Showing posts with label "Scales" Mermaids Are Real. Show all posts
Showing posts with label "Scales" Mermaids Are Real. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 21, 2021

The Top 10 moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2021

  (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I’m James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views that I’m about to express are that of my own and some of yours. 2021 was a better year, but in comparison to 2019 and 2020, it wasn’t better by much. (Cut to moments from The Last Of The Americans in 2021 as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA(V.O.):
Between dealing with COVID compliances and having to go bare-bones with both the Number of people in the studio and how many things I could do with who I could get, it was tough. Having to deal with not only with Lucifer but also the return of an enemy that possessed a man who has driven me to quite a few breaking points this year as apparently, he wants to take control of what I’ve been doing, what I want to do, and how it should be done. But still, I can get my workload done. However, things will be more challenging as the next few years go on.  (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to explain correctly, Here I go! (James pulls out his Morpher and becomes James Faraci)

James Faraci:
To get the support I need for my movie to be done correctly, I am now a student at my local college with my major being in Media Arts, meaning for now, while the movie I had planned isn’t happening now, I don’t care what I have to do, This movie will get made, and I WILL be getting it done, no matter what the cost! But having said that, You have spoken as to what your favorite moments from me this year were, and I’ve got my five so let’s get to “The Top 10 moments of The Last Of The Americans in 2021”

(Scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 10
(Cut to clips of An Arthouse "Head" Trip as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was one movie I wanted to talk about because I had heard about this movie and I wanted to get into the history of the subject which was the musical group and TV series behind the movie. I mean the movie is a product of its time and it shows but still, it is one hell of a movie that needed to be discussed and even further evaluated than how I did it. However, if you do decide to review it, understand it may mess with your head for a while. However, as I worked on this countdown Michael Nesmith passed away. So that might make this one a little more topical.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 9
(Cut to clips of "School" Daze" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was the first review I did after starting College so I can get my movie done, one way or another, and a lot of the college humor I used to laugh at would now be subject for an episode of "Law & Order SVU". What surprised me though was that people missed the references in the opening and the first third of the review. All that sugar and caffeine was about the same amount Crow had to take to stop from being replaced with a Pod Person Doppelganger in the classic MST3K episode "The Giant Spider Invasion" and because I had to explain it. (Cut to the Clip of The Joker shouting "If you have to explain the joke, THEN THERE IS NO JOKE!". Cut to James physically)

James Faraci:
Exactly
 
(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 8
(Cut to clips of "In Defense Of..THE MAN SHOW" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
I had wanted to discuss this series and I had seen the series on both YouTube and TUBI and somehow a lot of the materials are still relevant.  Manliness as I knew it has been deemed obsolete and when they talked about how bad Valentine's day was for guys like me it was Kismet that guys actually agreed with my views on the series. It quickly became one of the best episodes of "In Defense Of..." I've done and in this case was worth all the laughs I got from watching and all the drinks I took from the toast at the end of each episode and the allnighter I did. (Cut to every male reviewer as they chant "Ziggy-Zockie, Ziggy-Zockie, HOI-HOI-HOI!" multiple times before pounding down their drinks.)

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 7
(Cut to clips of the review of the movie "Seeing Double")


James Faraci (Voiceover):
This was a movie that I had wanted to see and talk about and initially was worried that would not be well received because A) No one knew who in the heck S Club 7/ S Club was nor was any of their music known stateside outside of "Never Had A Dream Come True" which was talked about by Todd In The Shadows in a segment of "One Hit Wonderland". Also, I wondered if Mathew "Film Brain" Buck had heard of the movie, he did, he never saw it and for that matter neither did Todd In The Shadows. I wrote everything down and like how it was with The Blockbuster Buster when I worked on the "Wonder Woman" movie with him, I did all the work, the two just read what was given to them and that is the reason this review is not a crossover with the exception of Mathew and Todd doing some minor improvisations in the script all of it was done by these two hands. But what put this one on the list is the ending which set up the story for the eighth-anniversary review which I had wanted to include an old enemy, The Wicked.  Which made this moment happen. (Show the "It Was Agatha All Along" parody moment) Yeah, everyone, I was the first one to actually parody the "It Was Agatha All Along." moment in Internet Reviewing.  A list-worthy moment if I say so myself.

