The Powers That Be: All the Powers that glitters are not a "Goldmember"

(Scene begins on the streets of Hollywood as “Hurray For Hollywood” on a guitar plays as James and Chad drive through the city.)

TLOTA (Audio only):
Yeah, I’m in town until I can find her, Rowdy  Yeah, I’d like to do a crossover, but our schedules just continue to clash, Hopefully later this year. Alright, Yep, Okay, Maybe  Stay Rowdy Dude  (Cut to James and Chad as they park outside a studio and step out of the car.)

TLOTA:
Okay, according to the tracker, Dr. Vile’s base is over there. First chance we can get, we rescue Alex, and we get out of this den of hell!

Chad Narducci:
Come on, James, can’t you feel the incredible power from this city?

TLOTA:
The only power I feel from this place is the power of evil that Mattling from The Dead Talk Back talked about, and the levels of evil emanating from here would make that nutjob go through the friggin’ roof. As a matter of fact, I think I see him trying to convert the Bloods and Crips to (Gunshots ring out) Ah, never mind Mattling is running for his life as the two gangs want to smoke him like a Ham!

Chad Narducci:
Mattling, and you can call it evil, I call it entertainment MOJO  HIT THE MUSIC! 

(“Soul Bossa Nova” plays in the foreground as Chad’s feet start to get into the groove, and he asks James to join him, and James declines as Chad gets into the dancing sensation as the music starts to get into the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as Chad runs into the studio without a pass and James tells the  security guard and they run as Chad dances his way into a scene in a Marvel movie and James and the guard apologies then run out as Chad comes to the orchestra as they play the theme and he tiptoes past the band and James stops momentarily as he comes up to the conductor.)

TLOTA:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incidental music maker for The Last Of The Americans Isaac “Fro Magnum Man” Ross  This is the man who gives our series the full-on out MOJO  (Isaac and James high-five each other as the music continues and James run into a studio as a music video director as the director on the set asks for quiet as James sees Chad ready to dance.) Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me  (Chad begins to dance with a young pop star whose career will be over by the time this review is out as James sighs and starts to dance as it’s revealed to be a Shedroid that can’t handle James’ power she explodes and Chad runs from James.) For the love of peat moss, CHAD!  (The music kicks back up and Chad goes on dancing and the music and James runs after him again as Chad does Jazz hands and is raised with James kicking and screaming Chad’s name as he’s caught on a rope on the rising stand hanging upside down with the music reaching a crescendo and James shouting “CHAD!” as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as the Dr. Evil theme soundalike plays and it cuts to the interior of the base of Dr. Vile as he overlooks the Hollywood sign.)

Dr. Vile:
So, with Agent 428 now disposed of, let us now...(the sound of doors getting boomed as troops run through the lair as James and Chad carrying  machine guns lead the assault.)

TLOTA:
You’re under arrest!

Chad Narducci:
So get on your knees and put your hands on your (Chad’s Machine gun goes off everyone ducks as the Frau Farbissina, Mini-Me, Number 2, and Scott espies are taken out, and the gun runs out of ammo. James looks and sees the slaughter that took place  James stammers and stumbles on his words for a few seconds.)

TLOTA:
Do you know that the only reason I’m not choking you right now is the fact that Alex is possibly in a convoluted death trap, and I have to focus my energy on rescuing her and kicking that numb nutted, bald sumbitch a new butthole  (Cut to Dr. Vile)

Dr. Vile:
First off, you caught me and killed everyone around me in the first act of your review. Where will the story go from here? Secondly, I don’t have Alex. She never arrived; I thought she did; I was wrong. Sorry Agent 428  (Cut to a perplexed James and Chad.)

Chad Narducci:
What the Funk and Wagnalls did you just say? (James’ communicator beeps as he answers it.)

TLOTA:
Hello, what’s up, chief?  She was Where? You mean to tell me that we (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller in the waiting room at the II-DOD hours later as James is standing with his face in front of a wall and Chad standing with his face in front of another wall!) wasted months of traveling FOR NOTHING! 

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, you caught a villain, and from what I heard, the two of you got along better than you have for years.

TLOTA:
Alex, you were trapped in the broom closet for a couple of hours, had it not been for Rebecca and Nick, it would’ve been worse for you.

Chad Narducci:
Now, as for us catching Dr. Vile, according to the leader of the free world, he has a catch and release program for terrorists who want to take over the world with a caveat. With each failure of their plan, they forfeit whatever technology they create, and their capital is added to the national debt relief!

Julia Alexa Miller:
So the two of you did all this for nothing. What was the point of the trip?! 

Chad Narducci:
That’s the trillion-dollar question  (The door opens as Chief Development walks in)

Chief Development:
Agent 428, we would like you to get started on your review and the paperwork for everything that happened, you as well, Mr. Narducci. However, in separate rooms, Miss Miller, I would like to firstly express my apologies for any inconvenience you experienced. We would like to Debrief you about what happened first, Agent 428. Mr. Narducci will be debriefed later on  (Cut to James as he does his paperwork in the same style of “Hot Fuzz” with the few people who survived Chad’s accidental onslaught. Cut to James just as he finishes his paperwork.) 

TLOTA:
…And DONE  Well, let’s get to it  (Cut to the title card of Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER then to clips of Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, after the critical and commercial success of the second movie, New Line Cinema and Mike Myers went to the well one more time and came up with a few new drops of water while the rest of it feels more cut and paste than the Terminator Sequels after Terminator 2: Judgement Day  But is the movie that bad and boring that there’s no comedy to be found after two successes  Where can Austin go now  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’ll find out now, this is Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER 

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off in the Utah desert as Austin comes from out of the sky and takes out a copter featuring one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen as WAIT A SECOND? TOM CUCKOO CLOCK CRUISE IS AUSTIN POWERS, AND FRIGGING PEPPER POTTS HERSELF GWYNETH PALTROW IS HIS LOVE INTEREST? AND DR. EVIL IS NOW PLAYED BY KEVIN SPACEY AND AND AND MINI-ME IS BEING PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
WHAT THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, to my surprise, Austin is in Hollywood as a movie is being made about his exploits with Dr. Evil, and it’s being directed by Steven Spielberg. My mind is already exhausted. After a fourth-wall-breaking dancing opening credit montage which has cameos from both Quincy Jones and Britney “Trainwreck at 40” Spears, We soon discover Dr. Evil doing more psychological damage to Scott, talking about Johann Van Der Smut, who loved gold so much he wanted his junk smelt in gold  Losing it in the process, he took on the alias Goldmember  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And who is playing Goldmember  (Cut to a still of Goldmember as a ding dong is heard and Mike Myers’ name appears as it cuts to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You said it, Robert Wagner  (Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Dr. Evil plans a new preparation for a tractor beam called Preparation H, Austin and the Ministry Of Defense come in. Apparently, Dr. Evil’s lair had a mole played by American sweetheart Fred Savage. After Dr. Evil is sentenced to 400 years in prison, Austin, FINALLY after a brief mentioning of it in the first movie, is knighted, Hoping to see his father be there; however, once we see that he is MIA, Austin heads back to his pad to swing a little to blow off the steam of his father not being there  While with twins which is on his very weird-ass bucket list which is on par with Shatner’s, Basil interrupts letting us know that Nigel Powers played by the now-retired Michael Caine was kidnapped after Austin was knighted  With nowhere left to turn, they decide on one person that can help  (Show moment in which Basil and Austin say “Dr. Evil!”  Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Gee, I wonder what they’re going to reference in this case  (Cut to the clip of Dr. Evil in a transparent cell parodying both The Silence Of The Lambs and X-Men 2: X-Men United  cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says, “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Dr. Evil come face to face as we get a flashback to the two as they were roommates at an academy. While Dr. Evil worked his bald and ritualistically shaved schnuts off, Austin shagged his way to good grades  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And admittedly, this puts a surprising twist into their relationship  Dr. Evil was a hard-working student who had to bust his bald schnuts to get good grades. At the same time, Austin did nothing and got all the credit. A unique twist on the whole Superhero/Supervillain dichotomy that’s reminiscent of Superboy and Lex Luthor from the silver age of comics  (Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin wins the International Man of Mystery award, and to the surprise of no one in the audience, Austin’s dad didn’t show  A theme is emerging in their relationship. We soon cut back to the present as Dr. Evil tells Austin where his father is, Quid Pro Quo. While he’s not getting his sentence reduced, he is being transferred to the prison where Mini-Me  (Show Dr. Evil as he tells Austin the pertinent facts to find Goldmember  Cut to James physically as there is a knock on the door and Chief Development enters.)

