The "Reunion" Slice Of Pie

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours and now we’ve come to the final slice of pie and believe me I wish it was good. (Cut to title card of “American Reunion”. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Reunion” may just be the least liked film in the entry because it had the idea of trying to put our fully-grown adult protagonists back into high school shenanigans and hope it works. Well it took a few years but it happened better as John Cena, Ike Barenholtz and Leslie Mann did it in a similar movie, but will this movie be as good as “Blockers”? Or will this final slice of pie leave me with a bad taste in my mouth? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let’s get this final slice of pie in us this is “American Reunion” (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie begins with… (Audio of “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly) What?  (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it) OKAY TIME OUT! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I SEE SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS INTRO! (Show opening as it shows Michelle taking care of the baby and Jim on his laptop as the song plays over it as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):

Number One) The Song that plays in this opening minute! “Bump N Grind” by R. Kelly?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! AS OF THIS POST AS FAR AS I KNOW, AND FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME IN THE COMMENT SECTION IF I’M WRONG,  R.KELLY IS IN A PRISON CELL WITH THE TRAMP STAMP OF “CHOMO” BRANDED ON HIM AS HIS CELLMATE IS WEAVING UP AND DOWN THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY!

Number Two) WHY SUCH A LAME SET UP?! BETWEEN THE “CHOMO”’S SONG IN THE FOREGROUND I THOUGHT, ME PERSONALLY THEY WERE DOING IT WITH THEIR SON IN THE BEDROOM PROVING JIM’S DAD WRONG.

And finally, WHY IS JIM USING THE “CHOMO”’S SONG BEING USED TO HELP HIS KID WHILE LOOKING UP PORN WHEN HIS WIFE IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP HIM! GAAH! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’re already a minute and a half into this movie and I am now foaming at the mouth, this is not good for me! I can see it getting worse before it gets better! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Anyway, we soon discover that Jim and Michelle have a son and their sex life has hit a lull as Michelle finds heaven whispering sweet nothings to a shower head and Jim as he should done in the first movie use the internet for what it’s for. (Show clip of James and his male friends singing Trekkie’s lines in “The Internet is for Porn” from the first “American Pie“ movie review. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Did I just use a clip of me and my friends in January where we sang the first Chorus of “The Internet Is For Porn”?  I must be getting low on different clips. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim’s son Evan played by George Christopher Bianchi interrupts daddy during his private time, Jim slams his laptop on his penis probably giving the poor kid a serious psychological scar which will never heal. We soon meet up with Jim as he gets a call from Kevin talking about a Reunion as we see Kevin having happily gotten over Vicki with his wife Ellie played by Charlene Amoia and promising no Stiffler. But apparently Finch and Oz have lost touch with  Jim and Kevin as we see Oz now one step away from “Benchwarmers 2” as a sports commentator on a sports news series and is a successful celebrity dating a woman by the name of Mia played Katrina Bowden as her “Interior redecorator” played by Raheem Babalola hang out hot tub side. And we soon find out that Stiffler still collecting those Sexual restraining orders while working at a Investment firm being made to suffer the slings and arrows of his boss. Finally getting a small amount of Comeuppance for his Jackassery. Meanwhile Jim, Michelle and Evan make it to Jim’s dad’s place as we discover that he had a young friend named Kara who invites Jim to her 18^th birthday party and I have Captain Benson on Speed dial just for the record. Jim once again returns to “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” when we discover Jim’s mom has since passed on meaning Molly Cheek was too busy to get involved in this turkey and I personally can’t blame her. Meanwhile they talk about Evan’s future Sex Life as Kevin, Jim, Oz and Finch who apparently dropped off the map find their way to their local bar as the bartender named Selena played by Dania Ramirez finds the old clip of Jim’s shame. Stiffler now living with his mom and finding the others. We soon see they look to their senior class wishes and know that many of them are feeling as if they haven’t achieved their desires yet and decide to get together for the raunchiest weekend of their lives as we soon cut to Jim passed out in the Kitchen having no pants and no idea what in the hell happened and (Cut to every clip of Will Smith in “Fresh Prince Of Bel Air as he shouts “MAMA NO!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And I agree with Will on this one, I need a moment myself.