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 6
(Cut to clips of "Reboot Of The View Askewniverse" as James does a voiceover.)


James Faraci: (Voiceover):
Initially, I had planned on a Mortal Kombat 2021 in August, however, I needed some more time to hone the review. Which led me to do a review of something I figured I would talk about eventually however to my surprise Kevin Smith was filming "Clerks III" at the time and I figured if I were to review "Jay And Silent Bob: Reboot" and if he were to see it, I could get a cameo in the movie. I didn't get the cameo but I got a list worthy review as Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes made this entry list-worthy. 

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 5
(Cut to clips of "Artist Therapy" as James does a voiceover.)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
To stave off the insanity that was the first couple of months of this year, I figured I would check out something I have been dying to see, "The Disaster Artist" which would have to be made with COVID compliances. However, when I told people I was planning on reviewing it, Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero wanted in on the review. I told Tommy that I was in charge and he had to listen to what I had to tell him. However, production was insane as Tommy Wiseau had made comments about "The Lumberjack Song" that I am not sharing. Then came the moment in which he tried to tell me how to time my gags in the therapy session when I had to break it into different days as I was allowed only a certain number of people. Then he had to cry about putting on facial prosthetics. It was for half a day that he and Greg had to wear the facial prosthetics! He then went on to ask why we had to film two gags at the same time! The gags he was talking about were the Hallway gag to signify the end of the first half of the review and the end one which had me trying to outrun everyone in the therapy session who wanted me, Julia Alexa Miller and Chad Narducci! And had Tommy not talked at all until he was asked to do his lines. It would've taken minutes. But because he wanted some say in how the scenes were to turn out and he ad-libbed with what he felt was right and Greg had to reign him in, it took HOURS! The filming process dragged for what felt like a month when it was, in fact, a full week, and again with COVID restrictions, I had to limit the time everyone could be there to film. Everyone was willing to knuckle down and told me to power through the worst points in producing this review. It was literally the shoot from hell! Yet we survived and by the grace of God, I finished the review on time and on schedule. A Crazy Film about a crazy cinematic experience and the review that was the most intense experience of my entire career as an internet reviewer!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 4
(Cut to clips of It's a cold & "Cruella" November as James does a voiceover.)


James Faraci (V.O.):
This one, I actually had outside help when it came to the timing of the jokes in the episodes, and everything else in the review. I actually had Steve Kidd come in and co-write this episode with me! When I decided to do "Cruella"  the initial idea was to make it a talk show ALA how The DC movie "Joker" was like and it would be similar to that. This is where Steve came in and helped. He and I did a lot to make this one work and I have to give Steve the credit for this because he went and took what I did over a finer toothed comb than I did and it really showed. Especially since I had the idea to have the talk show be worse than "Demo Reel"! "DEMO REEL"!  For that talk show to be that bad, things went off the wheels right from the get-go! And for Steve to help make this happen, I had to put this one on the list!

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 3 
(Cut to clips of  "Wonder"-ing how many years I've been doing this eight years or "84" as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
To celebrate the eight years I had been doing this I pushed myself to get through the highly awaited sequel to one of the few good movies DC has done in the past decade. When I saw it, I said "It's Review Fodder", the question was how to make it a review that I could put my own stamp on it. So I looked at Pedro Pascal and I remembered him in "Kingsman" and I remembered Kristin Wiig in "Ghostbusters: Answer The Call" and I had been watching the finale of "WandaVision" at the time so a lot of my inspiration came from those moments led to this moment! (Cut to the clip as Team TLOTA, The Blockbuster Buster, Linkara, James, and Julia Alexa Miller as they try and stop "The Wicked" once and for all.) Yeah it's amazing and knowing Chad is now a thorn that James cannot get rid of as he is now a reoccurring character to drive James mad every now and then