Chief Development:
Your Debriefing and assessment papers  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
One moment, We’ll be back  (Cut to an hour later as James, Julia Alexa Miller, and Chad Narducci a half a second behind James and Julia Alexa Miller as the three come up the phone booth and the three walk through the hall as the doors close except for the last one and Chad knocking on the one before the last one  James sighs and says “Oy Gevalt” as James walks back to get Chad  James opens that door and Chad makes a run for it as James is tripped, gets up, and sees the door closing on him) You have got to be kidding me!

(The scene fades to black as James screams in pain, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, and Chad Narducci as the three meet with the rest of the team.)

Paulo Fonseca:
So how was your little trip?

TLOTA:
Pointless

Rebecca Yaun:
I heard you blew up a hotel and a trailer park.

Chad Narducci:
That was on me.

TLOTA:
Chad, you fill them in on the details, I am going to work on the review.

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin heads to 1975 and the infamous Studio 69 Discotheque  Yeah a subtle nod at a Dramatic role Mike Myers played in between the first two Austin Powers movies with that subtlety being on par with the Time Machine, Austin makes it to Studio 69 there he meets with Foxxy Cleopatra played by Beyonce Knowles and I have nothing bad to say about her because I want to live without Jay-Z or anyone associated with either of them and I don’t need that crackpot Kanye “Ye” West coming after me, I have enough people with mental health issues in my life thank you very much  Foxxy through a random cameo by Nathan Lane tells Austin where to find his dad who has his hands and other parts of the body on some ladies for the evening  Austin and Nigel are soon in the hands of Goldmember who again, in case we fell asleep the first time gives us his back story and we also see that Goldmember likes eating his flaking skin like potato chips and Nigel hates the Dutch  Goldmember grabs Nigel and Foxxy tries to put Goldmember out of commission but Goldmember grabs Nigel and heads for 2002 where Foxxy and Austin head after a brief shootout  We then find Dr. Evil and Mini-Me in a Georgia State Prison where Frau Farbissina comes incognito and tells Dr. Evil that Scott is becoming just like Dr. Evil  We then get even more backstory as we see Dr. Evil’s biological mom getting blown up and adopted by Belgians  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
HOW MUCH MORE FRIGGIN BACKSTORY TO EITHER AUSTIN AND OR DR. EVIL CAN THIS STORY TAKE  THIS IS ROCKY IV LEVELS OF TRYING TO FIT TOO MUCH INTO ONE MOVIE  And yes I will be doing a “Different Cuts” of Rocky IV this summer  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Dr. Evil plans an escape from the Georgia State Prison after a Hard Knock Life Esque rap  Meanwhile, Austin acclimates Foxxy to the 21st century which includes the Internet as only 2002 knows how to be as Austin meets and acknowledged The Mole  (Cut to the clips of Austin acknowledging The Mole’s mole  Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The mole lets Austin and Foxxy know that Dr. Evil’s new lair is somewhere in Tokyo and we soon see it in the depths of Tokyo Bay in a sub that looks like him  Dr. Evil shows his plans to everyone and Goldmember introduces Dr. Evil to Austin Powers’ (Goldmember as he says “Fahzha!”  Cut to James as he says What?. Cut to Goldmember saying “Fahzha!”  Cut to James as he says “Say again?”  Cut to Goldmember saying “Fahzha!”  James walks away and brings Julia Alexa Miller in as he plays the clip again)

TLOTA:
Do you understand what he just said?

 Julia Alexa Miller:
I think he said “Father”.

TLOTA:
I think so too  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nigel attacks the guards however Mini-Me takes him away  As for Goldmember’s plans to paint Nigel’s junk gold  Dr. Evil has this to say (Show clip of Dr. Evil saying “HOW ABOUT NO  YA CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nigel talks to Mini-Me about how disrespectful everyone has been to him and starts to like the little fella  As that happens Austin and Foxxy get word that Dr. Evil’s henchmen have been seen around a Sumo area and since it’s a Sumo Wrestling arena, there’s only one person that big to be there  (Cut to Fat Bastard in a Sumo banana hammock. Cut to James Physically.)

TLOTA:
Naturally, it has to be Fat Bastard  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin notices Fat Bastard as he is giving some money to a businessman of sorts and decides to interrogate Fat Bastard about the transaction by having Foxxy go incognito to pick up the laundry and Austin hiding in the cart  However, the stink of that many Sumo Banana Hammocks, plus the one from Fat Bastard sets Austin off, and as the two fight Fat Bastard comes at Austin at full power  (Cut to Fat Bastard as he comes to Austin at full power and Austin Screams  Cut to James screaming  Cut to Rowdy C as he screams  Cut to team TLOTA as they scream  Cut to Chad Narducci as he screams like a little girl  Cut to Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Gypsy, and Crow as they scream  Cut to Ace Ventura as he screams in the Shark tank  Cut to The Three Stooges as they scream  Cut to Awkward Ashleigh as she screams  Cut to Linkara as he screams  Cut to Phelous as he and Allison Pregler scream  Cut to Jaimetud and the Drive-In Mutants Scream  Cut back to the movie as the wire fighting team hoists Fat Bastard into the sky only for a few moments before being stuck as the wire team fails Fat Bastard  Cut to the movie as James continues a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Foxxy interrogate Fat Bastard as he decides to sell Dr. Evil and their new associate Mr. Roboto and we have another moment in which Fat Bastard has a moment of realization and he passes gas  Back on Dr. Evil’s sub. Scott shows how far along he has transformed and has the great white sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads which causes tensions as Mini-Me is cast out  He handles it well enough  (Show moment in which Mini-Me flips off Dr. Evil. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think that’s Mini-Me for “I will have my revenge for casting me out!” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Foxxy get told that Fat Bastard’s information on Mr. Roboto was accurate  Austin and Foxxy go to Roboto Industries and after some subtitle mishaps, Austin and Foxxy get nothing from him but stick around to infiltrate the building and after a pee joke finds Roboto and Goldmember getting the fusion reactor and the key for the tractor beam which happens to be of course Gold  Foxxy tries to stop Goldmember but forced between saving Nigel and stopping Goldmember the two rescue Nigel as our heroes go through a rather funny car chase trying to catch Goldmember which includes the three ramming into a facsimile of Godzilla and after Goldmember escapes, Austin and Nigel have it out, Sullivan County New York Style  (Cut to Austin and Nigel having a loud disagreement about what to do next and going their separate ways. Cut to James physically as he demorphs to James Faraci.)

