Showing posts with label Austin Powers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Austin Powers. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

The Top 10 moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2022

  (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. 2022, felt like the unofficial sequel year to 2020! (Cut to moments from The Last Of The Americans in 2022 as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.):
Between dwindling numbers in audience views and Chad coming up with bad ideas that have slowed my evolution to the next step to a point where my professional reputation took a massive hit to the point where my fuse is shorter than a Tiktok video. And now, we talk about the project that has been a fight to get off the ground which IS my next evolutionary step on the path to more success in my profession. On the plus side, I finally got that rat bastard Doug Walker out of my life in terms of competition, met a fan, and had all sorts of good times, and Ten of them are coming your way! (Cut to James physically. That's right, five from you and five of my own! (Cut to James as he turns into James Faraci)

James Faraci:
So it's time for the Top Ten Moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2022.

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 10
(Cut to clips of "Reality Checkout: "The Real World" destruction of MTV" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Originally, I had planned this to be a Reality Checkout on the "16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom" series, but I scrapped it due to one personal event and one realization.  The personal event was that I welcomed a new family member, baby Kinsleigh, and realized the series was a symptom of a network ravaged by Reality TV disease.  And to be honest, I was there when MTV was Music Television, NOT Mediocre Television. While yes, I will admit I enjoyed the first few seasons, I found the series no longer interesting. However, the network meant to showcase Up and Coming Musicians and see legends get a younger fan base saw its Modis Operandi tossed out the window, and TV has gotten worse because of it. I also thought it would be a great lead-in for what was at the number two spot.

(Show clip of James shouting "CHAD!" as the echo roars over Sullivan County, All of New York, the United States, the Earth, and then the rest of the world as it fades to black then cuts to the 0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 9
(Cut to "The Punisher" and The Punishment of James Faraci The Last Of The Americans" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Sitting through this was actually fun. Watching The Russian and Frank fight reminded me why their brawl almost made my Top Ten funniest fights list back in 2015. However, when I posted a link in August on Manic Expression, I got a comment correcting certain things, like why Frank Castle's new logo looks the way it does. The commenter said quote, "As for the Punisher’s skull, it’s been co-opted by a number of people who miss the whole point of the Punisher’s character, such as cops (the Punisher exists because of a FAILURE of the system, and he is an outlaw), and … well, some really nasty extremist groups I’d rather not mention here. Changing the Punisher’s symbol in the comics is how Marvel deals with the problem in the short term, at least." endquote. He also commented on my framing story, which is the continuous headache Chad Narducci gives The Last Of The Americans. And Yes, The references to a certain internet game show were to show how much the wrong people and the wrong ideas helped destroy that site and certain people's credibility. Aware of that, I have been referencing how credibility and reputation can be destroyed, and if others keep pushing bad, that will destroy you professionally and personally.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to "The Different Cuts of ROCKY IV" clips as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Watching both versions of this movie and seeing how different these two movies are. I mean, the classic Rocky IV is so well-known when I put on the Drago cut; I was surprised at how Stallone remade what many fans consider a classic in his filmography. Though I was surprised by how different the Drago cut was from the theatrical cut. Many known elements were either removed, downplayed, or given more time. The Robot in Rocky IV was removed, Uncle Paulie, played by Burt Young, and Ludmilla Drago, played by Brigitte Nielson, was severely downplayed. Surprisingly when Dolph Lundgren was given more time, he showed he could act. However, I felt the classic worked better because it was more well-known. Once people see the Drago Cut more, they might give it a chance. And since it was Rocky, I decided to satire something. That's when I decided to go for the obvious, the "Rocky III" freeze frame ending between Apollo and Rocky. Thankfully Chad and I agreed to do that in one take. And I loved getting a chance to talk about this movie.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 7
(Cut to "Nine years and "The Quest" continues" clips as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was one I HAD to review as a Superman fan myself; I knew all that I needed to know about the movie. Then I had to deal with what I called the Linkara connection. That means knowing when someone does a review of this movie, Linkara is more or less likely to be on board. This is where I also gave my character a challenge and a setback that would help give me something to overcome. To placate Chad Narducci for something beyond his control, The Last Of The Americans had to give up majority control of his production company to Chad. But it was also when I was working on the review that I noticed something no one else had. In the same scene Lex was dancing with that Marie Antoinette look alike, Lenny, played by Jon Cryer, was playing with A ROB the Robot on a Nintendo Entertainment System! That's right! THE first recorded showing of a Nintendo on the big screen and it wasn't in The Wizard but it was in fact, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace! Also, I felt I had to defend the whole Superman taking on Nuclear Disarmament because with things just as tense as it was back in the 1980's and with world leaders being less competent now, we need someone with no political ties to stop us from hurting ourselves! And the whole "There will be peace" Speech makes sense when you realize that no Government will give it to them, not even our Government. So when you understand those aspects, even the cheesier moments aren't as bad nor will they make any more sense.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 6
(Cut to clips of the Last Of The Americans "Austin Powers Trilogy" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Sitting through these three, I had forgotten how good Mike Myers was as an actor and a writer. Some jokes were so well-timed that I had to put in my take on them. Plus, I wanted to expand my character by showing he had something before he was an Internet Reviewer. Also to explain some of the technology James had. However as I was going on this ride, tragedy struck one of our own. As I was finishing up this trilogy Marsha Kent-Rodriguez AKA She-Rod AAKA the wife of Eric "E-Rod The Blockbuster Buster" Rodriguez passed away due to complications from COVID complications. I dedicated what was unanimously agreed the best of the trilogy which happened to be "The Spy Who Shagged Me". This also marked me doing research on the movies and the stories behind things that happened while the movie was made. So getting to add more to give people felt good and this was one of my favorite trilogies, I've done for my three month season premiere!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 5
(Cut to "Life's a "Splash"" clips as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was one I wanted to review because it remains one of the last great romantic comedies I've ever seen, and I wanted to celebrate this movie by reviewing it. I also addressed the Allison Pregler elephant in the room and mentioned what Disney+ did when they released the movie on that platform. Also, maybe it's me, but I loved how the story and acting were so well-paced when I was younger. But going into it with all the information, I found it an even more interesting story. I had to share that Allen was willing to give Madison up to save her from being a Government experiment. I felt for Eugene Levy's Character, Dr. Cornbluth, first having to struggle with feelings of inadequacy and feeling that you have to prove yourself with everything you do, having to defend your rights, even if you're alone in them, having to fight for every scrap of dignity only to have someone come and pummel you nearly to death because of it. I made this one of my favorite reviews because I put a lot of effort into giving it the dignity it deserves. 