(The scene fades to black as James shouts “MAMA NO!” and the echo permeates the sound of the commercial break before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As everyone once again heads upstate for the weekend we soon discover that Jim and the others they’re not as they once were, and Finch says probably the biggest load in the history of the franchise. (Show clip of Finch saying “Us, our generation, We were more mature” repeatedly as clips of them doing sexual things that’d get them into trouble with the law now a days. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah you were Finch, Whatever gets you through another day I suppose. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and the others look at Oz’s Girlfriend and let’s face it, she’s good looking but unless you’ve got something awesome, it’s just a pretty wrapper. Speaking of which, one moment. (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller’s office as she is working on certain things and James comes in and surprise kisses her)

Julia Alexa Miller:
What was that about?

TLOTA:
Just wanted to thank you for being something awesome in my life.

Julia Alexa Miller:
No Donkey Show at the B.P.

TLOTA:
I wasn’t going down that route, we’re probably gonna have a cake with the guys and have a Chicken Barbeque.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well as long as I…

TLOTA:
You can go Frickin’ Hog Wild at your Girls Night Out!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thank you. (The two kiss and James walks away. Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Oz soon rediscovers Heather as she and her boyfriend Ron meet and a punk named AJ who I assume is a distant relative to Stiffler as he decides anything Stiffler did he can do more of and get away with it but our five friends band together to get those guys for the shenanigans they would’ve done if they had no inhibitions as Stiffler gives them a dose of their own medicine by dumping in their cooler and then proceeds to destroy their jet skis! Meanwhile Vicky arrives and the gang makes it to Kara’s 18^th Birthday Party just as sparks fly between Finch and Selena, Oz and Heather and their significant others chat with another as Oz’s significant other Kara gets drunk leaving Jim to take her home and apparently Kevin and Vicky had a night where they hook up.  Meanwhile Stiffler has an opportunity to get out of being a Temp as he has to set up a presentation for his boss while trying to get to the reunion. Amid all of that, Kara believes there’s something between her and Jim and that leads to a party at Stiffler’s and before you can say “Been There, Done That”. A brawl ensues at the Party, Michelle and Jim hit the rough patch after what happened between him and Kara is revealed, Jim’s dad even after knowing Stiffler decides to join Stiffler in drinking and meets Stiffler’s mom, Oz’s Girlfriend gets hopped up on Ecstasy and Heather’s Boyfriend known as D-Ron turns out to be a D-Bag and both Heather and Oz reunite, Finch is arrested for stealing a Motorcycle and everyone admits they hate Stiffler because of him being Stiffler. Feeling like the loser he should be, he ends the party! (Cut to Stiffler walking away from the others ending the party as the audio of Eric Cartman shouting “Get the hell out I said! The Party’s over, GET OUT GOD DAMN IT!” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Geez Stiffler, if you don’t like the truth, just do what most people do, get into Politics! (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The next morning everyone suffer the ramifications from the party hit everyone comes to the reunion Finch got bailed out as he tells the truth as he reveals he’s an assistant manager at Staples and was denied a raise, so in turn he stole his bosses’ motorcycle. They also apologize to Stiffler because without him, High School even with everything that’s happened to them was interesting and fun and after saying what he said to his boss which in the real world would get him fired. The five hit the reunion. Stiffler becomes a Party Planner for two of his friend’s wedding and finds Finch’s mom and hooks up with her in an act of revenge to Finch as he hooked up with Stiffler’s mom,  Jessica comes out as a lesbian, Selena and Finch apologize and hookup, Nadia meets up with everyone, Jim after letting Kara know what it is with him reunites with Michelle. And our movie ends with our friends agreeing to meet at least once a year as everyone moves back to town even though Finch and Selena plan to go traveling for a while and in a mid-credit scene Jim’s dad and Stiffler’s mom decide to date. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “American Reunion” and all things considered, it was a good send off slice of “Pie” but not as good it should’ve been. (Cut to clips of “American Reunion” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All things considered it wasn’t a bad movie it just felt like month old pie. The acting was good as was the story and the fact they restrained themselves in the usage of Gross out humor is a positive but a lot of it feels Cut, Copy and Paste in terms of where the movie was going to go.  It feels like its saying to its audience “Yeah we’re as old as you are, and we’ve given everything we had, and I hope it was a fun nostalgia trip for you.” And for me, it was a good idea just poorly conceived at the point it was made.  It took a few years to perfect it with “Blockers”. If you enjoyed it, good for you.  I tried to enjoy it but ultimately this was the one slice of pie too many for me to stomach.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion.