James Faraci:
For a long time, I felt like Austin, It felt like it would take a miracle when I realized me and my dad did have a bond  So in a way, I did better than Austin did and that bond is something I cherished until those last days I had with my dad  He is physically gone but still, he’s with me and I love that  (James morphs back to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Now back to business  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning Mini-Me tells as best as he can that he wants to join Austin to take down Dr. Evil  However in a comedic mishap and Austin thinking “Fool me once shame on you, Fool Me twice shame on me” and remembering what happened in the last movie Austin and Mini-Me fight it out that is until the Mole lets Austin know that Mini-Me has defected from Dr. Evil and wish to help them stop the guy  Then of course comes a moment that Austin had been wanting to do since he first saw that mole and a moment, I’ve been waiting for  (Cut to James as an instrumental of “Gimme Some More” plays.)

TLOTA:
You people had enough  (Cut to Renee Miller)

Renee Miller:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You people want the wild schtick  (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca, Brenda, and Nick)

Paulo, Rebecca, Brenda, and Nick (In union):
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Hey Chief, Where my green at  (Cut to Chief Development) 

Chief Development:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You know my people need that  (Cut to the rest of Team TLOTA)

The rest of Team TLOTA:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Even though we getting money, you can (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
With the cars and the big crib  (Cut to Rowdy C)

Rowdy C:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Everybody spread love (Cut to The Ninja Cats)

The Ninja Cats:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
If you want it to let me hear you say (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller at James’ office door.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
GET BACK TO WORK  NOW  (The building shakes as James is scared out of his seat  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now dressed like Austin, Mini-Me lets Austin and Foxxy know that the tractor beam is complete and it was time to strike against Dr. Evil  As that happens, Dr. Evil makes contact with the World Organization, again to say he has the world up for ransom for an exorbitant amount of cash  Then we get another recycled joke this time revolving around (Cut to the joke about the satellite that look like a pair of breasts, up to the point of the fans of the Titans sans the A&N. Cut to John Ross Santos as he says “Knockers!” and James peeks out of his office.)

TLOTA:
What are you talking about  (Cut to John Ross Santos)

John Ross Santos:
I thought about it and I decided we need to put knockers on the door  What’s up  (Cut to James at his door)

TLOTA:
Just dealing with a bad joke about (Cut to Mike Santos as he looks out the window and Andrew Beach.)

Mike Santos:
Hooters 

Andrew Beach:
They open up a new one here?

Mike Santos:
Looks like it and it’s a big setup  Hey Andrew, look at those sets of (The screen stops as there is a pause sign as it cuts back to the movie as Ozzy Osbourne is calling the filmmakers boobs then cutting to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin, Mini-Me, and Foxxy get into the sub as Roboto comes in and requests a bonus, however, Scott who has gotten a whole lot worse, decides to take care of Roboto, himself  Austin and Mini-Me continue on their mission incognito in the same costume  After using the shadow joke again, Mini-Me gets out of dodge as he takes the map and bumps into Foxxy  After a brief moment of victory, Foxxy shows she has the key  And if we didn’t have enough plot twists, Nigel arrives and tells that Austin and Dr. Evil are in fact biological brothers, Scott has had enough and vows vengeance for a lifetime of abuse and Goldmember had a spare key which was his privates which is disturbing and wrong on so many levels  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
OKAY, DID SHYAMALAN HELP WRITE THIS MOVIE? (Cut to Shaymalan at James’ office door)

Shyamalan:
I wish, oh, by the way, there appears to be a somewhat angry woman here, should I say something  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, she knew you were coming and you’re about to feel it  (Shyamalan is grabbed  Cut to James as the building is shaking with the sounds of thuds as James just walking to the studio kitchen as he prepares a cup of Tea with Honey and Lemon and James grabs a pair of earplugs as a loud scream shakes the building and James finishes the tea prep as Julia Alexa Miller walks in.)

TLOTA:
Tea with Honey and Lemon?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thanks, oh be careful, Shaymalan’s remains are painted in the hallway.

TLOTA:
Thank you  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Goldmember activates the tractor beam and Dr. Evil comes up with the solution as he reverses the polarity at one of the conduits destroying the tractor beam and fricasseeing Goldmember  Foxxy arrests when WHAT? AGAIN? PLAY THE CLIP  I’VE GOT NOTHING  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, The movie ends at the premiere of the fake Austin Powers movie and with Scott once again vowing vengeance, bloopers from Ozzy Osbourne’s cameo, another cameo from the runaway trainwreck that is Britney Spears, and one last moment from Burt Bacharach  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Austin Powers in Goldmember, and I will admit, it was not the best of the three but not the worst one of the three  (Cut to clips of Austin Powers in Goldmember as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Admittedly, I would have to say that the movie is one-third recycled jokes and a lot of the plot was on repeat  A lot of the plot twists and the humor fell flat as a schmoke and a pancake  However, I did enjoy the development of the character dynamics, I liked how and what motivated Austin to be Austin, I enjoyed it a lot, and even though I didn’t like it, I think there was a sense of closure that was meant to occur and maybe the start of a new generation would pick up the franchise after some time has passed and found a way to make Austin more his own thing and not a parody of the 1960s spy genre and what is surprising to me is the longevity of the popularity of the Austin Powers movies has endured and how much people still want a fourth movie  Well, if it happens, I will check it out and see if it is worthy of the legacy of the first three  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For now, I am now moving forward with a renewed MOJO  I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion  (Cut to sometime later as James looks over his next review for April as Julia Alexa Miller joins James.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So did you and Chad have some common ground?

TLOTA:
I think things between Chad and I will eventually get better, right now I’m focused on two things  This movie and you

Julia Alexa Miller:
But what happened to Dr. Vile after he got released. 

TLOTA:
Um, I’m not sure but I think I know  (Cut to a highrise building as the jingle of “STUPIDIOT VILLAINY, WEST COAST BRANCH!” is heard as we cut to Professor Hiram Stupidiot as he reads a resume and Dr. Vile sitting in a chair )

Prof. Stupidiot:
Well, your resume of evil is impressive, but for a position you seem to be applying for, we do like our applicants to be able to provide some form of resources of their own, and I am a bit concerned about this whole “Government taking away my tech” section…

Dr. Vile:
Well, it is true that all my hardware was confiscated, but fortunately, the meddling and incompetent Chad Narducci chose not to do something as simple as a pat-down, so I was able to salvage… this…

(Hands Stupidiot a flash drive from under his shirt, which Stupidiot immediately plugs into computer)

Dr. Vile:
What you have on that drive is the best decryption technology known to humankind  It is impossible for my program to be cracked!