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 4 
(Cut to "Ghostbusters have an "Afterlife" of five hundred years" & "The "Extreme" end of "Ghostbusters" clips as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Watching Ghostbusters: Afterlife, I saw something that was perfectly cathartic after having 2019 and 2020 be two of the worst years of my life, both personally and professionally; I needed to have a movie that allow me to laugh and cry at the same time. So to honor this, I decided that this movie needed a review worthy of the movie itself, no sketches, no comedy unless it was a joke worthy of The Last Of The Americans. As for the Extreme Ghostbusters review, that was partly because I needed a crossover, and I think the one at the number two spot would probably not count as a real crossover. Which is when I remembered I had to deal with the Extreme Ghostbusters. While I was the expert in the series, having seen it in its original syndicated run. Having checked out what I thought was essential to the series, Rowdy came up with some of the best jokes I've heard in a review, and everything just worked. It was something I needed to watch, and I needed to celebrate in my review.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 3 
(Cut to clips of both "What Is Star Trek Syndrome? & "A Taste of The Rainbow"

James Faraci (V.O.):
Ashleigh Burton inspired this one as she watched "Galaxy Quest," and I decided to give it a watch. Once I did, I discovered that not only was this a parody of Star Trek, but it felt more like a study of what happened to the cast of Star Trek and to the creator Gene Roddenberry and then I saw it in other fandoms. It helped postulate a theory I had about tv and movie franchises, the cast, and the people who work on these franchise series. I surmised and came to conclusions that hopefully everyone would understand. "A Taste Of The "Rainbow" got done because my plans to review of "The Man" fell through because outside of a few jokes. So I had to ask everyone I could help with something to review. Rowdy AKA Chris Lee Moore, saved my backside with Rainbow Brite and The Star Stealer! However when I saw it, it made me remember of something I had seen 25 years ago this year.  Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin!". So I had gotten those Vietnam Flashbacks and decided to put that experience into the review. (Show the clip of James as he has his Vietnam Flashback to "Batman & Robin" and as it ends James continues his voiceover) Just two favorites that tied at the same point. Fans loved both and I loved them so why not let them share the same spot.