(0:36 until the end of the 1994 American Gladiators theme plays as it cuts to James as he morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
Number 2 
(Cut to the clips of the "Cool Like Keanu" Reviews as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (Voiceover):
Okay, this all started back at the end of my 2020 Holiday Guide, I wanted to let people know that much like everyone that year, it ended on a down note and of course, the only song that would be apropos was the end music of "Batman Returns" like I'm sure most of us had in mind. However "Cool Like Keanu" had me in a quandary. If I played it right and had gone with the original ending, it would've killed my movie right then and there. The Alternate ending would've seen me surviving my self inflicted stabbing only for the Doctor as played by my friend Thorn Winter handing me Emmalina's Amulet, just the final nail in the coffin for my relationship and as for Julia Alexa Miller, she would disappear as Chad Narducci runs up to her and as the audio has him talk to the police we see her emerge on a rock in the ocean as the audio of the officer asking if she was alone. Julia Alexa Miller's last words are "I am" as she spends the rest of her life as a mermaid and my character is alone killing the movie at the end. However, I felt that there had been enough negativity and sadness from 2020 and the best thing I could think of to make everyone feel better is watching a Keanu Reeves movie. I also wanted to purge the darkness of the last year by having to deal with his darkest movie ever and an awesome movie in his resurgence of popularity.

(Cut to the ending of the "Bill and Ted Face The Music"'s review ending as it cuts to James physically)

James Faraci:
Before we go to the number one spot, let's check out some Honorary mentions

(Cut to Different reviews as James does a voiceover)

James Faraci (V.O.):

"Good" that's dripping in "Chocolate")
Since I talked about the differences between a Cooking Show and a Cooking Reality Show, that opened the door for me to review a series or at least an episode of a Cooking Show that I loved, and since I still watch "Good Eats", I decided to check out an episode for the possibility for a review. Thanks to Alton Brown's creativity, I was able to do a review of his Halloween Special "The House That Dripped Chocolate" which when I saw the first time scared the crap out of me as much as I learned how to make some confectionary classics. Which has me thinking about revisiting some episodes next year, say around Thanksgiving.

Headin' for a "Hawaiian Wedding")
I had decided as a follow-up to my "In Defense Of... BAYWATCH" to check out the reunion movie and after the first time, I felt a blend of sadness and sorrow. The only things I could equate it to was when Siskel and Ebert had to review the movies "Frozen Assets" and "She's Out Of Control" at the beginning but as I continued on watching, I felt the same loss of joy as Joel and The Bots felt by the time they got to the third act of "Castle Of Fu Manchu" leading me to break down, cry and contemplate my future as "The Last Of The Americans"! I thankfully survived the movie and I was capable to move forward.

My 13 favorite "The Real Ghostbusters" Episodes)
I had heard Phelous and Allison Pregler had gotten engaged earlier this year and as a Wedding present, I had told them that I was going to do a list of episodes of my favorite episodes of "The Real Ghostbusters" and Phelous was going to guest appear in the countdown at key points and it allowed me to rewatch a series that I liked until ABC and Q5 made the series unpalatable which is what led me not to put ANY of those episodes into this list. Now if you enjoyed those episodes, good for you. But those non Q5 episodes were the best the series made and those episodes were the ones that made my list.