Prof. Stupidiot:
Yes… this could prove to be very useful…

Dr. Vile:
Yes, now if I could just have my flash drive back, perhaps we could begin to talk salary…

Prof. Stupidiot:
Hmm? What flash drive  Oh, and… sorry but the position has been filled  (Prof. Stupidiot pushes a button on his desk  Vile flies away as a rocket underneath his chair encapsulates Dr. Vile and launches  Dr. Vile screams that he will get Professor Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot:
Drecks, prepare the Computer Hacker Of Doom  Rowdy and those meddling cats are about to endure my wrath like they have never seen! (Professor Stupidiot laughs his usual Maniacal laugh)

The Powers That Be: Powers "That Shagged"

(Scene begins as James is sitting in his living room.)

James Faraci:
Before continuing The Last Of The Americans' three-month season premiere, I want to send my condolences to Eric Rodriguez, AKA E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster. On January 23, 2022, Marsha Kent Rodriguez died from complications of Covid-19. Eric and Marsha were married for 21 years and shared a cat named Scooter, and Eric, I don't know if Marsha was a comedy fan or snob like you were but I wanted to let you know that even though she is not with you physically, A part of her will be with you forever and as long as you keep her in your thought process, she will never be away from you and I know you have friends and family but if you ever need a friendly ear that had been what you been through, just let me know and I will be there for you as will everyone from my congressional site Manic-Expression.com as well. And if I made any sense, just know Eric, we're with you all the way.

(James fades to black as the scene changes to a gas station in a state in the midwest as a Dodge Charger comes in for a quick fill-up as James and Chad get out to stretch their legs.)

Chad Narducci:
Okay, so I got a set of adjoining rooms at the hotel your associates recommended, so that way I can keep my eyes on you.

TLOTA:
Ah, this is the best place in the country, the small towns, the local BBQs, the people, not an ounce of the problems the rest of the world has. 

Chad Narducci:
James cut me a break. Please give me a place with tall buildings, overpriced coffee, and national supermarket chains. That's the world I want to see.

TLOTA:
Dude, this is the heart of the country and in that dance hall is where we're going to get some real American mojo! (James and Chad run in, and James asks the band if they can do a Bluegrass version of "Soul Bossa Nova" in which the band composed of Paulo Fonseca, John and Mike Santos, Ed Champion, and Andrew Beach Hollar "YEE-HAW BABY!" and as the band performs everyone gets in step and even Chad gets to enjoy himself while doing some Boot Scootin Boogie as the music continues to its crescendo and Chad lets out a YEE-HAW as the words "The "Powers" That Be" are seen in the same font type as the "Austin Powers" intro and the music ends as James and Chad walk into the hotel with Chad a little tipsier than he lets on.)

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
You know something, you indeed are a good pal! I mean, here I am constantly shitting on you and being a complete asshole, and you are like Teflon!

TLOTA:
Yeah, and you're tanked to the gills

Chad Narducci (Drunk):
But I will say this right now, I (Silence for two seconds) am going to puke all over you.

TLOTA:
Oh no, you don't! OH NO, YOU DON'T! (James grabs Chad as James bends Chad over to puke, then James sets him up so Chad doesn't choke on his vomit and preps the medication to cure him of the eventual hangover. Then walks towards the adjoining room only to see a group of wild and crazy drunk College Girls has decided to use the room. James walks over to the little office nook to work)

TLOTA:
As I said before, the first Austin Powers movie was a moderate success at best at the box office. When it was released on the VHS and burgeoning DVD market, the movie became a cult classic, and with that success, it meant dollar signs that New Line Cinema was more than ready to collect with a sequel, which to many is the best in the franchise. 

(Cut to the opening credit of Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me, then clips of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And to which I would have to agree, this is the textbook definition of what a sequel should be. It can capture the original spirit of the first and be its own thing. But for the sake of argument, we will see whether or not it is truly worthy of such acclaim. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Let's not waste any time; this is (Vomitous noises are heard) Austin Powers In The Spy Who Shagged Me.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens with (Show Star Wars-Esque expositional crawl. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Yeah, this was around the time The Phantom Menace came out to parody that was unoriginal, sad to say. I mean, it's not like there's other references (Cut to clips of Dr. Evil as he talks about "Death Star" and Scott says "Darth." Cut to James as he grimaces. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Dr. Evil decides to escape from his Big Boy Rocket to torment Austin and Vanessa once again. Speaking of the happy couple Austin and Vanessa are just getting done with another round of "Whoopie" as Austin discovers something isn't kosher about Vanessa. (Show Vanessa as she starts to glitch, then is later revealed to be a Fembot! After Vanessa reveals her machine gun boobs, we cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think the bigger question is, HOW IN THE HELL DID THE MINISTRY OF DEFENSE NOT KNOW ABOUT VANESSA? OR IF THEY DID, WHY DIDN'T THEY REPROGRAM HER TO TAKE OUT DR. EVIL?! IT WOULD'VE SAVED THEM THAWING AUSTIN OUT BUT STILL PROBLEM SOLVED!

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Vanessa explodes, leaving only the fresh scent of pine and a slightly charred Austin Powers. After breaking the fourth wall and mourning her momentarily, Austin realizes he's single and can swing again! I wish he had something on to hide the junk except the well-placed props. Hell, even a banana hammock would suffice as the credits roll. We then cut to a NATO Facility in Guam where dated reference number fifty is shown Scott Evil appearing on an episode of Jerry Springer. To his surprise, Dr. Evil returns to a national audience. It goes about as expected for a Jerry Springer Episode! We soon find Austin back in England, where Basil tells Austin they knew Vanessa was a Fembot. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Okay, so do we discover what happened to the real Vanessa? Will Austin now have to look for her while stopping Dr. Evil's latest nefarious plot? Nope, Vanessa is just tossed out the window after this.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Anyway, Austin has a photoshoot with someone who works for Dr. Evil. Sadly, it is not Rebecca Romijn; it's actually Ivana Humpalot, played by Kristen Johnston; now I know why she was a recovering alcoholic on "Mom." So as you try to laugh at that, we soon find Dr. Evil at his new base, where we've introduced to possibly the most prominent character known for the series. Mini-Me played by the late Verne Troyer. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And for those wondering, yes, Mini-Me, who was one-eighth the size of Mike Myers, was the most popular character in the franchise. When the third movie was in production Mike Myers had to meet with a private investigator who handed Mike a letter from George Harrison, and this was after George Harrison had passed away, and in this letter George said how much Austin Powers had made him laugh and wanted a Mini-Me doll! THAT IS HOW INCREDIBLE MINI-ME BECAME! And what I am telling you is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So as Dr. Evil connects with Mini-Me, he concocts not just another plan to take over the world but to take Austin Power's MOJO! Using a time machine, Dr. Evil plans to go back and take the MOJO from Austin back in the 1960s courtesy of his Scottish associate Fat Bastard, played by Mike Myers. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that we're keeping score, Mike is the Hero, Villain, and Henchman in his movie. What's next? Does he play a hero, villain, henchman, and love interest in the next movie? Well, at least we know the role of Fat Bastard is the role that got him the part of Shrek, at least I think so. (Chad wakes up in shock)

Chad Narducci:
Jesus, James, what the hell happened? I took a shot of the local moonshine, and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in a bed with you next to me. (An awkward silence between the two is felt for five seconds.) Yeah that totally

TLOTA:
Yeah, it did. Don't bother going to your room. It's filled with rowdy college women.

Chad Narducci:
What? I didn't invite any; something isn't right. (Chad opens the adjoining door to show a room full of Shedroids. Chad quickly closes the door in fear.) James, I think we should check out and drive on right now!