(Show clip of James as he wakes up from his Vietnam Flashback covered in blood and Rainbow colors as Rowdy asks "What happened?" and James responds with "I don't know!" Cut to 0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 2
(Cut to clips of "April's Showers bring a whole lotta "CARNAGE" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (V.O.):
Kent Lilly was a great person to put up with me and my directing and writing. Looking at him, I thought he would be a great Andy Serkis and his ability to do great voices made this review a knockout review. Of course, it also allowed me to relive one of the funniest moments in Movie Award history. At the 2003 MTV Movie Awards, Andy was finishing up his work as Gollum in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy, and they did a bit in which Gollum/Smeagol and Andy were in the same room and dealing with the award. It was perfect parody fodder and Kent again had to go through hours of makeup to become the Gollum/Smeagol parody and we shot all the scenes of Kent in the full make up and then work backwards also helped that Kent is a great voice over artist. I truly can say he is the best at voice work and I thank him for being professional and letting me know how big a Jackass I can be.  

(Cut to "Andy Serkis" in full Gollum mode as he ends his cursing rant with James grabbing him and saying "Goodnight" and the reviews ends. Cut to the scene as it begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
And The Number One Best moment of 2022 is...
(Cut to clips of the "The Top Ten Best Episodes of The Orville...So Far" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
When I first saw the series, one thought came to mind. It felt like I was watching Seth MacFarland's take on those 1990s syndicated Star Trek series, and while yeah, it started off that way, it took a different direction and became the purest Sci-Fi Series I have ever seen. Once Fox gave it the boot after saying they'd give it a third season, Hulu gave it a last-second stay of execution, and the third season became one of the best in the entire series, I decided, much like with my fandom of "Life As A Mermaid," I figured I would celebrate the series' success throughout its run and unlike "Mermaid," "The Orville" looks to keep going and something tells me I am going to be another Top ten about the series further down the line. And I am looking forward to more from Seth and the cast of The Orville. I love celebrating success and call this series the best success Seth MacFarland has had, and I hope this success continues for several more seasons!

(Cut to James physically)

James Faraci:
What will 2023 bring me? Well, how about my tenth anniversary, for starters. Maybe some good news in developing my movie... (Air raid sirens blare) My god... It's happening! It's Really Happening! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES TO THE SHELTER! (James runs as he morphs off camera as the camera work becomes shaky, and James runs into everyone else as everyone starts to fear something wrong, James yells to them to head for the shelter in the basement! Everyone runs in, with James being the last guy in.)

TLOTA:
My god, we've done it! We've really done it! If this makes it out in any way, shape, or form, I have to say that I blame you for the end of the world! I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and...I think it's for real this time! (Power flickers out)

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

The Powers That Be: All the Powers that glitters are not a "Goldmember"

(Scene begins on the streets of Hollywood as “Hurray For Hollywood” on a guitar plays as James and Chad drive through the city.)

TLOTA (Audio only):
Yeah, I’m in town until I can find her, Rowdy  Yeah, I’d like to do a crossover, but our schedules just continue to clash, Hopefully later this year. Alright, Yep, Okay, Maybe  Stay Rowdy Dude  (Cut to James and Chad as they park outside a studio and step out of the car.)

TLOTA:
Okay, according to the tracker, Dr. Vile’s base is over there. First chance we can get, we rescue Alex, and we get out of this den of hell!

Chad Narducci:
Come on, James, can’t you feel the incredible power from this city?

TLOTA:
The only power I feel from this place is the power of evil that Mattling from The Dead Talk Back talked about, and the levels of evil emanating from here would make that nutjob go through the friggin’ roof. As a matter of fact, I think I see him trying to convert the Bloods and Crips to (Gunshots ring out) Ah, never mind Mattling is running for his life as the two gangs want to smoke him like a Ham!

Chad Narducci:
Mattling, and you can call it evil, I call it entertainment MOJO  HIT THE MUSIC! 

(“Soul Bossa Nova” plays in the foreground as Chad’s feet start to get into the groove, and he asks James to join him, and James declines as Chad gets into the dancing sensation as the music starts to get into the groove, and the scene pauses as the words “The Last Of The Americans” in the same font style as the “Austin Powers” movies title intros as Chad runs into the studio without a pass and James tells the  security guard and they run as Chad dances his way into a scene in a Marvel movie and James and the guard apologies then run out as Chad comes to the orchestra as they play the theme and he tiptoes past the band and James stops momentarily as he comes up to the conductor.)