Hitting all the right & wrong "Scales")
A couple of years ago, I decided to reward myself for putting up with some rather crazy things with getting "Scales: Mermaids Are Real" and when I first saw it for the most part it was your everyday average straight to DVD fare, that is... until the ending! It was such an "Out of left field" thing to do that it shocked the hell out of me! And this movie was given the Dove Foundation Seal Of Approval! But then again, The Dove Foundation has approved the "Norm Of The North" films and Kirk Cameron's cinematic opuses so take that for what it's worth. But I digress, That ending! The ending in which the character of Siren as played by Emmy Perry and her biological mother played by Hannah Frasier decides to take care of one of the henchmen to the main villain who wasn't going to stop until he got what he came for had led to the moment that ruined all the goodwill and decent moments the movie had up to that point! (Cut to the clip as James screams in fear as the scene of watching Brody being reduced to water then it cuts to "Rob Zombie's Halloween" as Dr. Loomis screams out "WHAT THE HELL?! JESUS CHRIST!". Cut to the moment in which Brody is now a pile of water as James calls the movie sick, Babbles incoherently about what happened and continued to call the movie sick.) Yeah, I didn't hold back because a supposed family-friendly movie about a young girl coming of age and becoming a mermaid quickly turned into a movie about killing to protect a secret, and if you don't, you will meet the same grizzly fate the character of Brody did! So even though it took me some time to get to it, I reviewed it. However, I was disappointed with myself because originally I had planned on making this a crossover with The Captivating Christian Chris T. Ian! When he didn't call me back, I knew flying solo was the only way for me to go. (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to water as James screams in fear and hides.)
 
(Scene fades to black as James' scream echos in the blackness. The scene begins with a laser hitting a slab of Titanium as the music of the 1994 American Gladiators opening theme plays the angle of the camera goes into the laser as three shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as the shadows reveal themselves to be James Faraci in the center, Paulo Fonseca on the right and Rebecca Yaun on the left as their names appear above the characters. As the three-run out of frame moving forward, four more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear and the shadows reveal themselves as Brenda Fonseca on the right, Nick Yaun on the left, and John and Mike Santos and their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame moving forward, five more shadowed figures with lasered outlines appear as they reveal themselves to be Renee Miller and Eric Kurtzke on the right, Andrew Beach and Ed Champion on the left, and Olivia Horvath appears in the center as their names appear above the characters. As they run out of frame credits of “Written and directed by James Faraci, Edited by Eric Kurtzke, Makeup by Olivia Horvath Produced by First Choice Productions” as it ends the Laser beam disappears and at the 0:28 mark of the theme song the words “The” “Last” “Of” “The” appears. At the 0:32-0:36 mark, the word “Americans” start to come forward as it pulls down, and James’ Morpher and Sonic Screwdriver is flung into the frame as James grabs both and morphs into The Last Of The Americans with the half team TLOTA on his right and the other half on his left as the camera pulls back to see the slab with the markings “The Last Of The Americans”. The Laser returns to cut out the Number)

James Faraci (Voiceover):
And The Number One Best moment of 2021 is 
(Cut to clips of “The Different Cuts of Superman The Movie” review as James does a voiceover)


James Faraci (V.O.):
To me, this was the one set of Different Cuts that I wanted to do with only one person who loved the original Christopher Reeve movie and that man is James Daniel Walsh, the boss of Manic-Expression.com! I had told him of the idea and he loved it. We worked out the details of the "Different Cuts" and basically when I read his parts in the review, I knew that this was reviewing gold! I knew that for this one I had to be on my A-Game, especially when it came to the subject matter. So when I discovered that there were three different versions of the same movie, I trusted my judgment to let James Daniel Walsh take the lead and when it came out everyone loved this, and became one of the best episodes of "The Different Cuts" I have done so far, and I got a chance to talk about one of my favorite movies all three versions, Warts and All. Plus I got a chance to talk briefly about a fan cut that should be released for public consumption through Warner Brothers. However, as I finished working on this episode of The Different Cuts,  Richard Donner died! Well, ain't timing a pain in the tuchus. In spite of all that, this was for all intent and purposes the best moment for The Last Of The Americans in 2021. (Cut to James Faraci The Last Of The Americans as he walks out looking annihilated saying who he is and falling down. Cut to James Daniel Walsh as he whistles the Superman Theme. Cut to James in his office.)

James Faraci:
What's gonna happen in 2022 besides me turning 40, celebrating nine years of doing The Last Of The Americans, continuing my college education, and if by some grace of God I make the movie? Quite a bit, I might even get another Summer Retrospective in, if I have the time.  But in order for that to happen (James pulls out his Morpher and morphs into The Last Of The Americans.)