TLOTA:
Should I fight you or (James opens the door, stands in shock, then closes it.) Grab everything that isn't nailed down and RUN! (James and Chad get everything, running for their lives as the music from a final event in an Austin Powers movie are heard in the foreground.)

TLOTA (Speeding past the concierge):
Checking out early, Send the bill to Killroy!

Chad Narducci (Speeding past the concierge):
It was all James' fault! (The two get into the car with only a 55 % Charge and bolt out of the parking lot just as the hotel is reduced to rubble due to the implosion. Chad looks back to see the damage)

Chad Narducci:
Just for the record, if the Chief hears about this, let me say that I wouldn't want to be you.

(James gives a glance of evil as the scene fades to black, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings "The Last Of The Americans." Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin loses his MOJO at the most inconvenient time as Austin and Basil set up Austin with his time machine to send Austin back to 1969 to recharge the MOJO leading to Austin to ask the questions someone would ask until he was cross-eyed. But thankfully, Basil must be a British fan of MST3K as he says it's just an adventure, and Austin should relax and enjoy the trip. Austin makes it to his pad just in 1969, where his old dental problem also finds him there. Austin quickly reacclimates to the time as a spy for Dr. Evil tries to kill him. Still, thankfully we're introduced to Austin's new love interest Felicity Shagwell as she turns out to be an agent for the CIA played by Heather Graham and for those who found her performance in "Lost In Space" intolerable, Let me say she's better here than in that one episode show she had on ABC! Oy Vey! Mustafa returns to try and kill the two only to be quickly thwarted by being asked the same question three times in a row! (Cut to James and Chad in the car.)

Chad Narducci:
That's not annoying!

TLOTA:
Oh really?

Chad Narducci:
No

TLOTA:
Oh Really?

Chad Narducci:
No!

TLOTA:
OH REALLY?

Chad Narducci:
YES! YES, IT IS ANNOYING, ESPECIALLY FROM A DICKHEAD IN A CAR WHOSE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS COULD SOLVE A TON OF PROBLEMS!

TLOTA:
And Cause a global killing device should the technological advancements fall into the wrong hands. You didn't think about that, did you? Guess not

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Back at Dr. Evil's Volcanic Lair, Fat Bastard comes in with Austin's MOJO in his possession and well(Dr. Evil takes a sip of Austin's MOJO and finds Frau Farbissina attractive, leading the two to go wild with each other during the Volcano's eruption. Cut to James and Chad with Chad looking like he's seen the most disgusting sex scene in his entire life.) 

TLOTA:
Chad? CHAD?! Great, he's waiting for the rest of the scenario to play out. That's not even the most disturbing part about this scenario; the rest will happen later on down the line in this movie.

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Felicity soon find themselves going over the crime scene briefly as we then find ourselves in yet another montage about Swinging London, probably to help recharge the Mojo and for Austin to tell Felicity about the future he's seen and to have a moment where both Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach play a jingle while the couple gets close. The next morning after a sex scene that would make Tommy Wiseau toss his cookies, we get a good joke set-up and the immediate payoff involving Dr. Evil, Frau Farbissina, and of Course Scott! (Show clip of Frau Farbissina saying she's pregnant in her own way, and Scott arrives. Cut to James and Chad in the car as Chad, still somewhat in shock, puts it all together.)

Chad Narducci:
It works out timeline-wise, and it also means that at least there's nothing as wrong.

TLOTA:
There's something that will make both of us blow our chow later. (A ringtone is heard) One moment. (James punches in a code, and an image of Chief Development appears.)

Chief Development:
Hello, Agent 428, Chad. I just received the bill from what happened a few states ago. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
This one is going to be on Chad. He had a little of the local moonshine, and next thing I know, we're running for our lives and having to tell the Front Door Agent the code to get everyone out before the building went kaboom! 

Chad Narducci:
Now, wait for a second, the guy at the front door was an agent? (Cut to Chief Development.)

Chief Development:
Of Course, how else can we keep our eyes on our agents if we don't have secondary agents to inform us? But that's not important; We just received this message from Dr. Vile. It would be best if you watched it. (The screen cuts to Dr. Vile, looking like Blofeld from the recent Bond films, as played by Ed Champion)

Dr. Vile:
Greetings II-DOD! I'm sure Agent 428 may have survived his death. (The Screen cuts to Chief Development.) if so, I will be waiting in Hollywood, if that Dodge Charger can last another day or so.

Chief Development:
I hope you realize the gravity of what's going on. (Cut to James and Chad.)

TLOTA:
I know the gravity of it. unfortunately, we will have to find a place where we can charge the Charger and not be around others. (Cut to Chief Development)

Chief Development:
There is a place nearby; however, I think your friend might mind a night in a park. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
I'll be fine. (Chad shuts off the screen) II-DOD?

TLOTA:
International Independent Departments of Defense. (Chad says Oh! As the two continue to drive. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin discovers the way Fat Bastard took the MOJO. Worried he might not be as good as he once was with it, Austin goes out for a drive to clear his head. Meanwhile, Basil contacts Felicity to track Fat Bastard and insert a homing device.

Chad Narducci (V.O.):
But how will she do it to find Fat Bastard, and Where will she, OH NO! OH GOD, PLEASE NO! (Show clip of Fat Bastard and Felicity in the same bed. Cut to James and Chad as they've set up for the night and have to think of what Felicity and Fat Bastard did and proceed to vomit for a whopping five minutes straight. Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So after that bit of God Save Humanity! Dr. Evil tells us his plan to turn the moon into a weapon that doubles as a Star Wars reference, and Scott shut him down. Meanwhile, Felicity tells Austin that she found Fat Bastard, leaving out details that made me and Chad toss our cookies; thank god, as they take a sample of Fat Bastard's poop, find Dr. Evil's Volcano Lair and Austin, well, yeah, I'm just going to censor what happens for the sake of good taste. (Show heavily edited clip of Austin drinking Fat Bastard's poop! Cut to the rest of the movie.) So after that, Dr. Evil contacts the President to tell him either pay my ransom or kiss Washington D.C. off the map, all while Mini-Me is having a little ride on the Lazer and Scott telling him why his references aren't making any sense to anyone but him. Austin and Felicity make their way to the island and camp out for the night as they set up a shadow routine they'll recycle in the next movie to save a gag. Speaking of gag, hang onto your gag reflex; our heroes are captured as Fat Bastard tells Austin about him in Felicity in full detail. Just as that happens, our heroes are taken into a cell over a slow death where again Scott points out the obvious and like before Austin and Felicity escaped. Dr Evil and Mini-Me head for the moon as does Austin and Felicity. However as Austin and Felicity hitch a ride of Apollo 11, Dr. Evil's Spaceship is shaped like a (Cut to the "Shape" of Dr. Evil's ship joke. Cut to James as he is about to say something as Chad says "WEINER!")

TLOTA:
I get that you don't like me, but calling me a Weiner? That seems even more childish than usual, even by your standards.