TLOTA:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incidental music maker for The Last Of The Americans Isaac “Fro Magnum Man” Ross  This is the man who gives our series the full-on out MOJO  (Isaac and James high-five each other as the music continues and James run into a studio as a music video director as the director on the set asks for quiet as James sees Chad ready to dance.) Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me  (Chad begins to dance with a young pop star whose career will be over by the time this review is out as James sighs and starts to dance as it’s revealed to be a Shedroid that can’t handle James’ power she explodes and Chad runs from James.) For the love of peat moss, CHAD!  (The music kicks back up and Chad goes on dancing and the music and James runs after him again as Chad does Jazz hands and is raised with James kicking and screaming Chad’s name as he’s caught on a rope on the rising stand hanging upside down with the music reaching a crescendo and James shouting “CHAD!” as the words “The “Powers” That Be” are seen in the same font type as the “Austin Powers” intro and the music ends as the Dr. Evil theme soundalike plays and it cuts to the interior of the base of Dr. Vile as he overlooks the Hollywood sign.)

Dr. Vile:
So, with Agent 428 now disposed of, let us now...(the sound of doors getting boomed as troops run through the lair as James and Chad carrying  machine guns lead the assault.)

TLOTA:
You’re under arrest!

Chad Narducci:
So get on your knees and put your hands on your (Chad’s Machine gun goes off everyone ducks as the Frau Farbissina, Mini-Me, Number 2, and Scott espies are taken out, and the gun runs out of ammo. James looks and sees the slaughter that took place  James stammers and stumbles on his words for a few seconds.)

TLOTA:
Do you know that the only reason I’m not choking you right now is the fact that Alex is possibly in a convoluted death trap, and I have to focus my energy on rescuing her and kicking that numb nutted, bald sumbitch a new butthole  (Cut to Dr. Vile)

Dr. Vile:
First off, you caught me and killed everyone around me in the first act of your review. Where will the story go from here? Secondly, I don’t have Alex. She never arrived; I thought she did; I was wrong. Sorry Agent 428  (Cut to a perplexed James and Chad.)

Chad Narducci:
What the Funk and Wagnalls did you just say? (James’ communicator beeps as he answers it.)

TLOTA:
Hello, what’s up, chief?  She was Where? You mean to tell me that we (Cut to James, Chad, and Julia Alexa Miller in the waiting room at the II-DOD hours later as James is standing with his face in front of a wall and Chad standing with his face in front of another wall!) wasted months of traveling FOR NOTHING! 

Julia Alexa Miller:
Well, you caught a villain, and from what I heard, the two of you got along better than you have for years.

TLOTA:
Alex, you were trapped in the broom closet for a couple of hours, had it not been for Rebecca and Nick, it would’ve been worse for you.

Chad Narducci:
Now, as for us catching Dr. Vile, according to the leader of the free world, he has a catch and release program for terrorists who want to take over the world with a caveat. With each failure of their plan, they forfeit whatever technology they create, and their capital is added to the national debt relief!

Julia Alexa Miller:
So the two of you did all this for nothing. What was the point of the trip?! 

Chad Narducci:
That’s the trillion-dollar question  (The door opens as Chief Development walks in)

Chief Development:
Agent 428, we would like you to get started on your review and the paperwork for everything that happened, you as well, Mr. Narducci. However, in separate rooms, Miss Miller, I would like to firstly express my apologies for any inconvenience you experienced. We would like to Debrief you about what happened first, Agent 428. Mr. Narducci will be debriefed later on  (Cut to James as he does his paperwork in the same style of “Hot Fuzz” with the few people who survived Chad’s accidental onslaught. Cut to James just as he finishes his paperwork.) 