TLOTA:
It's time to get the mojo going with a lot of Powers! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans saying "OH BEHAVE!"

Friday, May 21, 2021

Hitting all the right & wrong "Scales"

    (0:36-end mark from the theme from the final season of American Gladiators original run play the camera moves back to see James on top of the slab with the words “The Last Of The Americans” on it before cutting to James in his office physically)

TLOTA:
I'm James Faraci, The Last Of The Americans, and the views I'm about to express are that of my own & some of yours. Let's talk about "Scales: Mermaids Are Real." (Cut to the opening credit of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. Cut to clips of the movie as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
No real build-up, no true reason why except maybe just for funsies, I'd check out a movie that got approved by The Dove Foundation and possibly something for fun and given the state of fear and anxiety I have right now due to circumstances beyond my control, I need something to relax me so I can get through the rest of this year. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And apparently, with time against me and other things (The sound of pounding and banging is heard as demonic ranting and raving is heard as the footage shakes.) THIS IS "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL!" (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As the movie begins we're shown that this movie is produced by Fromage Productions so you know it was gonna be cheesy! We soon are given images of Mermaids as we come exposition animation as the credits roll. We soon come upon a young girl named Siren played by Emmy Perry coming up for air as she gives us exposition about her dreams. (Show clip of Siren as she talks about her dreams. Cut to the movie as James does a voiceover) We're soon introduced to her foster mom Tiffany played by "Law & Order" alumni Elisabeth Röhm as she takes Siren off to school where she meets a kid with brittle bone disease amongst his other problems named Adam played by Jack Grazer and her long time friend Crystal played by Nikki Hahn. During science class in which the science teacher who may come off nice, needs to know when to be bubbly and when to be the disciplinarian of her class they talk about metamorphosis as Siren somehow is able to manipulate the water in a bottle. Running scared she decides on talking to her friend wonders what is going on with her? (Show clip of Crystal and Siren talking and certain things are talked about including certain girl/women things. Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Give her a break, What she doesn't need is the Spanish Inquisition! (Cut to the entrance to James' Studio as the Monty Python "Spanish Inquisition" stinger plays and as a trio of performers dressed as Inquisitors scream "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Scene cuts to James as the sounds of slaughter are being heard)

TLOTA:
Well, the funerals for those poor guys are gonna have to come out of my budget! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Eventually Siren shows her abilities. The two talk as we see some truly strange things happening as Siren is scared by the people around her as if people are looking at her. Later on, Siren and her foster mother come in and the two talk about her birth mom and how much Siren's birth mom would love Siren. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA: 
Which based on the title, yeah, this just reinforces a trope when it comes to Mermaids becoming moms, and sadly how they SUCK at motherhood! (1970's Gameshow music plays in the background of clips of mothers and different mermaids as James does a voiceover.)

TLOTA (V.O.):
I'm not knocking motherhood as easy, But let's face it when you give birth to a child, ninety-five percent of your free time now belongs to taking care of a child. This movie and movies like  "The Thirteenth Year",  and the Barbie "Mermaid Tale" movies show this trope, even the series "Mako Mermaids" & "Siren" has that trope that Mermaids aren't the best mothers though, in the latter's defense, it wasn't like Ryn played by Eline Powell was glad to give her up the daughter to her pod. Maybe that's something that needed to be addressed more those sort of feelings as to why this happened and how much it hurt the mermaid to give up their child and how much she wanted to be in her child's life. Mermaids becoming mothers and how it can be a good thing for the mother mermaid to teach the offspring about themselves and what to expect in the world. This is one problem I have with the Disney Animated "Little Mermaid" movies. The third one showed that Ariel did have a mom for the first few formative years, While yes Ariel's mom was killed because... makes it easy. There should've been more time dedicated to Ariel learning to explore because maybe her mom loved doing it and it would've led to Ariel being the way she was. Call me nuts but we need to see more movies when it comes to mermaids and motherhood, it needs to be handled better. (Cut to James as he sighs.)