"Pie" slice number "2"

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. Well after the success of the first movie, Universal saw dollar signs in that there pie and decided to take a second slice! (Cut to title card of “American Pie 2”. Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
“American Pie 2” continues the adventures of Jim, Oz, Stiffler, Kevin and the rest of the gang as they take a summer break after their first years in college, see if the feelings they have for one another is real or was just a flaky crust filled with lies. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s see if this slice is as good as the first one, this is “American Pie 2”. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Our movie opens in college as Jim and a lady friend as he tries to continue his sexual escapades just as Jim’s parents played again by Eugene Levy and Molly Cheek  surprise him in mid-escapade leading to Jim’s dad dropping the beer, Jim becoming embarrassed, Jim’s mom to drop a pie (NOT THAT KIND! GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS) And Jim’s lady friend’s father to come in and nearly kill Jim.  After our opening credit, we see Oz studying as Stiffler continues to be as annoying as anyone like him would be. After getting through a final exam for the year Oz picks up Heather and Kevin joins them. Back with Jim, as he is staying with his parents in what fans of this franchise has called “Jim’s Bedroom Of Shame” as his thoughts turn to his friends and Nadia. Jim’s dad tells how he found out about the Nadia incident through the PTA and how he and Jim’s mom did it for the first time. After that Finch, Jim, Kevin and Oz meet at their hangout as they talk about their conquests in their freshman college year, which I would not divulge even to my friends. Meanwhile Stiffler is fast tracking himself to devolving into a Quagmire knockoff! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Seriously dude, someone needs to call SVU and give him a hard way to go! AGAIN, HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTERS! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim is reminded of The Nadia incident again, Oz must say goodbye to Heather, While Heather and Vicki return just in time to come to Stiffler’s party. As Kevin and Vicki try to reignite some old sparks, Stiffler tries to return Oz to his old chauvinistic self and Finch is creepily perv stalking Stiffler’s mom! However old wounds are opened as Stiffler catches Finch in the act and nearly kills the dude! Not long after that Stiffler decides to woo a teenager with as Chris Jericho has been known for saying as of late (Cut to Chris Jericho saying, “A Little Bit Of The Bubbly!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) However one Patron can’t hold his piss and long story short Stiffler gets a Golden Shower instead of the lady he was into at the party! As the cops breaks the party up. Kevin and his brother talk about how he feels somewhat disconnected from the other and Kevin’s brother decides to help by getting him a lake shore place so that he, Jim, Finch and Oz can spend the summer with each otherer and bond. Just as that goes on Nadia got back into the country legally, I hope, and gets a chance to talk to Jim and Nadia is coming to meet him at the end of the summer! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well Jim, you’re boned! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Worried he might not be able to get it done, AGAIN! Oz and Finch try to reassure Jim he’ll be fine just as Kevin gets the cabin and hope for the best this summer. However, leave it to Stiffler to join them and make it hard for them to enjoy said summer. Kevin lays out some ground rules and hopes Stiffler and Finch can remain in neutral corners. As the five set themselves up in their cabin, Kevin gets them a summer job. Meanwhile Jim thinks of Michelle as he stalks her by going to her band camp! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay this movie is close to getting restraining orders from EVERYONE on my team! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim finds Michelle teaching Flute to some campers, Jim asks if he was any good, Michelle says he was not! OUCH! However, Michelle decides to get Jim to stay incognito and wouldn’t you know it, Summer Camp hilarity does NOT ensue as Jim is given a trombone, mistaken for someone named Petey and can’t play for crap and blows it. I swear I think a title they floated around was “Jim Levinstein’s Life as an embarrassing and never ending spiral of shame and sadness, leading to him eventually killing himself taking down a perv named Steve Stiffler in a van down by the river” But went with the American Pie moniker because it was simpler! As Kevin sets up a party in which the guests are 99% male and 1% female. But leave it to Stiffler to try and add more ladies to the party which surprisingly works. After that Jessica and Stiffler talk about the opposite ends of “The Rule Of Three” whatever that means! The five pie guys discover ladies live in the house they’re painting. Meanwhile Heather and Oz quickly discover that distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder so get that through your heads humanity and they hit the rough shores of Phone sex as the two are cockblocked by Stiffler! Speaking of Stiffler, he tries to prove his theory right by searching through their house and wouldn’t you know Jim, Stiffler and Finch are busted and forced to kiss and the fact they get busted as it’s heard throughout town! Even worse, Stiffler’s theory of them being Lesbians is blown out of the water! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
TO EVERY LGBTQ PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE, THE GALAXY AND BEYOND AS A HETEROSEXUAL MALE WHO IS INTO WOMEN AND A REPUBLICAN WHICH MEANS, IN THE MAINSTREAM NEWS/MEDIA, I, THE “ENEMY” OF YOUR EXISTENCE ONE HUNDRED TRILLION, DECA-QUADRILLION PERCENT MEAN WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY! I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MOVIE FRANCHISE’S EXISTANCE! (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Stiffler tries to make up for their mishaps, his mother calls to tell she’s going to be in town for the party and Jim invites Michelle to the shindig and to wonder why she left. Her rational? It was a date and that was it, there was nothing more to it! (Cut to Naked Gun 33 & 1/3 head slapping scene. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As Michelle tries to give pointers to Jim it appears the two are getting closer to an actual romantic relationship! If that happens, I’ma calling “Ripley’s”! Meanwhile our friends continue their plans for the party Jim mistakes Super Glue for personal lubricant and with one hand on his junk and the other on a porn tape! Seriously Jim, your life is a series of mishaps that end with you getting drunk and killing yourself in a van down by the river! After that Jim now questions how messed up his life is! But the fact that James’ dad has his back is a positive. After that, Heather and Oz continue to sail on rough waters on the relationship. Just as that goes on Nadia surprises Jim by arriving a week early. Coming up with a plan quickly Michelle and Jim begin a fake romance which quickly and surprisingly start to become real even though he tries to still hook up with Nadia. (Cut to James physically as he takes off his glasses)