TLOTA:
…And DONE  Well, let’s get to it  (Cut to the title card of Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER then to clips of Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Yeah, after the critical and commercial success of the second movie, New Line Cinema and Mike Myers went to the well one more time and came up with a few new drops of water while the rest of it feels more cut and paste than the Terminator Sequels after Terminator 2: Judgement Day  But is the movie that bad and boring that there’s no comedy to be found after two successes  Where can Austin go now  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
We’ll find out now, this is Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER 

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
We start off in the Utah desert as Austin comes from out of the sky and takes out a copter featuring one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen as WAIT A SECOND? TOM CUCKOO CLOCK CRUISE IS AUSTIN POWERS, AND FRIGGING PEPPER POTTS HERSELF GWYNETH PALTROW IS HIS LOVE INTEREST? AND DR. EVIL IS NOW PLAYED BY KEVIN SPACEY AND AND AND MINI-ME IS BEING PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO? (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
WHAT THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Well, to my surprise, Austin is in Hollywood as a movie is being made about his exploits with Dr. Evil, and it’s being directed by Steven Spielberg. My mind is already exhausted. After a fourth-wall-breaking dancing opening credit montage which has cameos from both Quincy Jones and Britney “Trainwreck at 40” Spears, We soon discover Dr. Evil doing more psychological damage to Scott, talking about Johann Van Der Smut, who loved gold so much he wanted his junk smelt in gold  Losing it in the process, he took on the alias Goldmember  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And who is playing Goldmember  (Cut to a still of Goldmember as a ding dong is heard and Mike Myers’ name appears as it cuts to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You said it, Robert Wagner  (Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Dr. Evil plans a new preparation for a tractor beam called Preparation H, Austin and the Ministry Of Defense come in. Apparently, Dr. Evil’s lair had a mole played by American sweetheart Fred Savage. After Dr. Evil is sentenced to 400 years in prison, Austin, FINALLY after a brief mentioning of it in the first movie, is knighted, Hoping to see his father be there; however, once we see that he is MIA, Austin heads back to his pad to swing a little to blow off the steam of his father not being there  While with twins which is on his very weird-ass bucket list which is on par with Shatner’s, Basil interrupts letting us know that Nigel Powers played by the now-retired Michael Caine was kidnapped after Austin was knighted  With nowhere left to turn, they decide on one person that can help  (Show moment in which Basil and Austin say “Dr. Evil!”  Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
Gee, I wonder what they’re going to reference in this case  (Cut to the clip of Dr. Evil in a transparent cell parodying both The Silence Of The Lambs and X-Men 2: X-Men United  cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says, “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Dr. Evil come face to face as we get a flashback to the two as they were roommates at an academy. While Dr. Evil worked his bald and ritualistically shaved schnuts off, Austin shagged his way to good grades  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And admittedly, this puts a surprising twist into their relationship  Dr. Evil was a hard-working student who had to bust his bald schnuts to get good grades. At the same time, Austin did nothing and got all the credit. A unique twist on the whole Superhero/Supervillain dichotomy that’s reminiscent of Superboy and Lex Luthor from the silver age of comics  (Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin wins the International Man of Mystery award, and to the surprise of no one in the audience, Austin’s dad didn’t show  A theme is emerging in their relationship. We soon cut back to the present as Dr. Evil tells Austin where his father is, Quid Pro Quo. While he’s not getting his sentence reduced, he is being transferred to the prison where Mini-Me  (Show Dr. Evil as he tells Austin the pertinent facts to find Goldmember  Cut to James physically as there is a knock on the door and Chief Development enters.)

Chief Development:
Your Debriefing and assessment papers  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
One moment, We’ll be back  (Cut to an hour later as James, Julia Alexa Miller, and Chad Narducci a half a second behind James and Julia Alexa Miller as the three come up the phone booth and the three walk through the hall as the doors close except for the last one and Chad knocking on the one before the last one  James sighs and says “Oy Gevalt” as James walks back to get Chad  James opens that door and Chad makes a run for it as James is tripped, gets up, and sees the door closing on him) You have got to be kidding me!

(The scene fades to black as James screams in pain, it then cuts to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme as it shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to the 0:36 mark of the 1994 American Gladiators theme shows James entirely morphed with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans.” Cut to James, Julia Alexa Miller, and Chad Narducci as the three meet with the rest of the team.)

Paulo Fonseca:
So how was your little trip?

TLOTA:
Pointless

Rebecca Yaun:
I heard you blew up a hotel and a trailer park.

Chad Narducci:
That was on me.

TLOTA:
Chad, you fill them in on the details, I am going to work on the review.