TLOTA:
But I digress, on with the review. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Later on, Adam and Siren have a brief conversation, quickly becoming friends as Adam tells Siren about himself more. The next day as Siren sports the present Crystal gave her the day before, glows which forces Crystal to stay away from Siren. That night Crystal and her mom played by Kim Hidalgo and it's at Dinner that with the subtlety this movie can afford, tells Siren she's becoming a mermaid and that Crystal is going to be a half-blooded mermaid just like her mom. Not handling the news well, Siren takes a bath which doesn't quell her fears as well... (Cut to clip of Siren's feet becoming more fin-like and passes out. Cut to the movie as James continues his voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
That could've been worse! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
After a brief trip to the Hospital, Siren is invited to a meeting where other mermaids are. Siren heads to Adam's father's house as he and a friend of his named Brody meet Siren as she secretly tells Adam about what's happening to her. Adam supports her as Siren finds a book that reveals Adam's family and associates are Mermaid Hunters. Running back home Siren tells her foster mother about Adam's dad and her foster mom tells her to stay away from Adam and to give her an aerator to protect her newly developing gills. The next morning after having a dream about her birth mom, Siren decides to opt away from wearing it, leading to this somewhat comedic moment. (Cut to the moment in which Siren passes out and is taken to the Principal's office as James continues his voiceover.) It's here that the Principal played by Morgan Fairchild helps Siren with an aerator she has because The Principal is a mermaid as well. Yeah, that's the ticket! Later on, Adam discovers his dad and his friend Brody talk about killing Siren for her blood to heal Adam. Adam tells Siren about how bonkers his dad and Brody are. However Siren out of the kindness of her heart is willing to do whatever it takes to help her new friend, and I got to admit, it was a nice touch to show that even though the parents and adults are dead set in the old ways, kids are better at solving things than we give them credit for.  Later on, at a desalination plant, Land bound mermaids come together to welcome Siren into their group. While that's happening Adam spills he knows who the mermaid that's coming of age but won't spill on who she is. (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
Dude, you're in enough hot water to cook you alive! Oh did I forget to mention that as the movie has gone on Adam has been racking up the injuries? My bad so that doesn't make things better for Adam's dad or Siren. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
Adam's dad and Brody who for some reason is becoming a likable Mr. Crocker of sorts put two and two together and for the record, it's four! Not IFLYDACHOOCHOO! like how you're being taught! Adam's dad rightfully believes it to be Siren. When Adam's Dad, Brody, and their friends try to find her, they miss her as she makes it to a safe house. Adam's dad, Brody, and the other hunters find the other land-bound mermaids and take the Principal as a hostage and posting a spoiler as to what happens to the Principal, they forget about her and she decides to get out after the ending which I will talk about soon. But needless to say, everything that happens after a certain point in the ending is moot especially when I get to it. But I digress. Siren completes her transformation as Tiffany, the woman who raised Siren as her own daughter has a moment in which her heart is breaking because she has to let her go! And to be fair I know where she's coming from, as my two of my three nieces are eighteen and are moving on with their lives and it hurts because as the years have gone on, I've grown to think of my nieces as my own daughters! Anyway, Siren appears to be safe in the ocean, as she finds her birth mother Emerald played by... Excuse me for a moment. (Cut to James as he searches for the actress who plays "Emerald" in the movie and comes upon a name.)

TLOTA:
HOLY CARP! IT'S WORLD-RENOWNED MERMAID AND OCEAN ACTIVIST HANNAH FRASIER! THA... (Stumbles on the words as to how awesome Hannah Frasier is.) WOW! Congrats movie, You just jumped up quite a few notches in my book! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
As Adam continues to deteriorate, Adam's dad and the hunters' force Tiffany and the others to call out Siren and her mother Emerald which they do as everyone discovers that Siren is a Full Blooded Mermaid and not a half-blooded one as Siren and Emerald sing a song which heals everything even Adam's brittle bones! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And to be honest, it is cool to see how one thing actually means another so that a mermaid's blood is in fact their song that can heal! It's a harmless touch. But the harmlessness of the movie ends right about here as... (Show clip of Emerald creating a big and terrifying storm. Cut to James as he gets a call.)