Chad Narducci:
No, I'm trying this Weiner Weinerschnitzel; you need to try a bite. Oh, and you need to see this Rocketship; it is shaped like someone's

(Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as the General says "Johnson." Cut to the rest of the movie as  James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So now we got that out of the way; Austin and Felicity split up as Austin fights Mini-Me in a one-sided fight in Mini-Me's favor until Austin flushes him into the depths of Space! Just as Dr. Evil prepares the Lazer, he also takes Felicity hostage. Austin stops the Lazer but at the cost of Felicity, vowing vengeance, Austin plans to put Dr. Evil down like the animal he is; however, Dr. Evil, in a unique twist, helps Austin out by suggesting he use the time portal and rescue Felicity and stop the Lazer which works out for Austin to save the day. As for the MOJO! (Cut to the clip of the Mojo being destroyed.) So yeah, even after stopping the Lazer and rescuing Felicity, the Mojo is gone, and so is the base. Felicity wants to go back to 1967; however, Austin convinces her there's more that happens in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s for the most part. Austin and Felicity come to the present day, but Fat Bastard comes for the ride as well, and Felicity quickly stops him faster than I can say, Judo-YEOWCH! As Austin celebrates with Felicity, Dr. Evil gets away to fight Austin Powers another day in his Spaceship shaped as (Cut to the ending spaceship joke about Dr. Evil's ship looking like a Penis and Dr. Evil saying, "I'm going to get you, Austin Powers! I'm going to get you" as Dr Evil and Mini-Me chuckle manically, then we see mid-credit scenes of Scott discovering who his mom is and Austin knowing his MOJO is recharged. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And that was the second Austin Powers movie, and it is better than the first by quite a bit. (Cut to Austin Powers in The Spy Who Shagged Me as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
It was the most commercially and critically successful of all three, and you can tell that Mike Myers and everything Austin Powers was just at their peak. A lot of it comes from smashing expectations of what to expect in a comedy like this and how to develop the characters without changing everything about them. The story had excellent progression, and the humor was as good as the first one, even though some of the jokes fell flat. The action is more coherent. Everything that didn't work in the first movie worked here. If you haven't seen it, I strongly suggest checking this one out. It may just be the best movie in the entire trilogy. (Cut to James and Chad as they finished packing up in the Charger.)

TLOTA:
And next time, we'll see what comedic gold will be mined from one more trip into the world of Austin Powers. For now, Chad and I are heading out to find Dr. Vile and rescue the woman I love. Until then, I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and you know the rest. Alrighty then, Chad, let's get going. You know it's a shame that (James continues to pontificate as Chad looks and sees the forest, the lake, the clear blue skies, and smiles, finally seeing how James looks at the American countryside as peaceful and serene.) Chad! CHAD! CHAD! (Chad snaps back and looks at James) Were you even listening to a syllable of what I said? 

Chad Narducci:
Nope, just looking at the forest for the trees. (Cut to James as he looks at the ground and then looks up and chuckles as he closes the door. The car drives out of the park.)

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Oh, before I forget, I set the lock timer just as I finished cleaning up the camper.

TLOTA (Audio only):
Lock timer?

Chad Narducci (Audio only):
Don't campers in parks like this have lock timers so that the help can come in for the next renter of a camper?

TLOTA (Audio only):
Campers don't have lock timers! CAMPERS DON'T HAVE LOCK TIMERS! (A loud explosion is heard and shown as the scene cuts to black as James shouts out "CHAD!")

The Powers That Be: "International" Powers

 (The Scene begins as James stands at his desk, looking pensive; as he looks over his desk, there is a knock on the door.)

TLOTA:
It’s open! (Julia Alexa Miller walks in)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So, are you okay with starting another year?

TLOTA:
I feel as if I’ve gotten stale, that I have become so inflexible that I’ve outlived myself. I think I’ve become a joke! (Audio of Chad shouting, “You’ll get no disagreement from me!”)

TLOTA & Julia Alexa Miller (In Unison):
SHUT UP, CHAD!

TLOTA:
I need something to get me in the right mind frame, but I don’t. Wait, I GOT IT! ORAC! Play the music! (The 1994 American Gladiators theme starts to play as James gets irritated.) NOT THAT ONE! THE ONE WITH THE MOJO! ( “Soul Bossa Nova” plays in the foreground as James’ feet start to get into the groove, and he asks Julia Alexa Miller to join him, and Julia Alexa Miller begins to join James in dancing  as the music starts to get into the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as James and Julia continue to dance and are soon joined by members of Team TLOTA as they dance throughout the studio as the music continues to its crescendo James and Julia Alexa Miller kiss as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as James gets into his office.)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours! Ladies and Gentlemen, for the next three months, we’re going to need all the Mojo we can muster; as you can tell by the intro, We’re going to be dealing with a trilogy paying homage to the classic spy genre, thanks to SNL alum Mike Myers! (Cut to clips of the “Austin Powers” trilogy and other Mike Myers movies as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
And please keep in mind this trilogy was made when he was at the height of his post-SNL popularity as movies that starred Mike was okay at best. Yes, Wayne’s World was funny, and its sequel was okay at best. However, after a drought of good movies and a few personal setbacks, it appeared Mike was done. That is until one night, as he was coming home one day from Hockey practice, one night when the Dusty Springfield song “The Look Of Love” from the Peter Sellers OO7 take of Casino Royale played as Mike came up with the character. That song helped inspire the movies I will be looking at starting today. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So let’s get started with Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The movie opens up in 1967 outside of Las Vegas as a supervillain summons his assassins who failed to kill someone named Austin Powers. Not liking their failures, he roasts them! Literally! Sparing only a killer and scientist named Mustafa, played by Will Ferrell, and Frau Farbissina, played by Mindy Sterling, to help him kill Austin Powers. We meet Austin, performed by Mike Myers as he performs a musical opening as he does his Mojo that he knows so well. We also meet his partner in the time of the first movie Mrs. Kensington played by Mimi Rodgers as Basil Exposition, played by Michael York well exposits that Dr. Evil is setting a trap for Austin and Austin’s move is to, as Obi-Wan Kenobi said best in “Revenge Of The Sith.”

 (Cut to the clip of Obi-Wan as he says “Spring The Trap.” Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin soon finds the hitman sent by Doctor Evil and confronts Dr. Evil as he prepares to freeze himself to when Austin’s style of living is considered obsolete. We soon cut to the year 1997 as Dr. Evil’s ship, which looks like the Big Boy as it touches back down in the same desert in Las Vegas. This incident gets on the radar of NORAD, which leads a general to go to London and find Austin. Well, he had decided if his enemy was going to freeze himself, Austin would follow suit. What happens next is something you need to see. (Show Austin’s defrosting process as he wakes up and as it comes to him the toilet as he urinates. We cut to James as he makes a sandwich and a drink for himself as James comes back to his office; James looks at the fact that Austin is still urinating. Cut to James in his office.)

TLOTA:
Okay, Austin’s bladder must have the same power as Crow’s guitar solo in the MST3K episode “The Dead Talk Back!” (Cut to Crow as he plays his Solo on the electric guitar as everyone around him does everything else. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin now teams up with Mrs. Kensington’s daughter to help him defeat Dr. Evil. We meet Vanessa, played by Elizabeth Hurley, who has made some deal to look as good as she does now! (Cut to James physically as Chad shoves him aside)

Chad Narducci:
NO WAY, FARACI! There is NO WAY that Elizabeth Hurley looks as good as (Show a recent picture of Elizabeth Hurley. Cut back to Chad.) I will shut up and let you get back to work. (Chad walks out, James dusts himself off, and gets back in his seat.)

