and the “Special Edition”s and subsequent DVD and Blu-Ray covers in the depth of space after The Millenium Falcon enters Lightspeed with two powered-up Blue Lightsabers over the Original Trilogy’s Covers. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now if this was a couple of years ago, this is where I would take a break but... (James sits there in silence for five seconds.) I said, “Now if this was a couple of years ago, this is where I would take a break but...” (James sits there in silence for five seconds) What’s going on? Where’s Paulo? (James walks over to Chad’s office.) Chad, where’s Paulo? I thought he would appear as HighLo Bet and take me to be sacrificed to the emperor. (An offscreen Shout of “KEEP DIGGING YOU LOUSY INGRATE OF A KID!” is heard) Crap! (Cut to HighLo Bet as he is digging a hole six feet deep and wide with Steve Kidd holding a rifle at the back of his head)

High-Lo Bet:
Would you listen to reason? (A shot goes off next to High-Lo Bet’s head. He reacts accordingly as we see Steve Kidd reload)

Steve Kidd:
THAT WAS THE LAST WARNING SHOT! NOW DIG YOUR GRAVE! (James runs into the scenario with shock and disbelief)

TLOTA:
Steve, what on earth are you doing? (Cut to Steve and High-lo as High-lo continues to dig)

Steve Kidd:
Making this bastard pay for his sins, especially what he did to his father! (Cut to James as he shakes his head in disbelief)

TLOTA:
STEVE, IT’S NOT KYLO REN; THAT'S PAULO AS HIGH-LO BET! (Cut to Steve and High-lo)

Steve Kidd:
Paulo? As in Paulo Fonseca of Content Candy? (High-lo Bet removes his helmet and reveals himself to be Paulo Fonseca.)

Paulo Fonseca:
NO, Paulo Fonseca, as in the man about to beat your delusional ass! (Cut to Steve Kidd as he says, “Whoops!”. Cut to James as he walks away, and thuds are heard behind James.)

TLOTA:
Well, I guess this bit is dead, so let’s just get to the cast & the characters.

(Cut to the moment Boba Fett is hit by Han Solo’s staff and is launched to Jabba’s ship and digested by the Sarlaac, and as it burps, the words in Star Wars text “Cast & Characters.” come out. Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
What can be said that hasn’t been said about the cast and the characters they play. Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker, Harrison Ford as Han Solo, The Late Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia Organa, The Late Alec Guiness as Obi-Wan Kenobi, The Late David Prouse, The Late Sebastian Shaw, and the still living James Earl Jones and Hayden Christensen as Darth Vader, Frank Oz as Yoda, Billy Dee WIlliams as Lando Calrissian, Temura Morrison/Jeremy Bulloch as Boba Fett, and so many others that it will come as a surprise that I feel that the Special Edition and subsequent DVD and Blu-Ray releases do it better than the originals. The fact that they were able to fix some of the issues like having Iain McDiarmid being the emperor and having Temura voice Boba Fett in Empire Strikes Back. While yes, I would rather not have Jar-Jar Binks in Return of The Jedi. It was nice to also have so much more in terms of where the actors and characters

TLOTA:
So yeah, for the first time in this contest between the two, The Special Edition and subsequent DVD and Blu-Rays get a point!

(Show the covers of the original Star Wars Trilogy and the “Special Edition”s and subsequent DVD and Blu-Ray covers in the depth of space after The Millenium Falcon enters Lightspeed with two powered-up Blue Lightsabers over the Original Trilogy’s Covers and one over the “Special Edition”s and subsequent DVD and Blu-Ray covers. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And now, we come upon the one that will ultimately decide which one is the best cut, “The Re-Watch Factor”

(Cut to the moment Darth Vader [Sans Nos] picks up and tosses The Emperor into the core of the Death Star the words in Star Wars text “The Re-Watch Factor.” are blasted up to the screen. Cut to clips of the different versions of the original trilogy as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With all the changes continually happening with every release, it’s hard to envision anyone in the future remembering just how quickly the originals were so inspirational. What it did for cinema in general, and all the continual changes, seems to be diluting the legacy of what “A New Hope,” “The Empire Strikes Back,” and “Return Of The Jedi” had done for movies. While I’m not against evolving the movie with the changes due to time but eventually, there must be a point where people have to say “STOP! GIVE US THE ORIGINAL EDITIONS, AND LET US ENJOY IT AND SHARE IT WITH THE NEXT GENERATION AND LET PEOPLE DECIDE! So, until that happens, without having to go to third-party bootleggers or having to pay for an RCA to HDMI converter so you can get the VCR copies of the movie to show on the HDTV or however, they can hook up a VCR in the future, I am going to do something unprecedented and call this a no contest! Neither one is getting the point! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So based on the points that have been accrued by the other portions of this segment, the winner by default is The Original version of the Star Wars Trilogy! Because, for a generation, it inspired so many. The continuous changes dilute the essence of the three movies that changed cinema forever. And until the Original Trilogy is available on the latest physical media copy, the re-watch factor will remain unchanged. The superior cut is The Original cut. (Cut to the Death Star run as Darth Vader is just about ready to destroy Luke Skywalker as Han Solo takes out one of Darth Vader’s backups; Han Solo shouts “YAHOO,” and Darth Vader is knocked out of the trench. Han tells Luke to Blow this thing and go home! Luke launches the Original Trilogy and the Special Edition and subsequent DVD, and Blu-Ray covers into the port of the Death Star; the Chain reaction begins as Han and the rebels get the Sith out of Dodge, and the last “Standby!” is alerted before the Death Star goes Kerblammo as The Original Trilogy has two lightsabers over it and the special editions subsequent DVD and Blu-Ray covers have one as the music tells the emotions of the moment as we see the moment of Luke being told by Obi-Wan's spirit “Remember, The Force will be with you, Always!” as the heroes return to Yavin IV and it cuts to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now, as for the prequels and Disney trilogy, which ones are better? Honestly, the Prequels remain better than the Disney Trilogy. (Cut to both the Prequels and Disney Trilogy as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That’s not to say that the Disney Trilogy has no merit. I admit, it will take more time for it to grow into the fandom “Star Wars” has with both the prequels and original trilogies. The Prequels had that same precedent, but it also has the advantage of hindsight. That the prequels were George Lucas trying to return to directing because before then, he was producing and working on Special Effects and improving sound quality in theaters and movies, and advancing how movies had been made. While yeah, it was clear he never fully shook the cobwebs out, and people pounced on everything he did wrong. I tried to focus on what he did right, he had to tell the fall of Anakin Skywalker and the republic, and the rise of the Empire and Darth Vader, and it was the slow burn I think fans disliked the most. Me, it was worth the wait to see the events that led to what happened in the original trilogy. It’s going to take time for the Disney Trilogy to get there. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For now, I am going to do something that has LONG been overdue and give everyone a vacation, there is a top 10 coming up later this month, but that has already been done, and let’s say I will be admitting mistakes made. I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.