TLOTA:
Jim, you have got to be the BIGGEST SCHMUCK ON THE PLANET! WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU HAVE A BAND CAMP GIRL THAT OKAY YOU STALKED BUT STILL SHE’S GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY AND WILL ROCK YOUR SOCK OFF TO JUPITER AND BACK! ANY GUY, EVEN A POOR HAPLESS JACKASS LIKE ME WOULD WALK BAREFOOT, BUCKNAKED AND BACKWARDS THROUGH HELL FOR THAT! YOU PUTZ! I TAKE BACK ANY SYMPATHETIC NOTION I HAD ABOUT YOU AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MISERY YOU BRING UPON YOURSELF TO THE POINT YOU WIND UP OFFING YOURSELF IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Okay, now that I got that out of my system, let’s get back to work (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim and Michelle fake break up so he can hook up with Nadia, Michelle discovers something she never felt, real emotions for Jim outside of knowing he’s the embarrassment of his graduating class and she honey potted him! But no time for that, it’s party time. Kevin loses Vicki to a date, Nadia sees that Jim loves Michelle more than her and basically says “GET HER BACK YOU SCHMUCK!” after telling Nadia his band camp story and he realizes his feelings for Michelle, Kevin decides to move on past Vicki, Stiffler’s little brother actually arrives not Stiffler’s mom and tries to hook up with older women but Stiffler puts him on Police patrol but finds himself with the fake lesbians on the radio, Finch tells ladies about tantra, Heather and Oz reunite after a summer apart, Sherman and Nadia surprisingly hook up! The fake lesbians arrive, and Stiffler says he’ll do anything for them, just as Michelle performs her solo Jim arrives trombone in hand and the two fall in love right there and then! And I immediately regret my rant. As the party ends everyone finds themselves in the best point in their lives. And as the Summer ends Stiffler’s mom arrives and before you can say “Stat Rape level 2” She and Finch drive off into the sunset! What a way to end the second movie?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was “American Pie 2” and as a sequel it’s no “Empire Strikes Back” but when it comes to raising the bar in its own universe, it didn’t need to do that much. (Cut to clips of “American Pie 2” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
While I did find parts of it interesting, like the continuation of where the story started and most of the character development is positive though I wish we got some explanation as to why certain characters are like. Say why Michelle just seems to be so dismissive towards men’s advances. Or why Stiffler continues to act like a high school jackass, even though he’s in college. Plus, much like the first movie, it shows its age quickly. However, despite my problems with it, I do find it entertaining. A Popcorn flick for those who are 18 and over but otherwise not the worst movie in the franchise. A good second movie in a series and I don’t think it will be forgotten any time soon.  (Cut to James as he hears a knock on the door)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Cut to the door as Julia Alexa Miller opens the door and walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So how much longer do you have before you’re done. (Julia Alexa Miller walks to James)

TLOTA:
I’ve got two more theatrical releases and the four straight-to-DVD films.  But you know something, I’ll take a break until next month to continue with the rest of this!  (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So what’s the plan for what we have coming up?

TLOTA:
Well I’m thinking for the first time in years I wait until Feb. 15^th to continue (Audible gasps are heard) There’s a reason why! Let’s just say I’ve got for the first time in a long time to celebrate Valentine’s Day. So, see everyone on the 15^th, I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and that’s my opinion!

The First Slice of "American Pie"

(Scene begins as “Laid” by James plays in the foreground while a group of execs played by Team TLOTA trade their Charts, Graphs, etc., for pie baking utensils as they make the perfect pie crust then fill it with the nastiest bodily fluids possible then slap it in the oven, pull it out and the pie explodes. Cut to later as they clean up the mess and notice an entire series of movies. Cut to the outside of James’ office as he picks them up and sighs as the door closes as the words “American Pie” Bakery” are seen. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and the views I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. In 1999, apparently there was a list of movies that were meant to be a good substitute for watching “Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” and near the top of the list was a little known movie called “American Pie”  (Cut to the title card of “American Pie” then clips from the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
This movie somehow became the biggest sleeper hit 1999. But how did that happen and how did it become a successful enough franchise to have so many movies. Well from starting now until March we’re going to look at all of them. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And since there are eight movies, including the Straight to DVD stuff, I’ve got no time to waste let’s dive right in with our first slice of “American Pie” (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
All right we’re quickly introduced to young Jim Levinstein played by Jason Biggs as he tries to alleviate himself while watching scrambled porn on Cable, So, yeah here’s where everything shows its age because had the filmmakers waited, he could’ve… Well… I hate to do this but well… (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Paulo? Nick? Eric? John? Mike? Andrew? Ed? (Cut to the Door as Paulo, Nick, Eric, John, Mike, Andrew & Ed show up and Join James)

Paulo Fonseca, Nick Yaun, Eric Kurtzke, John Santos, Mike Santos, Andrew Beach & Ed Champion (In Unison):
We’re ready. (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Let’s do this! (James stands up and the instrumental of “The Internet Is For Porn” play as they sing Trekkie’s lines)

Men of Team TLOTA (Singing In Harmony):
The Internet is for porn! The Internet is for Porn! Why do you think the net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn!