(Cut to Austin Powers in GOLDMEMBER as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin heads to 1975 and the infamous Studio 69 Discotheque  Yeah a subtle nod at a Dramatic role Mike Myers played in between the first two Austin Powers movies with that subtlety being on par with the Time Machine, Austin makes it to Studio 69 there he meets with Foxxy Cleopatra played by Beyonce Knowles and I have nothing bad to say about her because I want to live without Jay-Z or anyone associated with either of them and I don’t need that crackpot Kanye “Ye” West coming after me, I have enough people with mental health issues in my life thank you very much  Foxxy through a random cameo by Nathan Lane tells Austin where to find his dad who has his hands and other parts of the body on some ladies for the evening  Austin and Nigel are soon in the hands of Goldmember who again, in case we fell asleep the first time gives us his back story and we also see that Goldmember likes eating his flaking skin like potato chips and Nigel hates the Dutch  Goldmember grabs Nigel and Foxxy tries to put Goldmember out of commission but Goldmember grabs Nigel and heads for 2002 where Foxxy and Austin head after a brief shootout  We then find Dr. Evil and Mini-Me in a Georgia State Prison where Frau Farbissina comes incognito and tells Dr. Evil that Scott is becoming just like Dr. Evil  We then get even more backstory as we see Dr. Evil’s biological mom getting blown up and adopted by Belgians  (Cut to James physically.)

TLOTA:
HOW MUCH MORE FRIGGIN BACKSTORY TO EITHER AUSTIN AND OR DR. EVIL CAN THIS STORY TAKE  THIS IS ROCKY IV LEVELS OF TRYING TO FIT TOO MUCH INTO ONE MOVIE  And yes I will be doing a “Different Cuts” of Rocky IV this summer  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Dr. Evil plans an escape from the Georgia State Prison after a Hard Knock Life Esque rap  Meanwhile, Austin acclimates Foxxy to the 21st century which includes the Internet as only 2002 knows how to be as Austin meets and acknowledged The Mole  (Cut to the clips of Austin acknowledging The Mole’s mole  Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The mole lets Austin and Foxxy know that Dr. Evil’s new lair is somewhere in Tokyo and we soon see it in the depths of Tokyo Bay in a sub that looks like him  Dr. Evil shows his plans to everyone and Goldmember introduces Dr. Evil to Austin Powers’ (Goldmember as he says “Fahzha!”  Cut to James as he says What?. Cut to Goldmember saying “Fahzha!”  Cut to James as he says “Say again?”  Cut to Goldmember saying “Fahzha!”  James walks away and brings Julia Alexa Miller in as he plays the clip again)

TLOTA:
Do you understand what he just said?

 Julia Alexa Miller:
I think he said “Father”.

TLOTA:
I think so too  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nigel attacks the guards however Mini-Me takes him away  As for Goldmember’s plans to paint Nigel’s junk gold  Dr. Evil has this to say (Show clip of Dr. Evil saying “HOW ABOUT NO  YA CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Nigel talks to Mini-Me about how disrespectful everyone has been to him and starts to like the little fella  As that happens Austin and Foxxy get word that Dr. Evil’s henchmen have been seen around a Sumo area and since it’s a Sumo Wrestling arena, there’s only one person that big to be there  (Cut to Fat Bastard in a Sumo banana hammock. Cut to James Physically.)

TLOTA:
Naturally, it has to be Fat Bastard  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin notices Fat Bastard as he is giving some money to a businessman of sorts and decides to interrogate Fat Bastard about the transaction by having Foxxy go incognito to pick up the laundry and Austin hiding in the cart  However, the stink of that many Sumo Banana Hammocks, plus the one from Fat Bastard sets Austin off, and as the two fight Fat Bastard comes at Austin at full power  (Cut to Fat Bastard as he comes to Austin at full power and Austin Screams  Cut to James screaming  Cut to Rowdy C as he screams  Cut to team TLOTA as they scream  Cut to Chad Narducci as he screams like a little girl  Cut to Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Gypsy, and Crow as they scream  Cut to Ace Ventura as he screams in the Shark tank  Cut to The Three Stooges as they scream  Cut to Awkward Ashleigh as she screams  Cut to Linkara as he screams  Cut to Phelous as he and Allison Pregler scream  Cut to Jaimetud and the Drive-In Mutants Scream  Cut back to the movie as the wire fighting team hoists Fat Bastard into the sky only for a few moments before being stuck as the wire team fails Fat Bastard  Cut to the movie as James continues a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Foxxy interrogate Fat Bastard as he decides to sell Dr. Evil and their new associate Mr. Roboto and we have another moment in which Fat Bastard has a moment of realization and he passes gas  Back on Dr. Evil’s sub. Scott shows how far along he has transformed and has the great white sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads which causes tensions as Mini-Me is cast out  He handles it well enough  (Show moment in which Mini-Me flips off Dr. Evil. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
I think that’s Mini-Me for “I will have my revenge for casting me out!” (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin and Foxxy get told that Fat Bastard’s information on Mr. Roboto was accurate  Austin and Foxxy go to Roboto Industries and after some subtitle mishaps, Austin and Foxxy get nothing from him but stick around to infiltrate the building and after a pee joke finds Roboto and Goldmember getting the fusion reactor and the key for the tractor beam which happens to be of course Gold  Foxxy tries to stop Goldmember but forced between saving Nigel and stopping Goldmember the two rescue Nigel as our heroes go through a rather funny car chase trying to catch Goldmember which includes the three ramming into a facsimile of Godzilla and after Goldmember escapes, Austin and Nigel have it out, Sullivan County New York Style  (Cut to Austin and Nigel having a loud disagreement about what to do next and going their separate ways. Cut to James physically as he demorphs to James Faraci.)