TLOTA:
Thanks for adding nothing, Chad! (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets his effects from storage as we soon cut to Nevada as Dr. Evil is revived, as has his cat, but not without complications. (Show Mr. Bigglesworth having no hair on him, and Mustafa is tossed into a pit of fire! Cut to see Dr. Evil’s as he deals with Mustafa then to James in his office)

TLOTA:
Admittedly, when I saw this for the first time, I had no idea how to react. So now, knowing that Mike Myers played both Dr.Evil and Austin Powers was a good idea, but if you saw it the first time, it’d be a bit of a surprise. (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
But not as surprising for Dr. Evil to discover he has a son named Scott, played by Seth Green. Amid this, Dr. Evil still has his plan to, that’s right, take over the world (Show clip of Mind Of Mencia as Punji says “Oh, Of Course!” before cutting back to the movie as James continues his voiceover) with the help of Frau Farbissina, Random Task, Patty O’Brien and Number 2, played by the incomparable, the dashing, the legendary Robert Wagner. So now that Dr. Evil’s team is together, what is his plan? (Cut to Dr. Evil’s plan of destroying the O-Zone, which Number 2 says that it had already been done and solved. Then he changes his plan to try and divorce Prince Charles and Princess Diana, and again, Number 2 says it too has been done already! Finally, everyone decided to hijack a nuclear weapon and drill to the Earth’s core setting off all the Volcanoes and holding the world hostage for 100 Billion Dollars. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I need to take a break to calculate the damage of every single Volcano going off, be right back. (Cut to James on a calculator as he bumps into Julia Alexa Miller.)

TLOTA:
Oh, hey there, Alex, sorry about that. I got a little distracted.

Julia Alexa Miller:
Oh, that’s 9.23439485142819825159066703 to the tenth power!

TLOTA:
Say again?

Julia Alexa Miller:
I said, you’re alright, James!

TLOTA (Confused):
Yeah, thanks; I’m going somewhere else right now. (James runs to Chad in the lobby as he’s watching a movie.)

TLOTA:
Have you noticed something different with Alex?

Chad Narducci:
Since being with you, what isn’t different.

TLOTA:
Chad! Focus on what I am trying to; what are you watching?

Chad Narducci:
Kingsman: The Secret Service

TLOTA:
Wow, I remember that Church Scene; that was awesome! (James and Chad watch until James feels a gun on the back of his head as he turns to see Julia Alexa Miller with her fingers pointed like a gun.)

TLOTA:
Uh, Alex. What is going on with you?

Julia Alexa Miller:
James, I don’t know (Chad hits the pause button, which pauses Julia Alexa Miller. Cut to James and Chad as they look at each other. Chad hits the play button as Julia Alexa Miller talks further. James takes the remote as he hits the Spanish Language Button and the Closed Captions as the words “You two need to relax! Oh my, it appears I have been revealed. I’m not the real Alex, and now I have to kill the two of you. ”are shown under her. James and Chad try to fight her off as Julia Alexa Miller’s face is ripped off, and she is shown to be a robot!)

Chad Narducci:
What is the name of all that is sane and decent going on?!

TLOTA:
Just as I thought! It’s a Shedroid!

Chad Narducci:
A WHAT?!

(A Voice coming out of the Shedroid):
Oh, your associate doesn’t know about your past; I, Dr. Vile, have the real Julia Alexa Miller, and now you won’t have time to rescue her! (Cut to the Shedroid’s eyes as a timer countdowns. Cut to James and Chad)

TLOTA:
HIT THE DIRT! (James and Chad fall to the ground as the Shedroid explodes. James and Chad stand up covered in explosive residue, and Chad’s hair has lit up in one lock, and James says in a Sotto voice, “Dude, You’ve got,” and James wets a couple of his fingers and puts the fire out.)

Chad Narducci:
So, Now what? You move on; I go back to California with her stuff and my stuff, and you(a silence lasts for two seconds) aren’t going to let this go!

TLOTA:
DAMN STRAIGHT! ORAC! (Cut to a wall panel with a keypad as James enters a code.) Contact the organization! Have them reactivate my clearances and see if we can get Chad clearances.

Chad Narducci:
I’m sorry, but what in the hell is going on here?

TLOTA:
You’re about to find out.

(The Scene cuts to James taking Chad to a corridor as the Trevor Rabin “Get Smart” theme plays in the foreground as James and Chad go through the hallway of doors up to the 0:55-0:56 mark as Chad stops to tie his shoe as the door closes in front of him and James opens the door again)

TLOTA:
Seriously? Come on (James and Chad continue as the next door closes in front of them at the 1:00 mark. James sighs as he says in a sotto voice, “For the love of Peat Moss!” James punches in a code to get through the door to the end of the hallway of doors. As the two walk into a phone booth, the scene fades to black as they both fall through a trap door Chad screaming like a girl, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James and Chad as they land in the lobby of a building.)

Chad Narducci:
Well, at least I landed on something soft!

TLOTA:
GET OFF ME! (Chad shutters at the fact he sat on James as he cleans himself up and rings the bell as the lobby receptionist played by Olivia Horvath looks up as she tries to give the spiel about agents.)

The Lobby Receptionist:
Agent 428! I’ll see if Chief Development will talk with you, but you can continue your review in the guest office for now.

TLOTA:
Thank you, Miss B. Lief (Chad and James come face to face). What? Alex Knew about this

Chad Narducci:
Agent 428?

TLOTA:
Miss B. Lief, please inform my associate of what’s happening around here!

 (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin and Vanessa travel to Nevada to confront Dr. Evil, it’s clear that Austin’s old mentalities aren’t winning over Vanessa as her mind is more set on the mission, and the teeth aren’t helping his cause either. Austin’s teeth is a running gag in this movie and the sequel, which I will talk about next month. But I digress, Scott and Dr. Evil are having parent and son issues, and Dr. Evil isn’t helping to try to be the cool dad. Meanwhile, Austin and Vaness soon get to Las Vegas and meet with Number 2 at a casino at a blackjack table run by Yev Kasim, AKA The Soup Nazi from Seinfeld! In fact, I half expected this to happen. (Cut to the table as The Soup Nazi, played by Eric Kurtzke, is the card dealer, and James asks for a hit, and The Soup Nazi shouts, “You want a hit? NO GAME FOR YOU! NEXT PLAYER!” Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Austin joins Number 2 in the bathroom, Number 2 disappears through Austin uses the toilet next to a random Tom Arnold Cameo; however, that’s nothing as O’Brien strikes, leading to Austin taking a dump while interrogating the guy, drowning him in the process. As that goes on, Dr. Evil contacts the U.N. and tells them his plan and the ransom, and then we get something so random it blew my mind what happens when the joke about Evil laughter goes on too long. Meanwhile, Vanessa and Mrs. Kensington have a conversation about Austin as Properly placed hand gestures, and props hide Austin’s junk. Vanessa and Austin stake out Virtucon as Austin truly starts to fall for Vanessa. Even getting legendary Burt Bacharach to perform as Austin and Vanessa has a fun Las Vegas montage, which leads Vanessa to succumb to Austin’s charms. We also see Austin having regrets for his relationship with Vanessa’s mom and how it didn’t work out. A communications device goes off while Vanessa sleeps off all the sauce she drank. Austin has to meet with Number 2’s lady friend, and I wish I would kid about the name Alotta Fagina! (Cut to James physically as the secretary knocks on the door to let James know that he and Chad can meet with Chief Development. Chad and James walk through the building as agents played by members of Team TLOTA as they gasp and say, “Agent 428!” James meets up with Chief Development, played by Doug Yaun.)