TLOTA:
Okay, now we got that out of our systems. Let’s move on! (James grabs the right side of the review pulling in the clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Jim tries to go to bed, his mom played by Molly Cheek and his father played by Eugene Levy discover he’s watching something more adult than what he lets on. After that bit of embarrassment, we soon meet Oz played by Chris Klein and for the record, I’m not making the jokes you think I would with something like this it’s called decorum.  While Oz and Jim talk about well what Hollywood thinks teens talk about we’re soon introduced to Kevin played by Thomas Ian Nicholas and Vicky played by continual Internet Reviewer fodder for a train wreck of a career Tara Reid as apparently Vicky got into the college of her dreams, Kevin is worried he might lose her to some College hunk! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Dude, trust me, you will thank your lucky stars it won’t work out! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
We’re soon introduced to several other character like Jessica played by future “Blade Trinity” victim Natasha Lyonne and Michele played by constant second banana Alyson Hannigan as we see their day to day lives. We also meet Finch played by Eddie Kaye Thomas as he and apparently everyone is psyched about a party at Stiffler’s and speaking of Stiffler, we soon see him in all his obnoxious glory played by Sean William Scott. As they prep for Stiffler’s party we hear about how “Third Base” is like Apple Pie. Not a good analogy but what do I know? Meanwhile at Stiffler’s party we’re introduced to Nadia played by a young Shannon Elizabeth as a character named Sherman is looking to get some. Meanwhile as Jim makes contact to Nadia and fails faster than you can say Hindenburg! Stiffler in the meanwhile tosses Michelle and her friends in band from the party. Just as Oz’s date with his College date basically shuts him down with College intellect when it comes to dating! As Jim and Oz bemoan how they tanked with their women, Kevin and Vicky get their moment ruined by Stiffler until he notices a certain cup of brew with a certain fluid and faster than my buddy Rowdy can grab his barf bucket, Stiffler drinks Beer skunked with Splooge then blows it in every way possible. I apologize for being so crude, but if the movie isn’t going to be subtle, I can try to be a little better than the material unless I must be graphic. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Trust me it’s not gonna get easier for me as this goes on. I’m going to take a break, watch something more intellectual like the latest Law & Order SVU episode.

(The scene fades to black before cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before fading to black then cutting to James as he stands on top of a slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Not long after that we’re soon introduced to the acronym “MILF” which of course means “Mother I’d like to… (Cut to clip of Olivia Benson from the “Law & Order: SVU” Season 10 episode as she says “Oh, I know what it means” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) After Kevin blows his chance with Vicky, we cut to the next day as the four of them make a pact to lose their virginity by Graduation. (Show clip of “The Pact”. Cut to James physically as he laughs)

TLOTA (Laughing while talking):
Oh you four, you stand about as much of a chance of getting some as me watching the New York Jets winning the Super Bowl, but we’ll see come this fall. (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
So yeah, the four lay down the ground rules for their pact and they prepare in any way they can as we see… WAIT A SECOND! (Record scratches as the footage stops) JIM HAS A COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM?! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I…DID… AN ENTIRE CHORUS OF “THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN” FOR FRICKING NOTHING?! One moment! (Cut to James as he walks out of his office as he passes by The ladies of Team TLOTA who have complaints and James walks by them grabbing their written complaints, reading them, heading down the stairs and a loud “F” Bomb is exploded as a Church Organ off-screen drowns out the impact of it, James comes through the door a lot more calm and walks past the ladies of Team TLOTA)