James Faraci:
For a long time, I felt like Austin, It felt like it would take a miracle when I realized me and my dad did have a bond  So in a way, I did better than Austin did and that bond is something I cherished until those last days I had with my dad  He is physically gone but still, he’s with me and I love that  (James morphs back to The Last Of The Americans)

TLOTA:
Now back to business  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The next morning Mini-Me tells as best as he can that he wants to join Austin to take down Dr. Evil  However in a comedic mishap and Austin thinking “Fool me once shame on you, Fool Me twice shame on me” and remembering what happened in the last movie Austin and Mini-Me fight it out that is until the Mole lets Austin know that Mini-Me has defected from Dr. Evil and wish to help them stop the guy  Then of course comes a moment that Austin had been wanting to do since he first saw that mole and a moment, I’ve been waiting for  (Cut to James as an instrumental of “Gimme Some More” plays.)

TLOTA:
You people had enough  (Cut to Renee Miller)

Renee Miller:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You people want the wild schtick  (Cut to Paulo, Rebecca, Brenda, and Nick)

Paulo, Rebecca, Brenda, and Nick (In union):
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Hey Chief, Where my green at  (Cut to Chief Development) 

Chief Development:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
You know my people need that  (Cut to the rest of Team TLOTA)

The rest of Team TLOTA:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Even though we getting money, you can (Cut to Chad Narducci)

Chad Narducci:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
With the cars and the big crib  (Cut to Rowdy C)

Rowdy C:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Everybody spread love (Cut to The Ninja Cats)

The Ninja Cats:
Gimme some mole  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
If you want it to let me hear you say (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller at James’ office door.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
GET BACK TO WORK  NOW  (The building shakes as James is scared out of his seat  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Now dressed like Austin, Mini-Me lets Austin and Foxxy know that the tractor beam is complete and it was time to strike against Dr. Evil  As that happens, Dr. Evil makes contact with the World Organization, again to say he has the world up for ransom for an exorbitant amount of cash  Then we get another recycled joke this time revolving around (Cut to the joke about the satellite that look like a pair of breasts, up to the point of the fans of the Titans sans the A&N. Cut to John Ross Santos as he says “Knockers!” and James peeks out of his office.)

TLOTA:
What are you talking about  (Cut to John Ross Santos)

John Ross Santos:
I thought about it and I decided we need to put knockers on the door  What’s up  (Cut to James at his door)

TLOTA:
Just dealing with a bad joke about (Cut to Mike Santos as he looks out the window and Andrew Beach.)

Mike Santos:
Hooters 

Andrew Beach:
They open up a new one here?

Mike Santos:
Looks like it and it’s a big setup  Hey Andrew, look at those sets of (The screen stops as there is a pause sign as it cuts back to the movie as Ozzy Osbourne is calling the filmmakers boobs then cutting to the rest of the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Austin, Mini-Me, and Foxxy get into the sub as Roboto comes in and requests a bonus, however, Scott who has gotten a whole lot worse, decides to take care of Roboto, himself  Austin and Mini-Me continue on their mission incognito in the same costume  After using the shadow joke again, Mini-Me gets out of dodge as he takes the map and bumps into Foxxy  After a brief moment of victory, Foxxy shows she has the key  And if we didn’t have enough plot twists, Nigel arrives and tells that Austin and Dr. Evil are in fact biological brothers, Scott has had enough and vows vengeance for a lifetime of abuse and Goldmember had a spare key which was his privates which is disturbing and wrong on so many levels  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
OKAY, DID SHYAMALAN HELP WRITE THIS MOVIE? (Cut to Shaymalan at James’ office door)