TLOTA:
Hello! (Cut to Julia Alexa Miller.)

Julia Alexa Miller:
Uh, James, something demonic is happening. Let me put the phone on speaker. (The Gozer speech from "Ghostbusters" is heard as E-Rod opens the door where Alex is. The two lock eyes as Julia Alexa Miller asks E-Rod to return inside so she can tell him what's going on. Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So yeah Emerald has summoned a storm that is ready to unleash Gozer and if that's what Mama can do, I am scared of what Siren is going to WHAT THE...?! (Show clip of Siren reducing Brody to a pile of water as James screams in terror, cut to the clip of Rob Zombie's "Halloween" as Dr. Loomis shouts "WHAT THE HELL?! JESUS CHRIST!" Cut to Brody now officially a pile of dust as it cuts to James.)

TLOTA:
"SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE A SICK MOVIE "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" YOU'RE SICK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to water, intercut with James babbling incoherently about Brody and his fate. Cut to James.) YOU'RE SICK, MOVIE YOU! ARE! SICK! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THE CUTE AND HAPPINESS AFTER WHAT YOU PULLED MOVIE! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GET THE MOMENT IN WHICH WE SEE ADAM FULLY HEALED AND ABLE TO PLAY SPORTS! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE MOMENTS OF TIFFANY COPING WITH THE LOSS OF SIREN AND YOU SURE AS ALL GET OUT DON'T DESERVE THE MOMENT IN WHICH SIREN HAS HER DREAMS COME TRUE AND SHE MEETS HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER IN A POST-CREDIT SCENE! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT ENDING BECAUSE YOU KILLED A GUY! AND THIS MOVIE GOT THE DOVE FOUNDATION'S SEAL OF APPROVAL!?! AY-YI-YI! (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
So that was "Scales: Mermaids Are Real" and had that moment in the end not happened it would've been, for the most part, your basic every day, average, dollar store harmless fun family film with above better than average acting for a movie of this caliber, a fun plot with some fairly good morals and stunning visuals. However, as my friend Rowdy said best, "It's not how you start, it's how you finish!"  (Cut to the original ending of Dante being killed in "Clerks" as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
The best comparison I can make is the original version of "Clerks", In the nationwide released version, the movie ends with Dante and Randal closing up the Quick Stop. However, in the original version, Dante is gunned down as he closes up, which actually ended the movie on a down note and thus ruining any goodwill Kevin Smith had in the movie. Imagine instead of cutting that ending out he doubled down on it with Randal coming in, getting a bullet to the head, then Jay and Silent Bob buy the farm as well. (Cut to clips of "Scales: Mermaids Are Real. as James does a voiceover)

TLOTA (V.O.):
This is supposedly a family film about friendship, finding yourself, and becoming who you have to be. This isn't an indie film done on the budget of a gallon of gas! And when you end with a guy being killed by being reduced to water, you forfeit every ounce of goodwill that you gave in the hour and a half proceeding that moment! I was going to say "I recommend it as a harmless Saturday Afternoon with nothing better on the tv type of movie and you should check it out!" But I cannot in good conscience do so after such a horrific moment! This needs to be sent to the depths of Mariana's Trench and left there for eternity! (Cut to James physically)

TLOTA:
And yes if you're wondering, Next time is my eighth anniversary! (The sound of a demonic voice shouts "IT WILL BE YOUR LAST! I WILL DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!") That might happen, even I'm afraid I won't make it and after watching this movie, I can tell you, that fear is reinforced! I'm James Faraci The Last Of The Americans and... "SCALES: MERMAIDS ARE REAL" IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! (Cut to the clip of Brody being reduced to a puddle of water and James screaming in fear as he hides. Cut to black.)