Rebecca Yaun:
Damn! That was the loudest profanity I ever heard, while I wasn’t in bed with Nick! (The other ladies look at Rebecca. Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kevin tries to get back with Vicki we discover Oz has joined the Chorus and notices Heather played by Mena Suvari as well as seeing an untapped resource for well (Cut to clip of Batman Returns as Max Shreck says “Unlimited Poon tang!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) While that goes on Jim’s dad decides to share his own “Stash” of rather adult material and some unnecessary advice. Trust me when I say Jim’s dad is not subtle though because it is Eugene Levy, he does his best to make the material funny! Meanwhile A young girl is enamored with Finch and Kevin offers to help her out. Also, apparently talking to his brother Tom played by Casey Affleck about his situation with inherits the rights to use what is known as “The Bible”? What is “The Bible” outside of the good book in church? Apparently, it’s a special book filled with tips and tricks on how to land the right woman! (Cut to James as he scoffs)

TLOTA:
As if that works! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Meanwhile we get the moment that this movie is known for. (Cut to clip of Jim putting his privates into an apple pie, then cut to clip of “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” as Jason Biggs complains about how he’s known for putting his privates into an apple pie! Cut back to the movie as Jim puts it in the Pie and Jim’s dad says “Well, we’ll just tell your mother that, that we ate it all” Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well folks, that’s one way to ruin a pie! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
As Kevin becomes more knowledgeable thanks to “The Bible”, Oz shows off his Lacrosse skills to Heather and the two start to get more intimate and Heather asks Oz to the prom. Meanwhile Kevin makes up for his stupidity by making Vicky well… (Cut to Kevin making Vicki Orgasm and Kevin popping up as signs of him getting certain STDs every time he pops up while making her Orgasm. Cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) As Jim’s dad continues to tiptoe through the minefield on a Pogo Stick with the subtle advice. Jim finally talks to Nadia and invites her back to his place for studying. Meanwhile Oz apparently blows it with Heather. Just as that goes on, Jim blurts out that he could post them being on the internet. Again, I went through the whole “Internet is for Porn” gag already. In the meanwhile, Oz decides to get back into Heather’s good graces by Volunteering to sing a duet on Saturday with her. (Cut to clip of Captain America: The Winter Soldier as The Falcon tries to outrun the destruction of the Triskelion and screams “NOT AN OPTION!” Cut back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) You see he has big game on that day, what to do? No time for resolution now as we get… (Show clip of Nadia as she gets undressed and everyone enjoys it. Cut to James as he walks away and goes into the Kitchen of the Studio, sipping on some Hot Chocolate when Julia Alexa Miller walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Hey James, how’s the review going? (Cut to James sitting with a cup of Hot Chocolate.)

TLOTA:
In a word, Disastrous! (Julia Alexa Miller walks over to James)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Talk to me… Please.

TLOTA:
Okay, lets say you had a crush on someone when you were younger, You discover there is nothing between yourself and your crush, then you see something that reminded you why you fell for your crush in the first place, is it wrong to have the feelings you had then where you are now?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Totally lost

TLOTA:
It’s American Pie and I’m seeing the infamous Webcam moment of Nadia as played by Shannon Elizabeth and she’s undressed!

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh I see, and you had tried not to think of it.

TLOTA:
Exactly because for me when I want a relationship, I want to touch someone through their Minds and Hearts first, then go for the rest of the body.

Julia Alexa Miller:
That’s a great way of trying to get through to someone the right way, but even you had urges, still do, don’t ya?