TLOTA:
Hello Chief, it has been a while.

Chief Development:
Indeed, it has, and who is your associate?

Chad Narducci:
Chad Narducci, producer, developer of entertainment, cameraman, director, and all around the finest in making Internet Entertainment, and I am ready to serve my country by kicking James’ ass.

Chief Development:
Oh yes, I remember that Internet Daytime Talk Show. What in the world were you thinking?

TLOTA:
I was against it all the way, but for the sake of the woman I love, I had to go along with it.

Chief Development:
Speaking of her, we heard that Dr. Vile might have her held in his California stronghold behind the “Hollywood” sign. According to our analysts, Julia Alexa Miller’s kidnapping happened sometime between the opening dance sequence in your review and the time you had in the first third of the movie’s review to take her.

TLOTA:
I take that the tech boys will have my usual equipment ready.

Chief Development:
It will take a while, maybe after your review is over. So head on back to the waiting room and continue with the review.

TLOTA:
Thanks, Chief, come, Chad! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin gets into Fagina’s penthouse, collects photographic evidence of Project Vulcan, tries to seduce his way out of the penthouse, and successfully does so! (Cut to Vanessa as she blows up about Austin’s indiscretions, Austin realizing he isn’t the hottest man on the planet anymore, and the two reconcile. Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As that happens, Frau Farbissina reveals the Fembots to defeat Austin. However, that takes a back seat as Dr. Evil and Scott decide to undergo therapy as Carrie Fisher plays the councilor, make any jokes about Carrie Fisher, and you’ll be wishing you will be one with the force! Here, Dr. Evil talks about his childhood, which is messed up in many different ways!. (Show Dr. Evil as he talks about having grown up in Belgium and how he had his privates shaved and the audio of James shuddering.) So as you get that thought out of your head of someone ritualistically getting their schnutz shaved. Austin and Vanessa decide to go further into the building as they’ve been discovered; Austin commanders a steamroller, and a guard gets squashed….eventually! They are captured and meet with Dr. Evil and Scott, who doesn’t understand etiquette between Villains and Heroes in Spy movies, who decides to hold the duo over a pit of Sharks with Fricking Laser Beams attached to the top of their heads. (Show the clip of Number 2 telling Dr. Evil that they couldn’t get sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads; instead, they got mutated cannibalistic Sea Bass! Cut to the “Headslapping” clip from “The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult.” Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.) Austin and Vanessa escape, with Austin staying behind to hold down the fort. Vanessa dons a catsuit and takes a troop of Soldiers left behind by Basil. Austin, meanwhile, is surrounded by Fembots; however, 1960s Spy Mojo is too much for The Fembots as they go Boom just as Vanessa arrives with Austin’s suit. Leading to a good shoot-out in all things considered. (Show clip of Austin and the British Troops as they fight off Dr. Evil’s henchmen and Austin building up dramatic tension when he could’ve pressed the button. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Well, you could’ve done without holding off until the very last second, just saying there, Cochise! (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
With Project Vulcan now officially stopped, Austin and Dr. Evil come face to face one last time. However, both show their Trump Cards as Fagina has Vanessa as a hostage and Scott its short-lived hostage as he shoves away at Austin and Vanessa Judo chops Fagina! Dr. Evil escapes into the depths of space in the Big Boy Rocket and sets off a self-destruct sequence. (Show the Spaceballs clips involving the Self Destruction of “Spaceball 1” intercut with the Dr. Evil Nevada base going kaboom! Cut to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We cut to Three Months Later as Austin has settled down with Vanessa and fixed his teeth. Basil has news that Vanessa is now a full agent; Austin is to be knighted by the Queen, which won’t happen until later in the series, and Dr. Evil has escaped but will be back. Meanwhile, the Oddjob espy find the love birds and is quickly defeated. After that, Austin and Vanessa decide to do some stargazing when they notice a particular Rocket knowing they haven’t seen the last of Dr.Evil. (Cut to the clip of a half-frozen Dr. Evil saying, “I’m going to get you Austin Powers!” Cut to the ending with the mid-credit scenes and the Ming Tea Music Video. Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
And that was Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery, and a lot of it holds up. (Cut to Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Even if many of the dated references are even more dated now, it doesn’t work against the movie itself. The comedy still gets a laugh out of me, and the writing bolsters a lot of the movie’s strengths; Mike Myers shows he can be funny in this and show some moments of character. Elizabeth Hurley proved she could parody a lot of what made her well known outside of a relationship she had with a certain someone at the time, and she could act. This movie is worth watching, and I recommend it for the spy spoof lover and a lover of classic James Bond movies. It’s very groovy, indeed! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Now with all that I have said, believe it or not, this movie was a moderate success in the box office, and when it hit the home market, it became a more successful movie. (James walks out of the waiting room and to the briefing room with Chad as Chief Development pulls up a computer file.) But we’ll get to that next time; I am about to take care of something right now.

Chief Development:
Just in time, let’s begin the briefing. Dr. Vincent Vile: Adopted after his biological parents were murdered. After reaching puberty, he was shunned because he was different. Being born with two sets of male testicles and a penis that dwarfs Tommy Lee’s in both length and width can do that. (Cut to James and Chad)

Chad Narducci:
A guy like that should get the ladies left and right in the adult movie industry! Why did he get into science?

TLOTA:
He was about to tell us, Chad.

Chief Development:
Vincent Vile was shunned in the adult movie industry for that exact reason. He was paid to never appear in an adult movie. He then channeled the money into building a legitimate education and a legitimate business to fund his desires to take over the planet. Agent 428 stopped him multiple times over his career; however you left because this was interfering with private life.

TLOTA:
The adventure wasn’t fun without someone to come home to, and she left me for a man named Dillon, and not long after married and had two kids. She now has a YouTube channel.

Chief Development:
AGENT 428! PLEASE! Since 2008, we believed he had retired; however, two years ago, we discovered he had taken control of the elections just as the President was decided. The 2016 one was not in his power. We have pinpointed his base in the Hollywood sign and everything you require to take him on. (Cut to everyone as they walk to the Weapons and Technical department)

Chief Development:
Your 1969 Dodge Charger, Fully stocked and loaded with the usual accouterments.

Chad Narducci:
HEMI engine?

Chief Development:
This car runs on a hybrid of ordinary gas for minor propulsion and Ionic technology! The downside is that the power cell lasts a few states. Fortunately, The cell takes one night to recharge.

TLOTA:
When do we get started?

Chad Narducci:
What we? (James points at Chad and himself) Uh no, there’s no way I’m (Chad places his hand on the roof as hidden machine guns under the front bumper and multiple rounds are fired, breaking through the glass forcing everyone to run away and duck! James taps on the Keyfob, shutting off the Machine Guns) On second thought, maybe I’m safer with you than I am here with everyone I pissed off!

TLOTA:
Damn Straight! Now get in, Chad! (James and Chad get into the 1969 Dodge Charger. James presses the correct codes to open a tunnel that leads to the Highway to Hollywood.) We’ll keep in touch where we will stop off, and if we’re compromised, you’ll be the first to know.

Chief Development:
Good luck, Agent 428!

(James and Chad hit the road as fire trails are shown. Fade to Black.)