Shyamalan:
I wish, oh, by the way, there appears to be a somewhat angry woman here, should I say something  (Cut to James)

TLOTA:
Nope, she knew you were coming and you’re about to feel it  (Shyamalan is grabbed  Cut to James as the building is shaking with the sounds of thuds as James just walking to the studio kitchen as he prepares a cup of Tea with Honey and Lemon and James grabs a pair of earplugs as a loud scream shakes the building and James finishes the tea prep as Julia Alexa Miller walks in.)

TLOTA:
Tea with Honey and Lemon?

Julia Alexa Miller:
Thanks, oh be careful, Shaymalan’s remains are painted in the hallway.

TLOTA:
Thank you  (Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Goldmember activates the tractor beam and Dr. Evil comes up with the solution as he reverses the polarity at one of the conduits destroying the tractor beam and fricasseeing Goldmember  Foxxy arrests when WHAT? AGAIN? PLAY THE CLIP  I’VE GOT NOTHING  (Cut to Robert Wagner as Number 2 as he says “Oy Gevalt!”  Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah, The movie ends at the premiere of the fake Austin Powers movie and with Scott once again vowing vengeance, bloopers from Ozzy Osbourne’s cameo, another cameo from the runaway trainwreck that is Britney Spears, and one last moment from Burt Bacharach  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
So that was Austin Powers in Goldmember, and I will admit, it was not the best of the three but not the worst one of the three  (Cut to clips of Austin Powers in Goldmember as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Admittedly, I would have to say that the movie is one-third recycled jokes and a lot of the plot was on repeat  A lot of the plot twists and the humor fell flat as a schmoke and a pancake  However, I did enjoy the development of the character dynamics, I liked how and what motivated Austin to be Austin, I enjoyed it a lot, and even though I didn’t like it, I think there was a sense of closure that was meant to occur and maybe the start of a new generation would pick up the franchise after some time has passed and found a way to make Austin more his own thing and not a parody of the 1960s spy genre and what is surprising to me is the longevity of the popularity of the Austin Powers movies has endured and how much people still want a fourth movie  Well, if it happens, I will check it out and see if it is worthy of the legacy of the first three  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
For now, I am now moving forward with a renewed MOJO  I’m James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and That’s my opinion  (Cut to sometime later as James looks over his next review for April as Julia Alexa Miller joins James.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
So did you and Chad have some common ground?

TLOTA:
I think things between Chad and I will eventually get better, right now I’m focused on two things  This movie and you

Julia Alexa Miller:
But what happened to Dr. Vile after he got released. 

TLOTA:
Um, I’m not sure but I think I know  (Cut to a highrise building as the jingle of “STUPIDIOT VILLAINY, WEST COAST BRANCH!” is heard as we cut to Professor Hiram Stupidiot as he reads a resume and Dr. Vile sitting in a chair )

Prof. Stupidiot:
Well, your resume of evil is impressive, but for a position you seem to be applying for, we do like our applicants to be able to provide some form of resources of their own, and I am a bit concerned about this whole “Government taking away my tech” section…

Dr. Vile:
Well, it is true that all my hardware was confiscated, but fortunately, the meddling and incompetent Chad Narducci chose not to do something as simple as a pat-down, so I was able to salvage… this…

(Hands Stupidiot a flash drive from under his shirt, which Stupidiot immediately plugs into computer)

Dr. Vile:
What you have on that drive is the best decryption technology known to humankind  It is impossible for my program to be cracked!

Prof. Stupidiot:
Yes… this could prove to be very useful…

Dr. Vile:
Yes, now if I could just have my flash drive back, perhaps we could begin to talk salary…

Prof. Stupidiot:
Hmm? What flash drive  Oh, and… sorry but the position has been filled  (Prof. Stupidiot pushes a button on his desk  Vile flies away as a rocket underneath his chair encapsulates Dr. Vile and launches  Dr. Vile screams that he will get Professor Stupidiot)

Prof. Stupidiot:
Drecks, prepare the Computer Hacker Of Doom  Rowdy and those meddling cats are about to endure my wrath like they have never seen! (Professor Stupidiot laughs his usual Maniacal laugh)