TLOTA:
Yeah, I mean she probably doesn’t look as good as (Show image of Shannon Elizabeth 2020 and James says “WOW!”. Cut to James and Julia Alexa Miller) Look, if you’re okay with me well having those urges but knowing I have you, it’s all good, right?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Yeah, so get back to the review. (James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss and James walks away to leave Julia Alexa Miller to look at Shannon Elizabeth)

Julia Alexa Miller:
If I weren’t with James, I’d go for her no questions asked. (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Sure enough, Jim apparently sent the Webcam address to every student in the body to see Nadia’s body and is embarrassed when Nadia forces him to Strip! This goes as well as expected. (Show clip of Jim stripping, cut to clip of “Fairly Oddparents” as the entire planet shakes from laughter. Cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) As it looks like Jim is about to blow Nadia, he shoots himself in the foot and Nadia begins to leave when he tries the rough advice his dad gave and then… (Show clip of Jim being shown Nadia’s Nether region and everyone reacts with a “Holy Shit”, Cut to a clip of “Suburban Knights as Joe & Paw shout “HOLY SHIT!”, cut back to the movie as James does his voiceover) After blowing it again, Jim is now the laughing stock of the school, Hell even Charlie Brown is laughing at this poor schmuck! But enough of Jim’s humiliation, we continue as Oz practices his singing in hopes to make it to both the big game and the concert! As that goes on, Nadia is deported back to her homeland Michelle goes on about Band Camp and Jim figures she was the only one not to see him shoot himself twice with Nadia and asks Michelle out. Meanwhile Oz and Heather’s relationship continues to deepen while Stiffler strikes out with someone who wants Finch. Which we discover his reputation is a fabrication of Jessica’s imagination. After that, we discover that Stiffler slipped in a little laxative into Finch’s Coffee drink and well (Show clip of Finch going to the bathroom in the girls room in the school and audio of James screaming as he relieves himself and the smell drives out the girl and Finch humiliated by Stiffler. Cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) After that Vicki and Kevin’s relationship hits the rocks and apparently Kevin can’t tell Vicki he loves her because he’s waiting for it to be Perfect. (Cut to clip of George Takei saying, “You are made of Stupid!”, cut back to the movie as James does a voiceover) As that happens Heather has come up with a back up partner should Oz miss the concert and wouldn’t you know it, Oz gives up the game to be at the concert for Heather (A group of people go “Awe!” while that happens. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) As everyone prepare for Prom night and the party afterwards. We see Finch sad and alone, while the other couples find themselves enjoying their company. Jim says the pact is done when Finch and Jessica dance in each other’s company and Sherman is exposed to be a fraud. OUCH! Soon enough everyone’s ready to party the night away at Stiffler’s Lake house. Meanwhile Michelle tells Jim about the One time which I must censor for the sake of decency! (Show clip of Michelle as she says, “And this one time at Band Camp I… [Cuckoo tweets drown out the rest of Michelle’s Story] and Jim spit takes” Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
Soon after that, Finch and Stiffler’s mom played by one of the funniest women on the planet Jennifer Coolidge hook up, as does Kevin and Vicki. Heather and Oz, and as for Jim and Michelle. (Show clip of Jim being manhandled by Michelle, Heather and Oz enjoy themselves as does Kevin and Vicki, Stiffler is shocked by his mom being with Finch. Cut to the end of the movie as James continues his voiceover) The following morning Kevin and Vicki decide to part ways, Thank your lucky stars Kevin on that one, Jim realizes Michelle used him and played him like a fiddle, Stiffler reacts as one would when he sees a friend hook up with his mom and our group of friends talk about how they’re ready for that next step and our movie ends with Jim stripping down to “One Week” and Nadia seeing it on a webcam. I truly do wish that things get better for Jim as these movies go on. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
So that was “American Pie” and despite certain things that shows its age, it holds up! (Cut to clips of “American Pie” as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (Voiceover):
The acting is good, the story while having moments where I had to question my quality moved well enough for my liking and in some weird way it made me feel nostalgic for some time that in reality never really happened and I appreciate a lot of the characters arcs and stories. If you want something that while crude has some quality, I highly suggest you check it out and see how sweet this slice of pie truly is. (Cut to James Physically)

TLOTA:
So that’s one down and about three more Theatrically and four Straight to DVD movies to go and next time, we’re going to the second slice which will be… (James looks at his schedule) GADZOOKS! NEXT WEEK! I got work to do! I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and See you next week!